Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on April 12, 2007, 08:07:19 AM
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I have been up and down. At night when I lie down I try to imagine what it feels like to feel loved. I think this could be very healing to be able to imagine what it would be like. I am actually having a hard time doing that.
I suddenly realized last night that I have moved out of my "positive" mindset. I want to return to that. So I am starting a thread to help me focus.
The absense of love is fear and I feel plenty of fear.
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This might be really stupid questions but...Don't you have any dear friends who love you? What about a church? Do you really not have anyone who loves you or do you just not see it? I can't fathom not having anybody that truly loves me and cares about me. How does it get to this?
We all love you from this board! We hear your voice and understand(except for the above..and that would probably just be me). We are all your dear friends. Wouldn't it be great to all meet at the local coffee shop to chat! This type of communication frustrates me sometimes. Now, if you lived close to me, I'd invite you over to chat. How about coming camping with me? Wouldn't it me fun! How can you say you don't know what it is like to be loved! There is a God in heaven who created your inmost being and loves you! He is just building character in you right now :D
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Hi, Gaining Strength,
I saw your reply on my post on reconciling beliefs, and I'll comment at a later time. Is it possible that you're having a hard time imagining what it would be like to really love yourself? That concept seems conceited, full of hubris, sacrilegious, New-Agey, like so much psychobabble- pick your name for the poison. I swallow whatever draught seems to fit best with what failing I might have that I choose to beat myself up with.
Sheesh- did I even make any sense? I hope I'm not too far off base from what you might be trying to say.
Cat
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Camper - Wouldn't it be great to all meet at the local coffee shop to chat! Now, if you lived close to me, I'd invite you over to chat. How about coming camping with me? Now that sounds like fun. I would love to get together and chat and I'm a great chatter. But I'll give a brief explanation about what I'm talking about here.
I grew up with pseudo love. "I love you" was said regularly but there was no there there. My father is truly an N, not capable of empathy towards anyone else. He is driven by rules and formalities. He loved because you are suppose to love. But that is not love - love is compassion and support and encouragement. My mother is not mean but she has been diagnosed with N traits. She simply does not have empathy - sort of more in a clueless way. She has real emotions for herself but not empathy. She can see her own circumstances but not anyone else's. My father cannot even see his own circumstances.
My late husband was far too wounded to love. I figured that out way too late. After his death I recognized his behavior as very much in line with BPD. If I needed something he felt threatened. In fact, my experience has been that when I am in the greatest need the people closest to me feel threatened.
As a young adult my life began to derail and I had no idea what was going on. I was angry and bitter. I soon found myself all alone with a small grouop of friends who were very decent people. A year after my husband died I went through a very, very difficult time emotionally and one friend in the group abandoned me and convinced all the others to let go as well. Then I really hit low. 4 or 5 years later I am crawling back. I have just begun to generate loose relationships that could become friendships.
But honestly, I have never really experienced the sensation of being loved just to be loved, where the next mistake will not be held over my head. That is what the fear is - fear of ridicule from those closest, fear of abandonment when the need is so great. It is a difficult place to come back from. I am doing it but of course it has its ups and downs. I am so thankful that I have this place to come and lay out my lows and not have the fear of having it help over my head, of having it brought up to me in a vicious, demeaning way later. That is what I have experienced from those who "love" me in the past.
Cats paw, I think we learn to love as we are loved. It is very difficult to learn to love myself ex nihlo. I of course work towards that goal. That is exactly what I am working on at night as I try to imagine what it feels like to be loved and encouraged. I do not have a goal of beating myself up but the opposite, to learn to nurture myself. That is my goal.
Camper and Cats Paw - Thanks for your questions and concern. - GS
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GS,
I'm going to pose a personal view here on this "being loved" topic.
If a person believes that "love" means he/she will not be corrected or that a mistake won't be confronted, that is not love either. Love is a thing of balance.
I love and care about the person I mentor, but she would tell you, I AM TOUGH on her. I do not let her continue to live in patterns that have kept her hindered in her life. That sometimes means correcting her grammar or questioning something she is thinking about doing. As a result of this accountability, she has grown a LOT!
