Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: teartracks on April 21, 2007, 06:55:34 PM
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Hello everyone,
In the week just past, expressions of feeling neglected have popped up on different threads. So that is what prompted this thread.
I'll start with a comment.
On the board, some, but not all the time I have felt:
Cared for
Ignored
Affirmed
Manipulated
Edit: Now if you wish to cast a vote, you can go to Storm's thread.
tt
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I agree with all except manipulated-can you give an example?
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What does vesmb Mean?
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voicelessness and emotional survival message board...
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I felt cared by several people. I felt consolated by several people. I never felt manipulated. I felt sad that my ideas did not match with the interests of the majority. I saw many threads that were not of my interest with a lot of posts and people's great response. But many things that really excited me did not excite the same way but a few. That is nobody's fault. We cannot blame other people for not having the same interests. I still read almost all the posts and learn a lot here. But I do not feel important here, guess that has to be earned in some way I still don't understand. We are human beings full of problems. We only can do so much. As a teacher, I have had difficulty making feel all my students welcome and important. I can do it with some of them but never all of them. So, I compare this situation and it looks very similar.
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In the months past, I've felt:
Cared for, especially by Hops and others who stood with me and said that I didn't deserve to be mistreated by X
Ignored- it's pretty rare that the posts I think are important and interesting to me, get read and commented on by others. Lupita noticed this too.
Affirmed- I have felt this many times when i've shared the pain I've gone through.
Manipulated- wayyyyyyyy in the past I experienced this, but that person is doing GREAT now in her personal walk to wholeness.
Attacked- same as manipulated.
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expressions of feeling neglected have popped up on different threads
I must have missed this, hope I am not neglecting anyone!
It's a good lesson that life isn't perfect to feel sometimes the things people mention though. Build up an inner strength and emotional resilience.
Remember REBT/ CBT~
The ABC’s of feelings & behaviours
American psychologist Albert Ellis, the originator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), was one of the first to systematically show how beliefs determine the way human beings feel and behave. Dr. Ellis developed the 'ABC’ model to demonstrate this.
'A’ refers to whatever started things off: a circumstance, event or experience - or just thinking about something which has happened. This triggers off thoughts ('B’), which in turn create a reaction - feelings and behaviours - ('C’).
To see this in operation, let’s meet Alan. A young man who had always tended to doubt himself, Alan imagined that other people did not like him, and that they were only friendly because they pitied him. One day, a friend passed him in the street without returning his greeting - to which Alan reacted negatively. Here is the event, Alan’s beliefs, and his reaction, put into the ABC format:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street without speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
He’s ignoring me. He doesn’t like me.
I could end up without friends for ever.
That would be terrible.
For me to be happy and feel worthwhile, people must like me.
I’m unacceptable as a friend - so I must be worthless as a person.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: worthless, depressed.
Behaviours: avoiding people generally.
Now, someone who thought differently about the same event would react in another way:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street without speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
He didn’t ignore me deliberately. He may not have seen me.
He might have something on his mind.
I’d like to help if I can.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: Concerned.
Behaviours: Went to visit friend, to see how he is.
These examples show how different ways of viewing the same event can lead to different reactions. The same principle operates in reverse: when people react alike, it is because they are thinking in similar ways.
from http://www.rational.org.nz/public/intro.htm the best website on this topic, full of great stuff.
Love to EVERYONE, goodnight, sleep well :)
~W
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Cared for - I very much feel this
Ignored - If people do not reply/add comments to my posts I assume they are not relevant to them, which is fine as I do not reply to everyones posts.
Affirmed - Yes, yes, yes, from people replying to my posts or people starting threads which I can associate with
Manipulated - never
So happy to have this home
axa
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I have to say that mer the most part I love this board! I also have to explain myself. I can type FAST-but most of the time I am posting on my phone where I cannot type fast and there are often misspellins. I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you up when you are falling but often times I cannot. Phone only gives me 500 Characters too. So forgive me if I seem short and to the point-I really WANT to ramble! Maybe it is a blessing to you all!
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Lupita, I really understand what you have said here:
I felt sad that my ideas did not match with the interests of the majority. I saw many threads that were not of my interest with a lot of posts and people's great response. But many things that really excited me did not excite the same way but a few. That is nobody's fault. We cannot blame other people for not having the same interests. I still read almost all the posts and learn a lot here.
WRITE - I fully get the REBT/CBT thing.
When I posted about my loneliness and disappointment at the lack of interest early on on the Alec Baldwin site I fully recognized that I was reacting to my early wounds and that there were other perspectives available. I do hope and plan to get to that other perspective. I find that I must plunge the depths of the wound first.
CB - I really believe that the posts I have read about feeling neglected were an expression of feeling rather than an expectation that others needed to respond. My loneliness was touched by a low response rate but I didnot feel others had an obligation to respond. The other posts I interpreted the same way. I wouldn't want you to feel some obligation by coming here nor would I want that for myself nor anyone else here. I am thankful that we can have open discussions about our wounds and our limits and our expectations here. I could not growing up nor do I think at any other time in my life.
I am thankful that teartracks has started this thread. It helps for me to express a sense of neglect without putting that burden on anyone here. I was never allowed to talk about feeling neglected growing up nor in either of my marriages. Any comment about feeling alone or left out was met by rebuff or rejection. I see clearly that it came out of a dearth of empathy and true love even though the word love was always thrown in there.
