Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Stormchild on January 23, 2007, 11:57:47 PM
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This is yet another book review, from the same reviewer I quoted about The Bad Mommy Taboo.
This time the book is "Heal and Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse". Here's a link to the book on Amazon -- http://www.amazon.com/Heal-Forgive-Forgiveness-Face-Abuse/dp/1577331583/ref=cm_cr-mr-title/103-8963896-4470255
and here is a link to the review, titled: "A Must-Read For All Victims Who Feel Pressured To Forgive Prematurely"
http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A2B441NYQZ261/ref=cm_pdp_profile_reviews/103-8963896-4470255?ie=UTF8&sort%5Fby=MostRecentReview
"Heal and Forgive is the best book I've read in a very long time. As the director of Luke 17:3 Ministries for adult children of abusive, controlling or abandoning birth-families, I would be hard-pressed to come up with a more helpful book to recommend. It is unique in its perspective in that it teaches the reader that sometimes it is okay, and even necessary, NOT to forgive. It is a page turner right from the beginning, gripping you with Nancy Richards' riveting and disturbing story of her sadistic stepfather's violence and relentless abuse of herself and her brothers, and her mother's complicity in the abuse and complete refusal to protect her children in the slightest way.
Even more distressing is the author's account of her attempts to protect herself and her brothers, and to stand up and speak the truth about the abuse, which resulted in her treacherous mother convincing anyone who would listen that she was a liar and troublemaker with mental problems. There is a twisted episode in which her stepfather was finally going to move out, but her mother told the then 12-year old author to ask him to stay. He did stay, and years later the mother blamed her daughter for controlling her marriage (at age 12!) and making her husband stay when she could have been rid of him sooner.
Long after the evil stepfather was gone and the author was grown, her mother continued to expose the author's younger brothers to repeated abuse from a string of other losers she became involved with. Nancy Richards tells, in heart-wrenching detail, of her attempts to protect her younger siblings, to get anyone to listen to her or believe her, and to somehow maintain a relationship with the mother she still loved and the rest of her family.
But, in a scenario disturbingly familiar to many abuse survivors, her mother managed to convince most of the family that Richards was the problem, and to turn almost her entire family against her, including the brothers she had tried so hard and sacrificed so much to protect. The denial, betrayals, and blatant lies as the family protected the abusers and scape-goated the author will ring true with so many of us.
And then the author was left to embark on the path to forgiveness, with absolutely no remorse or repentance from those she was pressured to forgive, and not even any validation of her traumatic experiences. At each stage of the process, she faced renewed pain with every new revelation, such as the realizations that her mother was the one who betrayed her the most, and that her mother really never loved her.
Throughout her long and difficult journey to forgiveness and recovery, the author has many valuable insights which she lovingly shares with us. The most important insight, which is the main premise of the book, is that healing needs to come FIRST, BEFORE forgiveness. We usually feel pressured to forgive prematurely, by family and friends, therapists, and society in general. But forced forgiveness is not always possible, and is certainly not healthy.
The author teaches us that forgiveness is a process that begins with healing, and needs to include other elements as well, such as validation, anger, grief, and protection. In the process of her recovery, Nancy Richards read other author's works, which helped her to understand these truths about forgiveness, and she quotes from them in her book. When reading Heal & Forgive, one gets the sense that the author is not just writing about her own experiences, but is doing all she can to present a well-rounded and informed picture that will help other abuse victims as much as possible. She opens her heart to us, and shares her innermost thoughts and every feeling she has that might validate our own feelings and help us on our road to recovery.
The book is an easy read, and I was able to finish it in a few sittings. It was a hard book to put down, and I hated to walk away from it in the middle of the story without finding out what was going to happen next. It was a lot of food for thought. Nancy Richards does all abuse victims a favor when she teaches us that sometimes no matter what we are willing to do and how hard we are willing to try, it is just not possible to have a relationship with some people. We understand how important it is to stand up and tell the truth- to others and to ourselves.
When we realize that someone we love doesn't love us, the truth can be so hard to bear, but it is still the truth, and denying it doesn't change anything. We learn that sometimes we need to make the choice to walk away from a toxic relationship. We feel validated in learning that it is alright NOT TO FORGIVE evil people, and that releasing ourselves from the pressure to forgive gives us the freedom to heal. Only after we have healed will we be able to come to a place of genuine forgiveness.
After reading Heal & Forgive, I admire Nancy Richards for her courage and determination to heal and lead a life of peace and happiness despite her birth-family's rejection, and I am appreciative of her sincere efforts to encourage the rest of us and validate our experiences by sharing her story. Her triumph over the devastation and heartache inflicted by those she loved is an inspiration to anyone who thinks they can never get over the pain and be happy again. I urge all those who have felt the knife of a loved one's betrayal in their back, or who feel pressured to forgive before they are ready, to read this book. It is a must-read for any survivor of birth-family abuse."
