Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: axa on April 13, 2007, 11:08:32 AM
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I am back studing my book on awareness and read the following which I would like to post and hear what people think.
"The only reason you are not happy at this present moment is because you are focused on what you have but are thinking and focused on what you dont have"
For me there is a lot of truth in this statement
Will come back to this
axa
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Can I rephrase that made an error in my typing
The only reason you are not happy at this present moment is because you are thinking or focused on what you do NOT have.
Whenever I feel down it is because I want something other than what I have. When I become aware what I have is fine. The more I stay in the present moment the more satisfied I feel with my life. Does this make sense to people. I know that The power of now has been referred to in another post and I also find that useful. Awareness by Anthony de mello for me has been a very challenging book but full of truths. The more I apply it to my life the more joyful I feel.
I would be very interested in discussing this with anyone who is interested.
Thanks
axa
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Can I rephrase that made an error in my typing
The only reason you are not happy at this present moment is because you are thinking or focused on what you do NOT have.
Whenever I feel down it is because I want something other than what I have. When I become aware what I have is fine. The more I stay in the present moment the more satisfied I feel with my life. Does this make sense to people. I know that The power of now has been referred to in another post and I also find that useful. Awareness by Anthony de mello for me has been a very challenging book but full of truths. The more I apply it to my life the more joyful I feel.
I would be very interested in discussing this with anyone who is interested.
Thanks
axa
I think that's one more way of looking at living in the future or the past.... as opposed to IN the present moment.
If I'm living right here in this moment...... for instance..... I'm thinking about how yummy and cool and satisfying low fat plain yogurt is on toasty taco shells filled with zesty chicken and lots of chopped fresh baby spinach!
If I'm concentrating on my upcoming Temporary Hearing Tues..... then I'm not enjoying my taco's now am I? I can't worry enough about Tues to assure myself things will go well. What I can do with that worry....... is...... completely muck up 3 really nice tacos: /
What I have is enough. If I concentrate on that..... if I live in the moment and really SEE my children... listen to and engage them...... I have found happiness in the moment. Making that a habit is the trick. Margo
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I am back studing my book on awareness and read the following which I would like to post and hear what people think.
"The only reason you are not happy at this present moment is because you are focused on what you have but are thinking and focused on what you dont have"
For me there is a lot of truth in this statement
Will come back to this
axa
well it makes sense to me, I know I am happiest when I am able to appreciate everything I have.... "contentment" is a wonderful thing ........ I love it!. but it is something i have then lose it , then get it back then lose it
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Hey Axa, I definately agree with that statement, I finally today stopped my mind racing today and just sat and enjoyed the fine weather with my mind blank just appreciating life, trees and the moment, I cant remember when I was so contented as that moment. Sounds like a good book!!
James
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I have everything I "need", except clean blinds and a carpet shampoo.
Still time for that in this Springtime. That is not enough to take me away to another thought.
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James,
Glad to hear that you are enjoying your present moment
axa
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Hey Axa, may I ask how youve applied this book to your life and the truths that are within it as it sounds very rewarding?
James
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I just typed a response to something you wrote on another thread Axa and it disappeared into the ether...so with perfect synchronicity the exact topic is here and even the phrase I ended with:
focused on what you dont have
The thing I thought I needed- a relationship- I turned out to already have lots of and the one I envisaged turned out to be more N-stuff.
My therapy is taking an interesting turn Axa into focussing on why what I do have doesn't always satisfy.
In particular I am having some very strong memories which I can't know whether they are real memories or not of being sexually assaulted by my maternal grandfather as a very young child, three or so.
It's something I referred to a few times in my childhood and tried to rememebr then but my family were really mad at me and we weren't made welcome at those grandparents; I distinctly rememebr the weird dynamics and the feeling of distortion and my mother's drinking worsened by the time I was six or seven after my brother's birth she was an alcoholic.
