Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: seastorm on February 17, 2007, 08:07:10 PM
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I have been noticing that about five times more people read posts than respond to them. In one case over two thousand people read the post and 1 out of 100 resonded.
I started to get the "willies" over this. Some of the stories are so sad and yet people don't even write to say, "sorry bud, that is said". Some stories are really tragic and about human maulings that should never happen in a sane world but the people just read them and what???? I started to feel like there are voyeurs feasting on lurid tragedy, or silent witnesses who see but don't extend a hand, or maybe there are doctoral students doing research on the viability of computer support groups.
Imagine 2000 hits on a post and 20 replies. What does this mean?
I invite the silent people to say why they don't respond. I am really curious.
Sea storm
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Hmmmmmmmmmmmm
Hi
I am a 'guilty ' one., and I'll tell you why.
My experience with the psychopath lasted 4 + years and was just as horrendous as anyone else's whether an N or a P, but has been ver for 4+ years.
I don't feel like telling my story again and it hurts (yes, me with no emotions) to read of someone still stuck in the mix and not into No Contact, yet. I've already admited my life has been filled with junk and I don't know how much good advice I could impart!
There were no children invovled re P/N
There are instances whereby someone must have Contact with the N because of children----that boggles my mind.....as my eldest grandson lives with his N father, divorced from my daughter and g'son is already, at 20, showing N traits. The other 2, 17 and 14 with my daughter are both in Therapy because of N dad.
I'm understanding now that MY dad was an N and my sister is an N, and it's all blowing my mind, especially since 'know it all' sister says, " read the bible and you'll be fine and throw out your shit".--somethiing like that--
We all have similar cirumstances, and like all kinds of different things that work for us in getting better. I'm just a babe, finding one thing at a time. Remember my first post and I said the psychiatrist said I had Avoidant Personality Disorder?---well I've tossed that away. I'm crawliing along just picking up what I think will help me, and when I have found something, I will post.
I posted about Shame, but Stormchild did so, 2 years ago. We will have to update our newbies with these findings.
Did I make any sense? I'm away from the N, and now I work on me, voicelessmess/shame and whatever else I come across.
Do I appear selfish?
Love to all
IZZY
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I only respond when I think I've got something to contribute or might have some insight. I can't see the point in responding on a topic where I don't have experience or I know many people will be able to respond better.
Of course if I see an opportunity for a wise crack then I definitely comment, otherwise I don't contribute unless I think I've got something useful to say.
mud
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Guests reading the threads and posts
far out number the members Users at any given time
which would have a significant impact on the stats.
Leah
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I find that the ratio of reads to responses is normally around 10 reads per reply. Anything in that range seems normal to me.
We do have a slew of folks who just read, here. Any active web site will have a lot of folks who drop in regularly to see what's going on but don't participate directly. And there are a lot of members who have zero posts, too. That's the "Cloud of Witnesses" I tend to go on about, and it's one of the things that makes cyberspace unique. More power to them!
For the folks who do post, though, it can seem pretty cold when someone starts a thread about something painful, or something that's difficult for them to discuss, and it sits for hours with no reply. [I've pulled a whole slew of posts because of this, myself. It seems as though the more emotionally charged the issue, and the more I really, really, really want someone to reply, the more likely it is that nobody will. I do think that when people step outside their usual roles, it scares other people away. Unfortunate, but part of human nature, I guess.]
Ages ago I suggested - and a few months back I think I suggested it again - that when someone posts in obvious pain, and people who do routinely post - just can't think of anything to say - then, typing a few parentheses around that person's name - giving them a cyberhug, at least - is a whole lot better than leaving them only an uninterpretable silence. Like in realspace, when we pat someone's shoulder or give them a hug at times when words fail us. That's something we can do even if we're hurting, ourselves, when we read what they've posted... even if it brings back painful memories for us, surely we can at least manage a hug for them?
We'd do that much in realspace, in a heartbeat.
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I was on this website for a long time before I posted anything, and then I did it anonymously ( you could with the old sites )
I was just so traumatised.
These days I have very limited computer access so I just log on and respond to one or two things or pms.
I still write my thoughts down even if no one responds with a post, it's useful and cathartic for me and I know from time to time someome will message me and say something was helpful.
