Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on April 22, 2007, 09:48:19 PM
-
A few days ago, CB commented to me on another thread that she could tell that I was done - OVER - finito!!! She mentioned that it appeared that I had hit the end of my rope as she did with her husband and as many of you have done in order to get to the point where you are now........on the road to recovery.
For me the snapping point was age 42. That was a full five years ago. Since then I have been on the road to freedom and recovery. Sometimes things are ok so I just bide my time. But I have this underlying feeling of anger - resentfulness - bitterness.
My goal to get out is strengthened because I have hit my wall. I am so over this. My only recourse is to change my life course. New job. New body. New attitude. I feel like if I do not get away from my nmom, I will die little by little every single day of my life.
Does anyone else here relate to this? This hitting a brick wall and KNOWING that it is over!!!!
-
Yes, I can relate, Kell.
For me, it was at the end of 2 marriages.
But I can understand completely how you reached that point with your Mom too.
Maybe this last long mile is just for you to release the anger, so when you do move on, you feel peaceful.
You deserve some peace. And since she's not going to give it to you, you need to create it inside yourself. I believe in you, I'm sure you will find the way to do that.
Hops
-
OC,
Yep, I can relate. I love Hops description of her relationship with her Mom nowadays. Kind detachment. That's where I am too. It is blessed relief, but it took a while to get there.
Best to you dear one.
tt
-
Dear OC
Oh Yes!
Then your time has come and you GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All the Best
Love
Izzy
-
Hi Kell,
Yes, I know whatcha mean. But I think I am at a new point... one where I want to declare my disgust... but I am not sure that is a good idea.
I also realized this week, going through some old notebooks, that I was working through this before I understood what the problem was. It took me years to find the root...
Take care Kell,
Love, Beth
-
OC,
Oh sure can relate hitting the brick wall knowing it's over. When I think of my anger back then I think I was more bored with myself that made me angry. Oh I sound like that Bruce Springsteen song,
I get up in the evening, and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning, I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired, man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help
You cant start a fire, you cant start a fire without a spark
This guns for hire even if were just dancing in the dark
Message keeps getting clearer, radios on and I'm moving round the place
I check myself out in the mirror I wanna change my clothes my hair my face
Man I ain't getting nowhere just sitting in a dump like this
Theres something happening somewhere baby I just know that there is
You cant start a fire, you cant start a fire without a spark
This guns for hire even if were just dancing in the dark
You'll get to where you need to be OC. It just feels like it cannot come soon enough but it will come.
Love
Deb
-
Well I got an email from my mom yesterday after she went to a Women of Faith conference and it sounded like their may be a short moment of weakness in her-she asked for forgiveness'
-
Forgive her and then read, The Dance of Anger. - GS
-
Do you remember the song "It's Too Late" by Carole King? Could that apply to another side of the feelings you're dealing with about your mom? That is for some reason what came to my mind when I read what you said about she asked for forgiveness.
Not to say that it's ever too late to forgive anyone- ever. But how about reconciliation? Is that what you would like with your mother? Is it possible? What would it look like?
Just a couple of thoughts, as this is something I am working on in my life.
cats paw
-
Kell,
Here's a thought--I think that ultimately forgiveness is the best thing for you and your mom. But! I think you are pretty much locked into a dance, and I think you will have your best chance of forgiving (and she will have her best chance of changing), if you have some distance between you.
Anyway, that's my best advice--forgive from a distance.
CB
-
Like the famous parting words...
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
Talk about a breaking point!!
-
That is exactly right! I have told my mom that I WANT to like her. I want a relationship with her but it will get to the point where I will hate her if I do not get away from her, and I do not know why she cannot understand that-it is like as long as I stay and take the abuse. She knows she needs me but will not give me a chance to do it without her. It is her way or the highway!
-
Yes you are so right! I Have always wanted her approval and support but she will NOT give it. But what I really want is not to in but to stay and have HER leave! Or I want her to give me money so I can stay home with my child! I think she owes me! She has taken so much from me over the years-specifically my self esteem. I guess I am having a hard time letting her win again! But he I have to I will move on and I told her so! It is just so exasperating!
