Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on December 08, 2006, 11:31:50 PM
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I was shopping for a few essentials for tomorrow's 6 year old birthday party and I ran into someone who once was a best friend. (I have had no friends for the past 5 years.) She and I parted ways years ago when I was first divorced and we have not been in touch for many years. I saw her a couple of weeks ago in front of her house and I stopped and said hello and we said we should get together. Today when I ran into her in the village we chatted and then turned to our shopping and when she was finished she came and asked me to have lunch. It was so much fun, so comfortable and so easy.
This is a true sign that I have opened my doors again. Regardless of what happens with her I know I am open to friendships again and I am thankful. This is really what I thought that Law of Attraction was about rather than money or causing bad stuff to happen. So whether or not the "Law" is real I am chosing to believe that if I open my heart to the world my heart will be filled, if I name and counter the fears their fires will be squelched and my true soul can grow and prosper.
I do feel as though I am slowly coming to life. I have hope and I am thankful for this place and these people. You gave me love and friendship when I feared I was underserving and now that feeling is past. Thank you all. - Gaining Strength
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((((((((GS))))))))
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What a remarkable statement by Einstein. I think I will memorize that to carry forward with me. Thanks jac - GS
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When I am anxious, lonely and down I come here for solace and voice. I am a child in need of
comfort and encouragement and Voicelessness is my mother's lap, warm and welcoming.
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Thanks for sharing your beautiful post full of hope and joy. I'm so very happy for you.
((seasons))
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Thank you so much Seasons. I am so glad to have learned that life is lived in the small moments. The
small have taken on such large significance. The small are giving me joy and replacing the dark that I
let grow so large for so long.
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So much is flooding up - in my dreams, as I sit playing with my newly 6 year old, as I prepare for the day and event ahead, thoughts, feelings memories from the past are flooding my mind and the feelings are prickles of pins and needles. I am set on edge and trying to flee myself like a dog running from the itchy fleas on his back.
These wretched feelings are not new but the knowledge and understanding of their source is and so as unpleasant as the feelings and memories are I welcome them because I must process them to move on.
I have a full day ahead after a very full day of birthday celebration yesterday. I had hoped that some of the anxiety would have lefted after the birthday party concluded but other concerns just filled in that gap. That, sadly, is the nature of anxiety - the bucket never
empties.
I had a dream last night in which I am sitting in a small utility porch, screened in on the back of an old, country house. The sink is not working and there are 3 or 4 workmen there. The porch is too small for us all and 2 of the men are outside the screen door. One man has just unclogged the sink and has been paid exhorbitantly well for it by my mother. It is her sink. But the sink is still not working properly due to yet another problem. Two of the workmen want to fix it and are asking for the work at another exhobitant rate. They assume I am wealthy and can pay anything they ask. I am trapped - physically and mentally. I am beside the sink against the wall and they are between me and the door. The is no sense of danger just entrapment by the situation. I also don't have the money to pay them nor access to my mother or father to find out what they want done and I feel (unreasonably) responsible for the sink still not working. Though the price they are asking is unreasonable I feel obligated to them. I am stuck.
As I lay half awake I began processing this dream. It was an accurate reflection of my feelings in so many experiences in life. But as I began processing the dream I saw a different ending. I began joking with the men about how the first guy got away with sweet deal and that the sink - working or not - would not be the source of lucre for any others that day. The entire sense of entrapment and false responsibility were gone and in their stead a humorous take on the whole situation.
I am ready to process all of these memories in the same way - to take dross and make gold. This is my hope, my path to freedom. This crazy anxiety passes on for generations is no longer to be mine. The pain and paralysis are going to lift and I will have a chance to live freely. I have to battle regret over a life lived in prison and focus on the future of the freedom. Isn't it odd how difficult that is, how alluring the old misery is like the sirens of mythology the dark past calls me.
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I am struggling to get my child and myself to church today. I am fighting a huge sense of dread. Since I last posted (less than an hour ago) i have come full face with part of my lifelong struggle. I am at a tipping point, a place where I can actually choose between a lifelong pattern of thought and feeling or a new healthier one. Astonishingly the old one is alluring and difficult to release. How odd! How astonishingly shocking to me that I am at this point where it appears to be choice and I am drawn back.