Hope everyone is doing okay tonight.
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This is so interesting to me.
I agree Stormchild. Really painful disclosures are the popular ones to reply to but need to be attended to quickly and some kind of empathy would be helpful. People are at all different stages of healing and disclosure so there needs to be room for this. And there is most times.
A couple of times I have felt like I was left blowing in the wind and it was very hard to wait and wait.
I recognize everyone who posted here and I am not thinking that they should post more. Some people read the posts and never reply. They are the great unknown.
Sea storm
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((((((((((Seastorm))))))))))
((((((((((big old manx kitty with tufts between his toes))))))))))
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Respectfully, I take another tack.
I feel fine with lurkers and silent readers.
I don't know who they are.
You who post are real friends to me.
I think of you at times during the day just as I do my 2D friends.
But those who only read...I think they have their reasons.
I don't want anyone who just reads here to feel unwelcome.
I'm willing to process a lot of my stuff here in cyberspace because I trust the group process here.
But maybe so many others don't feel that safety, or aren't drawn to being public.
It's okay with me. I don't want anyone to feel obligated.
But I'll provide a ((((((((())))))))) anytime to someone who needs a response, and if nobody's noticed --including me--I invite you please to SAY...hey, I really need a hug.
You'll be swarmed in parentheses, I swear.
love,
Hops
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To remain silent I believe is ok. For the people in pain the victims of abuse if they want to read till their eyeballs fall out and never say a word it does not offend or bother me at all. I hope that the post on here gives them some comfort and know they are not alone even if they never respond. It’s harder for some then others to be able to express what they feel or not even know what they are feeling and be able to do it in comfort. I know this all to well and have been there done that. I hope they don’t feel guilt for not saying anything and remain coming, reading, learning and searching.
We all do things at our own time for our own reasons and sometimes it goes unspoken.
They may choose to speak or not but the bottom line is everyone who is here or traveled here is here for a reason.
There is no pressure here you speak or you don’t but we all share (voicing it or keeping silent and that is the beauty of this board.)
Love Deb.
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I think it is ok to read until your eyeballs pop out too. Very good to read.
I was wondering. I was curious and a bit paranoid all of a sudden. No attack intended.
I welcome all newcomers. I was new a short time ago.
Sea S.
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Sometimes I want to post, but don't have enough time to do so.
Sometimes I don't post because I feel that I can't add anything constructive.
I like Storm's idea of cyber hugs.
Izzy: You ain't crazy or selfish. Do what makes you comfortable.
Agree with Hops: non-posters are fine.
I like to think we are all free here and can act as we choose.
dazed
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I invite the silent people to say why they don't respond. I am really curious.
To all the silent people ........ ((((((((((( you are always welcome here ))))))))))))))
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Hey all......I have to tell you that I often times read these posts on my phone. It is so hard to write on a phone. So when I get home and have access to a computer, I usually go to what I am obsessing about right now and that is my trauma post...................just trying to process this job situation and it is consuming me....so I apologize for only thinking of myself in this instance.
I also have to admit that some posts interest me and others do not. I may read and not have anything to say. Some posts are long excerpts from some psychological journal and I think the purpose of those posts are to be informative.....
My two cents.....
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Hi Kell,
Sea storm was inviting the 'silent' ones to respond on this thread.
All who have responded so far, are the ones that do post, you and myself included.
Agree with what you say regarding informative postings - exacting as it says on the label - for reading and digesting
coming back to as and when.
Have a great Sunday ((((Kell)))))
Leah x
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(((leah)))) you, too!!
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Sometimes I read and don't know what to say. Sometimes I read and cannot sort out what I want to say. sometimes I read and have nothing new to offer. Sometimes I read and can't quit writing.
Sometimes I post and feel so left alone with what I've post and then I wonder, "Why did no one reply?" and feel rejected until I remember why I don't always reply. - GS
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I dont want anyone to feel defensive. I think it is amazing that a post can have over 2000 hits and yet have only 25 replies. Theer must be an army of people who just read and don't post.
I felt like an idiot about posting and it took a sort of jump off the bridge and see what happens effort to post the first few times. I expected to be revealed to be a bad person or a useless , stupid person worthy of scorn. I think it helps to take a risk and communicate here.
