Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: axa on February 09, 2007, 06:49:51 AM
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Guys,
Dont know where this is coming from but I am raging. I am so angry that that POS used me and lied and cheated on me. I have been doing so well but now I am raging. It is so not good enough. I want to contact him and let him know that I know about his dating sites, I know about his games I know everything about him, which of course I dont, and what good will that do me. I feel so abandoned and lost and so sad.
I dont know where all of this is coming from. I think what is making me so mad is that I feel so used and cast aside like I am nothing.
I dont know what to do.
axa
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Axa - your rage is an important part of the healing process. Rage and feel that rage, make notes about the thoughts, memories and understandings that come with your rage but then use every bit of your strength to resist acting on it. Think the thoughts but do not act. After the rage has passed, you will be able to begin part of the healing that actually feals good and it will come soon.
your friend - Gaining Strength
Just read CB's post - writing is an excellent act. Go ahead and write and feel free to be vitriolic. That will really help release much.
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CB & GS
You guys always come up trumps for me. Thank you very very much. Went outside for a while and released some of my anger. I wish I could sever the connection with him. I do feel as if I have been invaded by some sort of virus. Its nearly 2 months since we had contact. Got another email from a friend abroad who was all jolly saying how she met him and did I get a job yet.......nothing about the fact that we have split up. He is such a shit (sorry but I want to use really foul language). His inability to be honest is extraordinary.
He is due back in the country this week or next week and I think this is what is unnerving me. The only good thing is that I am off to India for a few weeks so that should get me over his time here. With a bit of luck he will be gone again by the time I come back.
The crazy bit is that while i am so angry with him, know that he is NPD, there is some part of me connected with him, like I feel sorry for him......... WHAT IS THAT ABOUT. He used me, messed me over, set me up and got what he wanted and I feel sorry for him. Please give me some feedback on this crazy feeling. I think this is the hook all the time that I get stuck on, feeling sorry for others, compassionate with others rather than myself.
Feelinng slightly calmer,
axa
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Two weeks ago I was with my father and I started to feel sorry for him and IMMEDIATELY I stopped myself. "NO. Don't feel sorry for him. It has never served you well and it doesn't do anything good for him either. It only causes me pain so stop right now." And it was gone. I just don't allow it. Remind myself immediately how feeling sorry for him has cost me in the past and done nothing beneficial for him - other than give him a hook into me to belittle, put down, squash, etc. etc.
If you can- just stop that feeling immediately. Switch your mindset. If you can't then just start practicing until you can. - your friend - Gaining Strength
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Hi Axa & GS,
Feeling "sorry" for others, especially Ns, can be a sign of codependency.
It's OK to empathize, but we do not want to loose ourselves by feeling their pain.
Axa, your guy was a shit. You are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LUCKY to be rid of him.
Yes, he did screw you over, but, you are no longer the person you were: You are aware now, you have a voice. How about feeling sorry for that person you WERE? She was kinda clueless (as we all were prior to realzing our voicelessness), but now, you are a new person and you are getting better every day.
The voiceless person you used to be (when you were together with him) is not who you are today.
"Got another email from a friend abroad who was all jolly saying how she met him and did I get a job yet.......nothing about the fact that we have split up." Axa, what's the deal with this "friend"? doesn't she know you broke up and that he's a shit?
Great to hear about India. Please report back because I would love to go there one day.
love,
dazed
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Hi Axa,
Glad you got some of that anger out. (How's the poor tree?)
It's pretty soon yet for you to be indifferent, you know.
Don't beat yourself up for a little bit of pity.
JUST STICK TO NO CONTACT!
I remember when my Nbf wounds were still healing I felt that too at times. I think it was:
1) leftover loooooooove, before I completely shook off the romance virus
2) real pity, since once the reality sinks all the way, there's horror at a real mental illness
You know this person will never, ever be capable of authentic intimacy, sacrifice and joy.
That IS sad.
BUT STICK TO NO CONTACT!
I am so glad you're getting away. Have you been to India before?
What attracts you there?
love,
Hops
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Axa: My xnh left me for another woman. I had a three month old baby......our second. He actually took my 4 year old and the baby over to the new woman's house and said to my 4 year old....."meet your new mommy...." Well, my 19 year old (now-used to be the 4 year old) won't have anything to do with her dad. She remembers the shit he pulled!! Oh, I was angry, too. Only good thing that happened was I lost 30 pounds in one month,,,,,
And get this.....a friend of mines h left her after 25 years of marriage. Several grown kids. He left for another woman. Anyway, rumor has it he was planning on going back with wife (after putting her and the kids through hell - the wife is really skinny now, too.....) Well they found him laying in a pool of blood in his driveway. He had been hit on the head with a brick. 47 years old. Dead. Wonder if the other woman got enraged?? Or if it was an accident? All I know is, you reap what you sow!! And sometimes you REALLY get it!!