I won't choose to go back. I choose to go forward and I will but I had not expected what I have encountered. Perhaps it is like that baby chick who must peck himself out of the shell without help from outside. The life is given via the struggle.
This place allows me to talk to the universe rather than just to myself and I am deeply thankful for that. I do not feel so all alone because I can come here where there are people who care. And I know there will be others who care as I continue to grow.
Reluctantly I am signin off for now but I take this place and you with me for comfort as I go.
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Dear GS,
I understand the lure of familiar fear.
You are so brave to keep facing it.
I know that medication for anxiety helped me so much...do you have anything? I told my doctor after having anxiety attacks for 15 years, I am tired of being a hero, give me a prescription. I don't abuse it but I am very willing to take it when that cold freefloating anxiety floats through me.
I think you are in that transitional space, and it's a time when we flow back and forth across a threshold like a puddle of snail-goo.
I think there's a great internal pressure to be IN the new life without understanding that every single day is our new life.
Holidays, birthdays, even Sundays are good fodder for triggering a skirmish in the war between the past and present. Just keep gently claiming each new day as your own. You only have to live it for yourself and your son.
Not for parents. Not for plumbers with their palms out.
What a sign it is to me that you found humor...that is definitely a new direction for your own symbols to take. Bravo!
Come back soon, tell us, how was church? Did you find a good space for yourself? I know the crowds are hard, that was always very true for me in the grip of anxiety...a near claustrophobia. It has gradually passed as I have felt over and over that I really am welcome in the community, it is mine, I am part of it, I am not a fraud nor a visitor, it's my place too.
love,
Hops
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((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))
You are moving forward!!!!!! When I had severe anxiety, it took amny small steps to move out of it. Just the act of making the plan with your friend is HUGE. You can't expect it all to go away suddenly. It will take time, but you have become so strong and so knowledgeable. Kisses to your son.
Love, Beth
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I know that medication for anxiety helped me so much...do you have anything?
I started a medication about a month ago. With it I have been able to face some of the source of my anxiety. I already am able to go days without it. I am definitely improving - down to an 8 from 10 on a scale of 10. I like to view it as an old habit, deeply ingrained in my brain processes that I am rewriting one step at a time. To have made clear progress in 6-8 weeks on a problem that has been intrenched for decades is great. Nonetheless I still find part of the healing process is to write about it and get it out on the table. There I can poke it and prod it and dissect it to learn more about what it is so I can plan my attack.
Come back soon, tell us, how was church? Did you find a good space for yourself? I know the crowds are hard, that was always very true for me in the grip of anxiety...a near claustrophobia.
I didn't get to church but I did go in the afternoon to my sons Lessons and Carols school performance at church. He goes to a church school and their annual Lessons and Carols is a marvelous event. I used to go to hear my nephews perform and now it is my son's turn. I found the crown comforting. I let the man's beautiful voice behind me soak in and feel like warmth enveloping me. I used it as a time to let the anxiety drip slowly off and leave it on the floor of the catherdral and let God's healing enter in. It felt good and warm. I let my childhood experiences, which were anxiety provoking because my father would cause some row and be angry at something and take it out on us, fall away. I let my young adult experiences, which were filled with profound saddness of failure and loss and loneliness, drip away and be replace by the sentiments of this day - warmth and comfort.
This is how I hope to replace that old stuff.
I worked on that same principle as I prepared for my son's party. As I became anxious about an aspect of the party I simply held it in my mind and sort of gave it over to be solved. For instance, I had a pinata and planned to have it opened by pulling ribbons rather than beaten with a stick. Friday night before the party I still wasn't sure how I was going to prepare it or where I was going to hang it. I was quite anxious about it. So I decided to sit quietly and just focus on the pinata - not my concerns about it but on the pinata itself. After 3 or 4 minutes I turned the next things and soon afterward went to bed. When I got up the next morning I knew exactly how to handle the issue and when it was prepared I started looking for the place to hang it and immediately found just the right spot.
I have read about this technique over and over in a myriad of situations. I am going to commit myself to following through on this in more situations. It was a great help.
