Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: pennyplant on January 28, 2007, 10:28:46 PM
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A few things have gone wrong lately at work and it has triggered some depression. Before Christmas I got a chance to work in another office as the Officer in Charge. It is a learn on the job method of getting into management. The first couple of weeks were really, really hard. I struggled every single day. It didn't help that the person who I am filling in for had left the office in a huge mess. Made it very difficult to even see what needed doing let alone learn how to do it!!!
But I got through that time period and the fog cleared and I started learning things. I have learned how to ask for help more often. I have learned how to focus better. I started to get my confidence back and became truly interested in doing a good job.
Then I heard the rumblings from back in the old office. They were going to bring me back. I knew my co-workers were complaining that they had to work too much over time because of me. They couldn't go home early on Saturdays because of me. So, I thought that was why I was going to be short-changed on my new assignment. Then a friend called and asked me if someone had complained that I got the assignment even though I was not on the official OIC list. Who would make such a complaint? I knew right away who it might have been. One of the sometime psychos I work with had gone out of his way to talk to me about my assignment and quizzed me about how I was picked for it. You see he had previously served as OIC in that office and had considered putting in for it when it opened up two years ago. I honestly thought he was just interested in what was going on there with me. Boy, did he fool me.
If I had any doubts that he was the one who complained, they vanished yesterday when I saw him at work and he avoided me like the plague. He is one of the most selfish employees there who frequently goes on extended sick leave for no reason, or when he's pouting about something. He has left fellow co-workers in the lurch many times through this method. This is the person who complained about the unfairness of me receiving this assignment. He is not on the OIC list either. He gained nothing by complaining and ruining this for me. Just the satisfaction of hurting me. Someone else entirely is being asked to take over for me. She isn't on the list either. There probably isn't even any list anymore since staffing is so stretched the last few years.
I feel betrayed out of all proportion to what was done. I have been dwelling on it all day today. At work, when one of my friends stopped in with the snacks for the week, I talked to him about what happened and ended up having to go in another room and cry after he left. I feel so trapped. I tried this in order to get away from the place for a while and also to see if it was a career path I wanted to pursue. Both nipped in the bud for now. I feel betrayed. Management and upper management didn't even tell me what was going on. I heard about it through the grapevine and from upper-upper management. To my face, they act all concerned. "We support your employee development and will find you more assignments and better ones....." Liars. The one who told me that catch phrase is the one who is replacing me with one of her proteges from her previous unit. She doesn't support me because I'm not the right nationality or right personality type. Everyone new who comes through immediately pegs me as the energetic, hard-working one, the one who can be used in order to spare the favored ones from having to work too hard. If they have to work too hard they will complain loudly and stress the managers who hate to deal with the whining and complaining. "Just make it stop!" seems to be their motto. If I do more than my share and don't complain, then that will "make it stop!" Very useful in that way to management. I'm far less useful to management if I'm away and "developing" my "career".
Some of the people I work with have been putting up with this nonsense for 20, 25, or 30 years. There is real anger in them for this long term, institutionalized disrespect. I know it is not only me. It isn't personal. I know this. But to see how entrenched it is. I have no illusions that it will go any better for me than it has for those who have gone before me. That is part of what makes me feel hopeless and want to run away. If others before me haven't been able to solve these problems in 30 years, it is unlikely that I will be the first one to invent the new wheel. It is part of the system there. It is the basis for everything, this institutionalized disrespect and unfairness. If there isn't a class of overburdened and overused hard workers, why the whole damn thing will just collapse!!! But there will not be any revolution there. There is only my best boundary of "me not being there." And that was taken from me. I have to go back. I have to work around them, rather than them cooperating with me. I have to listen to the liars and do as they say and watch losers rule the roost.
Yesterday, when I ran into someone else who is in another office and is being allowed to pursue her long-held goal of management, I told her what happened and she said, "You always get screwed." Her comment and her good fortune to have a real mentor just brought it all up for me. Every crappy thing that has ever happened to me seems to be tied into how I feel about this right now.
I don't even want to go back to my assignment tomorrow. It seems pointless now. All the hard work, all the effort to learn difficult things, the extra responsibility, all seem like burdens now that all I am doing is tying up loose ends and making the place nice for the next person. It was really hard for me to take this on. My self-confidence has been way underground for years. I had just started to let myself think that maybe I really could do this and learn these things and someday, when I had enough knowledge, then maybe I would want to apply for my own office. I knew I didn't want to rush it. But I started to think I wanted it.
And having all this to concentrate on took my mind off some of my troubles. Now my troubles are back in the front of my brain again. Today I was going to attend a work related ceremony when I got done with my shift. I had known N-co-worker might be there, but thought I could handle it. But when I woke up this morning, I dreaded the thought. So, I slogged through my day, and wasted time so I would be too late to attend. I'm in a weakened position now and knew I could not, in fact, handle seeing N at all. It feels like I have back-slid to almost a year ago in this feeling of dread of running into him and having the badly hurt feelings again. I had been thinking of N very little these past few weeks and started to feel strong about it. This weekend I don't feel strong about it at all. I feel ill.
This is quite a jumble I know. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride anyway, but for most of it, it seemed like I was going to have a good result. Growth and progress. Then this slap in the face. A series of slaps actually. I haven't mentioned half of what I have seen and felt. I just feel completely the outsider. Completely B-list. What is wrong with these people I work with? Not all of them. But far too many of them. I really want to cut and run. I don't see it improving to my satisfaction. What am I doing living and working in such a N-Vortex? How do I get out of this? I'm really ready to be done with it.
Pennyplant
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Well, Penny, if I get everything correct here, I would say that the main issue is that your management is lacking balls, cojones or whatever you want to call them. If they are willing to back down to a whiner who complains because he doesn't have a job he wants... and he's not even a prime employee to begin wiht... then there is a major breakdown...
This reminds me of an evil neighbor I have. No amtter how nice I have been to her and her kids and her husband, she adores waiting for a moment to stick a knife in it and wrench it around. At frist I thought she was nice (I din't usually make big mistakes with people, but I did here...). Her latest little jab was to ask how we got a four bedroom apt when we only have two kids... Never mind that it is basically a hovel and the oldest housing you could imagine... Of course, she tells anyone else who will listen that we were in some way favored... in fact, she does this with everything every day. And. like with the lovely man in your office, I don't know why. I have decided she is an unhappy, mean person and just can't lift herself up any other way. But lately I want to stand in front of her and just ask her, "Do you know you are an incredible BITCH???"
So, Penny, the main thing now is... what is the solution??? First, you didn't lose anything by learning new skills. In fact, if you decide you want a new workplace, you can nicely work those new skills into your resume and interview. Use it or lose it, baby.
Another thing I would say is that if you do want to go into management, you will have to grow a thinck hide. People get more jealous and mean the more they see you move up. That won't ever go away, no matter what compnay you are with.
(((((((((((((((Penny))))))))))
I am ordering you to go to Barnes and Noble (because I love it and I can't) and take a book of Foxtrot or Zits or Calvin and Hobbes over to the coffee tables and get a nice big cappuccino.
Love, Beth
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Oh ((((((((((Pennyplant))))))))))
dammit dammit dammit
what a bunch of loser creeps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They don't deserve you
and you CERTAINLY DON'T deserve them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(((((((((())))))))))
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Pennyplant -
I don't know what to say but I want to let you know somehow that I hate what you are going through. It sounds horrible. I hope that you will find a way to turn things around so that you have a job that rewards your hard work and determination and that gives you as much as you give it. I don't know how you are going to get that but I pray that you get a vision of how to get it.
My heart is with you today and tomorrow. Your friend - Gainging Strength
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Yes, Beth, I think it is crucial now that I make some decisions about what I really want here. You are correct, a major problem here is the ball-less-ness. It is rampant in my home office. Before I came there, ironically enough I had specifically wished for thicker skin. I had just come off a bad work situation and felt that if only I could just "take it" better I'd be fine. And so I got what a I wished for, a brand new situation where every day I have to practice the skin thickening technique.
But I think there comes a time when you have to re-assess. Just how much of "who I am" should I go about getting rid of, or covering up, or whatever. That is where I am right now. I see it clearly. Everyone there had to go through this. Well, everyone except the bullies. And they have been a very creative bunch as far as which coping skills they have selected. Some have selected laziness as their artform. Some have embraced their anger. Some have become prima donnas. Some have left. Some whine. Some have fortunately grown deaf. I was thinking of picking that one. Seriously. What you don't know doesn't hurt you. Those are the happiest people. The ones who just don't hear 90 percent of it. " Not being there" was my version of being deaf.
I think, what would I be doing if I really could do whatever I want to do? I would be going to the librar and researching books I want to write. I'd be doing creative things. I'd have way less bills so my paycheck wouldn't matter.
It's a real puzzle for me.
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Hi Stormy,
I have to think you're right and so many of them are losers. And they are dragging me down to their level. My feelings of weakness are making me vulnerable to this. Making me into prey. Exactly like when I was a child. I see it so clearly. This is my childhood all over again. I can't believe I had to live through something like this as a little child with absolutely no tools, no support, no protection. Completely innocent. Blind-sided almost every single day.
I'm not so innocent now, but I'm so comletely disappointed. I'm surrounded by people who are as beaten down as my parents were, pathetic creatures who offer nothing because they have nothing. Sometimes I sense that they think, well, why should you have it good? I wasn't good enough to be treated well all these years, what is so great about you that anybody should treat you well, that I should go on the line and defend you? I understand that feeling because I have had it too.
It's just a vicious cycle. Self-perpetuating.
It reminds me of a saying I once heard, or really a riddle. What does every slave want? You might think the answer is "freedom". But it is not. The answer is, Every slave wants a slave of their own. Every slave really wants to be the master.
I'll be back. But right now I have to get ready to go to work.
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Pennyplant, our situations are so similar I could scream.
I'll check in with you later this evening.
You are right; nearly everyone who has been abused and oppressed, if they are damaged enough, can't imagine any other form of success than to abuse and oppress somebody else.
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This is my childhood all over again. I can't believe I had to live through something like this as a little child with absolutely no tools, no support, no protection.
This is the key Pennyplant. You get to do your childhood over. This time you are NOT powerless. This time you get to protect yourself and take the necessary steps to do so. This is a very important healing opportunity not a terrible work situation. It actually is a gift of healing and you will thrive when you have protected yourself. - GS
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We always begin to hope and to trust and they make it their mission to cut us down to size.
This is what hurts so much, CB. I don't want to become completely untrusting and paranoid because of things like this. But I must become much more cautious. I can't believe I let that particular co-worker fool me as to his motives. He has proven time and time again what he is capable of. His actions are the reason why his own career is not heading upwards and onwards. It was very naive of me to give him the benefit of the doubt. I will never do that again for sure.
Well, it's their loss. You are going to take away with you everything you learned--all the new skills and all the new confidence. They will reap none of the benefits--particularly if you take your new skills and your new confidence and bless a new workplace and employer with your abilities. Perhaps you should.
I promise to keep this in mind. When I went in this morning (I have this office for one more week, then I will spend two days with the new person helping her to get acclimated.) In spite of how drained and disappointed I feel, it still felt natural to go about my duties and planning ahead for the tasks I need to finish before I leave. It didn't feel like a burden at all like I expected given the situation. So, I did learn a lot and did grow a lot. I have changed for the better.
