Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: oc on March 28, 2007, 02:27:13 PM
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My mom and I had a blow up. i ran out of work balling. I told her I cannot do this any more!
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Oc,
That's ok oc. Crying is good. Your frustrated, angry, and mentally exhausted. Cry your eyes out.
((((oc))))))
Love Deb
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(((((((((((((((Kell))))))))))))))))))
Maybe you're telling yourself the truth.
You can't do this anymore.
You can figure out what this is.
And you can find a way out of your reactions or of the job.
It will happen, I have faith.
hugs to you, I'm sorry.
Hops
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Bottom line? I told mom that whenever she is 80 or 90 And wants to retire I will step back in but if she and aunt think they can run it go ahead! Bookkeeper is leaving too. She told me my mom is insane. Makes a decision and then asks who made that stupid decision six months later. Crying and napping. Depressed even with anti depressantp.
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I have been laying around all day. I am angry. My mom said "you are depressed but do not need counseling?" VERY SARCASTIC! I told her I had done all my research and I was not the one who needed counseling. The bookkeeper and I both feel so defeated and un appreciated. I figured it out-anyone I am for she is against and anyone I am against she is for.
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Speaking of crazy...
I almost wish I were in your shoes! I wish someone would tell me my mother is crazy. I wish I could get mad at her and tell her I am finished with her.
I am not making light of your situation... It must be so nice to have someone agree with you.
Take care of yourself.
Love, Beth
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It is gratifying to know that you are not the crazy one. And to watch my mother push bookkeeper out knowing how key she is to the success of the operation. To my mom it is more importent to be "in charge" than to make good business decisions. But I know my mom sees my falling apart my problem. She will never admit any wrong doing. I am fortunate to be able to still get paid while I am trying to figure out my future.
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In an earlier post I talked about having raging dreams. That is what is happening to me. I wake up from some unrelated dream where someone steals my parking space or gives me poor customer service or whatever and I am livid when I wake up. I realize that every part of my existence is seething with anger. Yes, I am sad but I am more mad than anything. The word "hate" keeps popping in my mind and my nmom doesn't realize that I have snapped again. I just went to Monster.com and applied for another job. Similar to the one I didn't get after waiting for four months!! Same type of product!!! So my anger is going to be channeled into running as fast and as far away from my nmom as possible. And she doesn't get it. I am done. I don't even want a personal relationship with her. Yes, I'll be nice at Easter but she is NO friend of mine. I will not get into a car with her or go on another vacation with her......no sleeping in the same hotel room as her......nothing!! It is OVER!!!!
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OC - you have reached your limit. I am sorry that you or any of us have experienced what we have with FOO or spouse or store clerk. But I am glad you have reached your limit. Your dream, your anger, your resolve come from that deep wound, that deep unresolved wound. We all need a true mother. I personally don't believe that that desire or need goes away even when we are healed and I personally believe that it is even greater for those of us who did not have a nurturing, caring, supportive, competent mother. I long for one - to this very day.
I am supporting you 100% to use your anger to get a new job. I am encouraging you to talk to yourself and redirect that anger that is suppressed and causing your depression. It is directed at yourself because on some level probably from the time when you were even pre-verbal your mother gave you the same message she did the other day - "Something is wrong with YOU." Well she was wrong and she was projecting onto you and as a innocent child you took it on - probably as a way to be compliant and thereby winning her over - a survival technique. You did survive and now it is time to throw off that survival mechanism and consciously acknowledge to yourself that the depressive feeling comes in part from her blaming you for your imperfections. Mentally redirect those feelings. As you feel down, acknowledge your depression and say out loud or to yourself, "These feelings belong to my mother not myself and I reject them." You may find this helpful if you repeat it over and over.
I wish you freedom from your depression and your pain. I am glad you reached your limit. You have suffered so long.
I support whatever decisions you make in order to protect yourself and free yourself. I recently read and believed that any decision is better than no decision. Be willing to make a mistake. you will get to the right place because you have a strong determination.
your friend - GS
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Thank you GS The support of this board is the only place I feel supported and loved. I have snapped. Our relationship is nothing less than superficial. It is done. Over. Final. Drop kick. Phoney.
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(((((((( OC ))))))))
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You're okay, Kell.
You are not evil for feeling flashes of hatred for your mother.
It's not permanent...it's not who you are, I don't think.
It's the intolerable irritation and frustration, like sleeping on rough sand, of never getting away.
You are yourself, an adult woman, strong and smart and a survivor (consider your hubby).
So you are going to succeed at one of these interviews, and you WILL have a free life.
