Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: seastorm on January 04, 2007, 11:26:43 PM
-
This is to everyone.
I am confused about how the threads work. For instance, someone will start a new topic and it could be quite painful for that person. So a few people reply and then people start talking to each other and they can just start chatting about something irrelevant to the topic.
I end up not knowing who to talk to. I think I should talk to the person who wanted to start the topic and i feel sorry for them when people start chatting to each other off the topic.
This has happened to me when I have intiated a topic and I feel sort of minimized by it.
I would like to know what people think.
thanks
Seastorm
-
Hi Sea,
I'd like to plead guilty on the assumption I've done it!
Here's my take on it. I know that sometimes when I tear upstairs after a long day and pounce on the board I'm both eager to catch up but also really tired, so sometimes I just lose focus on what orginally inspired a thread.
I hear a familiar voice and just crosstalk sometimes. I am sorry if it's ever marginalized you.
But I do think that's kind of a general thing...threads are started by anyone who wants to, and anyone who starts one can ask that their thread stay on topic...but after a page or two of posts it does happen that people sort of slip sideways into other topics.
I think the best way to get more attention to the topic of your thread is just to pop back in and ask for it when that is bugging you. Otherwise, you might set yourself up for hurt or annoyance if people don't remember.
Energy here can flow fast or slow, a bit distracted (though well intentioned) or very focused. It works best for me to just roll with it. If a thread I start has rolled right on past, then I can always rephrase it a little and start a new one on basically the same thing.
Another idea: what about if you really need a thread you start to stay on topic, putting that in the title of the thread? For example, Need An On-Topic Thread About Qumquats. You know? I think that would help this scatterbrain stay with you, anyway.
Most of all, though, I think the best advice I can think of is to not be afraid to pop back into a drifting thread whenever you need to and simply refocus us back on topic. I sure woudln't mind. And that way you don't take it personally, and you're practicing asking for what you need. Always good!
That help at all? Hope so.
Hugs,
Hops
-
Thanks Hops
That helps a lot. I sometimes get lost in thinking that I am not worth listening too. Very old message.
I appreciate your feedback.
Seastorm
-
Hi Seastorm,
So glad you brought this up. I have also noticed this and find that it diminishes the focase of the original post.
I know this sounds macabre, but this sort of thing makes me think of people, who while attending a funeral, start discussing what they did on their last vacation or talking about sports or some other topic unrelated to the event. I find it insensitive, but it's also very human.
I like Hop's idea of checking back on the post and re-focasing people on the topic.
Dazed
-
Sea,
Thank you for bringing this up when it bothered you. Most of us are here because we struggle with voicelessness, so it doesnt help us to feel as though we are voiceless here as well.
I took your concerns very seriously and did a little back reading to see if I could tell what was happening. One thing I noticed is that there was less crosstalk when the original poster stayed engaged in the discussion. I noticed the most when the poster didnt continue with the thread--it seemed as though their presence was key in keeping everyone on track. I like Hops' idea about the original poster directing us back. That would help me stay focussed.
Still, I want to be careful not hurt in this way. I am rather scatterbrained and I know that when the thread gets long, I begin going directly to the end to read the posts and I lose track easily of the original topic. (As a matter of fact, if you see me disappear from participating in a post, it's because I got lost on the board and never found my way back!) I will start checking the beginning of the thread to make sure I know where I am.
Blessings to you, Sea.
CB
-
hi Sea and everyone
I've taken a back seat to the board and just read posts, all the while wanting to share some things but afraid to. In one thread, which got deleted for some reason I poured my heart out and wanted help. But it seemed I was questioned for wanting help or was asked "why" I even asked so I felt unsafe and stopped posting, and went back to lurking. Glad you mentioned this
Free
-
Hi Free,
I am so sorry this happened to you. I can understand why you're reluctant to post.
But, think of it as a wager: If you don't post, you will definately not receive any help. If you do post, there's a greater chance you will receive help. I know your prior request for help was met with a hurtful response, but I think that is an unusual occurence. So, please post again.
Also, if you are going to post a long post, here's what I do: Type it on word processing software (I use word perfect) and then cut and paste it on to the board. This way, if it gets lost while you're posting, you will have the original to cut and paste from again.
