Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: isittoolate on April 10, 2007, 08:08:00 PM

Title: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: isittoolate on April 10, 2007, 08:08:00 PM

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Hello all

i am feeling rather peaceful right now!

Therapist is such a gentle person.

Today she very nicely explained that I arrive in a wheelchair that is my legs, so it’s like I am still standing for the session.

I saw her point, and it was not upsetting, and then switched to one of her comfy chairs—Great!

Back to daughter and more info for her.

She validated what I have always thought……….that at age 5, when I kissed her goodnight said I would see her in the morning, was in a car crash and didn’t return for a year—I suspected an abandonment issue. Therapist said “Definitely”

Also when SIL kicked me out, when she is left there trapped and I drove away, it would be abandonment to her all over again!!!!

Had I been a stronger person and stood up to her NH, that issue might never have happened. (I said that, not therapist.)

As well, after 7 hours a day, 3 days a week sitting the 2 children, they would feel the abandonment, with K__ 4½-----close to 5 just as his mother----- M__ at age 2 would still have had some affect.

X SIL N is the elephant in the living room for both daughter and me.

Love Izzy

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: gratitude28 on April 10, 2007, 08:18:02 PM

Iz,
At the risk of angering you... I still think your daughter made her choice. You could not have intervened in what she decided she wanted, could you have? I know you said he was violent. What could/should you have done, do you think? Called the police? Taken your daughter away. Would she have let you do that?
YOU are the one who feels you abandoned her. Getting in an accident and almost losing your life is not abandoning someone. You fought to come back to her. I am sure that had you wanted you could have 1) gone ahead and died because you didn't want to face life as it would now be 2) used the wheelchair as an excuse to be weak. You came back strong and willing to be her mom.
(((((Iz)))))))))))
What an awesome therapist.
Love, Beth

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: teartracks on April 10, 2007, 08:40:16 PM

Hi Iz,

You and your therapist rock!  I am blessed when you share your 'story' and the visits with your T. 

I felt an inner sigh when I read your post tonight.  Medicine for me!  Love it!

tt

Title: Re: 5th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: isittoolate on April 10, 2007, 09:46:34 PM

No Beth you haven’t angered me.

Little children can feel abandoned without even being able to discern the emotion. When parents go to work and leave the child elsewhere every day, might the child begin to think that one day they won’t come home? We don’t know.

Do you think a 5 year old can understand about the car crash, the hospital and Mommy will be home “heaven knows when” and I have NO idea what was told to her when she was shifted to 4 different places while I was hospitalized for a year. Of course I felt that I abandoned her but she is also able to have the feeling that I abandoned her, although not understand. I do know she cried a lot.

When she was 2½ I left her father and we were on our own. One day as I was sitting typing, she walked by me putting on her squall jacket.

 I asked, “Where are you going?”

She said, “I’m going to find Daddy.” And off she went down the driveway onto the sidewalk and kept going, kept going, as I stood in the doorway watching her, waiting for her to turn around. She didn’t. She kept going and my heart broke, as I went after her.

Another time it was storming, thunder and lightning. Thunder always scared her. She was still 2½. I sat her on my knee at the kitchen window and we talked and stuff, as I tried to let her see that thunder wouldn’t hurt her. Then a train whistle blew…..

She said, ”That must be Daddy coming on the train to see me.” I shriveled up with guilt!

I’m sure she felt that daddy had “abandoned” her.

She was always glued to my leg. Then I go out and get cracked up and come home in a wheelchair. At 6 does she see me as the same Mommy?—different place, different ways of doing things………….

Had I intervened, it would be not to take my daughter away from her husband (she still professed to love him,) it would have been to stand up to him and say that I had every right to see my grandchildren, that Daughter also had a say in this and they needed the sitter, so don’t be such an asshole! I’ll leave now but I will be back as usual in Tuesday! But he is an  N. What would have happened? At least, in front of my daughter, I would have stood up for myself and her and the children and not just leave, drive away, to have her watch my car go to never return and she is abandoned by me again, to be left with the N.

At the same time, I have abandoned 2 of my grandchildren. Grandma was so important in their lives. The boy says “Gram! I love you more than the whole wide world ………………………………… and M___ ___more than Cheerios!”

One day he heaved a heavy sigh and I asked what was the matter.

He said, “Gram! One day you are going to die and I am going to be so sad”.  I had a talk with him about death.

The N is the elephant in the living room, amongst other things.