This came up in therapy because I was askign my T out loud why the heck I am attracted to Ns when the nice guys pay me attention and I love them but no sexual attraction...
After that it's been coming up in dreams and daydreams all week.
I don't think it's a repressed memory- I always remember trying to find out or 'rememebr' the actual incident, which involved my younger sister too.
Maybe he hit us or something and it wasn't overtly sexual...I do remember we were never left with him again and relationships worsened with that side of the family.
They were all drinkers and very lewd with alcohol.
But he LOOKED totally N, you know that Jack Nicholson look, intense eyes, bit cruel, smiling but not with his eyes....
My ex looks a bit like him.
Interestingly this grandfather also divined my love of music- I remember him giving me a set of classical tapes age about 5 or so which I listened to until I wore them out years later.
He always thought he was more intelligent and sophisticated than the rest of the family. Which he wasn't but he was more knowledgeable and more confident.
He was extremely arrogant and I can remember the feeling right now as I type of the frisson of fear and excitement because he was different and he thought I was different and special and he was the only one who didn't laugh at my love for the music.
Wow, sorry for the thread hijack, Axa, I just couldn't wtop writing until I got all that down. I knew there was a train of thoughts all tied up in this.
I guess I'll never know the truth of it really but I do know that he was the first N-person in my life now, and somehow tied up with my first experiences and attachments.
I never attached to my own parents, my dad I did later in childhood and siblings, but my mother insisted on controlling how much we were picked up or handled so I in particular being the eldest was very isolated.
For years I would headbang on my pillow at night as a comfort habit and even in adulthood it would sometimes happen; not now though.
~W
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Too cool S&S ,
So good to see you back ...
The future is what we make it
and the now is all we got.
Eternal now......
Good books are a life saver too..
Have you written any new poems????
(((((((((S&S)))))))))))(((((((((((((((((axa)))))))))))))))))))))))
Love to you
moonlight
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Write,
The reference to J. Nicholson just jumped off the page to me. I used to tell Xn I hated his "dead eye" look. This look was always around when a particularlily nasty piece of abuse was on its way.
Your experience with your grandfather seems so strange. I do think our "attraction" to Ns is set down very early on. I can relate to the Alcololic mother and I had a sense of a child of always looking for something, not knowing what it was.... I now know the "something" I was looking for was love, yet I was programmed to look where there was no love.
I have come to the conclusion that when I feel the "buzz" with guys, rather than see it as attraction I now see it as some kind of warning. The guys I have been in relationships with all strike me as the same, smart, funny, cold, emotionally unavailable, they just had different names!!!!
Glad you are doing such powerful work with your T. It is a tough journey. Staying focused on now and what I have is making the journey easier and clearer for me.
James,
How I apply Awareness to my life is I am very conscious of my own feelings, rather than those of others. Any negative feelings I experience I now understand are not to do with reality but are in me. If they are in me then I need to look at what is beneath them and often it has to do with my desire for control..... wanting things to be the way I want them other than how they are. I guess it comes down to taking responsbility for my actions/feelings. Xn could not have abused me if I had not ignored my gut and walked. I stayed to rewrite history to control an uncontrollable situation. To make someone who had no ability to love love me. The distance I have from him now allows me see the truth about the situation and value what I have now: peace and real control over MY life.
axa
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Thanks axa for explaining that too me it makes a lot of sense, I find my main trouble at the moment is changing peoples perception of me and how they treat me, but mostly I find it hard to alter my responses to them which have been set in stone for some years. I realise now that even my good friends all have their selfish ways as I know I do too as I am far from perfect however the difference is all the people around me keep my selfishness in check however I don't keep their selfisness in check with regards to me and my needs and wants. I have reset my boundaries with my family who even though they love and care for me still have their own wants and needs which have overtime crept up and over me becuase I have let them. We've had a few ros about things and I feel a lot happier and theyve apologised about a few things, I was wrong once or twice and apologised afterwards as I realised my boundary setting had gone too far. I am now trying to reset my boundaries with my friends which is a little harder. There are some things I used to laugh at which I now find a little distasteful, I dont want to upset them so I wont be disapproving and judgemental and raise objection but I think I will just stay quite and not laugh and show them that I dont find what they are saying funny anymore, they may find this strange at my change in humour but hopefully they will just get used to the knew me, actually I think theyre going to have to accpet the new me as Im on a role now :P
THnaks again axa :) your words are very helpful to me in finding my peace and control
Hugs
James
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I used to tell Xn I hated his "dead eye" look. This look was always around when a particularlily nasty piece of abuse was on its way.
