Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sandra on January 02, 2007, 05:32:37 PM
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:(
July 5th 2206 has to be the worst time of my life....I found text messages on my husbands phone from another woman..i had my suspicions for some time as he was coming home late...working late with this woman and taking her out for ride on his motor bike...But i was supposed to except this and not say a word, her husband was OK about it all, so why should i dare to complain.
The text messages were along the lines of love you so much, i miss you, thank you for the other night...when i completely lost it my husband laughed in my face and told me that i was a joke that got out of hand and after all it was only words to each other!!!
words that my husband has never said to me.
We have been together for 21 years and i found it very hard to take when he told me that he loved this woman.
on July 7th he moved out leaving me and the children, a son of 15years and a daughter of 12years. My son has taken it badly and this is an important year for him taking his GCSE's, i feel as though i have let him down as he told his teacher that his life was shit.
My daughter is loving the attention that she is getting from her dad, for the first time in her life he told her that he loved her and now gives her a cuddle when he picks her up and brings her home.
He has told me that he wont come home because he will not give up seeing this woman and that he has never loved me in the way that he should have.
My trouble is that i can't turn my feelings off, why do i still love a man that has treated me so badly and who has said that he has no feelings for me, my friends and mother just can't see why i can't just stop the feelings.
Will i just wake up one morning and the feelings be gone or will part of me always love him?
I want to stop loving him and move on but i don't know how.
please help!!
Sandra x
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Welcome Sandra,
I'm very sorry for what your husband did to you. I can totally relate and went through a very similar experience 3 1/2 years ago with my exh after 22 years of marriage and 2 children, who were 18 and 15 at the time. Not only did I find out about the OW, but I also learned that he had been addicted to pornography and masturbation for most of our marriage--which finally explained his lack of interest in intimacy for all those years.
Will i just wake up one morning and the feelings be gone or will part of me always love him?
I suppose everyone is different, but I stopped loving my ex about 2 1/2 years ago. It took many hours of therapy and facing the reality of my marriage. I went from loving him to hating him for a couple of years and now I just feel nothing at all. It is a grieving process, similar to a death, but worse, IMO.
I want to stop loving him and move on but i don't know how.
Are you in therapy? If not, I really recommend it. Also finding a divorce support group can be helpful and give you others in a similar situation to talk to. I found some new hobbies and activities to keep me busy, but really concentrated on keeping life as normal as possible for my children. After he left abruptly, I contacted all my daughter's teachers, coaches, guidance counselors, parents of friends or anyone else who would come in contact with her on a regular basis (my son was already in college) to make them aware of the situation and keep me posted of any changes in behavior, grades, etc. It also saved her from having to explain what had happened, which I knew would be very difficult for her.
Have faith and keep moving forward. I promise that it does get better if you really want it to. I have been in a new relationship for about 16 months and am so much happier than I was in my marriage. My children are doing great and have figured out their own relationship with their father who has continued in the relationship with the OW (who just filed for divorce a few weeks ago--he and I have been divorced for nearly 2 years). They are happy for me, proud that I was able to move on with my life, and really like my b/f.
I hope that helps a little.
Hugs,
Brigid
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Dear Sandra,
I am so sorry that you had to experience such shock and pain. Most people will tell you to just pick yourself up and get on with it. They have not been though it so they haven't a clue. These kinds of statements just make you feel more inadequate if that is possible.
Use these months well. Often husbands who ditch their wives and children in this sudden way show up for breakfast a year later and wish to god they could just pick up where they left off. This inspite of treating their wife like she is the dog's dish and saying that he never cared for her. As well, this guy sounds unbelievably callous and selfish.
You deserve to be treated in a kind and loving way. Things have gotten so far from that and probably have been for years. Although this is nothing short of llving hell it is also the beginning of a relationship of healing that you can begin with YOURSELF. There is a self there and you are worth knowing, worth listening to and worth loving. Sounds like your ex hasn't been doing that for quite some time.