So much of my anxiety comes from a powerful sense of inadequacy that was instilled in my at a very early age by my parents. They projected their own sense of inadequacy right on me and I took it on. Because I have a strong personallity and many strengths I hadn't a clue that I felt inadequate but I have asked in prayer for a couple of years to identify what has been at he source of my pain and I finally got the answer and boy did it fit!!! And a HUGE portion of this inadequacy has to do with financial matters. I must address this issue - it has a strangle hold on me.
((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))
You are moving forward!!!!!! When I had severe anxiety, it took amny small steps to move out of it. Just the act of making the plan with your friend is HUGE. You can't expect it all
Thanks so much grattitude -
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Your last post, GS, was a real help to me. I am using your method already this a.m. and am feeling calmer. I feel like I have had some "problem solving" breakthru's as well. Thanks for sharing that.
CB
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GS,
You sound so much like I did during my anxious period. As I said, I know it was a good 6 months of little steps before things started being easier. First it was doing one little thing I didn't want to do... then maybe two... Forcing myself to go to an appointment. You are so smart to focus on one task at a time... it makes it so less daunting.
Do you do any sort of relaxation projects???? That was the time I picked up knitting and I think it was good for me. For some reason it relaxed me and I also became quite skilled, which gave me some confidence.
I think you are right... it is that paralyzing lack of confidence. I put myself there with my drinking. But I think I did it on purpose. I needed to dig my way up...
You are doing SO WELL! You sound like a different person!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much for the stories and encouragement and letting me see your growth... And letting me see where I came from so I don't go back... It is so easy sometimes to want to give up the fight. But we are strong!!!
((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))
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This is why I love this board. I come here and read CouldBe123 and Grattitude saying things that I needed to hear as a child and never heard and though I am nearing 50 it warms my soul to hear your encouragement as though I was only 15. I am truly strengthend by you both and by some many here at Voicelessness. This is a priceless community. Here I find what I have needed and lacked my whole life. This place is a true blessing. Oh it may only be cyber space but it is so real and the love I experience here is so real. And talk about unconditional. Noone here expects anything for one another nothing but love and caring. Four months into being here I still marvel over my experience here and I still give thanks and I know from what happens here that I WILL heal and I WILL begin to function in the way I must and I WILL feel free and happy before too long. Thank you CouldBe123, Grattitude, Hops, WRITE, Jacmac, Pennyplant, ReallyMe, Teartracks, Mudpuppy, Seasons, Seastorm, Stormchild, Penelope, Mum, October, Dragonsamm, Dreamsinger, Sela, Brigid, Moon, Sovereign + Safe, Kelly, and all the others. So often at night, just as I lie down I go over your names in my mind and I give thanks, thanks for this place that is so real and so different. Good night and thank you.
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(((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))
You just amaze me. Your perceptiveness. Your letting go in the cathedral.
Your simply sitting with the pinata and choosing to see it. Really see it, so you cleared away the fear and next morning knew what to do.
You are functioning on a very high level right now, imo. I don't think your anxiety or the $paces where you still have steps to take counteracts that at all. This is high learning and you truly inspire me.
I feel as though I'm watching one of those special runners who has triumphed over such a hard challenge going past me, carrying an olympic torch...
I am CHEERING!
Hops
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Many thanks Hops and Moon. Many thanks - GS
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I often come here when I am struggling as I am today. In the months I have been here I have found this place one that gives me the very things I need for healing: someone to listen so that I have a voice, someone to truly understand, someone who cares and lets me know that.
I am making clear progress that I can actually see but I still have a long way to go and I have much more to dig out. For many, many years I had nightmares of being with my FOO in car or hotel room when I tried to warn them of imminent danger but my warnings were dismissed out of hand. Those nightmares were clear indications of the voicelessness I experienced as a child but I did not leave the experience there, I have carried it forward. Today I am identifying the residuals of that experience so that I can let it go and move on.
Part of what I have carried forward is an entrenched feeling of being left out, rejected. For the first time, this fall, I have come to understand how this feeling has been an expectation that became self-fulfilling. All of this happened on a subconcious level. I was unaware of all of it. For years I heard remedies suggested that essentially amounted to, "Get over it. You are an adult, so you need to function like an adult." That is right to the point but I was blind to what was binding me and though I am the only one who can unbind myself I could not see what had me nor how to get free. I find that compassion and caring are far more helpful to healing than demands curt suggestions. But my life has been short on compassion and encouragement.
