Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on November 17, 2006, 04:15:28 PM
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New thread - old topic.
I read on www.anxietyzone.com under Generalized Anxiety Disorder that resentment is a cause of anxiety. Boy did that hit home in terms of my basket load of resentment developed (but unconsciously) in my N childhood. I believe that I have madegreat progress on letting go of that resentment. Most of it came from listening to my N father talk about so and so's son/daughter who graduated summa cum laude from this Ivy League and moved on to a position in X corporation or law firm, etc., etc. My father always upheld the loftiest attainments as the only acceptable goals. And I lived in fear of not getting there, and hating myself because I fell short.
Little did I know that all that talk was just posturing. There were other things he would do in setting up unattainable goals and then being SILENTLY critical about the failure. This summer I heard Cong. John Lewis talk about the "literacy tests" given to blacks in some parts of Georgia and Alabama. He gave as one example a question that could not be answered correctly and if it was then the answer could shift so that ultimately there was no way to pass the test. When he told the story I felt my heart stop and the blood rush from my face. I knew that experience but I had never been able to put words to it. There it was - I had been given tests or chores that I could not possibly pass (and if I did the target would change). Ultimately, I internalized the "knowledge" that I was insufficient, fell short, was not good enough. Little could I know that it was my father and my mother who had projected their utter inadequacies on me and demonstrated how my brothers could do that too. Sadly I bought it hook line and sinker.
Feeling inadequate, I expected to be left out, even among my friends (what a contradiction - I felt accepted and rejected by my friends). Out of those feelings I pouted and lashed out. The way I learned to try to get something was by telling a "poor me"story rather than trying to charm my way. Charm was absolutely not allowed. Wy would anyone exile charm from their own household?
If I did well in something, it wasn't good enough. Eventually, I became afraid of whatever my results would be and then the fear became destructive and omnipresent. I expected and got criticism, I interpretted complements as superficial and as having some
hidden meaning like politeness. I learned to be my biggest critic and to really hate myself. But who hates themselves? So I was in denial about that and felt like it was THEM. And boy did I resent THEM. Them being anyone who didn't get the endless criticsm and unreachable expectations that I got. I was completely lost as to what was truly valuable and who I wanted to be. I had ADD before there was a name for it. I was loud, athletic, wild and falling short of my academic potential. I tried everything with gusto and when I failed I landed hard with no shoulder to cry on but sneers and put downs at home.
Now why is it that I wonder why I suffer from depression and anxiety? I have really learned how to work with depression, ward it off, and battle it. Though I still suffer from it, it is not at all debilitating. But the anxiety is a problem. A big problem.
I have to remind myself that in two short months I have made great progress with this anxiety. Far more progress than I made in that time frame with depression. Four years after being laid low by depression, I no longer fear it. It is no longer debilitating. I keep that in mind to keep me encouraged about finally getting out of this paralysis due to the anxiety.
In just two short months I no loner fear that I won't be able to follow through on a commitment due to anxiety and that has been
one of the greatest problems for me the past five years. I would agree to do something and never know if I could get it done or not because I would simply get paralyzed.
This morning as I lay in bed, struggling because I had two early morning commitments the anxiety was raging but suddenly I realized that I was struggling but that there was NO concern that I would not be able to follow through. That is probably the most significant progress I could make. To know that I can get through the anxiety enough to follow through. That is where all my hope is. Now I must just keep plugging along, accomplishing two (or more) daily responsibilities each day and by years end, if not sooner, I will bump it up. But Christmas and sons birthday party (Dec. 9) are big anxiety provoking events and that may be all I can handle until years end.
Thanks for letting me post. It is so much more helpful for me to write here than in a journal. All I ever had was myself and now I have this community. It does give me the support and encouragement that I have needed and longed for. I do feel accepted here. And this is the first place I have felt truly understood and truly empathized with. Those are the very things that I need to heal. I have know this for a long time but had no idea how to find it. Then I opened my heart and my prayer was answered.
Gaining Strength
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a question that could not be answered correctly and if it was then the answer could shift so that ultimately there was no way to pass the test. When he told the story I felt my heart stop and the blood rush from my face. I knew that experience but I had never been able to put words to it.
That is a breathtaking realization, imo, GS. Awfully sad, what a waste of a chance to love by your ignorant parents...but at the same time, I think moments of penny-dropping like this are the seeds of liberation. Name it and TAME it. And you are so clearly doing that. It's your whole process. Bravo!
And this is just incredibly mature. I think you have learned soooooooooo much--the kind of thing that people don't get summa umma bumma wummas for--(oh how this culture loves its rankings)...):
This morning as I lay in bed, struggling because I had two early morning commitments the anxiety was raging but suddenly I realized that I was struggling but that there was NO concern that I would not be able to follow through.
Incredible.
Okay to offer a little piece of advice re. son's bday party and Xmas?
Keep them both simple.
So simple you could imagine the entire Junior League of Successful Women standing in the street with their girdles pinching but not allowed to adjust 'em, all of them, millions and millions in proper outfits and uncomfortable shoes, saying in unison: tut-tut, oooo, tut-tut.
While you stand at your doorstep with a peaceful smile. Happy birthday, come play checkers. Merry Christmas, we'll sing one simple carol now.
