Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: WRITE on April 23, 2007, 07:04:16 PM
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this topic came up on another thread, but I still have days when all kinds of thoughts run through my head:
what was that look about?
no one really cares/ likes me/ understands...
nothing ever goes right...
etc
A lot of this is catastrophising I can see just as I write it out, but how do we unprogramme ourselves from these thoughts?
They've been with me since early childhood and were reinforced and voiced by my family and husband.
Will we ever reach a point where we don't have these thoughts or is it just a matter of recognising and not reacting to them?
~W
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Hi Write,
Insecurity is my middle name!
Such thoughts, from my POV, come from not have a trusting relationship with parents and siblings from day 1.
If said people and I had shared experiences, fun, a pat on the back, laughter, talking, been given knowledge on various topics, been treated with respect, been given boundaries, been supported in our endeavours.............before even starting school..........
You get the picture. It all begins when we our powerless to do it ourselves, so our parents must be prepared to bring this into our lives. If they are not, then everyone goes willy-nilly without goals, and might as well have been raised by wolves!
Anyone who reads this, please correct me if I am wrong--this is how I see it and we are out of our own control from the beginning.
Love
Izzy
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Hello Write,
When I have these kind of insecure thoughts I (as quickly as possible) replace them with a picture or thought of my kids .
This calms the insecurity and the stress level is gone.I guess any very pleasant picture or thought will work.
Thoughts of love your music the way you express yourself with words (which flows like a waterfall).
My therapist suggested this method and it has been working for me.
Today I really needed it and it really helped.
So much so I cleaned out the laundry room with the good vibes my inner love thoughts produced
so right away I relace the insecure thought with a new loving one...
hope this helps..............
love to you Write
moon
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might as well have been raised by wolves!
I think some of us were....
not have a trusting relationship with parents and siblings from day 1.
it's hard isn't it (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
any very pleasant picture or thought will work.
Thoughts of love your music the way you express yourself with words (which flows like a waterfall).
My therapist suggested this method and it has been working for me.
Thanks Moon. I'll try it.
I think in many ways this is my most challenging time, for I am so aware of everything. All my over-reacting or if I am being controlling or anxious or projecting....sometimes I think I'll never calm down again! But I know I will, and this is just a rebuilding bit.
relace the insecure thought with a new loving one...
I am still not as loving to myself as I might be sometimes, very quick to call myself stupid and slow to reward myself....the saying positive stuff out of situ never worked much for me si I need to pay attention and give myself praise or talkignto right there in the moment I need it.
Maybe I'll never manage my emotions as good as other people people but it is a lot better.
I'm enjoying a lot of life now even bad days all ahve good bits!
Great to see you doing well Moon, love to you too.
Also to Is and everyone else.
:) goodnight, sleep well.
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Hey Write:
saying positive stuff out of situ never worked much for me si I need to pay attention and give myself praise or talkignto right there in the moment I need it.
Good insight. I think saying positive things to yourself in your head is never out of situ because your LIFE is the situ! It is always, always worthwhile to be your own encourager, champion, and appreciative friend.
Stupid my arse. DON'T BE MEAN TO WRITE, OKAY?
(Please type 50 times. I am a wonderful person....)
love,
Hops
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Dear dear Hops X
Nothing is enough somehow is it, when you've had years of trauma or abuse...!
Today at work a family member stopped me and said 'I've never seen anyone get so much out of these patients' she means that they are actively engaged rather than be passively entertained. But I forgot to think about it and instead wondered why the manager didn't speak to me about the job we discussed last week, why my colleague/ friend hasn't invited me to her leaving party. whether I should keep the groups so active given the lady fell....
I sort-of filter out the praise and accolades, focus on the problems etc.
Part of it is we were raised to not be 'up yourself'. A phrase we heard a lot was 'bring you down a peg or two...'.
I guess it was a remnant for the class system.
Part of it is alwasy tryign to be prepared for the next trauma...
I don't know if I am a wonderful person Hops too, I sometimes think I am just so messed-up, there's too many things wrong with me.
I wonder if I'll ever feel whole and normal.
I keep reminding myself it's a process but I do wonder where I'll fit, if I dare to keep trying, if ex will unravel my progress.....
