Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on January 25, 2007, 07:15:56 PM

Title: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: gratitude28 on January 25, 2007, 07:15:56 PM: HI Everyone,
I thought it would be really nice to have a thread to mark our progresses. Some of us have been here a long time, others of us are more recent members. But I think we have all seen growth while here. What have your main accomplishments been?

Here are some of mine:

I have realized that I do not have to be "the good daughter" and keep up communication with my parents. They do not notice if I am not consistent. The removal of this guilt has been so lightening.

I do not react to provocation from my boss, my mother, etc as I did in the past. I am not internalizing their prods as much and can see them as THEIR problems more.

I am taking better care of myself physically.

I am making decisions without worrying how my mother will react (i.e. choosing where we will live next).

I am able to step back and look at situations with the tools you have laid out here and make some wiser choices before I go in...

These are a few, and they look little, but they feel HUGE.

What are your steps forward???

Love, Beth
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Stormchild on January 25, 2007, 07:51:24 PM: Oy...

I no longer have abusive relationships in my personal life, but I certainly can't say the same about my workplace.

I'm trying to find a way to get the level of abuse down at work, but it's a major thrash, for sure.

Today I set a boundary, even if it did involve walking out. I can't say I did it perfectly, because I did act out verbally to an extent, but nowhere near as badly as I have been acted out against - without provocation or justification - for years.

I'm going to keep pushing. I owe it to myself not to accept abusive treatment anymore, and not to let people hide behind deliberately uncorrected data to justify dumping excess work on me, and so forth.

It won't make me popular, but you know what? Popular schmopular. I don't care. Popularity and 75 cents will get me a can of soda - IF the machine is working -

Edit in: shoot, I'm not popular NOW, am I, or I wouldn't be dealing with this garbage. So I really have very little to lose. :shock:
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: gratitude28 on January 25, 2007, 07:59:49 PM: That's my new motto then, Storm!!!! I LOVE it. And I needed that image, 'cause that's about where I am right now too... tho not in the work sphere :)

Love, Beth (with 67 cents in her purse ;))
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: pennyplant on January 25, 2007, 08:22:06 PM: Most of the negative tapes are gone from my head.

I successfully disengaged myself from my last N, thanks to this place.

I'm learning to be more forgiving of myself.

Learning to be less judgmental in general.

Can now recognize my emotions more accurately and let myself feel them.

Have learned not to be such an overly responsible, over-achiever.

Other areas of improvement are still just seedlings. But if I did all of the above in just under a year, then I think there is more to come :D .

It is pretty amazing how many of us have been helped so substantially by this place. I know I still have a long ways to go. But I feel hopeful much of the time now. I'm liking myself better than I used to. This feels pretty good to be able to list anything at all on this thread! Thanks for bringing it up, Beth.

Pennyplant
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: isittoolate on January 25, 2007, 10:35:23 PM: hi

I cannot believe the difference in how I feel since I arrived here just THREE short weeks ago! (I had to go back and check and I sounded like I had given up.)

I am happier.

I have reached 'closure' (by a strange method) with my N sister.

I feel like I have a 'family' here.

Everyone is an inspiration and I have promised myself to take heed with every post!

xx
Izzy
Oh I just 'learned' how to enter my signature with a picture and now I see it in every post LOL :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Hopalong on January 25, 2007, 11:26:07 PM: Beth,
What a beautiful idea. Thank you.

I came here over a year ago, asking for advice about loneliness.
It has been a recurring theme in my life. I did a "sermon" about it 20 years ago, another last summer.

I am less lonely.

I know there are empathic ears in the dark. Kind strangers who become friends.

At night I come here and greet friends, am taken out of myself by others' stories, and find I am as comforted by extending compassion as I am by receiving it.

The world is less cold.

There is hope where there is sharing.

When I feel lonely, I can write to someone. Right away. Reaching out to grasp a hand.

I am so convinced of the reality of these people and this help that I will never feel indifferent to parentheses again.

This board has proved all of that to me, and I am deeply grateful.