Yesterday I was feeling bitter and pitiful. I felt like giving up my goal. Today I think the best "revenge" will be to start filling in that resume. Now I have something good to put on it. My current boss may not appreciate my potential but maybe I will meet someone from another office who will think of me the next time this kind of opportunity comes up. I don't need the people who don't appreciate me but maybe I will find someone who does.
I really did learn a lot because of this.
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It actually is a gift of healing and you will thrive when you have protected yourself. - GS
GS, I promise to remember this as well. This one was an especially difficult gift to receive. It seems like a lot was involved. Many different kinds of hurts. Even when I was feeling at my worst yesterday, I knew I had friends. Both there and here. And my husband let me be and gave me quiet support. So, I can't say I am alone and on my own with it.
I have to get back to work and will post tonight.
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I really did learn a lot because of this.
This is the attitude that will drive you towards the good working environment. All my life I have "licked my wounds" and unknowingly become more and more bitter because things did not and were not working out. I didn't understand that it wasn't me but that it was the particular circumstances and that if I had changed the circumstances and looked for a better fit then I could have flourished instead of withdrawing and withering. Now I am determined to go about it all in a whole new way and I can see that you are finding a whole new way to work in a productive and nurturing environment. It will get better, Pennyplant. - your friend - Gaining strength
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Hi Penny,
Ball-less-ness is my favorite new word :) :) I LOVE it! It is also what MY boss has. Talks big... no follow through. In my other jobs, everyone looked to me to be the person with cojones who had to deal with the tough stuff (and not for better pay or respect, but just cause they didn't wanna, and I have some sense of justice...).
It's funny you mentioned deafness... I didn't put it together, but I think that is what I have been contemplating in my subconscience (sp?). To tell the truth, I get a bit paranoid when my ears start picking up anything about me. I know one of my neghbors talks about me when she can... I now know that my mother and sister do this (and I don't know how far-reaching it is). I like to believe that people like me, but I know there will always be those who don't... So I think you are right on about the deafness... and that I too need to take that on.
Penny, if you are not happy at work, I am more than sure you can start looking and it won't take long to find something else. Sometimes I just don't know if one job is better than another... it's another of my big life questions. I think we should all be independently wealthy and live on our own islands...
Take care and tell us what happens...
Love, Beth
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Hi Penny,
One thing, just one I'd disagree with, Penny: that this isn't a big thing. It's huge, to have the rug pulled out from under you, to get hit with so much institutionalized cowardice, B.S., and injustice just because it's the easy way out for those 'in charge'. You're right, it's not about you, but that doesn't make it any less a gut-wrenching undeserved betrayal after all your hard work.
Would it be out of the question to take the bull by the horns and try to stand your ground ? If you are of the wrong nationality is there discrimination involved in this decision? Also, I believe, if you're 40 or older, you're in a protected class and sometimes a reminder that you know and understand the implications of that fact can be all it takes to back management (especially gutless management) down.
Just thought I'd throw that out there. When you're feeling squashed, sometimes standing up for yourself can be powerful medicine.
Take good care,
Jaysee
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I was thinking throughout the day about why I feel so angry about this--I actually feel different physically. It seems like that time I had to take care of a customer who turned out to be the one who orchestrated much of the neighborhood harrassment I endured as a child. I could feel a volcano erupting in me that day!
Today I feel drained and somewhat raw. It feels like I was assaulted. I think what has happened again is that childhood anger was tapped into. More than the injustice of it. More than the betrayal. It is all the dozens and dozens of times as a child that I was left dangling in the wind, unprotected, ignorant of what was really happening, ignorant of any recourse I might have. I had to bottle up a phenomenal amount of immature, raw anger. The constant, no-win, rock and a hard place situations I faced day in and day out, at home and in the neighborhood and in school. It's all still in there!!!! I wonder if child-anger is different in some way from adult anger. Purer, maybe. Or is it different because of being bottled up?
Last night I felt completely demoralized about having to go back to my assignment because it seemed pointless. But today it felt good and safe to be there. I still feel very, very susceptible to triggers. Certain people are sure to trigger me. I need more time away from them. So, it is good to have my little office for another week and a half. I feel so vulnerable now. Another feeling I probably had to bury as a child.
It's funny that now I have told people about what that co-worker did, I feel kind of detached. I have no desire to tell him off. I don't care what he thinks of me. I don't care why he did it. Clearly it is about his own scary little brain. I just caught his attention because I happen to have something he wanted once. Maybe that was what was going on in my school and neighborhood. It is possible there really were that many troubled kids in one neighborhood.
About the deafness. One of my friends at work is actually partially deaf. And I have noticed that he can skip over a lot of the crap because he doesn't actually hear a lot of it. A couple of years ago, I got a transfer within my office but to another job. My old job was not filled and this created a huge outburst. I was not working the day it was announced. I knew I would be scapegoated even though it wasn't my fault. I told my deaf friend, "They will blame me for this."
The next day he happened to be at the right angle or whatever and actually heard what they were saying about me and told me, "Were you ever right about those guys, I can't believe people can be so cruel." It just so happened that this time I was the one who hadn't heard what they said. So, I was able to continue about my business blissfully ignorant. I could feel the icey atmosphere but hadn't heard the specifics. My friend however, was a little shocked because he had heard it. I can only imagine what they said about me. But I have always remembered how much easier it was to go about my business with some ignorance.
I have had a lot of problems with confidence over the years. I have never been employed anywhere that challenged me in a good way. Plus, we have always lived paycheck to paycheck and it felt too risky to make big employment changes. The times when I have actually tried to put together a resume I have gotten too scared to really do anything with it. And at this stage of the game, there really isn't much there that is impressive. I'm not up to speed on things. But within my company, there is a wide variety of jobs and units. Just now thinking I could really make a change at some point. I want to work where I'm treated like a person with value. My office doesn't do this. Maybe another one will. Or another type of job entirely within the same organization.
I don't have to take it anymore. At any rate, I'm not going to hook into the games the losers play. That is my next resolution. To stay out of their games. I'm sick of these kids.
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You know, Penny, I am hearing you give up before you try on one thing... applying for a job. It requires confidence, and with your skills, you should have confidence.
Here's the deal I have figured out about jobs (and you know how it is w/the military, girl, we get to start new ones A LOT):
1) Whatever they list as requirements can always be slanted to your advantage... If they say they want a BA in management with experience in retail... Well, I have a BA in Blah Blah from Bla Blah University. I learned so much. Loved it. And my management skills are great b/c I worked at Blah blah and got so much experience (doesn't have to be the truth... just needs to sound good).
2) Whatever skills they desire, you wither have ''em or can poick them up easily: Well, although I don't use Access on a regular basis, I have used so many applications and am very qquick at picking up new skills. Computers and I get along...
3) As long as you have some background/work history, you can make it look good on a resume. Just work it into how it will help the new company.
Penny, I would be glad to help you w/a resume and interview techniques. I never get turned down for a job... I always make sure I really want it before I get hired.
What do you think??? Or do you think it might be more comfortable just to shut out the dorks???
Love, Beth
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One thing, just one I'd disagree with, Penny: that this isn't a big thing. It's huge, to have the rug pulled out from under you, to get hit with so much institutionalized cowardice, B.S., and injustice just because it's the easy way out for those 'in charge'. You're right, it's not about you, but that doesn't make it any less a gut-wrenching undeserved betrayal after all your hard work.
Thank you for this, JaySee. Even my customers are appalled that I am being pulled out so soon. They like me already and it doesn't make sense to them what has happened. It just seems out and out foolish to them. It is also funny how many of my co-workers already know about it before they have talked to me. It's kind of a touchstone event, for now at least. I'm sure something will come along soon to top it. It won't be long. But that should tell me something.
I should clarify my "nationality" comment. I think maybe I should have said ethnicity. Maybe someone else can define it better. Basically, where I'm from a lot of people are Italian and Polish. They tend to live in their own neighborhoods and have kept some of their culture. They were relatively recent immigrants and many still remember the discrimination that met them here throughout the 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. Though my family is also relatively recent and therefore not one of the old families that bought up the land in the 1800s and became the establishment, I am a WASP. So, when my boss is bonding with some of the employees over deli meats, breads and Italian cookies in her office, and some of us are running around doing the work and basically not really understanding the need to break bread at work at 2pm every afternoon, it just occurs to me I might be better off if I could understand this particular cultural thing. It seems like I have to work harder at being "in". I'm just not much good at that. It's just hard to see the boss going out of her way to feed pizzelles to Salvatore and speak Italian comfort words with him, when he is one of the nutsier people I work with. Pretty sure I can't file a discrimination claim about it, though. Maybe I should just eat the cookies, hmmm?
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I think that's something I run into too... not "hanging out" at work too much. Maybe because of the authoritative tone in my house, work was always supposed to be a place where you did a good job, were pleasant, and got what you needed done. Socialization was OK in the context of a meeting or such. I remember when I left my job in Italy, one of my "superiors" asked me, "Aren't you even going to miss the school at all." The fact was, I did and do miss it, but somehow I can't show too much emotion at work. I always figure people will know I like the job/work/coworkers just by my dedication and willingness to do what they want/need. I don't know if this is a character flaw or a good thing.
Eat the cookies if they are yummy, Penn.
Love, Beth
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It requires confidence, and with your skills, you should have confidence.
This is the thing, Beth. I should have confidence, but I don't. I really, really don't have a lot of confidence. I think I used to be able to cover that up. But one of the things I have noticed about myself the last several years is this strange weakness in me. Or maybe it is fatigue. I feel kind of like a waif. Other people can pick up something else about me and tend to assume I am confident. Some people resent me because I seem like something that I know I am not. When I was first hired where I work, people immediately said oh, you'll go into management. I didn't understand how they could say this. I was hired as a temp. I made half the money they made and did all the grunt work. I mean I got filthy and sweaty. I didn't understand anything. But I tried to. I made sure to learn my job. I seemed inexhaustable. That is from my point of view. Nobody has ever told me what it was they picked up about me right away. Maybe it is the way I talk. I can sound like I am knowledgeable.
I always make sure I really want it before I get hired.
Okay, this is the other thing. Maybe even the main thing. I don't know what I want anymore. Ever since I walked off a job I loved in 2001, I have been unable to decide what I really want to do. Even though I grew to hate my N-boss, I loved the job itself. I worked in a history dept. I got to do research and do desktop publishing. It was very creative and interesting. It was full-time, civil service, with benefits. It was exactly what I think I was meant to do, or something very close. After I walked off, people tried to help me with a job search. They would say, What kind of job do you want? And I would immediately think, I want the job I had. But I just couldn't spend one more second with that N. Probably if she wasn't N, that job would never have existed in the first place. She is the only municipal historian in the state with a staff and a budget like the one she has. Historians tend to be part-time, or even volunteer. The state mandates that municipalities have them. But they are often a low priority department, under parks and recreation. But because of her persistantly me, me, me outlook in life, she manages to get a great deal of attention and funding. Always thinking, what can I get them to give me. And I was one of the things they could give her. She introduced me as her indentured servant when I was first hired. I thought she was joking. Now I know she meant it.