You are so welcome here. Welcome with whatever feelings and thoughts you want to share. You won't be judged and you will get the support you need for your broken heart. My partner left me for another woman Oct 14. This place has been a life saver.
Wishing you peace and healing
Sea Storm
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Hi Sandra,
I'm so very sorry.
It may be his deep familiarity (apart from his secrets, that is) that you miss.
You will move through this one day at a time, as have so many thousands of women in the same situation. I agree with Brigid that a group could be terribly helpful to you right now. It is such a comfort to give and get support, and be out of your isolation.
When you meet survivors it does help plant the seed of hope in a better future.
And you are due one. It may not have the shape you thought it would, but it will have shape, and interest, and meaning and exploration and moments of joy.
Your marriage may be over, but YOU are not.
Hold tight, reach out, don't be a hero, and trust time.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in.
Hops
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thank you to everyone, your thoughts and kindness are appreciated.
I have been walking round the house today picking up all the little things that he has left behind, e.g gloves, hats, books etc and have put them all in a bag not sure whether to dump them or just give them to him??
Its true if i really stop to think about things.....it was always me that did everything around the house and ran around after the children while he sat on the sofa and went to sleep!!!
I will look into the support groups in my area and no i am not in therapy although i do see my doctor once a month who just sits and listens for longer than she should and then hands out the antidepressants!!!
I have a wonderful friend who has helped through the most difficult times.......Spyralle i just want you to know that i would never be where i am today if it wasn't for your help ....THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart :P
Thanks for all your kind words and support
Sandra x
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Brigid,
It was only recently I found out about XNs addiction to porn and mastrubation. He insisted it had nothing to do with me!!!! just something he felt compelled to do. All those nights working late on the computer now make sense. He stopped having sex with me because he had an aversion to it......... boy did that make me feel good. I believe he also used the withholding of sex as a punishment. It was linked with his terror of intimacy.
Its only been weeks for me but my sense of loving him seems to have gone. The more I see the reality I become aware that there was noone there to love. I had created an illusion and hung onto it. When I met him first two of his college friends told me to be very very careful of him. I had no idea what they were talking about. I do now.
It is worse than death because with the death of a loved you there is no rejection, no abuse and that is the difference.
Sandra,
I think the shock of everything is so overwhelming. It is hard to take on board all that has happened. It is like being hit by a truck. Thankfully I gathered everything belonging to XN before he left and gave it to him so there is nothing here belonging to him and no excuse for him ever to come back. I have had no contact wtih him and because I do not have children have no need to have contact with him which helps. The fact that he has plenty of supply also means that he has no need for me THANK GOD. As for his things I personally would dump them but that is your choice. He has dumped his family........
axa
Well done for finding a safe relationship, cannot even imagine that.
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Sandra,
OOOOOO I can help with this one! You could take his things and:
Place them carefully in a pretty pattern in the driveway and drive over them, back and forth, crunchcrunchcrunch
Lay them out in a pattern from his front door to his car, then squirt SuperGlue on each thing so when he picks them up they stick to his lyin' fingers
Donate them all to the Salvation Army and send him the receipt
Donate them all to the Salvation Army and keep the receipt for a tax deduction
Spread them out in his front lawn to spell "DICK"
Wait for a rainy day and arrange them on the roof and hood of his car
Send them COD in a very large heavy box to which you've added a few bricks
(Whatever you do, get rid of them, every trace of him, PRONTO. They're toxic. Radioactive. They probably glow in the dark and your space will smell much, much better when they're gone.)
Seriously, it really helped me a lot at the end of my last Nentanglement when I ditched every single physical and written reminder.
Consider it a purge, kind of like a refreshing enema.
Hops
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Axa,
I went through something similar with my exNH2.
We were married for 7 years, and he would not touch me for the last 5 of them.
More fool me for weeping myself to sleep, believing I was unattractive. I ain't!
(After 2 years of this, me thinking it was all my fault for wanting affection, he offhandedly remarked that he did the same thing with a fiancee and with his first wife...he "just didn't ever want it after being with a woman for a year.")
