Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: axa on December 30, 2006, 07:10:30 AM
-
Feeling very empty today. Withdrawl I guess. The wounds hurt so bad.
axa
-
((((((((((axa))))))))))
I shared some ideas on the strategies thread... yes, it is a lot like withdrawal symptoms. We do become addicted to them and sometimes even to the games they play with our hearts. Not really to the game, though, it's the bait. The fact that they are kind to us one minute every ten years... we keep hoping for more minutes of kindness and ignoring the years of abuse that we put up with as payment for that one minute.
Nobody who really loves you can enjoy hurting you on purpose. It's just not possible. Hold fast...
-
stormchild,
Thank you. I think you are right I hate the games but was addicted to the bait........something to really think about in this. I told XN at times when he told me he loved me that it felt like he hated me. That was another truth, need to remember this.
I am glad that he is out of my life. There seems to me to be a problem with the empty space he left and that is what I think I am struggling with right now. Any thoughts,
axa
-
Some of it may just have to be endured - some of it can be filled. You can't have pets, right, because you travel? Some healthy self-indulgence may fill the bill. Maybe do something splurgy for yourself today, since it's the 30th, and tomorrow turn in early with a cup of cocoa and a good book? Or if people are a better distraction for you, do tomorrow with friends who don't mind one extra in the party? [at my age that's not so easy to arrange - don't know how it is for you].
There are some truly good movies out now, thank g-d, you might go to a couple of matinees, too.
It's so hard dealing with this kind of issue at this time of year. All the professional helpers are off duty... you can feel like there's nowhere to go. Fortunately, there's here...
((((((((((axa))))))))))
-
Stormchild,
Posted on another thread that I have made plans. Decided I was not going to let him claim my present. He has had some of my past but he aint getting my future. I am going to live and have a life and he will not stop that. He stole enough from me. He will not steal my future.
Thank you for your support.........you have no idea how much it helps
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx to you
axa
-
Hear, hear matinees. I may do 2 this wknd.
Axa, I think the emptiness is key, and probably where the answers are.
Your description did strongly make me think of Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart.
I think her writing could be helpful to you now, maybe even a lot.
(((((Axa)))))
Hops
-
Oh that empty space...... What do we fill it with when we have spent all our energy on them before. Even when they weren't there. How do I make him love me more. Does he not think I'm attractive any more. What can I do to make hime really happy.... How much can I surprise him and become the perfect partner for that precious ten seconds... and on and on and on... It is an addiction. I work with addicts and the one thing they all talk about is that empty space. For them it isn't just the space where they are actually using that they miss. It is all the other stuff around it.. Thinking about the drug, out finding money to get the drug, scoring it, getting ready to use it, talking about it..... And when it is out of their lives. Even though they can understand the destruction it has caused they miss it... they miss the lifestyle that brought them the misery.. They crave for the drug.. They see it as the answer to all their problems...
Sorry Axa just rambling a bit.. There is such a parallel... but you are doing this thing. You know I think back over the last year and a half and I crawled through it on my hands and knees... But I'm still going and so are you... REJOICE IN THAT FACT!!!! and start a brand new year full of plans for YOU.....
((((((((((((((((((((((((Axa))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Spyralle x
-
The emptiness is fear i think. It is a strange and disorienting feeling in the body that signals abandonment.
My heart goes out to you. You struggle so hard to made sense of the abuse you suffered and the final abandonment by your N. I agree that you need to indulge yourself with anything that you love. Follow your bliss. You mentioned painting. Go to a life drawing class, invite some fellow artists for an artist soiree, get a pedicure. This kind of thing is critical I think. When I start panicking I can trace it back to not taking care of my needs and nurturiing myself. Special warm blanket whatever it takes..
Keep contact during the pain. There is healing in going through the emptiness with support.
There is no quick cure for this process but in having the willingness to go through the pain and face the black dogs there is a chance of resurrection into a healthier life and happiness. There is no going back.
I send much love to you.
Sea Storm
-
((( axa))))
I know I've not posted much here but I hear ya and glad you are NOT going to let your xN have any power over your future and your life! A cup a cocoa sounds good with a good book or a good movie. Your looking at this healthier. Am pullin for ya.
Free
-
I've had two thoughts about the "empty" feelings lately...