Anyway....not so sure there is another job like that in existance. Beth, I'm an infant when it comes to these things. It must be true that I have ability. It is starting to show, even to me, in this assignment I'll soon be finishing up with. I just think I still have a lot of inner work to do. But I may soon start working on that resume. I will ask you for advice when I do, though, okay? Beth, where do you think your confidence came from? Have you always had it? I never have.
The socializing at work. Well, we do have parties for certain things--promotions, transfers, retirements, holidays, etc. It seems to me that most people, though, hate work enough that they do the social stuff FIRST, then, if they feel like it, do their work. If someone like me hasn't done it for them already. I don't think I will ever understand that. It seems illegal to me. I mean, you get paid to do a job. I'm pretty lazy at home. I guess I think I have to work at work. I'm not the only one with this type of work ethic. But we seem to be in the minority.
This thing my boss does is really different, though. It is like she is in the old country. For her everything comes to a halt for about 45 minutes every afternoon and she and the supervisors sit around a table and eat and chat. Then the unlucky supervisor who feels like she should actually do her job, then stays at work until 8 or 9 every night to catch up on the stuff she needed to do instead of eating. I've never seen this before. I just don't see the point.
I do like cookies though. I will eat them if offered :mrgreen: .
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Penny, you're getting all kinds of good feedback here... and I'm bouncing up and down on my chair because I think I might know a couple jobs you would absolutely love. Not actual places of employment darn it, but types of work.
I'll PM you, I don't want to disrupt what's going on here, it's good stuff.
((((((((((Pennyplant))))))))))
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I think CB hit the nail on the head, Penny... I am not confident - I just pretend I am. We call it "Fake it til you Make it" in AA... and that is what I've learned to do. The fact is, like you said, we ARE among those few who work and work hard. I know THAT about myself. So I know that even if I have to figure it out, I will, and I will be good at it. You are the same...
My husband had the HARDEST time in Italy. He went in Marine-time (unGodly hour)... no one was there of course. He worked with people from all diff countries and they all took breaks at different times. And breaks were the stuff of life. And everyone kicked off work early. He was crazy trying to get his normal amount of work done. It was almost funny. If he weren't so much like me, I would have told him to relax and enjoy it.
Smooches,
Beth
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Hiya Penny:
Tough stuff you're going through right now and I haven't much to offer at all but I just wanted to say that I think you've come a long way from "backsliding" because you've really anaylized the whole scenario and you sound so aware of your own personal stuff. No fun processing all the feelings you've described and I'm sorry you've had to. There has to be place for you either within that company or some other place where you will be valued and feel comfortable....even content. I hope very much that the opportunity will come to you very soon.
Re confidence: I think lot's of people would have difficulty with this under the circumstances. No one rewards your hard work or pays attention to your accomplishments. One thing that might help is to really do this for yourself? When you do a good job or extra work or complete difficult tasks......take a moment to acknowledge your hard work....your ability.....your determination and success. Pat yourself on the back mentally/emotionally and celebrate a little .....put a flower on your desk .... or some other reminder that tells you you are worthy of praise for a job well done. Plus the memory of the good job you did willl be there for you the next time your are given a difficult assignment .....to kind of give you a boost.
By the sounds of it....the people you work with aren't going to change so that leaves the change up to you (How many times has thaaaaaaaaat been said on the board? ). A little at a time. Maybe small steps will help you to feel more trust and faith in yourself? And possibly help you to decide what you want and how to get it?
((((Penny))))
Sela
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Hey Penny,
When I was hired once to do editing at a huge multinational billions-earning corporation that had researched every single factor possible about employee productivity, the HR person said, well, yes, they've studied in from every direction and the bottom line is that nobody expects an employee to be fully focused and producing more than six hours out of an eight-hour day anyway. So we build our production around that estimate.
That was very interesting. And you know what? People worked when they worked and when tey didn't they let themselves let it go. Place continues to make literally billions.
(Without me, I was bored to death. But, it's another view of "hardworking.")
In my case work is a wonderful anesthetic against facing some of the more painful parts of my life.
love,
Hops
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So many good ideas here for me to contemplate. I think I'm still pretty scared to take big chances or make big changes. How I wish I could keep feeling the way I feel when I'm in my temporary office and things are going well. During those times it seems like I feel like the real me. Kind of content. But it is nothing like the place where I really work and will have to go back to after next Thursday. Just have to keep what I have gained. That knowing I can do things, knowing I can learn, knowing I can tackle tough stuff.
But....knowing I have to go back and spend 50 hours a week with people I can't do a thing about. Anger about that is churning around inside me. I guess I'm going to have to feel it.
I'm going to meet my replacement on Friday. She sounded nice on the phone. And she won't be all that different from me on my first day. This will all be new to her as it was to me. She got this, I believe, because of her connection with my new boss. I might try to learn more about that. Maybe it's not how I believe it to be. Can't hurt to find out how reliable my gut is.
Thanks ((((((((all))))))))))). You got me through a very hard patch and gave me many new ideas. I might have to revisit this thread once I go back to the old place. I'm expecting many triggers. I think I have to brace myself for that.
Just keep going, hmmm?
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Hey PP,
Re. the anger: sounds like a good time to go for a long walk in a field or big park and have vehement conversation with the wind. Then after you come home all tired and relaxed, meditate on this wisdom:
knowing I can do things, knowing I can learn, knowing I can tackle tough stuff.
There's only an old habitual voice inside telling you you can't. It's a habit, like putting makeup on while driving (don't ask :shock:). Whatever it is, it's been your routine. (Get up, drink coffee, start tape: frustrated inept PP who can't manage it who is misunderstood who....). Maybe you can just get up, drink coffee, start the tape, get bored and turn it off.
(I'm not saying I'm bored with you! Not a bit. Just doing my one-note monologue fantasy, if it ain't dialogue it's monologue...)
ONLY YOU CAN PRESS THE BUTTON TO START, STOP, OR PAUSE THE TAPE.
love and hugs,
Hops
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lot's of great advice here, and there's a phrase jumping out at me from my subconscious-
'right livelihood'.
I mean the kind of work where you have it tailored to your life and needs and skills and most of all- passion.
It's the passion that jumps out and grabs other people because you're enthusiastic and happy and full of ideas!
When I first came to the US I did not see how I could ever make a living never mind make a living doing things which are important to me and I love then another phrase I used to use as a social worker came to mind-
'set it up'.
Things happen in stages.
My career now has happened first by volunteering in something I love, then findign ways to use my skills and build on it and the feedback I got from doing it.
I think giving out is very important for this process- with the attitude nothing is ever wasted and everything flows back into your life one way or another.
Have courage dear, you may feel let down and overwhelmed right now but when you work through this you will find like I have- stepping out into the life flow has a momentum all of its own (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hopsy, it's a little too cold here this week for a conversation with the wind :lol: :lol: :lol: ! That may just have to wait a little bit. I think I'm doing pretty good with the old tapes. At the end of work today I discovered we did something wrong on the computer and I couldn't finish today's tasks because I don't know how.....yet. Tomorrow I will go in early, and get things lined up and find someone to teach me what to do. Tonight I'm teaching myself not to worry about something I can't fix right this moment. I'm teaching myself not to go off the deep end with worry. Not to beat myself up about the mistake. Whatever it was. This is really a different approach for me to take with a problem. But I will feel like I learned something, if I wake up tomorrow from a good night's sleep instead of my customary restless tossing and turning when I have goofed up something.
WRITE, "right livelihood". Isn't that part of the noble eightfold path of Buddhism? Or something very close to that? And I thought I didn't remember anything from Religious Studies 101, class of 1989. Yes, I have to find my passion. And I like that--nothing is ever wasted and everything flows back into your life one way or another. That is so positive. And comforting.
Stepping out into the life flow. I don't believe I have ever done that. I have always been afraid or held back in some way. Even when I was being wreckless or seemingly brave. That was just me attempting to defeat my fear. Without really understanding it.
I do understand this "things happen in stages". That is a basic belief I have in life. I have just not ever really known how to set it up. Or I have been distracted by too many hurdles. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong fit. And I've been passive. Just waiting for whatever comes along. Not really making decisions. Not often anyway. It's one thing to go with the flow. Quite another to not even try to recognize that something just isn't going to work. Not looking for what might work. But I never really learned about things like that as a child. Always had to accept what little others were willing to give. And it was often very, very little. I guess I don't have to just accept what others are willing to part with. I can make my own, whatever it is.
Realistically, it is going to take me awhile. But if I'm seeing better now and hearing better now and saying better things to myself, then there really might be some movement in the right direction.
Thanks, folks, for all this.
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Maybe even the main thing. I don't know what I want anymore.
Bingo Penny - put some focus here. You loved your old job. What about it did you love? What about this job do you like? Make lists of the small and big things. Include absurd things like the wallpaint or the bathroom soap or Susie in cubicle 4. Put everything that you have liked down including the type of work - reasearching ______ . Make a similar list about things you absolutely do not like in a workplace. These two lists will help you begin to focus on what you want. I suspect you don't know anymore because of your disillusionment and your past disappointments. Let them go and just dream big for now.
While I was reading some of the posts I got this inkling that you have not lost your confidence in yourself but in how you fit in and those are two very distinct things. I hear you express confidence in your work and your ability.
Even my customers are appalled that I am being pulled out so soon. They like me already and it doesn't make sense to them what has happened. It just seems out and out foolish to them. Plus you sound confident about your work in your previous job. Your comments suggest that the problem was your N boss not your ability.
If I'm right and you do have confidence about your ability and your work product then that is a very diffeent animal that you have to look at. Now you need to develop confidence that you will find the right environment to work in. The suggestions by Grattitude can be amazingly powerful. Her reference to "Fake it until you make it" is close to what Wayne Dyar refers to as "working from the end." You imagine yourself working in the bountiful, supportive environment doing the things you like and flourishing. What would you be like if that were the case. Act as if you are already doing this. You have post AN example when your co-workers were back-biting but you didn't hear it. Doing this "imagining" work is much like that. There are many explanations for why this works. Test it out in some small way and see what happens.
You deserve more than what you have. And a valuable employer deserves to have some one like you. I encourage you to believe that this will come to pass with in the next 2, 3 (you pick) months. Hold this belief in your heart and mind and repeat it oftern to yourself.
I am sure you can do this and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. - your friend - Gaining strength
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I have just not ever really known how to set it up. Or I have been distracted by too many hurdles. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong fit. And I've been passive. Just waiting for whatever comes along. Not really making decisions. Not often anyway. It's one thing to go with the flow. Quite another to not even try to recognize that something just isn't going to work. Not looking for what might work. But I never really learned about things like that as a child. Always had to accept what little others were willing to give. And it was often very, very little. I guess I don't have to just accept what others are willing to part with. I can make my own, whatever it is.
well that's a long paragraph but you get there yourself- you can make your own future.
The way I always set things up is to give. If I want to learn something I will give something I can do in exchange for experience or an opportunity.
It also gives me a chance to dip my toe in the water before I commit big-style with training or a job or lifestyle change.
