Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Jade on December 07, 2006, 02:40:48 PM

Title: One small boundary
Post by: Jade on December 07, 2006, 02:40:48 PM: Greetings:

Would like to share a very small but meaningful incident.

I was having brunch with an acquaintance. I was enjoying my two scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast and herbal tea, and the fact that I was not having home fries, because of the carbs and fat. My acquaintance's meal was an overly generous serving of thick sweet-potato soup. It didn't appeal to me anyway, and I was satisfied with my meal as it was.

She said, "Oh no, they gave me way too much! Here, you take some!" Then she got a small bowl for me and spooned 3 to 5 heaping tablespoons into it.

I planned to taste some, but realized I didn't really want to, not even a few drops. I let the bowl sit there through our meal, but did not touch it or refer to it. Neither did she. She didn't like the soup that much, and left most of hers. After she left, I discarded what she'd given me.

Thank you for listening.
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: October on December 07, 2006, 02:50:39 PM: Quote from: Jade on December 07, 2006, 02:40:48 PM
Greetings:

Would like to share a very small but meaningful incident.

I was having brunch with an acquaintance. I was enjoying my two scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast and herbal tea, and the fact that I was not having home fries, because of the carbs and fat. My acquaintance's meal was an overly generous serving of thick sweet-potato soup. It didn't appeal to me anyway, and I was satisfied with my meal as it was.

She said, "Oh no, they gave me way too much! Here, you take some!" Then she got a small bowl for me and spooned 3 to 5 heaping tablespoons into it.

I planned to taste some, but realized I didn't really want to, not even a few drops. I let the bowl sit there through our meal, but did not touch it or refer to it. Neither did she. She didn't like the soup that much, and left most of hers. After she left, I discarded what she'd given me.

Thank you for listening.

Well done for maintaining your boundary, without hurting your friend. She may have meant well, but as we all know, that is not always enough.

Btw, your lunch sounds great. Feeling hungry now. :D
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: gratitude28 on December 07, 2006, 09:06:40 PM: Jade,
It is so nice to make progress... progress and not perfection is my goal...

I had a boundary-setting incident today too. I decided that I am not going to let my boss make me feel guilty anymore so that he can hold that over me. I am tired of his passive-agressive games and he can either take me as I am (a motivated and very efficient worker) or he can try to find someone who even comes close to achieving what I do here. No more games and head trips.

That doesn't mean I'll be able to stick to it all the time... but I am doing SO MUCH better with it.

Thanks for the topic Jade and for letting me see that progress is possible in everything.
Love, Beth
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: penelope on December 07, 2006, 09:13:06 PM: hi jade,

food issues. This is deeply personal, if you were raised in a family where parents manipulated with food. Especially if they forced you to eat! So, I can imagine the guilt of "wasting" that food.

Good for you for just making it a non-issue.

It sounds like your friend was cool with it too?

bean
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Hopalong on December 07, 2006, 10:42:07 PM: What a neat story, Jade.
You were detached enough not to fight with her about it but still let that soup just sit.

I'm impressed! I think that was the wisest way to handle it.

My closest friend really bugs me by offering me food when I've already said I'm not hungry,
and then saying, "Are you sure? Are you sure?"

Sometimes I'm wobbling on the edge of self control and I feel sort of sabotaged.
She comes from a culture where sharing food is very important (we all do, I think)--
but I know I have to repress some anger when she does this.

Thanks for modeling a cool response.

Hopalong
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Dazed1 on December 08, 2006, 12:19:36 AM: Jade,

Love your story and can really relate.

My mother almost always questioned my choice of food when ordering in a restaurant. Often, I would give in and let her choose what I should eat.

Congrats on enforcing your boundary in a subtle way.

dazed
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Jade on December 08, 2006, 01:48:52 PM: October: Thanks for your vote of confidence. Assertion without hostility can be hard.

gratitude28/Beth: It sounds as though you set an internal boundary. Please describe exactly how you keep yourself from feeling guilty. Would also like to hear specific examples of dynamic between you and boss.

penelope/bean: Thanks for your immediate understanding of the centrality of food/emotion/personal boundaries/identity. Yes, forced eating, guilt over wasting, eating as a debt of gratitude to the cook's effort, are only a few of the issues. The acquaintance said nothing, so I don't know how she felt, but I consider her anorexic, so I think that had more to do with her "sharing" than generosity.

