Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: axa on April 05, 2007, 11:22:04 AM
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Having problems posting here today. Wrote two long replies which were lost so decided to try on a new thread as I would like peoples opinions.
Anger - I was reading about conflict and confrontation and decided that I do not like either. I avoid confrontation as I believe that people are set in their positions and cannot hear me. This has been my experience most of my life.
I can get angry but have to be pushed really hard and then I let fly. Have done this with xn when confrontation/discussion did not work. I have lost control and hated it because I know this was what he wanted........ I ended up looking like I was crazy.
As i do not confront people I am left with anger. I am aware of this, not all the time. I do things like run when I feel angry and this helps but there is such a sense of hurt from the injustice I received from XN. I want to be in a place where I could not care less, just feel grateful that that piece of trash is out of my life, but the anger emerges. I DONT WANT IT. The only person it hurts is me.
Mud wrote that there was no point in trying to confront the likes of an N. How right that is, but where do I go to get closure. I have thought of ways to punish him, but how do you punish someone who cares about nodody or nothing. I want some closure. As I write this I know the closure has to come from inside me but dont know how to do it. I do not want to waste my life and my energy on the anger I feel at the injustice I have suffered but feel stuck with it right now.
Confrontation with XN would only be supply to him and I am smart enough to know I do not want to give him this. So HELP
AXA
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Ax: Someone once told me that harboring hatred and bitterness and resentment and anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. So I have tried praying for her, but the dreams? Full of rage! I do not know how to get that closure either.
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Axa,
Boy do I know what you mean. How to get rid of anger. Talk about what made you angry. We all know the (whole) picture of living with N's and what is done so I will tell you some of the things that made me angry.
On my birthday once he had a surprise party (which I stated) I did not want. I had plans of my own. He set up a friend to take me to lunch (which interfered with my plans) but I was too nice to say no thank you anyway but I have other plans. Did not want to hurt her feelings. He used my other friends to help set up (at their cost) supplied very little for the party.
Was embarrassing. I got nothing I wanted for my birthday and then some taken away. He talked about me to people at the party (where I was trying to be pleasant) for other peoples sake about how good he was for doing this and I did not appreciate it. I wound up giving my birthday money *I saved for myself* to the people he borrowed from that night and did not pay back. I ripped him a new ass later on and cried my eyes out. All my friends seen this and thought shit of him.
He then had to go to my friends house to return somethings the next day with his (freaking wounded ego) only trying to restore his image, when they saw right through him that night with an Announcement thanks for helping with the party, Deb hated it (he knew I didn't give a shit anymore about him) and by the way I have been having an affair for the last few weeks with a girl by my job but she's boring me to death now, so I have plans on another one that I think is drop dead beautiful but it's just sex, means nothing, I really love Deb and she would never ever do the same to me. WTF!! Was I mad, Oh hell ya! I was not mad at the girls or him with the girls I did not really care. I was very pissed that he took my friends by proxy to hurt me since he could not longer do it alone.
OK that was only one of my INSANE ANGER MOMENTS!!!!!
Another was at Easter time when he came in with a plant. I was so happy. I was touched only to see that he brought my friend one too! I was very hurt that I was not special (as stupid as it may be) and (expressed that) to be blown off that I was being an asshole, he confirmed I was not special. I WAS ANGRY THEN TOO!!!
I have plenty more. I felt better when I broke down all my angers and validated them to be (perfectly normal).
So whats your Anger moments girls.
Lets get rid of them.
Love
Deb
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Hi all
I’ve had a couple of experiences with extreme anger and no way to win.
Once was a guy (½ friend—in college) who borrowed $600.00 and signed all the appropriate papers, etc and I trusted he would repay the Money. He didn’t, and even went to the trouble of moving away to evade me. I put it in for collection still livid with anger, and came to the conclusion I would never win, that I was angry with myself for lending the money in the first place and, as time went by, I had cut my losses and moved on.
The other was the N and about the same principle applied, for me. No way I could ‘win’. I was so angry and wanted to exact some revenge somehow, had terrible thoughts of killing him and other worse things, had nightmares about him. The No Contact works but not immediately; however that, along with TIME, lessened the anger for me (again anger with myself for being conned) and now after almost 5 years away from him (and he lives just a block ½ away from me—we never bump into one another) he is a mere bug that I can squish with my mind. The length of time-2-2½ -3 years before reaching a point of feeling truly free, while keeping busy
Living well is the best revenge
I would receive calls from the Gov’t for him (the partnership business I dissolved) and gave out his phone number as well as asking then to remove any reference re me, as I was 'out'. I saw ads in the paper for him to rent out rooms---only was to save the expense of moving and be able to pay the rent. It’s our little local paper and I saw ads for things he treasured but was selling off----- and I was busy working, making $$, as I never did when with him.
