Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on March 09, 2007, 10:41:33 PM

Title: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 09, 2007, 10:41:33 PM: I saw Oprah one day this week. She had on women who lost significant amounts of weight after gastric bypass surgery and then became alcoholics. One of them said that she realized and cried out to her husband, "I don't know who I am - not being fat." As I work to undo the sense of rejection and sense of being inadequate that I carry around with me and wear into every room, every store, every interaction, I try to get a sense of who I am as the person I want to be. I don't know who I am if I am not rejected or inadequate.

That is what Wayne Dyer is talking about in Manifesting your Destiny. It is about seeing yourself as you intend to be. But I haven't yet seen who that is.

I know who I am as I see myself as someone left out. But I know now that I saw myself as left out long before I WAS left out. Now it is time to see myself as included even before I am. That is surprisingly scary.
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Hopalong on March 09, 2007, 10:49:46 PM: Oh GS.
This sounds absolutely enormous.
What a blessed realization.

You know, your effort practically brings sweat to the screen.

I am humbled to see it.

This is a level of honesty and depth that it's easier to skip.

And you're not skipping it.

You have SO much flowering ahead. It's like your roots are moving in the frozen ground, and maybe they look fragile to you, but don't bother judging...there's an oak tree coming.

:D

Hops
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 09, 2007, 10:52:39 PM: I love your poetry Hops. Such sweet images you produce. Thanks
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: isittoolate on March 10, 2007, 12:45:22 AM: OMG GS,

You wrote EXACTLY what I am thinking, and told the therapist, when she asked.

She asked if I was afraid of who I might become--the real ME and I said it once before, here, in a post---I might really be some snot-nosed little brat who I would hate (something like that)

THIS me has been the me for almost 68 years.

WHO else can I be? WHO is the real me in place of this 'false self'?

What if I am too afraid to change? What if-----

(I just finished watching a crime movie and one of the guys said when he had plastic surgery to change his face, the surgeon gave him 'tits'. )

What if we end up with something we don't want. It will all be foreign. Can I still build web sites? Can I still balance my cheque book? What if I can walk again?

All of this is very unreal to me.

I hear ya loud and clear....................... except I always thought of me as 'falliing through the cracks of life" to your as someone left out.

Love
Izzy
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 10, 2007, 01:37:56 AM: Those cracks are so incredibly wide. Noone held a net for me so I'm trying to knit one as I fall so I can catch myself. How will I crawl back up? On my own homemade ladder?
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: isittoolate on March 10, 2007, 02:00:04 AM: Yes, we've been living without a net. You knit the nets and I'll crochet the ladder.

I'll bet the change will be painful!

I wonder if I can do it? or if I will automatically resist!
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Lupita on March 10, 2007, 08:36:40 AM: Hi GS, how are you? Yous post is very inspiring!!! Hops, your writing is so beautiful!!!
I don't know who I am. But I am trying to find out. GS, how are your goals going?
Love,
Lupita.

By any chance, do you see my e mail? Hope not. But tell me if you do, please. Thank you.
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Overcomer on March 10, 2007, 10:02:53 AM: GS et al......that is the question. That is why I so diligently look for other jobs. I just know there is a job out there that will allow me to shine. At my business, I live in my nmom's shadow. She takes all the credit for everything but doesn't know how to do anything. She asked both my aunt and I for information on hiring, etc. which is going to be in an article in one of our trade magazines. Oh, she loves to see her name in print. I wrote on a piece of paper and put it in her box.........since Aunt gave you the answers to these questions, you need to give her credit for them in the article!!! That infuriates me.....

My family is a bunch of imposters. No one is as they seem. They present themselves as competent, almost perfect but they are not. I am the only one who says "HEY I AM LESS THAN PERFECT - YOU KNOW IT, I KNOW IT AND THAT IS THAT..................I AM NOT GOING TO BE A PHONEY LIKE YOU!!!!!!"

So my goal is to think positively. Work towards becoming who I need to be to feel good about myself. Not do so in a knee jerk reaction. And move forward to a new, competent, SKINNY, me. That is my new visualization............tall, thin Kelly!!
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Hopalong on March 10, 2007, 11:01:21 AM: Lupita, your email is not visibile when you sign in.
The little email icons are visible ONLY to the person who is posting, unless they have posted "As Guest".

Hope you go out and do something today.

Hops
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 10, 2007, 06:16:29 PM: GS, how are your goals going?