A few weeks ago a little plaque caught my eye so I bought it and hung it by my front door so I see it every time I leave:
'create yourself a life you love'
I'll see if I can get a companion for the other side:
'and don't be discouraged by setbacks!'
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My goal for last night was to not worry about the computer problem waiting for me today at work. But....I did wake up and do my usual "Keeping Myself Up the Rest of the Night" gig.
I guess that is a behavior change that will come slowly.
But once at work, I did have to practice patience and calmness in the face of worrying about solving the problem. The person I called on for help did help, but it took him until mid afternoon to get back to me.
But I did it! I calmly went about my other tasks and kept reminding myself that I wasn't alone with it and it would be solved by day's end. I concentrated on things I could have an impact on and it was a very good day. And the problem actually was mostly solved by me yesterday. I just needed to understand what happened and I needed to give it time to reset itself. It was just inexperience on my part. So, I learned another new thing and practiced my calmness. Practiced not worrying uselessly.
Oh, how I wish I could stay longer. When I go back to my regular office, it is going to be hard to hang onto the new parts of me. I am determined to do it somehow. But it will be hard. I can't pretend otherwise.
It really feels funny to be on the other side of believing in myself. I have never been here before. It feels good, even if unfamiliar. Tentative too, though. To be away from the constant distractions and the schoolyard atmosphere is such a gift. To have an environment that brings out the best in me is also a gift. How to keep it?
Got a nice surprise today too. One of the people who worked with me at the beginning called just to tell me how much she enjoyed working with me. No other reason than to say something nice to me about me. That just blew me away. Someone else called to check on me and the circumstances of why I had to leave. She was disappointed in the way I was treated. She's on my side it seems. It feels good to have advocates.
Tomorrow the new person comes in to observe and take notes and ask questions. I might still ask her about the political angle of how she came to replace me. But really, I'm more interested in showing her around and answering her questions and teaching her ways to make it easier to learn her new duties. It seems exciting to me on some level. I hope I can keep tapping into that perspective tomorrow and not be triggered into thinking about how I got hurt. This is so new to me to not be obsessed with the getting hurt part. It is still in there but other, better, things are distracting me from my usual obsession. It doesn't feel as boring as I might have thought it would. It feels related to happiness.
I will definitely take everyone's suggestions to heart. It seems like there are possibilities out there. I never really believed that before.
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Hoo boy, PP!
That sure sounds like genuine growth and healing to me.
BRAVO. You are learning the power of choosing your thoughts.
I'm awed.
Hops
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Hi Pennyplant
Schoolyard it is. Middle school at best, although some of the places I've seen looked more like kindergartens.
The cliques, the bullying, the ostracism of anyone who is 'different'. When you see it clearly you'll never be able to un-see it, but after you overcome the initial shock and disappointment you will find that it is a tremendous help to be able to see it.
Watch what people do, not what they say.
Observe how they interact with everyone... favoritism and fawning are huge red flags. Watch who they turn their backs on, literally - that is a nonverbal exclusion that tells you a great deal, especially when an entire group does it.
And realize that in any workplace that recreates a middle-school emotional climate, the serious and dedicated workers are going to be the ones most often targeted for jeers and ostracism. Just exactly like the good students were, in bad schools. Healthy grownups don't behave like nasty children.
Here is an amazing quote from C.S. Lewis that I actually have posted at work in a place where it's not glaringly obvious to others, but I can see it when I need it:
"Many of us have had the experience of living in some local pocket of human society--some particular school, college, regiment or profession where the tone was bad. And inside that pocket certain actions were regarded as merely normal ('Everyone does it') and certain others as impracticably virtuous and Quixotic. But when we emerged from that bad society we made the horrible discovery that in the outer world our 'normal' was the kind of thing that no decent person ever dreamed of doing, and our 'Quixotic' was taken for granted as the minimum standard of decency. What had seemed to us morbid and fantastic scruples so long as we were in the 'pocket' now turned out to be the only moments of sanity we there enjoyed."
It reminds me of why I chose to do the work I do now - and of what exactly on-the-job mistreatment says about the mistreater(s).
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Hopsy, I just never knew before that choosing thoughts was possible or even desirable. It's like I'm cracking something open and all kinds of things are hiding in there. Neat things.
Stormy, I like the CS Lewis quote very much. It sounds like my entire childhood and youth was spent in that kind of a pocket. We escaped for awhile when my husband was in the military for 10 years. It gave me some perspective. But I knew I had to come back here some day, when the opportunity presented itself, because I knew the answers to my questions were here. And I was right. And by "here" I mean the N pocket that my hometown is and that I grew up in. Or maybe it is a pocket of rampant Voicelessness. But coming back here to face it is also the thing that will set me free. I had to know why certain things were the way they were. "Why" is crucial for me. I have to understand what I do before I can really do it.
This morning my replacement came to work and she is very nice. We have met before. I found out that she has applied to the program and has been waiting and waiting for her chance. She thought she would never get to try it out for real. So, this is very right, what happened. Maybe somebody complained to hurt me or complained thoughtlessly. But it turned out for the best.
She is eager to learn and be good at this assignment. She is more easygoing than me. Which is not to say I am not good at this just because I am more intense. I am becoming good at it. But seeing the personality difference between us made me think that maybe I will keep thinking further about what would be a really good fit for me. Where I work there are all kinds of jobs. I'm going to start finding out what more of them are. I am going to keep learning things that might build me up more and make me more qualified for something that is a really good fit.
This morning we were working on some of the accounting. I had discovered a problem a week or so ago where we actually had an overage. I suspected that it actually was an error that occurred the day the office was transferred to me. It made the most sense given what I knew about the things I had worked with since then. And sure enough, I was right. We discovered where the overage really belonged. The problem occurred because everyone was in such a tizzy the day of the transfer. A bad mix of personalities. It was an incredibly stressful day. Anyway, I just feel good that I didn't make any huge mistakes while on this assignment. The mistakes I made were all ones that I could learn from and find out how to fix. I find that I work better if I focus and am careful. And I have been working that way regardless of what it seems like the rest are doing or seems like they want me to do. I'm finding my style.
This is what I want to take with me when I go back to my old job next week. I want to do my work in my own way and not feel threatened when others don't work that way or if they try to get me to change. I want to keep building my confidence. I want to keep my focus. Hee hee, that is what I would have thought I would learn in yoga!! Instead, in yoga I learned further how to spot Ns. And in the nest of Ns that is my workplace, I learned how to focus. Oh, life can be so ironic :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: .
Well, almost time to get back to work. Have some tricky tasks to accomplish but not worried about them. It won't be bad.
Thanks all and have a great afternoon.
Love, Pennyplant
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Wow!!! Pennyplant - you are doing so well. I am so excited for you!!!
I just never knew before that choosing thoughts was possible or even desirable.
I have been applying this to my life over the past 6 or 8 months and it really has cracked things open. It is miraculous to me.
practiced my calmness. Practiced not worrying uselessly.
Congratulations PP. I am finding that I can practice these things. The more I practice the better it gets, even though it is not always easy.
When I go back to my regular office, it is going to be hard to hang onto the new parts of me. I am determined to do it somehow. But it will be hard. I can't pretend otherwise.
It will be hard, but you will find a way to do it because now you have tasted of that sweet fruit.
It really feels funny to be on the other side of believing in myself. I have never been here before. It feels good, even if unfamiliar. Tentative too, though.
HURRAY!!! HURRAY!!!
To be away from the constant distractions and the schoolyard atmosphere is such a gift. To have an environment that brings out the best in me is also a gift. How to keep it?
Three keys to keeping it are: 1) believe or know that you can do it and 2) practice it even when difficult and 3) don't give up.
Got a nice surprise today too. One of the people who worked with me at the beginning called just to tell me how much she enjoyed working with me. No other reason than to say something nice to me about me. That just blew me away. Someone else called to check on me and the circumstances of why I had to leave. She was disappointed in the way I was treated. She's on my side it seems. It feels good to have advocates.
Yes it does and you deserve it!!! File this away in your memory and when you feel lonely and frustrated bring this memory out and celebrate. It will help you remember that it is not you but the unfortunate group of people you are among.
This is so new to me to not be obsessed with the getting hurt part. It is still in there but other, better, things are distracting me from my usual obsession. It doesn't feel as boring as I might have thought it would. It feels related to happiness.
This is SOOOOOO exciting Pennyplant. I am so excited for you.
I will definitely take everyone's suggestions to heart. It seems like there are possibilities out there. I never really believed that before.
You encouragement encourages me. Thank you - your friend - Gaining Strength
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Penny,
Well done
axa xxxx
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Thanks, GS and Axa. I will have to keep coming back to this thread and reading the replies because the next couple of weeks are going to be hard.
I have four more days to work at my temporary assignment then it's back to the old place on Friday. However, today I worked there and learned about some things I have missed. Heard the story about how one of the more troublesome co-workers conned the boss into letting her eat her lunch on the clock (because an hour and fifteen minutes lunch time off the clock isn't enough time for her to eat) and the boss also will be letting her use work time to write out checks and pay her personal bills because technically that is her break time. Since this activity bothers the other co-workers, she will be allowed to do this in the boss's office. And the lunch thing is okay, because apparently all of us are doing this, eating our lunches on the clock instead of working. In reality, only the boss and her supervisors are doing this.
Amazing how people can take a little grain of truth and twist it into something that is advantageous to them. And completely unfair to others. Yet, somehow they can make it sound logical and fair. The co-worker who gained these privileges for herself told me her version of it today. Her version is that she got in trouble with the supervisor who brought up the lunch issue in the first place. She never got around to telling me the part about how she resolved it for herself and actually got permission to continue disobeying the supervisor. She feels like she got punished, or she wants others to think she did, when in reality she got rewarded.
Before my very eyes, the losers get rewarded and applauded. The decent people get stomped on. This is what I'm going back into.
So, today, I worked v e r y s l o w l y, minded my own business, joked around loudly, etc., etc. But this Monday through Thursday, I will get to be myself and soak that up and try to remember it for as long as I need to until I can improve my situation.
I also printed out an application for promotion and gave it to another co-worker. I think of this as helping someone else escape. I hope we can both escape. She had asked the boss for assistance in doing this. The same boss who promised to support me, then a month later pulled the plug. This boss gave her a song and dance about how to apply and made it sound difficult and complicated, while also saying good for you and I will support you. Ah yes, heard that before. It took me one minute to find the form and print one off for her. The boss could have done it just as easily if she really supported her in her "employee development".
So many liars. So many power plays. It's not that I want to be alone all the time or anything. I'm just so sick of such a harmful atmosphere. And people know that I see these things. So, some of them are intimidated or something. They fawn all over the losers who play the same game. But it feels like an insult to see this. More rewards for the game players. Disrespect for me. This is going to be a real hard patch for awhile.
Oh, and the person who complained about me getting the assignment without officially applying--he spent two Saturdays extracting information from me (I had mistakenly thought he was interested and being a "colleague"). He just looks right through me now. I even spoke to him today. But it was as if I were a ghost. Such a calculating and cold person.
It seems like a nest of Ns.
