Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sea storm on April 02, 2007, 02:04:08 AM
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My ex partner has been in contact and he is getting the rest of his things from the house and yard. He needs to do this in order to get the money from the house settlement. I don't know if he has finished getting his stuff. He does not let me know, although I asked him too. This sounds so simple. I felt like killing myself but know that I can't because I have a child. I( am horrible pain and keep seeing him with new woman.
He said he is sorry I am having a hard time. Mostly, he talks to me as if I am a complete stranger which is very painful. We were together for eight years.
zo
I am at my sisters otherwise I would go to a hospital. She has helf me in her arms while I cried. I dont want to be such a burden to her. Seh siad she would rather have me at her place than at the hospital.
This is not like a regular separation. I feel like I have been raped and pillaged.
I told him I could not stand to do anything and to just leave his stuff but the lawyer said this has to end and there has to be closure so that it ends. I have gotten a lawyer, been arrested, found out about the affair, gone to the bank and remortgaged the house within five months. This has happened so fast. I got the lawyer after the first two weeks. I hope to god this is the right thing to do. To have these boundaries. It feels like it is too painful to bear.
Please please say something to me. I am barely human anymore. I cant expect anyone to be with me because I am in complete dispair.
Sea Storm
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(((((((((((((seastorm))))))))))))))))))
I can almost feel your pain. It sounds unbearable, but maybe you are hitting the bottom now and there is no where to go but up.
I hit many bottoms but there were false floors and finally came the last one and it was over.
Please just draw on the strength you have, and what we here can give you, to see you through.
Complete Despair seems like the very end, and now you turn around and fight your way back
Love and hugs, prayers and blessings
Izzy
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Sea,
I know you are feeling deep pain and I'm so sorry. I wish with a snap of the finger you could leave it all behind.
Take good care.
tt
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Dear Sea...high waves right now, but the sea changes.
It calms, dear. So will you.
You are letting the storm of emotions vent its fury...and you can trust that it will blow itself out...
You will still be buoyant, you will not drown. Even gasps between sobs are breaths.
I am sending you love, and a promise:
Time is crawling now, but time is elastic. There are going to be leaps forward, that compress growth and healing just as this time seems to scrape you across a sharp reef with every thought. There ARE going to be other kinds of time, where you are floating and sailing, and you'll look back at a barrier in the background, and it will get smaller, and then an even more extraordinary time, when your vision is filled with a horizon, and it begins to interest you more than the reef, and then you will forget to think about the reef every day, and it will not too long from now (not too long to bear) become valuable only as a marker of how far you have come.
On a new journey.
Sending you love,
Hops
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Sea,
So sorry you are in such pain at the moment. You are grieving and that is a very painful process. I am glad you have a sister who sees your worth and cares so much for you.
I think HOps is right, this is a hard time but it does pass, everything passes, painfully but it does. Can you get someone else to deal with him. I think any contact at all with him just sets you back and is like rubbing salt in the wound. There should be no reason for you to have any contact with him. Obvioulsy he does not care about you at all, if he did he would have either stayed or left you in a respectful way. Seeing how hurt you are is I believe in some way supply for him. Cutting him out of your life physically will make things easier for you. This time last year I thought I would die without XN today if I saw him I think I would vomit as he disgusts me. It has taken me a long time to KNOW that I was and am nothing to him and I thank God that I am free of his evil presence in my life. I refuse to allow him control me anymore, even at a distance. XN may be happy with his new supply for all I know and if he is so be it I am just relieved that I am not listening to any more lies, games, gaslighting. You never again have to put up with his crazymaking, that is his new supplys job. Focus on how you can keep yourself safe, that is what is important now.
xxxxxxxxxx
axa
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Dear Sea,
After reading your message, I too could feel your pain. My first thought was toward your sister, how kind she is and you are very fortunate you have a sister who loves you so much! You are not alone Sea, and I hope you can look deep inside and find a bit of hope, find something good to think about. Do you paint or have a sport to get involved in? Even a small walk outside, get some fresh air and sunshine in your face, the world can be and is most of the time a beautiful place. You will be in my thoughts today, Sea, take care today, do something different, something for you.
daisysforyou
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Oh Sea!
Your heart will heal. He's not worth all this agony. You deserve much better!
I'm so sorry for your pain and I will say a prayer for you that it will subside.