Hopalong:
Quote
My closest friend really bugs me by offering me food when I've already said I'm not hungry ... Sometimes I'm wobbling on the edge of self control and I feel sort of sabotaged ... I have to repress some anger when she does this.
I can totally relate. Our appearance is an incredible battleground in women's lives, representing our currency still, in spite of feminism. Friends have to be saints not to envy our successes.

Dazed1:
Quote
My mother almost always questioned my choice of food when ordering in a restaurant. Often, I would give in and let her choose what I should eat.
Thanks for sharing that painful info. Any flashbacks to this now, for example, in a restaurant with friends?

Another recent incident goes with this topic:

A male acquaintance casually asked me to have tea in a local café. It's only 70 cents per cup, but he paid for both of ours, and I allowed it, though subtly nervous about the message that sends. I added a scant tablespoon of wildflower honey, feeling faintly guilty about the carbs.

As soon as I sipped this "treat," I disliked the taste. It was an herbal tea blend I hadn't yet tried, and it tasted overly flavored, sort of bitter and false, and the honey-sweetness on top of that was almost repellent. I kept my reaction to myself, which is characteristic; then tried a few more mouthfuls, while doubting myself (also characteristic).

About halfway through, I rebelled, and set down the cup. I said, "I'm afraid I just don't like this tea flavor at all." Then he started drinking it! (He has food issues too.) "Do you like it?" I asked. "Well, it's better than mine," he said.

But I didn't like it, and I didn't finish it! And I didn't drink his, either!
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Hopalong on December 08, 2006, 08:04:15 PM: Hi Jade,
Your healthy boundaries around what you take in physically are such a revealing parallel to the whole issue of boundaries generally.

Your posts have reminded me again about emotional eating...will start a new thread.

thank you,

Hops
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: gratitude28 on December 10, 2006, 09:19:47 PM: Jade,
Thank you for asking me HOW I set the boundary... because I am thinking it through now and trying to identify my thought process. I also think it was bones a while back (or maybe bean) who suggested that I state simply what I needed to do and carry through on it... period... no guilt feelings... no regrets....
A lot of what goes on with me is in my own head... I know that. I ASSUME my boss is not happy with this or that. In actuality, there have been only a handful of incidents where he was being a jerk... I'll give the most recent one... I do a TON of work each month. Aside from him, I am the only employee for a student group of about 550 and 20 professors, plus we submit invoices and purchase orders through a contract company.Not a huge operation, but plenty of work. Last week, I sent in two invoices with a mistake on them... I had an extra line in the header. So he asked me if I was having any personal problems or of there was a reason why I made a mistake. Mind you, he sends out emails to everyone with half the words misspelled, incorrect info all the time, etc. Needless to say, I was pissed. I just told him that everything was fine, went back to my desk and did my work. After a half an hour or so, he said he wanted to go out and buy us coffee ant the new Starbucks that had just opened. It was a concilatory gesture and it pissed me off even more. But I was as nice as I always am...
At any rate, I have decided I am NOT going to allow myself to assume feelings needlessly because of his games. This is my JOB, not my life. And he is not my parent. So when I start emoting... I squash it... I have deicded I will do my job as I always do, be kind to everyone and if he wants to get in one of his little snits, fine.
That being said, I haven't perfected this yet :) But I am working on it.
Jade, where else in your life do you have these issues?
Love, Beth
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: seasons on December 12, 2006, 07:53:27 AM: Hi Jade,

I had tingles because each word was so familiar. HUGE accomplishments, oh I am just so excited for you. :)

Just lovely, hope is lovely and you are too. seasons
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Jade on December 12, 2006, 05:10:59 PM: To seasons:
Thank you for your kind and enthusiastic words. Would like to hear any similar stories from you.

To Hopalong:
Quote
emotional eating...will start a new thread
Please tell me the title of the thread? Couldn't find it.

To gratitude28/Beth:
Quote
state simply what I needed to do and carry through on it... period... no guilt feelings... no regrets....
I have never been able to manage this kind of emotional control on an internal basis, and I don't think it's possible. I try to let my thoughts and feelings be what they are, and focus on actions. Example: I have been able, sometimes, to keep from apologizing, explaining or defending aloud, literally by pressing my lips together. This is done through a conscious effort of will, just as I would hold a stone in my hand rather than letting it drop. I then relax my mouth, breathe in through my nose, and wait to see what the other person does.

But I am no Zen master, so even this kind of external control is quite difficult for me.

