Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on March 04, 2007, 11:33:27 PM
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Poor Mom.
We live just 5 min. from the hospital, and I just left her there.
This is the 3rd time in about 8 months.
She got "stuck" on the john, and I couldn't persuade her to move and she was very disoriented.
She's gotten very heavy in the last year, just eating and no exercise...and I can't lift her. When she doesn't feel well she goes completely limp, sort of regresses.
At any rate I called our nurse neighbor for a 2nd opinion, I was thinking of calling 911, and she said if you can't move her you'd better call them. So I did, and they took her, and I went, and then they said I couldn't go back with her yet, she's still disoriented, so I left my number and told them to call me as soon as they've evaluated her. I'll go right back, but I just couldn't take another 3 or 4 hour wait in those chairs, my back just spasms.
So the poor thing is in the ER on her own. I know she's in good hands (we've been to this little hospital about 8 times) and they will keep me posted and I'll go back as soon as they have her settled for the night. But I just couldn't sit there any more.
I came home to post and be with my dog and sit in bed until they call. I feel guilty but also, not.
It was like a switch in my head flipped and I said to myself, you don't have to be sitting in pain for hours to show you're a good daughter. She is safe and warm and they're taking care of her.
Oy. I had to go stand in the front yard and cry with my fingers in my ears because she wailed so piteously when they had to lift her off the toilet, but no matter how I tried to persuade her she wouldn't try to help herself stand up and they had no choice.
I just hate it. I hate seeing her suffer and not being able to help but at the same time I hate the stress of it. This is about the 8th hospitalization for her and I am on autopilot.
guilt, guilt guilt...
HOps
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Hops
((((((Hops)))))))) Nothing to be guilty of. I hope your mom is ok. Want you to know I'm thinking of you.
Deb
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thanks, Deb, I need that.
love,
Hops
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((((((hops)))))))))))))))
a bad night, and all will be better in the morning!
((((((((((((love))))))))))))))
Izzy
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((((((((((((((((((((Hops and Poor Mom)))))))))))))))))))))))))
tt
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Hiya Hops:
So sorry things are so hard for you and your mom. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make all your troubles go away. 8) Wouldn't that be lovely? Best I can do is suggest you take some deep breaths, try to relax, and imagine that to be the case, for a little while. Just to give your head and heart a rest and dream of something comfortable and happy eh?
I've been reading about guilt lately because I believe I'm a master at it. Here's some stuff I've found helpful....maybe it will help you a little too?
Apparently you and I are not the only ones who do the guilt thing to ourselves. :shock: So we're not alone and that makes us more normal than not. One thing you're doing right is discussing your feelings, which is supposed to really help (which fits with my favorite motto: better out than in :shock: 8)). Sharing often helps a person to see that what they did or thought or felt wasn't so horrible. So keep talking!
I'm thinking that you feel guilty for leaving the hospital? For hating having to watch and care for her as she suffers? Maybe even for not being able to do anything that helps, when she gets like this?
I love logic so I'll go there first. How logical would it be to sit in the uncomfortable chair in ER, as your back spasms? Who would that help? Can you forgive yourself for that part...since it only makes sense that you must take care of your back if you want to keep caring for your mom?
Ok. Who would love to watch and care for their suffering mother? Hey! Don't everbody pipe up here at once!! Get in line!!
The way you do....day in day out....the way you try so hard and worry so much.... Who in their right mind would enjoy that? Is it not logical, again, that just about anyone (save a sadist) would hate having to do it? Can you forgive yourself....for being normal Hops? (and not the slightest sadistic to boot? 8))
Last, if anyone can help.....wouldn't that be the docs and nurses who have the knowledge, the meds, the equipment, the experience, the man power, the objectivity, the training, the support (of eachother), the energy, backs that aren't spasming, etc? What do you expect of yourself.....to be all of that and then some? Can you forgive yourself for having some wonderful gifts that have helped you along this far but for not having all it takes to really help right now? And really.....calling 911 did help because she is now much more comfortable and being taken care of eh? She is safe and you made that happen Hops.
And while your at it......will you forgive yourself for having this break and use it to refuel and re-energize as best you can? Won't that make you a better care-giver, in the end, and be the best help to all?