Rushing out now but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you today and sending you warm thoughts and hopes for a much better future.
Sela
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Sea: I am here to help you. Stupid man. Anyone who cheats on someone and then flushes their self esteem should be hung. Let us imagine that picture and get a smile out of it!
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Sea - you are in so much pain because you are still attached to him emotionally. I am going to give you some very strange sounding things to help you lessen your pain. I am writing out something for you to say to yourself - modify it in any way that pleases you. The goal is to cut the emotional bind. You do not have to "feel" in agreement with the words but it is important that the words reflect how you want to feel.
Thank you for releasing me from this man. I deserve better. This man has hurt me to my core. I will no longer long for him or other hurtful men in my life. Even though I do not feel thankful, I am thankful to be free of him. I will heal from my relationship with him and I will heal the core of myself that is so wounded that I found a wounder rather than a healer. I deserve a healer.
Most important is to find words that help you move from being wounded by him to longing for healing. Though he continues to hurt you he can only do that because you still are attached to him. You must actually break that attachment. Declare that you are glad to be free of that damaging relationship - even if you don't yet agree. As you do this over and over you will find a release - slowly but surely. Do not allow yourself to want ANYTHING from him. He is utterly toxic.
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((((((((((((((((((((((sea)))))))))))))))))))
Hang in there babe. Please don't think of taking your life... we need you here. And would you really want him to think he has that much power over you?
Do what you can do just to get by. Keep coming here and do let your sister help you.
Love, Beth
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Hi Sea,
I can't remember, do you have a small group or therapist but not following through presently? If so, please get reconnected. If you don't maybe that would be a good direction. Churches often have counselors or can refer you to one. We all need support during the hard times. Bless your sister for being there for you. People are here for you, but sometimes a realspace blowout with someone who understands your pain can help too.
Wishing you the best.
tt
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((((((((((sea storm))))))))))
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Sea
I re read your post again and it just touched me to the core of my heart.
The overt madness started in my life with XN on 14th December 2006. I spent the next months screaming until my throat was raw from the pain that was in me. I could not stop crying. I lost about 35lbs weight. I could not eat, I could not sleep I could not think. I believe I went into some zone whereby all I could feel was the rawness of the pain. I would drink pints of water and smoke cigarettes it was all I could manage. I had what I thought was a family, which I loved very much, XN and daughter, and it turned out that they were not who I thought they were. It was as if my "family" had been replaced by aliens. I thought I would go mad. I thought of suicide, anything to stop the pain. I became ill, I could not concentrate on anything. I was desperate for everything to be ok. I would have done anything to have things back ok again.
Time passed, I stayed with him, listened to his lies, games etc and slowly I began to see what I was dealing with. When all the charm fell away I realised he saw the pain I was in and he did not care. In fact he provoked me, set me up, and then cut the legs from under me. It was a game. I observed him, listened to him, at times got into the game with him and lost my cool around him but I saw what was going on and knew that all the pain I had suffered had been intentional. It was as if he had set up his torture chamber and choose his tools. On 14th DEcember 2007 I dumped him. Took me a long time, but no more tears. i did my grieving in the relationship and felt freedom and relief when I threw him out. I thought I would die after him, I truely did but I felt alive for the first time in such a long time.
I made a list which still is on my wall, I rarely read it now as the detachment process moves along. Sea, make a list of the truth of your relationship with him. I posted my list here at some stage, all the abuse etc and the final sentance............ And he loved me. The pain you are feeling are your wounds and also if you are anything like me you are probably in shock. In ten years time, you will barely remember him other than recall the creep who swindled and abused you. It is all about detaching and healing. Be gentle with yourself. Cry out every tear, scream every name you can think of to call him, get physical, though you wont feel like doing that. You must give your head a break from the replaying of the madness, Sleep. I could not sleep proplerly until recently. Sleep and one day you will wake up and he will NOT be the first thing on your mind.
Can I be so bold as to suggest you have had a lucky escape. you are in charge of your life now not him. You can make a good life for yourself though I know that does not seem possible but you can. Spend as much time as you can getting your grief and anger out. I started seeing my T twice a week and spent a lot of time doing things which allowed my pain out.