Quote
he asked me if I was having any personal problems or if there was a reason why I made a mistake.
Everyone makes mistakes, daily. That is normal life. But it took me a long time to affirm this, even internally. I've had bosses who made me so nervous that I made more mistakes than usual. It sounds as though you're continuously overburdened at work, as well. Sorry that this is so.

Quote
where else in your life do you have these issues?
Everywhere that you can name.
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: lightofheart on December 12, 2006, 06:35:36 PM: Thanks, Jade, for starting this one, and to everyone for kicking in the great life experience responses. I'm so grateful to read anything people can share about boundaries...definitely a slow-learning area for me.

Imho, seems like the common thread with the boundary setting described here (maybe all boundary setting?) started with a choice, whether conscious or unconscious or sheer instinct, NOT to take the other folks' behavior personally and to own what you DO want.

Some people can't apologize. Or admit they make mistakes. Or accept that others might have a very different relationship with food.

I feel lucky when I can remember that other folk's challenges aren't about me, just like mine aren't about them. And am trying to learn how to kick myself less when I backslide into one of those old negative tapes, assuming X's anger/insecurity/whatever is about who I am or something I did. Me being the center of the universe, of course! :D

IMHO, everyone who posted deserves a pat on the back for choosing to carve out a little piece of healthy ground, even in the face of self-doubt or fear or someone else's issues.

Like you said, Jade, one small boundary can be a huge step. One of my friends calls good boundaries the world's best vitamins.

LoH
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: seasons on December 13, 2006, 12:14:31 AM: My recent food story. Last Friday I went to visit my sister for christmas, it was quiete a show but I will stay on topic. On the phone as we confirmed our plans she sternly says "You are going to bring something aren't you!" Who would ever say that to a guest coming, only an majoy N.
I said, "Well what do you have?" I have never made a comment like that in my life to her. I knew she would have something to say back but it felt good, like what do we have to work with tpye of question.
She said, "I have nothing!" Then I said, "Of course I'm going to bring something." Like usual
I brought a blueberry ring and tonic. She had nothing to serve, except to tell us (my three girls) how lucky we were to be able to use her new dishes, and she meant it. LOL They came from the dollar store.

What I did not bring for the first time in my LIFE was COFFEE. I have bought her coffee for decades, not anymore. We are huge coffee drinkers. I was their for the afternoon, she never offered me a cup. She does not buy coffee for herself she makes her own pot, she only expects freebies from others.

Another time I met her half way from the Drs. office. She got in my car and said, " I hope you have money." I said, yes, why?
Well I lost my pocketbook I think I put it on my roof of my car when I left. I dramaticly said here use my phone call your son and see if it fell off in your driveway or road. I had a huge grin inside. I was right, she lied.
She said, oh he's not home I'm not going to worry about it now, I just want to know I can get a roast beef sandwich after my appointment.
Please, do you know any women who wouldn't want their pocketbook found NOW. By the way I paid for her lunch yet again, when she got home, silly her said she left it in her breezeway. How convient...........
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Hopalong on December 13, 2006, 07:24:25 PM: Seasons' sister: ...lost my purse...lielielie...married a moviestar....lielie....deserve caviar.....lielielie.....take my sister totally for granted.....truetruetrue....

Seasons: (bursts into incredibly loud sobs) Oh my GOD, I have been so desperately trying to avoid telling you this but I do not have any money, I have gambled it all away and I am being chased by gangsters and I was going to ask you to feed ME, I know this is not your custom but I would be so terribly grateful for just a little free food, you know, just a little bit that you could treat me to????? I have been so light-headed going without protein...(collapses on steering wheel, horn blares....)

Hops: I must be evil. :shock:
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: seasons on December 14, 2006, 12:07:13 PM: (Hops)

I needed that so much. I actually was laughing so much, I had to hold my stomach from bursting a gut! I don't ever remember laughing outloud about them.

What a gift.....................................Thank you :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Hopalong on December 14, 2006, 07:56:20 PM: You're welcome! :wink:

(I'll do about anything for a larf...)

Hops :P
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: gratitude28 on December 14, 2006, 09:19:01 PM: That'll do, pig, that'll do.

Kisses...
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Jade on December 20, 2006, 04:08:53 PM: To Seasons:
I read your story about your sister, how you didn't bring coffee for the first time, but she still had you pay for her roast-beef sandwich. How is that going these days?
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Jade on December 20, 2006, 04:12:04 PM: Here's a boundary yet to be established: Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist. I have a lifetime problem with this anyway. I feel intimidated by my current dentist. Her personality is dominant and extroverted. She always wants to know what I'm doing for work. I manage a little freelance income now and then, but it's a sore subject.