Not so good Lupita. I am getting more and more done but I am not setting daily goals and accomplishing them and I thank you for asking but I know that the discipline is going to be helpful. I'm going to get back to it thanks to you. - your friend GS
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: debkor on March 10, 2007, 06:59:03 PM: Positive Tall thin Kelly with red shoes and a new red bag!!

Deb
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Overcomer on March 10, 2007, 08:59:37 PM: Hysterical!! Although the only bag I loved was $275 and when I went back to look at it someone else bought it!! So no red bag for me - at least for now!! May antennae is up - waiting for a beautiful red bag to pop up!! So today it was over 50 degrees so I walked one dog a long way and then came home and walked my hung over husband's dog a long way, too!! So that is twice as long as I ever do.....moving towards skinny!! Tall, I've got handled! And I am positive my feet hurt!!!
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: isittoolate on March 10, 2007, 09:21:29 PM: When I was young, I was crazy over matching shoes and handbags--------and I loved red. I even has paisley, and orange, as well as standard black and brown. I am 5'10" as well and in my spikes was 6'1" (Someone, a maintenancce man at work...we were friendly) told me once I looked like an ironing board with 2 peas glued on it")

Someone said to me one, "You used to be tall, didn't you!"

(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/haha.gif)

What a wonderful world........to think back to all the funny incidents I had before I knew I defective!!!!!!!! LOL

xx
Izzy
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Overcomer on March 10, 2007, 11:20:44 PM: Izzy, do you know who Joni Erickson Tada is? She is in a wheelchair from a diving accident at age 16..................she must be in her mid 50s by now. Anyway, you can tell by looking at her that she would be very tall. I am over 6 foot when I put on heels which isn't very often because they just hurt too dang much. I cannot believe that super short women wear them all the time.....they just are do uncomfortable.....
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: debkor on March 11, 2007, 12:20:51 AM: Remember Candies, I had every color there was. I think they might be back in style now.
I would wear them with My ooh la la Sasoon's. And I had some big ass hair. Perm o Rama. You would pull one side back with a comb. Eyelashes that looked like spider legs. I just loved the movie FlashDance!! I thought I was so Hot. Now I look at pictures and get like OMG! Lets not forget leg warmers. They were back last year but this time you wore them with flip flops in the winter with a skirt. I use to look at my daughter like she lost her mind.
I think I met my husband around Miami Vice Days and he would wear the white suit. Trust me he was no Don Johnson

Those were the days.

Love
Deb
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: isittoolate on March 11, 2007, 12:30:56 AM: Yes OC

I read 'Joni', but I never met her. That was back in the '70s, I think, so forget many of the details.

Only if one is already a celebrity will we be able to keep track, as with Christopher Reeves. He vowed he's walk by age 50. (I said to myself, "He won't", but that is his hope and no one ought to take it away.)

When I was in rehab, there were about 50 males and 12 females. (Things have changed now to a bigger place.) We were almost like family. I really felt for the quadriplegics.

One girl, Carole--well I was at work one day and someone told the story of the woman who crashed her car (Winter) and ended up in the hospital with a broken neck. Her husband had hurt himself at work and went to Emergency to be looked at a recognized Carole's long black hair and coat.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so I meet her 6 months later in rehab.

Eventually this husband was bringing the 2 sons to see her, accompanied by a girl-friend. I would have liked to have taken a round out of him!!!!!!!!!!!

Not all stories have a happy ending, like Joni and like the gal " The Other Side of the Mountain"

off topic here. I loved being tall and back in the 50s and 60s we tall gals NEVER wore flats---- they looked as though we were trying to look shorter.

I really didn't like change but saw it coming all the while.--sure hate shopping now, for clothing. As far as shoes go, I can wear only flats and slip-ons, as I cannot wiggle my ankles to get into any of those others, and if I did I would end up with sores from friction.

All the broken bones in my feet don't help either.

ah well. I get by ($3.00 for navy blue canvas slip-ons, and my flat heeled snow boots are about 25 years old!!!)

xxoo
Izzy
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Overcomer on March 11, 2007, 09:50:59 AM: Izzy: Maybe I missed it but how did you end up in your chair?
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Overcomer on March 11, 2007, 09:55:28 AM: Also Joni is pretty well known in the Christian community as an author, speaker and artist. She draws with her teeth.
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: isittoolate on March 11, 2007, 02:40:29 PM: hi OC,
A car accident when I was 30. The drip, who was my date, was speeding and lost control of the car... 90 mph skidded 975', rolling 3 times and my back was broken. He had the steering wheel to hang onto so was okay. I was 1 year is hospitals.

