Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: isittoolate on January 07, 2007, 09:51:13 PM

Title: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: isittoolate on January 07, 2007, 09:51:13 PM: Hi,
I am not as good at doing new things for myself, or even planning them. I don’t know why, or maybe don’t know how.

Am I afraid? Maybe! Am I afraid of change? I believe so!

Today the sidewalks were clear enough for me to wheel to the library and exchange my books. That was about an hour of fresh air and the only exercise I can do.

I am a computer addict and read much online. I have two sites book-marked, one on compassion and one on virtues.

It’s 5:15 Pacific time and I have not yet eaten. I never get hungry, so if I’m busy I forget. (about 6:33 when I finished.)

I also have not cried in 15 years. I feel very empty about everything and just take a day at a time, so to speak. Yesterday, I planned for the Library today, but that would have been all shot to hell if it had snowed overnight!

I haven’t driven out of town for 4 years. I tank my car 4 xs per year. I live on a residential street, the last before downtown begins. I am one block away from where I need to go a lot…banks, re work and personal, drug store, and post office, so I don’t need the car. I take it for grocery shopping.

I know this doesn’t sound very healthy for me, but I cannot bring myself to go out and join a bridge club (don’t play) or some other senior’s event, as I don’t feel like a senior. I have to pull my life together to get into the thinking of my age group. I feel like 30.

It is difficult for some people to hang around with a disabled person, since I require accessibility, and don't do bowling and dancing as before, and some places just aren’t accessible to me, or maybe the dining room is, but the washroom is up a few steps. Infuriating! I don’t feel like joining groups for disabled persons. I have done that before (4 different ones) and it never worked out, as I am so independently disabled and not a whiner that I just don’t seem to fit. But in one I was President and held down about 6 other positions to keep things going, one being the Fundraiser. When I finally resigned my jobs, the group fell apart. I don’t want responsibility like that now.

But that’s the story of my life. Where do I fit in? I certainly was the scapegoat in my FOO. I believe therefore that is where my insecurities began. However, living as I do, I am feeling much more safe and secure, than ever before, in my life... yet we all know it is an escape!

I just don’t want people to know about my dysfunctional upbringing, that I never married, that my daughter is illegitimate, that my family was ashamed of me for that, that her father committed suicide, that I sometimes drank too much when the pain was too much, that I still resent my siblings for not visiting me in the hospital (I was there a year) and my daughter changed from age 5 to age 6 and I think our bond might been broken, since my sister, who had her, waited TWO months to bring her to see me, in spite of all her crying and asking for me. I was furious and was paying her and writing regularly asking her to bring her—but to time it for when I was face up on the stryker frame, not face down. People would come and talk to the back of my head. Only 2 ever got on the floor and looked up into my eyes.

When son-in-law dismissed me and I no longer saw daughter or my 2 grandkids, this same sister would drive all the way to see my daughter, take the kids for the weekend etc. and I was furious and jealous—was she trying to take my place as the grandmother/mother? I lived not far away and these long trips for her….. never did she come to see me.

Two years after the estrangement when I went into a crying jag (OK—I haven’t cried for 13 years) I couldn’t stop and she, by happenstance, dropped in to see me. I was yelling like a crazy fool in the parking lot as I unloaded my groceries and threw everything into her face and told her to get out of my life and out of my daughter’s life. I went to the doctor the next day and went on Zoloft.

Sis is a kindly soul and never meant any harm, but she hadn’t seen how it hurt me. She came again to see me and we talked it out, but some things I never forget when they cannot be undone.

My mother, spina bifida, scoliosis, was finally in a wheelchair at age 47, 13 years before my car crash. My eldest sister told me that her husband couldn’t stand to be around mom, since he was so uncomfortable with disabilities. I suppose we have to watch what we say, as then I was disabled and avoided him.

Even my mother didn’t come to the hospital for 2 weeks and I was at death’s door for 6 days, but knew people! Wouldn’t you mothers out there go immediately to the hospital if your child was in an awful, disabling car crash?…….or was it her own disability?

Well my dysfunctional family drove me crazy……… and now I live 2000 miles away from them all. Brother and sister (the one above) are coming to see me in July. I am not ecstatic about that!