((((((((Hops)))))))))
If none of this works.....think about what you would say to your D if she were in your shoes and you in your mom's? What would you expect of her, if you had your normal faculties and all? Would you lay the guilt on her? I bet not. Betcha not! :)
If one definition of guilt is: a negative, paralysing emotion, based on non-acceptance of oneself or the situation, and it leads to depression and frustration rather than change or improvement.
How is guilt helping you or your mom?
How responsible are you? Do you have power to make this situation positive? Will you let go of the paralysing emotion of guilt, for now? Will you accept that you have done, are doing and will continue to do your best, in this situation? How about thinking the best thoughts you can muster and decide on a plan that works for you?
If none of that works....what about your intentions? You know what they are in this situation.....are they really so awful and are you actually capable of doing so much more? Would you expect more of others?
Better intentions?
Hey! I've had to drill myself this way and it helped. I made sense to myself and felt better! Ha!! I make sense to me!! :D :D Maybe the only one but hey! Who's counting?
Take care of you tonight Hops and try to get a good rest. Your mom will be fine. They will take care of her and you can sleep soundly knowing that. You've done the best anyone could do. Please accept that and forgive yourself for being human and not having a magic wand. Tonight, I'd certainly give you mine, if I had one. But neither of us does eh? So the best we can do is think the best way to solve what can be solved and let go of what we simply cannot fix/change/do better at. You're a good, loving daughter Hops. Who could dream of more than that?
Sela
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(((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))
Let's see... you feel guilty for taking care of your mom???? There is nothing else you can do right now, and, honestly, you might be in the way. It will be better if you let them take care of her and stabilize her and then you can go be with her and sit with her.
You did what you needed to do and the right thing to do. Relax for a bit now until you are needed again. They will let you know when it's a good time to go over.
((((((((((((((((((((((hops))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth
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Dear Hops,
What a rough night you are having. You sound so tired. I am glad you are taking care of yourself. This seems like the right thing to do considering that your mom is in the hospital where she is bieng taken care. of.
Guilt be gone. You have been heroic in your efforts to take care of your mom.
Lots of love to you,
Sea storm
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Izzy, TT, Beth, and Sea...thank you so much.
Boy, that felt like a great group hug!
(I figured it out. Y'all are sitting in the waiting room with her. Me, I got a nap.)
Sela,
Thank you thank you.
Those questions, those RATIONAL questions...really did help.
Incredibly helpful.
I will keep these, Sela, and I will read through again any time I forget that what is reasonable is good enough. Thank you again.
It's like a friend thinking for you when you can't quite think straighth for yourself.
love,
Hops
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Dear Hop, how old is your mother? What kind of relationship did you have with her? Do you think she would have liked that you stay there with her? Would she had stayed with you if it was the opposite? If she has done it so many times, she might know the personnel in the hispital, she might be familiar with the place. Do you think that we feel guilty because our parents did something for us to feel guilty? Probably our parents wanted us to feel guilty. If our parents helped us build healthy self esteem we would not feel guilty. What you are suffering happens to me all the time for almost about everything. So, we could analize it and see how much we are really guilty because of our actions or lack of actions and we should improve our attitutde, and how much it is because the way we were taught, and get a better attitude.
In the other side, what I would do, if the guilt is killing me I would get up and go see her as much as i could. if you really think that she is going to be OK there is no reason to feel bad at all. There is no way you can do the work of the nurses. You can see her twice a day to comfort her. I promise you one thing. I will tell my son that when I die he has to know that he was a good son, that he was a good person tome and he not to feel bad for anything because I am taking to haven a wonderful opression of having him. I really hope that I do not make my son feel guilty. My love goes to you. My prayers go to you. Hope to hear from you this afternoon when I come from work. God bless you. You are a wonderful human being.
Lupita
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Hops, my heart is with you. I am sorry for your experience last night. I am so proud of you for being able to let go and get some sleep. You chose to take care of yourself instead of be a martyr. It was truly a healthy choice in a emotional time - always a sign of healing. My heart aches at the description of you standing in the yard with fingers in your ears and yet you did the most reasonable thing. Very smart to get the nurse neighbor's opinion.
