Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: isittoolate on May 08, 2007, 03:30:31 PM

Title: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 08, 2007, 03:30:31 PM

--yes I rather suspected she was--how? I don't know. Then one came to me with her friend's name in the Cc line, not a BCC  and I knew.

So I wrote to my daughter with an obvious Copy to her friend. I opened with an (Hello to the friend and an couple of short lines) then addressed my daughter.

I have had 2 emails from the friend and none from Daughter. Her friend has told me more than Daughter has--all is well with her is all I knew but I still know my daughter and she is just the same as when a teen, well-loved and respected by colleagues etc and on an on. Also how her work etc is prioritized.

I 'sense' that the friend is telling me to leave Daughter alone (reading between the lines, I am)--something D hasn't said--or doesn't have the nerve?

I don't like this at all.

Izzy

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Overcomer on May 08, 2007, 03:56:36 PM

Well, Iz, I know I share what is going on with my nmom with my best friend - she knows the whole thing.  Now, I can't imagine my friend conversing with my mom.......maybe you could ask your daughter's friends some questions to find out exactly what your daughter is thinking - and maybe she could be your advocate to your daughter??

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Gaining Strength on May 08, 2007, 04:02:27 PM

Izzy, I see that this hurts and I am sorry.  Can you express your concern directly to your daughter?  If she is sending a message "between the lines" via a friend there is too much room for misunderstanding.  Could you ask your daughter if your interpretation is correct?

I really think direct contact - from the horse's mouth might help.

Always longing to see the two of you find a path back together. My thoughts are with you. - GS

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 08, 2007, 04:05:15 PM

Thanks OC

but there is no way---this is a person I have never met and who is 'hositile'

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 08, 2007, 04:07:13 PM

Thanks  GC

Am thinking on it and I see the therapist today.
xx
Izzy

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 08, 2007, 07:49:30 PM

Therapist said to write daughter--leave out friend--just say how hurt and humiliated I feel about my private life being shared with a person, or persons, I don't even know. It's been an invasion of my privacy. How long has she been doing this and why? The element of trust has been badly bent.

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Gaining Strength on May 08, 2007, 08:05:07 PM

What a wise therapist!  I'm so glad you have such a good and trusty counselor.  We all need such a sage in our lives.  I'm glad you have him or her, Izzy.

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 08, 2007, 08:24:16 PM

She's a her, GS, and I too am glad to have her--and that my app't was today.

I was really pi**ed off when I went but calm went I left.

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Gaining Strength on May 08, 2007, 08:58:18 PM

but calm went I left.

I'm so glad Izzy.  How nice it is that your therapist is really therapeutic for you.  Just as is should be.  just as you deserve.  We all deserve more of that in our lives. - your friend - GS

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 08, 2007, 10:35:21 PM

I wrote this:

I am appalled. I am hurt and angry, embarrassed and mortified that you would share my private life with a person, or persons, I do not even know.
 
This is a betrayal on your part to share my emails containing my physical and mental struggles, as well as other details of my life.
 
How long has this been going on and what on earth are you gaining from it?

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: debkor on May 08, 2007, 11:56:22 PM

Izzy,

That would of hurt my feelings too.  I"m sorry.    I know how hard you are trying.


Love
Deb

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 09, 2007, 12:15:50 AM

Thank you Deb

I am hurt and she has crossed a boundary!

Just a wait and see how she replies!
IZ

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: axa on May 09, 2007, 03:49:46 AM

Izzy,

I can imagine how hurtful this is to you.  I think your T is right, direct communication is best.  I am wondering if you can corresponde with your D without expectation............. very hard to do.  Keep the lines of communication open, be real, as you are here.

axa

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Margo on May 09, 2007, 07:16:55 AM

Quote from: isittoolate on May 08, 2007, 03:30:31 PM

--yes I rather suspected she was--how? I don't know. Then one came to me with her friend's name in the Cc line, not a BCC  and I knew.

So I wrote to my daughter with an obvious Copy to her friend. I opened with an (Hello to the friend and an couple of short lines) then addressed my daughter.

I have had 2 emails from the friend and none from Daughter. Her friend has told me more than Daughter has--all is well with her is all I knew but I still know my daughter and she is just the same as when a teen, well-loved and respected by colleagues etc and on an on. Also how her work etc is prioritized.

I 'sense' that the friend is telling me to leave Daughter alone (reading between the lines, I am)--something D hasn't said--or doesn't have the nerve?

I don't like this at all.