JOY to you. Or heavenly calm. :)
(((((GS)))))
Hops
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Thanks so much for all your responses. It is so miraculous to pour your heart out and to get friends come by and say good for you and then to share something of their own. I so love being a part of each other's lives. - GS
headed out to "Happy Feet" with my 5year old who yesterday wanted me to buy him a blazer and tie while I was holding out for a little boy Eton suit. He grew up too fast - 6 in three weeks. How I wish I could shrink him up. This afternoon he sat in his blazer and tie and got out papers and envelops and a stapler to "work." Just hope he can hold on to that enthusiasm for work for decades to come!
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GS,
Really, the anxiety thing for me just took some time to pass. After I quit drinking and started in AA, I also decided I was in an unhealthy situation in my workplace and decided to stay home for a while. I would panic if I had even the littlest appointment or committment and sometimes even cancelled them. It amazes me to look back, because now I have things every day and no anxiety. I can't tell you when it will pass... but if you keep on keeping on each day... one day you will find it's not as hard as it used to be.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth
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My heart melts. Aww. :D
GS, how lucky you are to have this precious boy...and vice versa!
He is going to learn so much good stuff from seeing his mother's honesty.
Hops
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ediy
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Hi 123,
I remember when I chose Nbf after Nbf that one thing that often characterized my thinking of my next communication with them (these were men I just knew I was in luuuuuuuuuv with) was gasping for breath.
One of my main anxiety symptoms looks and feels exactly like an asthma attack.
It is so rare now that I have almost forgotten it.
Yes yes yes, anxiety symptoms can and do get better when you are no longer in situations where you feel as though you're emotionally drowning. Like your marriage. And especially when you've learned as much as you can to prevent a compulsion to repeat them.
What a good question you've raised. I'm happy we're discussing anxiety here. There is so much commonly-understood info about depression, but I think not so much general understanding about anxiety.
Panic attacks are horrible. I'm glad that's passed for you. And I think the free-floating anxiety that wakes you now and then will ease too. Just keep caring about yourself, literally feeling that care. It's okay to put yourself first.
I think I knew that intellectually for a long time but it's relatively recent that it's clicked as a genuinely good, right, responsible and sane thing.
Hops
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This afternoon he sat in his blazer and tie and got out papers and envelops and a stapler to "work." Just hope he can hold on to that enthusiasm for work for decades to come!
well I'm sure you teach him he has lots of choices!
Good that you are working through this crippling anxiety and I hope every day gets better in some way.
Do you journal still? I have foudn it such a comfort lately whilst moving and discovering journals from a couple of years or more back and I was ill or in a bad relationship or worried about getting my career on track....it reminds me how far I've come.
Welcome C/B123,
'What was that about? Is this something that commonly happens to people who are closely related or married to narcissists?'
to anyone who has lived through trauma. The pressure of being with someone who demands you build something out of shifting sand is pretty relentless.
Even tonight I could sense something about my ex, something he wasn't happy about me doing or not doing. It's him projecting out, and though he got me well-stressed yesterday about practical things we had to sort out they sorted themselves today so there was no place for him to focus his anger and I resisted the urge to discuss it.
I would panic if I had even the littlest appointment or committment and sometimes even cancelled them.
I have to psyche myself up for stuff Beth, have my day mapped out in my head somewhat.
I wasn't always like this but stress can reduce me to a heap in no time now. It's like something inside me snapped and said 'enough'.
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I would panic if I had even the littlest appointment or committment and sometimes even cancelled them. It amazes me to look back, because now I have things every day and no anxiety. I can't tell you when it will pass...
Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is just the encouragement that keeps me going in the right frame of mind. "Anxiety passes. It can. It has for others. It will for me." Thank you, thank you, thank you.
how lucky you are to have this precious boy...
I am very thankful. I wanted children all my life and finally in my 40's my true love came. The miracle of becoming a mother is a reminder too that I can expect and receive miracles. Getting beyond where I am seems like a miracle but I believe in them and that helps with the encouragment. Thanks for the reminder Hops. Tonight we have "Happy Feet".
(I'm sure you all have experienced that grand SWOOSH that happens when all the seemingly unrelated symptoms seem to come together and make sense for the first time.)
Absolutely. For years I read all I could. I would go to Barnes & Noble and get stacks of books, a cup of coffee and read for a couple of hours several times a week. Reading helped but talking here and getting insight from others really brings things together and opens up my eyes, speeding the healing process.
....it reminds me how far I've come.
I'm doing very simply journaling now - really brief notes on a calendar just for the purpose of seeing clearly and quickly how much progress I am making. I find it essential to see right there in black and white that I am making progress. It helps me keep faith for the future. I am glad to read you write this: Even tonight I could sense something about my ex, something he wasn't happy about me doing or not doing. It's him projecting out, and though he got me well-stressed yesterday about practical things we had to sort out they sorted themselves today so there was no place for him to focus his anger and I resisted the urge to discuss it.
