Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on December 21, 2006, 02:20:19 PM
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2006 has been a difficult but good year. I have moved forward through depression and anxiety that has plagued me most of my life and paralyzed me for 5 or so years. I am heading into the new year with hope for the future - real hope this time.
Specifically this year I hope that I can reclaim my house and sell it moving to a neighborhood overflowing with children for my little son. And I hope I can get my business started and have an income at last. And I hope I can address my tax and insurance problems - my financial mess - get a plan and get started on it.
These are my hopes for the new year. What are yours? - Gaining Strength
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It is wonderful to see that sense of calm and losing the anxiety GS- I am so pleased for your renewed hopefulness and growing health and strength (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think you all know my not-so-secret desire for 2007 to meet someone as a partner and make a good relationship together; but I also know that can't come to order so I also wish to continue making a good life regeardless, to steer my son through his pre-teen moods, and for a giant dose of patience to keep supporting and loving N ex whatever moods he is having!
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My hope for the New Year is to grow and know that I am worth so much more than an abusive relationship.
axa
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I hope I find a funny affectionate smart boyfriend.
Hops
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Then again...
I try (usually) NOT to make NY Resolutions, or even think of hopes, as it sets me up for failure and disappointment.
Hops
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Hops - I can't believe these words came out of your mouth!!! "as it sets me up for failure and disappointment." You who are the beacon of encouragement, always the bearer of good tidings and finding the positive in the haystack of negativism and disappointment. Say it ain't so!!!
I'm going to disregard your last post and replace it twenty-fold with your original - "I hope I find a funny affectionate smart boyfriend."
That's the message I'm holding in thought for you. My new motto is, "You have to believe in order to receive."
Repeat after me, "You have to believe in order to receive." Once again, come on, repeat again, "You have to believe in order to receive." That's it. Now see that funny, affectionate, smart, boyfriend in your mind. Oh there he is just waiting for you to believe. If you don't believe you won't recognize him when he is standing right in front of your nose.
your friend and longing to be a fellow ENCOURAGER - Gaining Strength - I really am!!
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GS, I know you are, and you do! (((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))
I just am not sure I believe that in concentrating on a future manifestation of anything, I'll help it come about. I do wish I had a partner but I don't want to focus on it. Maybe that's why I backpedaled.
Unless the next few minutes or the next morning counts. Where my paralysis kicks in is in daydreaming, and not dealing or doing...anything in the present.
I did get a huge logjam of some paperwork done! And more to go, but I have 3 days off now.
Thanks for your sweet response, dear GS. Your support is so lovely for me.
hugs,
Hops
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I just am not sure I believe that in concentrating on a future manifestation of anything, I'll help it come about.
Okay, I get it. Your crystal ball has a crack in it. Well that's okay, I don't have a crystal ball but I'm still going to believe on your behalf if you don't mind. Why not throw caution to the wind and just dream? Forget about the H word (hope not hop). I guess you could become Hope-along. LOL
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not sure I believe that in concentrating on a future manifestation of anything, I'll help it come about
yeah, I don't think it's like a magic talisman or anything but it's like say if you want to attract more wealth into your life or a new career, give things away- your work time and money; if you want anything find a way to put your love and passion out there and it seems to work as a magnet somehow....
In a book I read by Barbara De Angelis she said make a list of attributes a partner must have for you- not only do I find that focussed me and helps me not do that mooning daydream tune out things I should be paying attention to (!) but the first thing happened was a couple of things jumped off the page which I needed to address for myself if I wasn't going to have double standards!
You will meet someone Hops, and a very lucky guy he will be too.
Merry Christmas everyone, much love and good things in 2007!!!!!!!!
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GS, you're such a love.
I'm still going to believe on your behalf if you don't mind.
Mind? :oops: :? :D I'm very touched. And I know from experience you got great vibes!!!!!!!
Funny...if you believe I'll find someone to hold and love, I'm more inclined to believe it's possible.
Thank you.
As to why not dream...the truthful answer is that I need to act. Been dreaming a loooooong time.
Hi Write, Merry Christmas and peaceful happy new year to you too! I hope you have a mellow day tomorrow.