it's almost humour too...sometimes I am not sure my ex isn't going to make a joke at that point.
He and I just had words and patched it up.
His sister is takign advantage of him financially ( not for the first time )
It's probably my fault too- I told brother in law I was worried about him recently; now they want to come out funded by him.
Ex said 'well I offered' but I know her very well, she can do this very neatly and because of my experiences with my friend here I am more aware about it.
I had a sense of a child of always looking for something, not knowing what it was.... I now know the "something" I was looking for was love, yet I was programmed to look where there was no love.
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Absolutely. Sad isn't it to think of our helpless little selves wandering about trying for crumbs from cruel people.
I stayed to rewrite history to control an uncontrollable situation. To make someone who had no ability to love love me. The distance I have from him now allows me see the truth about the situation and value what I have now: peace and real control over MY life.
your writing makes so much clear to me, seeing things on the screen/page does have more impact somehow.
Thank you for all this, you have really helped me this week, others too it seems!
I realise now that even my good friends all have their selfish ways as I know I do too as I am far from perfect however the difference is all the people around me keep my selfishness in check however I don't keep their selfisness in check with regards to me and my needs and wants.
hope you get better at caring for you James.
And at detaching from the relationships which mean you can't.
Take care everyone, Love
~Write
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Hello friends. I have a CD of positive thinking that I try to listen everyday. It says that the reason one does not feel happy is because the person does not have the aproval of the most importatn person, one self. Lack of self esteem or low self esteem is the most common reason for unhappiness and is due to the lack of good thougts about one self. What we think about our selves is what becomes our self esteem. And if we do not aprove our selves we feel bad, and unhappy.
Well, that is what my CD says and I kind of agree with it. After losing 40 lb I feel great. But my real situation has not chnaged at all. Still work at the same school, still have the same spoiled, mischicous students, still live in the same place, etc, but i feel great to look at the mirror and see a skinny figure. Hope that helps.
Love,
Lupita
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Hi Bean,
It's not fashionable to say so but I absolutely think someone else can make you unhappy.
Then there comes a point when you've really recognized, faced the fact, that this person always--over time, and over and over, despite you telling them what hurts you--makes you unhappy.
And you stay.
Then you're making you unhappy.
love
Hops the Veteran of Making Myself Unhappy for Many Years
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What we think about our selves is what becomes our self esteem.
well put Lupita. So low self-esteem is having displaced/replaced this with someone else's description of us sort-of?
continue to share that line of thinking about your grandfather. I suspect there is a lot there.
hi Bean, welcome back ((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hope you and boyfriend settle down again soon, you've been through this before?
Yes, it's my breaking point of accepting this particular dysfunctional attraction I think- my grandfather was extremely ambivalent too, we were simultaneously worshipped and rejected in his presence and always competing with him for attention in the situation. He was the first person in my life who absolutely had to hold all the power or he sulked. But he was attractive to me on some level because he contained the key to who I would grow up to be, to escape that life. He was the first person who showed me you can create your own world outside of your current experiences, that because your culture is repressed or difficult you can go seek something outside of it.
My grandfather set the pattern for how I relate to men I think.
I was held accountable subconsciously for the family breakdown around him though...my questions and voicing things 'which should not be said' was always a problem, and even now like last nigth the same topic came up around ex's sister and all her years of taking money from us and others in the family.