-
I've been thinking about hitting the brick wall and saying enough is enough. Most people hit the wall, say enough is enough and then can't make a move. I left my marriage before I became a zombie, while it still hurt, while I still loved. I have so many friends that hit the wall, then stay. You pay a price when you stay, you lose part of who you are, you cope in ways that often aren't healthy, you have trouble looking yourself in the mirror. The classic saying sh@# or get off the pot rang thru my head a lot in the last couple weeks before I filed for divorce. I had tried everything, talked and cried as much as was humanly possible and truly saw the only options as divorce or suicide. I know if I had stayed I propable wouldn't have taken my life but I would be living half a life, half of me had to die in order to survive living with an abusive man.
-
GAP,
I wish there were a point like that for me. I am trying to figure out what IS equal to making some action on the pot??????? I think it would require some sort of confrontation. She covers her tracks well, so I am sure anything I confronted her with would be spun into something I had done to abuse her. Besides that, I think she is just waiting for some sort of "situation" to liven up her days.
God grant me the serenity...
Love, Beth
-
Dear Beth,
What esculated my situation wasn't confrontation but rather lack there of. I started reading as much as I could about narcissism and stopped reacting...this but him over the edge and esculated the behavior to the point of no return for me. Confrontation just gives them validation and leaves you feeling helpless. You gain power by not reacting.
I was able to test this theory recently when my mother went crazy on my brother and I. I have done so much therapy I was able to see it for what it was and not react. My brother's reaction was so strong that other family members assumed my mother's story was correct. He ended up getting so upset he started therapy. Disengage, don't react, understand her triggers. Narcissist need supply be it good or bad...no supply puts them over the edge.
GAP
-
[
Does anyone else here relate to this? This hitting a brick wall and KNOWING that it is over!!!!
[/quote]
::raising hand:: All through my life.... I've known the wall was coming, in different relationships. The people I've left never seem to see it coming.... never seem to think I'll go. They sure seem amazed when it happens. Margo
-
My mom sent me an email asking for forgiveness-well I responded with a heart felt email spelling out all my issues. I was crying my eyes out as I wrote it because my pain and frustration were pouring out of my soul. She responded with-surprise-understanding! She told me she would back out of the business and let me run it. I think she finally HEARD me! We will see if she follows through with her promises of trying to not control me, to build me up and not tear me down! I feel hope.
-
Continued...well in her email she told me that someone suggested she read the book I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME......what she didn't tell me is the subtitle is.............dealing with the Borderline Personality Person in your life. Well, of course, that took me aback because it is so like her to try to label me as the person with the problem. Oh well, I guess it is no different than me diagnosing her with NPD. As long as I can put a label on her behavior and she can put a label on mine and we still get somewhere p then good. I suppose if she thinks I have BPD she can try to help me stablilize..................and yes, I can relate to living in a roller coaster but I don't think I am manic............I just think I can only take so much and then - snap - I get to that brick wall. Does anyone else know much about BPD and could I have it? I don't think I do and I called a friend to ask her if she thought I might - she said, "No, you are very sane...................it is your mother who is insane!"
-
My mom sent me an email asking for forgiveness-well I responded with a heart felt email spelling out all my issues. I was crying my eyes out as I wrote it because my pain and frustration were pouring out of my soul. She responded with-surprise-understanding! She told me she would back out of the business and let me run it. I think she finally HEARD me! We will see if she follows through with her promises of trying to not control me, to build me up and not tear me down! I feel hope.
Hi OC
I couldn't be more pleased than at reading this post! I hope she upholds her promise. I really do--------------otherwise nothing will have been accomplished other than to verify your original thoughts.
However you have her e-mail as "your proof" that things were going to change.
It is still a positive thing!
Lovve
Izzy
-
GAP,
Thank you so much... that is what I needed to hear. I was pretty sure that there could be no good outcome from a confrontation... but I wanted to hear it from someone. I honestly think she is trying to build up to one for her enjoyment, but I am going to just back off and let her find some other outlet.
