Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: axa on December 29, 2006, 05:16:14 AM
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Last night I fell asleep in front of tv. Was woken by telephone ringing, it struck terror in my heart. Turned out is was a friend. Went to bed and the nightmares began. Dreaming about Xn AGAIN. In my dreams I was looking for him, would see him at a distance. Once I got close he would be gone again. I feel so shakey right now. Quite scared and unsure of everything. I feel like I have lost my ground again. I was so pleased that I was doing so well but now I find myself negotiating stuff in my head.
It is as if I feel all the loss I have ever experienced in my life. Loss of not having loving parents, my daughter, the realationships I had hoped for that never materialised. Just feel terribly alone right now and scared.
Guess I am feeling the impact of the abuse. the truth is sinking in I was never anything to XN other than supply and was caste aside once another source materialized. It is so difficult to believe that I was nothing to him. I gave away so much power, ended up alone and unemployed because I trusted someone who has no respect for anyone.
bad day today,
axa
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You're doing good. You are strong enough to face these things now. Perhaps in the past you couldn't. It was too hard. So some of it got pushed down. But it doesn't disappear when we push it down. It stays there and acts on us in unrecognizable forms. That is what is coming up now. The real feelings. And it is hard. But you are doing well. It will pass. Then you will have built a little layer inside of you. That new layer is YOU. The real YOU. It will give you something good to build the next new layer on. Just keep going.
Love, Pennyplant
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Thank you for your responses. I thought about what I could do to help myself and I have written a five page letter to XN WHICH I WILL NEVER SEND TO HIM.
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Dreams of X, yep...I can relate...it's been over a year now and X is still in my dreams, being the "NICE" side of herself with me...riding in her vehicle, laughing, playing around, having fun...but then again I WAKE UP
hugs, axa...we understand and are here for you!
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hit post button in error.
I will never send it to him. But I have documented the abuse. I got in contact with reality by doing this. I named the things I am unable to name to others. I wrote it all and how I felt about it and the outcome is me gaining back some of my perspective. I do not want to be a victim again. I do not want to be abused. I want to be free of Ns and their crazy dysfunctional lives.
Yes, I am seeing a therapist who sadly is on holiday at the moment. I do think as well as the loss I am feeling all the abuse I have experienced in my life also. Its like everything has been thrown into one big pot. I know there is more than XN. He reminded me so much of my parents. I would revert to a helpless child around him, unable to feel alive, pulled in all directions with no ground under my feet.
I feel such shame that I choose him, that I choose to stay so long in such a crazy relationship. I am full of shame that I abandoned myself to such horror. I had promised myself so many times that I would not abandon myself again and I have. I gave away all of my power. All I had worked so hard for, finding my truth, knowing my values, all went out the window. I opened the window and helped him throw them out. I am so ashamed of my part in this.
The cycle you describe CB is the same for me, over and over again I expose myself to the ridicule, humiliation and pain. I want to break this cycle. I have suffered enough and feel I cannot survive another bout of abuse and hatred. To feel such hatred from another is mind numbing. Where did I go? Where was the real me who loved life, laughter and joy. I became a burnt out shell of myself. I colluded with him by staying. I ignored so much. I forgave so much. I did not value myself. I did not take care of myself. I gave up on so much. I sacrificied myself to be his supply.
Thank you for your belief, dont have too much of it here right now. Your posts are holding me thank you.
axa
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Hi axa
Don't hide from that shame... use it... it doesn't define you, but it can guide you away from what does not help you.
The worst mistake we can make is to refuse to look at our mistakes because it embarrasses us to admit them. If we let that stop us, we just stay stuck, and we'll make the same mistakes again, too.
Admitting the mistakes isn't easy... it's like walking through fire. It hurts, it can hurt terribly, but then you're through, on the other side, and everything looks different. You may feel sore for awhile and there may be tender places, but you can take care of them and you will heal.
Believe it... you will heal. The more you see, the more you understand, the more you heal. And eventually you will reach the point where you can safely feel a healthy pity, which is compassion, for people who hurt you, or try to hurt you, because of their own sickness and blindness... but you won't be pulled in to enabling them any more.
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Hey Axa,
Firstly, remember you are not alone. There are many people here who understand your pain only too well. The real you hasn't gone anywhere.. you are just the same only you are carrying all his baggage... See this is how I see it.. When I got with my ex N I was popular and shiny and successfull.. he wanted that.. he was carrying lots and lots of suitcases full of crap and he began to hand them all to me. Slowly and subtley he slipped them over to me until I was completely obliterated by his rubbish... He started to shine then... he had no heavy weight to carry anymore I was holding it all for him.. So he left with all my money and my self respect.. Anything he could take he took and more besides..