I think it remarkable that you are able to do that at this stage. You do have a deep source of strength and courage. Things are turning for you WRITE. I do so admire you and my heart is with you during this difficult transition. - your dear friend - Gaining Strength
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This morning began well. I haven't even felt the need for my meds. That's a first since I began them. I am gaining
enough strength to face some difficult issues. Each one a potential for anxiety. But I am going to shift my focus onto
my fear of inadequacy and then throw that open to the universe of intention to help me through.
This morning before I got up I went into a visualization process, part dream, part something else like imaging. I held in my mind a healer who acknowledged my deep pains, fears and resentments. He held me in a soft, soothing blanket as a mother figure healer
and a father figure healer were present. They each in turn experienced the pain and fear and rejections that my parents each felt
and then projected onto us out of their own pains and fears. Each acknowledgement, each revelation I processed with a wave of healing, a release of forgiveness and a crack of my soul to open ever so slightly to receive love.
My fears are great. Even in anxiety I have been unaware of how great my fears are. I am opening them up and laing them out. I am safe here. It may take time but I will find healing here. I give my love and my heart to my friends here. Thank you all.
The irony is that as I give them up, the multitude and enomity of m fears just begins to present themselves to me. It really is
like an iceburg. So much is suppressed, so much ignored. That is the great pain of healing. What I couldn't bear for so long
is becoming exposed. Just as I get a smidge of relief from anxiety I expose more pain and the fears multiply. That is part of the process and that must be why it is easy to turn our backs on healing. It is painful.
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Just needed a place to scream. I keep coming here and then going away to get started on the day and coming right back here.
I am facing fears today and i HATE it!!!! On www.anxietyzone.com someone posted that the source of anxiety is resentment.
Boy does that sting. I've turned resentment into fear and my big one is about money. I am so conflicted about money and
its value and my value. Don't need help working this out quite yet but I really need to vent. I really need to scream.
I DON'T WANT TO FACE WHAT I HAVE TO FACE TO PROCEDE. I AM ANGRY. I AM LONELY. I WANT TO LET GO INTO HATRED BUT THAT ONLY MAKES THINGS WORSE. I WANT TO GET INTO BED AND PULL UP THE COVERS BUT THAT ONLY MAKES
THINGS WORSE. I DON'T WANT TO DO THE THINGS THAT MAKE THINGS BETTER. I DON'T WANT TO FACE MY LIFE TODAY.
I WANT TO THROW A TANTRUM AND JUST SCREAM BECAUSE LIFE ISNT FAIR. LET SOMEBODY ELSE COME AND PICK UP THE PIECES. I DONT WANT TO ANY MORE!!!!!
I AM ANGRY!!!! and I am scared.
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(((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))
It's okay, hon. Just do a 2 x 2 square today.
I understand exactly what you're going through.
Me, I'm going back to bed for a while.
I have weeks of paperwork, but I was up until 4:00, my D called late. She moves today.
When I wake up again I'll go to the gym and hopefully come home energized.
Meanwhile, I hear your scream and that's good! You made room for deeper breaths.
Lots of oxygen and just enough hope to you, (((((((((GS))))))))))))).
You have come SUCH a long way. Don't despair.
Saturday can feel like "the day we should get everything perfect."
Nope. It's just a day for another 2 x 2.
hugs,
Hops
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Hugs in return my dear friend Hops.
Hope that extra rest does you good.
Your due some refreshment, some revival.
your friend - Gaining Strength
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Here is some more I found on the internet. Little here is new to me but this is good material. What is new of course
is how all of this relates to anxiety. I am preparing myself to do an inventory of resentment and of fears so I can
expose them and deal with them. This is really scary.
http://ethesis.blogspot.com/2006/02/i-learned-lot-about-forgiveness-and.html
Friday, February 24, 2006
I learned a lot about forgiveness and avoiding resentment from someone who had been badly wronged. As the result of someone threatening a witness, and hiding the fact that her husband was sexually molesting their daughter, she lost custody. I was able to get the daughter therapy (which also resolved the custody issue, with the daughter coming home to her mother permanently, and the ex-husband staying far away from the state where she lived).
But, I was wondering what more should be done when I was asked for advice by the woman's attorney on how to seek a pound of flesh from the man who had enabled the ex-husband. In the midst of thinking about that issue, the mother talked to me, asking that I do nothing destructive, and thanking me for my constructive help, including things I had paid for out of my own pocket when money was tight. She was grateful, but she had been healed by the Spirit and did not want to disrupt that process.
With her example, I was able to take seriously the statements that if you are wronged and hold to resentment, you have the greater sin. Over the many years that followed, I spent time rethinking all of my theology on the basis of just what does it imply if I accepted as true that the greater sin is in failing to forgive (much like a friend of mine who treats "be ye therefore perfect" as said in the voice of "you do too know that I mean it.").
First, of course, the rule that not escaping resentment is a greater sin than causing the resentment means that only what we internalize is permanent, and only that which is permanent is significant. When I die, I will not take a cent with me. No material thing has any eternal value. When people rise in the resurrection, they are restored. Nothing done to them is permanent unless they do it to themselves.
Second, closely tied to that, is that in relative terms, most things are only dross. My car, my clothes, my fine twined linens (if I had any, but I couldn't resist the reference), all come from dust and return to dust. We are like children arguing over finger paints and broken toys when we could have so much more. We should ask ourselves, where are our hearts and what do we really treasure?