Opps, I'm guilty of posting off topic.
Dazed
-
Dear Free,
I remember your post and the response you got. I had wanted to encourage you to brush it off and keep posting, but I wasn't sure how to do that without making it worse. Please forgive me. I should have said something.
I hope you will try again. What you have to say matters and we want to hear you.
CB
-
Hi Free,
I searched to find the post in which you felt hurt and I found it and IRONICALLY, the original post was MY post!! How weird!! All my life's a circle.
Yes, I see what you mean; somebody kinda bit your head off and, in my opinion, did so unfairly. I found your prior posts quite valuable and I appreciate that you want to see the glass as half full. Please keep posting.
What is more ironic for me is that in my original post about codependency (with which I'm struggling), I did what Hopps suggested: I kept posting to try to keep the responses focased on codependency.
I received many really excellent responses from that post and they changed me. I found that others also were dealing with codependency and therefore, I felt less alone.
What I love about posting here is that you put your ideas out there and people respond. Sometimes the responses change your life (as in my case) and sometimes you feel hurt (as in your case). Guess what I'm trying to say is that I find it exhilarating to expose my deepest feelings and have people repond.
Dazed
-
SeaStorm - thank you for starting this post. I have had the same concerns that you expressed but I wasn't able to figure out how to bring it up without causing trouble. Several times I have seen the subject changed abruptly or have had it done to me in the middle of poignant threads. It always jars me and I find myself steeling against the disruption. I have resigned myself to understanding the practical nature of Hops suggestions.
Naturally, on a board that focuses on Voicelessness many of us feel such experiences deeply. Another jarring type experience that has no solution is to post something of great significance to me and have no responses. But of course no one can demand a response.
And then there is the experience that FreeMe2Live describes of having your toes stepped on. I have sort of sidestepped that issue. (LOL on the pun)
I use these experiences to help me grow. Because I WANT this place and NEED to stay in touch with caring people, I overlook the barbs and arrows. That alone is a new experience for me. Until recently I have been something of a pitbull who got a bite of something and refused to let go. If I saw an injustice I jumped in even if it wasn't my battle. But that did not work to any advantage. So today, I let things slide unless they are egregious.
I'm so glad you brought this up. I find it insightful to read what others have to say on the matter. - Gaining Strength
-
Thank you for your replies to this issue. I was nervous to bring it up and wanted to be assertive and I am glad I did.
There are many ways to perceive things. I am the type who feels these cross talk bits are like people chatting gaily at a funeral. Not always but mostly. It is a stretch for me to post publicly and I am pretty extroverted.
Anyway, thanks for caring how I feel. I will try to stay engaged in the replies. I find it hard to read the small lettering when it is time to reply. I continue to feel vulnerable when I reply and I appreciate that people can understand this.
Dazed: I remember your post too. I replied to it and my reply was edited out too. I thought this a bit odd but I did mention the sexual problems of living with N. I read the manifesto of Voicelessness and thought I might have crossed a line there. It would be better to give someone feedback in a case like that. There are complete weirdos occasionally and they are edited out. I don't see myself as that though and you are sure welcome here Dazed. Please try again.
If anyone feels that they are voiceless in their post I would want them to say so. I would rather poke myself with a stick than hurt someone who was speaking from their heart and wanting help. But SHOULD that happen then it is good to say so.
Oh Cripes. This is like a stage in group therapy where the cards are on the table. I am sure glad we can handle an issue without being attacked. This is a pleasant surprise and very reassuring.
Love to you guys and gals,
Seastorm
-
Thanks for sharing what was on your mind and heart.
I will be more thoughtful before I post.
Much love, seasons
-
Seastorm, Gaining Strength. Dazed,CD & Seasons!
You are all so very kind in your words and much appreciated. Dazed thank you for the suggestion, and i will certainly do the word doc thing before posting and yes agree with you on keep trying, I was just a bit cautious to say much more. And Gaining Strength I find wisdom in your posts and I've seen how you respond to others here which is with a soft answer. You learn a lot about a person by their words and in my own past abuses words can fracture the spirit of a person. They can cause life or bring death to the soul. I do agree with all of you we need to not ignore but I am sure that it wasnt intentional when some were over looked. I found your remark, " I am the type who feels these cross talk bits are like people chatting gaily at a funeral.." Seastorm gives a good word picture for how (me included) can not see the validity in the pain of a person sharing. Thank you all again and thank you for this thread. Good sharing is refreshing when its from the heart.