One is, I started almost feeling bad about posting regarding X, thinking that if I hadn't ever started posting, she'd still be in my life...but then, I thought, ya know, if she really was on this board the past couple weeks, reading what not only I but others said, if she truly had a heart, she wouldn't be shunning me, she'd be APOLOGIZING PROFUSELY AND GETTING HELP FOR HER FAMILY AND HER.
Amazing how we are still tormented long after the big vicious storm times!
~RM
-
Hi axa.... I'm pullin for ya too. Books help me to distract myself too. Does your library carry audio books? Maybe listening to a book might help?
-
Thank you for your posts
MS.......... books do help, reading is one of my favourite things and somehow I gave that up when with XN back to that. Thanks for suggestion.
The emptiness IS FEAR. It is linked in with abandomnet issues for me. I was abandoned by NParents but throughout my adult life, because I did not understand the need to take care of myself, I have abandoned myself. Throughout these past weeks I have a sense, through all the pain, hurt, emptiness, I have not abandoned me. Getting rid of XN was the most powerful thing I have done to claim my right to life. I am worth more than abuse. I need to know and know and know this.
I will paint this week. I am seeking out soft times with friends and many doors are open to me. I have changed my pattern of isolating myself with my pain. I am not spending my time with friends talking about XN. I am sharing my time with them as joyfully as I can. Filling the empty space. I feel less afraid.
I am seeing that the bad times come but the bad times go. The good times come and the good times go. Everything is changing and flowing. I do not feel hopeless. I see that everything is moving and maybe this is just how life is.
I have some sense of being more adult then I have ever been in my life........ I know I need to look after me.
Sypralle,
Your post about addicts makes a lot of sense to me. The drug (XN) is gone but the incredible amount of time I spent figuring out ways to do this/that to make things ok is now my time. I need to be disciplined about this. I need to invest my time in myself in a healthy way. The drama is over and I have some addiction to the drama, though I hate to admit it. I am looking at ways of having excitement in my life which are healthy.
I appreciate all the input
xxxxx axa
-
Wow axa - these two lines speak volume about where you are on your journey -
" I am not spending my time with friends talking about XN. I am sharing my time with them as joyfully as I can. Filling the empty space. "
Those words sound like sweet music. You have turned an important corner in your journey. I am so glad for you. So very glad for you. - your friend, Gaining Strength
-
GS
Feeling exhausted today. My energy is very low. I have been drifting over the past few weeks and need to get some order in my life. I am not working at the moment but have applied for an interesting postiion which I should know about mid january. The days seem long. Iknow part of taking care of myself is to instil some routine into my life but there is part of me saying NO, that is the child who wants someone to come and make it ok. NOt going to happen, Need to do some growing up and take responsiblity around being productive in my day. I know i will feel better if i do, just plan lazy right now.
could do with some encouragement.
axa
-
You can be there for that little child. You can do for that little child what she needs and what noone else ever took the time to do. I know it may sound corny but if you use a little imagination it can help a little. I have at times actually created imaginary parents who really care and encourage me. I conjure them up every now and then and here their words or wisdom and the more I do it he more it helps. Really! What have you got to lose? - I'm stand by cheering you on = step by step - your friend - Gaining strength
-
axa,
For me drinking was what filled the hole for so long. I hated it and craved it at the same time. I knew I would feel like shit if I had it, but at the same time, I welcomed feeling like that. Sick and weird I know... but I think you understand what I mean. The time after, when I just couldn't go on the way I was living, I kind of collapsed. I just plain withdrew. From everything. You can't cure that. You can only wait it out. Nothing will take that away right now. However, soon you will notice that the days are a bit better than before. And after that, you will notice you are having many more decent days. And now, I can attest, I have tons more good days than I have bad days. Getting comfort from pain is not unusual for us...and in order to banish that from our lives, we truly need to change and to get down to the roots of why we wanted that. You are already starting to work through that.
Lots of love and the knowledge that in a bit of time, and without noticing, you WILL be feeling better. The emptiness fills itself with things you can't even hope for now.
Love you,
Beth
-
Hi Axa,
I know those underwater days.
I hope you soon start seeing the light at the surface,
and discover how the everyday water will carry you...