I so feel for you but I survived it, you will, it will be slow and painful but you will live.
hugs,
axa
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(((((((((((((((((((((((sea)))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((axa for saying all the tender things I didn't know how to say )))))))))))))
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(((((((sea)))))))
Rest, Sea, rest as much as you can. These emotions will drain you and you need to rest. Veg out, watch a lot of mindless TV, read if you can concentrate, sit outside just still and try to listen - anything you feel like doing and nothing more. It's the first step toward gathering your strength again.
I am thinking of you.
Towrite
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Dear Sea ,
Here is a letter for you to imagine that I wrote to you ex
Dear N,
I write this letter to you because you see (I know you). You swoop in on women trying to dazzle by your looks and the long training of acting that you have used throughout your life. Your training for all those years actually made my Friend Sea think you were a feeling human being. But like all actors they have a low spot/point when there acting just does not carry through for them anymore. None of the stars (Sea) want to be cast in your movie or play a role with you. Your class A movies have went to B. You can’t even FAKE IT anymore. How embarrassing is that? Your image is shattered. I know you hate that but I love to tell you I see your true image. You really are not much of anything. You really are a weak pathetic being aren’t you?
I say I know you. I do know you. You are not extraordinary person I wouldn’t even say you are an ordinary person. You’re just there leaking your poison onto everything. Leaking in such small amounts over time that people do not even know they have been poisoned till it’s too late. They wake up feeling really sick and confused from all the toxins they have taken in for years. Sea is draining your poison out now. It is out of her body for the most part. She is now dealing with the violation you committed against her mind. You are a criminal in my book N. You are the pettiest of criminals. How does that make you feel? Your image and ego is so HUGE yet you are so petty. It is so laughable. Here is the big man, important man, who I find LAUGHABLE
I would of loved to be a fly on the wall to see you work it with the new woman/women. By the way how did your pity party go? Do the new ones know you are not Class A anymore? How’s that poison of yours working for you? Are they toxic yet? How are there bank accounts? Is there enough for you to take for years to come? Oh how silly of me asking such questions. I’m sure you have done all your homework first. You would never make a mistake of finding someone just like you, right?
My Friend Sea is doing just fine. The poison has affected her heart a little but nothing that can’t be cured. It’s just going to be a little longer to get it all out. Sometimes she don’t feel so good but please don’t mistake that is due to you. You already did your damage. This damage is (old) just being purged and sometimes it’s pain full. You couldn’t even do that right. Anything you do (anything) does not last. You are curable in all aspects. Like I said you’re laughable. You’re a joke and an embarrassment to life. What you didn’t count on was I KNOW YOU! OTHERS KNOW YOU! And my Friend SEA KNOWS YOU NOW TOO!!! She will heal. She is healing. She is an incredible strong brave person. So unlike you.
What a damn fool you are!
The one thing you and others like you HATE!!! Is to hear the words WE KNOW YOU!! WE REALLY KNOW YOU!!! When you hear that you run like the little cowards you are.
Power is in numbers!! You recruited so many with your manipulations. You didn't know that Sea holds the POWER TOO! She recruited US! the people that do know you!!! Your biggest Fear!! We will be right there standing supporting Sea even if you can't see us we are in her mind.
Sea will be just fine and rid of you, your poison, and a life with you. You will be left as just a passing thought with no power very soon.
Deb
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Heavy Sigh.
Many of us have been right there where you are. Hold on because this is very close to bottom and then it gets so much better. You're almost past the worst phase. The feeling of still feeling wanted by this person. Wanting to feel important, the center of this person's world. Feeling desired, appreciated, KNOWN. And knowing the other person deeper than anyone else has ever known. We all want those things so bad.
The best part is that you will have that with someone worthy. You will. Time just needs to march on a little bit more and you will be there.
Hugs and love, encouragement, appreciation and validation all belong to you.
Dandylife
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TT
Thank you for acknowledging my words. When I read Sea's post it threw me back to the memory of the pain and also allowed me know how far i have come. I feel so sad that I allowed myself be duped by such an imposter but am mostly feeling grateful that I got myself out of the madness.
I have been thinking about evil a lot lately and know I met evil in XN. The best I can come up with is that it is like life - a mystery. I do not waste my energy thinking about the evil of XN these days and that feels like progress. All we can do, I believe, is learn to protect ourselves, keep ourselves safe from the evil and trust those gut feelings we were taught to ignore. For those of us who have left Ns our gut in the end kicked in, like it was in the class for the slow learners......... hoping to move up to the A class myself. I observe people who trust their instinct and gut completely and they don't end up in N relationships, this is my goal.