Time heals (I made that up for here, as I heard it some place)
Love Izzy
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Hey Izzy,
I think I was more mad at myself also for doing something I didn't really want to do (like the party) I should of excused myself and let him hold the bag he set up. That was truly my anger for not saying Oh well too bad, got plans.
I was also mad at myself for not breaking that damn plant over his head.
Now I find lots of humor in these events.
After the party when he took it upon himself to set my friend up with his (affair talking) when I think back to the look on her face it is very funny. We laugh our asses off as of today when we speak of it. She had this look that I cannot explain. She was trying to make sense out of no sense and her face was hysterical. I looked at her and said Welcome to my World and be both bust out laughing. Ok Ok, so I got a little revenge. I'll admit it. I turned to my friend and said Well of course he keeps looking for new women he has a little D**k and he sucks in bed. Gotta keep searching, don't ya for one who won't care. Right in front of him! OK so I was mean, Oh well. Felt good at the time.
As far as that stupid plant. I tried to nurture that thing (keep it alive) which I really think I was nurturing myself. Finally my daughter decided she wanted to play (make believe cooking with a pot) she used the leaves as the spaghetti. I was devastated at first which turned into pure laughter after I realized why I was keeping that damn half dead thing alive. .
I do not refer to my marriage as my (marriage to my first ex) I refer to it as when I lived in Nutsville and we laugh!!! Everyone has related to that saying even if they didn't live there they are all familiar with at least visiting that place one in a life time. Oh ya! ya! I understand what you are saying, I've been to nutsville. (metaphor) Makes it less intense.
Laughter has done so much healing for me.
Love
Deb
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OMG,
I just realized all those times I thought I wasn't getting through to an N. Didn't matter what I said. I really did. I hit him right in the brain he thought (with) letting him know he didn't have much of one.OMG!! just now I realized that. Cause it sure caused lots of injury to him for quite sometime.
Thank you Axa for this anger thread.
But I do feel bad causing that now. That was mean. That is the only thing I am sorry for. I don't like to inflict pain.
Love
Deb
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Anger..... Boy that has been a constant companion for so much of my life
you get to a point though where you say "I'm not going to allow anger to run my life any longer"!! you just refuse to allow it to destroy you
and with me it is getting better.... every now and then it rears its ugly head, in very sneaky ways... sometimes i have to stop and think about what i just said or why i said what i said, then think about the attitude or feeling behind it... and sure enough it is almost always a form of some type of anger....
but it does get better ....
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I agree anger can make you sick.... when i think back to when i first was diagnosed with high blood pressure, it was arround the time when i started to stand up to my father in law.............. i was on these pills for almost 8 yrs
but through many life changes of my own,
1) diet, physical exorsise, spiritual work, emotional and physcological councel I am no longer on blood pressure pills, although i still* run to sweets, as a form of self abuse ( i just figured that out about myself), so i have to work with that because my cholesterol is so high....
do other people also eat, out of emotional pain? or maybe it is just me lol
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Oh food is my go to! It is like I am self sabotaging! Anger has fueled my hate for so long. Now I am trying to break the vicious cycle with a lot of prayer!
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do other people also eat, out of emotional pain? or maybe it is just me lol
Ummmmm.... vanilla ice cream on a waffle topped with chocolate sauce and nuts...... and salt. Lot's of salt, lol. Yes.... on top of the ice cream and nuts, lol.
As for salty run to food...... potato chips with ketchup and milk. I sorta grew out of spagettios w/doritos, lol. Margo
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do other people also eat, out of emotional pain?
No, but I sometimes eat out of the box and drink out of the carton. :?
mud
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Hey Mud,
And I'll probably put my Easter corsage in the closet and my hat in the fridge! :lol:
tt
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Mom's church lady brought her dinner so when I walked in I realized I was FREE
of fixing her meal and making her chat, which is hardest on Friday nights...
so I said cheerfully, well I can see you're taken care of so that's great,
and I'll just not worry about you tonight because I see you're all right,
and began to make my escape upstairs, and she said....ta da....
well, yes.......for now.
ARRRRGGGGGHHHH. I forgot to raise the shields so I coped in my usual
healthy fashion.
I ate an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses and a package of...burrrp...