Part of love means to expect the people around you to grow in maturity. This means that they need to start letting go of their defenses, walls, excuses, etc. It takes a lot of patience for a mentor to walk through this with a person, but honestly, it is something that is life-changing for both people.
Love also means having those times of talking on the phone, laughing, getting together for Chinese Food, going on picnics, crying on shoulders, and some of the more "romanticized" expressions of the word.
It is such a wonderful thing to love and be loved, when it's the REAL thing in BALANCE.
~Laura
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I also was not taught about love by my parents. I do have a natural capacity for it though. When I had my first son, I made the mistake of thinking that I would show love by "raising" him, "molding" him, helping him to become who he would be as I saw him.
It took awhile but now I see that part of loving my children and really anyone, is learn that they are already formed and complete and through the bond of love, you will be discovering this person, discovering your relationship, and discovering yourself along the way. It has to do with respect of the other person and approaching them where they are at from where you are at. Ideally, each person will be safe to be themselves in such a relationship.
I have come to this approach through a lot of reading, studying, and observing. I still have a ways to go.
Pennyplant
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That is so beautifully put Pennyplant.
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Hello, Gaining Strength-
I didn't have it as a goal to beat up on myself, either, but at one time I thought that's what price I had to pay for not being what my parents would have wanted. I thought I was trying to help myself be better, to continue what my parents started.
I did have love from my grandparents, what seemed then, and still seems now, as the kind of love that saved me.
GS, I just hope I didn't cause you any further pain in my clumsy attempt to explain my difficulty with the phrase "You've got to love yourself". I appreciate your explaining your thoughts a bit further. So as I read what you first wrote, along with your second post, I think I see that DOH, I must have been overstating the obvious with my question.
I took it as you imagining being loved by someone else, and I do think it could be very healing. Is it similar to those who talk about learning to "reparent"yourself as an adult?
In any case, thank you for your graciousness in the face of my sincere, but clumsy attempt at expression after being moved by reading your opening post.
cats paw
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Cats paw - I didn't find your post clumsy in any fashion. In this strange world of Nism I think nothing can be too obvious. -GS
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Hey G S I have had my share of ups and downs lately too. I have been sick and tired and angry and, well you know. So tonight my h drug me to a Peter Frampton Concert. I had so much fun. I had goose bumps as it made me go back in time to a much happier place. Go do something that reminds you of a happier time. Get an Ipod And download all your favorite old tunes! Thinking of ya and praying for soon.
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I always get something from your posts CB and this time it was a lifeline when I didn't even know I needed a lifeline.
Last night I had a lengthy and very clear dream. There was planning and a journey and getting ready for transition. Part of what was in it was my late husband and his adult disfunctional son. I was working on a budget and he was out of town. His son was being slothful - spending money, not helpiing, not working. I didn't know where my husband was, nor when he was coming back. I couldn't decide whether to call or not. When I did there was a fight over calling - why it had taken so long, who had called and on and on, before the subject of spending could even be broached. I calmly avoided the fight and saw that it was a defensive step to avoid the discussion of his son's slothfulness. It was a terrible place to be. When I awoke I realized that I have been in that place my entire life. I saw how this dream grew out of an experience I had yesterday - it had to do with trying my whole life to make silk out of a sow's ear while living in a silk world but only having sow's ear resources. There is not fit for such a life.
CB, I see how I am making progress and am thankful. I am also thankful to have your encouragement and I am especially thankful that I can lay down my burdens here because that is what I have never had - a place to lay them down and have someone say to me that it will be alright. It really does help make it allright. I have lived in such craziness and still do. I think I have a chance to make it out of this but I have to work hard at it and I don't have access to the same drive that I once did. I am definitely more fragile than I used to be.
I am so thankful for your comments CB. I really can't say it enough. This kind of encouragement really does help spur me forward because I believe there is something for me. - thanks with all my heart - GS
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If I needed something he felt threatned.
Boy do i know this one. I remember saying to him that all I had to say was "I want..." and it enraged him. I think because he felt he was the great giver(WHAT) my asking for anything shattered his image of himself. He would give when HE DECIDED it was appropriate and also what HE WANTED. To say I need or I want to an N shatters their perfect image of themselves. It is all so dammed sad.