Hops
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: axa on January 26, 2007, 08:36:40 AM: CB

WAS THAT YOU IN THE PHARMACY--------------------------FANTASTIC I AM SO IMPRESSED. YOU SOUND SO ADULT AND WONDERFUL AND REAL.............WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CB WELL DONE

I am so impresssed with everyone so far WOW WOW forever.

I have thrown a toxic abusive Narcissist out of my life.

I have stopped contact with an abusive Narcissist

I have painted several paintings

I have climbed a mountain

I have stopped smoking

I have stopped drinking alcohol

I am training to run in a half marathon

I have found a wonderful new community of friends.

I trust that whose who respond to me here do so with my best interest at heart.

I have secured some work

I did a wonderful interveiw today - lets hope I get the job!!

I have learned that I am a lovely, vulnerable, strong, kind woman

I have learned that underneath the layers I am such a joyful person

I learned that I punish myself

I learned that in an unconscious way I wanted the abuse

I learned I in an unconscious way I wanted to be a victim because it was familiar ground for me

I learned I am responsible for my happiness.

I learned that I need to lighten up a bit

I learned sometimes I talk too much

I learned that I am so grateful to you all

I learned that in the world there is love and such empathy.

I learned that I must say NO the minute the confusion appears in a relationship, no more being "ms understanding".

I could go on and on.

Thank you, thank you all

I HAVE A VOICE

I AM HEARD

AXA
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Hopalong on January 26, 2007, 09:43:41 AM: Oh CB. Thank you. Wowsers.
I wonder if you'll go back there sometime and see if he's changed?

And oh Axa...can't thank you enough for this one:
I have learned I must say No the moment the confusion appears in a relationship

I know what you mean but have never heard it so succinct...that is awesomely helpful to me. Thank you!

Hops
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Brigid on January 26, 2007, 10:41:57 AM: I have learned:

Setbacks are temporary--fight through them and I will once again be heading forward.

To treasure my friends and let them know that I do.

That life can change on a dime, and don't ever take happiness for granted--it is a gift.

That toxic people are better left behind if at all possible--or at least diminished to the smallest amount of my time necessary.

To view life as a journey with many turning points which create new experiences--both good and bad--but being mindful that lessons were learned from those experiences that need to be incorporated into my collective memories.

That I still have many fears, but by digging deep inside myself and having faith, I can be strong enough to overcome them. But also that it is OK to occasionally not be strong and ask for help if I need it.

That life really can be fun and exciting at age 56. I have never felt as confident and secure about the image I portray, before in my life.

That I have been a good role model for my children and they are proud of me.

Brigid
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Sela on January 26, 2007, 11:07:07 AM: What an inspiring bunch! I love hearing about your progress!

I think I've moved forward some too.
I've accepted that I must stay disengaged from my abusers.
I've resisted contacting any of them and mainly because of this board and the people here and because of what the sharing of experiences, thoughts and feelings has taught me..... that my abusers are not likely to change for the better or become aware or even behave anywhere near "healthy" toward me. The only way to escape their abuse is to stay away from them. My instincts made me do that and this board helped me stick with it.
I've accepted that there is nothing I can do to make my abusers "healthy" or to help that to happen (but I still want it to happen. I still want a miracle. So I'm not cured yet. I still pray for that.)

I've given up feeling like a victim (and I've learned the value of being in that mode and experiencing the feelings ....which I believe is an important part of healing). I've learned it's ok to be a victim and necessary and that it's part of grieving.....at least for me it is. Also, that it's something I can choose to move through and past....must move past, in order to feel better.

I've processed my anger and expressed it in healthy ways but more so....realized that my anger is really my reaction to feeling hurt.....sad......rejected......betrayed. And once I allowed myself to feel hurt, sad, rejected and betrayed....my anger dissipated like steam off of a boiling cauldron.

When I first came here, I said I wanted to get the joy back in my life. That's what I really felt robbed of. I was happy and had a good life before what happened happened. My story is too shameful too talk about here. I learned that. Even so...the guilt I was choking on.....was not helping.....not proportional. And even though very few people here know my story......I recieved so much support, so much kindness, so much encouragement, so much validation, so much caring......that it truly planted new seeds of joy in my heart, tiny wee hardshelled seeds, that softened up and have sprouted and grown and are now beginning to leaf up. I'm truly feeling much happier again and looking forward to much joy!