Hold on to the you underneath all those suitcases because she will pull you through.. start to drop them because when you do that he will have to pick them up.. They are his not yours..
Stormy is right. You will heal slowly but surely... Maybe you will mess up like I just did, but things will still have changed. A while ago I would have messed up and carried on just making it worse. Now I can see it for what it is and I am trying to learn from it..
I have read a lot of your stuff Axa. You have a beautiful soul.. believe in yourself and everyone here will be watching your back
Spyralle xxx
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I feel such shame that I choose him, that I choose to stay so long in such a crazy relationship. I am full of shame that I abandoned myself to such horror. I had promised myself so many times that I would not abandon myself again and I have. I gave away all of my power. All I had worked so hard for, finding my truth, knowing my values, all went out the window. I opened the window and helped him throw them out. I am so ashamed of my part in this.
This paragraph about shame struck me the hardest because I have lived with shame, toxic shame, all my life until 6 months ago. Shame is a terribly debilitating state that can destroy you. It is a form of self-condemnation. The only good thing about that is the "self" part. You can learn to undo the "self" part and when you do the condemnation from others has no hold on you. The first step to healing and freedom is to forgive yourself. If you had had the tools to choose differently you would have.
The irony is that by forgiving yourself you will actually participate in the healing necessary to move forward and chose differently. Until you forgive yourself you are internalizing the N's treatment and in essence keeping the N alive in you. When you catch yourself feeling shame or thinking self-condemning thoughts "stop! I will no longer allow the N's to put me down and I will not participate with them in putting my down in my own mind. I am throwing them out of my mind. It is mine." Find whatever message works for you and each and every time you start to feel down kick the negative thoughts out and replace them with something positive and simply repeat the positive message over and over.
Remember, the shame is something that you can battle. It is "their" voice that you have internalized and you can get rid of that message with practise. It may take a while but don't give up. And this place, Voicelessness, is a great help while you are making changes. I will walk with you on this journey if you like. I have been there and I have come out on the other side and I didn't believe it possible. your friend - Gaining Strength
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What light the people on this board shine in my darkness.
Gaining Strenght
The idea of keeping XN alive in me makes me want to vomit. Thank you for putting this so clearly. To shut him out of my mind is a practical step I can take. Today I had such a set back. I was so full of anger but much of that has moved now thanks to a huge shouting session where I screamed at him and all the Ns who have stolen part of my life.
The comfort to read the words that you will walk with me is beyond anything I can say to you, only thank you for hearing my voice and my pain and my hurt.
Spyralle,
The metaphor about his baggage is so fantastic. I do feel as if he has squirted his poison into me and I have been contaminated by it. Maybe I need to visualise this and work at working it out of my system. Yes I did take up his evil projections. I was full of life when I met him, very grounded and happy and slowly but surely he wore me down.
As time went on I put on so much weight, using food as an anaestethic, of course this disgusted him and then last year when things went so crazy I did the oppositie. Could not eat, sleep, lost so much weight again but in an unhealthy way. I could not eat, just lie in bed for days crying with the pain. He was "pleased" with my weight loss and congratulated himself in his part of this torture.
XN socially is a disaster and I was like his trophy who could socialise well, impress his colleagues etc. I know he was envious of me in many ways. When I took on a project I just got on with it and the people involved. The opposite to him. Anywhere he goes he causes confrontation and trouble. I need to hold onto the truth of this. Thank you for your wonderful support and wisdom.
Please do not let me forget. I need to smash those rose tinted glasses with all my might.
xxxxxxxxxxxx to all
axa
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Yes I did take up his evil projections. I was full of life when I met him, very grounded and happy and slowly but surely he wore me down.
Gosh I feel like I'm really being understood here now. I, too, was a different person before two years ago. I was very strong in my faith in God, sure of who He was and who I am in Him...till X. When X entered the picture, I was quickly "trained" in how a "minister" is to behave or not behave. I was told that certain things that I did, would NOT be tolerated if I was to join in the ministry with X and family. I was stripped of who I was and, in the end...FOR WHAT??? what did I end up with? who am I now? I'm still working on picking up those pieces to find out, with the help of my spiritual Mom, who values me, esteems me, gently corrects me, and LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY.
I could not eat, just lie in bed for days crying with the pain. He was "pleased" with my weight loss and congratulated himself in his part of this torture.
I don't know if X was pleased about feeding me junk foods and gourmet meals that I gained weight on or not, but I do remember sobbing my heart out for hours and hours, day after day, trying to convince myself that, YES it really DID happen to me, and YES I really was going to eventually stop hurting enough to want to live again...even without X.