About needing and wanting now I have come to realise that only I can give myself what I need really. I struggle with this because it does not come easy. The comment on all of us being alone I believe is so true. We spend our lives being busy and staying away from that aloneness and many people manage to not face it but it is a fact.
The more I understand that I am alone the less I look to others to care for me. Also the less expectations I have, so when something good or nice happens that is wonderful and if it does not its ok also. I try and stay with this truth because I believe it will keep me safe dealing with this reality.
I have received much support from this board, as have many. I feel heard on this board whereas in my REAL life I rarely do but at the end of the day I turn off my computer and am alone. what I have learned from this is that alone is ok. It is not the most exciting place but it is ok and it is safe. When I venture out into the world I do so with this awareness and in truth events do not have the same impact on me. I connect with people without expectation so there is so little disappointment.
A consequence of this is that there is less highs and less lows and for someone who i believe was addicted in some way to the drama this creates a struggle but I am staying with it.
Today I felt sad, I know it is my sadness and I considered how I could acknowledge it and move from it. So I bought some seeds and will plant them this afternoon because that always makes me feel good. I am taking responsiblity for my sadness and not waiting for someone to come along and disguise it for me.
Rambilng a bit...
axa
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Camper - Wouldn't it be great to all meet at the local coffee shop to chat! Now, if you lived close to me, I'd invite you over to chat. How about coming camping with me? Now that sounds like fun. I would love to get together and chat and I'm a great chatter. But I'll give a brief explanation about what I'm talking about here.
I grew up with pseudo love. "I love you" was said regularly but there was no there there. My father is truly an N, not capable of empathy towards anyone else. He is driven by rules and formalities. He loved because you are suppose to love. But that is not love - love is compassion and support and encouragement. My mother is not mean but she has been diagnosed with N traits. She simply does not have empathy - sort of more in a clueless way. She has real emotions for herself but not empathy. She can see her own circumstances but not anyone else's. My father cannot even see his own circumstances.
My late husband was far too wounded to love. I figured that out way too late. After his death I recognized his behavior as very much in line with BPD. If I needed something he felt threatened. In fact, my experience has been that when I am in the greatest need the people closest to me feel threatened.
As a young adult my life began to derail and I had no idea what was going on. I was angry and bitter. I soon found myself all alone with a small grouop of friends who were very decent people. A year after my husband died I went through a very, very difficult time emotionally and one friend in the group abandoned me and convinced all the others to let go as well. Then I really hit low. 4 or 5 years later I am crawling back. I have just begun to generate loose relationships that could become friendships.
But honestly, I have never really experienced the sensation of being loved just to be loved, where the next mistake will not be held over my head. That is what the fear is - fear of ridicule from those closest, fear of abandonment when the need is so great. It is a difficult place to come back from. I am doing it but of course it has its ups and downs. I am so thankful that I have this place to come and lay out my lows and not have the fear of having it help over my head, of having it brought up to me in a vicious, demeaning way later. That is what I have experienced from those who "love" me in the past.
Cats paw, I think we learn to love as we are loved. It is very difficult to learn to love myself ex nihlo. I of course work towards that goal. That is exactly what I am working on at night as I try to imagine what it feels like to be loved and encouraged. I do not have a goal of beating myself up but the opposite, to learn to nurture myself. That is my goal.
Camper and Cats Paw - Thanks for your questions and concern. - GS
Your post reminds me of what a good friend told me years ago.... that we all need SOMEBODY who knows everything about us, good bad and awful.... and still loves and accepts us. We need to feel understood..... even if we aren't always validated or agreed with..... and still be OK as we are.
You are missing that person in your life. I should think that you'd find a few here that would be able to connect with you and understand you well enough that you could feel safe and embraced.... not fear being abandoned? While continueing to work on cultivating that kind of relationship in your area, as well?
Keep in mind..... one of the very best things about friendship is...... being able to hear someone's honest truth. That's a gift if it's coming from a place without judgement or ulterior motives, isn't it? You have lot's of opportunities to be heard and understood here, at the very least. I feel so much support and warmth here.