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First post here - here goes nothing! Sorry to jump in mid thread but this message and your repeated line of STICK TO NO CONTACT really resonated with me.
I found this site while I was casting about on the net, feeling low about recently being cornered by situations outside of my control, into bursting the big bubble of denial that I'd been living in ("sure my father is a HUGE narcicist but he's not really HURTING anyone, he's just a bit eccentric... it's fine! We're all fine!")
Someday when I have more energy I'll detail the whole ugly thing, but long story short, I decided I needed to cut him out of my life in September, and just this month I have started wondering if perhaps I was hasty, perhaps I should try to make an effort to reconnect.. despite him never apologising, never seeking reconciliation, even despite him cutting off as 'traitors' other family members who simply said, "we want you in our lives but we don't want to listen to you talk about this one particular topic - let's agree to drop it".
Argh - this is all coming out muddled. With no backstory, I'm sure it makes no sense at all. But thank you, hopalong, because what I really needed to read right at this moment was the advice you gave to axa. STICK TO NO CONTACT. The person I'm yearning to connect to isn't my father as he really is - it's my father as I wish he was.
Contacting my actual father to quiet my yearnings for that "fantasy father" would just lead to more suffering for everyone.
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Wow, Maitri.
That's a powerful start!
I think you deserve good kind fatherly men in your life.
I'm glad you've come here.
I'll look forward to your story, as much as you feel like telling, bits at a time are welcome.
As you are.
Hopalong
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Dear Axa,
I am glad to hear you are raging at the injustices, lies and betrayal. Afterall, it has only been two months. The anger part is scary and comes out at the oddest times. I remember you were feeling bored, I guess it was the calm before the storm.
You loved your N with good intentions and with lots of hope in your heart. You practiced devotion and commitment to him and your relationship. Suddenly, it ended.
This is post traumatic shock that we are talking about. You sound like a very resilient person given the circumstances. Each wave of feeling is getting you closer to breaking his spell.
I know how hard it is to stop loving. It is in one's very molecules and muscles and synapses in the brain. You cant beat it out of yourself. Just really really love yourself and have compassion for those big big feelings that come over you.
Do not contact your X. Write constantly if you have to. This is so hard to do. Don't contact. Let people who care cradle you through this separation. He is bound to put you through the spin cycle if you contact him. One way or another.
Going to India? India WAS lovely, wasn't it? Love the RAJ and all that. Keep the connection here.
your friend
Sea storm
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You guys are the light in my life right now.
About our mutual friend from abroad who emailed me. NO she did not know it was over. She is shocked. She got the impression that I was at home looking for work but he gave no indication that there was any problems with us. This is what he does, tells a little of the truth but not the whole story. I think that he knows that I was well regarded by the people we met when we lived aborad and also that they are a bit wary of him so it does not make him look so good if they know I have taken flight. Maybe somewhere in his crazy head he thinks I am going to be back there with him someday. NOT>
Sitll sticking to the No Contact Rule
I have dropped about 30 pounds also.........silver lining and all that! Everyone tells me I am looking great.
About India. For some reason it was my dream for a long time. I saw a film once called Monsoon Wedding and the colour was just so magnificiant I decided some day I will go there. Well I am making it a reality. XN and I talked about going there but always ended up going to where he wanted to go.
DAzed I think you are right there is an element of co dependancy here, need to work on this. You are right I am so lucky to be rid of hiim and need to remember this.
thank you all,
axa
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Tells a little of the truth but not the whole story
Tells what you need to know
Tells what he/she wants you to know
Tells what he/she decides you will know
All according to the rule book of N's :(
Leah
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Leah
Could not have put it better myself. I often looked to see the lies but would become confused because sometimes I would find out what he said was true but still had doubts........... of course because I was not getting the full story.
thanks,
axa
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Axa,
I loved Monsoon Wedding! And oh YES to the colors!
So glad you're fulfilling this dream of yours.
I had a friend who lived there...she sent the most amazing descriptions.
India takes over, I hear.
How did your dinner party go??
Hops
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Hops,
Dinner party was great, 11 people, lots of candles, made a wonderful moroccan beef stew with honey and dates, couscous, parship yougurt and honey salad.......... lots of really good conversation, wine, and even a little dancing at four in the morning. Met some nice new people also which was an adventure.
I read the most wonderful books last year by an Indian author. I cannot remember his name something like Minstry R???? or something like that will check it out and let you know.
xxaxa
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Axa,
I don’t know if this will help you with your anger. It helped me though.
My experience with my N friend is about a pure as it will get dealing with an N.
I believe I was the only one she showed herself to. I still don’t know why.