This is amazing stuff... and coming up at an amazing time...
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Storm,
I was talking to the minister where I volunteer and she was telling me that she is going to be attending a conference on "Han" (could be "Hon"). This is a word that is a pain so deep we do not even have a word for it in the English language. The conference is going to be about this kind of pain and how the religious community has gotten so focused on forgiving that it has forgotten to address the victims. What are they supposed to do with the pain? Just forgive? This just seems terribly inadequate. Healing is a process and forgiveness is at the tail end of that process.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post.
ANS
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Storm,
This is amazing stuff... and coming up at an amazing time...
Certainly is 'the right time and the right place' 'doing the right thing'. Many thanks for your posting.
Leah
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Storm,
Thank yo for posting this. I have started anew thread on forgiveness. I do not want to forgive because I know me and hand in hand with that would go compassion and he presto there I am hooked in again.
I see part of MY problem is that I forgive too easily. I want things to be ok. I do not like being angry with people. I do not like having this bloody problem of xn hanging over my head. Part of me wants to forgive so badly. But that is what got me onto this board. I forgave unforgivable behaviour. A person with good boundaries would have walked so long ago but I kept forgiving, making excuses, trying to make things work. I think Ns seek out "forgivers" well who else would stay with them.
I belive I and maybe others here need to be very careful who we forgive. I think maybe our forgiveness would be better used on ourselves rather than people who knowingly, wittingly abuse others.
What I want eventually is to come to a place of understanding, nothing more. It was not ok to deceive and abuse me and it never will be. I want detachment, indifference to XN but heck I am not interested in forgiving. Somehow, it seems to me I am saying, if I forgive, it was ok. IT WAS NOT OK AND IT NEVER WILL BE OK.
Part of my healing and growth is about looking at my pathological need to forgive those who try to destroy me. To be a "good" person. I need to wise up
axa
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((((((((((ANS))))))))))
((((((((((leah))))))))))
((((((((((axa))))))))))
i have to run, am late heading out, wish I had time to figure out how to say this better... you all inspire me. hope you know it. hope you can feel it. hope it somehow brings good to you too.
(((((((((())))))))))
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Here's a link to a post on forgiveness (a sermon that helped me think about it):
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=2673.msg43869;topicseen#msg43869
Hops
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I love paradoxes.
The wonderful paradox that lies at the heart of both Nancy Richards' book and Sister Renee's very informative review of it is this:
Once the pressure to forgive prematurely [i.e., the pressure on us to force our healing process to conform to externally imposed expectations and timetables, purely for other people's comfort] is removed,
we can accept what has happened to us,
see it - and the people involved - clearly and realistically,
see ourselves - and the ways in which we have been injured - clearly and realistically,
actually heal,
finally detach,
and then....
genuine forgiveness comes as naturally and inevitably as the sunrise.
:cool: :-) :cool:
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... and on the subject of pressure to do ANYTHING prematurely... here is a quote from Warren Buffett:
"No matter how great the talent or effort, some things just take time: you can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant."
... :-)
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Wow, Stormy,
As usual, you brought up just what I needed to hear WHEN I needed to hear it. And this goes right along with what ANS said to me... I'm just gonna have to wait for the right time. I know this is not the right time, because the emotions and ideas are too fresh and raw now. I am still on very wobbly footing and there is no need to take a big jump until I get some even ground.
Now, if that wasn't the biggest heap o' lame cliches I have ever written... But they are true (tho not very original :))
Thank you all for a super thread and for the answers. Thank you storm for bringing up the subject and copying the review.
Love, Beth
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:oops: :oops: ((((((((((beth)))))))))) :-)
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CB
I wonder. Are we, in all of this, calling the next step in our healing by the wrong word? Should we call it forgiveness? Is it really something closer to acceptance? Acceptance isnt a two-person dance. You can do it all by yourself. It's an unblinking look at reality, knowing that it may never change but that you will be okay regardless.
Now this makes sense to me CB. I think you are right I want to be in a place of acceptance. This I think will free me. The acceptace of the evil of XN and my collusion in staying in an abusive relationship.
It is letting the other person off your hook because you accept the reality of the situation.
No No No I am not interested in letting him off the hook. Accepting the reality to me means I atribute the wrong doing in the appropriate place. I never want contact with XN again. Much of my collusion in the relationship was because I did forgive, understand that he had such an abusive childhood he was acting from that. This is true. So did I have an abusive childhood but I made choices and so did he. I accept that he is a dangerous, evil, person and while I can grow from this situation I do not condone or forgive his abuse. I have no doubt he will do exactly the same again to another. I accept this and feel great sympathy for his next victim.