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Woke early from some dreams that were probably about work on some level. Keep thinking about why I don't want to go back there. It feels like I don't want to go back with every fiber of my being. It's because the emotion of fear is being triggered. I was trying to figure out if it is some kind of free-floating fear or a genuine, trackable threat from particular people or situations. Is there a physical threat or an emotional threat? I'm thinking also about my child-anger that has come to the surface and how my child-anger seems different somehow from adult anger over things that are happening. Well, my child-anger is different. I think it is different because it is really old fear. Primal fear. Fear that I was not physically safe. And as a child, physical safety was about the only kind of safety I understood. And so if I did not feel safe, it was a matter of not feeling physically safe. So I carry that around with me. And that is what has come up now as a result of what people do to or about me at my job.
I'm having trouble feeling safe. And since it seems like some of the people I am afraid of are in fact something along the lines of psychopath or personality disordered--well, many of you have been married to these types, or raised by them. Safety is a real issue in that case.
So, now maybe I have too much knowledge? If I didn't know that there are real psychopaths out there in the normal workaday world maybe I could trick myself into feeling safe. Maybe I could say, little Pennyplant, you really are safe now. The bad people are gone. The bad people are from the past. You are safe now. I could give her a hug, like she didn't get as a child, and tell her that it will be okay now because it is different from before. She is safe now and people aren't really out to hurt her.
But..... I don't actually believe that because of what has happened as far as the coldness with which I was treated. The trickery that was involved. These people whose attention I have caught genuinely don't care what happens to someone like me.
It is just like when I was a child. And when I was a child I was afraid all the time. I thought I was angry all the time. But anger was the last layer that protected my fear. I was afraid all the time.
That is the emotion that was triggered when I had my emotional affairs and they turned out badly. That burning feeling I had for months after the first one..... I think I had tapped into child-fear without realizing it. With the second emotional affair I'm sure I tapped into child-fear. And now with my dread of going back to my old job, it just has to be child-fear coming up to the surface. Certain things are making a permanent impression on me. And in the back of my mind I can hear a warning--get out of there. Quit. You're not safe there.
I don't want to give in to that. I need a job. This is a good paying job. One of the best available around here for working class people. We have so many bills, that it is not a realistic option at this time for me to resign and go back to school. Possibly in three to five years we could get our finances into a more flexible position. But for now, if I just up and quit, we would probably have to go bankrupt.
So, the difference, for me, between adult anger and child-anger is the connection to fear. How I wish I didn't see what these people are really like. How I wish I could make a funny story about it. How I wish I had real allies there. But if I just disappeared, poof, it would leave barely a ripple. My friends would miss me. But in the grand scheme of things, it would be like I was never there. I don't matter. Nobody really matters there.
I have to figure out a way to feel safe. It may be that just putting this down here will release some of that fear. But there is probably a lot of it lurking around in there. I spent years and years of my childhood and youth feeling afraid. Today is the first time I have made a direct connection with my child-fear and events that are happening right now. So, I hope hope hope that is the missing piece to the puzzle. I have to figure out a way to deal with that if I'm to go forward.
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Oh, and the person who complained about me getting the assignment without officially applying--he spent two Saturdays extracting information from me (I had mistakenly thought he was interested and being a "colleague"). He just looks right through me now. I even spoke to him today. But it was as if I were a ghost. Such a calculating and cold person.
It seems like a nest of Ns.
Oh Penny,
How awful, with the shock of knowing such a cold hearted betrayal of your innocent trust.
Enough to want to take a vow of silence.
If it is any comfort, I have been had like this, in workplace and in personal life situations.
Feeling safe is my goal for my future, safe from these kind of people, who are not worthy of our attention or affection, and yes, they more than likely do have personality disorders.
The struggle for a good job is one that I am bearing up with at present, knowing that I will never get back what was taken from me.
Penny, been thinking, and we need to remain focused:
on what we have learned from our own unique painful experiences in our life, on the reasons why they behaved toward us as they did, having accepted that they are not going to change, because they have no desire to.
on the realisation that we have changed, and have chosen to grow into a person who is now aware, and becoming equipped, to spot the Red Flags of behaviour and respond in a protective safe way for us.
that we are learning the power of choosing our thoughts (love that Hops and have adopted it).
that we are learning to choose the power of our discerning actions ......... because we aware of the truth now.
Penny, we have so much now that we have come this far, and now we are able to look forward with real hope in our hearts.
Blessings to you,
Leah
Edit: ps. thinking back to some of my workplace situations 'nest of N's' is a harsh reality
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How awful, with the shock of knowing such a cold hearted betrayal of your innocent trust.
Leah, over the past few weeks I have had many such shocks. Yet, it is making more sense now than ever before. I am grateful for that much. Because I have always wondered what was wrong. And now I'm seeing it. And it is not necessarily personal, though it effects me in a personal way, but it just happens to be my misfortune or good fortune to be the one who always walks into these things and then has to learn some very hard lessons. This morning I was thinking about that fable, "The Emperor Who Has No Clothes". I bet all of us here are that little boy with the pointing finger making the loud announcement about what it is before his very eyes. And being dismayed to discover that no one else will validate him. They see but can't admit it, don't want to see, and have no trouble keeping with the party line. For most people there is no cost to their soul to just go along and pretend. But for me, and for others here no doubt, there is a cost to the soul. I can't ignore what I see once I see it.
I was also thinking about something else I learned the last couple of weeks at work. Each Saturday I have been going back to my old office to work, even though I don't have to, and the last two times I noticed to my dismay that the lazy co-worker who is junior to me has been fully embraced by everyone else while I was gone. She is in and I am out. It is very obvious that this is what has happened. Everyone knows she is lazy and not particularly helpful and everyone knows how it bothers me. How it has burdened me in both physical and emotional ways. I suspect now that people were holding back from totally welcoming her out of some kind of conscience towards me on some level. With me gone, they can bring her into the fold. The reason she had to be brought into the fold is because she is pathetic. They feel sorry for her. She can't do as much as me. She needs the job now more than ever because her husband dumped her. And they need her because she is such a poor worker they don't have to resent her for showing them up. In fact, if she does anything good at all, and I admit she does do a few things well, they get almost ecstatic. They credit her far more than necessary. Whereas the hard workers are resented because they make the lazy ones look bad. In the opinion of the lazy ones. It is grudging acceptance that I have actually been receiving all this time. I make them look bad. Even though that is the opposite of what my goal there is. I work hard because of my own personal issues. I think they make themselves look bad because they don't work. Everybody knows this. But I make it an issue just by my very presence.
I was very hurt to see that lazy junior co-worker has in fact been welcomed into the fold in a way that I never was from day one. I didn't realize it back then but it is pretty obvious to me, now that I know what being welcomed there looks like. If this were happening to someone else, and I was just a fly on the wall, my assessment would be that this Pennyplant character is simply in the wrong environment. She upsets the delicate balance of dysfunction in that place. It is good that she went away for six weeks because then the natural balance of such a place was allowed to occur. There will be another place for her. She just doesn't know where that place is yet. But it is time to wrap it up and look for a different situation. Might take some time. But that is the obvious answer from a cosmic, big picture point of view.
I think I have fulfilled much of my destiny there. Not sure what is next. I will have to ride it out for awhile until I find the door that is unlocked for me. Hopefully, the ride will be a little smoother now that I'm understanding some things.
I seem to be getting some of my answers.
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Because I have always wondered what was wrong. And now I'm seeing it. And it is not necessarily personal, though it effects me in a personal way, but it just happens to be my misfortune or good fortune to be the one who always walks into these things and then has to learn some very hard lessons. This morning I was thinking about that fable, "The Emperor Who Has No Clothes". I bet all of us here are that little boy with the pointing finger making the loud announcement about what it is before his very eyes. And being dismayed to discover that no one else will validate him. They see but can't admit it, don't want to see, and have no trouble keeping with the party line. For most people there is no cost to their soul to just go along and pretend. But for me, and for others here no doubt, there is a cost to the soul. I can't ignore what I see once I see it.
Pennyplant,
That is an excellent illiustration of our feelings when no one else can see, or choose not to see!
And I agree with what you say, that for most people there is not cost to their soul to just go along and pretend, because that is what they choose to.
I just can't ignore what I see once I see it either.
And once you are awakened to the knowledge of what is real and true - you can't go back, you can't return to your former self, just to please them, in jumping back in 'their' box that they had you trapped in.
Leah
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I think I have fulfilled much of my destiny there. Not sure what is next. I will have to ride it out for awhile until I find the door that is unlocked for me. Hopefully, the ride will be a little smoother now that I'm understanding some things.
Pennyplant,
Oh I am sure it will be all the smoother for you.
Interesting too that you have mentioned finding the door that is unlocked for you.
That's what I believe and what I am standing for, as I mentioned earlier that my current struggle is for a good job, knowing that I will never get back what was taken from me.
I believe that I don't have to concern myself any longer with what I had then, that there is something new for me, a new door will open
And I hope the same for you too - very soon.
We will take with us as we walk through our own unique new doors, all that we have come to learn and understand, so that we will be able to enjoy our new jobs and be allowed to enjoy fulfillment.
Leah
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Penny,
I thought I'd posted out here about this but it doesn't look like I have. Hopefully this won't hijack the thread, it's not meant to, it's meant to furnish real life proof of just how insane some workplaces can be.
I've been given my annual rating. Outstanding, in every respect, and I've been advised that I am a candidate for promotion*.
??????????
!!!!!!!!!!
[Insert mental image here of Stormchild with her eyes crossed, blowing spit bubbles.]
It appears to make no sense whatsoever - one day I'm being bashed, next day I'm being given parades - except for this:
there are people at work who are invested in abusing me - sadly, my own immediate superiors have been in this group more often than not.
But there are also people at work who have begun to recognize just how much I actually do, and just how much of a role I play in holding the place together on a day to day basis - and my superiors' superiors fit into this second category.
At least, they do now.
Because there are different people in those top slots now.
Some of whom were here before, so they 'knew me when'; some of whom are new, and are judging based on what I actually do, not on backstabbing gossip about me.
It's the second crowd I believe to be responsible for the good rating and the hope of advancement - the first crowd hasn't gone away, but some of them appear to be rethinking a few things, at least...
anyway. this is just a sample of how surrealistic the working world can be.
It's like riding 30 foot waves.
On a sailboard.
Hoping this strange story gives you some hope...
Bthuh bth' bth'uh bthuh [that is my best approximation of what blowing spit bubbles sounds like]
Storm
*Promo's not just gonna happen, of course; I have to do a bunch of stuff, and there's no guarantee - but is there ever? For those of us who are actually good workers?
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Stormy, this fits exactly into what I'm talking about here. I have worked in several other offices besides this recent assignment. Every one of them appreciated me and looked forward to having me back. It is only when I go back to my home office and see the contrast in the ways I'm valued that I realize what a very sick place it is. There are normal people out there who see what is really there and do the common sense thing--reward good work and dismiss poor work.
My old supervisor who now has her own office. She applied for promotion time after time and was rejected time after time. They would bring her in someplace and she would make things right there..... for someone else to have. I would sometimes observe the powers that be when they were with her and they didn't seem to have a lot of respect for her. Sometimes even I would focus on her weak points and think, well, she's not the right type or she put her foot in her mouth during the interview. And she has said she is a notoriously bad interview. Well, this last time, she put in for the office she has had her heart set on for so long. And she was interviewed by an acting-grandpoobah who was here from well-outside the district. And she got the job and was in place within two weeks! Usually the way it goes here is the powers-that-be drag it out forever...in some kind of powerplay I am now convinced.