I told ex 'let's talk about it like it is even if we don't intend to talk openly to them...'
I absolutely think someone else can make you unhappy.
oh yes.
Any relationship is some sort of commitment to another and whenever it displaces the commitment to ourselves that's unhappy.
Like hops says though...eventually it comes down to a choice.
But the interim if you get caught up in someone's ambivalence or acting out can be very painful.
I think that's why I am actively avoiding commitment rightnow.
My T says it's practical, whilst I rework my life!
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Hey Write thanks for your support and Im with you at the moment, no relationships for me until Im happy with me and secure in myself so Im right there with ya :)
Thanks Bean I hope they do, but as you say if they dont then theyre not real friends are they :| I hope you sort things out with your BF, whether its sort things out or get rid of him, i hope you get some peace and happiness. People can definitely make us unhappy, if they do we must pinpoint what makes us unhappy and solve it as unhappiness should not be a long term thing as its not good or healthy.
Hi Lupita nice to meet you :D your CD sounds great, think I might try one out! :P
Love to all
James
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Write, i think it's a huge realization you've articulated, about what your grandfather planted in you:
we were simultaneously worshipped and rejected in his presence and always competing with him for attention in the situation
I so totally believe you are a gardener and you will be able to remove this toxic invader in your psyche. Doesn't matter how long it's been there...it's contradictory to your happiness, so it's gotta go.
that's really a huge thing. Kudos to you.
love
Hops
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I so totally believe you are a gardener
thanks Hops, and I am going to be a real gardner soon too, to grow some green things just for the sake of watching things grow and setting down some roots, however tenuous in this infertile soil :)
MY grandfather and this pattern of attraction to Ns is the last piece of the puzzle, I finally don't hurt to think about all the stuff which happened probably because of his behaviour and the damaged relationships to follow.
All the alcohol and alcoholism in our family.....all the distorted thinking and skewed relationships.
It's wonderful now most of all that I can be home of an evening alone in my pretty little apartment and just 'be' with no pain or loneliness or even if there is, a few tears then do something constructive.
Now I have the emotional space to really be a writer....before I would get in too much of a state to be alone with myself too long.
I sense some big personal projects coming up, and I have already started composing for a friend's retirement.
The friend who was so insulting rememebr two or three years ago, said he could never be my friend.
Life comes full circle- if we let it.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Love to everyone, off to a Mediteranean buffet for lunch with one of my favourite friends. She has bipolar and we just can share that side of ourselves without worrying, it's so neat.
James, you have good friends here until you're ready for a more wordly expedition!
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Can others make you unhappy.
i know I have written about this before but for me it is where the problems occur. If I am with someone who I find offensive in a work situation. I make a choice to have as little to do with that person as possible. I cannot change them or their attitude but I will not collude with their rudeness etc. I have good boundaries in this area.
Show me a relationship and the same situation and I stay and stay and stay. I think that the person in the work situation does not make me unhappy. The red flags go up and I act on them. I see what is going on and I care for myself. I do the opposite in a relationship i crave to be the fixer, to rewrite history to prove that love conquers all. I think it is the staying in the abusive relationship makes me unhappy and that is where I make the bad choices. Does this make sense. I am sooooooooo trying to take responsibility for my feelings and behaviour here.
Axa
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The more i want the less i have
Kindness held is the seed
Kindness shared is the flower
My experience is relationships matter not things and i am grateful to have had this lesson.
moonlight
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Hey CB,
The love that conquers all is found within once that balance is found things fall into place and whatever struggles comes our way can be better understood.
What if the "love conquers all"
CB
If you can learn from hard knocks you can also learn from soft touches .Let's hope looking within and starting there we find more soft touches.
moon
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CB, how can you be so smart?
YES.
Moon,
You are a soft touch on the heart.
love y'all.