Don't forget that is real and true and will happen (even while you have a big dip in energy and feelings).
And once the anger dissipates, you'll be at peace, or much more often so.
You deserve it.
love
Hops
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Thanks all. I picked up the Wizard of Oz and other N Again. It validated my feelings when I went to the chapter on adult children of N and I read about me and the extreme feelings I have. Part of me wants to copy that chapter and give it to my mom but she would not get past the n label so she would not see herself at all but I know it is true. I will be fine !
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Early morning and this feeling pervades my waking up and going asleep. I cannot shake it and when the bookkeeper leaves I will never go back!
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Yeah, Kelly! Your determination will carry you forward!
I am knee deep in my own determination :D. When I can come up for air, I'll let you know how it turns out!
CB
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((((((((OC))))))))))
Have you got any holiday booked? Or can you book any holiday soon? As maybe a break from work, and if you can totally get away may really help to give you the time and space to think things through, as well as the option to have a really good search for alternative work.
Remember, throughout it all, it isn't you.... One thing that I did realise was that a lot of what I was feeling, anger, frustration etc, was my reaction to what he was doing, rather than an irrational response.
Take care of you ok?
Love H&H xx
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Laying in bed. Praying. Being still. A movie tonight. My daughters 16 Birthday tomorrow at moms house. first time I will have seen her since Wednesday when I walked out. It will be ok-superficial nicey Nice. I am being lazy really. waiting for the phone to ring with a new job opp.
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Laying in bed. Praying. Being still. A movie tonight. My daughters 16 Birthday tomorrow at moms house. first time I will have seen her since Wednesday when I walked out. It will be ok-superficial nicey Nice. I am being lazy really. waiting for the phone to ring with a new job opp.
Fingers crossed that the phone will ring very soon with that new job opportunity!!! Take care xxxx
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Hiya Oc/Kell:
Well. Isn't it something when one reaches the end of their rope? It's like suddenly a light goes on and sirens start up and little brain cells engines kick in that get a whole army of anger cells marching, fully armoured, in to battle the one who pushed too far. And bombs drop and explosions happen and for once, the voice just lets go and is allowed to be free to express what is being pent up. Quite a release eh?
I'm glad you're seriously looking for another job. I think that is a good thing to do because your mother is just not reasonable. Dealing with unreasonable people all the time can drive a person bonkers eh? So I wish you the best of luck in finding a good job, with decent pay, that you enjoy doing, with a boss who is reasonable!
As for tomorrow........I say good for you for going, in the first place! For not upsetting your daughter's birthday! Imagine a clear plastic shield around yourself that will not let your mother's unreasonable behaviour through. One that you can see through but that just won't let her senselessness in. You can be polite and pleasant and act as if nothing new has happened and just.....ignor whatever your mother does to cause disruption! Act deaf. Change the subject. State that you now have to go purge in the rest room. Whatever! You can even decide to enjoy yourself, if you want to! Hey! Why not? It's a celebration!!
Sela
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Well, no worries about the party tomorrow. My husband has always been amazed how we can compartmentalized our issues. We will all walk around as if nothing happened on Wednesday. I am glad we can do that. My brother couldn't and he hated my ex so much that we were all not together for five years. When I finally got rid of him, my bro came around.
The party will be fun. I told my mom what I really wanted to be was a good mom. That is the most important thing to me. My daughter called today and she made the Varsity Football cheerleading squad and I am geniunely happy for her!!! Love my kids. Hey, how can I love when my nmom cannot? Well, my whole life I have done the complete opposite of what my nmom does. The way I have raised my kids. The way I act in public. The way I approach Christianity. It is amazing. My nmom pushed "religion" down my throat and somehow I have been able to look past the crooked way she approached it and am now a new kind of Christian - far less pious - judgmental, etc.
I am so angry with nmom.....but I have come to the point that I realize it is NOT me.......and so she can think I am a basket case all she wants..............that doesn't make it so. The only reason I am a basket case is that I have been locked up with a crazy woman for years!!!
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So my mom calls the bookkeeper into her office today and basically says she cannot run the business without me. Bookkeeper says obviously it doesnt work for you two to work together so why dont you let her try to run it? It will never happen because she has to be in charge. I will keep you all posted.
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So much in charge that she emailed me to remind me to do something I already took care of. Something that really was not any of her concern but her motto is "following through on your follow through!"