Izzy
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: axa on March 11, 2007, 03:19:36 PM: GS,

Interesting post. I lost so much weight when XN was doing his gaslighting games with me but I am putting the pounds back on. I do not want this to happen as I think they are some form of sheild. It is bringing up big issues for me around hiding from the world. I see my weight gain as another form of self abuse and my co dependant behaviour. Now that I am back to my routine I am committed to working on taking care of myself and letting the functional healthy me kick in and take care of the struggling part which hides behind the pounds. Thank you for posting this, good for me to name what is going on.

axa
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 11, 2007, 07:05:54 PM: Good for you Axa. I am getting a little clarity on my recent weight gain. It has to do with a little resistance to eating right and controllling candidiasis and, I suspect, hypoglycemia. I really need to cut out refined carb and focus on protein but I have not had the determination until now.

I am realizing that I have framed EVERYTHING in my life in moral terms. If something breaks, or wears out or something goes wrong, I take it as a moral judgement against me. I do this unconsciously and then begin to shut down. That applies to eating healthily and exercise. When I slip up I process it unconsciously as a moral lapse and hear an inner voice saying, "Told you so." As I become more aware of that nagging voice I will be able to challenge it. I'm looking forward to that.
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: gratitude28 on March 11, 2007, 08:28:05 PM: GS,
I understand this example so well on a personal level... after I gave up drinking, I started gambling a lot (we have slot machines here). I also ate at weird times (not out of hunger, but to quell a feeling). There were many other places my instability manifested itself in my life. It meant that while drinking was a problem for me, there were many underlying problems as well. Fortunately (and quite out of the blue) I found out about Narcissism and things started to click into place. And, while I still have bunches to improve in my life, all in all I am feeling a big sigh of relief and a settling of my behavior.To reiterate what we've said before here... sometimes all it takes is time.I truly think that you will realize on day that you are no longer wondering these things... that you have moved along. That is what happened to me. I remember thinking, "Am I happy? What does it take?" And now, that thought doesn't enter my mind. I am IN life now, and not trying to find the entrance.
Lots of love GS and the hope that the day will be soon when it all clicks for you!!!
Love, Beth
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: gratitude28 on March 11, 2007, 08:39:32 PM: Just went back and read through all the post... what a wonderful group of people ((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))).

Deb, remeber danskin skits and you wore 'em with the leotartd tops???

Iz, I admore you so much for picking up and continuing to be the great person you are, with your awesome humor, even after having such tremendous change forced upon you. This may be a dumb question... and I can't remeber the age of your daughter, but did you have her before or after the accident?

GS, I still believe that everything is somehow attached to me too (blame-wise). Sometimes I have to really force myself to look at a situation and see what I can control and what I can't.

Kelly, I am so happy to hear from you always. It is so nice to see your progress in so many areas. How is your husband? How are you dealing with that relationship?

Axa, How are you doing with not smoking? That might contribute to some weight gain. Once things smooth out maybe you can do some walking and thinking and kill two birds with one stone - work your mind and your bod at the same time. Gee... maybe I ought to take my own advice :)

Love to all of you!!!
Beth
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 12, 2007, 02:56:17 PM: TT - your post has given me extraordinary insight. Would you mind expanding this part just a little. I can't quite grasp what you are saying here:
In my experience dealing with the functional me vs. the "pseudo-self, was often defined by the last, however small thing I had done that was honest and true to the real ME I was growing. Kind of like building a house with pebbles instead of bricks. All I can say is keep at it. Try to be conscious of who your real self is no matter how timid or small she is.

In short, I am hearing that if I feed that authentic self and starve the inauthentic that the former will grow. But would you mind sort of repeating what you said above with just a little more explanation. Thanks - GS
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Hopalong on March 12, 2007, 10:59:01 PM: TT,
This was one of the most staggeringly powerful and inspiring posts I've ever read.

Hops
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: teartracks on March 12, 2007, 11:27:03 PM: Hops,

There you go being gracious and sweet again. I love every word you said! :) Thank you...

teartracks
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 13, 2007, 01:10:25 AM: Teartracks - really - I echo Hops 100%. Powerful, profound and so descriptive.