Maybe I'm a bit overwhelmed today; I have been working so hard lately, and not let-up because I had so many bills.
I finish teaching one group tomorrow, one more class with another, one last week. I've ordered more business cards in two designs, one for funerals and memorials.
I get a lot of good feedback but sometimes I feel like a bottomless pit of unfilled needs and unloved me....it's funny because I said that about ex, nothing is enough for him.
Today I have a headache, maybe that is making me feel helpless and melancholy. I feel like I wasted an afternnoon because I couldn't get anything done...I feel incredibly driven you know.
In the last three years I have left my marriage, kept my family together, recovered from a serious illness, lost 60 pounds, started a business, done tons of voluntary work, started a writers' group, developed two music teaching programmes.....it seems a lot when I look at it written down but I am only thinking of all the other stuff, projects I couldn't complete, my lack of formal education, my book not finished, the weight still to lose.....
How come all the positivity other people say I exude aroudn them doesn't come to me?! One woman said to me recently 'you make people feel ten feet tall'.
Why don't I feel ten feet tall?
Will I ever be enough? Am I like ex, broken?
***
okay, end of whine, at least my headache is clearing as I have typed that.
***
Something else I realised today when one of my colleagues came up and kissed me on the forehead, I get tons of attention from men. El Crusho came and kissed me last night too.
I am seriously nuts when it comes to men and relationships!
Even if someone is hanging around loads I tell myself they can't be interested really, or I sabotage their best efforts.
It's hitting home more and more thqat I have been with ex al these years not out of some big altruism, or fear or anything else, but because I won't let people close.
I won't ask for what I want, or risk anyone getting too close.
I felt kind of ashamed typing that....strange. Maybe this is the inner layers of the damage I am touching on now.
Most of the time I feel fine, then this huge wave of misery comes.
I thought it was the bipolar, but I think it may just be me!
Oops, the whine was supposed to be finished.
Thanks for letting me go on a bit.
I don't know what to do with myself today.
Think I'll go do that visualisation thing Moon suggested now I poured all this out of my system...
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This is an excellent topic for me WRITE. So glad you got it going. When I read this thought:
Will we ever reach a point where we don't have these thoughts or is it just a matter of recognising and not reacting to them?
I recognized my own belief that I have slipped away from. I have had a hard time recognizing and label these thoughts so that I could then not react. I do believe that as I practise that more and more it will become a habit that replaces that wretched one I developed as a child.
So glad you are pouring the toxic stuff out here so you can replace it with good stuff. - your friend - Gaining Strength
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become a habit that replaces that wretched one I developed as a child.
you are right GS, these are lifelong habits formed at our most vulnerable times. It is hard to break them, and at times of stress I think they return.
I'd love to know what you think of this.
Thank you CB.
I have printed off the bigger article and will read it when I feel better.
The headache morphed into a giant migraine and I've been asleep for a couple of hours, it's starting to recede now.
I don't get this often but it is always accompanied by a horrible change in mood- I literally feel like the hand of doom is upon me, and also the atmospherics here are strong today- an impending storm looming which has not broken yet....
I felt earlier the pressure in my head would explode.
It's worse because of the bipolar I think.
Funny how I panic though and don't prepare myself as it comes on, everything feels not as bad now.
Interestingly, I may have unwittingly contributed to this. I have always thought that she could do anything
I'm not sure I understand? You mean you told her she could do anything and so now she tries to?
The thing for me is things often don't feel real unless there's some element of struggle, and I can't easily settle- there's always another challenge, another hill to climb.
And I always try to do it the hard way, the different way than everyone else.
I don't have degrees or many qualifications and I don't like that way of learning something!
I feel like the world is full of overqualified people with no lifeskills....yet why I translate this into I should fight it I don't know.
I fight everything.
Injustice.
Incorrect perceptions.
Things other people leave alone I'm in there, and I don't walk away until I'm satisfied.
It's like I have this compulsion to change things, to crusade.
At work if something is wrong I set about changing it, my ex I can't give up on even though I know it's crazy to keep trying when there's so little change and it's so damaging to be around him much.
Sometimes I feel like I dash my brains out on life, there's a part of me that is out of control and only feels alive when I am taking risks or struggling.