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Well, the party went well - REALLY WELL! Of course, my nmom was avoidant at first. But I try to compartmentalize my life. The party had nothing to do with work so I have no problem with nmom in that arena. I know that on Friday she told the bookkeeper that she couldn't run it without me. I thought about not going in again tomorrow. Because I guess it would REALLY make a statement if I just didn't go in. I kind of want my mom to call and ask me when I am coming in so I can say............."I'm looking for another job and I cannot bear the thought of coming in....." "I am afraid if I come in, you will ask me to do a bunch of stuff again and I told you I will not do anything you ask of me." They did call me the other day and ask me to do something that no one else could do - another reason I said, "If you think you can run it without me then go ahead and try.." So I told them to call someone and they would walk them through it. Basically saying NO I will not come in and do it.
I don't know. The thought of going in makes me sick to my stomach.
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((((((((((Kell))))))))))
Oh how I know that queasy feeling.
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Well I plan on telling my mom that I was serious about leaving. I fully expect her to think I was mad and after awhile I will get over it. Moral support needed!!
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>>>I am knee deep in my own determination . When I can come up for air, I'll let you know how it turns out!<<<<<
oh! i just love that quote :-)
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OC...
Will she think it's crying wolf, or another sally in the ongoing drama?
Would it be better for you to just plan as you keep applying, and just tell her when it's real?
Hops
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I am 100% behind whatever you decide you need to do. I know it is very, very difficult position to be in so you have my support on what ever decision and actions you take. - GS
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Well I want to give her the option of leaving and letting me run the place but tell her that I WILL leave he not so SHE has a choice to make. Meanwhile I have applied to lots but am not getting the calls I need.
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Wanted you all to know that the leads for jobs have all but dried up. I went to Careerbuilder and nothing. I went to Monster and nothing. I am really in limbo land. I have taken so much time off. I just thought I would check in on this thread and say that I just wish I knew what the perfect job will be for me!!!
But boy, after the four months of jerking around by the other company and now no good leads. It is funny. I apply for several jobs. Some that I never in a million years think will call me for an interview do. And those I really think I would be a perfect fit for, blow me off. I have so many years of retail management experience. Sales experience. Restaurant Management experience. Training experience. So when I retail place has an ad and says you need at least five years retail management experience and I have 13 and they don't call me, I wonder what they want???
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Hi OC,
I worked for a company in Human Resources once and sometimes when openings came up they would place an ad because they were required too, but they knew who they were going to hire before placing the ad. Keep on keeping on, the right job will come through for you eventually.
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I agree on that one. Most of the time, those in charge of openings and hiring have someone they already know in mind for the job. Even in areas that ought to be neutral and are test based, such as civil service, the experienced "hirers" know how to work it so that a friend or someone they previously worked with will be able to get the job.
A few years back I interviewed twice for my ideal job. In fact, I had it and she called me and left a message on my machine that sounded like it was a done deal except for paperwork. Then I never heard back. I was able to find out who got the job and realized it was someone with a connection. What I didn't understand was why I had been "led on" with that message. A couple years later I ran into the person who had tried to hire me. She had felt terrible about it. She didn't explain the details but I realized she had been overruled at the last minute. Nobody had told HER that the job was to be set aside for someone else. They had her go through all the motions of interviewing several people and picking the person she wanted and basically just wasted everybody's time. All these years later, I see this kind of thing all around me. I think it also explains why so many incompetent people have really good and/or powerful jobs.
Maybe somehow you can make your own job one of these days, Kell. Maybe go to college again or something? Of course, I'm that last person to be giving any job-related advice at all. But I have made a lot of mistakes along those lines! I know what not to do!!!
Pennyplant
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Funny, I was born on John Lennon's birthday..
Yes, the job I was pining for was a series of crazy events. It is true. The last time they posted it, the new DM had already decided to hire an Assistant from KC.........so the ad was for not.
Oh well, I really love my job. I just don't love working with my mom. I have to remember that she really is getting old and it is only a matter of time before something happens which will force her out.....but meanwhile my sanity is at stake!
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I think it is harder to wait when there really is no expiration date. Then it seems like it might be forever. And that is just unbearable. No way to pace yourself. It is true that eventually she will be gone. But what will it take? The wondering is maddening. Not knowing what to expect makes it worse.
I also had a job I loved but the boss was N. I stuck it out for five years with her because I loved that job. But she was too much for me to take anymore and I walked out. When I started looking for work, people would ask me what I wanted to do and I would say, I wanted the job I had. It was a one of a kind job for around here and it still hurts a great deal that I had to walk out. I feel that the N ruined something really great for me.
Pennyplant
PS Oh yeah, and I was born on Paul McCartney's birthday!!