Izzy

I think that sensing something isn't knowing something.  It's OK to take a step back and just breath, btw.  You're daughter may need a little time to miss contact with you and appreciate that you're trying to re connect.  She may even discover that blaming you entirely for her mistakes isn't a very productive path. 

In any case, this is interesting that you've struck up a dialogue with the friend.  I'd keep chatting her up and explaining things the way I see them.  She may be able to present it to your daughter in a helpful manner. 

I think you know best what to do.  Heck...... just ask the friend what she thinks.  Or not, lol; )  Margo

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Overcomer on May 09, 2007, 07:18:14 AM

Hz:  I know this hurts but I am going to play the Devil's advocate here.  Even though you are mad and hurt and betrayed, do you think if you reprimand your daughter it is going to help your relationship with her?  I know I have told my mom that I will only talk to her with a witness-because it keeps both her and I from getting ugly with one another.  Maybe you could play the game and tell her you will be sharing your emails with a friend of yours as well-how would that change the dynamics?

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 09, 2007, 01:38:33 PM

Margo

NO! the friend stays out of any of my communications. This is between my daughter and me, and so says the Therapist.


and OC

I received a 2 page email from my daugher last night.  It was honest and straightforward about thiings as she perceived them. In one case she took back everything she had said, in others the fault is mine, and in others we agree.

There is just one item I have to settle so have written her this morning.

Love Izzy

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Overcomer on May 09, 2007, 03:23:00 PM

Good Iz:  I am glad you are getting somewhere.................I hope you are not at me for giving a different point of view.

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 09, 2007, 03:27:01 PM

OC
Not at all

I think when we can run something by someone we trust, we could receive 5 different opinions on how to solve a problem.

I think it is our own choice, our own gut instinct that we follow for the most part, but just sometimes another POV is better.

love
Izzy

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Overcomer on May 09, 2007, 04:36:45 PM

Good cuz I didn't want to make you mad..................I just know that I tell my friend everything and she tells me everything...but she would NEVER let on that she did or email my mom.

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 09, 2007, 05:46:33 PM

Amazing Revelation for Me!!!

Well there you go---telling your friend everything OC---just like my daughter!

Do you have a sister for a confidante?  My daughter doesn't and has her friend who she says is like a sister to her

I have 3 sisters and not one has been a confidante to the other---- I had no confidante at all

Much to my chagrin, I have been using my daughter as a surrogate sister and it never dawned on me until today.  

I am apologizing to her for this and how it must have interfered in our communication.. That's not everything, but imagine--she solved it for me by tellling me that this friend is like the sister she never had...........................

Shamefully, yet happy
Izzy

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Overcomer on May 09, 2007, 05:55:55 PM

You mean you told her everything?  You were more like friends than mother/daughter???  It is true.  My friend and I tell each other everything.  I mean we have always told about our sexcapades.............(not dirty details but almost.....)  She knows about my fights with my husband.  She knows about the on going drama with my mom.  She knows about my kid things.  If I ate too much or had too much to drink.  She knows what I did last night and if I go somewhere.  We talk almost every single day via email or on the phone.  I have known her since 2nd grade....

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 09, 2007, 06:19:39 PM

We shared plenty, but not every gory detail.

She even told me when she got drunk one New Year's --told me that her N husband asked her permission to go to a prostitute-- I told her all about my N and the rages and the fighting, that I was leaving and it took 4 years to leave. She must have been sick of my saying I was leaving!!!!!

And look at all of us here. Strangers sharing our deepest darkest and all my daughter needed was a 'best friend' because she has no sister.

It's one and the same, ALMOST!

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: CB123 on May 09, 2007, 07:08:16 PM

Shamefully, yet happy

Iz, you're the best!  I just think the world of you!

CB

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: isittoolate on May 09, 2007, 07:44:58 PM

Thank you CB
You must have liked my REVELATION!

Only about 23 years too late?

Better late than Never!
xx
Uzzy

Title: Re: daughter sharing my emails with her friend
Post by: Hops guest on May 10, 2007, 03:05:13 PM

Izzzzz!

You got me all choked up again.
I can't IMAGINE how much this means to you...positive or negative, a 2-page letter from your D is connection.

And then your revelation on top...gravy!

Wee caution because I care (as do we all): Try not to get overexcited or swamp her with intimacy now...this is a tender time. So my humble advice is, let her set the pace and quantity of communication, follow her lead.

It's like a bird...gone from the feeder to the edge of your chair...no big movements...

(I don't think it's all that fragile, really.)

I am so happy for you!

Hops