This insecurity is coming from spending more down time I know, feeling like I am just beaing calm and normal and cooking, eating, watching movies, walking, working.
It feels like life is passing by and I am wasting it.
I should be doing something- composing, painting, writing, setting things up....
Maybe it's all the years of running from myself or my situation.
Maybe it's having bipolar and mania.
Maybe it's just habit.
But one thing I can see it doesn't matter what I DO, I am never satisfied. I could always do more. Do better.
That was my pattern with my mother, I was always trying to impress her. Never did not once.
She hated me.
I thought I exorcised her and she's still here, I don't know why.
I'm writing some music at the moment for a concert for a friend's husband's retirement.
It's really pretty so far, I am pleasd with it, but the thought keeps comign to me that my mother wouldn't like it.
None of them would.
Why does it matter so much?
Why do I secretly want to please people I thought I outgrew?
And another thing- why do I use all these things to scare people away?
I've been doing it more and more, showing people my writing, music, painting and they are shocked a bit I think. It brings out the competetive and the admiring and the interest in people. But nobody has the right response.
It's the response I wanted from my mother isn't it.
It's funny years ago I found in one of her old purses with some photos and documents a paper rabbit made with gummed squares and a cotton-ball tail. It was so unusual for her to be sentimental or interested in these things I was surprised to find it, but then all I wanted to know was 'did I make it or my sister'?
I wanted to know who she cared about more....
This is self-sabotage isn't it, because I am doing okay.
Feels like an internal self-destruct sequence which starts whenever I get anywhere near happy.
My mother couldn't bear people to be happy, she really couldn't.
I'm beginning to wonder if she was N, though I didn't know her barely as an adult so I can't say really.
I know she blamed me for a lot of her problems, and for a lot of the family problems.
I am the eldest.
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Write, honey. You sound plain worn out, but you're having a hard time giving yourself permission to be worn out. To be lonely. To be yearning. To be wanting a degree, success. Seems like you're having a hard time being halfway nice to yourself...
I don't know if I am a wonderful person Hops too, I sometimes think I am just so messed-up, there's too many things wrong with me.
Okay, then how about writing 50 times:
I am wonderfully messed up.
I love every single gloriously messed up part of me.
I make messed up look fabulous.
I am a role model of messed-upness.
I am perfect in my messed-upness.
I am wonderful and messed up.
I am a wonderful mess.
I make wonderful messes.
I make music out of messes.
I hear music in messes.
I see people in messiness.
I see the mystery in mess.
Or something like that...
Sometimes exaggerating our moods to the point where they drop out of their usual plane helps them become just another piece of the mystery (and messiness) of being a human being, having a life.
You are not defending so much, I think Write. You are letting life in.
I think you're managing your illness wonderfully. You've just been through a serious transition that really demands grieving, and you were going so fast maybe you outran it for a while.
(((((((((((((((((((((Write))))))))))))))))))))
love
Hops
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Hi WRITE,
Insecurity...uhmmm. How do I handle it? Actually, I need to think about that. But here's how I'm thinking right now. I think I have a bag of insecurity fixes. When an insecurity is triggered, without being conscious of it I automatically reach into my bag of fixes and find the one that works for that particular insecurity and apply it like lipstick. If another kind of insecurity gets triggered, I reach into the bag and find the fix for that 'feeling'.
When I'm in a healthy frame of mind, I don't use the fixes. When I'm thinking healthy, and the insecure mantle drops over me, I recognize the feeling (I usually recognize it as insecurity (or a feeling of depression) within a half hour time frame), then I go back to the moment it was triggered what was that look about?
no one really cares/ likes me/ understands...
nothing ever goes right...
etc and correct my thinking.
The battle is always for the mind!
tt
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Hops,
You've just been through a serious transition that really demands grieving, and you were going so fast maybe you outran it for a while.
You have the sweetest heart. Would you consider being the board's house mother?