Why am I 2000 miles away? This is where the psychopath of my life brought me. He is a flaming Narcissist with criminal history…I now know… and he was after my money…and they can be called psychopaths, a P/N. Not all Narcissists are psycho but all psychos are Ns.

In 6 months I realized I fallen in love with a puff of smoke and it took me FOUR long years to get out! I did so in June of 2002, and here I am.

Why 4 years? I couldn’t find an apt. One had a sunken tub; one had an uphill trip to throw out my garbage. One I had to buy a fridge and stove (I didn’t want to own anymore than what I had.) Another I had to buy a washer and dryer. There was only one accessible apt available and it was magnificent for only $2000/mo.

Now I have one I can manage except I cannot close the bathroom door. That’s a lot of fun!!

I apologize that this is so long, but it puts together some of the things I said in my first post! Is It Too Late?

Izzy.. who lives with shame, then is all smiling and friendly with the workmates, but ..don't they dare ever try to get close! to me!!!
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: dandylife on January 07, 2007, 10:33:36 PM: Izzy,
You have been through so much. And without a support system. You have probably been told before about your amazing strength and persistence.

You have alot of wisdom to share with us and the rest of the world through your experience. Please keep telling us what you've learned, if you are willing.

I want to hear more about the one part you bolded - "Brother and sister (the one above) are coming to see me in July. I am not ecstatic about that!"

And you moved away because of the N (psychopathic?) in your life. You've had alot of trauma - being seperated from your child, having a traumatic car crash, being alone, all things you described are traumatic.

I am thinking about you tonight, and hoping that you have things in your life that bring you comfort, whatever they might be.
Dandylife
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: gratitude28 on January 07, 2007, 10:45:05 PM: Izzy, my dear,
To start with the end of your post, I was always the smiling and happy person at work. You'd have thought I was the Golden Girl (and most people did). Meanwhile I was angry and starting to drink a lot, even at a very young age. I moved far away from my family as soon as college was out and dumped the boyfriend... but you can't hide from yourself, can you? Met a great guy and married him and still managed to become an alcoholic. I disabled myself, as it were... and crawling out of that hole was awful and terribly hard at the end. None of us is perfect and we have all made grand mistakes. I am just giving you the surface of mine, but if you scratch a little, I am sure you can add in the rest. I can't change the awful things I did. And I can't change the awful things done to me. So.... I live one day at a time. And I now try to avoid the poison people. I still smile at work, because I think you should. But I don't roll over and let people take advantage of me anymore because I feel I need to please everyone all the time.
(((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))
So glad you are here.
Love, Beth
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: Hopalong on January 07, 2007, 11:46:12 PM: Izzy,

Thank you so much for sharing your hard, painful, but very inspiring story.
I am so awed by your courage and persistence and endurance.

I am staggered that your family abandoned you to the pain of your recovery. Words fail.

I don't even know what to pray to, but I am sending my best energy out to you, who so deserves some support.

You are an amazing human being.

Hops
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: isittoolate on January 07, 2007, 11:51:07 PM: Hi Dandylife
I appreciate your response.

It took me a long time to realize I was ‘on my own’ without a support system, so I became overly independent. (I don’t like it when someone grabs my chair and pushes me—like pushing me around—but that person is only trying to be helpful.) If I am not wheeling my chair I feel as thought I ought to be all slumped over, drooling on my shoes!!

Do I have a lot of wisdom, after all my wrong choices ….or just a messy life to share? I wonder how wise I was/am!

When I realized I was somewhat, close to, if not a person with, AvPD, I wrote a ‘private and confidential’ email to my eldest sister, 72, and I told her this was serious. Her response was as though she didn’t understand a thing and said that "life was like playing golf”. (She is very high up in the Ontario/Canada leagues.)”If you make a hole, you hold your chin up, you walk away feeling good and look like a winner. If you don’t make the hole, you hold your chin up, walk away feeling good and looking like a winner.” Oh great help to me!!!!!

Well F*** her!!!! That was no answer. I just couldn’t respond to that email and I think she notified my sister (the one who is coming.) All emails I received, after, are as though this eldest sister did not respect the ‘private and confidential’—she was a psychiatric nurse until she retired.—and probably said , “OMG She’s being dramatic again! Look at this!!!”

