Why Can't Some People Maintain Intimate Relationships
http://www.voicelessness.com/intimacy.html (http://www.voicelessness.com/intimacy.html)
The person's childhood usually provides clues to the problem. Sometimes, people tell terrible stories of abuse and neglect: in these cases one can easily understand why intimacy is avoided. But other times people depict a non-eventful childhood, devoid of conflict or even moments of common unhappiness. When pressed they remember few specific details positive or negative--and this is the rub. When their full story is revealed, it becomes clear the person dulled the abrasive experience of day to day family life by paying little attention. In doing so, they successfully pushed people away and retreated to the safety of their own inner world and preoccupations. This unconscious strategy reduced conflict and guaranteed their emotional survival.
Very often, such a person's parents never entered their world, except in a negative, critical, controlling, or otherwise unempathic way. Many parents were narcissistic: they were so intent upon maintaining their "voice", they completely overwhelmed their children's. As a result, the child retreated to a smaller, safer place where they could maintain agency and find some private satisfaction. Sheltered in this mini-world, the person experienced little shared pleasure and little disappointment.