Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on January 16, 2007, 11:11:55 AM
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A couple of weeks ago I posted that things were much improved with my Nish mother. Oops, spoke too soon.
Those little passive aggressive antics are sneaking in again. Wish she could articulate what is bothering her rather than subtly sabotaging me. I want to overcome my "reacting" to her and respond with love but boy do I have a long way to go to get there. Meanwhile I'll keep practising or try to be willing to be willing to respond differently.
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GS
When those little barbs are sent out you feel them in your gut. Why not focus as the observer on yourself when your Mom calls. Every time you feel a barb just watch what is happening to you, really focus on yourself, forget about her. You will find your answer in yourse.f
xxx
axa
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Great suggestion. I know that you are right. The answer is definitely with me. I'll try that suggestion. Thanks Axa.
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Hi GS,
Another method:
Mother: "Barb.....aggressive antic.....subtle sabotage....blah blah blah etc"
GS: "Well, mother, I must be going now. Gotta go pumice my heals. TTYL. Bye." click. phone off hook.
An exit might not be the ultimate reaction but is useful in that it stops you from responding verbally .....keeps you from taking the hook, so to speak. You can then examine your reaction and think up ways you'd like to respond in future.
Also, totally ignoring the hook by acting deaf and changing the subject:
Mother: "Barb.....aggressive antic.....subtle sabotage....blah blah blah etc"
GS: "You know mother, I was thinking of pumicing my heals. I find it's something I need to do now and then. Do you know where I can find a good pumice stone?"
And see her reaction ( :D might be entertaining to boot!).
When all else fails:
The......you must be kidding response can work:
Mother: "Barb.....aggressive antic.....subtle sabotage....blah blah blah etc"
GS: "Oh mother! (giggle, choke, spit), you can't be serious! (ha ha ha). You are a riot sometimes!"
Not exactly lovey dovey communication but sort of happy go lucky, light and bubbly stuff and most important it says: "I'm not biting".
Here's an interesting link:
http://www.psytalk.info/articles/narcissist.html (http://www.psytalk.info/articles/narcissist.html)
Sela
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I love that Sela. Thanks. GS
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HI GS,
I have an Nmom too and I understand how annoying and frustrating this type of behavious is. sometimes I feel up to dealing with it and sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I give absurd answers. Sometimes, I end the conversation. It really depends on my mood. I guess that the key is not beating yourself up about how you may have handled it at the given point in time. After all why should I care about my responses. It won't make a difference to the N's behaviour anyway!
Lib
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no it won't make a difference to the N only to us. GS
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How about:
Oh my god Mom, QUICK, turn on the TV! (click).
Hops :twisted:
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Great ideas. I would add though, that if you are like me, GS, sometimes you get caught unaware. I said on another post that I was telling my mother my husband got a new bike and she came back with, "Are you gonna ride the old one?" (Mean, teasing voice... meaning I wouldn't/couldn't be as sporty as him). I sputtered back that I didn't like biking and was going to the gym. Now why the hell did I need to justify that???? I even told my husband about it and he said I should have just turned the conversation as you all so astutely noted... but it truly took me a bit to realize what she had done...
You know, I read back through the things I tell about her and it is even hard to see where they are mean. Tehjy are so damn subtle it is hard to prove and almost makes you look silly repeating their words.
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LoL Hops.
Gratitude - that's it. Last night she kept my son while I went to a book discussion. She gave him dinner on a tray so he could watch TV. They got into a fight because my son spilt his juice on the tray. She was holding the tray up and he was trying to grab his fried chicken. She was screaming, "No. Stop" in such an indescribable tone. He was yelling back, "I want my chicken!" I jumped up and intervened.
I tried to explain to her that she was the grown up and that yelling was not the way to discipline him or to stop his behavior. But what got me was how quickly I flashed back to my childhood when she did that to my brother's and me. Most of all it helps me understand that she has no concept of how to talk to a child. It is really bizarre to witness and next to impossible to describe.
But the question I keep asking is, "Why do I react so strongly? What keeps me hooked in?" I am keenly interested in getting to the point of not reacting. That's my goal.
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That's what I want too GS. It's hard to overcome those emotional reactions. My mother also is terrible with the kids. They are OK as long as they are being cute. She does the same thing with them that she does and did with me... she will set down food and then reach over to rearrange something. Or move their glasses back or some such thing. I react to that too. I am respectful of my children, and rather than invading their space, I ask them to move their glass or please be careful or some such thing.