This will give an idea of what the powers-that-be do where I work. This same supervisor actually applied for the same office twice. The first time she had been running it as the OIC for many, many months. They decided to instead hire someone with connections for the permanent slot. Within one month, the person they chose over this supervisor was being investigated for internet fraud and had to be escorted from the office because he could not be trusted with the vault. You can't tell me that some red flags of some kind weren't waving wildly at his interviews. Yet, that is the person who got the job. It took months to iron it out. Then finally the right person got it the second time out because of that out of towner who could tell the difference between right and wrong.
From this situation I also learned something really important about being true to yourself and what unusual gifts some people bring into your life if you will let them. Since she has been gone to her dream job, I have finally come to realize what great things she did for my place while she was there. No one can touch what she was able to get out of these foolish co-workers of mine. And she genuinely cared for all of them. I'm not trying to paint her as a saint. She is not a perfect saint. But she is unusual. And no one who could do anything about it recognized it. Not for a very long time. From my point of view, she kept the lid on things for a long time, to her own detriment much of that time. Someone like me was somewhat protected while she was there. No more though.
It is my fervent hope that the people in your place who recognize your gifts will also be able to do something to improve your day to day situation. It really helps to be seen and believed. To be validated. But it would be huge if something concrete comes of it. I really hope it does. It's funny that I can actually be happy for other people when good things happen the way they are supposed to. I have been known to become envious of other's good fortune :roll: . I guess when someone is a good person at heart and has worked so hard in the face of adversity, I'm all for it. When someone gets the chance to do something they would be good at..... I like that too. If it can't be me, it might as well be one of my cronies.
In my situation, it is very easy for me to become discouraged and feel hopeless. Like I've been saying, this next period of time is going to be a real rough patch for me. I hope I can at least maintain some dignity. I mean this is a real defeat for me to come back and see that I have been even more marginalized than I already was. It breaks my heart. And I have to go back there knowing all this.
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Penny,
I spent 3 years doing my job in a place where the top tier didn't want to think about what I was doing at all because they didn't like, and didn't want to be bothered with, the area I was responsible for.
The dislike and desire not to be bothered came about because my area suddenly became very active at a time when other areas did too.
Tough knuckles.
I wasn't in any position to tell people to stop expecting my organization to address issues in that particular area - and even if I had been, I would not have done so, because that area is important, and needed to be taken care of just as much as the areas that these people "liked" to work on.
I haven't changed. Well, maybe a little; I see very clearly now when I am being abused, and I see very clearly now when others are slacking and evading responsibility and trying to 'spin' that as something else.
What has changed is who I am responsible to.
But I've spent a long, long time doing it all with no help or hope or recognition.
And I don't have anything tangible yet, don't forget. What I have is some appreciation, from some people who could just as easily vanish overnight, or change their minds about me because it's easier to go along with the majority than to stand up for someone.
That's about it.
And some hope, where I had none before.
[Edit in: good ratings LOOK tangible, but employment case law is FILLED with cases of people who were fired without cause despite years of solid gold evaluations. An excellent rating history and $0.75 will get you a can of soda, if the machine is working. OTOH, bad ratings will be used to do as much harm as possible. The game is rigged, and never, ever, ever in the employee's favor.]
Do you have any way of staying in touch with the savvy lady who finally got the job she deserved? Or with the higher up who did the right thing in that case? Is there any way you could, for instance, teletransfer and work for one of them, without having to move? Just thinking; I don't know the details of your work so I may be totally on the moon about stuff like that. But I would say, if there are people in the organization who see your worth, try to stay in contact with them, don't be shy about approaching them to look for a better slot.
It's perfectly acceptable to tell someone that you 'feel as though you are spinning your wheels and it's time for new challenges' - if they've been where you are and know the dynamics, that will get the message through with sufficient clarity.
((((((((((Pennyplant))))))))))
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I'm really sorry you're going through all this, PP.
Feels to me as though work really is family in the sense that we give it so much of our primal time and energy...
So being overlooked, unappreciated, or disliked by others there brings up such pain from what it was like to be overlooked, unappreciated, abused or disliked in our original families.
I had to stop thinking, this is who I am.
It wasn't. Even my happy job now isn't who I am.
It's what I do to earn a living. No more... for me, that helped.
Otherwise, there were many dramas I could get pulled into.
(And did, more than once.)
((((((((PP)))))))
Hops
(and congratulations, Storm, on your well-deserved evaluation.)
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Yes, Stormy I'm in touch with the supervisor who "made it". I'm hoping that connection can help change things for the better for me. The one who promoted her.... went back to her home district in another state. But that's okay. I see some things now that I didn't see before and one of those things is.....possibility. I tend to see things in a worst case scenario sort of way. And I'm starting to overcome that point of view. There's going to be some ups and downs coming my way but I hope to hang onto the new parts. I hope to be in a position to see opportunities as they come along. And I hope for some helping hands along the way.
Hopsy, I think that is why this stuff gets to me so much. It is a huge part of life. Work takes the best of your energy often enough. It galls me sometimes. Also, it does remind me of my growing up years when outside life wasn't going well at the same time as family life wasn't going well. No shelter anywhere. Nowadays home is better than it was growing up, but work takes up so very much energy and time that little is left for what matters. Maybe work shouldn't be who I am. But it takes away from who I am. That's what it feels like to me. Maybe another boundary issue here. Maybe I'm losing myself in work. Maybe I'm still having trouble with "where does my life end and work life begin?" I think I still have a great deal of interior firming up to do. I don't think there are gaping holes in there anymore. But there is still some mushiness.
My father always put the job first. There was always a "reason" why work came first. And I always accepted that. I have absorbed it as a value of mine. But possibly this putting work first is a way of distracting oneself from trickier issues like social skills and family problems. Work as escape. Work as fall back excuse for not doing things you really don't want to do after all. That is just always the way it was with my father. Perhaps work offered some kind of structure that was easier for him to work within given his Asperger-like limitations.
Well, it's getting late. Good night all.
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Don't know if this helps but came across it on the net today.
Beat the narcissist at work
an Ivanhoe Medical report 02/02/07
BACKGROUND: What do Oprah Winfrey, Jack Welch, Martha Stewart, and Bill Gates have in common? According to psychoanalyst Michael Maccoby, Ph.D., it's not just enormous success -- it's also a personality trait called narcissism. The dictionary defines narcissist as "excessive love or admiration of oneself." Working with -- or for -- a narcissist can be dangerous but is sometimes worth it. It all depends on what kind of narcissist you're dealing with.
CREATIVE NARCISSIST: Dr. Maccoby says the creative narcissist, or visionary type, has a big dream and vision, and sticking with that kind of narcissist could mean you'll get taken to the top, too. He explains, "The best narcissists have this idea of creating something great, something new, and it gives meaning to a lot of people to be part of something like that." You just have to understand that it's always the narcissist's vision you're working for -- not necessarily your own. You have to be ready for a tough ride. Dr. Maccoby says, "They tend to often lack much loyalty. They'll call you any hour of the day or night if they need you. And furthermore, they tend to be rather insensitive about your feelings, though extremely sensitive about their own." But, as Dr. Maccoby points out, "The people who worked for Bill Gates or Steve Jobs in the beginning are multi-millionaires."
PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSIST: This type of narcissist characterizes historical figures like Mao, Stalin and Hitler. Working for an irrational, pathological "monster" is probably not worth it, according to Dr. Maccoby. This would also be a person who is just out for himself and isn't going to make you part of something great.
BEATING THE NARCISSIST: Dr. Maccoby says you can't beat a narcissistic boss at his own game - - you can only leave and create your own game. But if you want to stay working for him, you can at least become a better player. Here's how:
•Be clear about what the rules are for you. Define you limits
•Don't assume anything
•Get everything down in writing
•If you want to get something across, make them think it's their idea
•Offer sincere flattery
•Don't expect the narcissistic boss to just give you something -- you've got to demand it
•If you want them to change something, you must show them that it will be bad for them -- not that it is something immoral or unethical -- but that it will actually be bad for them
•Be careful with giving criticism. If a narcissistic boss has what you perceive as a stupid idea, don't tell him you think it's stupid. Repeat the idea back to him, and he'll tell you it's stupid
For More Information, Contact:
Michael Maccoby, Ph.D.
michael@maccoby.com
(202) 895-8922
Deb
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Thanks, Deb. I think I'll be able to use some of this. When I'm in a good mood I can flatter with the best of them. I do have a hard time making demands. But I could get good at that!!! The best thing, though, will be some day when I leave. It's been so nice to be away from it and them. Being away is better.
Pennyplant
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Quarter to four in the morning. Really weird dreams again. Today is the day I hand over my little office to the new OIC. I like her a lot and am happy for her that she gets the chance to do something she wanted for nearly seven years. But of course I feel funny about it too. It brings up so much. Yesterday she spent the day with me to learn things and see what a typical day is like. She approaches learning similarly to the way I do. That was kind of neat. She knows some things already and will do fine. It was embarrassing to me sometimes to see the things I missed--little things that I thought I was doing right, but didn't need to do at all. It brings up that shame I carry around all the time. And it is silly really. Nobody is judging me the way I judge me. I take things personally when really it is shame bubbling up. So little of that judgment is external. At least in a healthy situation.
Another hurtful thought. During the day, three of her friends from her unit called her for questions or to pick on her. I have been gone from my usual assignment for six weeks. Had one visitor and one phone call from friends there. Several calls from people who care about me but no longer work there. Given what I have seen on the Saturdays when I go back, what I have learned about the dynamics of that place and how I "fit in" there, I'm guessing there is some relief that I'm gone. Like they needed the break from me as much as I need the break from them. Owww, owww, owww. My gut tells me I'm right on this. So... you know... I'm not looking to be talked out of this idea. I'm looking to be able to sit with it and accept it. Cause I'm pretty sure I'm right about it. Of course I'd rather I hadn't thought of that little gem. Sort of takes my breath away.
So, today, I'll be kind of extra. We will do an inventory like on my first day. It will be phenomenally more orderly and peaceful than my first day was. But she will still feel nervous. That is unavoidable. But I see her starting to make it her own and already form attachments. I see her learning style. It's going to be a good experience for her. Maybe it will be the beginning of her next journey. I feel good to be a part of that. I feel kind of proud of myself that I can do this kind of gracefully. More gracefully than I usually do things like this!!! And I feel really sad and tentative now.
I hope something good comes next. Well, this was good in many ways. But, as usual, it ended before I was ready for it to end.
On a somewhat related note: Yesterday my husband built me a fire in the fireplace and I burned up some emails and other little paper tidbits I had been hanging onto having to do with my last N. At first I was going to burn one page at a time and really draw it out. Then I looked at some of the papers and started to want to keep them again. So, I took the whole pile, about an inch high, and burned it all at once. Moved over a couple of the logs, really hot in there, and laid the whole pile in the middle, then put a burning log on top. Watched the pile turn black all at once. Stood there absorbing the fact that all the words were burned right up. When I was sure nothing was salvageable, I walked away and went about my day. Now there is an empty spot on my desk. Just my stuff left all piled up around that small, empty spot.