Thanks for inviting me to think about my list of attributes in an ideal mate. This is practice:
1. Funny. I would melt at the ankles for a man who takes pleasure in making me laugh. I have a few decades' worth of laughter stored up. If he delights in sneaking up on my funnybone, I'd be in bliss.
2. Honest. (This used to come before funny, then there was menopause.) I want him to never be brutally honest, but always ethically honest with me, if you know what I mean. And it ain't a euphemism for being critical of me "in the name of honesty." Just to be a guy who voluntarily and comfortably shares his basic truths with me. At the same time, he needs to tell me my cellulitey ass is lovely.
3. Kind. Not kind as in charitable, but kind as in really warm hearted. Really able to see me as beloved, warts and all, because his good heart is the lens he looks through, not the current culture.
4. Intelligent. Not sarcastic or cynical but definitely very sharp and keen observer of life, and enjoys...
5. Conversational. I'd love to be with someone who just naturally enjoys communicating and talking and sharing observations and daily thoughts and stories and such.
6. Curious. Don't need a mountain climber but someone who likes travel whether it's around a new corner or a new country. And who's as curious about new individual people as about culture.
7. Tolerant. Someone who is not judgmental and hostile toward people who are different, but who genuinely loves the diversity of planet earth and its people.
8. Likes animals and plants.
That'd do. Oh, forgot to say...
9. Health-minded. Basic good habits, no addictions, appreciation of wholesome food and exercise (but not obsessed with it all).
10. This is a wish, not a requirement: would go to church with me now and then.
That was fun to write. Thanks, Write.
love,
Hops
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This has been such a difficult christmas somehow- warding off illness, coping with my son and ex.
So it's a joy to come back and read your attribute list and focus way out on the future instead of the introspection which is currently driving me crazy as I am trying to monitor myself and keep my mania in check....it's the rapid-cycling thing too so it's alternating with strong depression. But somehow I am hanging in there. It's the best I have been at my worst for a long time ( if that makes sense )
I'd like a guy who will go to my church and I his, in fact I wouldn't be interested in someone who wouldn't I don't think.
Well, my five minutes computer time is up, I am going home to nestle down with a book if I can concentrate or out to swim if I can't...oh yes, I have a therepeutic activity for every mood stage now!
Almost got thumped at work by someone psychotic today, the manager said 'oh I think she's harmless'....I thought trust me- I know she's not, I can sense unexploded aggression from behind a wall these days.
he needs to tell me my cellulitey ass is lovely.
:lol:
Hope everyone got through yesterday and today okay. Can't wait to begin the new year.
~W
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Write
I loved your post--I definitely got your comment about being the best you'd ever been at your worst. I'm living in that world these days with my son.
I'd love to hear about your different therapeutic activities for every mood. We are open to every new idea we can get for handling moods. Right now, he is heavily medicated, but he will have to have less meds at some point or he won't be able to get back to life. Any ideas that you have for coping would be much appreciated.
CB
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My Hope for the new year is in motion
To finally engage in positive attachments
I finally have walked into the next phase of understanding life and living here and now in true honesty.
Write I do understand the different moods everyone experience's them
Mine have always been fear and sadness Fear is conquered
Members of foo would speak with me and I would still seem the same to them I am sure but I am not.
CB I am so glad about your son and for him to have a parent that cares and loves him so very dearly is the best thing for any child facing mental health issues.
I do admire your loving steadfastness but of course that is what a kind parent does.....
I have good will to all and that is such a good feeling to hold in one's heart.
love to you and so much more
I have learned so much 8)
thank you
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(((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))
What a great thread :)
Like you, I have learned a lot this year and in knowing that I am not 100% at fault for everything in my life and that I am not the "weird black sheep" I always believed I was, I am starting to feel happier with myself.
I've also realized how much I love my husband, which really scares me. I feel very defensive about it, especially as he is handsome and now he's this workout stud... oh, Hops, I hope he likes my celulitey butt when he gets home.