I'm not sure where I am. I am going to think about this and process what you've said and figure out what I want to post. Thank you. More than I can say. GS
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: seastorm on March 13, 2007, 03:24:01 AM: Dear Teartracks,

What you are writing about is so meaningful to me. It describes where I am these days ie. being born out of the ashes and resurrecting parts of myself that were lost. I can't quite differentiate the real self from the coper/pleaser but when I do it feels liberating.

Your words are very powerful and beautiful. Anything else you can say about this psuedo self and the lost self and how you bring forward one and extinguish or maybe lovingly lay it to rest, would be great.

love,
Sea storm
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 13, 2007, 09:49:48 AM: TT - did you activate the crash and burn or did it happen to you? In the past two weeks I have been "pushing through" things because they are the healing thing to do rather than being paralyzed by the pain and condemnation. That has helped. I like the phrases you have used and will try them as well.

My deep wounds have increasingly left me unable to act. In the past year I have finally been able to address this. I have a very long way to go but I am moving in that direction. I am slowly claiming functional self.
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Leah on March 13, 2007, 10:38:45 AM: Dear Teartracks,

It was a pure delight and joy to read your most powerful and impacting expression, filled with encouragement and hope for others, of your recovery and healing journey to this present moment in time.

Very best wishes.

Leah xx
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: teartracks on March 13, 2007, 01:25:16 PM: Dear GS, Seastorm, Leah's
Rainbow,

Today is a long day at the dentist. I ask for long appointments so it can all be done at one time. Then I have church tonight. But, I will be back. Thanks for the kind responses. More later.

teartracks
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: isittoolate on March 13, 2007, 02:10:38 PM: Hi TT

This:
" is it possible that you are at that place I described when I said that during the first year, I probably was neither a functional self or a coping self? I can't put that place into words. I guess the best description I can give it is 'survival mode'"

is where I think I have been all my live. I don't remember a 'coping mode' or functional mode

I remember at 5, though, in Grade 1, that I used all kinds of 'gimmicks' to remember what the teacher was teaching me. (I have a pattern for numbers that I've used to this day, that no one has seen before. Two therapists were intrigued with it, but now I see it is my survival pattern)

I am still in survival mode.

love
Izzy
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: isittoolate on March 13, 2007, 06:30:33 PM: Dear tt

Is the board helping you get deeper understanding?

I have definitely learned that I am more dysfunctional than I thought, and wonder how many relationships I have ruined because of the way I am.

Then that has led to my self-imposed solitary existence, to try to work on me.

At times I feel a bit sad, then angry, then shut down again to feel nothing.

Iz
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 13, 2007, 09:30:19 PM: I have definitely learned that I am more dysfunctional than I thought, and wonder how many relationships I have ruined because of the way I am. Then that has led to my self-imposed solitary existence, to try to work on me. At times I feel a bit sad, then angry, then shut down again to feel nothing.

Izzy - I have learned the same thimg about myself. It definitely hurts but it also gives me hope because i was already pushing people away and not understanding AT ALL why. Now I understand and I can FINALLY change those behaviors. I am just emerging from a self-imposed solitary existence. It is a little difficult because I don't have any friends and after such isolation don't really know how to meet and develop relationships but I chose to trust that it will happen.

When I start to feel regret I simply shut it off. I find nothing positive in going down that way. I try to switch into hope for the future. It is a little dicey but I am determined to get to something wonderful. I believe it for you as well. - GS
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: isittoolate on March 14, 2007, 03:25:12 AM: Good Post, tt

I surely hope I can accomplish this.

Did you ever doubt you couldn't? (my problem)

Off to bed and will be thinking on this.
xx
Iz
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: reallyME on March 14, 2007, 08:56:55 AM: GS,

I can relate to your struggle of seeing yourself as someone who is ACCEPTED and maybe even WANTED.

A couple people in my life have a habit, when they do something that they realize is maybe not very wise, of saying "oh just smack me."

My first reaction, being that I am the sort of person that I am (a bit intolerant of childishness in adults), is to roll my eyes and think "oh brother!" However, after thinking a moment, I realize the statement is one that comes from a point of having been SHAMED most of their lives. They feel that when they goof up, they actually DESERVE to be punished. Then, my compassion kicks in and I say, "No, you made a mistake. YOu do not deserve to be smacked or punished."

Their replies are usually something of "saving face" by saying "oh I was just kidding," or "That's just something I say."

I am one who takes people's words VERY SERIOUSLY. So, I tend to advise anyone who hangs around with me closely, that I will be listening for signs of shame, etc, and I will comment if I hear them too.