Love,
tt
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When I hear those ancient voices who discount and abuse me I do the following
Ancient Voice: I have nobody
Axa You have me
Ancient Voice I am so alone
Axa Not anymore you have me
Ancient Voice I am no good
Axa You have succeeded in surviving abuse, pain, loss, have a lovely home, have talent, etc
I find answering these voices helps me because their words are not true. I have messed up so many times and it is from the messing up I am learning about Axa who is the person I need to learn about. She has left me down many times but she has also saved me and I am learning to trust her the more I allow myself hear her voice.
axa
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I believe my sense of self , esteem and worth are ok, In that I feel ok about me, I believe i have a sense of purpose and worth to myself and friends and family, I have hobbies and try to take care of my body as best as I can... I look forward to another day, and thank God for the gift of life... generally I have a not to bad disposition , and find happiness in many many things....
But what my problem is , is that I need to feel "safe" this is something that has followed me into my adulthood, I know it stems from my childhood, and that there is nothing in the world that will take this away , because it is too deeply ingrained in me..
and it follows me whereever i go......
Here at this forum I feel safe... sessions with physcologist make me feel safe..... arround certain people i feel safe, If I am the one chosing the events , or experience...
this needing to feel safe, is probably related to PTS, but if it is it is ongoing.... and in terms of trust, it is sad to say but i trust strangers more than certain family members.....
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this topic came up on another thread, but I still have days when all kinds of thoughts run through my head:
what was that look about?
no one really cares/ likes me/ understands...
nothing ever goes right...
etc
A lot of this is catastrophising I can see just as I write it out, but how do we unprogramme ourselves from these thoughts?
They've been with me since early childhood and were reinforced and voiced by my family and husband.
Will we ever reach a point where we don't have these thoughts or is it just a matter of recognising and not reacting to them?
~W
I have it in my mind...... replace, replace, replace...... just as Seastorm reminded me a couple weeks ago.
Everything remains the same unless we go out of our way to make changes and form new habits. Feeling better about ourselves doesn't just happen. We strive and grow and overcome obstacles to do it. The striving and growing and overcoming has the positive byproduct of showing us we are worthy of more confidence from ourselves, for ourselves. Self discovery, overcoming bad thought processes we have about ourselves. It's coming to the realization that we have strengths we didn't know we had and abilities that we never used, for many different reasons..... that was our role in our FOO or someone had to tear us down to feel better about themselves or someone lived in such terrible fear of being abandoned they kept us broken down so they had less fear themselves but.... it's a self fulfilling prophecy, isn't it?
If we understand ourselves better and become less afraid, we're left with more energy for positive things. Fear and shame are poison. We can't just extinguish them. We have to R E P L A C E them if they have a very strong hold in our lives. It takes time and being kind to ourselves. Learning self care. Discovering what our passions are and enjoying them. Learning to enjoy them, rather. Then there's learning to redirect all the thoughts that come with changing those patterns...... feeling selfish or unworthy or like coming out of our skins because we're so uncomfortable doing something for ourselves. We're used to living for other people. In their service, so to speak. Waiting for their every signal so we can decide if our anxiety is extreme or relaxed on any given day. God help us..... it's about stuggle and replacement and faking enough self love and empathy until we form new patterns and get comfortable with them.
It takes a while and there's discomfort involved. It's walking through the fire..... to fine a better, more peaceful place, but that place is there waiting for us. What I find most striking about the whole experience is...... I'm always surprisingly comfortable I become with replacing bad things.... with good things. It was a very large surprise when I got used to having a nice man in my life, once apon a time. I MISSED him and his very kind treatment of me when he was gone. I was amazed bc I'd been forcing myself to endure his proximity, long enough apparently, that I had gotten used to better treatment. Amazing really.
There were all kinds of little replacements and realizations in my very early 20's. I despised them all..... but they remain as true now as they were then. New replacements will be as hard won, I relalize.... I don't think it gets any easier, really. Just better if we continue to strive for ourselves. Does that make sense? In other words, every replacement is difficult and takes diligence. No matter what stage we're at. A habit is a very difficult thing to replace....... But it can be done! Back to the old saying... "We stay until the pain of staying is worse than the pain of going." That's a terrible way to begin a journey.... in so much distress but..... that's where the work of growth takes center stage, unfortunately.
::sigh:: Then, of course, guarding against backsliding into unhealthy choices and situations again..... is an ongoing struggle that we sometimes lose..... even if we're trying to be diligent and make better decisions. I've found that I can THINK I'm making a choice based on A B and C then find that D E and F were much stronger factors..... the factors I was TRYING VERY hard to avoid all along, you see?