Soooo.... one of the hugest things on my list this year is to learn to eat when I am hungry... to follow write's wise examples here... to get a moderate exercise program firmly underway (no, I don't have to be Carl Johnson to start working out a bit...). I think that is my biggest goal. I need to feel comfortable with myself. I am tired of feeling like the Hunchback's ugly cousin.
((((((((((((((((my firends)))))))))))))) I missed you!!!!!!
Love, Beth
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p.s. Hopsy,
When you meet the right, most awesome guy, you may not even have a clue.
I thought my husband was rather geeky and certainly not the kind of guy I normally liked. He just got under my skin...
Love, Beth
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I hope to take life by the horns rather than running and hiding from what comes my way.
To actively pursue life and its goodness rather than passively fear its darkness.
This will be a tremendous shift. When I accomplish it, I won't even know me. I can't wait!!
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Moonlight,
I hope to be in a similiar place to you.
My hopes are to understand I am loved in the world
To recognise those who love and genuinely care
To understand my resourcefullness
To give with love
to live in a way which is respectful to myself and others
to have the ability to see the goodness which is available to me and to be clear enough to choose this over abuse
to have compassion but clear boundaries
to live in the present moment
to commit to life in its fullest way
to grow and develop healthy ways of being
to understand and work through my addiction to Ns
to take responsiblity for my life
to be grateful for all that I have.
axa
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Hi Axa
Yes I would say your list is so very complete.
I am not addicted to abuse I now recognize it .
It's not something I want for anyone to experience.
No one including the people that abuse .
I just am happy to live and to love Mr moon and moonlets.....
And I do wish everyone healthy attachments.
Love to you and so much more
moonlight
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I'd love to hear about your different therapeutic activities for every mood. We are open to every new idea we can get for handling moods. Right now, he is heavily medicated, but he will have to have less meds at some point or he won't be able to get back to life. Any ideas that you have for coping would be much appreciated.
well whether or not someone has bipolar the healthier they are the better they can manage the moods and bumps of life...
But for a bipolar it is essential to stay focussed on that. All I've done to throw myself out this week is work too hard the week before, eat too many carbs ( definitely mood-altering ) and miss a days swimming!
When the mood wobbles there's a window to do something about it and it's different for each person but eventually it turns into depression or mania and if it worsens then I lose touch and don't take meds/ don't take control.
I never touch alcohol, try to avoid caffeine and stuff like decongestant meds.
A lot of it will be a learning curve for your son and recognising his 'trigger' things which for me are stress lack of sleep pattern and alcohol.
And maturity helps most things, so he will 'forget' or go ahead and do some of this stuff anyway, and it may take him a few times to accept consequences.
It's like managing any illness though- the more strategies you put in place whilst you are well the better it goes when you're sick:
*have a good psych doctor to call on for meds
*gym/pool membership, I have a 24 hour place
*handful of friends/relatives who understand the illness and that one coffee or a beer may well hurt you etc
*therapy for the emotional aspects
*minimum meds- which means behavioural management is crucial
*record keeping: some people record their moods, some journal, some write out anxieties or plans...it's a useful tool for keeping focussed
*sleep. If all else fails medicate sleep and take to bed for 24-48 hours. This has never failed for me, though it took me years to accept it because when you're manic it's the last thing you want to do, sleep it off, but you're also exhausted so it's necessary to recover.
My concentration's not 100 % so I missed a few things I am sure, it's great to see you learning how best to help your son and as I said before you'll be amazed at some of the positive stuff comes from the illness once the negative is in balance.
Balance is the key word with bipolar.
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Write, Your description of what is needed to live with Bipolar is great .
This combined with CB'S love for her son .Just takes my breath away.
Some parents of children with Bipolar deny it's true unless they could use it to there advantage that would be sad if a bipolar person
did not have a caring parent but one that was only concerned with their own image.
I am so heartened to see CB caring love and how CB is there for her child that needs her.....
a kind loving parent doing all to help there child is so lovely.
Just a year ago I was caring for my very injured child she knows how much I care .......And thank goodness she is 100% OK
N's do not get the concept of parent -child they believe the children should always be caring for the parent.