Yes, My therapist is a gem, so far, a caring, understanding person

I also have abandonment issues because the daughter I loved, changed and left me for an asshole and couldn’t finish University, until she finally was sick of him and left to strike out on her own, much like her mother, a strong person, but we have yet to communicate on some very serious issues.

I will allow my Therapist to guide me
Love
Izzy

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: gratitude28 on April 10, 2007, 10:06:15 PM

IZZZY,
It is so nice to hear you moving along!!!! I just think your therapist sounds wonderful.
I thought it was very interesting of her to remark on your wheels being like your legs. Did it feel different to you (more relaxing) to sit in her chair? I am very curious about that with her. Very cool. I never would have thought of it.
Love, Beth

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: isittoolate on April 10, 2007, 11:29:57 PM

hi Beth
Without thinking on the topic, I must have been awaiting permission to use the sofa chair. I switch at home and my w'chair sits beside me--like don't take my legs away! She took the chair further away but I wasn't bothered, as I knew she was not up to anything evil!.Then I told her a couple of stories when the chair got away from me, in the wind, rolling down the street and I stand helplesssly hanging onto my car. Help always came and it was really laughable.

I know we both have abandonment issues, but I required the peace and quiet with THIS therapist to tell my story in the order I wanted and then she could see it in perspective.

Hi CB
You're right It just is!

And Therapist also pointed out that daughter leaving me to go to University, but first the summer job, when she met N, would be "I'm abandoning Mom"--after all she cut the grass, cleaned the windows, (while I did the flower beds and cleaned the garage and car) took out the garbage and other chores, but those were part of her 'around the house chores', and Winter was awful---in Ontario.

I am now in BC and winter might last 3 awful days for me, not 6 months.

I just thought of it now--she abandoned me for an assh*le that I didn't like and had asked her not to marry.  I didn't make my point well enough, but her words were now his!

Cheers both
Lovve Izzy

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: isittoolate on April 11, 2007, 12:43:29 AM

Hi

So many things to think about.

This gal is so on the spot! She is really getting the picture!!

Re the accident, she said, "And you went through that alone. No one (knowing my family) to come and say "How are you? Really how are you progressing? What do they have you doing? How often do you see your daughter? ..................?................?

--and tonight I realized I went through that whole thing alone, in spite of all the visitors but no one was mentioning anything about me and my future etc., just to uncomfortable I guess!

She has great insight!

Izzy

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: axa on April 11, 2007, 03:00:51 AM

Izzy,

You are doing great work........ so glad you are giving yourself the time and care to attend your T.  Keep rollin

axa

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: gratitude28 on April 11, 2007, 08:23:41 AM

Iz,
Why didn't anyone bring your daughter to see you in the hospital? There never would have been the issue of abandonment had you had regular contact. That is terrible. You needed each other I am sure.
Part of reconciling the past is realizing what you need to own, and what others should have done.
((((((((((((Izzzzz))))))))))))))))))))
BTW, if you do cry, you will stop sometime... or you'll get hiccups or something... But I bet you REALLY need to :)
Love, Beth

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: James73 on April 11, 2007, 08:48:17 AM

Hey Izzy, thats great your doing so well with your therapist she sounds like she's got the finger on the pulse which is great news!  :D
Bring on the peacefulness!!  :D
James

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: isittoolate on April 11, 2007, 06:55:58 PM

I just remembered that I signed an Agreement with my Therapist that anything that goes on in that room, STAYS in that room.

I will have to find a different way of reporting any changes.

Izzy

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: Gaining Strength on April 11, 2007, 07:03:40 PM

Izzy - that is somewhat of an odd agreement to make with a therapist.  Over the years I have seen many therapists and have never signed such an agreement.  I have often found it helpful to talk about my therapist or therapy sessions with a confidant and would have felt confined by such an agreement.  I do however expect my therapist to keep my confidences.  I don't mind our sessions being discussed without identifying me as the client but otherwise I would view it unprofessional  but that is not what you signed. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that requiring you to sign such an agreement doesn't seem reasonable to me.  How does it make you feel?  That is all that matter. - GS

Title: Re: %th Therapy--away we go!!!!!!
Post by: isittoolate on April 11, 2007, 08:51:11 PM

Maybe she is so good that she doesn't want her insights to be copied??????????????????????????

I feel okay with it. I just won't do "quotes"

love
Izzy

NO

That was NOT in the agreement. I jusr re-read it. That was in a spoken agreement.
Iz