When you come to the end of forgiveness, you have wrestled your place to an unshakeable rock. When you come to the end of acceptance, there is no end--you have to come back to it over and over and over again. That seems to be where you are.
I do not forgive my Nparents. I accept they did what they did because they did not know another way. Is this about language I wonder. To forgive to me means I forgive you, its okay. For me this has I believe, been part of my problem. I have been so bloody forgiving and able to let go that I have some form of magical thinking that it will protect me from being abused again. I need to remember. It is only by remembering my suffering that I will not end up with another N. I wish I could talk to you because I really would love to get more clarity on this.
I don't know, Axa. I'm wrestling with everything you are. A call to forgiveness can sometimes be used by the abuser to continue to bludgeon his victim.
YES YES YES
I dont discount the need for forgiveness, I just dont know if it's the next step for us.
I really think CB I need to forgive myself for being back in the mess again. I think I have been forgiving the wrong people all my life and been so hard on myself. I MUST DO BETTER, IF I WAS NICER/KINDER/MORE UNDERSTANDING ETC things would have been different. I am not sure what I am talking about right now, just ranting. I dont want to be angry, I just want to be free and it feels to me that forgiveness is not my path to freedom, more like acceptance.
Thank you for this. It has stirred me up, made me angry, cry and I thank you for the challenge. It does help to get clarity...... though I am a long way off at times.
xxxAXa
CB
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Storm
Once the pressure to forgive prematurely [i.e., the pressure on us to force our healing process to conform to externally imposed expectations and timetables, purely for other people's comfort] is removed,
This is what I feel all around me. LET IT GO. This is for others it is not for me. I think when I get through the process and come to a place of not caring, forgiveness will not be an issue because XN will not be an issue. I will have worked through the pain of the wounds of abuse. I cannot say I forgive because it would be a lie. I do not. My lack of forgiveness is what is keeping me safe and not having contact with him. I know me. I know if I started to forgive right now I would hook back in. My lack of forgiveness is my armour.
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cb SWEETIE,
I didn't think you were giving me a hard time. Obviously my anger came across in my post. My anger, annoyance whatever is directed at XN and sadly sometimes myself, though I am working on this.
I agree with so much of what you say. I find that each day I feel a bit different. Some days I feel as if I have left so much go, feel free, happy, top of the world and the next day I can be so angry, stuck, etc. Guess it is just a cycle. I am aware that each time I go into the angry phase I am hurting myself because it does hurt me. WHen I am in my being present, joyful state XN cannot touch me. I believe there is something here for me about choosing what makes me happy and well and saying good bye to abuse and victimhood. Part of me is still hanging onto the latter. Feel like I am telling you all the truth here and feel embarressed that some part of me wanted to be the victim. I wanna be free as Freddie Mercury sang.
axa
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Minnie Riperton had a gorgeous song about wanting to be free, and I can't find the lyrics online. Here's the next best thing:
Don't Let Anyone Bring You Down
(M. Riperton - R. Rudolph)
I'm not gonna sing the blues
Cause I don't wanna cry
I only wanna be as free as the skies
Don't let anyone bring you down
Say what you wanna say
But I've got it right
And I aim to feel this good the rest of my life
Can't let anyone bring me down
Hey look at me
I want everyone to see
How happy our lives could be
How happy we could be
That's what I'm doin' here
Singin' my song
I just wanna make you see what you knew all along
Don't let anyone bring you down
[For folks who don't know who MR was, she was the lead vocalist for Rotary Connection, and she had the kind of voice in the '60s and '70s that Mariah Carey is famed for. Those HIGH notes! Sadly, she's no longer here among us, but her voice - that VOICE! - remains.]
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Hi Storm,
Try http://www.lyricsfreak.com (http://www.lyricsfreak.com) for any lyrics - tend to find what I am looking for there, and, looks like they have all of Minnie Riperton's songs.
Leah
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Thanks Leah! :-)
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Hi Storm,
I like Minnie Riperton's song lyrics, can't recall hearing the song. I do know 'Lovin You' which was and is a beautiful song.
Did she sing " I just want be free " ?? I have that song buzzing in my head now, but no idea who sang it, it was a similar slowww song.
Leah
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Yep! She sure did. I think it was on Perfect Angel, which is also where 'Lovin' You' came from.
I'm absolutely sure that Carey listened to Riperton - or her voice teacher did. Carey uses a lot of the same techniques, like the incredible high notes at the end of "Lovin' You'...
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Thanks Storm,
Been googling and it's been driving me nutty trying to find it :) Yes, I agree, think Mariah Carey modelled Minnie Riperton. Appatently, Minnie Riperton has quite a following amongst today's music lovers, just seen that she features highly on YouTube, with comparisions to Carey.
Off to get the lyrics for "I just want to be free" now!!
Leah :)