Hops
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CB
I do believe it is all connected up with myths/fairytales. And in the end they all live happily ever after........ its what I have been chasing. Where I am right now is the nearest I have come to happy ever after and it is NOT in a relationship or should I say I am now in a relationship with myself. A very different place. I always felt I was waiting and hoping for the "good ending". It is very childlike thinking. Forgetting that life is a process, it does not stop until I am dead and meanwhile it meanders on.
I also think part of the myth is tied up with another making me happy. if I am good enough, wait long enough, suffer enough then they will see me and off we will ride into the sunset. Well, Bull as far as I am concerned.
I remember reading fairy stories to my kids and when it would come to the And they all lived happily ever after bit, I would add that that does not necessirily happen..........wish I had listened to myself.
axa
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Axa,
I was just wondering about this (again) the other day- and there it is- in what you wrote. I, too, have always had good boundaries at work and in other situations. It's a totally different situation with my mother.
It was such a different experience to hear Hopalong say- yes- someone can make you unhappy, and it's not fashionable to say that.
On a strictly cognitive level, yes, I can see that what we tell ourselves about a situation, how we (choose) to interpret it results in how we feel about a situation, etc. And that no one is responsible for our feelings or wellbeing but ourself, etc.
But when someone causes hurt, either deliberately or unconsciously, aren't we taking responsibility we we yell "OUCH" without having to stop and ask ourselves if we're taking responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings?
I'm being simplistic, and so many of you are past connecting with that first loud OUCH, or the final one, or the accumulated ones that led to action. If I recall correctly, Axa, didn't you write somewhere that you came to a different place about your feelings related to your mother , but years later? You took responsibilty for your thoughts and feelings then, and I guess I'm saying that
you must be doing it now, too in relation to your feelings about your XN.
What a good mom you were being when you told your kids that it does not necessarily happen when you read them those fairy stories. And - again if I remember correctly from my lurking days- how you experienced it firsthand with the loss of your sweet daughter. It sounds like she was (IS) a special person.
But with her, I truly hope that it is, or can become, a real version of happily ever for you. If I remember, it seemed a bit like that what you wrote about her. If I have overstepped by referring to her, please let me know. I think you said that your XN acted like he knew her? It is my hope for myself, and for all of us, we can learn that despite our pain, or maybe because of it, in retrospect, it will someday be happily ever after, and it is indeed becoming that now, and it is that now. Even with the N's or XN's or the Nish or other just plain old flawed human beings in our life, including ourselves, I hope that I borrow that phrase that the "kids" popularized - "Hey- it all good!"
I want to believe in the possibility of myths and fairy tales, or at least what they represent, or could be. I know some of you might take issue with "Harry Potter" but I do want to refer to it. There is the evil Lord Voldemort who was referred to as "He Who Must Not Be Named." Harry found the courage to speak what must be named. He used his voice.
Has anyone ever read "Women Who Run With The Wolves"? It's about myths, with giving attention to the ways women have been taught, and ways that we can examine those archetypes. I read it a long time ago, but I think the author stresses the need women have to trust their own natural self protective "instincts" that get bred out of us when we become too domesticated.
cats paw
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Where I am right now is the nearest I have come to happy ever after and it is NOT in a relationship or should I say I am now in a relationship with myself.
I have been rereading 'Escape from Intimacy' and that is all about replacing this search for relationship with another with awareness of and thus relationship with self.
I have to agree Axa.
More and more I am finding myself busy with meaningful things to me, just happily passing the hours. Eating well. Exercising. Sleepign well. Walkign in nature. Watching a movie. Reading. Painting or writing....
I don't think I have ever spent calm leisure time away from people who disturb my sense of peace before.
My family and husband even my son to some extent have always been so demanding.
My son is a rewarding relationship but even so it was so much giving and self-sacrifice.
I never had this chance to build up me before, to recover from traumas, to just be....
Glad you're feeling that too Axa.
Fort he longest time I hated down-time and alone time, it was too painful and made me agitated, even triggered bipolar.