The good news is.... there are always road signs pointing at the truth, if we pay very good attention and dismiss immediately as we go. We get better at recognizing them, once we are aware. We get more selective about what and whom we let into our lives. Thoughts and aquaintances..... we can also learn to "file" them in appropriate places in our hearts and lives. SOmeone may be fun and entertaining to be around.... but they may not deserve a position of trust in our hearts. We file them somewhere safe and we make sure we guard ourselves and keep us safe, for that is self care and our very important job.
Then...... then..... once we've glimpsed and gained, sweated and learned...... we solidify our lessons by sharing them with others. It's the natural progression of learning and I think everyone here is at a different point in their journey so there's so much to be gleaned from each of our struggles. I guess it truly gets better when we've made enough replacements that our lives are weighted with more good than bad.....
Margo
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Aww thanks, TT.
We'll have dorms...James is in the boys' one.
Hee. I am a very lax mother figure, so dunno if it's wise...indulgence is my MO.
(My D thinks I'm an oversensitive wuss.) She pointed it out more nicely than usual last time we had a ftf talk, I just looked at her and said, that's true...I am more sensitive than a lot of people. I'm not ashamed of it, it's the way I'm made. She looked at me kind of puzzled and we stayed peaceful. (I think it was a moment of acceptance, recognition on her part that I'm not made this way specifically to frustrate her.)
So thanks, TT...I'll take it as a good thing!
hugs
MawHops
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You are not defending so much, I think Write. You are letting life in.
Thanks Hops.
I don't think I can explain it any better, and my rambling isn't helping to say what I really mean.
How can I let life in?
I can't live like everyone else and manage this illness.
There's just too many things to consider, everything just has to be at a distance and lived through a space where I can withdraw and protect myself and others when I get sick.
You've just been through a serious transition that really demands grieving,
I think that's exactly it but not for the things like marriage and Nism, as much as i am currently grieving for the most basic things I need to accept- the broken-ness of me.
I'm always going to be bipolar, I'm always going to be damaged by those things which happened beyond even my conscious memories and the neglect.
That's what I noticed about the guy at church, I understood what he was saying very quickly about his own severe early neglect and he thought it had done permanent damage. Others will say therapy and suggestions to fix and he and I both know it's not that easy.
We can't be reparented for that stage, though I believe there have been people tried to develop therapies to do just that. But it's impossible to regress to that place, for it wasn't fully conscious, or it was a different consciousness.
I think deep deep inside I always thought I would be fixed once I peeled away all these levels of knowledge and pain and got to the bottom of it all....
As for success, I am going to go read the article CB suggests in a minute....none of my success is making me feel good about me right now, it's just all become a compulsive thing somehow. Things do that with bipolar, become part of the bipolar pattern.
*******
As for Hops being housemother. Sorry Hops, much as I love you and I know you are a great mother,
That concept of someone being my mother horrifies me on a deep level, I searched for mother-replacements for a long time and of course none of them ever really became my mother, though some became mentors or role models. The whole mother-concept became a metaphor for pain for me. When I hear a piece of music like Taveners Dormition of the mother of G_d, it's very beautiful because it's G_d's mother and I neevr took Mary to be my spiritual mother as some Catholics do.
And I never think of G_d as father eithwer come to think of it.
I couldn't let someone mother me ( or parent me ) if I wanted to. In fact I can barely let anyone look after me at all. Even when I was the most sick I've ever been I didn't trust anyone or want anyone taking care of me.
My friend ( who isn't my friend now ) stayed all night a couple of nights, sleeping opposite me in the chair. Ex came and went and picked up meds and liased with doctors and the psychologist. But I never felt safe unless I was on my own really.
The nicest feeling came when I took the huge doses of clonazepam and slept knowing it would be for hours and quiet and there were no demands on me and most of all- none I could place upon myself.
Right now I feel like I am dying or something horrible is about to happen because I am trying to do the same thing without meds and without being ill- to take time out and rest and recuperate.
******
She has left me down many times but she has also saved me and I am learning to trust her the more I allow myself hear her voice.
wow Axa, that's a powerful image.
this needing to feel safe, is probably related to PTS
absolutely Poetprose.