It's bad enough facing the dentist in the first place. But to carry the burden of making status-oriented small talk and trying to be entertaining is not fair. It's as though I'm at a business networking event or a party, trying to impress people and even get the upper hand, so that they don't squash me.

This kind of competition goes against my nature. Usually at the dentist's, I am doing my best to leave my body temporarily, as I find any kind of dentistry to be torture. I can't endure being physically at someone's mercy. It's physical and psychological torture at the same time. And then trying to make the right kind of small talk on top of that is crazy!
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: pennyplant on December 20, 2006, 07:27:28 PM: Well, it's especially hard to talk to a dentist while they are working on your mouth. I don't understand why they would expect an answer!

My suggestion: leave out the words "manage" "a little" "now and then". Just tell her you do free-lance work and then maybe tell something about one project. Don't have to say when the last job was or how much it paid. It will all be true. And it will be enough for that particular awkward situation. Then maybe a little laughing gas would be in order!

I get what you're saying about the competition aspects of this type of conversation, especially when you're not happy right now with the way your work is going. But, it sounds like she has a real need to one-up people. And her patients for crying out loud. That is her flaw and you don't have to feel like you don't measure up. Actually she sounds boring and annoying to me. You are the interesting one, Jade.

Good luck with the dentist visit tomorrow. Hope it goes by real fast.

Pennyplant
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Hopalong on December 20, 2006, 07:34:17 PM: Hi Jade,
My advice when she asks personal questions is to say:

"Actually, I've figured out that it increases my tension over the procedure to chat, so if you don't mind, I'll just focus on my relaxation. Thanks."

Ehh? You do not have to participate at all in a convo that doesn't feel good to you.

Hops
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: seasons on December 20, 2006, 09:00:05 PM: Great advice Hops. (Jade)

I only bring change with one dollar, doesn't buy a sandwich these days. Learning every day. :) seasons
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Jade on December 21, 2006, 12:56:29 PM: To pennyplant:
Thanks for your good boundary suggestion. It is very sensible. There are many people who want to know details about my life which I don't want to tell them. They're not afraid to ask things like how much rent I pay, etc. I know it's up to me to field such questions, and not to offer more info than I want to give out. This is a lifelong difficulty. It boils down to, am I going to let people dominate me or not? I know the answer is calm assertiveness, establishment of boundaries. I'm only just learning to do it with a cup of tea.

To Hopalong:
Your boundary suggestion is excellent also. I can hardly imagining actually saying such a thing, though it would be the truth. Refusing people anything -- asking to have my emotional needs met -- establishing any boundary -- always makes me afraid that they are going to be offended, get huffy or defensive, and retaliate in some way. Also, I feel guilty for having hurt their feelings, embarrassed them, troubled them, made things difficult or more complicated for them. Clearly the traits of a person from a dysfunctional FOO, probably with Nism in the elders.

To seasons:
That sounds like a good solution -- only bring with you what you can spend! Good luck.

Now the good news:
I held my own with the hygienist today, who was very pleasant. (The dentist wasn't there.) We made a certain amount of chitchat, but she didn't push it, and she was respectful of the sensitivity in my mouth. She found an old filling which needs replacement, so I'm coming back in a month. That gives me time to practice assertiveness, to deal better with the dentist!
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: pennyplant on December 21, 2006, 07:45:44 PM: Oh, good! I'm so glad it went better than you expected. And I bet you will be more than ready for the dentist when that next appointment time comes around. It is good to be prepared in advance. It was sort of a like a reprieve. You'll be stronger by then!

Pennyplant
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Jade on December 26, 2006, 05:47:41 PM: To pennyplant:
Quote
You'll be stronger by then!
You're an optimist! But thank you for the positive reinforcement.

To Bean:
Quote
You could always pause....say for 20 - 30 seconds or so (I know it seems like an eternity and it practically is), then say:
Don't mean to change the subject, but I've been meaning to ask you about my gums...
You made me laugh! The scene you imagine sounds very funny. I would like to act in that movie.

I wish there were a reality TV show about positive, healthy assertiveness. I would be glued to it.
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: calauria on December 26, 2006, 05:52:46 PM: Quote from: Jade on December 07, 2006, 02:40:48 PM
Greetings:

Would like to share a very small but meaningful incident.

I was having brunch with an acquaintance. I was enjoying my two scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast and herbal tea, and the fact that I was not having home fries, because of the carbs and fat. My acquaintance's meal was an overly generous serving of thick sweet-potato soup. It didn't appeal to me anyway, and I was satisfied with my meal as it was.