One of the reasons I get so much from coming here is that there is compassion here. I am so thankful. I soak it up. The more compassion I get here the more I heal and become functional.
As a child criticism filled the cracks that compassion should have. As an adult my radar scans the airwaves in search of criticsm to fill the cracks made by wounds in my soul. My healing is about changing out that radar so that it searches out compassion to seal those cracks. But because my parents were oozing criticism rather than compassion and because my survival as a child was dependant on them I made the wrong connection between survival and criticism, survival and demands that were impossible and conflicting. These were projections from my own parents wounding. Now I see how they were wounded and at long last I have compassion for their pain. The more compassion I pour out onto them and to the people they were so long ago, the more compassion will pour into my own wounds. And it is compassion that will seal those cracks.
I need help and I was left to fend on my own in very complicated ways. To be included in my family was sort of like survival depending on standing before a firing squad and praying for misfires. I survived that firing squad but not without substantial wounds. Wounds that I am just now strong enough to begin digging the bullets out of and start the healing.
I am definitely stronger now, strong enough to look at my part in my pain. Strong enough to forgive and absolve my parents and brothers for parts that came to them the same way my pain came to me - not consciously. The more compassion I heap onto them the more seeps into my own neediness.
I have always had a sense of compassion but until recently that compassion was intertwined with a sense of obligation and those two do not mix. Thanks for listening. I simply needed to talk. My pain is raw today But I must remind myself that at long last I have the tools to feel this pain and move forward.
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Thank you Moonlight. Your words are like a sweet salve on a gaping wound. So glad to share this healing with others. Your kindness strengthes me so. - GS
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Oh sweet Gaining Strength, I think of you all too! What a miracle to have a place of love and compassion no one can take away. We are all so different yet so much alike, it reminds of a quilt made by each of us, each fiber so important, so helpful, sewn together with strength, strength and comfort for us all to embrace.
I love our quilt, I need it, I appreciate it, I respect each and every square.
I pass you OUR quilt to keep you warm, safe and most importantly loved.
Cheering you on always.................(seasons)
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Thank you Seasons -
Your words help so much. How well I know you understand. I love the quilt and will wrap myself in it when I am afraid and lonely. - yours - Gaining Strength
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Last night my son and I were invited to a party. I have no decent party clothes and my mother promised me a couple of outfits for Christmas so I went and got some yesterday afternoon before the party. The party was at 7pm and as it approached I began to get uncomfortable and want to go to bed rather than get dresses and go. I realized that the feeling is what is known as "social anxiety". I have been experiencing that for several years - since my husband died.
I used to love to go to parties and socialize but in recent years, though I have loved the invitations, the actual going had become difficult and then gotten to the point that I physically was paralyzed from getting dressed and going. So even though I felt that longing to hide come over me an hour or so before the party the new part is that I overcame it and went and had a wonderful time.
This year, as Christmas season approached I hoped to go to some parties and to my great surprise I have been invited to five or six. In the past couple of years I have been invited to 2 or 3 and always planned to go but backed out at the last minute. I see some healing in this and hope as well. I have been so lonely and yet unable to reach out or to accept what was offered. Noone has been able to understand why, if I am lonely, I don't accept what is offered. I haven't been able to understand - except to know that my wounds have been to great and have swallowed my whole. So finally, I am beginning to crawl out of the deep abyss. My understanding of where I have been and how I came to be there is very good. My understanding of what changes need to take place is also good and I am developing faith that the changes are coming. But I don't understand why the pain is still so great!!
Last night I had horrendous dreams that left me sleepless and disturbed. As I tried to work through the second one I realized they both were dreams of "voicelessness". That word in itself holds healing properties for me. It identifies the source of so much hurt, so much pain and so much rage.