That's exactly how I feel, like a trauma won't go away. There's this tiny residue of fear and helplessness.
I guess it truly gets better when we've made enough replacements that our lives are weighted with more good than bad.....
Margo thanks, that is so much what i need to be my mantra. It is better than before. It is more good than bad.
My D thinks I'm an oversensitive wuss
better that than an insensitive boor, which we've all had more than enough of.
I feel a bit guilty writing so much down, especially when some people have said they feel ignored this week, and I just don't have anything much to give today.
It really helps to have a place to put stuff, hope other people do the same too, and just write it all down sometimes without wondering who will listen ( or hear )
And that's the biggest acceptance of all I guess for me- there's nothing I can do right now to resolve all this.
I undid it, it's all spilled out, there's no putting it back.
Hopefully it'll ooze away over the next few days....
Maybe that's why we're so resistent to the idea of therapy in the first place!!! One of my managers used to say 'it's easy to get people to open up, it's what you do next that causes problems'.
I was havign weekly therapy but my finances won't allow it over the summer unless I run up debts which i don't want to do right now.
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I just read all this back and ( apart from being horriefied by my fast typing spelling and laziness in not correcting it ) what hits me is how much I miss being really ill now I manage the illness.
At this point of pain and agitation and no resolution I could just slip into it and use alcohol and medication and let all my responsibilities go....wow that's a big admission.
I have heard of models of mental illness as means of escape from relationships or situations....that's what i want. To escape. But it's not healthy and it's not part of my way of life now.
My new psych doctor said i wouldn't be able to choose, the illness would come or not whatever I did.
I'm startign to think that's not true, because it shoudl be here and I did the stuff I thought would prevent it and it's not.
Imagine that too- being in control and totally responsible for yourself after years of get-out-clause....nothing to hold me back.
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Don't you worry or apologize or keep score or be concerned about anybody responding, Write.
IMO, anybody who posts on the board takes NO space from anyone else! This is as level a playing field as we can get in this life.
Just keep being kind to Write...imo, you're having a huge insight about your imperfect-but-better self.
your NON-Mama,
Hops
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Don't you worry or apologize or keep score or be concerned about anybody responding, Write.
IMO, anybody who posts on the board takes NO space from anyone else!
I do try and do things which don't take the power or attention from others, it's something I have to do in my everyday life, I can be overpowering personality-wise.
Thanks Hops and for understanding me.
I'm going though stuff right now which is hard to explain somehow, it's like I deconstructed everything and I haven't quite got new emotional legs to stand on!
They keep collapsing under me....
imperfect-but-better self.
it is better isn't it.
I can't believe I don't drink, don't act out, don't do dangerous relationships, don't self-sabotage and self-destruct.
But it does feel sometimes like not doing anything in comparison with all the drama and tension and relief of tension cycles.
Then I find myself half-way through a movie and laughing, or reading or writing and just being.
Then the peace of mind goes away again....then it comes back.
I guess I'll stabilise eventually!
your NON-Mama,
you are so wonderful!
It will be interesting to see how close I will let people get over the next few months, because my reaction above is typical. I won't let anyone look after me, and people don;t feel needed by me.
I want to stop pushing people away and playing perfection.
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Write,
I just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you that I am rooting for you. What you are saying makes perfect sense to me. I can't tell you what an encouragement it is to see you manage your illness so responsibly.
CB
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Thanks CB.
The complexity of it all overwhelms me sometimes.
I just went to talk to the guy at church, I wanted to make sure everything is okay there before I go back next weekend. One of the things he said with perfect synchronicity was 'if working things out is like peeling an onion, you think there's a centre but when you get there it's just a smaller onion'! Of course we laughed but my Bhuddist friend tried to tell me something similar last year about a concept of eye within an eye....
I can't tell you what an encouragement it is to see you manage your illness so responsibly.
Thanks for sayign that CB.
It's really hard sometimes to do something so hard and no one notices or gives any positive feedback....though the negative feedback comes fast if I were to backslide!!!