Thankyou all so much. Now I just want to give some of that joy back.

:D Sela
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: towrite on January 26, 2007, 11:23:04 AM: "An unexamined life is a wasted life" ... Plato

I have been a participant here for only a short time, but I have learned so much from all of you. My progress has been learning that -
- with an N mother, it has been devilishly hard to recognize N's in my life; it was so ingrained and I took it for granted "this" was normal
- I am worth more than the "guise of love" with abuse just below the surface
- I am the one who loses if I don't call it "abuse"; I always tried to make excuses for the N, believing it was me, my fault
- I must open myself up and reveal who I really am if I want the healing help of others; I kept myself locked up tight b/c I never before believed anyone out there would accept me without severe judgment

Thanks for asking this important question.

Towrite
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: CB123 on January 26, 2007, 12:13:20 PM: Welcome, towrite!

It takes awhile to feel safe enough to open up. You were raised in an unsafe environment where you learned to be self-protective. It's hard to know how to "read" a situation and determine if it is what it appears.

Take your time, and talk about what you can. There's a great bunch here who will support you in whatever you feel comfortable talking about.

CB
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Dazed1 on January 26, 2007, 11:20:35 PM: Committed to improving my self by undoing damage caused by codependence and Nism.

Establishing healthy boundaries in all relationships and in every aspect of my life.

I am trying to be conscious of my unconscious.

I am trying to consciously become aware of the feelings which underlie my thoughts.

Trying to detach from my emotions so that I am not imprisoned by emotions.

Believing that my energy flows where my attention goes.

I have turned on my N radar and when detected, am avoiding Ns in all aspects of life. When I encounter Ns, I will interact with them in a conscious manner.

I am becoming aware of my denial and projections and identifying the denial and projections of others.

I am listening to the voice within, my subconscious.

Trying to appreciate each day, each moment as if it were my last. Living in the moment.

Committed to identifying abuse and never again accepting abuse.

Committed to discovering my needs and satisfying them.

Replace negative tapes with positive ones.

I didn’t cause it, I can’t fix it and I give it up to God.

The only person I can change is myself.

Not hoping for the hopeless, excusing the inexcusable, seeking mercy from the merciless (thank you Stormy)

Realize that pain and fear underlie anger

Being conscious of red flags and not overlooking, making excuses or minimizing them

Listening to my body and being aware of what it’s telling me

I am thankful for the good things in my life

If I need help, I should ask for it

I’m stealing this from Brigid and will incorporate it into my life: To view life as a journey with many turning points which create new experiences--both good and bad--but being mindful that lessons were learned from those experiences that need to be incorporated into my collective memories.

I’m stealing this from Towrite & Plato: The unexamined life is wasted

Thank you Beth. This has been a cathartic learning experience. We've all come a loooong way, baby!

dazed
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Stormchild on January 27, 2007, 12:29:21 AM: Hmm. Encouraging day at work, some hope of progress there.

Thinking about progress elsewhere:

1. Best is having given myself full permission to disengage, to any extent necessary, from anyone, when red flags are flying. Especially when folks who fly them try to keep me engaged. With detachment, it really is possible to tell when someone truly wants to resolve something, as opposed to when they just want to keep another person 'hooked'. The difference in affective tone is obvious!

2. Next best is having given myself permission to disengage without needing the other person - or anyone else in the vicinity, even - to understand what exactly I am doing and why. That simple decision snaps the 'hook' right off. People who want you enmeshed are always going to claim that they don't understand why you disengaged... that it isn't fair... that you're not giving them a chance... and it's malarkey, they just want you to stay within arm's reach so they can whap you around without having to strain anything to get to you.

When someone genuinely wants a relationship, their focus will be on you at least as much as on themselves. On what you need and feel, at least as much as on what they want. All by themselves, they'll do this.