In the first dream my father's second wife had been murdered and I realized that he had done it. I had connected the dots and identified evidence to implicate him. A group of us were having dinner at a fine local restaurant and discussing the murder. When a couple of us revealed our evidence others just dismissed it out of hand. The whole thing was more of a social gossip rather than a criminal investigation. But my evidence was just dismissed. Oddly enough this whole dream had very little emotion attached to it where as the next dream was powerfully emotional.
In the second dream a large group of friends were competing in a contest sort of like "The Amazing Race". We had to find some specific herbs and spices and each person get different assignments. I was really looking forward to this but when I was assigned a spice that I had never heard of I flew into an unconsolable rage. My partner was an attractive man with a winsome personality and an unflagging smile. My anger did not disturb him at all. His assignment required a large cart be pushed through a crowded market. He took me with him, and I railed the whole way. He was undetered and seemed to be waiting out my tantrum as he worked on his assignment. He treated me as though I were being helpful instead of a pain. But he wasn't being solicitous nor patronizing.
When I woke up I really struggled with this dream and the anxiety about the approaching holiday. I have worked through so much of my rage but now I know there is more there to deal with. My experience throughout my life of voicelessness in my FOO and my marriages has wounds still needing healing. My unconscious gave this up to me through my dream.
My partner in the dream did not abandon me inspite of my rage, nor did he try to resolve it, nor did he let it deter him from his work. I would not have to feel guilty about my rage interfering with him nor was I going to feel shame about my rage. It was justified but i was going to have to get past it in order to function. My rage added to the voicelessness. It was caused by it and it added to it.
In my FOO, I was voiceless, my parents projected their shame and incompetence on me, and they put me in double binds. I have worked through much of the first two but I have a long way to go with the double binds. They took the form of criticizing me if I did not do something well while abandoning me or criticizing me if I did do well; of demanding me to do something without giving me the necessary resources to accomplishing the task and then criticizing me for failing. This last one really sums up where I am stuck now. I have know this for several years but had to work through much of the other stuff to get here.
Now that I have begun to function I must deal with this last and biggest one. It is so enormous. but then so were the others. The healing process is painful but I am thankful that I can come here and share it with others. I am willing to face this pain because I DO want to heal, I DO want to be free and I DO want to function.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for letting me have a voice here. - Gaining Strength
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GS,
You are so competent.
Your thinking is competent.
Your birthday-party giving is competent.
Your honesty is competent.
Your awareness is competent.
Your progress is competent.
And your dream analysis is competent!
(I think Dr. G. is an amazing cart-pusher.)
love,
Hops
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Thanks Hops - How dear of you. To be able to write hear and be HEARD is so marvelous. It undoes all that damage from childhood.
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More nightmares of dread and impending doom. A series of dreams in which death was narrowly avoided. For a long time I hated going to sleep because the dreams were so wretched.
I wake in fits trying to resolve these dreams but I can't. I realize that I have to switch from fear to faith but the dread is just so great. I am in so much pain. I wake and can't wait to come here. This is the only place of solace until I can go deep inside and change these dreadful thoughts.
These thougths from my unconscious are so painful. How do I change them?
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This topic has turned from a statement about healing to a plea for a sign of healing.
I am thinking about something that has been haunting me. Most of my life the one person I felt love from was my maternal grandmother. For a long tiime I also thought I felt it from my maternal grandfather but for the last couple of years of his life you was not kind and was often dismissive of me.
After my aunt died this September, through conversations with my other aunt, I finally understood something about these two people whom I loved and whom I felt love from - they did not want to deal with "problems" in their children's lives and that can be include their grandchildren. My grandfather was a prominent lawyer and he was glad to handle any small legal problems. (I could really use him now to straighten out my mess with my husband's debt ridden estate.) But in the past coule of months I have felt the sorrow and alienation from realizing that they were dismissive of problems at home.
Isn't that a parents duty - to help a child negotiate difficulties? Isn't that what friends do or try to do or failing that offer comfort? The pain of being left to fend for myself left me enraged and fearful. The rage has passed but the fear is full blown. I am angry about all this and longing for healing. I'll take suggestions as to how to find the path.
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Hi Gaining Strength…
I struggle with fear too, then after the fear I feel angry, then I feel fear again. It’s like a vicious circle for me. I’ve been working with my T on this issue and have found a method that works for me sometimes. I thought it may be helpful for you too. I talk myself through my fear and become my own soothing parent. I’ll use your fear of going to the party as an example. This would be me talking to myself. When I started feeling fear while dressing for the party, my self talk would sound like this.