NOW he told me! It really was appallingly cruel and I wouldn't put up with it again. What a weapon. Turning your good heart against yourself.
Iggggh.
Hops
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Hee hee
Hopalong, you have a DARK side! :lol:
CB
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Moi?
:shock:
:mrgreen:
Hops
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He Hops,
Sometimes it is so goooooood to let that anger out. I have thought about doing nasty things to XN but you know could not be bothered wasting my energy. Great post about what to do with his things...... really got me going!!!! Oh what a naughty girl you are!
Oh they just make me sick, with their games and evil doing. I really believe they are evil.
Its funny but I am so surprised how little I miss him. Well the atmosphere in the house is so much better. There is no more pretending we are "partners" Every day I see more and more clearly how crazy he was. Up to a few days before he left he was talking to me about taking on a project with him. Nothing was based on reality, just crazy ideas he would pluck out of nowhere.
Well, today I feel 50 and FaB
xxx axa
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Having a really low today and cant stop crying ....... thank you Hops for your suggestions on what to do with his things you really put a smile on my face.
Its his evening for seeing the children, this always seems to be a very hard time just when i seem to get things straight in my head he comes round. I have asked him not to come here but to take the children out or for them to go to his place......but his responce is this is still half MY house and if i want to see them there then i will.....I know I could go out but i don't always have the money to go off and why should my friends have to put up with every Wednesday.
The trouble is that when he is here he treats the house as though he still lives here and i get the same responce if i dare say anything....This is still half Blah blah...
He also tells me that i have completely lost it and he was going to have me sectioned on Boxing day as i had dared asked him for some money.
it like a living hell when he is here if have had to have half a bottle of wine just for some courage!!
when he is here and then leaves again after a couple of hours its like the first day he walked out and i never seem to get past that stage....its just twisting the knife in a little more each time.
My Mum says that i need to get over it and forget about him but thats easier said than done he is the only man i have ever slept with and the only man i have ever loved....who else is going to want me? I just feel so lonely.
There is only one friend that knows what i am going through and i don't like to keep troubling her as she has enough worries of her own so thank you to you all for your support.
Sandra x
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the only man i have ever loved....who else is going to want me?
You deserve better and when you finally realize that you will find someone who will treat you as well as you believe you deserve. Right now you don't believe you desrve better even though deep inside you really do KNOW it. As you begin to find yourself you will begin to pity him - you will see, it will come. So for tonight when you see him imagine a giant cockroach has invaded your home and you are in the back working up a great insecticide - meanwhile placating the beast until you can dispose of him.
Well maybe that's too drastic - but you get the idea - imagine something useful that makes you feel better. If nothing else - go out driving around and listening to music, but definitely get away. - GS
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Hi Sandra,
Have you hired an attorney yet? If not, I strongly recommend you do so and get some advice on your rights as to his presence in the house, etc. I assume you are in Great Britain based on "Boxing Day" so I don't know your laws, but here in the States, if he was the one to leave the home, he is not entitled to just come and go as he pleases. Once my ex left, my attorney advised me to change the locks so he could not come in during my absence. All I had to do was advise him that I had done so. When he spent time with our daughter, he had to either pick her up at the house or at school and take her to his home or out to dinner. If he came to our house, I did not allow him past the front entry area unless he was invited or granted permission.
I gave him one day to come and move his stuff out and informed him that anything that was left was mine to do with as I pleased. I left for the entire day and let him take whatever he wanted. He neglected to take his vast record collection, so I took the whole bunch out to the garage (it was January and very cold) and let them get very cold and hard. Every time I would get angry about what he had done, I would go to the garage and smash about a dozen of them--always choosing his favorites--then neatly return them to the jackets for him to pick up later. Everyone told me I should sell them on E-Bay, but I had much more fun smashing them.
I would say that your h is taking great advantage of you and the power he still has over you. Please get some legal advice and start taking some control of the situation. You will feel so much better when you feel you have some of your control back and can make some of your own decisions.