I've been posting on a parenting debate board for 6 years and...... I have very close friends. I depend on them in ways that I can honestly describe as enduring relationships I rely on. This board offers that to us, as well.... dont'cha think? Margo
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Boy Axa - you really describe so perfectly my experience of an N. It is actually unbelievable that a person can really be that way.
To say I need or I want to an N shatters their perfect image of themselves. How bizarre is that. My first husband told me in front of a therapist that he wouldn't do things for me if I asked. Hello!
I marvel at the clarity you have developed. What singularity! What clarity! I so admire your abilty to see straight through to the aloneness of it all and be comfortable with it.
Margo - that we all need SOMEBODY who knows everything about us, good bad and awful.... and still loves and accepts us.
Amen sister, Amen. I definitely get some of that here, Alleluia.
you've piqued my curiousity - what kind of things to you discuss on the parenting debate board. It sounds so interesting. - GS
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GS
"Just because I know what you want does not mean I wil give it to you" quote XN.
It was a constant game of withholding. I recognised a pattern early on with XN. I would say I want something, he would get angry, I would get upset and withdraw and then he would give me what I wanted. The roles became clear to me. I was the sad bewildered child who was needy and he was the knight in shining armour who rescued me. It made him feel great. After a while I would not go into my sad needy place and he was left with no one to give him the high of being the rescuerer.........then the sh.t really hit the fan. I stopped playing by his rules. The games could not continue.
Alone is the best place I have been for a long time GS. I was terrified of it, thought it would be terrible and that is what kept me in with XN for longer than I should. The advantage of staying so long for me was that I knew there could be no place worse than with him. The lonliness of the relationship was destroying me. My friends and family had backed off because they had made their feelings clear about him and so I had no where to go with my difficulties about him. If I would tell anyone about him their response was "But he is mad". This made me look at what I was doing with a madman.
Each day I acknowledge my gratitude to myself that I had the strength to leave. He is being drowned in supply right now and that is what he wants. I dont suppose he hardly remembers my name. Guess I am one of the lucky ones here that I dont have any reason for contact with him.
axa
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But he was very magnanimous when it was his idea. So, I received a lot of nice things that I didnt want or use, but had to scrape around trying to figure out how to get something that was a necessity. I remember having to use a stroller with only 3 wheels because he thought that replacing it was a luxury. But he bought a big entertainment center "for the family".
This is very poiignant for me to read. It so clearly describes men in my life. I see how I have lived into this strolling with three wheels while the family luxuriates with a big entertainment center. What I need doesn't matter. Not enough for a reasonable request but more than enough for luxury. It is so crazymaking that I am just as confused as though I were living it now.
So glad to know that others understand. So sorry others have lived it too. - GS
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Here's another good point to help anyone still stuck living with an N or with one in your intimate lives:
A narcissist usually TELLS ON THEMSELVES if you listen close enough.
As far as not being able to tell them what you need or want, my husband once told me "Don't you SEE? Are you that DENSE? The more you ASK me for a baby, the less likely I will be to give you one and the longer it will take!"
I only remember standing there in disbelief when he spoke that.
~Laura
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I also was not taught about love by my parents. I do have a natural capacity for it though. When I had my first son, I made the mistake of thinking that I would show love by "raising" him, "molding" him, helping him to become who he would be as I saw him.
It took awhile but now I see that part of loving my children and really anyone, is learn that they are already formed and complete and through the bond of love, you will be discovering this person, discovering your relationship, and discovering yourself along the way. It has to do with respect of the other person and approaching them where they are at from where you are at. Ideally, each person will be safe to be themselves in such a relationship.
I have come to this approach through a lot of reading, studying, and observing. I still have a ways to go.
Pennyplant
As someone else said...beautifully put! This is one place that I have a hard time with my H. He has an ulterior motive for everyone he meets. He immediately has to find out what a person does and how he can gain from them. Or, he figures out how he can help them. I have posed the question to him, "do you ever want to be friends with someone just for the sake of being friends". He didn't get it...he claims he does that with all his friends. Most of the people he meets are "professionals" that have something for him, or they are unbelievers who need to be saved and he is going to save them(as opposed to Jesus). He has brought many people into our church and then they are his tropheys. Everybody knows that my H brought them into the church...he makes it known!