XN socially is a disaster and I was like his trophy who could socialise well, impress his colleagues etc. I know he was envious of me in many ways. When I took on a project I just got on with it and the people involved. The opposite to him.
Socially X is insecure and nervous, although she sure lets everyone believe that she is as popular as other big-name spiritual leaders on TV...I just never saw it in person...only an X who was very scared even to say HELLO, pleased to meet you, because what if she didn't like them after she met them...then they'd be wanting to be all close with her and stuff. INstead, X relies on other people to actually handle her affairs up close and personal with her "fans"
As far as being envious, I know for a fact X was, of me. I could sing, I play an instrument, I've led worship at churches, I"m well-liked by several people...most of all, I don't need to wear a mask to feel GOOD about who I am. People who really love me, love me for ME, FLAWS AND ALL. X wishes she could feel good about herself that way and not have to pretend to be someone big or use her money to "win" friends and influence people.
RM
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(((((((Axa))))))))
Dreams can really feel like being blindsided. Your dreams are the guideposts out. It sounds like X is fading away and you are not sure that you can let go of the dream of the good side of him. It is pretty unlikely given that he is richly screwed up and a disorganized personality who only lives to feed his own demons that he had that good side.
What are you really letting go of? If you went back to him you might as well order your plot at the local cemetery because next time would be WORSE. There is lots of evidence that the abuse escalates rather than diminishes.
Connecting this loss to all your past loses is very normal. Very difficult to experience but normal grieving. It has to be gone through to get to the other side. Realizing that there is a part of you that is lonely, frightened and very young is another guidepost. That is the part that gets taken by these predators. I am learning to know who that part is in me and to have a relationship with her and to swear to her that I won't put her through this again. I have been involved with 3 long term relationships. All were with charismatic, brilliant narcissists who dropped me when we really got close. This has been the worst because the devaluing was so dramatic and involved police, employment, finaincial fraud, an affair etc. I really must get this cause I sure don't want to do it again.
I have been following your posts and it amazes me that someone like you who is so kind and smart and sensitive could be manipulated the way you were. That you could be nearly destroyed by this man. Then I go OHHHHHHHHHH that sounds like me. I can understand your pain and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I bet if we were in a room together with the people who come to this site to help each other we would be amazed at how together and vital they are. It was your vulnerability and need to be loved that got you in trouble and this started when you were very very young.So it is hard wired. Love yourself as much as you can. Baby yourself. Validate yourself. You will get out of this storm. There are many angels on your side and helping you.
Love to you
Sea storm
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Axa hold onto that truth with all your might. It was doing that that kept me from going insane... I know that pain only to well.. I used to lie on the sofa in the foetal position feeling like somebody was scraping out my insides...
I was the trophy for a while too, and then as he gained strength he banned me from going anywhere with him... He had taken what he wanted... Just consistently keep holding on to the truth.. I came here all the time. I have pages and pages and pages of these guys putting me straight. I also spent time with friends who would make me laugh just putting me straight and shattering my illusions...
Those rose tinted glasses are hard to break.. It's too easy to keep repairing them... keep on smashing them until it is impossible to put them back together
Love
Spyralle xxx
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I saw Elizabethtown...very interesting movie for sure!
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I think one of the things that is hitting me very hard at the moment is that I too had opportunities to protect myself and I did not. I just laid myself bare. I get it now that what I was doing was something like the more I gave the more he would see me. I made stupid decisions and put my trust in him knowing that he was NOT trustworthy. Financially I have ended up in a mess. I gave up work to be with him. And I knew he would just take and take. When I would point out the unfairness of the situation he would shout "who said life was fair" as if I was soooo stupid and he was right! The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up.
I need to accept this and move on. struggling again
axa
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Not stupid at all, axa. You presumed he was decent. Decent people reciprocate. It's kind of the bedrock of decency - if you help others in their need, they will genuinely try to help you in yours.
Non-decent people take advantage, and Ns are at the head of that list. And like all advantage-takers, they know what they're doing on some level, and they deliberately manipulate you to keep you giving to them. Promises, promises, promises, lies, lies, lies... until you've given so much that you feel as though you can't disinvest in them now, it's too late, they have most of you!
There's nothing stupid about expecting someone you love to treat you decently, which is what you did. There is something very ugly and mean, on the other hand, about deliberately manipulating, using, and taking advantage of someone who loves you, which is what he did.
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Stormchild,
Non-decent people take advantage, and Ns are at the head of that list. And like all advantage-takers, they know what they're doing on some level, and they deliberately manipulate you to keep you giving to them. Promises, promises, promises, lies, lies, lies... until you've given so much that you feel as though you can't disinvest in them now, it's too late, they have most of you!