I know I would like to attend this party, and I acknowledge that I’m feeling fearful right now. Maybe I’ll just lay out the clothes I would wear if I were going. Here’s an outfit. This would look nice. Now, I’m feeling fearful, but if I weren’t feeling fearful, I would probably be excited about dressing for the party. Maybe I’ll just get dressed for the party. Dressing for the party doesn’t mean I have to go to the party. In fact, if I don’t go to the party, that would be just fine. Right now I’m working on fear issue. So I’m going to practice going getting dressed for the party even though I may not go.
Okay, I’m dressed now and I look nice. I’ve practiced getting dressed for the party. If I were going to the party, I would get the directions to the house. I’ll do that. Even though I know I don’t have to go to the party, I’ll practice just as though I’m not feeling the fear. I’m feeling a little thirsty. An ice cold coke would taste nice now. My mouth always gets dry when I’m feeling fearful, and that’s okay. I think I’ll relax and drink my coke while thinking about the directions to the house.
Still practicing overcoming my fear. I’m going to the car now. I’m going to drive to the party. I know I don’t have to go in once I get there, I can change my mind, but I’ll drive there just in case I decide I would like to go in.. etc. etc. etc
This method has been helpful to me because it always gives me the choice. When the time for the party comes, I may or may not attend, but the rule I give myself is that even if I don’t feel strong enough to go in, I have practiced healthy self talk that may make me strong enough to go in once I’m there. If I don’t feel strong enough, I would tell myself that I did a good job working on my fear issue, then go out and celebrate by buying an ice cream or something that would feel safer for me. The good thing about this method is that as long as you are concentrating on being your own soothing parent, your making progress because you can’t tell yourself 2 things at once, and while you are thinking positive, the negative fear self talk doesn’t have a chance to take over. Sometimes when I am doing this I will still think a fearful thought, but I give myself permission to think that while still being soothing. Okay, you heard that old tape again, but it’s just a tape, and write now I’m rerecording etc. etc.
((((((GS))))))
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mountainspring,
Thank you so much for sharing this. It seems like you are doing cognitive therapy here and I'm proud of you for it! This is very much how I counsel people whom I mentor...it's the "one step at a time" approach.
After I realized that I had lost Jodi probably forever (in spite of all her promises of "God tells me when you need me and I will always be there for you when you do...I will never be too far"), I had to get to a place where I wasn't waiting for those phone calls from her everytime my phone rang...where I wasn't upset every time I looked at a picture of her...you get my drift I think...
the way I did this was through self-talk and journalling. I would write WHAT IS THE FEELING, WHEN DID I FEEL IT, WHAT DID I WANT TO DO ABOUT IT, WHAT DID I END UP DOING ABOUT IT. I began through doing this, to notice certain patterns in me. After a while, I was able to not ACT on what I WANTED to do, but rather, I'd make other choices based on something I'd divert myself with. It works really well, similar to what you describe.
I still find myself missing talking to Jodi, but I know that it would just be more of the same...convo centered around her and disregarding my own SELF.
Just thought I'd share.
~RM
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RM… I’ve done journaling too and still do sometimes. Journaling helped me to sort out my thoughts. The neat thing about it is that if you keep a journal, as the months go by you can reread earlier parts and see the progress you’ve made and the things that still need to be worked on. At least it’s been that way for me.
Have you tried journaling GS?
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Mountainspring - I thinik I can do this process. In fact I'm going to try it right now with exercise. I hope I can make some progress with this. I know I must find a way to rewrite these deep seeded tapes of fear and criticism.
I have not been journaling lately though it has been suggested quite often. I am finding that writing here has been easier for me. perhaps that is because it responds to that terrible pain of voicelessness. I did journal for many years but I found what I wrote to be too painful so now sometimes I think of myself as "journaling" here. Here I feel surrounded by others, journalling I feel so lonely, so alone in my pain.
CB123 - thanks for your post. It is so helpful to not be alone. Though my pain is not new and I am dealing with residual pain it feels as strong as it did when fresh.