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Attitudes, beliefs, direct or indirect messages that we received from our parents or from other significant people in our lives early on may have contributed to the development of imposter feelings. Certain family situations and dynamics tend to contribute to imposter feelings: when the success and career aspirations conflicts with the family expectations of the gender, race, religion, or age of the person, families who impose unrealistic standards, families who are very critical, and families who are ridden with conflict and anger.
http://www.counseling.caltech.edu/articles/The%20Imposter%20Syndrome.htm
Hope that this is not offensive to anybody since you have been so nice and so kind to me, but I believe that the way our parents relate to us create our personality. I guess that if we are insecure we make our children insecure. I don't know. maybe if you check this article you might enllight me more.
No news yet about my tests. CT-HIDA o Monday.
LOve
Lupita
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I was very touched by CB123 because I always minimize my accomplishements. Always!!! I have done many things in my life and always feel inferior anyway. I am a great teacher and I constantly need reasurance, I know I am doing a good job and I feel bad anyway, i came to this wonderful country and still feel low achiever, I speak several languages and still, .......bla bla bla, I can tell you many things, but still I always feel bad. I know I should be more thankful to God for many wonderful things, I have a job, I have a more or less confortable life, I have a very decent car, decent apartment, nice Gym, Literature club, dance classes, lost waight, cannot complain. But still feel bad. It is internal, or maybe chemestry, or who knows what.
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Lupita,
I did not find the article offensive at all, I enjoyed reading it.
cats paw
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I was very touched by CB123 because I always minimize my accomplishements. Always!!! I have done many things in my life and always feel inferior anyway. I am a great teacher and I constantly need reasurance, I know I am doing a good job and I feel bad anyway, i came to this wonderful country and still feel low achiever, I speak several languages and still, .......bla bla bla, I can tell you many things, but still I always feel bad. I know I should be more thankful to God for many wonderful things, I have a job, I have a more or less confortable life, I have a very decent car, decent apartment, nice Gym, Literature club, dance classes, lost waight, cannot complain. But still feel bad. It is internal, or maybe chemestry, or who knows what.
This is a long rambling train of thought...... skip it if you're not really bored, lol.
Reading Lupita's post struck a cord with me. I spend more time feeling empty than I care to dwell on. Some of it's situational but...... some of it I've carried throughout my life. When I concentrate on something positive..... or just begin DOING something I should do or would enjoy doing..... I find I'm better company than anything else I could substitute. It's just getting past the anxiety. Past the habitual knawing of being empty and missing something (I know is related to my FOO.) If I can break out of the habit and DO...... I experience my actual day. I enjoy the moment. I leave yesterday's anxiety and tomorrow's fear behind, which is my goal, isn't it? I very much feel it is.
It takes concetration to focus on what we DO have in our lives and it takes abandoning our constant anxiety, (which causes some anxiety on it's own.) I must say...... there's usually limited time before that tap on my shoulder, anxiety and the feeling of something missing, comes back.
The anxiety was least least prevalent when I lived on my own and took time away from dating and draining relationships, (my sister was newly residing outside the country for instance.) I put energy into starting a business and being proactive, I waxed and detailed my car every weekend, lol...... I was the healthiest and focused on saying NO to EVERYTHING negative. I created a busy positive life and I was very set on doing that.... there was purpose and drive behind it. I went to Europe, I sailed the Bahamas, I vacationed in Palm Beach with my mother and her dh. My hair was WHITE from being happy in the sun.... making money at a new business and working part time in the afternoon and evenings caring for 3 children and their home...... I ran that house well! Detailing bathrooms and the kitchen was walking meditation and teaching those children to eat better and understand important life concepts was important to me. God help me I told those children their mother wasn't really overweight because she'd given birth to them...... (which was what they said she told them.) I explained she had poor eating habits and didn't excercise! Sure enough.... after I cooked and served a healthy meal.... she'd come in the door at 10pm with fried chicken and a big Kroger cake and they'd all sit down and have a second dinner of junk! Needless to say...... she wasn't so very motivated to keep me around. But that was how I saw it and I thought it was evil of her to make those darling children feel guilty for her health. This was one of those situations my mother would say..... "sometimes you can be too right."