You deserve to be treated so much better than you are and believe me when I say there are much better men out there than who you have been married to. I have come to realize how much I have missed out on in a relationship since I have been with my b/f. It is wonderful to be able to have fun, to be loved and have many moments of intimacy. I now know what my marriage should have been like, but never could or would have been.
Brigid
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Hey, Sandra. I am so sorry that you are going through this. But you will get through. You have just become a member of a very big, wonderful club. So much of what you said hit me and others right where old scars are.
When I read your comment about him coming to your place to visit the kids, well it got my Irish up.
You do know he is treating you badly when he demands access to the house, right?
I, too went through similar stuff. I agree with Brigid, that I think you have some legal backing to get him away from your physical space. He sounds like a really nasty man to me and this is truly emotionally abusive.
Some time soon, when you are healing inside, and you start to feel whole again, you will see that what he does is strategically planned to keep you in a subservient and fearful place. And maybe that's when you will start to feel better (after feeling even worse of course).
You deserve love, real love. Not the sham this guy has twisted your kind heart into accepting as love.
Give it to yourself first. You will get there, you really will. It will all be okay.
I was so distraught when the kids were with my ex (although not in my house!) that I was more than happy to date and subsequently marry someone for whom "no kids" was a great thing! Made the nights without the kids (with whom my ex had little to with previously!!) much easier.....temporarily. Then I really woke up. Needless to say I had attracted N number 2. Why? Well, I hadn't done any work to figure out why N number one was someone I married in the first place. His acting badly was not news....it had just hit the unbearable level with the cheating!! I suspect yours did not suddenly turn into Atilla the Hun...that perhaps he was not so great to you besides the cheating? (like that's not enough, huh?)
So work on loving yourself, healing yourself, getting okay with being alone. I wish I could save you some heartache.....but face it now or face it later...you'll have some rough patches to get through. I highly recommend you get through it without another man. (unless he is your awesome therapist).
Your kids will be fine....they only need one great parent, really. And you know that's you. So do they.
Bite your toungue off if you have to, but let them come to terms with "suddenly awesome" dad, if that's the case. Support thier love for him as much as he doesn't deserve it! I have been divorced for 10 years and much nastiness has ensued. I can tell you, though, that one piece of advice (which I did slip up on occassionally) has so much to do with the respect my children now have for me (and unfortunately the disrespect they have for dad and his wife). It was hard won.
You are the example they need of what love is. So love yourself first of all.
Sending love and light to you.
Mum
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Sandra,
It sounds like hell to me.
I looked at the subject of this post and I want to ask you something. Can you tell me what you love about him. it may be useful to try and name it.
Thinking of you
AXA
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:( Hi all thanks for your replies....it has taken me until 1pm to get out of bed today, i just cant be bothered to get on with anything...i don't start back to work until next week.
Yes i have got myself a lawyer but I have been told that all the time his name is on the house deeds I am not allowed to change the locks and he has a right to come into the house if he so wishes although my Lawyer did suggest in a letter that he takes them out for dinner once a week from 6pm-9.30pm......this rarely happens he always says he has no money, he turns up at 7-7.30 and leaves somewhere before 10pm...if I dare say anything he just starts being abusive and telling me that I am mad and need to see a doctor!!!
He has said that he would not come into the house unless we were here but he will not give me back his key either......i have told him that i am not comfortable with this but i always get the same reply.. yes you guessed it...... This is my!!!!!!!! Then he laughed and said did I think he was going to come in at night and rape me?
I have filed for divorce but he has not signed the papers yet. He first of all thought i had got a friend to send some papers....how thick!!! they had the court stamp on them........then he asked why I had sent them, why did I not wait a while for him to see what happens!!! I had asked and asked if he was coming home but he always replied that he would not give this woman up as she was his FRIEND...the only one he has!!! so i stopped asking and took some action, there is only so many times you can ask the same question.
Axa- you asked what I love about him.....He is the father of my children and really the only man i have ever been with. I got used to not having hugs and kisses and guessed that this was a normal relationship between husband and wife. If i used to go and give him a cuddle he would either say what do you want or stand there tapping his feet until I stopped....so I did.