PURPLE marshmallow Peeps for dinner.
Now I feel, well, bleeaaaahhhh isn't adequate.
burp,
Hops
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Mom's church lady brought her dinner so when I walked in I realized I was FREE
of fixing her meal and making her chat, which is hardest on Friday nights...
so I said cheerfully, well I can see you're taken care of so that's great,
and I'll just not worry about you tonight because I see you're all right,
and began to make my escape upstairs, and she said....ta da....
well, yes.......for now.
ARRRRGGGGGHHHH. I forgot to raise the shields so I coped in my usual
healthy fashion.
I ate an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses and a package of...burrrp...
PURPLE marshmallow Peeps for dinner.
Now I feel, well, bleeaaaahhhh isn't adequate.
burp,
Hops
Oh, Hops, you're a Purple-Peeps-Whole Eater!
:mrgreen:
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CB, hon,
I am so glad you made six more people.
anger is a healthy emotion--it energizes us to make changes in our life--but it's lethal if we don't let it do its work and then let it go
You are a wise and beautiful person.
love
Hops
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Stormy,
The nice thing about the quotes block is that the color of it matches the color of my TONGUE.
PPW-E
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Hey Axa, I have a lot of anger but I find that you can channel it in negative or positive ways. Here's what I experience:
I get extremely angry thoughts when thinking about my treatment by N's and I sit there fuming thinking how I would confront them, wondering if I should, scared of what I might do to them in my rage - this kind of anger just winds me up, makes be bitter and twisted and ultimately makes me unhappy.
However most of the time I just picture an N and their pathetic wicked face contorted by their ugly filthy soul and I laugh at their pain and sad little lives becuase no matter how rich and how powerful they become they will still be spirtiual losers who've acheived nothing but bringing pain and suffering to others (I would like to add that I laugh in my head as if I just started laughing inanely out loud I think I'd be going a little dollaly although I have to say a little evil chuckle may escape my lips from time to time :lol: ) So when I've pictured my desired idiot in my mind I then channel all that hatred and anger into making myself do something constructive and positive with my day. And each day I become more constructive and more positive and until eventually I will become so positive and happyand contented that the N's will be utterly forgotten as a passing footnote of my life so horray and hurrah!!
Hmmm I think thats how I doing things anyway :D Gotta go my cheese on toast is going cold! :P
James
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Hops,
Me, too!!!! :D
James,
You're the best! I'm so glad you're here. :lol:
CB
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Thanks CB Im glad to be here :D
Love ya all
James
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I like what James said about laughing. And thinking of them all contorted. I believe my anger has turned to bitterness and has turned inward. That worries me because of the health ramifictions it could cause.
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Hey OC, yes bitterness is an ugly thing which I think we have all experienced to some degree or another. To let ourselves become bitter because of an N though is unacceptable and if you are bitter then you need to get rid of it quick smart as the N has suceeded in making your life a continuous misery which is exactly what they want. It is the N's hatred of themselves and of others happiness that leads them to wreak havoc upon our lives, and this abuse they subject us too will have a myriad of effects upon us, it will make us depressed, angry and bitter and the longer they abuse us the more of their abuse we receive and the more angry and bitter we become. These feelings though can be overcome no matter how entrenched they are and I think a good laugh can do wonders although it'll take a more concentrated effort to halt the bitterness as I know it is a powerful emotion and it can easily become a quickly learnt habitual behaviour.
I found this link on bitterness which I think is interesting, I havent read it completely through but it looks helpful and may help bitterness be defeated which is a good thing :D
http://www.newhope.bc.ca/97-04-20.htm
I also found this one which looks eqaully as helpful :D
http://www.christian.connections-c.com/bit.html
I hope you can get rid of the bitterness soon as you are kind and generous spirit who does not need such an emotional companion bringing you down, hugs to you and all.
James
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Thanks! I am focusing on praying FOR my n mom. I have been reading and praying. I know without releasing my bitterness I am the only one who loses. Plus I believe it gets in the way of any blessings I may get!
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Hey OC, glad the links are useful to you :D I dont feel that bitter much :? , these days but its good to see how the mechanism works so that I wont fall back into the trap
Peace be with you always
James
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Hello all,
Since I have put away all my feelings, I don't know if there is one that is running my life. If I had to guess, it would be 'fear' in whatever dose. Fear of saying something wrong to.................................. fear of being in another car crash
I believe I have a bottomless pit of anger, but I don't recall being angry with anyone since the N, or before. I had to yell to be heard over him--useless.