Third, resentment, the failure to forgive, cankers the soul and cuts one off from God and love. Failure to forgive blocks us from that mercy that would otherwise claim us.
Nothing is worth cutting ourselves off from the Spirit. I found freedom when I realized that what I resented others for was not significant in any real sense, and that the irritation I felt harmed only me. In the end, the only thing I wanted from the memories of those who had hurt me was to be free of resentment so that I would not be harmed further.
I wish I could say I would have found that place without the help of others, but I'm glad for their example and hope that wherever they are today, that God is with them. There may be shades of gray, but some things are absolute. May we escape resentment so that God's grace and mercy always have place.
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I think this is what drives the Amish practice of forgiveness.
Not forgiving (holding resentment) is an enormous breach of their faith.
That's why after a shunning period of punishment for the offender, they have a strict policy of never ever referring to the incident or crime again. Because that would be a worse sin than the original offense.
It's pretty radical from the outside. And it backfired in the case of girls who were raped for years. (After six weeks of shunning the boy, the community was content. Not so the victims!)
So it's a balance. I see it as teaching me that although it's vital to recognize who's a victim, and when, and the severity of the abuse...that at some point the only way the abusers can be redeemed is by forgiveness. (It's not always possible for a victim to forgive an abuser and let go of resentment. And I wouldn't pile on more guilt if that's so. But even orienting our course in the direction of that growth, without suppressing our legitimate anger, might be healing.)
Maybe resentment is like a crust over anger that really needs a clean release. For me, my resentment often also covers my own anger with myself.
I can't fool myself for long, much as I'd prefer to sometimes.
Hops
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GS,
I hear you. I am feeling a lot of that this weekend as well. I adore my kids, but my world has narrowed down to them now. I am not doing much for me and I have so many committments. I actually feel despondent... not angry. I almost wish I felt angry. I just feel like I am drudging along and sometimes I wonder if I will get back to being happy. (I KNOW I will, but I don't FEEL I will).
((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth
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Hey GS,
When you take that searching inventory, how are you planning to protect yourself from self-loathing as you look at your resentments?
What I mean is, I hope you won't add resenting yourself for being resentful, instead of all perfectly fixed up and functional, to your list of things to inventory. (You ARE healing and growing as fast as you can. Your pace is just right. You are doing it just right.)
You really really really really do deserve your own love. That is the frame for the whole puzzle of your life. Once you have those anchoring frame pieces, you can fill in the rest one at a time...
So will you please be loving to my friend GS?
Hops
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Moon, hon...
YOUR strong core gives strength to mine.
You are such a generous, kind soul.
Thank you.
Hops
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Thanks for your thoughts.
Hops
"I hope you won't add resenting yourself for being resentful,"
I think it will be coming out of a pocket of denial. I do have some self loathing that I'm
not yet in touch with but I'm not afraid of adding resentment of myself. But it is time
to life the veil on this old stuff.
CouldBe123
You have given words to what I am struggling with--and it has made the struggle bearable.
Thanks CouldBe123, it is such an added gift that putting my words out here helps someone else.
It has double weight because in my FOO my contributions were not welcomed or were derided.
That is definitely one of the resentments I have buried and one of the fears I have carried through
in life.
I'm started posting on another site called www.anxietyzone.com and I get very few replies. I
noticed that it was bothering me and as I have begun opening the doors to my fears and
resentments I realized it felt like a big rejection, especially in comparison to this site.
Moonlight
When I feel loving detachment all resentment is gone
That's the key isn't it moonlight - the detachment? I am tryinng to conjure up past experiences
of pain, rejection, shame and to view them with a different perspective, to change the emotional
charge and loving detachment is the key to that. I think this the key to that process. In doing this
I can let go the emotional pain I am carrying through to today. I need to be reminded of this over and
over again - loving detachment.
Thank you all. So very helpful, so very kind. I am drinking it in and am thankful for it.
your friend - Gaining Strength
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I'm learning a little more about my relationship between anxiety and resentment. A dream last night revealed more about the conflict I had
early on about feeling like I belonged and fearing rejection simultaneously from family and friends. The fear was unconscious, but I see it clearly
now, and it was a monster ruling underground, disrupting and ruling my life, my goals, my desires. This monster fed my resentments and like the
monster, resentment lived underground out of sight and sound.
I am angry about it. I see how my suppressed fear of rejection was really an expectation of rejection, a lookout for any sign of rejection, a labeling of
any possible action as rejection and followed by a resentment of that expected rejection. I, unconsciously, viewed the world - my family and friends and school
as hot beds of rejection and I lashed out in sarcasm and bitterness. Big surprise that by late 20s it all caught up with me.
As I recently wrote - I see all to clearly that I waited, hoped for, needed someone to save me. (that someone was clearly my father - the NPD) I fell into learned helplessness and sought help by playing a "poor pitiful me" card - unable to see how that pushed people away and unwilling to change even though it clearly
sent prospective suitors fleeing and gave some friends ammo against me. But now I do understand and am very, very thankful.
I see clearly that I MUST get beyond the "poor me" attitude and behavior, get beyong this "learned helplessness", the "neediness". I am a strong person
who has great potential to be self reliant and I see that as coming up. The thought of self sufficiency no longer frightens me as it did not so long ago.