I have been asked this question so many times and i guess that its all i have known and all that I am entitled to......
We have had some good times but there has also been some bad times....like when HE went through post natal depression both times after having each of our children....with our son the first born he went through it we he was about a month old....with my daughter she was 2 days old...he would not have anything to do with them, did not help with anything...he took the time off work when i had my daughter to look after our 3 year old and didn't do a thing...
He never got on with my parents and this made life rather difficult at times...if there was a family get together he would sulk in a corner somewhere and want to go home as soon as we got there.
sorry i have started to ramble.
This is such a wonderful place to be able to spill my guts about everything Thank you
sad and lonely
Sandra x
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Sandra,
So sorry you are having such a hard time. He sounds horrible. Can you leave the house, go see a friend when he calls, at least you would not have to share the same air as him.
Hope its okay to go back to what you love about him. By all accounts there was not love on his side but is there anything that you can say you love about him now. I found making a list of words, one on each line, of my experiences with XN very helpful. The list is long, there were two positive things on the list, he was smart and funny the other 24things were soooooooo negative. I just looked at them and thought could I really love this person who has so little in common with me and the answer was a resounding NO. Looking at the reality of the situation, the truth of the "relationship" hit me straight between the eyes. No I do not love him, it was all some sad pathetic fantasy that I had cooked up to make the pain bearable.
Thinking of you xxxx Axa
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:(
Hi all
Have started back to work today but as yet cannot get in the swing of things.....my head feels completely muddled and cant stop thinking about things at home...
Nex came round of Saturday as i had not responded to his text message about taking the kids out Sunday (or rather one of the kids as my son plays football and he will not take him). He was very smug as he had got one over on me again and i am sure he just came round so that he could laugh in my face.
Just before Christmas we had to pay for the sofas we had purchased last year and for the first time ever it had been put in his name, if it had not been payed by December 27th he would have had to pay double....so he kept on and on for me to give him half the money for it.....I told him that i could only afford £400 so he said that he would except that......its now January and the maintenance has just been paid into my bank account but its £100 short....I called him and asked why and he laughed and said you still owe me for the sofa!!!!!!!
I feel so stupid.......I set myself up every time and fall from a great height.
He says he loves the kids but he never really had that much to do with them all these years now my daughter thinks he is the most wonderful dad on this earth......he gives her a kiss and a cuddle every time he arrives and leaves....this is the first time in the 12years since she was born... but I think he is just using her to gain information about what I spend money on as he seems to know everthing that is going on....am i just being cynical?
My heart just sinks everytime he is near! My son is finding life hard and I feel as though it is all my fault....if i had stayed with his dad would he be OK. (but it was his dad that left for his fancy woman)
Do you ever feel whole again after an Nex has left or does it just take a while.
sorry this is such a rambling mess but as i said my head is all over the place.
woolly headed
Sandra x
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Dear Sandra,
YES you will feel whole...and perhaps for the first time.
And it will be wonderful.
This pain will pass. I am sorry he's being mean and manipulative.
You are so hurt, so understandably hurt.
Can you: change the locks on the house, and block his emails?
Can you tell him if he wants to geta message to you about visiting the kids he needs to do it by phone?
As hard as it is, your kids will have to figure out who he is for themselves.
You will help them most by deciding that your dignity is all you need to show them.
Don't "badmouth" him in front of them even when he deserves it.
This is what they'll remember...who was dignifiied and decent.
But don't go too far, stick up for yourself too when he's being unreasonable.
The past is gone. His choice is made. Let him live with it.
And as soon as this transition's through you are going to have a new world of choices of your own.
Hang in there,
Hopalong
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:)
thanks hopalong
Sandra x
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SAndra,
Hope today is a bit better for you. Hang on in there
axa
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Thanks Axa
Still cant quite get focused at work although i have managed to look busy by doing nothing....... :lol:
Mind you the Chief Executive wants to catch up with me over a policy that i should have written.....and not done.....guess i am going to get a telling off so will need to get my head down and stop thinking about things at home...
