Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: seasons on December 11, 2006, 09:06:46 AM
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Seasons - I understand so fully where you are. I am also dealing with fear and anticipation. I finally got a label for mine - anxiety. I have been posting about my anxiety for several weeks. What surprises me most is that not more people with Ns in their lives have this fear. I have lived with this my entire life but only got a name for it recently. I have begun to address my fears and they have begun to lessen.
I am using a technique I have read about in several books written by psychiatrists and psychologists. First I Name the fear. This may simple or it may be a stretch (some of my fears were not so obvious because they hid below the surface.) Then I identify it as False. It is not about something happening now it is a bout something from long ago. And then I replace it with something new. Something as simple as I no longer have that fear.
This process has been very helpful. The more I practise it the better it gets and the more success I have.
I found a site www.anxietyzone.com. But I don't find it nearly as helpful as this one. But the fears that we experience as children do not just go away, the submerge into our subconscious and raise their heads again in stronge places. My finally, after several life altering disasters in a row, rendered me emotionally paralyzed to the point of complete disfunction - unable to work, to socialize, to care for my house. But Now I am battling back step by step and in a few short weeks I see a clear difference. This morning as I battled insignificant, irrational fears I just told them that I was getting stronger and that they would not be with me long and that was a great boost.
You can do this and are already on your way. The proof is revealed in that story about your response to your daughter saying, "I didn't MAKE you." You got it because you are gaining strength and are open to moving forward. Take courage and confidence from the small things and build on them. Keep a small notebook and write these small things down. Let go of comparing them to the fears and the size of the fears. You concentrate on building on the small strengths and gradually they will grow and grow until they are more abundant and more powerful than the fears. Keep focus on each and every time you get past a fear or replace a fear. They you will begin to see real changes and you will flourish.
Thank you so much for posting. To know someone else is struggling with fear as well is a tremendous gift. Let's get through it together. - your friend - Gaining Strength
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Good Morning Seasons:
It sounds awful to be living with such fear and anxiety so much of the time. Not nice for you at all. It's also totally understandable how that came about (a learned response due to traumatic childhood experiences, I bet. How horrible that must have been, ((((((Seasons)))))), so sorry you had to live through all that and more, I bet).
I'm certainly no expert but my gut tells me you need to change the picture you have of yourself in your head.
I live in fear and flight.......I don't feel safe in my own mind and body....... I make myself an easy target to be manipulated.....
These words paint a clear picture about how you see yourself and feel. You have totally legitimate reasons for thinking this way and feeling like this, however, I don't think it's making you very happy (??) or it is conductive to the kind of you you seem to desire. Therefore, my question to you is:
How badly do you want to change from feeling like a frightened, anxious person and from thinking about yourself as incompitent and helpless to someone who does not let fear rule and believes they do not have to?
The reason I ask is because you have to want this change very, very badly and be willing to invest much time and effort in order to achieve your goal (but the good news is........you can absolutely do it, I truly believe, and it gets easiers as time passes!).
Maybe, to start, you could try doing an excercise such as the one October posted in the thread: "Angelic Intervention". You could imagine a strong, brave protector by your side, you could place the scared, lost you in one end of the golden figure 8 and the you you want to work toward becoming in the other. If you don't believe in angels then imagine superman or any similar, good, powerful image. Here's the link:
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=3575.0 (http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=3575.0)
The thing is.......it will take a very determined Seasons to make this great and wonderful change! So pat yourself in the back because you've survived this far, no small accomplishment. Also, you have bravely and honestly layed out your thoughts and feelings here which prooves beyond a shaddow of a doubt that you are not only quite capable of putting fear on the back burner but have done so (I bet more than this one time too eh?). :D So count up those times too.....make a list! Pay attention to when you have done things the way you wanted to!!
Ofcourse, it will take time and much repitition but I just have a hunch that you, Seasons, are not condemned to live in fear. You have the power within yourself to save yourself from such a final fate. You seem much stronger than you yourself believe.
If you work on changing the way you think about yourself.........the way you feel about yourself will be effected. Hopefully, in a good way. It's worked for lot's of people and it sure can't hurt. Patience is the key. It took time to learn to view yourself the way you do and it will take time to change that view. What do you think? Worth a try?
Sela
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I need to give him coping skills, but I dont know if I have them to give.