3. Next after that is the rediscovery - because I knew this in my 30s and forgot it, somehow, for almost 20 years! -- that a lot of meanness, distortion, manipulation, provocation and vindictiveness that human beings visit on one another comes from nothing more complicated or mysterious than unacknowledged, unrecovering alcoholism or substance abuse. Major note to self: from here on out, when I see people twist, turn, distort, provoke or incite, look for booze, or 'dry' booze, before I draw any other conclusion. There may be nothing more mysterious there than a mean drunk or a mean dry drunk, who hasn't yet realized it.

4. Equally significant is the flip side: people who have been through alcohol or other chemical dependencies or survived other forms of abuse, and bottomed out, and had to break denial and come out on the other side - are often the healthiest most honest people in the room / building / block / town / state / country / planet. When your life depends on being honest with yourself and you finally, totally know it, there's precious little time or inclination for games.

5. Which means that... to disengage from people, even completely, doesn't mean to write them off forever. It means: getting yourself far enough away to be safe, until the other person becomes safer to be around. Because sooner or later they just might, if you only leave them enough room to do it.

:-) -- I like! :-)
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: seastorm on January 27, 2007, 01:55:38 AM: To all of you kind and gentle people who listen in the dark and really hear when someone cries out from their shame and pain.
This has been so precious to me. During the first few weeks after my N left and went off with another woman I felt my heart had been ripped out of me. At times I felt suicidal. I wrote down my experience here and told my story. The encouragement, validation and information sharing that i got back was amazing. From this:
I stopped thinking that N would magically change
I learned about narcissism and the attending behaviours
I made sense of the terrible chaos in my life
I got a good lawyer and started sepatation
I stood up for myself
I chose not to go back to an N boss
I realized that some of my friends were a lot like my N mother
I chose to surround myself only with people who love me.
I started exercising and hired a trainer
I started to believe in myself and get some confidence back
I found support here and it saved my life.

Sea storm
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Gaining Strength on January 27, 2007, 09:15:45 AM: Surprising ly I am having a hard time posting here and a hard time putting my progress into words. But here is a first try.

I am FINALLY beginning to identify and heal the unconscious self-hatred and expectation of failure.

I am able to identify what I need and to open my heart to it and find it. For example - I needed validation and I went a got a computer and found this site and tuned in.

I am helaing inside out - physically with exercise and diet and spiritually and emotionally with prayer and sharing.

I am identifying N behavior and FINALLY learning to not take it personally.

I am learning to implement my understanding that if I need love or patience or grace that I must give that.

And I am learning to feel and use my power.

Most significant on a day to day level I am learning to touch my fear and heal it with love. That is changing my eveyday life in very real ways.

Through Voicelessness I have come to believe that I can have friends and relationshp and have developed a confidence about myself that has been present but overshadowed by my fears.

Thank you for this marvelous thread and thanks to all for the miraculous place. It continues to give me indescribable hope, courage, inspiration and confidence to see REAL changes in my life day to day. That is nothing less than a miracle and I am profoundly thankful. - Gaining Strength
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Overcomer on January 27, 2007, 09:49:13 AM: I have learned to stand up for myself.

I have learned to be more assertive.

I have learned to handle rejection.

I have learned I am too negative and need to replace my negativity with optimism.

I have learned that I am a good mom.

I have learned that I am smart.

I have learned that I am better than my nmom at what we do.

I have learned to be direct.

I am learning to like and love myself.

I am learning that I deserve good things in my life.
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: pennyplant on January 27, 2007, 01:53:18 PM: My story is too shameful too talk about here. I learned that. Even so...the guilt I was choking on.....was not helping.....not proportional.

((((((Sela)))))) I'm so sorry about this.

And even though very few people here know my story......I recieved so much support, so much kindness, so much encouragement, so much validation, so much caring......that it truly planted new seeds of joy in my heart, tiny wee hardshelled seeds, that softened up and have sprouted and grown and are now beginning to leaf up. I'm truly feeling much happier again and looking forward to much joy!

And I'm so happy about this!!!

Love, Pennyplant
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: pennyplant on January 27, 2007, 02:00:03 PM: Wow, I so admire all you guys. I feel like a slowpoke with my progress, BUT, I know it's okay to go at my own pace. I have learned that and so much more here. I truly cannot imagine what my life would be like now if I had never found this message board. It makes me feel real hope instead of the false and fantastical hope I was addicted to my whole life.