My Nex keeps saying that i am a nutter and going to loose my job so i need to prove him wrong!!!
thanks everyone for your wonderful support i feel as though i have a whole new family.
Love
Sandra x
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Ugh... Don't you just want to bop him one on the nose...
Sorry Sandra but this brings back so many memories for me. A year and a half ago I was also wondering if I could ever get through a day I was in that much pain. and I am still here and it is getting easier... keep posting the real stuff. Everytime you sit down and start craving him.. ask yourself..'What is it that I am craving?? Make lists of the things he did. Talk about it, Get it out in the open and really look at it. Very painful stuff but that's what heals..
You said you had a friend that understood but you didn't want to keep bothering her.. I'm sure if she understands she will be there for you.. You are worth being heard. Stand up and shout it out and get it all out of your system. You are worth so much more than that!!!!!
And when he says you are a nutter mentally hold up a mirror to him.. Don't absorb his rubbish.. This is his stuff. Try not to pick it up when he throws it at you.. Somebody has to carry it... If you don't take it off him he will have to keep hold of it... Sorry if I sound a bit angry. I'm just angry for you.. and for me I guess and for everyone on here that has been at the mercy of these parasitic b**t**ds...
Look at the love that is on this board and the kindness and sensitivity of people who have been rejected and rubbished and spend their time supporting and helping one another That's what matters in this world.. Those bloody N's may not see that but we do...
How dare he call you a nutter... he was the crazy one to walk away from a family that loved him.. He is the loser around here. You be proud that you are a dignified gentle loving person that is holding that little family together.
Spyralle quickly stepped down off her soapbox and slipped into the shadows feeling a little embarrassed for having lost her temper...Even though it was a just cause!!!!!!!!!
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:)
Spyralle
You can get on your soapbox anytime you like.
I know my friend is there for me, and i hope she knows i am there for her.
Take care
love
sandra x x x
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Hi Sandra
Focusing on stopping something is always hard whatever the task. However, focusing on actively doing something else to replace what you wish to overcome may help you find the task in hand easier than you thought.
Spend time consciously focusing on loving your valuable self, your kids, other people in your life, and you might slowly find yourself lifted from the grip of doing what you don't wish to do.
All the best to you and your family,
P x
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Thanks peapod, taking to heart what you said. Staying focused and giving yourself a break really does help
axa
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:)
Thanks guys i feel really lifted with all your good vibes.
love
Sandra x
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Sandra,
Your ex sounds like an immature little nitwit. He is manipulative and a miser. All hightly unlikeable qualites. The fact that he disrespects the mother of his chilldren has Nothing to do with you. This kind of behaviour belongs to a misoginist. He would treat anyone he was married to in this lowdown, power tripping and disgusting way.
He sounds like a control mad, insecure sick puppy. Especially around the sex. This happened to me too and I had no idea what was going on. He said that it was my fault and I had been too demanding and critical. He did mention that it was a problem in his other two marriages as well. This is a dead give away that a man is very disorganized mentally. You can't expect a rational and well balanced opinion about anything from this guy.
It is so sad that you are blaming yourself. You were kind and loving to him and he didn't have a clue what that is all about. It was your lucky day when he left.
He is putting the screws to you now and he seems very clever and manipulative in this area. Listen to your sisters here because they have been through it.
Forgive yourself for feeling spaced out. This is a NORMAL reaction to the trauma you have experienced.
I notice that you say "oh I am sorry for rambling" just when you are really getting into your story. You have a voice here and say all that you wasnt or need to. This is a crisis in your life and you deserve loving support.
Write ten times a day if you need to. One day you will find that you don't feel like writing here so often.
I send you so much love and llight. You are being bullied by this weenie. I know how much your heart hurts and slowly it will get better. I didn't believe I had the strength to survive my partner leaving me for another woman. It was inconceivable. But here I am. I am so grateful that I have survived.
Love to you ,
Sea Sorm
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Hi Seastorm,
What were you doing having sex (or not) with my XN ?????????????????????????????????
xxxx Axa