Kell,
Forgive me, in reading your posts, I see a tango that you and your mother dance endlessly. I think you are still letting her lead and still very much want her approval. I really don't think you can go anywhere until you no longer look for interaction/input/approval from her. She will never give you the business and will always hold it out as a carrot. Of course, seeing this and saying this is a heck of a lot easier than acting on things. I say this and I know that I too am trying to get over the need to have my family give even a rat's ass about me.
Love, Beth
-
You are probably right Beth. I do not trust vibr she REALLY will give it over-but you should read the things I said! I mean I nailed her. Maybe it was a moment of weakness on her part or she is trying to appease me. I have a phone interview with another company tomorrow-gotta keep my options open for when she tries to pull the rug out from under me!
-
(((((((((((((((Kell))))))))))))
I would tend to bet on appeasement. At any rate, keep your shield up and protect yourself. I learned one thing from my parents - not to break promises. If I promise my kids something, I do it. I HATED that feeling of constant disappointment. And I learned not to trust people who promised me anything.
Love, Beth
-
Over and over and over again I kept telling XN I could not take anymore and I stayed, WAITING for him to hear me. He pleaded with me not to know. He "loved" me. I kept looking to him to make a change, waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for the happy ever after ending. It does not come with Ns. Then one morning I woke up and the waiting was over. I knew in the deepest part of me that my life would be about nothing other than pain and abuse if I allowed it continue. I threw him out. I saved myself and it was over.
THEY CANNOT HEAR YOU. THEY CANNOT SEE YOU.
I felt like a dog with a bone. I could not give up on the relationship. Now I see there was no relationship to give up on. I was trying to reconcile with a ghost.
As for forgiveness. I am working on forgiving myself for staying so long, for not caring enough for myself, for not seeing or hearing myself. XN is happy with his supply I have no doubt so forgiveness does not even come into it for him..........
axa
-
Hi Axa,
I know what you mean...I was amazed at how MUCH work it was to learn to forgive myself for having spent half my life in Ns' orbits...
Truly. I thought once I heard the "click" and was no longer in the relationship, yegods, there was a whole 'NOTHER dysfunctional relationship to deal with. Mine with myself.
Self-forgiveness was a huge piece of work. Still is, sometimes.
(((((((Axa))))))))
Hops
-
Well we had a staff meeting today where my mom led the meeting-it didnt seem like a meeting ran by someone who planned on stepping aside-in fact it was more like a meeting from someone who is stepping up. The bookkeeper was disappointed because she was so happy my mom was stepping aside. I told her that I didnt trust my mom to keep her promise but the b k has not lived with my mom all her life! She looked pretty sad! Me? The phone interview went well! Dance no more!
-
Axa and Hops: I AGREE THAT WHERE EVER YOU GO-THERE YOU ARE! I have to try to get over myself and my tendency to do stupid things!
-
Dear Axa,
I really related to your post about over and over I kept pleading with him.....sounds like my life story. I wrote shortly after he left for good that I kept waiting for someone to help me with my pain. My mom as a child, anyone that would listen to the tales of my marriage as an adult...then one day I woke up and realized, no one was going to save me but myself. That is scary, only we can stop others from abusing us. I'm still learning how to stop the abuse and walk away from unhealthy people and not feel guilty.
GAP
-
My friend dated a guy who jerked her around until she finally looked into the mirror and said no more! She told me she loved herself too much to take the jerking around. She left the guy and finally found the man of her dreams. At church they preached about being cycle breakers-being what you need for your kids even if your parents were not there for you. I am at the end of my rope and have a second interview with a company. Wish me luck!
-
I wish you luck OC. I wish that this is the job for you. I wish you out of the daily demeaning drama with your mother. - GS
-
Keep us posted. I hope you get the job, there is no better cure then getting away from the abusers.
-
No reply-maybe Monday. People just cannot believe I would leave a place I am part owner of.