~Laura
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: CB123 on March 14, 2007, 09:45:40 AM: whoami
Newbie

Posts: 21

Re: Who is the functional Me?
« Reply #42 on: Today at 08:53:40 AM »

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GS,

I can relate to your struggle of seeing yourself as someone who is ACCEPTED and maybe even WANTED.

A couple people in my life have a habit, when they do something that they realize is maybe not very wise, of saying "oh just smack me."

My first reaction, being that I am the sort of person that I am (a bit intolerant of childishness in adults), is to roll my eyes and think "oh brother!" However, after thinking a moment, I realize the statement is one that comes from a point of having been SHAMED most of their lives. They feel that when they goof up, they actually DESERVE to be punished. Then, my compassion kicks in and I say, "No, you made a mistake. YOu do not deserve to be smacked or punished."

Their replies are usually something of "saving face" by saying "oh I was just kidding," or "That's just something I say."

I am one who takes people's words VERY SERIOUSLY. So, I tend to advise anyone who hangs around with me closely, that I will be listening for signs of shame, etc, and I will comment if I hear them too.

~Laura

Laura,

Are you Whoami and ReallyMe?

This is confusing because WhoAmI and ReallyMe have had conversations with each other on the board.

CB
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: reallyME on March 14, 2007, 10:08:32 AM: sorry about this misunderstanding. What happened was, I'm visiting whoami. I accidentally posted and didn't realize it was in her name on her puter. I wrote to Dr Grossman to ask him to delete the "whoamI" one that I posted, but apparently he didn't do it yet, nor get my message.

Again, please don't freak out everyone. I (reallyME) posted that message but accidentally was in "whoami's" name on her puter, cause I'm visiting and helping her paint her house :). Sorry for the confusion.

Imagine how I felt when I realized that OOPS! THAT JUST WENT ON IN HER NAME! lol I told her about it and did what I could to remedy the situation.

~Laura
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Leah on March 14, 2007, 10:10:02 AM: Quote

"I'm Leavin on a jet plane..."

Hi All.

Just letting you know that I"m going to be visiting my spiritual Mom from March 9-19, so if you don't see me right away, posting, replying, that's what's goin on. We are going to have a wonderful time of praying, shopping, painting her house, and just being together. I am really looking forward to this.

Talk soon.

~Laura

Hi Laura,

What happened? No holiday :(

Saw you post on board yesterday.

Or are you taking a break from all that painting :)

Leah

EDIT: We posted at the same time.
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: isittoolate on March 14, 2007, 07:06:31 PM: TT

what is the crash and burn stage?

I've read that phrase a few times and wondered. Now I'm asking.

Thanks
Iz
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: reallyME on March 15, 2007, 12:17:47 AM: tt, I can relate to that stage as well.

I remember when X used to crack all sorts of jokes about me and I'd laugh along, not realizing it was out of cruel motives. My crash and burn stage came when I went on meds. Suddenly I noticed when I was the target of the jokes and I'd say something like "hey, that wasn't very nice."

X would say "Oh I didn't mean it that way...sorry you thought I did...you should know I'd NEVER do anything to hurt you...since you took it that way, there's nothing else I have to say about it." (all in one sentence!)
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 15, 2007, 12:42:26 PM: TT - This has been such a dramatically powerful post for me. I am actually finding some of those significant pieces of myself and learning to "move through" difficult stuff to a kind of freedom. The coping me suppressed the shame that had been heaped on me as a child, the annihilation of growing up with N father and mother with N traits. The ME did not exist and after my husband's death I did crash due to some medication that put me over the edge. I realize now that I have been slowly putting those pebbles together over the past 10 months. Just this week I have been able to move through things that I have been paralyzed from until very recently. Now I have hope - true hope. I am loving the image of picking up pebbles. When I could see no other strengths, I did see in myself the strength of persistence, so the idea of rebuilding one pebble at a time does not frighten me at all.

I am rebuilding and your image and your sharing here has been a great boost. I hope you will keep writing about this. It is a true gift that is helping me stay encouraged and motivated to collect these pebbles and see value in them - rather than cast them aside.

Thank you - GS
Title: Re: Who is the functional Me?
Post by: reallyME on March 16, 2007, 12:49:08 AM: Hey Leah's

I took a bit of a break from the painting, yes. Tomorrow I'm helping Mom paint another wall or 2 I think. We were going to go to a prayer thingy, but it didn't end up working out. I'm heading back home on Monday, ya'll, so will post more then I'm sure.

~Laura