Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: invisible on December 28, 2006, 11:50:02 AM
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Firstly, I want to say thank you to those who listened to me and helped me. You know who you are. So ... thank you.
And then I want to say good bye. I don't like or understand the mind games that I see being played here. Someone is insinuating that I am their girlfriend. Jodi, on the board but sends me private messages to say that she knows I am not this person. It just seems strange to me. And so I have decided to simply leave and make you all happy.
I will be deleting any threads I started except for this one.
May God bless you all and may all of your dreams be fulfilled.
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Don't know what you are referring to but I'm sorry it is going on here. I have so enjoyed talking with you and I have gotten help by listening to you. Thank you. I hope things will go well for you and I hope you can come back in another creation.
your friend - Gaining Strength
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God bless you too invisible. I hope things work out for you and you are able to return soon.
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Invisible
when someone's behavior here confuses you, I find it's most helpful to click on their username anywhere it is underlined on the board. This will take you to their profile, where you can click on the line that says,
Show the last posts of this person.
This will bring up everything they have posted under their username, over the entire history of their account.
if you start at the beginning, which may be the last page depending on the order in which you have posts displayed on your screen, you can see how they started out here, what they said when they first got here, how people responded to them, how they responded back, etc. It gives a very in depth picture of how we have all expressed ourselves, changed, grown.
You may learn some interesting facts about other people here too, at the same time, by tracing their interactions with the person whose posts you are reading.
Now, if someone cancelled their account and then came back later [I did this], you will only get the posts from their new account. Even so, this may give you a sense of what the person is like over time, and that's important - and you can do a search on their username to get the posts from their previous account if they didn't change their name when they came back [I didn't].
I really recommend doing this whenever anyone's behavior confuses you. It will usually help you to see if what they are doing is typical of them, whether they do it to everyone or just a few people and what kind of people they do 'it' to, whether they have grown and faced anything that they might need to face or seem to be 'running a show' here [projecting an image to an audience] and not in recovery at all. Seeing these things is valuable for maintaining perspective and proper compassion [which is totally different from enabling!], while avoiding being 'fooled'... as much as possible, anyway.
I find that misuse of PMs isn't uncommon here - people may send truly strange ones, or they may behave very reasonably in PMs to you, and then tell the most incredible lies about you and your PMs on the board. No surprise. This is a recovery forum, afer all. Everyone here has been injured. Not everyone here will be at the same stage of healing, and because honesty can be very painful, not everyone here will be honest, all the time, either, sometimes not even to themselves.
Simplest solution? Block PMs from people you mistrust. Or if you're fed up enough, block PMs from everybody. You can do that in your profile by clicking on your own username wherever it's underlined.
And I do hope you will stay. You can learn a lot and grow a lot here. I know there are lots and lots of people who just read the posts here - you can learn and grow just doing that, even.
all the best...
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Dear Invisible,
I hope you stay. Maybe change your name or do whatever to feel safe again.
I agree with Gaining Strength. There are some wouded birds here who put out some odd and eccentric behavious. But there are so many more people who are here to help and heal themselves.
I woud miss you.
Sea Storm
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Hi, all!
I am truly not worried that any of this thread is directed at me. I don't think Invisible left on account of me, I havent been offended by any PM's and I dont think that anyone else is mad at me either. For what it's worth! :)
I have a question: are we generally using a definition of narcissism that would encompass only those who are pathological? When we talk about being hurt by our particular N, are we speaking of the pathological sort of N? Or is narcissism, as it is used on the board, a more general term that encompasses garden-variety self-interest that isnt particularly pathological?
The reason I ask is that there has been a lot of discussion and comments lately about narcissists on the board and narcissistic comments and behavior on the part of our friends here. I am not clear any more about what we are talking about. I personally feel so cautious about using the term because it carries such emotional weight among us. I have thought that narcissism and abuse were close to synonymous in our experiences.
Maybe there is a whole PM underground that has this figured out but that I am not aware of. (I'm okay about that, REALLY! I just thought maybe I was missing half of the conversation somehow). If someone could define terms for me, I think it would help.
CB
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CB - I'm in the dark here as well but I use the term narcissism to mean the truly pathalogical. Not sure about anyone else. - GS
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Bean
Do you see how you have taking the chastising N stance? Why are you attacking others? What have this people triggered in you and why?
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Hi GS,
I think that's a valuable reminder. I don't think there'll be common agreement on how to use "the N word" because when people are focused on expressing it'd be likely to shift, understandably, so I don't think there's a "we" usage, just individuals'...
But for what it's worth, it's a valuable thing for me to remember what I mean when I say "N". I think much of the time I mean "a narcissistic person" (and even that can encompass from somewhat to very...) rather than a person with full-blown NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder.
That's why when I used to refer to my mother as "an N" here, I stopped. I realized that she is very narcissistic indeed, but there is not the element of overt abuse, conscious lying, or hatred that seems common in many of the worst parents described here. Once I contemplated it more, I felt it was unfair to her.