She came right out told me. I’m selfish, I will use who I have to, I will get rid of them when I’m done and serve no purpose to me any longer.
She told me she networks for new prey.
She told me she would deny her lies till the day she dies. She told me she’s rude, crude, and arrogant and that is just she. She means no harm but that is how she lives.
She told me you accept her or you don’t.
She told me she is the master of manipulation.
She looked at me crying at a funeral one time turned around looked at my kids crying and said in a soft puzzled look from her eyes into mine (like a kid trying to understand) I don’t know why I’m not crying. I don’t’ feel anything.
She told me she has no feeling for anyone if it interferes with her own.
She told me I could look right through her.
She told me that really bother her.
She told me she would get revenge.
She told me she is afraid of me.
She told me she respected me.
She told me she would hurt me.
She told me that this is how she survives.
She told me that she is entitled.
She told me the truth.
She told me she would never ever say this to any other human on this planet.
She will deny it.
I just didn’t listen very well.
When I asked why she does those things. She said cause I can they let me. It’s not my fault if they allowed me.
She showed me a true N and what they are and how they tick.
The only thing is She does not know she is an N.
She just thinks that is normal for her.
Very sad, she is so broken.
So I do respect her for telling me those things. In some odd sense I believe she wanted to save me from herself. Cause she know what she does.
Love Deb
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Oh and there is one thing else that she said
I have known her for for a long time and only heard this about 2 to 3 months before we ended our friendship.
She had spoken of a person that she has hurt very bad and treated poorly. She had said that she is sad to date over this and wishes she could turn back time. She said she never got to apologize they would not give her the chance. She was truly sad.
She is a very outspoken person and I do not think there is anything that I don’t know about her right down from the arts and crafts she made as a kid.
That is all she would reveal. No names, what happened, nothing. I did not ask who it was or what she did. If she wanted me to know she would of said so. This was out of sort’s behavior for her.
I sometimes think still who was it, what did she do, why is it that she had so much emotion I have never seen before. Do you think it was for herself? Do you think it was for me although it was before our ending of the friendship? It was so weird.
Thanks
Deb
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Hi Deb,
The truth is, several Ns I have been involved with have made statements like that to me, and I do believe they came from conscience. (Well, the type of conscience some higher-attuned Ns may have.) One said, in telling me how he told his father about me, "And I said Dad, I'm going to hurt her". Another said, "You don't want to be in love with me, I have a very very dark place inside." Another said, "I lie all the time."
And with each, I did feel there was some sense of honor: I have told her what I am. Meanwhile, if she's dancing around with her fingers in her ears going lalalalalalalala can't HEAR you, well, I'm not responsible for her pain. (And I still get laid! Whee!)
But you know, after a while, I realized they were responsible for their behavior, but NOT for my repeated, obsessing, addictive response to it. THAT caused me most of the pain. Like being shown fire burns and still sticking your hand in it.
I've gotten better since I've gotten bored with blaming them. Life is more productive for me when I focus on what my fears of letting go are about. That's where the nuggets are, I think.
I'm starting a class tonight at my church on Core Beliefs. Really looking forward to it!
Hops
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hiya axa
I am so glad to hear that you have come out of your anger mode and are putting things together.
When someone is in a 'rage mode' I don't know what to say, because when I become angry, I would always push it down inside.
I think I wrote somewhere that I might be bottomless pit of anger, but in the meantinme I am working on my shame-based life.
Again, good for you and how are you now?
xx
Izzy
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DebKor:
I found your description of your N friend amazing and helpful. thanks.
Really amazing.
Hops:
That information about the N mind is frightening and a wake up call.
Sea storm
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Hops,
I've gotten better since I've gotten bored with blaming them. Life is more productive for me when I focus on what my fears of letting go are about. That's where the nuggets are, I think.
You are absolutely right. Feeling is mutual.
I'm really interested and excited for you tonight on the class you are teaching. Let me know how it goes.
Have fun, enjoy!
Love Deb
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Thanks, Deb...
I'll be a (long in the tooth) student. My UU minister is teaching it and I respect her a great deal.
She is the child of a violent person who was in a prison camp.
And, one of the most graceful, compassionate people I know.
So I'm eager to learn more from her.
We've got bad weather coming though, so I may have to wait a week!
Will keep y'all posted.
Hops
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Thank you for these posts.
XN told me, near the end, that he would never leave me but would ride me into the ground like a beach donkey. He said
You have no idea how devious I am
I have used everybody i know
I have used xwife as a stick to beat you with
I left xwife back into my house to punish you
You think I don t know what you want and because I know does not mean I will give it to you.
