Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: axa on November 25, 2006, 09:52:10 AM
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Hi all,
I have read a lot of the posts and while I recognise the patterns and the drama triangle........and yes my part and I have danced around it and am still engaged in some way. The past few days i have not taken the bait. I have not reacted to provication. I have stayed with myself and stayed connected to the joyful part of me. All around me the crazy making continues and I am holding myself. I feel good about this but the nagging question of why I just dont walk keeps coming up. It is linked, I know, with me taking responsibility.
As I write this I can connect with a part of me that is happy to be me but I am in denial about the madness that I live with. It is drama all the time. Everything is complicated: its like living on a rollercoaster. And yet I can find a calm place in myself.
I think there is something for me about avoiding the pain of abandomnent. It is as if I will do anything to stave off that pain, even though a consequence is pain in another form. Living alone frightens me. Walking into an empty house with no one there makes me feel so sad. I am avoiding this. I am taking responsiblity for this. In some ways I am the problem........and I need to find the solution.
axa
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axa.
Trust me, you are not alone in the fear of abandonment. It is my greatest fear.
Three + years ago, even after I had learned that my ex was having an affair, that he had been lying to me for most of our marriage about why we did not have more intimacy, that he was addicted to pornography and masturbation (just for starters)--I stilled BEGGED him not to leave me. And I don't mean just asked, but got down on my hands and knees, sobbing hysterically and BEGGED. It is a scene that will forever be in my head and about which I carry a great deal of shame for how pathetic I was.
But I will never let anyone have that kind of power over me again (I hope). I hope I have learned to read the signs better, know dishonesty when I hear it, and reach out for help before things get out of control. Time will tell, I guess.
Brigid
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Hi Brigid,
Thank you for responding. I am soooooooooooo angry right now. Set a clear boundary with him and once again he has broken it. his actions tell me he disregards my needs and my CLEAR requests and so treats me disrespectfuly. And I think why not, I am treating myself with disrespect accepting this type of behaviour. If I can not stand up and say this is not good enough why should he bother. He, his ex and his kids are all playing emotional games and as far as I can see everyone is getting hurt but I am still in there.
I am so angry but I cannot hold onto it. I feel what is going on is not good enough and yet I am willing to take it. God I feel pathetic.
I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. I feel I have lowered my standards to such a degree that I am not surprised he behaves like such a sh.. God i AM MAD RIGHT NOW.
axa
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axa,
What I should have said before, but for whatever reason did not, is that being alone is really not that bad. It is terrifying to think about and imagine, but once it happens and you get used to it, it really can be enlightening. It allows you freedom that you never had. You can recreate your life with a whole different script and hopefully a happy ending rather than one, long, painful drama.
It is good that you are feeling angry. It is a sign that you are moving beyond the pathetic, needy stage to a place of strength and determination. I suggest you start a journal as a place to release some of that anger. I did that and it really helped. It also helped when I would read back several months down the line and see how far I had come.
From your postings, I'm not exactly sure what is going on in your household, but I wish you well as you find your way to peace and serenity.
Hugs,
Brigid
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Boy does your story sound familiar. The lack of intimacy, both sexual and emotional, the gradual dawning of the fact that your partner would prefer to masturbate and watch pornography. That right there is devastating. Take a minute to let that sink in and it hurts a lot. Staying because the fear of abandonment and lonliness is huge. I put up with an affair, his kids and him treating me like a dolt, financial fraud and more. Stopping the craziness came about through anger and the inability to repress the anger. It was the tail of the dragon beginning to shake and once awakened it could not be stopped. I started to be honest and had a sort of death defying sense of flying in outer space. Once I started to quietly and assertively tell the truth almost everyone in his sphere thought I had lost my mind.
There is no doubt that getting free is not easy, nor is giving birth.
I have been by myself after a seven year relationship for 6 weeks. I cried for the first three weeks and could not believe that life was going to go on without him. I begged him to change, I begged him to make things better. But I could not go back into denial no matter how hard I tried. There is a terrible but beautiful truth to facing the facts and making an adult decision to LIVE and be honest. Someone referred to the metaphor of chewing off your foot in order to get free because staying in an insane world full of lies and deception is something you don't choose to do.
You are right to be afraid. It hurts like hell. The only way I have found to get through it is to have friends who understand. They have been there and they will help you to get through. It is such a different experience to be with people who have empathy. God bless them.
This is a good place and there are people here to help you. Tell your story,find your voice.
With love.
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I think there is something for me about avoiding the pain of abandomnent. It is as if I will do anything to stave off that pain, even though a consequence is pain in another form. Living alone frightens me. Walking into an empty house with no one there makes me feel so sad. I am avoiding this. I am taking responsiblity for this. In some ways I am the problem........and I need to find the solution.
I feel what is going on is not good enough and yet I am willing to take it. God I feel pathetic.