Each and every time the physical sensation of guilt comes over you I am patting your back and reminding you - "That is old stuff Hops. You made an excellent choice at an emotional time." Each time I do that the old guild message subsides and is replaced by the comfort of "Well done you good and faithful servant."
And when the guilt feeling flushes over you again I repeat the process and begin patting your back and reminding you - "That is old stuff Hops. You made an excellent choice at an emotional time." and on again until the comfort of "Well done you good and faithful servant" sticks. And then we wait for the next old message to pop up and we will replace it as well. - your friend who truly cares - Gaining Strength
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I am going through the same thing. My mom had surgery in December, and has been in a major depression ever since. She has unrealistic expectations of what I can do for her. What I learned from this whole situation is: this is a very old pattern in my life, (I am 54, she is 77) it has been going on since I was born, i somehow saw that this time as a mature adult and was able to break the chains that bound me to her. She keeps trying to pull me back, but I am not that person anymore.. I do waht I can, I loveher, and help in the ways I find are resonable. I recognized that I am not her doctor, nurse, therapist, friend, etc... I let those peope do theri jobs. I am her child.. but now that I feel and reexpereinced the damage incurred from her demands I can step back, and let others take over.. It has been a painful and soul wrenching 2 months... it is awful to see your parent suffer... and feel like I am supposed to fix her. that is a old role for me,which I don't fill anymore... It doesn't fit,
good luck it sounds like it has been horrible...
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Hops,
Still thinking of you and your mom. Hope all is going well and you rested.
((((Hops))))) Wish I had that same coffee pot you liked so much in your basement. I'd make you a cup of coffee. Going to get one for myself now.
Love
Deb
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Hi Lupita,
Dear Hop, how old is your mother?
96
What kind of relationship did you have with her?
Peaceful now, but oh so tormented until about 6 years ago when I found out what narcissism meant.
Do you think she would have liked that you stay there with her?
Yes.
Would she had stayed with you if it was the opposite?
Not sure...she has a practical streak and would likely have gone home and spent the evening on the phone to her friends.
If she has done it so many times, she might know the personnel in the hispital, she might be familiar with the place.
Must be, because when the doc woke her this a.m. and asked if she knew where she was, she was confused. Hospital? I'm in my bed!
Do you think that we feel guilty because our parents did something for us to feel guilty?
I think Mom's upbringing was all about guilt, sacrifice, and enormous repression. (What a good pupil I was.)
Probably our parents wanted us to feel guilty. If our parents helped us build healthy self esteem we would not feel guilty.
You're right, but I swear, their own upbringing really did confuse guilt with piety and unreasonable sacrifice with devotion, or maybe not, I dunno, but nobody was attacking toxic guilt until this generation, I think. So I don't so much think they consciously wanted me to feel guilt, as guilt was just the emtional language they (really she, more than dad) knew. I don't think it was a conscious plot to induce guilt.
The good news is after reading all your incredible support and wisdom and sense, I feel a heck of a lot LESS guilty, and I'm climbing out of that fast this time. The moment in the yard was tough, and today, she doesn't even remember her own screaming.
What you are suffering happens to me all the time for almost about everything.
Aw, Lupita. I'm so sorry. But it's heartening that you're NAMING it. That's like the little rivulet beginning to trickle out of the ground that eventually carves a river you ride to freedom.
love,
Hops
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GS,
You went straight to my heart.
I've been saying to myself this morning,
that's old stuff, self, and what's more, GS isn't going to let you forget it!
Bless you for such a caring and loving and perceptive response.
Thank you, GS.
(((((GS)))))))))
Hops
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Hi Deb,
I'm in bed with my favorite tea, my laptop, sun steaming in the windows and I'm having serious thoughts of scheduling a massage!
Thanks...((((Deb))))
Hops
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Hi Leslie,
Warm welcome to you, compassion from a caregiver the next trench over, and thanks for the hopeful sound of someone setting healty boundaries.
I'm glad you're here.
Good for you.
I'm learning
Hops
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Hops,
Oh Tea!! thanks for reminding me I just bought some green tea and forgotten. I love it with honey. Gets me away from the coffee. Glad you resting.
Love Deb
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Hiya Hops:
So good to read about you taking it easy and thinking about inviting a big, strapping, muscular, macho-blondo warm-handed masseuse over.......
............ :shock:............