I have found that here I am able to say how lonely I feel and others say they are sorry I feel lonely. This is the only place I have ever experienced that. It is an extraordinary experience. I am touched and moved beyond expression. - GS
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Hi OC,
Overcomer said: I agree with all except manipulated-can you give an example?
Triangulation: The failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides.
That's what I'd be risking if I gave examples.
tt
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HI tt,
I feel I have been understood and supported.
All of the situations that have been endured on the board has helped me resolve problems.
The mind resolves problems and this in turn let's one's heart beam.
The support is beautiful to see.
moon
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Moon,
HI tt,
I feel I have been understood and supported.
All of the situations that have been endured on the board has helped me resolve problems.
The mind resolves problems and this in turn let's one's heart beam.
The support is beautiful to see.
moon
I see what you mean. To me, this board is like a classroom. No matter what emotions are evoked as I read along and participate, I learn something of value.
tt
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tt,
You have always been so patient with me thru all my ups and downs.
Helping me to find the best part of myself.
I am learning every day to be stronger ....
and not so afraid
so much love to you and then more..
moon
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Hey WRITE,
Friend passed me in the street without speaking to me.
Good information in your post...
Trying to interject a little humor! Once a friend didn't wave to me across the street. I guess I didn't overpersonalize it at the time for I asked her about it later. Come to find out, she was terribly near sighted.
tt
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Once a friend didn't wave to me across the street. I guess I didn't overpersonalize it at the time for I asked her about it later. Come to find out, she was terribly near sighted.
I'm not surprised at your funny story teartracks, the last two or three years I have been paying attention more and the number of times I have been at 'cross-purposes' or in miscommunications with people has been illuminating.
For sensitive people we have to remind ourselves- yes we're picking up the vibe BUT we can't possibly know what it means entirely or even if it's about us!
Even with a doctor once my therapist knows her and she told me afterwards there were crossed wires all round. And I was so certain that doctor had been disrespectful and unkind. I guess once our emotional responses are triggered we are less open-minded.
Especially if it's stuff like rejection or abandonment and trauma from our past.......
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One point I wanted to make here. Sometimes when I am crunched for time, I read only the very first in a series of posts. If the person has a question or needs someinput, I answer to that. Once I go back and have time to read through, I often see that the thread has meandered in different directions.
Also, I have posted things I wanted others to comment on in the middle of a thread. This is a bad idea as it often gets buried. If you want or need to be heard, start a new thread so that people understand the importance of your words. I don't think anyone here ignores a plea for understanding or help.
I think this is a fabulous group and I missed you all last week!!!!!!!!!
Love, Beth
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Hi axa,
Ignored - If people do not reply/add comments to my posts I assume they are not relevant to them, which is fine as I do not reply to everyones posts.
I think this too. Another feature of not responding could be that they are highly sensitive about the subject and fear that talking about it on a thread or anywhere for that matter may trigger their own deep wounds.
Racing to judgment about the behavior of others on the board is a luxury I can't afford. It's all I can do to keep my can of worms contained. :lol:
tt
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I like this S&S - "Not expecting perfection anymore."
I am also not taking everything personally :)
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Hi
Some of you may remember me, I was posting pretty regularly a few months ago. FYI I almost always felt welcomed, affirmed, and validated. Tremendous help, those people have been. Never felt manipulated. Or attacked. Sometimes I felt unheard, which seems ironic considering the name of this board, but its inevitable that sometimes others just don't hear us the way we need them to. That's where face-to-face friends are best. If you have them.
For those of you who listened to me in my darker moments, I am doing much better now, due mostly to a series of intense dialogs between two of my closest brothers and myself, all of whom are working diligently on overcoming the "crap" of our childhood. As the singer once said, "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." You people have been "brotherly" to me, and I appreciate all your support. I hope I was able to lend same to some of you. I likely won't be back here, thank you for all you give.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( to all ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
~~dragonsamm :D
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dragonsamm,
I sure do remember you. So glad things are going well.
You know, when we shake all of our experiences on the board down, I think they will be very similar to what you describe. I've felt some of just about everything you and others have spoken of, positive and negative, but I think the board is a hawling success, and that it brings help and understanding to us all about narcissism.
Good to hear from you. Best of everything to you.
tt
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Hey Sam, I remember you too! Glad to hear you are working through things with your kin! It really helps to have your family stand by you, even if it means standing by you in a situation like this.
~L
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Hello everyone,
In the week just past, expressions of feeling neglected have popped up on different threads. So that is what prompted this thread.
I'll start with a comment.
On the board, some, but not all the time I have felt:
Cared for
Ignored
Affirmed
Manipulated
Edit: Now if you wish to cast a vote, you can go to Storm's thread.
tt
I'm lucky that I can come to this board and read older threads, up to date threads, threads I've responded to and/or had responses to and get something from it. I always feel cared for when I post and people give me their own truths in response. Even if I get just one response and nothing more. Even if I respond and no one responds to me. I'm still getting something from the interaction between all.... on the board. I don't feel like I've been neglected but..... if I did.... I guess I'd start a thread like this one and ask for some input. Sometimes it just comes down to..... don't ask, don't get. We're all a bit mired, on and off. It's hard to be very responsive daily. At least for me it is. I don't post every day and sometimes don't even check my e mails.
I post when something speaks to me and I feel I can add something, for someone's benefit. That helps me solidify lessons I've learned. I love it when other's do the same for me..... whether I agree or not. I get something from opinions that differ from my own. Margo
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Hi Margo,
How are things going for you?
Hops