I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. I feel I have lowered my standards to such a degree that I am not surprised he behaves like such a sh.. God i AM MAD RIGHT NOW.
Axa - YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. You are in a painful situation with no GOOD solution. You are very clear about your
circumstances. You know it is bad and you know that you cannot bear abandonment. Staving off pain is a survival strategy. But your instincts may be confused and that is what you are in the process of sorting out.
The most important and healing thing that you can do RIGHT NOW is to stop belittling yourself. Take this kind of language out of your vocabulary: God I feel pathetic You are not pathetic - you are in extreme pain, you are in survival mode. But start giving yourself credit for what you are doing. you are sorting out this nightmare and finding solutions. You are in the midst of creating a solution. You are taking care of yourself inspite of the fear you are in. So start right now and give yourself credit. Support yourself, encourage yourself. You are in the midst of an emotional train wreck. You haven't even gotten to the emergency room yet much less been bandaged or started rehab. If your spouse is no respector of you or your boundaries you must be. We'll give you support and encouragement while you find yourself and your courage.
No more putting yourself down in thought or writing. You are working out your solution. - Gaining Strength
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Axa,
What beautiful and powerful things Sea Storm, GS and Brigid have said.
It is being in your own company that you fear, I think. The emptiness you fear is an emptiness you have believed is inside yourself.
You are not empty. You have rage and fear and hurt and love and hope and intelligent thought and sweet life force and peace inside.
Be alone. It's all right. It is important to remember when you are alone that time is warped for children of Ns. The new thought (and it's true, not a delusion) is that I am alone right now and it is not permanent.
There are times when I am alone. I pass through these times. Then I go out, or someone comes in, and I flow with the community. Then I return to some period of solitude. Then I go out, or someone comes in, and then I have solitude. And then I go out, or...etc.
It is just like tide, like spring and fall, like waxing and waning of the moon, like warm and cool, like awake and asleep...like all those natural things. Being alone. Being with others. Being with the self.
You are brave, Axa. You can experience being with yourself and survive it. You will even come one day to enjoy discovering yourself, being curious about who you are. It is a journey and you have as good a ship as anyone.
love,
Hops
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Hi all,
I have read a lot of the posts and while I recognise the patterns and the drama triangle........and yes my part and I have danced around it and am still engaged in some way. The past few days i have not taken the bait. I have not reacted to provication. I have stayed with myself and stayed connected to the joyful part of me. All around me the crazy making continues and I am holding myself. I feel good about this but the nagging question of why I just dont walk keeps coming up. It is linked, I know, with me taking responsibility.
It's also linked to the need to 'take your time'. Don't be too hard on yourself about this... as moon said, these things are as difficult as they need to be, but nobody is setting a timetable for us to deal with them. Keeping your eyes on the prize - retaining the awareness that these things are there and that you have the heart intention to deal with them - often opens a way for what you need to come to you in ways you'd never believe.
As I write this I can connect with a part of me that is happy to be me but I am in denial about the madness that I live with. It is drama all the time. Everything is complicated: its like living on a rollercoaster. And yet I can find a calm place in myself.
This is something a lot of folks never manage. I envy you this ability, axa. As long as it doesn't turn into this:
http://www.uclick.com/client/wpc/nq/
you're doing a lot better than I ever managed to!
I think there is something for me about avoiding the pain of abandomnent. It is as if I will do anything to stave off that pain, even though a consequence is pain in another form. Living alone frightens me. Walking into an empty house with no one there makes me feel so sad. I am avoiding this. I am taking responsiblity for this. In some ways I am the problem........and I need to find the solution.
axa
axa... do you have a bond with animals? I live alone in terms of humans, but it feels almost blasphemous for me to say I am alone here. I have loving, gentle, dear warm creatures who live with me and love me and make a warm, soft, tender place right at the center of my life. I can't imagine being without them, and I can't imagine calling this life 'solitary' or 'alone' when I live in such community! You might find that the love of a sweet animal, shining eyes gazing up into your face, little furry body dancing its joy when you come home each day, is enough to fill your heart to bursting. Especially if you are able to save one or two from a shelter... or other dire situation. [Edit in: this is a Quinby Rescue, and it's one of the best antidotes to Karpman that I know of! When you rescue a shelter animal, or an abandoned pet, and bring them into your home, there are no games. There is no persecution, no victim. It's all healthy and loving and good, and you may experience healthy gratitude for the first time in your life. It doesn't matter that it's not coming from another human being. What matters is that it's there, and healthy, and good.*]
If this next bit hurts, stop and come back to it later. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel as though, underneath everything, I was really all alone - in human terms - with nobody to rely on but myself, when the chips were down. It turns out that with my family dysfunction, I was absolutely right.
Basically, if one parent is N, or abusive, and the other parent is wholly consumed by enabling, caretaking, or doing damage control on the first one, then you have been abandoned from the very start.