My next-to-last-exbf was full-tilt NPD, though, I believe.
Thanks for mentioning the power of the label. It can be confusing when it's a catchall.
Hops
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Just want to make clear that if I have somehow wandered into a flame war, it was unintentional.
Since mine was one of the last posts before this "Amused" character's, I don't want it perceived that I am any part of it. That should probably go without saying, but communication on a board is tricky and sometimes close proximity can give the appearance of agreement.
Words are powerful. Use with care.
CB
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I don't think sea storm or Stormchild were directing any blame at anyone in particular. Their posts certainly didn't suggest any individual to me. They were just trying to help invisible deal with something that had upset her. I thought they went out of their way to avoid any personal insinuations, unless you count sea storms remarks about odd and eccentric behaviors. As one of the oddest and most eccentric here I would like to take this opportunity to say I wasn't offended in the least. 8) :lol:
mud
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I think that one of the best things about this board, is that each person is free to come and go as they choose. Some people post and some don't. Some people take offense and some sit quietly and observe. What is wrong with just "live and let live" for an attitude? I'm good with it :)
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Bean,
Not really. But, that's okay.
CB
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Bean,
I'm interested. But this conversation doesnt feel safe.
I have always particularly enjoyed your posts, so I'm not sure what the edge is that I am picking up in your posts to me. You don't have to explain. Just wanted you to know why I am vacating the thread. We'll pick up somewhere else.
CB
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This thread got me thinking...could it also be the weekend phenomenon?
To newer folks: I could be completely wrong but...previously we've had spats on the board that did seem to get rolling at the start of a weekend, and some people noticed that their irritability or anxiety would peak as the weekend loomed.
Just in case that's useful.
Hops
PS--afterthought: It's a weekend PLUS New Year's Eve coming...potent combo for triggering stuff?
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CB,
I remember being pulled into a similar exchange on this board several months ago and feeling mystified as to what I had said to "deserve" the response I got. I pulled back for awhile. It is part of how I have learned that each person brings something to an exchange or relationship. I learned I'm only half of it. And sometimes not even that much! Sometimes it isn't about me at all.
So, is it something about what a person has said that can trigger someone? Or is it easier to be triggered by someone who is relatively new to a place, or who seems "innocent", that makes it "safer" to say things you might not say to a veteran member? I don't have an answer to my questions. Just things that occurred to me when I was remembering my own not so safe conversation on this board when I was fairly new here. It seemes interesting to me that I was new then and you are new now, CB.
It reminds me also of my childhood when I was often "new" or not quite part of the establishment of the neighbor or classroom. I think I was "easy pickins" partly because of my newness or innocence.
Pennyplant
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I realize now that I'm getting defensive. I've noticed on this board, when that happens, mud, guests with unusual names, and others start to come out of the woodwork. Like ants, who smell a feast!
Bean,
I don't scuttle out of the woodwork when folks simply get defensive. I do occasionally tunnel my way out when that defensiveness takes a turn toward what I consider unfair or inaccurate criticism of others. I suppose what I said could be taken for mild crititcism of what you said but after all....
If we cannot handle constructive criticism here, maybe we are all kidding ourselves?
I certainly had no intention of offending you or causing you to become defensive. I just disagreed with your characterization of what others had said.
Now, as it's a rather chilly morning I'll just chew my way back into the woodwork and wait........
mud
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I think one of the worst N's to ever live who was a dictator is now no longer as he was executed last night... IMHO this man was and some dictators of our time are or were N's. Just an observation on my part to the definition.
Free
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Bean, I addressed my post to CB, not Stormchild.
PP
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Hey Bean,
I think I'll reply here, hope you don't mind but it feels better. I'm sorry it hurt not to be responded to. I can understand that. (((((((Bean))))))))))
I didn't know what to say. I sensed tension building in you and when you mentioned not feeling as good about the board, I think that might have touched on my own anxiety stuff. I'm sensitive to thoughts of abandonment, that's likely why I stepped around your post.
if there's a conflict brewing, I would like not to participate in this one.
That's all. Nothing at all disrespectful in how I feel toward you Bean. It sounds as thougn you have reached a kind of breakthrough in your therapy...that's important!
I think I will read and learn, but not comment much on this thread.
love to you,
Hops
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Hi Bean,
I don't think I said that precisely. But if I did, I did not mean to.
I think it's important not to feel obligated or forced to dialogue in private, away from the board, if one doesn't want to. It can feel unsafe. That can be for FOO reasons having nothing to do with present company, but whatever the reason, it's a boundary thing.
We can decline without being bad people, even if someone's disappointed. We have the right to participate in PMs or not.
(I'm sorry I'm not responding in the way that you'd like right now. I don't think I can.)
Hops
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Dear Invisible,
I am still sad to see you go. I looked back at your contributions and your story and I hope you stay.
Wishing you love and healing in the coming year.
Sea Storm
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bean
You really need to get your panties out of that bunch. And, think before you hit that send button, criticizing and bullying other people here.