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It is so weird to read your post Gratitude. how glad I am to have found this place. I can't get over, after all these years, fiding people who not only empathize but who actually have had experiences so similar to my bizarre experiences. I just love this place!! Thanks so much for sharing. - GS
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Wow CB, you have been surrounded by wretchedness. I am astonished as how well you are already doing. What was your father like? - gs
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Dear GS,
I too use to think if there was a slight improvement in behavior in my husband or mother that all was well....that is our nature, we wouldn't have survived all the abuse if we weren't hopeful. Eventually we must put aside the hope that the situation will change and we must change. The way we react, how, when and where we expose ourselves to the "N's" in our lives. We can only control ourselves and our reactions to the bad behavior. Loved everyone's suggestions!
A turning point for me was when I realized that I had spent my entire life hoping someone else would help me get out of the abusive situation I was in, things changed the day I realize only I could save myself.
GAP
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Gap,
BINGO BINGO ... hope you don't mind a little fiddle...
Eventually we must put aside the hope that the situation [or THEY] will change and we must change. The way we react, how, when and where we expose ourselves to the "N's" in our lives.
thanks for this.
Hops
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"A turning point for me was when I realized that I had spent my entire life hoping someone else would help me get out of the abusive situation I was in, things changed the day I realize only I could save myself."
How very true. I am surprised at how difficult it has been to give that hope up. I must still get past the inherited perfectionism that I have recently term "impossiblism" because he would create such restrictions that an action simply couldn't meet all the restrictions and so couldn't get done. That's what I gots to get past. - GS
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ed
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CB, the reason I asked is that it occurred to me one time when you were being a little hard on yourself that you had suffered not only with an Nh but LONG before that with your own family of origin. When you posted about your mother I was curious about what your father was like. In time, after you have make sufficient progress in processing your relationship with your husband I suspect you will want to begin to process those early familial relationships as well.
You say, "I don't know how well I am doing. I think I have worked on the positive affirmations for so long that I mostly believe them. I still feel as though every day is a struggle."
But I can see the strength and determination in your writing. Each post you are dealing with an issue, processing it and moving forward - sometimes an inch, sometimes a mile and often somewhere inbetween. You have been through so much!!! And of course you have difficult times ahead but when I say that you are doing well I mean that you are on a good, solid path out of the darkness. I don't mean that I think you are out of the troubles but that you are doing very well in the process to get out rather than to stay in.
The rest of your post is a perfect example of the remarkable gift and strength you demonstrate. You state the problem you are dealing with and give an example and then, amazingly, you get to the solution, IT HAS TO STOP. I am amazed and jealous of your remarkable ability to see one issue at a time and clarify what needs to be done and then do it. It is a remarkable ability!! And I believe it will serve you well. When you feel you can't go on, just look back and see how well you have done.
In spite of my best intentions, I have a very hard time seeing the reality of what is my responsibilty and what isnt.
I try too hard to make up for my H's poor parenting and I end up stretching myself too thin. I got a big wake up call (bit of a pun) two nights ago, when I tried to schedule too much for the kids on too little sleep. I ended up driving home from a very long distance with them, on slick roads--trying to compensate for my poor eyesight and lack of sleep. They didnt know how dangerous I was on the road (and I didnt either until I was too far into it to do anything about it except keep on going). We made it home, but very nearly didnt.
I realized that my foolish behavior was all built on my sense that I can never do enough to make up for what I've put them through. It was so ridiculous that even I realized it. I am through with that and am going to actively get to the bottom of it. This isnt about H--this is about me. It's the reason I put up with his outrageous behavior as well as why I am doing what I am now. It has to stop.
I fervently believe that you all will help each other. I have said that before and am just amazed that you all are spontaneously doing this. There is a healing nature inherent in your core family. I can't tell you how remarkable this is. This is where my hopes are for myself and my son - to have a full sized family filled with love and support and encouragement. I am truly happy for you all.
"My youngest is on visitation this weekend and another son is getting ready for a professional dance production. But I had four home this weekend and we had an amazing conversation together. Altogether in the evening, talking about what we had learned about ourselves in the course of the separation. What they had realized about the truth of their relationship with their dad. They did most of the talking. It was the first time we have ever done anything like that together. Their insights were incredible, and I could see that they were helping each other--much as we do here. It was a bright spot in my week."
I admire you CB. You are a remarkable model and inspiration to me as you find your way in the darkness. You will get to the other side. You will. And so will your precious children - each and every one. - I am so very glad that you are here. - your friend - Gaining Strength
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Thanks, GS. That was so encouraging. :)
And thanks for the hugs, Stormchild. You can never have too many hugs!!
CB