I moved away WITH the psychopath as I thought we were magic together—and who was I leaving behind? Only a family that never cared! (I picture it as a talk amongst them all as to who is going to look after me/take me in when I am 100 yrs old.—well ha ha on them. None of them will ever take me in!! I will do as I see fit! I saw his other side on the trip out here and was really disillusioned, embarrassed, humiliated, debased and petrified!

Yes, Everything was traumatic so I don’t really know how much damage has been done to my psyche.

Yet I am still good a website building and accounting, and assisting people in basic computer and other troubleshooting problems, I read a lot, and I write song lyrics and set them to music. I really have no time for my foo---yet the two are coming out. I have 7 months to decide what I might or might not say!!

Love
Izzy
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: isittoolate on January 08, 2007, 12:04:52 AM: Hi gratitude

No! No matter where you go, there you are! We cannot hide from ourselves.

“A sailor can change his skies, but not his heart”

So where do you stand with the alcoholism now? Have you quit? It’s a terrible disease!

The poison people, the toxic ones, are to be avoided! Completely! The Ns and the Ps

So I gather you have learned to be assertive? I have just started and it scared the hell out of me, but when I asserted myself, each time, I received an apology! I felt great and wished I had know this years ago! Learning how to say ”No”, so to speak!

I was relieved to hear that you, too, are little miss sunshine when it calls for it.....while no one knows your pain!!!

Thank you for your response and all the Hugs

((((((((((((((((((((((Izzy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: isittoolate on January 08, 2007, 12:24:26 AM: Hiya Hops

So you find my life story inspiring!?

Well I suppose so, since I am still alive! I never realized when these things happened, that I could ‘get away’, but I did and I was scared!

When I think back about how often I saw the family in that year of hospitalization, it appalls me. It was 37 years ago and I doubt they even remember, but my brother came to see me once. That sister brought my child in to see me once! The eldest sister, a nurse, came to see me every day, at first, opened, read my mail, and left. She stopped because she couldn’t stand to look at me. (I know that because she told my next oldest sister, who told me,) I didn’t need to hear that! What cruelty!!

I think I appear to be a survivor, but inside my head there are different thoughts than those expressed to me! It is somehow difficult to reply!

You can send me all the energy you have. I have housework to do!!!

Yes! I realize now that I have gone through life without a support system! Maybe I ended up in trouble because I had no one, or thought I needed no one??? Who knows!!

What I needed was guidance and structure, as a child.

Hugs to you(((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think for guidance I put the hugs around my name

Xxoo
Izzy
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: Hopalong on January 08, 2007, 01:10:16 AM: (((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))))

You matter.

We all matter, none less, none more.

Sleep tight,

Hops
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: axa on January 08, 2007, 06:11:31 AM: Izzy,

Thank you for sharing your story. The isolation and pain is clear in your posts. What I hear through it all is that you are a survivor. You did not give up. Encountering a psychopath............ to survive that is extraordinary. I believe it is never too late to live. It is not easy but it is possible. I struggle daily with having a life but I am determined to not let the Ns in my life steal my future, however long that may be.

Take care,

axa
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: Bones on January 08, 2007, 12:23:18 PM: (((((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I was thinking that if I were in your shoes, and my N relatives announced that they were going to "visit" me, I would probably respond in the following ways:

"If you are coming to see me because you love me, you can visit anytime. If you're coming to inspect my housekeeping, make an appointment!"

"oh, by the way, Nrelatives? Here's a list of motels and hotels you can stay at! I'm not the freebie family hotel!" :P I would LOVE to see the expressions on their faces for that one!!!!

Bones
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: Jade on January 08, 2007, 06:17:39 PM: Hi Izzy:

Two things struck me in your posts:

Quote
I realized I fallen in love with a puff of smoke
Sometimes I think this happens to me as well. But we need to love as well as to be loved. If there is no one to love we will create one.

Quote
I am still good a website building and accounting, and assisting people in basic computer and other troubleshooting problems, I read a lot, and I write song lyrics and set them to music.
Except for the accounting, this describes me as well.