I take that as a sign of healing.
I am making progress. It is painful, but I am thankful.
Thanks for listening - Gaining Strength
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I am angry about it. I see how my suppressed fear of rejection was really an expectation of rejection, a lookout for any sign of rejection, a labeling of
any possible action as rejection and followed by a resentment of that expected rejection. I, unconsciously, viewed the world - my family and friends and school
as hot beds of rejection and I lashed out in sarcasm and bitterness.
This describes a major theme of my life. I guess it starts out from being rejected by your parents. I think that's how it started out with me. Always, I was obsessed with knowing, how did other people, other kids, really feel about me? I remember wishing I had a lie detector machine that I could hook up to people and see if what they said about me reflected how they really felt about me. Good thing I didn't have such a machine! I wasn't really ready to hear the truth! I wasn't ready in my thirties when I heard both my parents say if they had it to do over again they wouldn't have had children, not even me! So, I guess I needed that denial during my childhood in order to get through those years.
It's still hard for me to understand how people like each other. It seems to me that people like those who have some kind of power or who think highly of themselves. It doesn't always seem to be based on anything that I would think is valuable such as being nice and listening to each other, helping each other, enjoying each other's company. At work people will say, well I get along with so and so, she's nice. And I'll think, so and so is lazy and selfish and makes extra work for others, that's not nice. And when so and so yells at someone else in order to get out of being helpful, and no one yells back and it turns out not to have been such a bad thing because at least so and so is nice. And I don't understand that. People yell right back at me. All the work I do on my insides, and I'm still B-list. I think I always will be in certain circles. So, I think that possible rejection is real rejection often enough. Just that some people are fortunate enough not to see it or not care.
I really just don't understand rejection, acceptance, liking, disliking, etc. But I started out being rejected. That was my formative experience of society. I think I'm just more tuned into it than people whose parents didn't reject them. Maybe I take on that role in society or groups. But I'm unaware of how it works in the nitty gritty. It seems like rejection is a thing that others get to decide as well. And they often do. Decide to reject someone. Out of hand.
I can see how it would continuously feed anxiety.
PP
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About to dash, but have a quick response to this important stuff!
I think the practice (and more practice, and more) of setting boundaries regularly and without ferocity creates the freedom to see others without suspicion.
If you can take care of yourself because you practice (and practice) setting boundaries without ferocity, then you are freer to take the risk of trusting. Because after enough boundary setting practice, you will have your own well-being in mind instinctively, and not have to strain to protect it. So if someone disappoints you, you will be okay, because you won't have allowed them to take over your mind or life completely in the first place, and you'd be more resilient about inevitable and ordinary disappointment, and move on to more positive and reciprocal relationships.
Hope that's not garbled.
Hops
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Hops - that makes sense to me, much like Moonlight's "loving detachment."
Pennyplant - I had this strange dream last night. I was at a party at this really cool office - very modern, with magnificent glass tables with colorful LED lighting, marvelous drinks that lit up (sort of like the ice bars in Scandanavia). And of course the party guests were
really cool as well - chic, beautiful, handsome, decked out. I was talking to someone and could tell that he was really put off. I was
convinced that it was his attitude and as i walked around this kind of platform he was on another guest intervened and made it clear that the person out of line was me. It was such a weird feeling. i was out of line and had no idea how. The rest of the dream was on the same order. Everywhere I went and everyone I talked to sort of included me - just sort of.
When I woke up I knew immediately that these feelings were typical of my life (not the setting). But late this afternoon, while I was
playing with my son I suddenly had this image that I was that young man who initially was put off by my comment. I suddenly felt what it was like to be calm, cool, confident and I was not interested in this person who did not get it.
I think that is what goes on with people in this world. They don't need and don't care for being with people who are simply "nice". They want to be with people who can get something for them. - Gaining Strength
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Hi GS,
I heard an interesting theory of dream interpretation. That you, or a part of you, is every element and person in your dream.
If you thought of it that way, what part of you would be...
the cool beautiful office
lit glass tables
chic, "together", beautiful partygoers
a "put off" young man
a critical (intervening) guest
??
(Another theory I like is that we dream always of our hopes or our fears. I think both theories work!)
What a bold explorer you are, GS.
Hops
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Hops - how lovely. I think both theories can show a variety of perspectives. Thank you for sharing that.
I woke this morning and used images to create a fearless place for me. So for the first time in - I don't know how long - perhaps years - I was aible to get out of bed with out dread. This is what I must hold on to. I am going to take my medicine anyway but
I think I am getting better. I am even able to think of some difficult stuff and not get overwhelmed. This is a good sign.
I am practicing being different personae. I guess it is sort ohis morning I put on the personae of someone like acting but as I was posting my last post above, writing to Pennyplant, I suddenly saw that moving forward is like trying on different personae and then you Hops wrote about being everyone lovingly healing me of anxiety. I put myself inside of her - what she must feel like. She felt kind and loving and anxious free, and suddenly I felt anxious free. Then I started putting on the knowledge that it will all work out
and again I felt anxious free. That is an interesting way to detach but that is the key isn't it.