It's so nice now to light a candle, cook a simple meal, occupy my time with my stuff...be on my own schedule.
It is a first!
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Cats Paw,
In relation to my Mother. I was scared of her, even as an adult she frightened me so much. I related to her from the place of a small child. When she was dying I spent some time at her bedside and saw a tiny frail woman. She could not speak. I felt safe, touched her for the first time I can remember. I realised it was her words which wounded me and after years of therapy I see that she was acting out her anger and frustration on me. It does not make it ok but she paid a heavy price: she was angry all of her life. She was very N and I know that my N attraction has been about rewriting my history with her. The book is closed. She is gone and I am healing. I do not feel anger towards her anymore, just sadness that she could never see me and I did not have a real mother. I also accept this is how it is and I am claiming my own life now.
With regard to my daughter I just feel she is not ill anymore and that helps me so much. I know she is safe......... whatever that means and somehow that is enough for me.
I think I am my happy ever after and that is what I am working on here and in my life. I have the book you mentioned on my book shelf. Bought it years and years ago gathering dust at the moment.
Write
Escape from Intimacy, thanks Hops, has been a real eye opener for me. I admitted that I am an addict while reading it and so need to tread so carefully. I kinda like me.......... nice to say that, warts and all! I was terrified of downtime, always running around staying busy, staying away from the aloneness but I learned the only way through this is to feel it, wail, scream, cry, feel every horrible part of it and slowly its energy disapates.
Well done Write............ such a shame we were so afraid of ourselves for so long.
axa
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Dear CB:
Talking about Cinderella, I read about a symdrome or Cinderella, when mother loves the other sisters and gives you a lot of work and not to the other sisters, my mother was a Cinderella, my Grandmother was a Cinderella and I was a Cinderella. How about that?
Repeated over and over again. Hummm!! My sister and borther were treated differently. My brother was taught to drive bicicle by a hired person. They put me in the bicicle and pushed me until I fell many times, five years old and they did not care to scare me, to hurt me, my knees bleeding and they did not even consolate me after my falloings. Swim, they threw mw in the water and sawllow water, and only took me out when they saw I was drwoning. I learned. My mother protected my sister from pain. Not me.
see?
I call it Cinderella.
What do you think?
Lupita
Lupita
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Lupita,
Maybe your mom saw that you were as beautiful as you are. Maybe she was jealous of you?
Maybe she saw herself (in you as a child). Maybe what she did to you or did not do for you was (unconscious). Maybe she was doing it all over to herself and just using you by proxy.
Maybe she was repeating what was done to her.
She may have been abusing herself through you just like (possibly) she was by her mom as a child.
Verbal abuse to Lupita = Verbal abuse to herself.
Being the child left out, Lupita = The child she was (felt) left out by her mom.
And So on.
Do you think this may have been the case Lupita?
I know you suffered terribly and I am very sorry for that.
If you can put it together, solve the puzzle, maybe you can understand it a little better and know it was not really you.
It was her and the problems she brought into her motherhood by the way she was mothered, maybe? You think?
Love
Deb
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I want/I need.
In making decisions, the body (flesh) will always vote with the world (immediate gratification, pleasure, etc.)
The spirit will always vote for the right moral choice.
The mind becomes the swing vote.
tt
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CB
This is a big subject in my family right now. We have moved beyond the intense feeling of being out on the battlefield with bullets whizzing by our heads. Things are settling into a day to day rhythm--but now the emotions bubble to the surface. What is bubbling up is that several kids are angry
I am not surprised by this. If they have spent so long walking on eggshells around their father, putting their energy into trying to maintain some sort of pretend family, it has to come out. This sounds healthy to me but difficult for you as you also are recovering from the wounds. My son, as a teenager, used to often get quite angry with me, my T once said "Well he feels safe enough around you to display what he is feeling" It turned it around for me in some way. Are the kids in counselling? I think it is really important that they work through this stuff rather than stuff it down and have it acted out in later life.