If I ever 'peel back the layers' to expose me to myself-----------I wonder what will spill forth first?????
I sense I am entering a vey scary part of life, if the therapist can be helpful enough to uncover the real me.
xx
Izzy
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Iz We are here for you. Someone told me anger is fear, was that you? Do you have flash backs of the car crash? I am afraid of dying in a crash, I have had so many friends killed in cars. I am with you!
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I have found that under my anger was a whole mess of emotions. I have learned to call them by name and not deny or suppress them. Over time I am able to figure out the source of my bad feelings and that has been so healing. When I feel resentment or jealousy (which are closely related for me) I am keenly aware that my father was so regimented about what he would allow me to do or have that I unknowingly became bitter and resentful. After a lifetime of being unaware those feelings I FINALLY realized that they not only existed but were abounding in me. Now when I recognize them I turn it around and say consciously to myself, "I'm glad they have that in their life. I hope to have it in mine sometime." And all the sting of the resentment or bitterness goes away.
I am working on that with fear as well. I have an unbelieveable fear about failing everything I do. It also took me eons to realize this. I was completely unaware of the presense of any fear. But it has to do with my father's unbearable criticism and perfiectionism. NOTHING I ever did or hoped to do would pass the muster. I had no idea that I was plagued by that in every single action I took - even in private, even in my own thoughts. That's the power of this terrible abusive N stuff. So now I have to pray for courage and confidence over simple things - like hemming my son's pants for Easter or cooking dinner or grocery shopping. But at least I have figured it out and CAN do something about it.
Izzy - I once was afraid of crying or never stopping crying and I have been afraid of the anger as well. But somehow as I moved through it I have found myself on the other end of both of those. You are moving through them as well. - GS
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Hi All,
I have an unbelieveable fear about failing everything I do. It also took me eons to realize this.See? GS said it better than I! I cannot name a particular fear--just vague fear about nothing and everything.
I have no flashbacks of the car crash, or of anything. I have memories that come to mind, in the form of still photgraphs. No more PTSD or nightmares. Long over. Every memory has a photograph.
Sometimes I think I will live forever, as it will take forever to sort me out and I will live to see my one child die, and my 3 grandchildren as well.
These are irrational thoughts, but I must be 'fixed' to eliminate these thoughts.
My ANGER, as I mentioned before , is pointing at me, for not being 'normal' enough to understand anger, in its proper perspective!
IZZY
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Nope, no not exactly. It's not about perspective, it's about overload. You've had overload Izzy. That's what you are dealing with. But I truly believe that with your therapist you will begin to release this stuff because it will be safe. I also bellieve that this loving community offers many of us a place to experience true support and encouragement and nurturing that is necessary to crack our turtle shells open just enough to let some of the good stuff in to heal that deep ulcerated soar underneath and then we will crack it open a little more again and again until we get enough healing to move through this stuff. - That's my 2 cent's worth - GS
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The process takes so long. It IS like an onion. Just when I think I am getting better my mom conveniently forgets a decision we make or makes it a point to put some poor unsuspecting person in their place. It truly is like a sore that will not heal. Just when you think it is almost gone the wound is reopened and you feel like you are starting all over. But the thing that keeps me going is the hope-the anticipation that God will not make me endure this forever! That one day I will be free!!
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I have found this the best place of all to say what I say and have people translate it for me.
This can be daily, the Therapist is weekly.
I am still trying to understnad/figure out, who I am, but am getting some insights!
It is important to me, but it is also Important that I am able, financially, to live without worry. At $106.00 an hour and 10 years to be come who I really am-- just to die, makes sense, then again does not make sense.
I liove alone and keep my solitude so that people who do not know about me, will not give me misleading informatiom/suggestions.
xx
Izzy
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Hi Iz,
Every memory has a photograph.
Say, was there a point when your collection of memories became still photos as opposed to moving photos with detailed memories. I've wrestled with having lived a life almost devoid of memories particularly through adolescence. Hoping you can shed some light.
tt
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Hi TT
I think they have always been still photographs.
I have a memory of the 3 eldest girls sitting on a tree limb and bouncing up and down, but we are not moving. I was the youngest of the three and did not have a good hand hold, just a knot on the tree limb. My photograph is of my little handds hanging on for dear life to this knot.
At the same time, I can envision what someone else would see to come across that sight and I am still hanging on for dear life and the other two have great hand holds, and I have a still photograph of us up high and another of us doen low.
Nothing moves.