THanks for hearing me,
axa
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Axa,
It has been a privilege to watch you recover from your XN over the last few months. I have watched you hit bottom as Seastorm is, and slowly work your way to the surface. And when I have hit bottom again, I have remembered your recovery and believed in its possibility for me.
Thank you for posting through your journey, even the hard parts, and encouraging the rest of us.
CB
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My ex partner has been in contact and he is getting the rest of his things from the house and yard. He needs to do this in order to get the money from the house settlement. I don't know if he has finished getting his stuff. He does not let me know, although I asked him too. This sounds so simple. I felt like killing myself but know that I can't because I have a child. I( am horrible pain and keep seeing him with new woman.
He said he is sorry I am having a hard time. Mostly, he talks to me as if I am a complete stranger which is very painful. We were together for eight years.
zo
I am at my sisters otherwise I would go to a hospital. She has helf me in her arms while I cried. I dont want to be such a burden to her. Seh siad she would rather have me at her place than at the hospital.
This is not like a regular separation. I feel like I have been raped and pillaged.
I told him I could not stand to do anything and to just leave his stuff but the lawyer said this has to end and there has to be closure so that it ends. I have gotten a lawyer, been arrested, found out about the affair, gone to the bank and remortgaged the house within five months. This has happened so fast. I got the lawyer after the first two weeks. I hope to god this is the right thing to do. To have these boundaries. It feels like it is too painful to bear.
Please please say something to me. I am barely human anymore. I cant expect anyone to be with me because I am in complete dispair.
Sea Storm
(((((Sea Storm)))) Awwwwww.... Sweetie. You should cry and you should scream and mourn and get it all out. Being sad is part of getting over something like this. Don't consider yourself a burden...... it's important that you be able to accept love and help from those who care about you. You've been a big help to me and...... I'm not afraid to say I need it. Or accept it.
Eventually..... as always..... one small good feeling leads to another. You'll probably have to force yourself to take that first step, whatever it is. Planting something. Flossing twice daily. Helping out at a Charity you admire. Starting anew excercise program. Eating healthier. Buying truly fabulous candles and enjoying spa night in the tub once a week. Joining a book club full of people you think you might grow to admire and enjoy spending time with. It takes energy you don't have, I know but.... eventually you will have mourned enough and it'll be time to open a door and walk through it. That door will lead to others and still more. Eventually.... when you aren't even paying attention.... you'll realize that you're happy to be alive again. Able to feel the sun and breeze on a lovely summer day. It's coming.
Everyone goes through the void you're in right now. There's an end and just know..... repeat this to yourself..... "it's ok.... it's ok." I promise.... it really will be ok. Margo
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CB
Still have some wobbly days, especially when I think of how I was used but thankfully can see the reality of XN. Still dealing with the anger but on a most positive note did a great run tonight and feel on top of the world. So grateful my life is now slime free.
Whipeeeeeeeeeeee
axa
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Love the analogy of slime. I think of it as this goo or film all over my body that as hard as I try I cannot wash it off.
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This is not like a regular separation. I feel like I have been raped and pillaged.
I told him I could not stand to do anything and to just leave his stuff but the lawyer said this has to end and there has to be closure so that it ends. I have gotten a lawyer, been arrested, found out about the affair, gone to the bank and remortgaged the house within five months. This has happened so fast. I got the lawyer after the first two weeks. I hope to god this is the right thing to do. To have these boundaries. It feels like it is too painful to bear.
Please please say something to me. I am barely human anymore. I cant expect anyone to be with me because I am in complete dispair.
Sea Storm
I also want to say....... don't discount your strength. You were the only working person in your house, while being driven batty by gaslighting and sabotage. You are capable of being productive and loving and having a fulfilling life. He isn't. Whatever happens with him and his new victim.... you know on some level that you're lucky to be out.
How extradorniary to see nice person after nice person, on this board, face reality, so impossible that the stories are real! But they are, of course. It's simply gut wrenchingly difficult for healing committed spirits to stop trying to heal and cease the commitments they've been honoring...... thought they'd honor forever. How lucky the N's have been that they were allowed access to these nice hearts, to begin with. You aren't losing your N.... he was never yours. You were the important person in that relationship and I dread it for you that he'll probably be back again, at some later date. N's don't choose people like themselves...... they choose people who have something going for them. People like you. Margo