Pennyplant - try it with those co-workers. Detach. When they say someone is nice, view them with a knowing kindness, knowing that they are short sighted. Let the knowing feel like an adult to a child as though they will grow out of their childish thoughts. Then you will feel a kindness towards them and everything will shift. Don't want to feel kindness towards them? Try to understand why. Is it because they don't feel kindness towards you? If so that is a touch of resentment. Try to release it. OK who am I to pass on the new knowledge. I don't know but I am passing it on because I care about you as my friend and I believe what I am writing. your friend - Gaining Strength
in the dream. I can put on the personae of someone competent.
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GS--I will try it. The way I'm approaching the people at work now is just not working for me on the inside. So, I will try your suggestion. At least now I am capable of trying something like this because I do believe it works. Earlier in my life I didn't believe it was possible to change my feelings by changing my thoughts. But I was wrong about that! Thanks for your suggestion.
Pennyplant
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Pennyplant - practice on past experiences. That is a good way to get ready. Also practice on future experiences that don't go well.
Once when I was in college, I lived in a house with 9 other women. One was always on my case about my leaving books on the dining room table (which was huge and never used for eating). Though her request was not unreasonable I anticipated it for days before the actual confrontation. I planned my vile, venemous responce and practiced it in my mind over and over. And surprise, surprise - she did confront me and I did respond with screaming and name calling. I was completely out of line. We never had a semblence of a friendship again.
I often use that to remind myself of how expectation, and planned response can so readily come to fruition. Unfortunately my experience has been in the negative. But I am convinced that the same process can be used for the positive. In recent months I
have tried it in small instances and seen it work. I need to put it in to practice again, especially now that my anxiety is receding.
I have not been in touch with a club that I belong to and to which I have some responsibilities. The deeper in the dog house I get the more difficult it is for me to do something about it. We have a huge project on December 6th for which I have dropped the ball. I am going to try this very concept out to make communications and find my way back. I do believe in it. I'll report back how I envisioned my plan and how it worked, and I am interested to hear how things begin to change for you at work.
My heart and prayers are with you - your dear friend - Gaining Strength
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GS,
I think I will follow your lead and start envision a nice place in the morning. Lately I am hopping out of bed to "face the day and get it over with."That is not a happy place and not where I was a while back. For a long time, I was loving every part of my day... going downstairs and making and drinking that first cup of coffee. Spending some time with the kids over breakfast, playing on the computer a bit before bed, taking a nice bath. Now it's all rush, rush, rush and I am not enjoying any of it. I drink the coffee to wake me up, I take the bath so I don't smell. I play the games because I am bored...
So... more of your on-target ideas???????? You seem to be getting so on track!!!!! It has been so marvellous to see you grow and bloom, GS.
Love, Beth
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GS,
I want to encourage you in your goal of getting back on track with your club's project. It is not too late!!! They will be grateful, no doubt, that you're ready to try it again. Many years ago, I organized a celebration for an organization I am in. One of the members offered to arrange for a singing group to attend and entertain us. It got very close to the time of the party and it turned out she had not made the arrangements. I was pretty surprised and disappointed but truly, at any point up to the last minute, I would have been thrilled if she had just pulled it together and did what she could. I mean, I had no way myself to arrange for performers. As it turned out, her husband found a group at the last minute and we were saved. What I'm saying here is, not to worry about what people may think about the lateness. Be assured that people will just be glad for whatever you decide to do at this point. It is brave and very cool to just say, you know what, I've been slow but I'm ready now and I will fix this the best I can. That is actually an admirable thing to do.
See, we will be working on important issues at the very same time! We're both ready, I guess!!
PP
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That's it Pennyplant. Thank you for your encouragement.
This is the first experience in my life that I have had of
confessing a problem and having encouragement to get
back on track.
Is that what happens in normal families? Why are we
able to do it for each other here? I don't understand
these things but I am so thankful for how we help
each other.
I always felt that I could engage with others and
encourage and receive and respond to encouragement.
We do seem to have that in common here. Why have
had such a hard time finding it in our lives? We all seem
so capable of giving real support and help. That is a
mystery to me.
Thank you Pennyplant. I am going to spend time tonight
and tomorrow envisioning myself getting back on track with
this commitment. This is a real turning point in my life.
Thanks to you and to all here. - Gaining Strength
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A couple things related to this topic:
GS, I thought of you today and hoped you are having better luck with your next goal than I had with mine this morning! I was determined to put a new spin on how I approach my least favorite co-worker. So, didn't she decide to call in sick today? Where I work we say, "banged in" for when someone just doesn't really feel like coming in. I guess she really does have a cold or whatever. But three people were already off today due to the holiday and the same amount of work has to be done no matter how many people are there. So, it is a big deal to call in. None of us would do such a thing on such a day unless it was serious. It's a big deal for those of us who show up every day, that is, regardless of how we feel. Anyway, I wasn't very "kind" in my thoughts or words. It was such a struggle to make as few comments as I did. She ended up coming in late once the supervisor clued her in on just what she was doing to the rest of us. It is so hard to disengage from someone when their pathetic actions have a direct impact on your life. So, tomorrow I will try again with disengaging and not taking it personally. Just working on my own actions which are the only ones I can control. Boy, is it hard! But I will start over each day with this until it feels more natural. I'm not going to give up on this. If I can disengage from someone who triggers me so easily and deeply, then I can do even better with simpler situations. It will be worth it to learn this.