Ahhhh.... quite a ramble. If you're still reading.... sorry about the length of this post. It does make me feel better though: )
Back to saying YES to good things. Back to heing capable of identifying them. I continued this streak for a whole summer before I said yes to a relationship I THOUGHT I could control...... but couldn't. And there were real sparks between us, I swear there were. I didn't realize that sparks are a HUGE RED FLAG..... not being able to wipe a silly grin off my face when I meet someone is a BAD thing. For me at least. It was sort of like a drunk just taking a sip, really, lol...... but it was a relationship I knew wasn't long term and I said so right up front. I KNEW I KNEW I KNEW! Of course, as soon as I said this to this man..... said he wasn't ever going to be considered a seriouse suitor, he soon became my first husband. And I'd waited till I was over 30 to take that step too. I couldn't control it once I let him in my life.
I think the same thing happened with this marriage. I knew enough to drive him off in the beginning..... but he was persistent and came back. More than once. He learned what to say and how to say it. I never really learned to guard my boundaries well enough, did I? I only learned how to identify them and set them. ::shaking head:: There's so much more to it but I didn't understand then.
Another red flag.... men who try to turn our NO's... into a YES. In every regard. These men don't respect us. These men can also turn out to be more than just a nightmare relationship. Men who try to change our minds can also turn out to be those that will harm or kill us. Red flags..... we should pay strict attention to them. Set and guard our boundaries.... even if we don't feel we're worthy. Even if we have to fake it till it becomes habit. We can eventually become comfortable with the concept and then we can start believing.
I'm capable of identifying and making better choices. This IS a fact. WE ALL ARE! Part of doing that is saying NO to EVERY bad choice, no if's and or but's about it. I can't just expose myself A LITTLE to something unhealthy and not lose sight of what I'm trying to accomplish. That's the truth. I do so well and then...... I'm doing well for so long I forget how hard I have to remain focused in order to sustain that healthy mindset. I haven't quite solidified all the lessons and it's like falling off the wagon. I guess that's why AA does so well with the Sponsor thing.... they solidify their lessons by mentoring and teaching the one's they've mastered. This board has strength because of this pricipal.
I think relationships are the hardest addiction to break..... maybe? They're certainly very hard to get out of and replace. Sometimes the replacements can be worse than the one we're trying to get free of. But, if we learn to look carefully..... we can see the signs. Listen and don't dismiss. Don't give second chances. Acess, Accept and ACT. It's not like replacing happy hour martinis with racket ball and a book club, now is it? Better to just start making better choices than to have to go through another bad relationship. ::nodding:: Better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship. Alone means we do self work and then.... then.... we choose people to relate to because we want to, not because we need to. ::end rant::
Margo
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Margo,
That was a totally inspiring and incredibly useful rant.
THANK YOU!
Hops
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Good luck for tests Lupita.
I think relationships are the hardest addiction to break..... Sometimes the replacements can be worse than the one we're trying to get free of. ( Margo )
I started reading The Betrayal Bond and there's a lot on there about repeating patterns of traumatic relationships.
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Write,
Just want to say that I really admire you.
axa
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Margo,
That was a totally inspiring and incredibly useful rant.
THANK YOU!
Hops
Thanks Hops.
Margo
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I admire you too Axa, thanks for all the really useful stuff this week.
It's been a funny old week, all over the place emotionally I guess but never completely lost....I really do feel my emotions that's for sure.
Think I'll go walk the dog and swim then it's time for a sleep, I'm singing early church tomorrow.
My car sounds liek something else is breaking. It's been a long working day. Lonmg week. Things are going to be okay.
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Hi WRITE.
[b]I'm going though stuff right now which is hard to explain somehow, it's like I deconstructed everything and I haven't quite got new emotional legs to stand on![/b]
But you will!
tt
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Write,
Keep taking the baby steps, you are doing fine
axa
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Hi Write,
Hope this Sunday is finding you feeling restored.
Hops
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Thanks tt, Axa Hops.
It's been a good day, I met friends at a crawfish festival then ate with my family, had a long chat with my best friend ( his dating problems seem so easily solved I had to hold back the laughter at one point he sounded so anxious about what really is typical nervousness between he and she! ) and now I'm goign to walk the dog, swim and go sleep!
I wish I were more patient. I want patience and I want it now!
Love to everyone