Laura, I can understand if you are surrounded by these type of people, It must be really hard. I am a stay-at-home mom so I usually don't have much to offer people like my H. We donate to many causes and I like to give annonomously so as to not get credit and people don't befriend me to get more...my H has to let others know he gave and he gets extremely angry if they don't thank him. I had to explain the whole concept of giving because you want to and the concept of not expecting anything back..it is what giving is all about. He is working on that concept and getting better. I only bring this up as the only reason people might use me. I quit donating when I start feeling used.
I hope you can find friends who love you for who you are! I have a few of these and they are invaluable.
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Seesaw down today. I am thinking about going back on antidepressants. There is a low grade irritability surrounding me. In the past week I have gone to bed twice during the day. Just irritible and very frustrated and on the verge of a hopelessness. I am ready to pull through it. I want to move on. For a while I could set up my desires for the day and accomplish them but I am lapsing a bit. I really bellieve that I need to exercise and yet haven't been. I want to get throught this place of enormous frustration. I wish I could put my finger on it and extricate it.
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Hi GS, it is very important and very useful that you can see exactly what is happening with you and your emotions. It doesn't feel GOOD, and it's frustrating too, but it is there and you are seeing it. I tend to think this makes it possible for you to manage it and do something about it. If going back on anti-depressants is the thing you do about, then go for it! Grab it! Just another one of your tools which may even enhance the other tools in your "box".
Pennyplant
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Thanks Pennyplant and CB - I went to see my T this morning. I had very specific issues to talk about. About half-way through I said that although I had made tremendous progress last summer and fall I don't seem to have made any progress in the past 4 months. But he disagreed and I now see that I am doing better than it feels.
I started at such a very low place and had so very far to go that steady progress can feel like none.
I think some of the mood swings suggest things are getting stirred up within and creating something of a jumble. Though it is unpleasant I see that it is a sign of progress in its own way. I am dealing with harsh, painful things from my early childhood and I suspect my subconscious and unconscious are sorting some of it out.
It helps to come here and post. Part of the reason is that I've not had a safe place to share my ups and downs before. They are things that, when I am stronger, won't need to be expressed. I'll be able to see them as gentle waves rather than fear them as battering storms.
I see that I am making progess but I also see that in that process I am reexperiencing the pain and helplessness and hopelessness that was my life experience. But now I get to change it. I am finding a way to recognize that I do have a power to change it. Thanks for pushing and prodding me. Thanks for responding. That's a special gift of this community is to be heard and be cared about. I am so thankful. - GS
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I am reexperiencing the pain and helplessness and hopelessness that was my life experience.
Hi GS...
I think the most important word in this sentence, that jumped out at me, is was.
Do you feel as though your re-experiencing the old pain and hopelessness is valuable?
I know in therapy we have to feel the pain to move through it.
What's hard, or has been for me anyway at times, is to realize when we're just recycling it.
Over and over and over...past the point when we can take new insights.
This is your life...now. Now was. Hard as it is, it's not free of hope.
And it's you. Now. Breathing now. Thinking now. Possible now. Acting now. Choosing now.
I've heard hope in your voice here. I've heard determination. I've heard resolve.
I've heard courage.
Most of all, I've heard effort.
That is not ever wasted and it's alive. It's present.
love
Hops
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Yes Hops - that is absolutely it - reexperiencing in order to go through. I am definitely determined.
This morning I recognized a pattern. For years I have had wretched dreams of rejection, shame, abandonment and voicelessness. But for a couple of months those dreams are gone, replaced by one with themes of inclusion, strategizing, and inclusion but still when I wake up I am in pain. This morning I began to think that it is a very old pattern of fear established in my childhood. I am going to try to break this pattern. I think it will be instrumental in stopping the seesaw.
Thank you so much for probing. - Gaining Strength
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Thanks, GS.
Have you done any sensory awareness work?
Present mindfulness work? Meditation?
If you've discussed these before, forgive me if I forgot.
Also, have you read Pema Chodron's work?
In particular, I think of When Things Fall Apart, for you.
Oddly, to me, the book has the opposite effect to its title...