I have no feelings
I dont understand what you mean when you describe your feelings
I have no empathy
I think I will never die
I think nothing bad will ever happen to me
I have bad spirits inside of me which are causing me to behave in a bad way
I know what I am doing is hurting you but I will not stop
I have read Sam V NPD and that is how I feel
I dont care about others
I do not undersatnd making love I think sex is a function like going to the toilet.
I sabotage anything which is good
........... could go on and on. and yes HOPS I did not want to hear. What are Core Beliefs Hops?
Deb,
About your XNfriend. It was chilling to read the list but not unlike some of what XN told me. What you said about respecting her for saying these things. Well, I know that when XN would reveal something it was as if it left him off the hook to abuse me to whatever degree he choose. They just give me the creeps. I think if Ns stayed in this mode they would not be aproblem as we could spot them a mile away what is disgusting is the chamelion like way they sneak through life, grooming and then revealing.
I worked with some xcons at one stage and while they were a scary bunch there was something honest about them in that if I saw them walking down the street I would have known by their aggressive mode to stay away. There was no covering up there.
About your XNFRiends emotion. I think everything is about themselves. When XN would cry and boy could he turn on the tears it was always always about himself. He also knew that the tears and emotion and confessional conversations would melt my heart ....MORE MANIPULATIOn
I would not waste my energy being sorry for any N.
axa
Issy,
Feeling quite good today. Spent yesterday evening painting and I just love it. Three friends come to my house and we paint every monday evening. We are hoping to do some life drawing soon and trying to decided which one of us should take off her clothes and model. All complaining about our saggy bums and wrinkles...........so all in all good. Rage gone again
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Axa,
When my ex friend told me all about herself. I did not feel sorry. I did not feel shocked.
I felt she wanted me to challenge her. I felt she wanted a competiton. My friend knew I was familiar with it. I had traveled her road just with another host before. She could see it in me. She could see old wounds and maybe a tiny little hole that has not completely been closed up where maybe she could slip in. That scared the hell out of me. I had to go back and see where that hole was that I was unaware of but so attractive to N’s.
I said no to her friendship or No to being her supply. Our friendship no longer exists.
Like the verse from that old song
“I won’t dance, don’t ask me”
Love Deb.
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Well done DEb,
As my old friend A. de Mello says it is not until we have suffered enough that we stop going to the place of pain
xxxxxxxx
axa
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Hi Axa,
The class is called Discerning Your Core Beliefs.
IOW, you go through exercises to clarify for yourself the best way to describe/distill your spiritual beliefs.
Mine has been "I'm a very optimistic agnostic" for a long time. I'd like to refine or expand that. The class I missed was Creating Daily Spritual Practices. I want to take that one when they offer it again..
For me, theologically, The Golden Rule is enough.
Hops
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axa
Lock your site eh?
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Hey Izzy,
What does Axa need to do?
What does "lock your site" mean?
Thanks,
Hops the Luddite
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If she locks her site, that BOOB will not be able to post the spam on it! There was a SPAM post before that of mine but the spam was removed after I said to lock the site.
I locked one of mine that was HIT.
izzy
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still being thick, here...
you mean lock a web site...lock a thread? But we're still here...
you mean Axa emails from a website and in some way that means spammers follow?
I have no clue. You'd have to spell it out for me.
Maybe you're talking about a firewall?
I didn't know one website could spam another...
Oy, it's all so confusing. Glad you know what's going on anyway, Iz, thanks!
Hops
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Just dropped by and noticed that this particular thread has been Spam targeted yet again, a recurrence during the last 3 days.
Since joining the board, whenever I have spotted a Spam Attack .... I have clicked on "Notify the Moderator" and entered into
the dialogue box .... something like .... "SPAM ATTACK" adding either, Sex or Teen, as relevant.
Then Dr Grossman has on each notification, subsequently deleted the Spam Post.
After posting this post, I will do likewise, Click on the Moderator link .... with the narrative of "Spam Attack - Sex Links"
and shortly, Dr Grossman will delete it from the thread, as is the norm.
Hope that helps folks!
Leah x
Each time anyone spots a thread "Spam Attack" Posting, I think it best to Click on Notify Moderator, to notify Dr Grossman so that he can delete it, keeping the board free and safe from spam.
Hopefully, whoever is engaging in this 'game' will move on somewhere else!
Have noted a trend on posting v spam attacks.
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Thanks Leah,
for telling us how to handle it, 'cuz I really disliked to see a good post spammed and come to an end--- I handled it wrong.
Izzy
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Well I do that too, always...
except I don't fill in a comment because I figure Doc G realizes it's just a spam report
I was wondering if Izzy-whiz was talking about something else in mysterious machineland...
Hops te Luddite
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Hi,
I'm locking this thread because it has become the target of a computerized spammer. Axa, if you want to begin a new thread as a continuation of this one, please feel free. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Best,
Richard