They do know. I want to use the word evil because that is what comes to mind right now. There is something so powerful in the idea of giving so much that you cant disinvest in them. This was a feeling I had. I put so much in that I did not want to walk away. I kept hanging on in there in the hope that it would get better, which of course it couldn't.
I read "People of the Lie" while we were together. Peck describes Narcissists as being evil people. I read some of this out to XN and he agreed that was how he was. COULD IT HAVE BEEN CLEARED TO ME
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axa,
There's nothing stupid about expecting someone you love to treat you decently, which is what you did. There is something very ugly and mean, on the other hand, about deliberately manipulating, using, and taking advantage of someone who loves you, which is what he did.
Stormy is absolutely correct in this statement. Those of us who are decent, loving individuals (who most likely did not get any proper love and caring as children) keep searching for and thinking we have found someone who is reciprocating the love we are offering. We want to believe the loving words and actions which suck us into the web because we don't have the tools necessary to filter out truth from fiction. The longer the relationship goes on, the more blinded we become to the negative behaviors, lies and abuse (whatever form that may take). We keep making excuses for the things we don't understand and refuse to accept as reality.
Who is this person that pledged his or her undying love to us and has now changed (not really, but we finally begin to realize the truth) into an uncaring, emotionally unavailable, empty soul? We blame ourselves for not seeing it. We feel shame for continuing to live with it.
But then we finally feel anger for allowing it to have happened. We start screaming, punching, in my case, shattering his record albums--whatever we can do to release all that pain. That is the beginning of the road to healing, imo. The anger can eventually be turned into strength and resolve. We can then use that strength to start rebuilding our lives and prove to them that we can be successful and happy without them. That is our greatest revenge--to once again be happy. We are flipping them off with our happiness.
They will never be happy. They will pretend they are, but they will continuously search for the next fix. Their happiness is always temporary and never authentic. Be relieved that you are not them. Sometimes I almost feel a little compassion, but then I remember the hurt he caused and I just feel sorry for his next victim.
Axa, you are still in the grieving process. You must walk through this, feel it, and process it. The pain is incredible, but you can't avoid it. Eventually, you will come out on the other side of it and start working through the next set of emotions. In order to truly heal, you must process each step fully. I promise that you are making progress. I hear it in your words.
Hugs,
Brigid
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Axa - Here is some encouragement. I am going to take your last post and show you what is positive in it so that you take courage rather than languish in discouragement.
I think one of the things that is hitting me very hard at the moment is that I too had opportunities to protect myself and I did not. I just laid myself bare. I get it now that what I was doing was something like the more I gave the more he would see me. I made stupid decisions and put my trust in him knowing that he was NOT trustworthy. Financially I have ended up in a mess. I gave up work to be with him. And I knew he would just take and take. When I would point out the unfairness of the situation he would shout "who said life was fair" as if I was soooo stupid and he was right! The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up.
I need to accept this and move on. struggling again
Look at how powerful this statement is, "I get it now."
That is powerful. You get it NOW. You didn't get it then but you do get it now. That is growth. That is what you want. It is sooooo important to give yourself crdit for that growth.
This statement is important as well, "I had opportunities to protect myself and I did not." I suspect that you gave up that self protection in exchange for something that you desparately needed and wanted and whatever that something is it goes to your original wound. It is very important that you identify what that is. When you figure it out you can go about healing it. That healing is essential to prevent giving yourself up to someone who will abuse you again. You may already know what that wound is or you may need to spend time figuring it out. Again, I will walk with you on this journey.
This sentence is a big clue to your wound, "what I was doing was something like the more I gave the more he would see me." Perhaps "being seen" is much like "having a voice". Where in your early life did you feel invisible?
The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up. You did it because you needed something that you got initially and then when the facade fell away and the N appeared you were in so deep that you stayed hoping against all hope that you could salvage something. Finally you realized that there is nohing worth salvaging. It is so very important that you take your power back. One step in that is to give yourself credit for what you now see and what you now are doing. You now see what kiind of person he is and you now are getting yourself out. That is not powerless. You are strong enough to reclaim you power so don't mis lable yourself as your mistake. In other words, you made a mistake. That mistake is not you. You gave away your power in exchange for something you needed. You are not powerless. You are not a mistake. You made a mistake and then you figured it out and you are doing the right things to get yourself out of a mess. That is not powerless that is powerful!!! Focus on your strengths today not on your mistake made out of a deep wound yesterday. And remember, you are strong enough and powerful enough to get out of this nightmare now. You will be strong enough and powerful enough to identify and heal that deep seated wound that drew you into the relationship with him originally.