Hops
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Meditation Hops. I am completely unfamiliar with the book and author but will look into it.
This week I have learned about a brand new technique for improving meditation and helping with dissonanant emotional issues. I haven't researched them but plan to. The technique uses sound. One is called Holosync at www.centerpointe.com and the other is BAUD and is provided by DR. Phil's good friend.
But significantly for me - I am on the verge of breaking through a significant block that has to do with my father. Yesterday afternoon my mother called me to say that my father was looking for me. (He didn't call me because he told her that he can't get me.) He certainly can't get me if he doesn't call. I went to a book club last night and my father called my mother over and over and threatened her. He demanded to know where I was because he needed me. He wanted to go and get me. My mother called my cell phone to tell me that but I didn't answer. He told my mother that he was going over to her house to wait for me to come and get my son. He didn't do it. He told her he would call me early this morning - he did and aske me to meet him tomorrow at 10am.
It is a craziness that is consuming. But last night I got a crack in the stuff that has swallowed my whole since childhood. I pray deeply and passionately that this crack will be come a fizzure. It has to do with being demand of that which I did not possess, of being pushed out of the nest without being taught to fly and being cursed because I had not accomplished the flying. That is a double bind of which I long ago posted. And I have succombed to that bind because in this world we are expected to be able to do certain things - like fly. I am in the midst of a painful but I am certain profitable process. It is lonely and frightening but I believe it will be very healing.
I am not familiar with sensory awareness but I think I will look into it. I have been tuning into where in my body my wounds are stored I suspect sensory awareness could be a good addition. Thanks Hops for asking. I am in a place where probing could help release the darkness so long suppressed. - Gaining Strength
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A while ago, someone, I think on this group, posted about a meditation technique their therapist was using with them. There was a link to an online website about it too. Just curious if anyone's T is using a certain technique with them...it has some letters...like Gpm or Dbt or something like that.
~L
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GS
This is a hard time for you. I am also familiar with the see saw but mine is getting more in balance. Feeling the loss and the pain seems to me to be part of the process. I have gotten to the stage whereby I am hungry for my life and luck enough to have been able to feel gratitude that XN is gone out of my life. I believe that the years and years of therapy, feeling the pain and loss, are what was instrumental in me getting here.
I have learned doing something physical, whether I feel like it or not changes something in me for the good and I MAKE myself do this on a daily basis. I look back at my life and the time I spent mourning Ns and realise that it was myself I was mourning. THe loss of my childhood, the loss of not feeling loved in relationships. My goal is to love me. To look at what has gone wrong and what I can learn from it. To own my own pain. I have come to the belief that my feelings are my feelings and only I can protect them. This has been a hard road for me but I am NOT going back there. Sometimes I feel adult and able and other times I feel like a four year old who wants to be rescued and cared for.
I think it is important to grieve for all the little children we were who were neglected and used and hold their hands through this painful journey.
axa
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I think it is important to grieve for all the little children we were who were neglected and used and hold their hands through this painful journey.
I think this is such a lovely sentiment Axa. It feels so soothing to hear such kind words to all of the suffering children. We think of that as such a time of innocense and so easily overlook how extraordinarily painful a time it can be as well. - gs
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NLP = neurolinguistic programming, I think
Pema Chodron (don't worry about theology. That's just language. Her THINKING can change you.)
xxoo
Hops
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Hops,
Reading Pema's book at the moment.......enlightening
axa
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CB you cannot do to your children what was done to me for this reason: You are there for them. As they struggle and run up against barriers and unknowns you are there to comfort and encourage them. When I ran into barriers and unknowns if I turned to my parents they would have belittled me or put up a road block. Your children will struggle as all do but they will find their way because they have someone who truly loves them. There is simply no limit to the enabling that your love will provide them.
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Hear, hear.
CB, I can't stand it. For you to criticize yourself as a mother when it's patently obvious to me that you are an engaged, sane, mature, sacrificing-without-martyrdom and loving mother who is deeply present to her children.
I'm in awe of your mothering. Too late for me to do such a job but if I am ever graced with grandchildren, I hope I'm halfway as good at the "extra round" as you have been in your first.