........................ :)..........well.....maybe you weren't exactly thinking about that.....or were you? 8)
Seriously happy though.....to hear that you are feeling better and glad I was any help whatsoever! Anytime! Anytime Hops! Always glad to help in the least. Yes! Reasonable is good! That's a good one to keep up there next to the guilt shelf....sprinkle some reasonable on....when the shelf starts shaking eh?
but nobody was attacking toxic guilt until this generation, I think. So I don't so much think they consciously wanted me to feel guilt, as guilt was just the emtional language they (really she, more than dad) knew. I don't think it was a conscious plot to induce guilt.
I've been thinking about this too and I agree. I think some previous generations (many of them?) were also "taught" this guilt thing and ya......it's like an emotional language they just knew (probably without a whole lot of analyzing too eh?) and so it was passed on to us without much consideration at all.
....NAMING it. That's like the little rivulet beginning to trickle out of the ground that eventually carves a river you ride to freedom....
I love the way you worded that! It's so poetic! Yep. A river ride. In my case, bouncing off a few rocks and running some dandy rapids but hey! Haven't lost my paddle yet!! You either eh Hops!!
Glad you're taking care of you! Keep doing that!
:D Sela
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Thank you Hops. Thank you so much fo rtaking the time to answer me. Thank you for honoring my questions. It is a very important learning experience to read about your thoughts. Thank you again.
Lupita
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Hops: You can only do what you can only do!!! Very sound words that a friend of mine said to me, or something like that!! :P
Simmer down (like you say to me) breathe................go see your mom but don't do the vigil thing. She needs her rest anyway. I remember being in the hospital for two weeks and didn't get one nap. Every time I went to nod off, I got a visitor. The best two days of my life is when my youngest was born and we got snowed in. NO VISITORS. Just make sure you visit. Bring a nice plant and a card.....kiss her on the forehead. It's all good!
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((((((((((((((((Hi Hops,)))))))))))))))))))
Hugs from one who understands where you are.
tt
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update:
Mom's settled in for at least one more night, getting antibiotics (has a fever, they're not sure of the infection source), has had scans--it's not bowel or lung, and was cheery when I went by. She has no recollection of last night and just accepted my explanation that she "has a bug" and they're going to help her feel better...
If she's in there 3 nights total she'd qualify for some inpatient PT at the place where she was before. It may be necessary as she's weak in the first place and loses muscle tone SO fast when she's bed-bound...if she can't walk, she can't be here.
Yes, I'd like the rest. But I have fears if she goes to the nursing home she won't be back.
All's well for now, and one day at a time.
Thanks everyone for your support, you are priceless.
love
Hops
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Thanks for the update Hops. I have been thinking about you both. - GS
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Dear, very dear Hop,
Today is a new day. How is your mother today? We are thinking of you. Is she still in the hospital? Is she doing OK? We pray for you.
Love,
Lupita
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My Abnormal Psych teacher does not have a favorable opinion of hospitals in general, and, he makes a point that might be something for you to keep an eye on in protection of your mother while she is there.
He said that a good many of the patients in the hospital are clinically depressed in some form or another. How do doctors handle the depression? Usually they ignore it. When someone is not treated for depression, it can go into all sorts of bad behaviors...then, the doctors label those patients "problem" or "difficult" patients. EVentually the nurses/docs get sick of the patients and things just sort of "happen" to them. Some of them become statistics. PLease, if you need to, have the medical staff check your mother for psychological issues and treat her for them if needed too.
Just a thought
~Laura
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Thanks, GS, Lupita, Laura.
She's still in there, cheerful, comfortable.
The staff is great. This hospital really is a fine place.
I actually think she's stimulated by the comings and goings and less depressed than when she's at home, Laura. I did get her doctor to put her on an antidepressant last summer and I'm sure it's helped.
I don't know if she'll be discharged tomorrow or the next day but the infection is clearing up, she looks much better. She wants to come home. My only concern is whether she's strong enough to maneuver around the house. They're doing a PT evaluation, so we'll see. If she's too weak she may have to go back to the rehab center for a week or so. I don't like that, because I think she'd go downhill. But she's been in bed for about 5 days and at her age with her poor balance, that's not good.