She said, "Oh no, they gave me way too much! Here, you take some!" Then she got a small bowl for me and spooned 3 to 5 heaping tablespoons into it.

I planned to taste some, but realized I didn't really want to, not even a few drops. I let the bowl sit there through our meal, but did not touch it or refer to it. Neither did she. She didn't like the soup that much, and left most of hers. After she left, I discarded what she'd given me.

Thank you for listening.

Yay for you!! :D
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: gratitude28 on December 26, 2006, 10:03:15 PM: Oh Jade,
I have the same problem with dentists/techs... And I get a new one everytime, so it's always a crapshoot... So glad you made it through it well!!!! I'll keep it in mind next time I have to go :)
Love, Beth
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Jade on January 08, 2007, 06:48:07 PM: I would like to offer two anecdotes from my life today, on the subject of assertion and personal boundaries:

The Garden Club on the Elevator
The Garden Club ladies were taking down the Christmas trees in the library. I had pressed the elevator button and was waiting calmly. A minute or two later, the ladies came to the elevator, weighed down with ornaments and boxes, and the leader said, "Are you waiting for the elevator?" in an officious tone. The vibes were that she wanted to commandeer the elevator.
I said, "Yes."
"Have you pressed the button?" she pursued, peering around me to the elevator button.
"Yes, I pressed the button, and I did it all by my lonesome, too!" I said. (OK, sarcasm, not always the highest choice, but better than total silence in the face of subtle bullying.)
As we all got in, I took charge by saying, "I'll hold the door for you all, I'll press the DOOR OPEN button," and I did so.
We were all inside with the boxes and ornaments, a relatively tight fit, but doable. I waited politely for them to press the button for their floor, then I pressed the button for mine.
"What floor are you going to, dear?" asked the Garden Club leader, in a saccharine tone.
"I'm going to 1, but I've pressed it already, and I did it all by my lonesome," I said.

The Poetry of Expression
I was writing poetry in the library's reading room, a large, attractive space. I was deeply concentrating on my work, reliving the experience I was "translating" into verse, when an acquaintance stage-whispered at me from across the room, "Are you all right?" (She's a freelance writer who comes regularly to the library to work on her laptop computer.)
I got up immediately and crossed the room to speak quietly to her. "Yes, I'm all right, why do you ask?" I said.
"Well, you suddenly looked really upset, like you weren't all right," she said.
"Oh, I see. I suppose all kinds of expressions flick across my face when I'm working," I said. I then briefly explained to her my poetic process; she seemed to understand, and apologized for interrupting me.
It took me a while to get back into the state of mind for poetic composition after that, but I managed.
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: isittoolate on January 08, 2007, 08:54:33 PM: hi Jade,

I haven't read all of this thread, and I don't know how I missed it......???? because being assertive and watching my boundaries are what I am trying to do!!

BBL
Izzy

(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/jumpnbug.gif)
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: isittoolate on January 08, 2007, 10:00:11 PM: Hi Jade,

I am back and read the thread---oh such fun to read of everyone being assertive enough to stick to their boundaries. I feel as though I ought to tell a story about food--- hmm.
oh well I can but it's kinda backwards.

My "husband's" famliy is Catholic, not mine though, and there was a time, for you younger folks when Catholics ate only fish on Friday. Hubby's brother was coming for dinner and the weekend and I forgot, as hubby was non-practicing. I made a big pot of my deeelicious beef stew, so it could simmer, and not be ruined being we didn't know his arrival time.

He arrived and hubby called that he'd be late to go ahead with dinner. BIL turned down the stew and all I could make for him was fried eggs and toast!

I was horribly embarrassed.................however I learned many years later that Catholics were allowed to eat meat on Friday under the very circumstances I presented, so as not to embarrass the hostess..

This rather fits in that I accepted the blame because I didn't study Catholicism! Had I done that I could have stood my ground and forced him to eat the stew!

When I get better at boundaries--i will do better with a story.