Hops
-
Hi Guys,
Thank you for your encouragement. Think I will drum up some imaginary parents. I am lucky that i do not feel depression, just sad and angry at times and a bit lost. I am determined not to let a piece of trash like XN destroy my life. I wish I had more motivation around doing things. Seems like the days are just drifting with little joy right now. I will work on this. Have been struggling with doing some art but cannot get around to it. Will try again today. Part of my focus at the moment is not to get addicted to the pain. This would be an old familiar way for me and I feel like I wasted much of my life hanging onto the pain. I know I must feel the loss but in a way that is healthier not debilitating.
I am very aware of the adult part of me saying OK Girl this is your life, it can be good but you have to do it for you and the Chid part of me is wanting to be held and fed and taken care of. Got to get these two parts integrated so that they can be there for each other. Tomorrow I see my therapist thankfully. I know this will help.
Think I will take you guys on as my loving parents, if that is ok. Feel so cared for and heard here.
axa
-
Axa,
Come to Mama! (Well, you could choose a saner Rent-A-Mom but we'll do it in shifts...)
I think when you let go of an addiction to pain there's a curious silence.
Maybe you could sneak up on yourself a bit with some carefully chosen music?
Just inch from Wagner up to the Lovin' Spoonful?
Hops
-
Hi Hops,
What a Mama you'd make, lots of fun and very very sane by the sounds of it.
Moved on from Wagner not quite at Lovin spoonful, but maybe in the middle somewhere. A little world music with lots of strong melodies I am thinking. Need to have a look at music collection, very eclectic...a little like myself.
See you later,
xxxaxa
-
((((((((((((((axa))))))))))))))))
Have you ever tried a mindless hobby? I picked up knitting when I was in my inbetween stage. I do it now just to relax and create really neat things... Now that my life has moved along... I have done what they said and cultivated too many hobbies!!!! I have had to cut back :) You'll be there before you know it.
BTW, you sound great today!!!!! And you should be so proud of yourself! Not everyone is as smart and strong and capable as you are and have been!
Love, Beth
-
Hi Gratitude & Hops,
Well, I feel great. I spent the evening painting........... its been a while. I made two pieces which I am very pleased with. Got great energy from working with the paint.
Also took the advice of doing some drawing with my non dominant hand......... interesting experience. Felt like a child having to concentrate, think my tongue was sticking out of my mouth!!! ...not a pretty sight. The drawings were very sad but cathartic, will keep this up.
So much of this process is about taking care of yourself. I know I and probably most people here know it but the doing of it is what makes the difference. Feel a shift in my energy.
Tired but happy............
axa
-
Axa - don't let the parent in you expect the little girl to get going before her cast has even dried. you got run over by a mac truck and I'm sure you will be hobbling around like mad on your walker but wait a minute mama the plaster's still wet so the baby better recuperate a little while before you start cracking that whip.
-
AWESOME that you are doing art, Axa!
Woo-hoo!
Hops
-
GS & Hops,
Thanks for support. I will be careful with this little one. I am thinking of incorporating some of my child drawings into a piece of art. I feel as if I want some tangible evidence of the struggle I am working with. While I do much of the "head" stuff here with you guys I am aware of a need to work at another level, maybe with that silenced voice.
XXXX Axa
-
Hi Axa;
Reading through this thread I see you trying to find your way through the hurt and pain. I am so happy to hear that you are painting and expressing that inner child in you. That is a great idea and I think I will try this.
I have always likes drawings done by the non dominant hand. It is like the truth just creeps through without the carefulness and control of the dominant hand.
I decided to do a painting of a group of us sitting around a table. I cut out pictures of movie stars from the twenties and thirties in interesting stances so that the body language is really strong. These women had feeling and depth in their faces. Funny where art can lead us. But it is to a better place and through the maze.
I work with children who have been traumatized and art is the only way I know to access what is going on for them. They don't have the vocabulary to explain the complicated situations of their lives. One little boy drew a snowman. I asked him what it was.... He said, "a snowman". I couldn't see at first anything to distinguish this snowman for a normal snowman. I asked him "What would the snowman say if he could speak?" He said,"Help me! I'm melting!" Then the story slowly came out.