Thanks for checking in,
Hops
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((((((((((((((((Hops and Wobbly Mom))))))))))))))))))
tt
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Good morning Hop. I have not seen you posting. Miss you very much. Hope to see you soon. Your comforting words are always needed. You always say nice things, nover judgemental, never critical, always helpful. Need you.
Today is Wednesday. How is your mother? How is your daughter?
God bless you.
Lupita
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Hi Lupita,
I've been working and catching up on sleep. When my mother's in the hospital I sleep very deeply. It's as though when she's home I have a high-alert that never quite switches off, always aware of her movements, etc. So some deep sleeping has been a relief.
Work is busy busy but very satisfying and I'm really happy in the job...love it. I am so grateful for that change. It's huge.
My D is a bit prickly again, anxious about deadlines in her life, and hypersensitive to anything I might say, so I tread carefully. She did call to ask about her grandmother when I emailed, so that was good.
My mother is fine as of yesterday evening, and I'll check on her again tonight. I think she'll be discharged soon. Maybe tomorrow.
thanks for asking, Lupita,
Hops
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Good evening Hop, did you go to the hospital? How is she doing? How is her mood? Is she content with the service she is receiving?
I am glad that you are sleeping better. Taking care of an elder is exhausting.
Sorry to hear that your baby girl is stressed out. Guess that is life. I do not know any single person that is not stressed out. My son is too. And he is only 21. Two jobs and full time college student.
I just told Lea, we have so much in common.
God bless you. Hope to hear from you tomorrow.
Love,
Lupita
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Well, Mom's all tucked in at a local rehab center for 7-10 days of PT. I think overall she'll enjoy it because she inevitably knows people and hasn't socialized much all winter. They'll work on her walking and balance and some general muscle tone, and expect her to come home after that.
So I have a week to myself. It feels...amazing. Spacioius. Peaceful. Exciting. Great.
Tomorrow at work we do a photo shoot I've been working on for weeks, very exciting.
thanks for asking Lupita and pals.
love,
Hops
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What great news on the home front and at work. So glad to hear your mother is getting good care and you are able to sleep deeply. Sounds as though all is well for now. Sleep well my friend. - Gaining Strength
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Hi Hop, how are you today? Tell me about your day and I will tell you about mine. Could be fun to tell each other. Lol, you show me yours and I show you mine, lol, he he. Well I had a difficult day but did not feel as bad as I usually feel. Guess I am imrpoving.
What are your news for today?
Love
Lupita
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Wonderful News
Hops,
You have an exciting work project
Your mom is being cared for and will have some new people to chat with
Allowing you some much deserved rest and ME time!!
Take care,
Leah xx
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Thanks much, ((((((((((Leah, GS, Lupita))))))))))
The photo shoot was wonderful, in a beautiful eco-designed home with an amazing view.
I won't go into product details, but I will say that I love it that our model has never done modeling before, is simply a lovely person with a beautiful smile. She's neither blonde nor anorexic, and she's 44!
Makes me happy. The whole thing went beautifully and the photog even took a few shots of me standing by a window that I can use for my profile if I want to try online dating again! (Was fun b/c I've had no pix taken for two years, since I began to grow out my halogen-white hair.)
I coudln't see in the viewfinder but he said one was a great shot. He's taken portraits of actors, so maybe it'll help me find my geezer! :lol:
Hops
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Hops,
It's so good to hear you so excited and happy. I'm also Glad to hear you mom is doing good. Enjoy the time off from being care giver. You definitely need this break. and YEAH for the OLD CHICKS or OLDER CHICKS. That is why I loved that movie the Calendar Girls.
Love
Deb
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Me too, 56 on the outside, half that on the inside.
Poor Mom is already complaining that she wants to go home.
Stopping by there every evening and having to repeat that conversation will be something kind of draining. But...I can shake it off (I hope).
I would really like to stay unhooked, whether she's there for 2 days or a week.
Every piece of time alone at home is precious to me.
Hops
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Wow,
The photo shoot sounds wonderful and fulfilling. And you sound like a hot tamale :)
I am glad your mom will be in the center for a bit. I bet she will appreciate having others around her, as you said, to chill and hang with :)
I guess you can walk around the house in your birthday suit this weekend!! And dance to loud music!!! And hoot and holler. Or do all three...
XO Beth