I spent most of my life in pain over this, but my efforts to solve it were mostly counterproductive. I found myself wasting honesty and loyalty on people who weren't capable of honesty or loyalty to me; expending huge amounts of energy keeping the peace, keeping things steady, making a difference in workplaces and social settings that showed not a particle of awareness or appreciation.
I got tired of feeling like a hall monitor in middle school, and I finally decided this should stop. I've been pulling the plug, in stages, for the last few years. In the meantime, though, I've noticed that it's harder to find constructive replacements for the destructive interactions. I think this is true, and typical of the larger society we live in at present. So it may take time... both to reach the 'minimum safe distance' that you need [which only you can define for yourself] and to find new 'safe people' and 'safe groups' to be with.
There's a terrific book, by the way: "Safe People" by Drs. Townsend and Cloud. If you can't find it in mainstream bookstores, try small independent Christian ones. They can be a treasure trove!
Don't lose heart... ((((((((((axa)))))))))) because even though you may have been alone in your Family Of Origin, once you start out on the journey to awareness and healing, you'll never be entirely alone again. And you're already on that journey...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*animal 'hoarding' unfortunately is an unhealthy variation on this... but I'm not talking about that here, and it's very easy to tell the difference.
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thank you all so much for your wisdom and posts. As i travel a lot it is difficult for me have an animal. Today was ok........N visiting kids, lots of games and manipulation going on there. Due home this evening heard nothing so I called and he said he would be back tomorrow. Never thought to call me to let me know. I guess it is not appropriate to swear here but I am doing plenty of that in my head.
We have been together for nearly four years and it is one drama after another. I also made the mistake of giving up a lot to be with him.........big lesson here for me. Feel a bit calmer now then I did an hour ago. Wish I had the strenght to dump his stuff in the garden and pray for rain. i have decided to take a trip with my sister in the spring so I am putting things in place to move on from here.
I have not told my story here because it is so crazy I dont feel able right now but hopefully will work up to it soon. The tragedy is that I have been in this place so many times before........... hopefully this is the last time.
thanks for all the hugs, they feel good, its been a while.
axa
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My thoughts and courage are with you axa. you will get through this. - GS
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Axa,
I think lots of us have done the same things over and over again as far as getting into these "relationships". It takes a long time to see it and a long time to change it.
When you're ready to share your story you will. And I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised that the world doesn't cave in and nobody will judge you and many will empathize and thank you for sharing your story because it will strike a chord with others and make them feel less alone.
This is quite a place, isn't it?
Pennyplant
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(((((((((((((((((((((((axa))))))))))))))))))))
I have a husband of 14 years... and I am STILL afraid of being abandoned. I have spent the past 6 months alone (he's in Baghdad)... mostly I have enjoyed it. There are days when I just feel empty, though. Axa, my point is, our issues are deeper than having a good partner. I need to work on me before I can trust him (and you'd think that after 14 years and all the crap we've been through and how close I am with his family and how he professes to want to get old and ugly together, I'd feel safe). It'll be good. It'll be life - ups and downs...
Lots of love,
Beth
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(((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry I didn't think to ask you how your Thanksgiving was, with your soldier away.
Did you get to talk to him?
Did you have a good day that day?
What are your plans for the holidays?
Thinking of you, and him,
Hops
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Hey hops,
Yes, we had a really nice weekend. It was quiet, I cleaned a lot and started painting a picture of Henry which is really coming out beautifully. We put up the Xmas tree and I took the kids rock-climbing at a gym here and they LOVED it. My husband called and said he got to sleep in, work out and eat some nice food. He sounded very relaxed. What did you do?
Love, Beth
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That sounds like a great day, Beth.
It's so amazing to me that families can talk to their soldiers...
I took Ma's gentleman friend (93) to the church potluck, since she wanted to sleep.
He and I had a great time. I sat him down next to a spitfire (late 80s) I know, and she recited Kunitz poetry and he countered with Gilbert and Sullivan lyrics. It was such a lift to watch the two of them...they are both going blind, and they took such great pleasure in being in the moment, in deft and ranging conversation.
Hops
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I love Gilbert and Sullivan!!! Have you ever seen the Muppets episode where the dog is playing "Tit Willow" on the piano and the vulture is supposed to sing along? My kids and I love it. We laugh so hard!!
I also love hanging out with older people. I was thinking the other day... here on the island, we are all the same. We have a dress code, so you see very little "different" attire or hairstyles and such. And most people are youngish. It's odd to be in a place that is so mono-everything...
Sounds like you had a sweet day too hops. It was nice of your Grandma to lend you her boyfriend :)
Love, Beth
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Hi Beth,
Boy, Mom sure did yield center stage for a change.
She does seem happy he likes me, and that I like him.
He has no family so we try to fill in.
(SO glad Richard got the site back up...thank you Richard, and speaking of Thanksgiving, don't how I could be more grateful for the gift of this board!!!!)
Hops