Such a thing I have never done to my children or physically abusing them no excuse for this no debate .
and this is a good thing
moonlight
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I hope for the new year, I can learn to trust and attract healthier(emotionally/mentally) people. :(
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Hey Cal ,
How to attract healthy relationships
yes this is so important do not look at labels but look to what they do.
Learn how to spot abuse and abusive behavior.
peace and love , :D
moon
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Hey Cal ,
How to attract healthy relationships
yes this is so important do not look at labels but look to what they do.
Learn how to spot abuse and abusive behavior.
peace and love , :D
moon
Here lately, most of the people I meet, they seem ok for awhile, then they start acting crazy (crazy meaning they start showing signs of toxic behavior). I sometimes feel as though maybe I'm so flawed that I deserve being abused.
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Hi Calauria .
Can you tell me what behaviors the toxic people in your life have taught you?
Everyone is flawed that does not mean they do not demonstrate love kindness .
Do you have certain people you know are toxic in your life?
m
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Hi Calauria .
Can you tell me what behaviors the toxic people in your life have taught you?
Everyone is flawed that does not mean they do not demonstrate love kindness .
Do you have certain people you know are toxic in your life?
m
I'll try to make this short. I was abused by my parents and a lot of other family members. When I started school, I was bullied, because my sister and I were the only 2 black kids at our school. When we changed schools and were around more blacks, I was bullied because I didn't act black enough. I was also abused by teachers and babysisters. Had tons of toxic friendships and most of my boyfriends were abusive. All I know is that most of my life people have been pointing out things that are wrong with me. I have gotten a few compliments, but mostly I'm criticized a lot, so I learned to believe that maybe I deserve being abused for being so flawed.
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Hey Cal,
I understand the put down's being bullied all the abusive behavior you do regonize... this that is good.
What matters is how you feel about yourself.
As children we all need kind words and love if this does not happen it just takes a little longer to find your way.
Soon you will learn to love yourself more and more
love to you
m
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Calauria, I can identify with some of what you have described here. Especially where you say you may deserve this treatment because of being so flawed. I have believed that almost my entire life. Here, on this board, is where I finally got the tools to work with to stop believing that and start seeing something else in me. The "okayness" of me. It hasn't happened all at once. And it hasn't always been straight forward. But I have learned from the members here. I have gained some tools and some confidence and some better ways of seeing and believing. Now I believe that I was wrong about myself all my life. That I was always okay. And I'm even prepared to let go of the sadness that I wasted so many years believing wrongly about myself.
If I could let go of my very firm belief that I was flawed and deserved the terrible treatment I received, well, then anybody can learn to see the truth about themselves. Truly, I never saw the goodness and beauty in myself. I was sure it was not in me. I was sure that the mean, cruel things people said to me and did to me were the truth. It never occurred to me that so many people could be wrong. But they were. They were wrong about me. And the toxic people in your life are wrong about you. And soon you will realize it for yourself. You have already started to realize. You have already started to do better for yourself and for your children.
You are on your way, Calauria.
Pennyplant
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I sometimes feel as though maybe I'm so flawed that I deserve being abused.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Never. Never. Never. Never.
Keep looking at who you attract. As soon as you recognize the danger signs, gracefully exit the friendship and start again.
Keep analyzing past and present relationships and soon you will begin to see a pattern. And before you know it you will see it before you sign on and then suddenly you will see the RIGHT sort of people to befreind and then you will have resteered yourself onto the right track.
How do you do that? How do you get started? Just keep looking at past and present and analyze them. Imagine the type of relationship you want and imagine what that friendship would be like. It takes practise but it is certainly worth it.
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(((((((((((((((Calauria))))))))))))))))
That's just POO.
You did not deserve to be abused ever in any way. NOT FOR FIVE MINUTES OF YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE!
It was ignorance and fear and some old cycle being acted out on you.
I am so terriblly sorry for what you went through. I am so sorry people around you did not know how to value themselves and showed all that disrespect they felt, by hurting you.
You are beautiful and you deserve love and support and wings.
Your life's not over and you are beginning to change it, right now you are!
Hops