The idea of healing anxiety has apparently been spinning around in my subconscious, too. Last night I had a dream that I was in a huge hotel that caught fire and we all slowly made our way out to escape. I watched people be in danger and feared that I was in danger myself. It was very vivid at the time and somewhat frightening. It made me think of anxiety because certain kinds of fear and anxiety in me make me feel like I am burning up. Is that the cortisol at work? I haven't had that feeling much lately. But I have woken up with it in the past and have felt it around certain people or after thinking I was in trouble for something. In thinking about my dream last night it reminded me that when I lost someone important to me four years ago (I've posted about this previously--my first emotional affair) the feeling I carried around with me, constantly, for months, was a feeling like I was on fire inside. That is the only way I can describe it. Just burning up all the time. And back then I thought it was grief for my loss. And maybe grief was the cause of it. But now I wonder if I was basically suffering from one very long, very severe anxiety attack. My dream reminded me of the burning sensation and that it had previously always been something I experienced due to fear or anxiety. It never occurred to me until my dream that the experience of four years ago was the same sensation only it was continuous.
Anyway, that was kind of an "aha" for me but I'm not sure what to do with this particular insight yet. However, it does give me something new to think about and I believe it will lead to major healing if I continue to figure it out. It just never occurred to me that I might have actually had an anxiety attack that lasted for several months. I managed to function during that time but it wasn't easy! This idea gives me some new angles from which to approach my future path.
Pennyplant
on edit: Oh, and GS, you're welcome. I'm glad to offer what encouragement I can. I am glad we can all help each other here. I often wonder myself if that is what other families are like, the ones without personality disorders. I was never taught to be supportive of others, but I eventually taught myself how to do that with my own family. It seemed like common sense to me to change my ways. I'm glad the qualities of caring and supportiveness seem to be natural aspects of human beings who don't have disorders. Even not being taught properly, it can still rise to the surface eventually it seems. Thank God!
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I'm not going to give up on this.
[/b] That's it Pennyplant - don't give up. Who do you think looked bad today?
What do you suppose the supervisor thought of her and how do you think your co-workers felt being left in the lurch today?
Being angry and frustrated are not surprising reactions. But remember - it wasn't directed at YOU personally, it affected you but it wasn't directed at you. She will pay a price for that of some sort but that is not the point. The real point is that when you left go of the fact that her actions adversely effected you, you can see how she hurt herself and how you helped yourself and your co-workers by holding up your responsibilities. My real point is to find a way to feel good about your actions and find a way to let go of
your thoughts about hers. Forgiveness is one way - remember forgiveness is about you and not them. Not forgiving is like eating rat poison waiting for the rat to die. Whatever it takes find a way to feel good about what you did and to let go of your anger about her.
Is that the cortisol at work?
[/b] I don't know but that is a good possibility, a brilliant deduction really.
I'm not sure what to do with this particular insight yet.
I have recently had this same question and then I remembered, just as you wrote, that the insight leads to healing. I don't
know how and I don't know why but I have experienced it over and over that such insights lead to another level of healing.
Even not being taught properly, it can still rise to the surface eventually it seems. Thank God!
[/b]
Amen Sister, Amen. - Gaining Strength
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WOWZA, PP!!
tomorrow I will try again with disengaging and not taking it personally. Just working on my own actions which are the only ones I can control. Boy, is it hard! But I will start over each day with this until it feels more natural. I'm not going to give up on this. If I can disengage from someone who triggers me so easily and deeply, then I can do even better with simpler situations.
Big huge bravos and trumpets and a parade and extra tofu :P for you tomorrow!
Happy happy thanksgiving to Yanks and Brits and all in between (I guess that would be fish).
lots of love,
Hops
(GS--I need a noodge to get going on my paperwork. I just have this weekend...and I've taken to ... :oops: ... literally .... tossing it ... on the floor ....) Maybe some of us others have a stack of things we'd like to get behind us during the holdiay break, so I know any inspirational kicks in the pants will be put to good use!
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I'm with you Hops. I have insurance papers and am coming up against a deadline plus some work to figure out how to get the cash I need to pay property tax. So I'll be doing paper work friday and Saturday and thinking encouraging thoughts.
I didn't throw my papers in the air but my child did. So we are in the same boat. But Let's just believe that it was a creative way
of getting the most important stuff to the top. Not too much turkey - that tryptophan is a real sleep enducer.
Gobble, gobble to you and the rest. - Gaining Strength
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I'm edging closer toward vegetarianism...I'm just looking forward to veggies and PIE tomorrow!
(Article about turkey on Salon.com yesterday was amazing, as were the readers letters...I recommend it.)