Axa, YOU ARE POWERFUL NOW!!! Accept that and it will only grow. Focus on your remarkable strength and insight NOW. They will carry you forward. They are powerful tools that will be your constant companion and your great support. You are doing well. The agonizing pain you are experiencing is from the wound not because you are weak. You will heal and that healing will be swifter if you can embrace and acknowledge your strengths while labeling but not owning the wounds that led you down the path of pain.
your friend - Gaining Strength
P.S. I was typing while you posted your last post so here is a small Post Script.
Your following statement is a reflection of an attribute that is nothing short of excellent. "I put so much in that I did not want to walk away. I kept hanging on in there in the hope that it would get better, which of course it couldn't."
The ability to hang in there and not give up is not a bad attribute. What was bad was his character. Do not paint yourself with his brush - that is what he has been trying to do. Many N's seen to project their pain onto those who try to love them and their loved ones often take it. Do not take on his projections. If you read about someone who didn't give up on a wounded, crippled child you would admire them. Well - that's what you did and when that wounded child tried to drown you you let go. That is admirable. Do not be so terribly critical of yourself - don't do to yourself what he did. Leave him and that criticism behind. You need gentle kindness - give that to yourself.
That's all the preaching I'm going to do for now. - GS
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Brigid,
It IS part of the process and I am awareo f that. I take a couple of steps forward and th its backwars. BUT I nver go back to where I was, which is wanting him back. So yes, I am making progress. I neer want to be contanimanted by his toxic virus again. WHEW!!! feels good to know that. And it is not just in my head It is in my gut also and that is what counts.
I have felt anger. I have screamed, raged so much over the past while and its good to let that out. My anger is not just aobut him it is about every N that has invaded my life. I know that over the yers I have made progress but still the wound is open and my job right now is to heal that wound and not let it be infected again.
Some time ago we walked through an old city and I showed him a beautiful door made in the 16th centrury . I stood in awe of it, the work , the time, that has passed the number of people who phave passed through that door. His response was that he could not see things like that and was envious of my ability to rejoice in such beauty. Youare right they cannot be happy. Whenerever he would take on a project he would get completely engrossed but could never stand back and appreciate it. It was always on to the next thing. He told me he never experiences satisfaction.........its always about running.
I feel i am moving on but in a healthy way. I do not hate him and I do feel sorry for him in some ways. He is so lonely and never will be any other way but Heck that is not my business.
Thank yo for the post, it is good to remember and acknowlege xx
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Gaining Strength,
Yep! I get it now. Each day it gets clearere. My wound IS not being seen or acknowledged I was never seen as a child. I wore myself outtrying to be seen by N parents who saw me as an inconveneince or a little slave. Part of this ties into my "doing" for the Ns in my life, or should I say XNs in my life since I am now NFREE. I was on a threadmill, doing, doing, doing, working very hard, thrying to fix, giving until I was exhausted but all my giving was outside of me. Little of it was about me giving to me.
I thin that the more I give to myself the less vulnerable and needy I am looking to thers to give to me. I have a sense of myself being healthy in time and this will be when I can give to me and not try and fill the hole with toxic crumbs from others. Whem I am in a place where I am full i can discern better what is good and what is bad. Up to now it seems I was willing to take anything that came my way.
Thank is not good enough any more.
Tomorrow night I will toast my friends at Voiceless and think of you, wishing us all an NFree New year
axa
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The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up. You did it because you needed something that you got initially and then when the facade fell away and the N appeared you were in so deep that you stayed hoping against all hope that you could salvage something.
This was ME for sure...I believed in Jodi, I believed we would travel together and minister, I believed she had considered me as a part of her family and ministry, I believed I finally met someone who enjoyed being with me as much as I enjoyed being with her...then I saw the truth...I was used to give her info and to have someone to pick on and mock, because I just laughed along with it and a lot of the cruelty went over my head at first. I was in so deep, feeling like I was really valued and wanted by these people, so I stayed, hoping maybe I could be the one who finally reached Jodi and cared enough that maybe she would open up and actually admit to all that she denied deep inside herself. I did hope I could salvage something. I even talked to people close to her who really "knew" her, hoping maybe we all could help her, but she had them snowed too. It's just still so sad to me and always will be, till the day someone comes to me and says, "Hey. I just want to tell you that Jodi finally went for help and felt her emotions for the first time, and feels so much remorse over all the people she has left behind, wounded, her husband and her have decided to give up their deceitful riches that have corrupted them and caused them to manipulate others, and they are now living a simple life trying to pick up the pieces and making amends to those they hurt." (hey, I can dream, can't I?)