I am amazed by your courage of being at the same party with your husband. How remarkable that you could be present at the party and not be leveled by his glowering. That is very positive.
How comforting to come back and finding your responses. It really helps me feel connected to the world. It is a precious, healing blessing. - GS :?
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((((((Moonlight)))))) I didn't see anything that you wrote that would upset anyone. I hope you're doing okay and that Mr. Moon and your Moonlets are doing well too.
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Hi Moon,
I’m glad you and your family are doing well and hope the situation with your loved one works out for you. Thanks for asking about Mammaw. She slept most of the day yesterday and a good part of today, but she is in her chair now embroidering a square for her quilt, so this is progess!
Hugs to you
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MS,
What a lovely thing to think about, you peaceful with Mamaw working on her quilt.
Thanks.
And how are you doing, yourself? Haven't heard much from you lately, but I remember you were freeing yourself and growing and healing... I hope you're doing wonderfully.
Just catch us up if you'd like to.
Good to hear your voice!
Hops
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RM,
I am glad for you, that you are free from the spell of a gravely disordered person with way too much power.
You ARE free. There are so many who are not.
There's nothing she has, no secrets she holds, that you need.
I think you are way past all that cycling manipulation.
Good for you. I'm glad you're out of there.
The healing you're building for yourself, in your own life and with your own mind, is more real, imo.
Hops
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Thanks Hops... I just posted. I've been wanting to for a while and tonight felt like the right time to do it. Good to hear your voice too.
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Today I have found a place of healing again. This is a cycle I have become familiar with. The pain increases significantly for several days before I understand what splinter of wounding is working its way to the surface. So again today I awake in excruciating pain but today the splinter is revealed. It is revealed but I cannot quite get it out.
This splinter is about "not being enough". It is one of the biggest wounds. I have no idea if it is really preenting itself to be extricated. That seems too good to be true. I certainly am ready for it to go. I have felt that it is the great source of my anxiety and my being stuck. I notice some apprehension about extracting this splinter - as though if it comes out and there is still more then I have no where else to go. But that is absolutely crazy. If it comes out and there is still more then I can work on that.
I have to be sure that I don't get stuck here. "Being not enough" is a terrible place to live. It infects absolutely every thing in life. I am ready to extract this piece. It was hidden behind a false confidence for most of my life. Then in my late 20s early 30s when my life began to fall apart this fear took over everything. I am ready for it to go and I will be able to deal with what ever is left behind.
I am going to start by talking against this feeling - using affirmations about being enough. I'll take any other suggestions. Thanks. - GS
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GS,
It is safe to greet yourself in the mirror, to say simply "I am enough."
It is safe to do that often.
It is safe to see what happens.
love,
Hops
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Thanks CB123, Moonlight and Hops -
It is so miraculous to post here and find gifts from beyond sent back in reply. And such wonderful gifts they are. I read your responses first thing this morning and went upstairs to get dressed. As I did, I realized several things and one especialliy important - to keep my focus on how much healing I have achieved.
Moonlight, you are so right - the "not enough" message was exactly how my parents felt and still feel about themselves. I took it on and I know I can let it go. CB123 - you are right as well - it- And Hops your post opened up a memory from my early 30s when I had returned to college. Through Student Health, I ended up seeing a psychiatrist who was finishing up her studies. I was making
A-'s and B+'s but was very frustrated by a grade in one particular class. She told me that I should tell myself that the B was good enough and I remember being enraged thinking that she would never have thought a B was good enough because she wouldn't have gotten where she was. But that issue of being good enough is far more comlicated than that and I didn't quite get it then and your post tells me I haven't quite gotten it yet but I am getting closer. What I heard from her was that I was mediocre and that I should settle for that. But that is not what being "good enough" is about. When I am "good enough" I will be able to function on my best level. Actually that is when I FEEL "good enough". So I am going to look in that mirror and try that - It is amazing how reluctant I am. I did look in the mirror this morning and I couldn't quite say it. I'm going to try.
Thanks to you all. - GS
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It's when "good enough" doesn't feel like a C or B...
or A.
It just feels GOOD.
Please keep trying it, let us know....
((((GS))))
Hops