Good luck with your struggles.
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: isittoolate on January 08, 2007, 08:13:44 PM: Thank you again Hops
and axa
and CB123
and Bones
and Jade

(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/mouse2.gif)

Now I'm going to begin a new thread of where my head goes from here.
Izzy
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: gratitude28 on January 08, 2007, 08:44:09 PM: Hey Izzy,
Thanks for the personal response. I am happily sober (3 years) and happily in love and adore my kids. Life has picked up and looked up.
I didn't mean to slobber on about my situation. I was trying to say that we've all done things that we are far from proud to have done :)
So glad you are here and so glad you are ready to leave the past behind and move forward.
You are a very strong person. You have dealt with disability that most of us would crumble if confronted with.
((((((((((((((((((((((((Izzy)))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: isittoolate on January 08, 2007, 09:22:27 PM: Hey gratitude,

You are welcome.

I felt your past pain and struggle, and the "little miss sunshine" facade! Congratulations on 3 Years!!!!!

I admire you so for getting out of the hole and gaining sobriety. I know others who have and some, very important to me, who couldn't hack it. One was my daughter's father who killed himself, after we hadn't seen him for 7 years. I was a farm gal and quite innocent, never knew what the struggle was, nor about AA. i just left him. I've seen other people hang in there and all works out well, but I did what was right...for me and for my daughter....leaving!

And you didn't slobber about yourself....more like I am doing it with my threads!

Unaccustomed as I am to public hugging, I meant
((((gratitude))))))))))))))))

instead of hugging myself.
(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Izzy
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: isittoolate on January 08, 2007, 09:25:12 PM: Thank you moonlight

Your posts are so gently written

love
Izzy
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: moonlight52 on January 08, 2007, 10:42:54 PM: Hello Izzy

I thought I was not expressing myself well

you have gone through so much

I just wish love and compassion to everyone.....

seems like life is just so hard .

my daughters best girlfriend is disabled and she is so strong and kind and through the hardship she has taught my daughter a lot.
although in high school one of the kids was mean to my daughters friend and my daughter almost popped her in the nose for being mean....

m
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: Bones on January 09, 2007, 01:20:43 AM: Quote from: isittoolate on January 08, 2007, 08:13:44 PM
Thank you again Hops
and axa
and CB123
and Bones
and Jade

(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/mouse2.gif)

Now I'm going to begin a new thread of where my head goes from here.
Izzy

You're very welcome, Izzy!

Bones
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: isittoolate on January 09, 2007, 07:16:49 PM: hi all,
I did announce that I was beginning a new thread about --What do I do now? It isn't taking off and now I am thinking I am a hopeless case! I don't know who I am, what I am, or what a 'normal' human being is supposed to be like. Therefore I hide and I doubt anyone else would be able to peel back the layers of 67 years to really get to the heart of my real self.

I can add this and tell you this is me at age 66 (Nov.05, when I bought my first digital camera.) I think my appearance can allow me to get away with being disordered, when I can be "little miss sunshine: to acquaintances and store clerks.

(http://www.copwt.ca/oldsweater2.jpg)

Izzy
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: pennyplant on January 09, 2007, 08:06:03 PM: Hey, Izzy, I for one would never guess you are 67!

I've been reading your posts with great interest. But I'm in a bit of a transitional period these past few weeks and haven't participated as much as usual. So, I read with interest but can't think what to say much of the time. If you think your threads are too quiet, well, that's just on the surface. Somewhere in the universe somebody, me and probably others, is pulling for you. And kind of "soaking you up" so to speak.

I keep asking myself that same question--what do I do now? Kind of have the N-thing figured out, the voiceless thing, the FOO thing. Kids all grown up, see friends once in awhile, but mostly leading a quiet life. Got to middle age without having much fun or many adventures. I tell people now that I'm getting tattoos instead of having affairs, tattoos are the only "adventure" I get to have. They think I'm kidding but I'm not. Then I was thinking, maybe I'm meant to be successful at work. I spend enough time at it. I'm sort of a manager in training now and it's mostly training by getting thrown into it. Seat of the pants stuff. People have told me all along, oh you'll go into management, you're so smart, blah, blah, blah. Well, it seems like another dead end of a path to me just now. It's not going so great, in other words. So, what's left for me to try? Do I even have any talent at all? It doesn't seem like it at the moment.

So, I don't think I can offer you any suggestions. You seem pretty interesting and lively to me. But I have noticed that often enough the rest of the world can't handle the interesting, lively people. The rest of the world seems to want predictable people, people they can easily categorize or maybe even people they can fool most of the time. Now, this place, this board, is a lively and interesting place. Really excellent people. I'm very glad I found it. It means a lot to me. And it doesn't have to be any more than what it is. I kind of think that 3-D life can't be any more than it is. It's bigger than me. It's bigger than any one person. I think Moon has the right idea about it. I just don't know how to feel that way yet. But I'm open to it.