N and all, long time and all, everything and all, I mean that.
love
Hops
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Thank you, Hops--you are so good to say that.
:
CB
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CB,
You have already prepared them. While they are flying they will take dips everynow and then. All you have to do is be there while they are flying. Just watch and when they are not sure which direction to go, trust me, they will fly back to the nest for advice or comfort or a visit just because they miss you.
I get phone calls at 2am in the morning they are worried about their dog who ate a bee and what should they do?
And I get up and tell them what to do. If they need the vet I ask if they would like me to go with them which they say no but I think they want to hear me say I would. They are flying alright, sometimes a little shaky but they do OK.
CB, this is the hardest thing I probably ever had to do was watch my kids fly alone. They will let you know when they need support.
Sometimes I take a picture of me with my cell with a funny face and send it to them. I just say Hey!
Just letting them know I'm there. That's about all you can do. Just be there.
Love
Deb
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CB,
I read your post just now CB. You taught them well CB. They have become city kids now and they will learn, they will be scared but I swear they will learn.
CB
I'm originally from NYC, so I cross in the middle of the streets, I dodge traffic, I don't flick an eye to the people in the streets who are singing *oh I love my toilet bowl* swinging around parking meters ,because I was use to it. Just a normal day in the city to me.
My kids were country bumpkins and when I took them to NY with me I looked at them forgetting that they are not natives of living there. They looked like Japanese tourist looking up at the buildings. Terrified to cross the street, screaming running, struck me funny.
They go there themselves now and are very comfortable with it. All they had to do was get use to it. Now they love it and wished we still lived there.
They will be fine CB just takes a little time getting your feet wet and very scary at first.
Sometimes we are more afraid for them then they are for themselves.
It's a whole new world for all of you CB of course you worry but it will be fine.
Love
Deb
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CB,
No CB I do not think that is silly. They are disgusting and tried to intimidate your son. Pigs.
Ignore, Ignore and keep walking.
First tip, In the city, if you notice, people do not look friendly. We are stone faced and always in a hurry. Sometimes we look mad I guess you would say.
Walk fast, always be alert to your surrounding and try to show no expression. Have eyes in the back of your head.
You'll learn street smarts!!
Love
Deb
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BRAVOSKUDOS to you and your jaywalkers too.
I hear how hard it is to look back and think, oh I should've...
Still, I truly believe that they will carry things from their isolated lives (in the country, in nature...in touch with that, which so many many kids are not...and which costs young burbians more than we know)...that are ALSO GOOD.
Even in spite of their father. He is not going to own their lives.
Even their childhoods.
They will come the place where they also look back at their own young selves, and any part that was unfairly lost, they will work to take it back, just as we all do.
Argue 'til you're blue in the face but I insist you are a GOOD mother.
(Did i say perfect? No I did not.)
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((CB and little hams))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hops
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You got your job!!! How miraculous is that? You haven't worked in many years and a job walked right up to you!!! I'm wonderin if you have any idea how unheard of that is - it really is nothing short of miraculous. I am happy for you. I pray you have a sense of what an extraordinary blessing this is.
I do understand that your children have been sheltered and that you have been isolated but you and they have what really matters - you have each other and you have love. It's living without love - surrounded by criticism and family that truly derives pleasure in mocking your failures that makes it impossible to learn to fly. It is the love among you all that will prevent anyone from being pushed without wings.
I keep trying to say the same thing in different ways but I am simply being repetitive but I bet you do see what I am saying. I know you are afraid and feel inadequate but you are not and as a family unit there is nothing lacking except knowledge and experience but they are nothing that can't be won. Your foundation is solid. Your love is so strong and your ability to summon strength is greater than it feels. As tired and depleted as you are your love and your family strength will carry you forward and you will all be triumphant. And my life is made richer by having known you and having read your journey. Your journey gives me hope, hope out of nothing. If you can do it, I can do it. And you can do it.
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Hey! Send some job vibes this way!
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I pray you have a sense of what an extraordinary blessing this is.
Oh, yes! I really do! I still am pinching myself.
Thanks for your encouragement, GS. I am walking out this journey one step at a time. I know that I know that you will, too.
Much love,
CB