CB123 - you do have them to give him. You aren't confident that you do but you do. I have seen it in your posts. Your confidence has been shredded but it will come back to you in spades very soon because you are making extraordinarily good judgements under that most horrendous of circumstances. You said it yourself - your son will have more that you had. That is something!!
When he is gone, keep him in your heart and mentally send him strength and courage. Arrange phone calls when he will feel comfortable talking - when his father is away. Just let him know that you are there for him. Teach him to count down the days to try to forgive his father. Forgiveness is a powerful deflector. Thought,"What you are doing is cruel and inhumane but I forgive you because I refuse to harbor hatred in my heart. I refuse to let someone llike you rule my heart." Tell him that a specific time each night that the rest of you will gather to hold him in your hearts. That can be an amazing strengthening gift, to know that the people you love are gathered in you name thinking a praying for you.
Send love and let go of your fear to the degree possible. - your friend - Gaining Strength
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((seasons)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I lived most of my life this way figuring out what others wanted telling others what they wanted to hear with very little emotional support .
So what helped me was I just had to live in the truth move into it.
Sela has a good idea allowing yourself to give yourself protection.I just started to feel that way for myself .I allowed it it was more than mentally it was in my heart I finally saw others were not better and more worthy than me.
I am sure with all the beauty in your heart you will find the safety that is not a place to escape too but a "place" in your heart that is always there .How super your daughter has her lovely voice good job you are a good mom that's a lot to feel good about start there and allow yourself to feel that positive ego.........
so much love to you
and blessings
moonlight
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((((((((((((Seasons)))))))))))))
You are not your life experience. You are not the sum of what has happened to you in this world. You are not the story, nor are you your emotions relative to that story. You are seperate from that. YOU are perfect. Right now, as raw and open as you might feel....you are just exactly where you need to be, doing what you need to do.
You have decided that you don't want to live the way you have been.
You put out to the universe, to the collective spirit, that you want freedom from that. And you have recieved a response, that hopefully has sparked your confidence to seek more.
This may seem like a very small step, but it is huge. It's your first step on your CHOSEN path. YOU get to choose it, not your past, not the cruelties of your life, but YOU.
Your path is blessed, by all who have woken up, and wanted more, and sought help and support...it's a beautiful choice, to choose YOUR life instead of what others have decided your life should be.
Keep on feeling what it's like to have that life, that freedom from fear that you want. Keep gratitude in your heart for every second or moment you feel that, or see it in your own child, as you noted. You were able to inspire that in her, you know. She learned it from you, despite your not feeling it for yourself. This is testiment alone, to the power of love and goodness that works and runs through all of us.
I have no doubt you have opened an enormous door....keep on walking through.
Mum
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Seasons
I always feel I cannot adequately express my gratitude and appreciation for all your help.
When I am grateful for a kindness there are no words adequate to express my feelings but I have learned here that when I give by responding I am also receiving much and when I receive support here I know that I am also giving. That's how it works here - not like in some of our families where "thank you" was never enough. It is here because we are helping each other in both giving and receiving. I have learned that here and have been able to take it out into the world. Now, though "Thank you" doesn't adequately express my feelings at last it is enough. I hope it will become that for you too.
CouldBe123
I told him to think of us, thinking of him, every night at 8 p.m. Big smile from him!
Wow. That is such a gift. Isn't it amazing what support we can offer one another even from afar. I am so deeply touched by this. Thanks for sharing. I'm going to keep you all in my thoughts at 8PM - which time zone? - GS
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seasons,
I will read more of the thread as I have time. You initial post breaks my heart and I just wanted to give you a hug and say that it will be alright and you can say whatever you want to say now and be whoever you are now. Little seasons is still in there though. That might be why the desire to flee is still so strong.
((((((((seasons)))))))))))
Pennyplant
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Seasons ,
I am so glad for you these break throughs maybe not even recognized by other's that take a loving nature as weakness but who cares ........who cares????????
The victory is yours bravo bravo GENTLE STRENGTH and GOODNESS wins out.....
lives in you heart and it goes with you ....................................................
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((seasons)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
TOO COOL 8)
Moonlight
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Yup, you got it, Seasons. Welcome to YOUR life!!!
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Hiya Seasons:
Thankyou for taking the time to write back to me and for calling my heart generous. I get the feeling you have a very generous heart too.