I don't mean peopel are lazy or disrespectul. They are quiet and out there.
Maybe they know someones thread or story really well and they follow it. I have a lot of imagination and I wonder about the people who visit and just pass by. Maybe something here has changed their life or helped them in some small way.
So this is not a critcism or an attack.
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((((((((((Seastorm))))))))))
I didn't feel attacked or criticized and I didn't feel as though you were attacking or criticizing anyone else... you just noticed that a lot more folks read than respond, and were wondering what that meant.
Hugs to you --
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(((((( Sea Storm sweetie ))))))
You asked the " silent people to say why they don't respond. I am really curious."
Which just goes to show, just how valuable a person you are, a curious thinking person.
You asked a most interesting question ...... and it provided interesting feedback and thoughts,from all of us who do post,
and you invited those who never post to exercise their voice, if they wish to ........ wonderful stuff!
(((Leah))))
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The regular posters do such a good job, often I have nothing more to add :) Time and attention span are other issues for me. Reading/ writing too much on the computer starts messing with my brain after awhile. So I don't reply if I don't think I can do justice to the topic.
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What if we are afraid of saying something stupid? What if we say something that hurts? What if we do not know what to say?
I agree with the cyber hug. It is like at work. Some people totally ignore me at mork. Like those students ignored by the popular cheer lieders. But I believe that at least a good morning should always be observed. Something that many people dont do and when you say good morning it is like you dont exist. Hope I am not saying anything bad.
Lupita
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Lupita,
I think you are the very kind of person that Seastorm was talking to when she started this thread. People who have something valuable to say, but who are afraid to participate. All of us would hate missing the chance to know you.
You didnt say anything stupid, Lupita. I'm glad you are here.
CB
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What if people get disappointed for not having any response and they start modeling their posts with the objective of getting responses? That would be terrible. Because then people would not express them selves and would not be honest. What if they do it unconsciously? Maybe we can model our personality to become more likable to be able to have friends? But, then we would not be ourselves and would not be honest. I am confused. Guess everything I feel is confusing.
Lupita
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Lupita, hon,
When I was much younger I could not stop groveling and apologizing, because I felt terrible shame simply for existing. I think a lot of it was the religious messages I absorbed. Shame and guilt from the get-go, starting with being female.
I finally recognized the degree to which this had distorted my sense of self when a friend said to me with real caring and seriousness, I wish you would stop apologizing so much, I feel uncomfortable saying anything to you because I don't want you to feel so guilty.
I answered with real caring and seriousness, "I'm sorry I apologize so much."
:shock:
Hopalong
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We have seen each other on our good days and our bad days and I have noticed that the people here are very accepting of the bad days.
Oh, how true this is. That is one of the very important things I have been able to learn here. That when things go bad it is not always a forever thing. There were times when fights occurred here on the message board and I lost hope and thought, wow, I don't even fit in here. But for some reason I kept reading even when I couldn't put any responses together and I got to watch some of the ways difficulties get resolved. I never had that modeled for me while growing up!
I still have a long ways to go. But I am changing!
If people model their posts just to get a response, that might be a stage in their learning process. The thing is, others will respond from their point of view. Such a post can still be a learning situation. There have been posts on occasion that have raised red flags with me. I have slowly learned to trust my instincts. So, even that was useful, maybe not in the way the person intended.... And sometimes I have learned that I was nervous about a post when I didn't need to be. So, I'm also learning to be open-minded rather than dismissive right away.
This is quite a place!
Pennyplant
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Hi ((( Lupita )))
You have raised some interesting points, and, I can see that you are a most thoughtful person.
Happy to see you here on board.
Keeping posting as you feel comfortable.
CB has given you sound advice.
Leah x
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seastorm,
Thank you for asking this question. I hear you loud and clear, however, I am one of your culprits. I came here almost a year ago and was very active at that time and for several months following. My life has gotten very busy in a positive way. I do not check in as often as I would like. This group was very key in assisting me through some major life changes and awarenesses. I am beyond grateful and wish to be there for another in need as this group was here for me; not to mention I like to keep up with the lives of those I met here.
There are times I read a post and its replies and do not feel that I could add anything other than, "Yeah! What he/she said.". Truthfully, I do not wish to minimize the person's issue with an, "I am so sorry." It seems trite. I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes words fail me.