Some of what I burned stirs up shame in me. The unhealthy kind. I'm glad that is gone so I don't have to keep reminding myself of that. The healthy parts, the stuff I needed to learn, that can stay with me and take me into my future.
Going to try and go back to sleep now.
Pennyplant
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For PP:
I am not my job. My job is one thing I do.
Doing my job well or poorly is just me doing my job well or poorly.
Doing my work does not oblige me to be happy or unhappy.
I will be happy at some points and unhappy at some points.
My workmates, good and bad, annoying or nice, are not my parents or siblings.
Some workmates migt become friends, but they will not become my parents or siblings.
My workmates and I are all just people, good and bad, annoying and nice.
I make mistakes, my workmates make mistakes.
I am not a mistake.
I continue to learn.
I'm learning from this job change.
I am always free to think new thoughts.
love,
Hops
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Wow Pennyplant, you have a lot on your plate! I sure hope things get better for you soon. It is hard to go through stuff in life, without having to put up with it at work. I do both too. My Husband, Father, and his Sisters own the business I work for. 3 out of 5 of his Sisters work in the business. I started working there 5 years ago, it has only gotten better because I have finally starting speaking up. I can run almost all the departments.
You sound like a good and hard worker. It is hard hun. It seems to be affecting you health. Not sleeping and depression. I know that one all too well. I feel for you, I really do. Out of all this, you are learning important skills though. Things that will help you down the road. You are very wise in seeing things for what they are, and what you have to do. Hang in there, it will get better.
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Hops, I can use this "mantra" when I go back to work there on Friday. It'll give my brain something useful to do while I try to hold onto my gains of the past six weeks. If my brain is filled with positive and practical thoughts there just won't be room for the negative and scared thoughts. I did stop in quickly this morning and found out the co-worker who cut my assignment short with his complaints is doing his usual game-playing of whining and calling in sick needlessly. Eventually he may really hurt himself with his attitude and actions. Further evidence that what he did wasn't personal but rather all about whatever is wrong with him. Understanding this I can be patient and wait for my future to reveal itself.
Welcome, Tempesta, and thank you for your positive comments. I'm feeling much better as the days go by. One thing that I count as a plus is now I can actually recognize when I am depressed and I have some recourse when it happens. I have better coping skills. I can ride it out better now and not become despondent and hopeless. This whole episode with the job was about more than learning new career skills. I learned a lot about what kind of person I am and how to make the best of situations. I learned what I'm made of and learned that it is okay to be me. I have only rarely felt that in my life before. Many people have praised me throughout this and I can accept that from people. It doesn't seem like such a stretch to me now. Before I always doubted the sincerity of praise. I do know I have so much more to learn. But it is good to recognize what I did learn.
I am so glad I had this place to come to in the wee hours this morning when I couldn't sleep! This place is a real life saver. It is good to have a place to talk and good to know that someone will read and listen.
Also, before I always felt trapped by bad situations. I would always talk myself out of the graceful solution, such as transferring or going on a job search while still employed. I always convinced myself I would "get in trouble" with the current bothersome boss if they "found out". Getting in trouble was thoroughly taught to me as a child. That internal judge and jury again. Now I feel unafraid to check out other possibilities. It is not something I can just do quickly. I will have to check out the other possibilities and be sure I'm not transferring into something else bad. But I feel less trapped now that I am willing to really consider looking for another office that would be more compatible for me and more supportive of my goals. I'm starting to think I have goals! I also feel less intimidated by the people who want to trip me up. It feels like they have nothing to do with me. Pesky little flies.
Pennyplant
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((((((((((((((((Penny)))))))))))
As usual, we are on the same page... I can't tell you how many crappy jobs I endures, being treated like a pile of dung (although I did a great job, yet I think people know if you are willing to let them walk all over you).I told myself I was being "loyal," but I think the truth is, due to our backgrounds, we are afraid to take risks... Unless we are absolutely and completely trampled, we will put up with endless garbage (isn't that what we did when we were "loyal" in our homes??)
YOU SOUND SO GOOD!!! It is so awesome to read your posts here and see how your your growth is affecting how you perceive work... The tint is gone from your glasses and you are seeing it for real.
Lots of love, PP.
Beth
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Good morning, Beth! I was up early again, had a very strange dream that I think was about the lack of boundaries in my life up until just recently. This dream was too strange to share with anyone, but I'm satisfied I know what it meant. And another piece slips into place.
Yes, definitely people can tell if you will allow them to walk all over you. Many people go about their day seeking out such people for some reason. They sniff you out. I think with me part of the problem has been that I just don't know ahead of time what it is I want or hope to accomplish. So there is something of a vacuum in me and that draws in the wrong people. Just the way a real vacuum draws in dirt. So, it's important to fill in that big hole with more of me and what I hope for. I need to be more solid. Then there is less of a way for the dirt to creep in.
I thought of something newish this morning while I was digesting my weird dream. I was thinking of how many of us here didn't have the parents or FOO that we needed and we have spent much time looking for those people and re-creating the same dynamic over and over again.
I was thinking about the other side of what it means to not have proper parents, proper siblings, proper friends. The other side of it is that I never got to be a healthy daughter, a healthy sister, a healthy friend. I never became my real self because I never fulfilled my roles. So, instead of continuing to look for mother/father/sibling figures, I want to seek out the path that will allow me to be the daughter I couldn't be, the sister I couldn't be, the friend I couldn't be. There are other roles, of course, that I also got shortchanged on. But I don't want to get overwhelmed. And I'm not locked into doing this in any particular order. If life hands me an opportunity to work on the other roles first, then so be it. But it is this change in perspective that I think will make the difference for me. Instead of looking for someone to fill in for the people who let me down in life, I will look for places I can be or go to that will teach me to fulfill my personal roles.
And for now, I still want to work someplace else soon. I'm looking for a new job site and hopefully it will also be a place where I can make significant progress in my personal work. So, I'm going to tell a couple people that I'm looking to transfer and see what turns up.
A work in progress. Hope this makes sense to somebody!
Pennyplant
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This morning, while I still have access to Outlook at work, I emailed my former supervisor about the possibility of my transferring out to her office. She replied that she thought it would be a good fit, but not to put all my eggs in one basket. She also reminded me of a career development thingy coming up in April where I could meet the powers-that-be. So, I will try to go to that.
I still want out of my office because of the lack of support thing. But since she didn't respond with a ringing endorsement of me going there, or offer to "support" me, I will take to heart her advice to try several things and see what works out best. Not sure if I will jump right on the letter of transfer to her office or not. Email is kind of cold anyway but I think I would feel more welcomed into her sphere if she had just said, "yes". She didn't. So I will work on other avenues for now.
I was nervous when I sent the email, for just this reason. Her answer was not insulting or anything but it wasn't what I hoped for. Is anything ever what I hope for? No, probably not. But I think I will do okay if I divert my energy from how I feel about the less than enthusiastic answer and put that energy into my Plans B,C, and D.
Have some homework to do.
I think it is going to turn out that I need to be my own mentor.
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Colossal insight, PP--Wow!:
Instead of looking for someone to fill in for the people who let me down in life, I will look for places I can be or go to that will teach me to fulfill my personal roles.
Re. your superior's lukewarm email "sounds like a good fit but take it slowly" -- is it possible you're seeing a glass half empty that's half full? Email's a crappy way to transmit emotion anyway... She might have manager-reasons for not responding with clear enthusiasm that have nothing to do with you being unwelcome. But just something to do with her own job.
You think?
Hops
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You called it just right, Hops. She called me a little while ago with oodles of information. She knows of two or three possible openings for me to transfer to that will happen before she has an opening in her office. She walked me right through getting on the transfer list and we talked for an hour. You are so right. I started going all doom and gloom on myself and IT WASN'T PERSONAL AT ALL! How long will it take me to remember that???? As long as it takes I guess. So, we shall see what happens next. I do have people on my side, I just keep forgetting that.
Thank you oh wise one.....
Pennyplant
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Oh man, PP, does the whole world revolve around you too? How can we both be at the center??? Hee hee. I ALWAYS think it's personal!!!!! How awesome that she sent you all the info!!!!!! And you were already doing great by having a plan and being ready to move forward! I hope you asre feeling GREAT about yourself right now!!!!!
Lots of love,
Beth
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Beth, I feel like I made it around another corner of the road I'm on. It feels really good to be able to accept each thing as it comes and really let go of what I was feeling badly about once I realize I was out to lunch about it. Because not only do I struggle with everything is personal, I also struggle with moving on from feelings and wrong ideas. I have a very hard time shaking things off. But I'm learning how to do this. Oh, and I also catastrophe-ize things. Geez, I know that's a word, but it's not in the spell-checker! Oh, you know what I mean--it's always worst-case-scenario with me. All of that was going on in my head (to a lesser degree than usual, but still) because of a little email.
I may end up transferring a couple of times depending on the way the openings open up. But I want to take my time. I still have lots of things to learn before I'm ready to really step out there. The good news is, I think I'm going to get the chance to learn those things.
Off to start the day now.
Love, Pennyplant
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She called me a little while ago with oodles of information. She knows of two or three possible openings for me to transfer to that will happen before she has an opening in her office. She walked me right through getting on the transfer list and we talked for an hour.
This is soooo exciting PP. The great thing - that does not depend on ANY outcome, is that SHE knows YOU and really wants to help. This is very important. Your instincts about her are right. You happen to be in a terrible situation right now. Those nuts are are behaving in ways that allow you to doubt yourself and your worth. It is not about you. It is completely about them and I encourage you to see this. This person's responce is more proof that YOU are great. Keep your focus on this and on the good experience you've had away from your bunch of nuts and feel good about your self (not your situation) and keep believing and knowing that you will be out of it soon enough and able to really flourish.
I started going all doom and gloom on myself and IT WASN'T PERSONAL AT ALL! How long will it take me to remember that???? As long as it takes I guess.
I think this is a lesson we all have to learn over and over until it sticks. It so goes against what we grew up in. I am trying to learn to actually write down these things so that I can keep encouraged. If I believe then I can move forward. Just file this away and bring it out next time doubt surfaces with abandon.
Way to go PP - your friend - Gaining strength
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Thanks, thanks, thanks!
Today was my first day back in the loony bin. It went well. I was a little overly animated but I get like that anyway. No one would say I was acting strange or anything!
Even more ridiculous things have gone on there in the last couple days and many people are wondering, Why is it that certain people get whatever they want no matter how unreasonable, and certain others, the reliable ones, just get more and more piled on them? It is not my imagination!!! People just want to leave that place but probably won't. I feel far less trapped now that I have requested reassignment. My escape plan, if needed.
I really want to go work for my former supervisor, the one who helped me with the transfer list the other night. But I am content to let things develop and see how it plays out. There are so many variables.
Today I was able to focus on my tasks and who I wanted to talk to and who wanted to talk to me. I paid little or no attention to the various losers. At no time did my stomach do any flip flops, nor did my blood pressure soar. Long may this detachment last! I know I will be tested and probably sooner rather than later. But now I have some tools to fall back on. My tools that I learned while on my assignment. If I slip up, I can start again with the new ways I have learned. I'm putting way less pressure on myself. Does that ever help!