Happy feasting,
Hops
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LOL - I'm not reading it Hops - I want to enjoy my turkey. It is one of my favorite meals of the year. - GS
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Something miraculous is happening for me today. I don't know how long it will last, don't care because I know
it is the start of something new. After I read WRITE's "Thanksgiving Day" post, I began thinking about what
I am thankful for. Then my son came and asked to play UNO and I took him in the room to play while
we watched the Macy's parade. I let it be just a perfect, precious time and each tme my mind roamed
trying to find memories and obligations to be anxious about, I redirected my mind to that present moment - playing
and being with my son. The anxiety melted away and it has stayed away without medicine.
I know I am making progress. I am so thankful. - GainingStrength
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Beautiful, GS.
Happy Thanksgiving!
PP
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Same to you my dear friend, Pennyplant.
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I made it the entire day without meds AND without anxiety. This is a first -
a new beginning. I am very happy. There were moments when I felt it
coming on and I found I could turn it off, just like a switch. It was the
most amazing feeling.
I had to keep my eyes on the future and not on the past. I had to
keep away from grieving anything lost - even hopes. It started with
WRITE's mentioning writing her list of things to be thankful for. For
some miraculous reason that idea, which I've tried many times before,
suddenly shifted things for me today. And then I figured out that I
must keep my eyes on the future and not what has been. Too much
loss in the past.
I actually had a wonderful day and it in no way looked like it would
shape up that way. I am so thankful to have been able to put most
of my resentments behind. It has changed the way I approach my
family, my holiday, really my life.
Today, I have much to give thanks for.
Gaining Strength
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WOW.
:D :D :D :D
I am so happy for you, GS!
(All those kind thoughts you're pumping out must be flowing back to lift you, girl.)
Hops
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One part of my anxiety is an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.
I know exactly where it comes from in my childhood.
It is that "kick in the stomach" feeling that really hurts.
Yesterday, I was preparing Thanksgiving dinner with my mother.
It was the first time we have ever done something like that
together, which was very nice. She actually said, "It's nice
to do things together." (That's a whole other story - I have
so longed for someone to do things like that with my entire life.)
But she would get anxious about everything - when the turkey
goes in, when it comes out, when other things go in - her dishes
and my dishes. I would gently remind her that things will work out
and that she was throwing unnecessary anxiety into the mix. She
actually said, "Thank you for pointing that out." But the big thing
about that experience was recognizing how much angst she has
contributed to me across the ages. I have been completely blind
to that until recently.
When I was a child and she got anxious about something she would
start yelling and demanding. She would yell about things that didn't
even exist. Because she didn't know how to encourage us she
tried to control us by yelling. And she was the low man on the totem
pole in terms of generating anxiety. My NPD father evoked fear and
(I thought at the time) respect just by appearing in person.
It was a very anxious home and I have just carried it forward until now.
Now I am dropping it like crumbs on a path. - Gaining Strength
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It was a very anxious home and I have just carried it forward until now.
Now I am dropping it like crumbs on a path. - Gaining Strength
:D
That's beautiful.
Hops
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Thank you Hops - hows your piles today? I though about you during breakfast and tried to send you
dedicated energy. I haven't exactly tackled the paperwork yet but I will before the weekend's through. - GS
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Well maybe it's getting through!
I just now this minute broke through enough to start...
It's childish but I do it best when I have a concurrent reward.
And it's not heavy concentration work. So I have a rented movie for tonight and I'll pile all the stuff on my bed and get underway.
Right now I'm waiting for a callback from the bank so I can get online and sort our our balances.
Need to car-hunt. Uggghh. Never bought a new one, so I'm wading through the used.
Hops
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Two thumbs up Hops.
There is great car shopping on-line I hear. A good place to start anyway.
Enjoy your movie. - GS
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I haven't done diddly except the bank call.
Grrrrr to self...
Hops
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Well did you watch the movie?
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Yes! The New World. I enjoyed it very much, found it passionate, moving, beautiful.
A friend of mine was involved in the making of it, so it had extra meaning.
And this afternoon I took Mom to see what will likely be her last movie out...The Queen with Helen Mirren.
It was perfect because she identifies so closely, you know. Not with Helen... :?
Her stubbornness about not exercising is a challenge lately, she's rapidly losing the ability to walk safely.
But I am not putting it on my plate. Long afternoon, more time than I've spent focused on her than in a long while.
Whew. Not going to church tomorrow, will stay home and try to redeem myself, paperwork wise.
Hope you've all had a good day. Weather's been gorgeous here...bright, cool, periwinkle sky.
Hops
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Weather's gorgeous here too. Blue sky - sure would like to see the periwinkle sky.
I heard Queen is great - (the movie rather than your mother.)
I did get a good bit done. I have so much more and the something of it is
doing something to me. I've hit a wall on my recovery because I am facing
that BIG one. That core one that has me stuck. I sure hate this part of healing.
Top o' the day - Hops. - GS
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Same to you, GS!
I am up against my personal barricade and looking around for the riot police.
I have done one silly but constructive thing. I read in a Feng Shui book (which I don't "believe" in as a rigid thing) that TV sucks energy. I have been thinking about how much time/attention I've wasted that way. So I found a beautiful scarf and draped it over the "face" of my TV. Oddly enough, it really feels different in this room. I'm not always looking over at the screen wondering what's happening there.
Meanwhile, I should throw a blanket over this laptop as I'm also avoiding by being here. We'll see how that goes...
I do need to focus and work.
Hops