They were raised in a kind of bubble where I was there all day and financially able to be a safety net for their ventures. They are all feeling acutely that we are now living closer to the financial edge. They are also living close to the emotional edge as well, because several do not feel that they have the emotional resources to process their brother's psychosis last year, plus the divorce, plus the move, plus the changes in our family dynamics. I am hearing a lot of "we don't have this anymore".
You all have been through so much, my heart goes out to you. Maybe all you can do is reassure them that change is very difficult for everyone. I guess you had some control over the change but they had little, even though I have no doubt that the change from having their father around all the time is a better one, but I wonder if they have a feeling of powerlessness.
Their brother's psychosis must have been so scary for them also. Again, it must have seemed like what was familiar to them was out of control. Oh CB I wish I had answers for you but I know how much you love them and trust that this is what will carry them through.
While I think focusing on the positive is a very good strategy i also think acknowledging their loss is a very important part of their healing. Finding a space for each of them to name their loss and fear may facilitate their coming to grips with the new reality of their lives.
I am hoping that will change. I am trying to be patient with it, although I think my fears that they will get stuck there make it hard to be patient. I have realized as I have recovered for the last year, that one of the biggest things my NH stole from me was my optimism. He always saw the negatives--oh, no! We only have $100,000 left! What will we do?????? I told myself I was never going to get locked into that crazy-making again--so when my kids start sounding like they are going that direction, my defenses go up.
CB you are not superhuman. Of course your defences go up. So what I have learned is that when that happens to me I acknowledge that, maybe you could say just that to them. I think allowing them see your vulnerability is good role modeling for htem. It may also encourage them to be able to express their vulnerability without acting it out with anger.
I realize that some of what is going on is a genuine grief process that needs time to be resolved in a healthy way. You can't pick yourself up and move on until you process what you have lost. But I struggle to hold all of this in balance in my own mind--and it would be nice if I could model that for them as well.
I thnk that is just what is going on .... grieveing, that and also lots and lots of hormones with teenagers. I also feel that it is very very important that you model your own self care around them. Trying to make everything ok, in as much as is possible, for them may not be the way for them to learn. I believe by modeling your own self care they will see you as seperate and worth the care. I really wish my mother had modeled some self care for me because I am only now learning about this.
One night, I was lying on the couch in mortal pain with my feet (honest--the pain was as severe as any childbirth I have gone through!) When it started to ease up a bit, I remarked: at least I dont have blisters. I dont know how in the world I could manage blisters, too. My son looked at me with total disbelief and said: you are one strong woman. I sat there for a bit when he left the room and thought, Am I?
My answer to that CB is YES you are but you are also very vulnerable............ let them see this too. You are many things, allow them the privilege of seeing all of you.
. What if I had lived all my life, married to NH, thinking I was weak and no-account, but really there was a strength there that I never knew? How sad. And it made me truly thankful for this present moment. I hope that doesnt sound fake, and Pollyanna-ish, because it's not.
I know it is is not fake. I try and practise gratitude and I am grateful at this stage of my life to begin to learn how worthwhile I am. So many people never know this, never feel this, never connect with themselves. Well done CB.
. I don't know why I look at thing like this right now. Some of it is age, I think. I've weathered a lot, so I know that this will be weathered too. Some of it is a shift in what is important to me. I am not as interested in the maintaining comfort as I am in growing. So, when I'm not comfortable, I've already made my peace with that as the price for growth. [/b
I think it is like glimsing the light of ourselves, sometimes we loose it, but once we have seen it we cannot deny it. Well, dunno girl, but I think maybe it is possible to be growning AND comfortable!!! Is pollyanna still lurking here with me LOL! I know the discomfort but I also know, and I think of Steve's post, that I have choices. Choices about how I feel, how I behave, how I take myself from the victim place. I am grateful to my age 51 because I think if i was much younger I would be off with another N trying to live the fairy tale. My age focuses me on the fact that time is going to run out and I want me to be happy and comfortable in me, that is my priority Sure I would love to be in a loving relationship but I put all my eggs in that basket many times and they just got broken.