Maybe that is my advice. Just be open to life. Maybe not so easy to do. But simple enough. I honestly can't think of anything else that would "work". I know that lately nearly all my "efforts" have been wasted energy thrown at the wrong things. When I'm open minded, and in the moment, and just concentrating on doing my best at what is most important at that moment, it works better.

Now to live by my own advice......

Pennyplant
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: moonlight52 on January 09, 2007, 08:45:19 PM: IZZY You are so pretty !!!! and kind I learned something new today well I have known it somewhere deep inside .....
I have found something that helps me not to go back and over my life over and over the losses....
and there have been a few.....I just stopped and gave myself a rest .....Sometimes I just get over loaded....

my dearest darling twin passed away in a sudden motorcycle accident we were 27.
Over and over in my mind Izzy I think how could I have stopped that day..How I could have changed it..

You can not know how glad I am you are here ....
do not leave you are smart ......and you have real good stories...
This board means so much to me and I hope you feel at home...

You are here and I do hope you will stay..Life I have found is as simple or hard as we make it
For so long I could not lift my eyes from the loss and missing my dear one so but I look around and now I see many dear ones...
I find I can look up now and be grateful for sharing love It is that simple now......
and the pleasure of looking up at a blue sky...

love to you
moon
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: gratitude28 on January 09, 2007, 09:29:45 PM: Hubba hubba Izzy...
You are very pretty on the outside too! :)
I had been thinking about sharing with you all as far as being faceless...
I have a myspace page...
myspace.com/beth52869
((((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: isittoolate on January 09, 2007, 10:19:42 PM: hi again pennypant, GS and moonlight

Thank you., all

"It is all done with smoke and mirrors." My doctor had a laugh at that, because he knew my age and said that if he hadn't known I smoked, he would never have guessed I smoked a pack a day because I have no wrinkles. (mirror for makeup) I said that I was never told that a smoker wrinkled so I just didn't wrinkle. SO many things about life I never knew. I smoke orly 6 cigs a day now as I am unable to quit for fear my face falls off?????? Just an excuse to keep at it, but hate the taste now!

Shame--just a reminder from my other thread--

"As a result, the person feels helpless, powerless, worthless, and, overall, less than human. There is a profound feeling of being undeserving of anything better and of being incapable of attracting loving, caring partners, which often dooms the person to a life of unhappiness, suffering, and self-condemnation. Having been profoundly criticized throughout one's childhood usually leads to an exaggerated striving for perfection."

moonlight. I am so sorry to hear about your twin. I understand that many twins left on their own feel as though a part of them is missing-- how about you? I do feel at home here, if everyone can accept that I will not be 'cured' overnight. (I've even planned on dying alone!)

As I said on the other post, I thought I would share to see if I saw something different! I wonder if I am truly sane? Well I believe so, as I finshed the capitalization of the assets and emailed the Balance Sheet to the two (Co-) Treasurers this morning.

I liked your post PP. I. too, recognize the workings of the foo and the P/N and the difference in personlaities of siblings depending on birth order, my voicelessness, but feel I am missing a step, or not recognizing something very important, or putting it together correctly....one big messy jigsaw puzzle.
GS. will check out your myspace!!
Love
Izzy
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/vinebor.gif)(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/vinebor.gif)(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/vinebor.gif)(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/vinebor.gif)
Title: Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
Post by: moonlight52 on January 09, 2007, 10:35:53 PM: Izzy

thank you for the question at first when my twin passed away
I felt like I was no self without him

It took years until I could take our precious memories and just keep them in my heart with me and it was OK
when my twin was alive sometimes I would stand in front of a mirror and I would be combing my hair and
he would stand next to me and we would talk to each other in front of the mirror ...
I takes great trust to do this with someone.....I also understand more about what happened in my family .....

I believe maybe I have two choices to either hold resentment in my heart or hold love there.For being human I guess we have all made mistakes....
to forgive ones self can release shame and self doubt and when we hold negative feelings we only hurt ourselves no one else
I believe this is true...

Also there is nothing to cure maybe....

love
moon