I appreciate the encouragement and each of you more than you know.
Free
-
I think "chatting" is the operative word here. I can understand being "upset" when others "chat" about off topic things, but man - what a wonderful feeling when YOUR POST puts 2 OTHER PEOPLE in touch who maybe have a world shifting experience. I know this happened to me recently and I exchanged a few posts with someone I never had before.
It's a good thing when you have impacted others in a good way!
I agree that "chatting" about off topics during a specific thread can be disrespectful - but, again, I echo - if the poster doesn't respond, what's the difference?
Dandylife
-
I think the best thing about a recovery board like this is it's a safe place to practice real life skills. And in real life, well life goes on...people do chat at funerals even if it seems insensitive...
There have been times in life I have thought no one cares, no one listens to me...but a Canadian friend put it in perspective for me: they do, just not on the time frame you need them to.
When things are sensitive and painful it hurts more to feel dismissed or ignored or misunderstood.
Whenever I feel excluded or hurt now I think about this and try to be more patient, and sure enough, life comes full circle ( as Dazed points out )
I think if the topic is important to someone they will pull it back into the original discussion, but also some things have drifted for hundreds of posts in general chit-chat so there seems to be a place for everything/ everyone.
It's been the biggest lesson I have learned in my recovery I think- life isn't perfect. For some reason I thought once I sorted out some major issues and problems it would be, but no...the world's pretty much the same as ever, so I have had to stop taking some things personally!
I have intiated a topic and I feel sort of minimized by it.
I used to spend a few minutes each week looking over the board and seeing if anyone's posts had been missed...now I don't have a computer so I'm restricted in the time I can spend online.
Sorry if I have ignored anyone, it's not intentional.
I think everyone has a lot to offer by sharing their experience, and other people's responses are only a part of the picture after all; some things we have to learn to carry for ourselves even if no one else seems to be supporting us right now. It's that strength of being me regardless which I want to build on this year....I don't want to keep wobbling wheneevr circumstances do- I want to be the same me as a source of strength, my inner core strength and self ( if that makes any sense at all...)
~W
-
When things are sensitive and painful it hurts more to feel dismissed or ignored or misunderstood.
Whenever I feel excluded or hurt now I think about this and try to be more patient, and sure enough, life comes full circle ( as Dazed points out )
I think if the topic is important to someone they will pull it back into the original discussion, but also some things have drifted for hundreds of posts in general chit-chat so there seems to be a place for everything/ everyone.
It's been the biggest lesson I have learned in my recovery I think- life isn't perfect. For some reason I thought once I sorted out some major issues and problems it would be, but no...the world's pretty much the same as ever, so I have had to stop taking some things personally!
I wanted to say something like this but couldn't figure out how to do it without sounding like a big jerk. Now I'm glad I didn't waste my time, as write has said everything I wanted to, only better and in fewer words. Perfect.
mud
-
Hi seastorm
Kudos to you for beginning this topic of ‘thread hi-jacking’. I’ve seen this happen on many an occasion and I agree with the poster replies to you, about trying to re-focus on the topic.
I also understand your feelings of your thoughts being minimized.
Asserting yourself this way is good, as we can lose so much of ourselves after experiencing life with an N, a P or a P/N After being devalued by one of them, the last thing we need is to feel devalued again.
Xx
Izzy
-
Seastorm,
What a brilliant topic you started. You took a risk by stating how you feel and it turns out that a lot of people share your feelings. Hope this makes you feel good.
Seastorm, I checked my old post again and I see there was no post from you. I don’t know how you got edited out (I certainly didn’t do it), but if you ever feel like it, you could re-post your post.
Kinda off topic, but I want to say this: Seastorm, CB123 & Axa: I know each of you is going through a lot of turmoil at this time and I just wanted to say that I really feel for each of you and that I also see positive growth in each of you, despite the pain.
To everyone else who has posted on this thread, I want to say that I love what each of you has said and this reinforces why I love this Board.
We are voiceless NO MORE!!!!!!