I read a post yesterday that hurt me so deeply (for the poster). I wanted to respond. Again, words just failed me.
You have struck a chord in me with your post. I will make a more solid attempt to be responsive in the future.
ANewSheriff
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In response to CB
I did not have that when I was a child. My parents did not send me to kindergarten beacuse they thought that was a waste since they did not learn nothing there but only went to play. Also, my mother always told me that the only person I should love was her, because only her would give me a kidney if I needed it, and only her would love me. She always said that I did not need any friends, that friends only cause problems, and she did everything she could to avoid me having any kind of social life. I was never able to invite a friend to my house, never ever. So, at 50 now, thinking it is never too late to start having friends, and to stop being isolated, old dogs dont learn new tricks, i am trying to be a likable person, but not usccessful yet. It is an effort, huge effort. Sometimes, impossible.
Lupita
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Dear Lupita,
Your responses have been invaluable and have opened up real dialogue. Good for you.
I think that I am the one with the problem of counting the number of posts. I am so imature sometimes that I DD count them. Actually everytime. And if I don't get any responses I start compulsviely going to the computer until I do. Well, this needs to come out. There it is. I don't care if someone just says "that is too bad" or "I am rooting for you" or "you are a weenie". It is somethng.
From putting out my truth and my story I have moved from a suicidal recluse to a person who feels supported and who is believing in herself through a huge life transition. When I first started posting I had no self esteem and I was afraid of rejection. I would hope that if there is someone who was like me ( hurting, scared, in limbo) that they would start writing ANYTHING. I think that people here pick up on the smallest clues of someone testing the waters and they shower them with warmth and acceptance. I just love that.
( My grandfather was a travelling evangelist and I like to spread the word to. This is the closest I have come to a loving community.
Sea storm
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Sea, my sympathy goes for you. It is wonderful that you have overcome a deep sad feeling. I have had the desire to die but never been suicidal. Hope that never happens.
Love,
Lupita
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To all the amazing and wonderful people on this board,
I have one answer about why people read and do not respond. It isn't the only answer--just my answer.
I have been reading and not responding since about June or July of 2005.
In March of that year, my best friend and roommate from college (we were called the happytwins) died.
She had been married to another friend, who was not a very good guy.
I had been (since October 7, 2003, when I happened to read Codependent No More) in recovery, trying to deal with my dysfunctional family.
After she died, and I feel it was due to her inspiration, I found information on the internet about NPD, and then I found this board.
I was able to see that her husband, and my father, were both pathological Ns, (and I think of my mom as an 'n', not able to be compared to their intense Nness, but still pretty n on her own account). Eventually this info and other support helped me practice no contact with my parents and my friend's husband. No contact has been incredibly healing for me and for my husband.
This board has helped me learn so much since then, and especially has validated my experience, feelings, etc.
Why have I never posted?
1) I tend to have an addictive personality, and thus don't have the internet at home. when we've had it at home, i have a hard time limiting my time, enjoying 3D life, being with my family (wonderful supportive husband and 2 boys, one 16, one 4), etc.
2) So I can only check the boards when I'm at the library with my laptop, and then I'll often download pages to read at my leisure at home.
3) voicelessness
4) fear
I can only say, God bless the internet, Dr. Grossman, and all of you.
I hope to tell my story sometime soon, but if I don't, it isn't because I don't trust you. This is the safest board I have ever seen.
Know that I am, thankfully, doing well, but always with so much more to learn, and so I come here and share in the good things.
Thanks for tolerating (and even hugging!) lurkers.
sincerely, happytwin
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(((( Lupita )))) (((( Sea Storm )))) (((( Happytwin ))))
Leah
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probably because they have been shot down at one point or another?
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Thanks for that warm and generous post, happyTwin.
Makes me feel good to think of you as a lurker...lurk away!
Reading guest, I hope you didn't feel shot down.
There have been a few kamikaze meltdowns in the past,
but you could come back and say what hurt and why.
I think people listen here with good hearts and goodi
intentions. I feel safe even when a conflict brews now
and then...because there's a sense of rejoicing in me
when I start to connect again with someone i got
myself off track with...
Hops