In my job I am very much encouraged to use cognitive behavioural therapy with traumatized people. It is helpful but it misses so much that is deeply worthwhile. I want to go back to work but work toward being in an environment where art and soul matter. Seems too much to hope for.
Sea storm
-
Sea,
Did some more of those drawings last night, very very emotional. I also did an exercise from John Bradshaw's book Homecoming. The exercise was to write a letter from the adult me to the child me, then to write a letter from the child to the adult. Boy did that send the tears flowing. Very very moving.
Dont know what I would do without this place, feeling fragile, dreams again, that I was pregnant.
Axa
-
You are pregnant Axa. You are giving birth to a new you. You will be a kind and caring mother ready to comfort and soothe the bumps and stumbles in life's rocky road. Get ready. You will be a kind and caring mother. Lucky baby you!!! - Gaining Strength
-
Gaining strenght
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Would you believe this had a dream last night that I was pregnant. But it was ok. Had a couple of scares with XN and took the morning after pill. He thought I should just wait and see cause we would have made such a "wonderful child". Glad I trusted my instict and went to the doctor. From what I have listened to hear I am sooooooooo happy I do not have to share a child with him My sympathy to all of you who have children with Ns at least I am free. wishing you all strength.
Axa
-
Oh Axa, I can hear your pain and how you are trying to explore who you are and how you got hear.
That exercise from Bradshaw sounds really good. Will try it.
It seems that you are shifting your attention to yourself rather than concentrating on N. When I do this I get in hot water and can barely stand it. When I concentrate on myself and being in the present I am in survival mode.
I learn a lot from you Axa. You are facing this crisis with grace and intelligence and not just going for some bandaide like another relationship or running back to N.
Bless you on your journey.
Sea Storm
-
Seastorn,
I think the doing rather than the thinking is very important. Getting out of my head is a real struggle for me. Called a friend (a therapist) who is going to do a visualisation from Bradshaws book with me next week. I so want to save this child.
Tried the band aid a number of times and it just threw me back to the same old place. I am so not interested in that anylonger. Part of my way of being is to isolate myself when I feel like this, as if I have failed again but this time I am doing it differently. Throughout the day I ask mysel what will make ME feel better and act on the answers that come up.
There are many areas of my life I have neglected while being with XN. My creativity, well I am claiming that back. My paintings are moving from dark to light. I am trusting that I am being guided by something deeper than my head when I am painting. I see pain in the paintings but the overriding emotion is hope: hope for me.
I am also doing a little work from Julia Cameron's book the sound of paper. The advantages of being unemployed at the moment is that I have time to do this stuff.
I wouild appreciate any ideas for healing from anyone, maybe I will start a thread on this subject.
Thanks to all
xxxaxa
-
Great idea for a thread axa... Things I do to make me feel better...
Drawing
Writing
Voluntary work
Getting my teeth into something at work
Bonding with my angel (long story!!!!)
just learning to enjoy being with my friends
Dancing alone in a wild way lol
I love the sound of 'the sound of paper' gonna go buy it
Spyralle xxx
-
Hi TT
I always think the age is four. Don;t know why but that seems right. I am doing ok. The work with my T friend went well, lots of holding that little girl and soothing. Anyone I meet these days tells me I am looking great not carrying the baggage of an N helps greatly.
I have been doing a lot of work with claiming my own dysfunctional behaviour, my lack of boundaries, my passivity, my addiction to crazy relationships and things are shifting in some ways for me. For the first time in my life I feel very content with myself and feel that the adult me is taking responsibility for my life. This I went through kicking and screaming and sometimes revert back to the four year old but am learning how to care for her and encourage her to grow up.
I would like to hear about your process,
axa
-
besee,
I completely relate to what your author says. Thank you for posting this. First chance I get to go to the bookstore, I'm going to read the book.
teartracks
-
Could it help to spend regular time just sitting on a rug observing little ones that age?
Like volunteering to help at a daycare center or a church nursery.
Hops
-
TT
Something I found interesting was to draw with my non dominant hand and write words with my non dominant hands. I did not censor anything just let the words flow............very powerful and cathartic work, also be prepared for the tears.
xxxxxxxxx
axa
-
axa,
Thanks. Others have suggested this. I believe things are falling together for me to make a connection with the 'little girl lost'.
teartracks