] My kids are younger and they are worried that life is going to turn out badly. The jury's still out for them. So maybe there's just a time factor there.
I am sorry for the kids. When my daughter was dying I feel I neglected my son and he acted out a lot. Withdrew, smoked marijuana, dropped out of college etc. I was so angry with him because I felt I had so much to deal with that I did not need his teenage pranks. I feel he was invisible to me for such a long time during those years but I put all my energy into trying to keep my daughter alive for as long as possible. When he was born I thought I would die I loved him so much. I nursed him until he was 18 months, spent the first three years of his life loving him and was available to him until his sister got very ill which corresponded with his teenage years. Things were rough between me and him for a long time. But he has turned out to be a beautiful young man. Gentle, loving, warm, compassionate. He has lots of friends, works hard and has come around to the idea of going back to college. Everyone I meet who knows him, people his own age, parents etc always say to me how loving he is. It took time. It took time for me to forgive myself for not being available for him and time for him to see that I was doing the best I could. Tears streaming down my face now thinking about my lovely son. Trust CB, love them and trust.
Thank you for writing this post to me. I don't know my response is of any use but I trust that you are a very loving mother and I just wish I had had one like you.
xxxxxxxxxxx
axa
CB
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CB, this is a Pass-Fail course, getting through this chapter, and you Passed a long time ago.
There is no way to do it perfectly and you've done it magnificently well. You still are.
One thing I remember after my divorce was when I was alarmed by my child's anger, a T told me, a child always expresses their anger toward the parent they feel safest with.
Hard to think of it as a deep compliiment to be soaking up so many children's anger and acting out, but in a way it is.
Just as you have the privilege of loving them and disciplining them, they have the privilege of loving you and learning your own humanity. They've known the Mother, now they can learn you are also just a person. That will help them more than anything superlative. You don't have to be a champion any more, you can just take care of yourself and them as best you can.
Axa, you have been an amazing mother too. Your post was so moving and beautiful.
One day, you both might want to print out a few of your posts here...save them for your children?
with admiration and love to you both,
Hops
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CB
It is so difficult trying to do the "right" thing........... I like what Hops said about your humanity. I suppose what I am learning these days is that there are good bits and hard bits and that is just what life is about. Everything passes, the good and the bad. When I have my hard days, moments I become aware that it is not permanent and this soothes my soul and my pain.
In the time I have come to know you I am so amazed at the changes and growth that has gone on in your life. I think you are such a brave and loving woman and I am proud to know you. You are doing a fine job with your kids. I think as parents we struggle with our powerlessness over their lives. Sure we want everything perfect for them but their lives are their journeys. So often I wanted to rescue my son but somehow I had the strength to continue loving him and allowing him be himself, making mistakes but learning the lessons. He has not choosen the path I would have choosen for him but heck who says I know the right way for anyone. I am struggling with finding my own.
Recently he was home and his dad, my xh(not an N) came and we had dinner together. Son talked about our marriage breakdown and said that he had become aware how both his Dad and I had been very respectful to each other and he felt no fall out from it. It was wonderful to hear that. The reason being, I have no doubt,is that neither his Dad nor I wanted the kids to suffer. I was so pleased to hear him being so open and easy. I also acknowledge that so many people here are having such a hard time leaving, divorcing their Xs. I thank God I did not have any kids with XN because I have no doubt that it would be hell for them.
What can I say CB other than trust the love you give them. It really does move mountains.
Hops,
Thank you for saying such nice things about my mothering. As my son does not live here anymore I sometimes feel as if I am not a mother any longer and miss mothering sooooooooo much. I am envious of the many people here who have lots of kids. That was my dream but after my daughter was diagnosed with her genetic illness I could not have any more. I mourn the loss of the children I never had but am grateful for what I was blessed with.
love to you all,
axa