Pennyplant
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Sela on January 27, 2007, 04:27:53 PM: Thanks (((((((Penny)))))))

Sela
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: moonlight52 on January 27, 2007, 05:09:56 PM: Stormy

Your rediscovery is my FRIST time discovery....................

Quote from: Stormchild on January 27, 2007, 12:29:21 AM
2. Next best is having given myself permission to disengage without needing the other person - or anyone else in the vicinity, even - to understand what exactly I am doing and why. That simple decision snaps the 'hook' right off. People who want you enmeshed are always going to claim that they don't understand why you disengaged... that it isn't fair... that you're not giving them a chance... and it's malarkey, they just want you to stay within arm's reach so they can whap you around without having to strain anything to get to you.

This discovery includes understanding my self. I know now the only way for anyone to heal is to engage in healthy relationships that does not mean the "others" that you are not in contact with are bad or to blame for say my problems. It is just no one can heal in unhealthy environments . This what codependency means.
I know what are the healthy relationships and the ones that are not....

Number 2. without the French Fries :D
moon
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Gaining Strength on January 27, 2007, 05:41:00 PM: Quote
It makes me feel real hope instead of the false and fantastical hope I was addicted to my whole life.

Me too and I can now distinguish between false hope (desparate hope, hoping for something but really fearing it wasn't possible) and genuine hope (hope that becomes a goal that I can actually work towards even if I'm not sure where to put my next step.) - GS
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: pennyplant on January 27, 2007, 06:19:00 PM: hope that becomes a goal that I can actually work towards even if I'm not sure where to put my next step.

Oh yes, I think this is where I am just now. Step here, step there, step where, or not at all at the moment? I'm not frozen but my head is kind of full and a little dizzy. A mixture of residual fear and self-pity and untrustingness. Mixed up with the new parts of I'm really okay and was okay the whole time. Dammit.

One aspect of firming up inside and having done some real "becoming" is this very awkward stage of old mixed with new.

Today, I was gloomy, giddy, angry, sad, hurt, outgoing, funny, serious.... and that was all before lunch time. I felt disrespected, cared for, betrayed, normal, pathetic, confident. I spent some time in a car and thought I might let the sad-hurt part come to the surface but I didn't want to wreck my mascara before I had to get back to the office. So, I sat with it and let it simmer. Then came the normal-confident feelings. It was a whirlwind of emotions.

Progress though. For sure. But hard to know where to step, right?

Keep going, that's the thing.

Pennyplant
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Hopalong on January 27, 2007, 07:00:35 PM: PP,
You're amazing.

:D

What a wonderful, lucid, alive voice you have.

(I think Tammy Faye Baker looks great when she cries. I'm serious! I'm actually very fond of her.)

((((PP))))

Hops
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: pennyplant on January 27, 2007, 10:16:14 PM: Thank you, (((((Hopsy))))). I don't think I'm N or anything, but sometimes I just like to hear something good about myself. Not all the time from everybody, but it feels good in the right dose!

This morning when I was at work (I've been on an assignment for about 5 weeks now and am at my regular job on Saturdays and every other Sunday) one of the guys who I consider a friend and a fine person, came in the door and did a double take when he saw I was there. And he looked really happy to see me. That felt good. Especially in comparison to some of the behavior I witnessed in others. Behavior that made me feel really disrespected and not valued. It still just doesn't make sense to me that this place where I usually work does not value genuine contributions, hard work, good quality work, etc. But for the most part that is how it is there. The best workers and the finest people receive the least amount of respect and favor. It's hurtful and counterproductive in my opinion.

So, to hear your kindness reminds me of how I felt this morning at work when someone I like and respect was glad to see me. Something to hang onto when nothing else makes sense. This board is very good for that kind of thing.

Pennyplant
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Gaining Strength on January 28, 2007, 01:05:49 PM: I figured something out this week. The way healing works for me is this.