I find fear a facinating emotion (when it doesn't scare the living tar outta me, that is :roll:). Thing is, it is the one emotion that I keep thinking is often behind so many other emotions. I don't know. It's just a kind of theory I have. For instance:
I treat myself like I owe the world my soul, repayment for existing. I must not feel I am decent or good deep in my heart I act otherwise.
I think what you're saying is that your behaviour directly conflicts with what you think or believe about yourself (that you are a decent human being with some flaws). Could fear be blocking you from matching your actions to your thoughts and beliefs? Fear of.....again.....rejection? What if you were to act as if you believe you really are a decent human being with some flaws, like most people, and as if you are deserving of basic respect? Picture in your mind what that would be like and see if any fears might surface? You can choose how you act (sounds so simple eh? I know it's not. It is, however, the ideas, the thoughts, the beliefs that are planted and practiced that will help dispell so many fears (or allow those fears to thrive and work on paralyzing each of us :shock: ) and those same thoughts/beliefs effect how we act, I think.
I pledge to work through this with every fiber of my body. I pledge to survive to exist in peace with myself. I can count on me.
This is wonderful! Repeat. Repeat. Repeat!! Lot's of times per day. Especially in morning and just before falling asleep. Here's a cool site that sure seems like it has some useful info on this topic. It's a lot of work though. That seems really clear. However, if you break it down into small parts and set short term goals, I bet you'll be feeling much better before you know it!!
http://www.coping.org/growth/fears.htm (http://www.coping.org/growth/fears.htm)
One thing I wonder about is going after your biggest fear first?? Logic tells me to start small and reap the benefits of success before going for the big stuff but maybe there's a better reason for doing it from the top of the list down?? I don't know. I haven't read everything there so maybe that's explained some place?
I just had a thought, I love to play dead mans float in the water. I could do it all day. I love the weightlessness, the sound of the water, the feeling of my body so relaxed it floats!
This vision sounds like a useful tool for you. You could find a comfy spot and do your best to relax your body, then spend some time imagining yourself floating in water with all the sounds and feelings that you enjoy. It's like nourishment for your psyche. It will never hurt to practice a relaxation technique (unless you spend so much time doing it that it interferes in your life or something) but for say.....15 to 30 min per day? This could really be a big help I betcha. If you do it often enough, it will become second nature and you'll be able to bring this image up to the front of your mind when you most need to, such as in times of stress or when fears start to imobilize you.
One thing listed on the above link about fears.....that they:
Exist in the furthest reaches of the mind
I believe fully and with deep conviction. I think we are not always aware of our fears and that fear can be hiding in those deep recesses, having an effect, without us even realizing it. That's why I think it's so important to get in touch with those "furthest reaches", which are sometimes called: the subconscious. The way to do that is to practice relaxation and visualization (such as the floating exercise above) and once you feel completely relaxed both physically and mentally....you begin to make suggestions, silently, to yourself, such as:
"I will overcome my fears"
"I will act confident and ignor unreasonable fears"
Etc.(It is suggested not to use negative suggestions such as: "I will not do such and such". For some reason, positive ideas sink in quicker and are much more powerful.) This is a big part of "teaching" one's brain to think "healthy" (one might say?). Think of all the nasty crap people said to or about you or all the bullying or all the mean words spoken by family or others and over how long a period? No wonder your brain absorbed some of it. This is the way to reprogram, sort of, and even do a good house cleaning, so to speak. It has worked for a lot of people.
It does, however, take time, patience and determination. I bet you can do it, Seasons, and will be much happier for the effort. I'm rootin' for ya!!
((((((Seasons)))))) (((((((you too CB)))))))
:D Sela
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Hi CB:
I mistakenly hugged the wrong person in my post above (wrong being......not the person who was quoted). I do apologize. I will try to pay more attention next time.
Sela
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Sela,
That's okay! I'll take all the hugs I can get! :)
CB
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Thanks CB. I modified my post so now the correct person (you) is the one I sent a hug to. Glad you take all the hugs you can get! They're a good thing to collect eh?
Now there's a lovely vision.............a collection of hugs! All lined up, warm and inviting.....
:D Sela
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Hi guys,
I just have a sec but wanted to send a general big fuzzy hug (well, I'm wearing a fuzzy sweater) and tell y'all that I'm having big computer problems at home so may not be able to post for a while. Feeling fine and doing well and will hop (hah) back on asap.
Other thing is I heard affirmations should always be stated in the present tense:
I am whole and safe. (not "I will be whole and safe") for example....
Hops