Love all
Izzy
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: gratitude28 on January 08, 2007, 10:40:01 PM: Hi Jade,
I understand your first story and that you were annoyed by the ladies in the elevator (kind of dumb to ask if you had pressed the button unless you seem totally dimwitted, eh???). However, I have a few questions about the poetry story... Did you not want to be bothered at all? If so, why write in a public place where you had an "aquaintance." Also, if she is aquainted with you, perhaps she would like to be friends and was looking for an opener with you. I am not sure I understand the point of your story. Were you saying you were annoyed with her?
Just wanted to clarify!
Congrats on making personal progress.
Love, Beth
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Jade on January 09, 2007, 02:25:12 PM: Hi Izzy:
Sorry that you felt embarrassed about making the beef stew. I hope your husband and brother-in-law were nice about the situation. I think I understand your feelings -- were you taught that any clash, conflict or problem was your fault? Were you taught that it was your job to fill everyone else's needs? If so, we can relate.

Hi gratitude28/Beth:
See what you think of the following:

The Procrustean Eraser
I went to the office-supply store to get a new eraser insert for my mechanical pencil, which was bought there. There were product ID numbers on the container, but none on my pencil. I asked the manager to match the insert to the pencil, telling her its brand name and style.
Rifling impatiently through the container, she snatched one out and tried to cram it into the end of my pencil. It has a delicate internal mechanism which could easily have snapped during this process.
I quickly took my pencil back and showed her the special twisting end. She did find the right one after that, but it was clearly by hazard.
There was no line waiting; in fact, no other customers were in the store.

My comment:
In the past, I might not have stepped in so quickly to rescue my pencil, if at all. That I did so is an example of assertion.

FOO training:
Others always know better than you do. Don't question those in charge, criticize others, complain or interrupt. If there is any clash, conflict or problem, it is your fault.
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: isittoolate on January 09, 2007, 05:21:47 PM: hi Jade,

Good for you saving your pencil. I think I could manage that with any of my belongings.

As far back as I can remember, I had no voice--I got that from voicelessness, obviously! There was always so much discord, raging, spankings, beatings in my very early years up to being 15-16 and seeing my father with the razor strap beating the next eldest sister. Her arms were covered with welts and she was going on a date that night with her steady.

So this was a long stretch of never talking back, or fighting back on my part. I lived "afraid" to do anything but what I was told, and if anything went wrong, I always felt I would be to blame.

There was a instance when I was 4, when we 3 older girls were told to get dressed. I was never told why/where or anything. I couldn't find a pair of underpants, and don't know whose I put on, but I wrapped and gathered in the waist of this large pair and pinned it with a huge safety pin. They stayed in place.

Destination? Hospital to have our tonsils and adenoids removed. I was 4 , as I said, and had to undress in front of a nurse and was SO EMBARRASSED about my underwear! my first experiencce with a bedpan and didn't know I ought to sit up, so I peed straight up into the air!

I just grew up to be a follower without a mind of my own, painfully shy, and embarrassed very easily.

When I was 8, in Grade 5, the only other girl was Shirley, age 12. She had breasts. I didn't!!!! I overheard the older girls asking my eldest sister why I didn't have breasts when Shirley did. I don't recall my sister's response. When I was 10, my next eldest sister peeked through a crack when I was changing. I had no pubic hair. She went to all the other sibs and told them to call me 'baldy'. When they did I knew it was something negative and I felt taunted, but didn't even know why.

I never went to my mother about anything, nor did she offer anything. I grew up ashamed of my body and wondering if I looked at all the same, naked, as any other girl would look.

It seems to me that all my problems were with the foo, and I was the only one without red hair.

Life can be a struggle, and somehow I cannot blame myself for withdrawing and finding a comfort zone of aloneness.

I expect that it is still 'fear' that keeps me this way.

I AM sorry. I rambled!!

Keep up your good work!!

Izzy
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: Hopalong on January 09, 2007, 10:57:54 PM: Ramble on, Izz...this is a great place for it.
I'm sorry about your father's violence. Horrible for you to experience, and your siblings.
And a horrible waste of a man's chance to be changed by the love of a child.

You were four years old and no one even helped you get ready for a hospital stay. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Quote
I never went to my mother about anything, nor did she offer anything.
:cry:

((((((((((Izzy)))))))))))))

Hops
Title: Re: One small boundary
Post by: gratitude28 on January 10, 2007, 07:31:29 AM: Yes, Jade, you are very right that I tend to let others take advantage... mostly I can say I tended to do that before. In this case, I would have been most annoyed that the person was not working and did not fulfill her job duties correctly (i.e. being patient and kind to a customer). I would have either faced her with that or asked to speak with her boss. Unfortunately, my poor pencils still get mangled a lot. I let that happen still...

What about the library??? You never answered me on that one... Were you annoyed with your aquaintance???

Thanks for the examples to help with clarity.

Love, Beth