Love,
dazed
-
This has been such a good experience for me ie. hearing your feedback on my concern about cross-talk. It opened into some really profound response and I learned a lot.
I agree that people have different styles of communication and there are different cultures. Sometimes it is fun to just be spontaneous and let her rip. I had to laugh about the comments concerning funerals. There are lots of ways to share at funerals.
On the other hand I am pretty tired of the general inability of most people in society to deal with grief and loss in a deep and genuine way. Cross talk bugs me for lots of reasons. I facilitated groups of wormen who were sexually abused and groups for kids who were abused. The big rule that made things respectful (which I think is a beautiful and profound word) was no crosstalk.
I also worked with deaf people and crosstalk meant that they didn't have a hope of following a conversation. So I got to think that cross talkers are sort of bottom feeders. This is AWEFUL of me to say but there it is.
I know I can't control the world out there but I can say that it throws me off. People can do what they like but I feel better for having put it out there.
Lots of love,
Seastorm
-
Guilty as charged!! Whenever a post gets my attention and I read some of the posts, it almost always reminds me of a similar situation. In fact, so often when I read people's posts here, I feel like I could have written it. So often the scenarios and feelings are so the same...............and if not the same, similar. So I find myself saying things like"yeah, that reminds me of when......blah blah balh................." Off subject.....but kind of the same.
I also agree that when the original poster comes back and replies, the topic usually gets back on topic.......but sometimes I see the original poster get involved with the cross talk, too.
Sometimes the interchanges are really healthy and help me to focus on what I need to do, what I can learn, and how better to respond. Sometimes they turn into fluff. Sometimes they go no where and die. I have started posts that have gone on and on for pages and others that die before the first page is up.
I think it is a dynamic which we cannot undo. Again, we all need a voice and if it is just an encouraging interchange in the middle of another person's post, and it makes our day than COOL!!!!
-
Hi again, Sea...
I too live in a southern culture, where mid-sentence subject change is a kind of odd shorthand for expressing affection or intimacy sometimes, and doesn't at all mean compassion has fled.
Then again, I am also an ENohlookabird!FP...
I just want to tell you that I also would hate to hurt anyone's feelings by anything I blurt mid-thread that's off topic. But I'm pretty sure I'm likely to do it. If if I do stray, would you (or anyone who's frustrated by my wandering isitacroworaraven? brain) just say something like
topic, hops...
And I'll get right back on board. I promise.
Thanks,
Hops
-
Hi Hops:
Hey, people up north where I live get excited and interupt each other with no mean intention and can have a great time.
It is just the extremes that are not so great.
That is very funny.... ENohlookatabirdFP. I am ENFP too and very very P so I love a creative go round and see what will happen kind of interchange with no boundaries.
And to everybody who replied thanks so much. Wow! that was really helpful and interesting.
Cheers,
Seastorm
-
Dont know if i am guilty of crosstalk but apologise if I do........ well done for being assertive. I hear what you are saying and will try to be more focused on the particular topic and start a new thread if it stirs something in me.
Hugs,
axa
-
Seastorm, what a great thread, so much in here, thank you. I hope this isn't a hijack but may I comment on a few things mentioned....
write: some things we have to learn to carry for ourselves even if no one else seems to be supporting us right now. It's that strength of being me regardless which I want to build on this year....I don't want to keep wobbling wheneevr circumstances do- I want to be the same me as a source of strength, my inner core strength and self
makes a heap of sense to me and sounds so strong Write. Good for you!
Mud: couldn't figure out how to do it without sounding like a big jerk
Do you practice sounding like that, like i practice it too? (and some days I think, today I might just be a big jerk for a few minutes and give folks a laugh, or even a diversion from being serious....so we can be serious with a lighter heart - if that makes sense!) Sending you love Mud.
Moon - so good to see you, just so good! :D
Back on topic....cross-talk and chitchat don't upset me, although i admit sometimes I can look for allegories and the like in chitchat where there aren't any and that can start to fry my brain :?, but hey, it's me that's doing the frying and I hope I know when to turn off the analysing and turn on the feeling. It's so difficult with written words, but I hope reading this you get a feeling of warmth and deep appreciation for a great thread. I got a lot from everyone who wrote here, thank you :D