My visions/phographs are as though I took them--only my hands and arms appear....not all of me.
Make any sense?
xx
Izzy
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Iz,
Interesting. You seem to have a similar experience to mine except you have a lot of still pictures. I have a few. You have stories in your head of events. I have almost none. If I were an old motel, the Vacancy light would be flashing! You (and others) may have already gathered that! :lol:
Make any sense?
I can't say I've given up trying to make sense of how I processed the goings on of my life, but I'm a bit calmer about it. Not quite so frantic to understand it all. If any of it were going to kill me, it would have happened seven years ago when I chose the path of recovery, so the pressure is off.
Thanks for sharing.
tt
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Hi TT
I could add that most of my 'photographs' are of times when I was getting the short end of the stick.
I don't remember anything happy! Maybe your memories (non-memories) are happy ones?
Yep, heading fot the Motel now :lol:
Izzy
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When I was very young I have flashes of memories. My whole life I have chalked it up to being little and not being able to remember. But part of me now thinks it must have been scary for me and so I blocked out some of my life. I think I was full of life and might have been hard to tame so I think I got spankings and lots of intimidation. My dad did the spanking but I do not resent him. His were usually just punishment-mom was usually more rage motivated!
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My anger is strongly linked with a sense of injustice..........like a kid I want to stomp my feet and shout "its not fair" Of course its not fair but its how it is and accepting that the world is full of injustice is something I struggle with.........oops here comes Pollyanna again!
Since I left Xn I meet myself in a joyful place often and love the adventure of this but hate when I feel the anger. I can see that I am moving on but the thought of meeting another man sends shivers down my spine. I lack boundaries, am too forgiving and am still caught up in the fantasy of if I am nice to someone they will be nice to me.
I find myself moving away from a lot of people. I am aware that I often end up in friendships/relationships with bullies where I go into passive mode.......... this is where I need to channel my energy. Its as if I have some attraction to them. I want to break this cycle but its hard hard work.
axa
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There is so much here to think about.
I had a club at school with the kids who had problems with anger. They would act out a lot and get themselves in trouble. It doesn't help that most teachers are not trained to identify the signs of abuse in children.
I would ask the kids to describe how much anger they had inside themselves. A lot of them described having so much anger that it could not be contained in the whole world. They would be so happy to get the anger down to manageable levels so that it wasn't creating so many problems for them.
As the weeks went on and I heard the stories there was so much bottled up in the kids ... anger, fear, disappointment, sadness, resentment etc. The problem seemed to revolve around anger and not being able to make it smaller or make it go away. And so they felt really powerless against this huge huge monster of anger. It was controlling their lives. I can see it is controlling my life too, both then and now.
I watched as the kids learned to be assertive and to recognize their feelings and set boundaries. We built a volcanoe and watched it explode. Everyone could relate to that. We blew up balloons and let them go into the stratusfere taking our anger with it.
As the weeks went by I began to see that the anger was keeping these kids alive and sane. They were living in such aweful no win situations that I thought they were frigging marvelous for just surviving. No wonder they had so much anger. It was just the right ammount of anger for the situation. Getting at the feelings beneath the anger was where the gold was. This little group of boys under the age of ten was incredibly dear. They were hellions in the world outside but they were as astute as anyone on this board about the complexity of experience and the pathos of life.
I think every feeling is very important. Anger is best befriended and not driven underground like an unwelcome intruder.
Big anger is there for a reason. And it will sit in our hearts until we transform it or disapates.
If anything I think this group of people is so nice that we dont' listen enough to our anger and what it is telling us. All those red flags.
Anger can go awry and violence isn't advisable.
Basically, i think we live in an emotional dark age where feeling which are fabulous and like the colours of the rainbow or like the clouds in the sky are pretty much underexplored and ignored. Feelings are like Beethoven
s Fifth.
Anger is like the crumbs that led the orphans out of the witches clutches and through the forest back to safety.
Late night thoughts from Sea storm
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Happiness is the BEST revenge. Without a doubt and most of the time I feel quite happy in myself. I get angry that I waste energy around thoughts about XN. Funny thing is that if he is "happy" I dont really care. I feel quite detached from him in so many ways but the bloody anger keeps resurfacing. i agree with Sea it was the anger that got me out and saved me but I want to let it go now. I am so anxious to move on. I am not discounting the ways I have moved on. 100% clear that he was nothing other than evil which I am grateful is out of my life but want to kick the bits that I still get caught up in out the door.
Feeling a million times better than I did this time last year must remember that.
axa