1)I figure out what is working against me, e.g. as a child, mistakes weren't allowed so if I got something right on a second or third try my success was ALWAYS met with, "yeah but don't forget what a lousy job you did the first time." There was no getting past ANY mistake.

2)Identify what is not working for me today. e.g. Not getting things handled in a timely matter or not getting them done at all.

3) Identify the emotions attached to the overall dread fealing that has plagued me my whole life and that stands in the way of progress.

4) Connect the dots between these three things. Each time I do I am able to find a technique to work on that problem and overcome it. And then I have to start again on another similar problem.

I have just done this with yet another huge issue. Even though I have made progress that HORRIBLE dread feeling has not gone away. It has lessened and is somewhat bearable but it is still there. Then somehow I realized that the issue of always having any mistake I made drug up to put me down has been hugely responsible for the "paralysis" that dominated my life when I first came. And I developed an affirmation this week to address that DREAD each and every time it crops up. It is working. And I am thankful and will continue to apply it with patience until it is stronger than the DREAD. This will really help me move from hiding from to bad to moving forward toward to good.

Each time I slip into barely conscious self-condemnation I start the affirmation and I feel the tension drop out of m shoulders and stomach. It's is impossible to really describe how life altering this could be. Hating who I am and how my life has been going has been a terrible way to live. Feeling like a walking bundle of potential while completely impotent to access that potential has been demoralizing - to say the least. Thanks for letting my post this here. iThis has been an issue of shame and grace.- Gaining Strength
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: Stormchild on January 28, 2007, 02:40:50 PM: ((((((((((GS))))))))))
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: debkor on January 28, 2007, 03:10:46 PM: I learned that I was not at fault for abuse that was put onto me.
I have learned that I was at fault to let it go on further.

I have learned that it felt easier to ignore my own feelings so I would not have to deal with my own down falls, my own weakness.
I have learned it was OK to acknowledge that I have them.

I have learned that I set up my own destiny.
I have learned to change it.

I have learned it's OK to make mistakes.
I have learned to be very careful of not making the same.

I have learned that I need to grab onto a helping hand.
I have learned that I must also extend mine back.

I have learned that the majority of people are good.
I have learned that I have picked and embraced some that were not.

I have learned I am responsible for my own happiness.
I have learned I am not responsible for others.

I have learned to stand up for myself
I have learned to walk away.

I have learned there was always good in my life.
I learned I sometimes chose the bad.

I have learned I get tired. I have learned to rest.
I have learned not to shut down.

I have learned that I'm a lot tougher skinned then I though I was.

I have learned to listen to myself.

I have learned that I was listening to others but not really hearing them.

I have learned that trying to help other people when I should have let go was in a way trying to heal myself.
I have learned to let go!

I am learning to heal.

I have learned I am growing as a person.

I have learned that I will always be learning.

Love Deb
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: gratitude28 on January 28, 2007, 07:18:29 PM: CB... YOU ARE A GODDESS. Thank you for the pharmacy story!!!!!
Love, Beth
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: gratitude28 on January 28, 2007, 07:21:10 PM: AXA!!!!!!!!
You are setting a great example for me!!!!!! When I see people here like you who have decided to make the chnages and grow, it spurs me on to do the same!!!
Thank you so much!!!
Love, Beth
Title: Re: What Progress Have You Made?
Post by: gratitude28 on January 28, 2007, 07:31:18 PM: Brigid,
As usual, your words are so clearly stated and make sooooo much sense!!! Thank you for putting the ideas into words and making it so clear how to go forward with life... even with the ups and downs.

Sela,
No matter what has happened in your life, I know you as a caring, seet, smart and loving person. Who can beat that???? There may be a day when you will be ready to get the horribles out... and I think then you will know that you are really healing. It takes so long to be ready to deal with some things. I adore you and am so happy you are here. Just seeing your name makes me smile.

PP,
The negative tapes are SUCH a huge thing!!!!!! I didn't know what that meant for the longest time. But it feels so good to "catch" them and tear them into pieces.

I am reading through this bit by bit. There are so many fabulous ideas and areas for growth here. I just want to absorb them all like a sponge and keep going!!!!!!