This next thing is somewhat related to the "incredible connection" we have talked about on WRITE's thread. A new guy started where I work this week while I was gone. So today is the first time I saw him or knew anything about him other than that someone was transferring in. (Little does he know....yet.) He looks so much like my first emotional affair that I lost my train of thought right in the middle of a conversation I was having with someone else. That little stab went right through me. The chemistry stab that I have missed for so long. He, of course, is just being very quiet and trying to make sense of his job. So, in this case, I am my own red flag. That feeling that I might call connection.... and it is all in me. There is nothing coming from this other person at all. He hasn't even seen me yet or anything. I don't exist in his world yet. So, the red flag is all mine. I won't have to struggle much with it if he doesn't ever notice me. If he does, then I will have to struggle with it. But this time, I know going in what my weakness is. I have some tools this time around.
I was pretty stunned though, that I did that again, let that chemistry thing bubble up again. The last thing I expected when I went in this morning. Isn't that always the way? Always something. It's way better to have some knowledge or experience to work with though. Before this place, this board, I didn't have that.
Pennyplant
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Hi Pennyplant,
So glad to hear about the positive response you received from your former supervisor. It's very uplifting.
Glad to hear you saw the red flag. That's so excellent.
Love,
dazed
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BRAVO, PP.
Both for seeing your own flag factory and also for putting way less pressure on yourself.
Both great. Not letting the stress build will also make you less vulnerable to flagwaving.
I'm very happy for you.
Hops
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I know every body, has a sob story. But I think I was treated unfairly, unjust, and very cruel. This is a true story, it really happened, and it really happened to me. I know every business, only have one real goal. “Profit” but when work conditions are so poor, I ended up in the hospital, and suffer in all ways possible. I remember the date that night because it was the 6th day of the 6th month. And we had pulled orders that began with 666 on the computer. I don’t attend service but I Believe in the higher power so that was strange to me. I the night although strange because of the computer orders, but more the less your typical night.
Come in, Punch your card, and do the same thing over again every day. It was all hard work, with its good days and bad days. Also where I am from the money was good also. I also had a new wife, “my one and only”,” “my better half” “the love of my life”. She had not one, but two buns in the oven, almost ready to serve. It was pretty much a mindless job but it gives you time to think, mostly about what we where going to do on my days off. And how big the total order load was for the night.
At the time I was happy with my job, and the way my life was going. The only thing that got to me then was the long nights, after the long night before that. My cousin that I grew up with worked their and their where plenty of new friends to be made.
My two beautiful girls where born, the best and the scarcest day of ever especially new daddy’s life. Even that day was odd, for the reason one of my new buddy’s wife, where up they’re for her planned C-section. After that every thing in the world where right for me. All though I am a worrier, I had no major worries at the time. My life made since and I had a reason for the world then. Life went on for a couple month, work was the same the work days got longer and the sleep got a whole lot less, come home to my beautiful wife and my precious daughters. Eat dinner, hold my girls, and kiss my wife. I felt Good I was supporting my family every Good family man dreams of.
That night of the 6th day of the 6th month started normal enough. My cousin Joe and I rode to work together, talking about the day ahead, old times, and comparing old stories on the way. The day went by like always. , Since we all had to ride around on motorized pallet jack vehicles. The isle where the product was kept where long for the orders we filled we didn’t get to speak much. “We had a 100 cases a hour for a quota” which should be have been simple enough for me, if the computers clock kept running even through your break and lunch half hour. I can’t explain the day in detail up to the accident that I remember and will never forget. One of the guys got his finger cut and had be taken to the hospital. At our 12 o’clock break I went like everyday to our sitting place, talking to our friends about who pulled the fast, bragging on what we had done the night before. All while smoking two cigarettes. Break time was over and because every one scatter from the break room to the parking lot, I was about one half to one third of the people going back to the jack room, where our jack would charge while break. I remember glancing up at this guy, going back to the freezer section through the isle. On his freezer jack, with his dairy shipping box, which is like a thick fiberglass refrigerator on wheels. The people in front and behind me where all bunch together in order to get to our charge station and get back to work.
As I walk past a pallet full of filled boxes, I hear a great Boom, I have never heard a bomb blow up but id say the sound of the metal fork slamming into the wooden pallet unsafely discard half way in the isle at 30 - 40 mpg sounds pretty close. I look up for a split second, and all I can feel that instant was like a baseball bat to my face. Then I remember getting up off the stack atop of the pallet. My eyes where blurry and I thought for some reason I had to go outside, I ended up getting about half way to the door. When the room started spinning around me with my legs week I came close to blacking out again. By the time I got to the stairs to sit down, I couldn’t make out the guys around me asking was I ok. After about 10 or 15 minutes all I felt was numb. So I went back to work, my supervisor gave me a pretty small order to pull. It wasn’t until I got the isle where I had to swing my arm out to make the turn of the isle I needed to be in the pain set it. It felt like I had been stabbed in the back hitting a nerve down my arm. I report back to my supervisor and tell him of the problem and he ask me if I where able to drive myself to the hospital, I Didn’t think I would be able to, so he sent one of the supervisor he was over. After I set at the hospital from 12 that night till 12 the next morning after getting up about 12 the morning before. They done the ex rays and the ct scans. And as ironic as it sounds the guy that cut the tip of his finger off was in the room across from me. Days went by and I thought I should report back to work, while I still had a job. Even though sore and in pain I was strong so I thought I could make it. The truth is I couldn’t. I report the main supervisor and tell him I need to go home, and he approves it. I call almost every on I could, finally after getting up with my dad. He said he would come and get me after he got off at 4 o’clock which it was like 1 at the time and at least a 40 minute drive I had to sit their and hold my head outside. Finally dad came and I had to make another trip to the ER. Even after that entire ordeal. I tried to go back to work, Even though at times my back was unbearable, and my job was mostly lifting things. I thought of my family. I know from before in my life as a kids being let down was a very hard thing to go through, so daddy had to work.
At the point I just couldn’t go back into work. I went and seen my dr. I told her what happened so she gave me a month to go to therapy and rest. I had not every been injured seriously at work. So I didn’t know what I support to do. All I thought was to see my dr. and do the therapy. The first day I was support to go to get my therapy. I over slept and had to rescale. The day before my rescaled appointment I cleaned my car out and since it was a nice day I thought id take it to the car wash. About a mile down the road I lose control of the car go in a ditch, then through a Colbert. The impact hit so hard it pushed the wheel back into my wife’s ankle and broke the bone on the inside and the outside. So for the next few weeks I have to take her for surgery around a 150-mile trip, and take care of her and my new twin babies all at the same time, while I was in serious pain myself.
About two more weeks pass, it was couple week till I returned on light duty. Walking over a huge building while bending over picking up trash. I hated leaving my wife to with two baby girls and her with a broken leg. About week or two passes. We noticed one of our babies was staring blankly at the ceiling. After I few days my mother who had seen people having seizures said she was having one. We rush her to the Dr. where her seizures get worse. She starts to tighten her neck, arms and legs, all at once. She had one at in front of her Dr., and she confirmed it. The worst feeling in the world knowing one of your babies has something wrong, and may not be with you very long. We take her to hospitals for weeks at time but her seizures just gets worse and longer. While one of the visits to the hospital my workplace called my dr. and since I hadn’t be able to see her, she assumed I was able to report back to work. And my workers I only received one of two monthly works comps check. So she released me without notifying me. Finally after one of my babies useless stays in the hospital for a week we get to bring her home where she is just as worse as she went in. I get a message on my answering machine telling me to report to work to speak with my boss and the human resources lady. I told them about what all had happened. And from what I understood, which was a comment my boss made was we are invested in you and I’m sorry about your family, but only I was important for them and I had to go back to work regardless So I had to go back to work. Being only 19 at the time I didn’t know what to do. So I went to see my dr. and by then my back pain were still as bad and my nerves where all tore up. She said I could take some sort of family medical leave, Even though I had worked their longer than 75% of the people their, was hired as a full time employee and got my insurance from them. I could apply for the family medical leave act because I wasn’t there long enough. Even that my daughter was having over twenty seizures a day.
So as bad as I hated it I was going to have to go back, my workweek began on Sunday, but Saturday night she just kept getting worse so we rushed her to the ER. My wife stayed home with our other baby to tend to. But after they admitted her into the hospital about 12 am Sunday, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go back to work. So I call my wife and tell her to notify my job and tell them I have to stay with my infant in the hospital. Just to make sure they got it I had a nurse fax them a statement notifying them about the situation. Regardless they told my wife if I was not their Monday I would be fired. Monday came at the hospital I faxed another excuse that I was still with my baby. The boss then notified my wife I was fired. So what was I to do now, no job, no way to pay the bills, buy diapers. Seeing my Baby lying their having seizures every hour, I felt lower than low. I wasn’t able to pack her because of my arm and back. I couldn’t play with my other daughter like a good daddy. I was useless. I went into a deep depression. Even though I wasn’t receiving income but only for 2 weeks for the month I was off. What then.
I do not blame the company for my baby getting sick, but just a few simple rules informed with some real safety. I would have never had so much physical pain with mantel pain overlapping it. I do blame them for that. My wife would have been able to stay with our baby in the hospital and taken care of the other to, but since they didn’t allow her to do so because of her freshly broken leg she couldn’t do much for the baby in the hospital room.
Another few months went by so I sought out an attorney, He filled a claim and sent me to his son the chiropractor for treat. But with no money to buy gas to even go to my medical DR. and chiropractor. I simply couldn’t. So I got even worse depress. My baby was still sick, my wife’s legs was still broke, I stayed in pain and couldn’t even pack them or hold them long, I feel they stole one of what should have been a best part of my life. I went to their dr. with the workers comp gas money check they sent. I tried to go to my dr. but even she told me there was nothing that she could do for me.
My first deposition came but I had to reschedule it since my daughter had to go to a different hospital. Those hospital stays even as tiring as they can be really help my baby. But where she had those seizures, they had to put a feeding tube down her nose and neck. Then a few weeks past and I made my depiction, I told what happened to me, and for some reason the workers comp lawyer asked if I was getting a physiological evaluation. My lawyer seemed to think, I didn’t need one, I couldn’t get any help, and I just couldn’t win. I couldn’t get my medical evidence together then, so they offer my 6000 to walk away. And the lawyer got 1200. So my life, my family life, all of our happiness is worth 4800 dollars to this company. I never even got an “I’m sorry this happened”. I just feel I was abused. Mistreated, which lead me to a dark depression. Not being able to get out of bed, not being able to sleep for my back and arms. Just my life was over at 19 when I had every important to me to look forward to, and 4800 dollars is worth the rest of my life.
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Dave,
I'm sorry for all your troubles.
Once you settle with workmens comp and they close it does not mean anything. If you have ongoing problems do to the original injury you can always reopen the comp case. People think because they took a settlement that it's a done deal.
Not so. There was a girl who had a settlement for 7000 originally. Years later her original injury cause other problems. she reopened the case and got another 30,000.
If you are suffering and working is compromised because of this injury. By all means pursue it further. Get another attorney.
Love Deb