Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: teartracks on May 30, 2007, 11:52:21 PM
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Hi Everyone,
I rarely share my everyday life on the board, but decided maybe I should now. First there are some really good threads I'm following and would like to respond but can't, or at least not very consistently. My mom has taken two falls in a week. Thankfully no broken bones, but swollen joints and those crepey skin tears. Tonight was a trip to the hospital to get one of them glued back. The previous fall nicked a couple of already delicate places on her legs. Those are leaking. She is on hemocyte for anemia. Her legs are swelling (something new), so we elevated the foot of her bed.
I've have Shingles. Then in a freak accident, I lost control of a cup of very hot liquid from the microwave that landed on a very delicate place above my waste. That left me with second degree burns on my left side and Shingles on the right. This week from hell began almost the very hour I began a fairly large remodeling project on a piece of rental property. I'm simply exhausted. I'll be checking in though and wishing everyone the best on the path to woleness. My mom and myself stand in the need of prayer. And the nice workers on the remodeling project, as well.
tt
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Good lord, TT, I'm so sorry!
What a trail of trials.
It's devastating work you're doing with your mother, it must be so hard to hold on.
(So you dropped something?) I'm so sorry you got hurt.
Many of my wobbly prayers coming your way, but from
a steady heart.
Please take very good care of yourself now.
Let others take some of the load for your Mom.
She can understand. In the strong part of her that's not her body,
she would wish comfort for you too.
love
Hops
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So sorry your're having such a rough go right now. Not only are you dealing with your mother's issues, and helping her with the pain and horror of it, you're not completely tip top yourself.
You have the remodel project hanging over you.
I've had all of those problems, complete with burning my belly with hot liquid at 8mo pregnant, but never all those stresses together. ((((teartracks))))
I'm sending prayers for you and your mom. And just a little one that hopes your sub contractors are capable and working quickly.
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Oh, Teartracks,
I'm so sorry about your week! That's too much to have to deal with at one time!
Praying for excellent doctors for you and your mom who can ease your suffering and get you both on the road to recovery. And many, too, for the workers--no delays, and much attention to detail. '''
Life is going to be so smooth when you get past this, TT! :?
Love,
CB
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Dear TT,
Everything is happening at once. When it rains, it pours.
Please try to not allow the stress to get to you any more than it has. Is there anything you can doto reduce your stress?
Sending you and your mother healing thoughts.
Love,
Sally
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((((TT)))) You have so much going on right now. I'm sending prayers for you and your mom and hope you both recover soon. I hope you are able to find some time to rest.
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TT, I'm adding you in with Sela and Stormy. I don't know why but it feels good to have people to pray specifically for.
Pennyplant
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Dearest board Friends,
Hops, Lighter, CB, Ami, Sally, MS, & PP
Thank you so much for your, kindness, encouragement and prayers. Today looks and feels like a better day. Please hold me and my mom up in your prayers a few more days.
Love,
tt
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Wow, TT, when it rains it pours. All of these things together must be such a challenge. It all sounds exhausting. I wish you well and will hold you in my thoughts. I hope posting/venting/sharing here helps ease your mind at least a little.
Green
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Oh ((((((((((tracks))))))))))
praying for you
am going to PM you about burn treatment options
((((((((((tracks))))))))))
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Glad to hear you had a better day. I'm sending good vibes your way again tonight.
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((Teartracks))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I would say things can't get worse... but then it will start raining like in the movies, I am sure. Poor thing. The shingles and burn must be so painful. And your mom... Too much to handle all at once.
Can you get a small break and do something for yourself??? Can you go to Barnes and Noble and drink an (iced) coffee and read a good book?????
I will be thing of you and praying you feel better quickly.
Love, Beth
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Dear Ones,
Your kind expressions of support and prayers have fallen on a truly needy heart. I felt a tiny bit better today. Storm, thanks for the PM about burn care. Thanks to each and every one of you. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
tt
PS There's a blue moon tonight, enjoy!
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Hope your day is a bit brighter today Teartracks.
On burncare, I don't do anything past putting silvadene cream on, then those very expensive 3M bandages that are thick and waterproof. By the time they fall off, things are healed.
If I don't do that I have to go through all the seeping and pain over and over again when things get wet. Ugh.
My thoughts are with you.
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From the mouth of a very wise women, Rosanna Rosanna Danna, "It is always something, if it is not one thing it's another!"
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TT
how are you now?
Iz
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Hi Iz,
The virus really zapped me. I'm up and walking, but have no energy to do tasks. Feeling a tiny bit better each day. Thank you for asking. As I understand it, recovering from Shingles can take up to a month. My entire immune system is compromised from stress and I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I don't know much about burn wounds and have no idea how long it will take for it to heal. I'm not accident prone. It was just a freaky accident. Our Microwave is on a cramped pantry shelf. When I took the cup of hot water out, I accidentally hit the door facing to the pantry. It bounced right back on me and scalded my left b**b. :x
tt
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When my grandmother had shingles the Doctor said she could have taken drugs to shorten duration and symptoms. She wouldn't go see him in time though and she had an awful experience. I hope you've seen your doctor and taken meds if they'll help you.
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Praying for you tt!
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TT,
I am so sorry that you are having to wrestle with all these things at once. It does seem as though when these things happen they happen in bunches! :(
Many hugs to you and hopes for a restful weekend.
Love
CB
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DearTT,
It is hard to keep up your spirits when you don't feel well. I am so sorry that you are going through this, If you are a natural health believer, PM me and I could give you some natural health ideas.
I am praying for you and do feel in my heart that all willturn out well,I really do . It reminds me of the saying"In the meantime,it's a mean time". Love and Hugs Ami
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lighter, camper, CB and Ami,
Thank you for all your prayers and good wishes.
lighter, as soon as I realized I had Shingles, I went online and saw that early treatment could help a lot. Based on what I read, I thought I'd crossed the time threshold for treatment to be effective. I hope there is not a next time, but if there is, hopefully I'll recognize the symptoms. Looking back, I had symptoms at least two weeks before the blisters popped up.
This makes me want to counsel each one here who has made a decision to remain in 'relationship' with an N, you must be proactive in taking care of yourself. Living with a sick or well N equals mega stress. I haven't been proactive in taking care of myself, even though I have been warned that I should. I've told the story here before that I grew up on a dirt farm. We had a mule, Maude. Maude the faithful! For sufficient ears of corn, a little hay and an acre to graze, she was always there available to have 'designer' gear thrown over her frame. N's treat you like a beast of burden, often as chattel. They will never reciprocate in a way that restores what they take.
Y'all take care of yourselves!
OK. Lecture finished!
tt
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wOW TT,
I needed to be reminded of that with my H . One of the worst things about not feeling well is being discouraged. When I had the flu for 3 weeks, I thought that I would never feel well,again. I needed someone to tell me- "You will. It will pass even though it does not feel that way now."
I am praying for you and I see you well in my 'Minds Eye". . It might just take some time.
Love and Big Hugs Ami
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I want a mule to love. I've been daydreaming about puppies a lot. Arrgh.
Thanks for the Maude story, TT...
I am so sorry about shingles. If it's any comfort, my Dad had them when he was far older than you, and he did recover fully with no lingering symptoms or after-neuropathy. I do hope that's true for you too, and I don't think 2 weeks is too late for medical help to have an impact. You have seen a doctor???
GOOD care to you, and thank you for the reminder about self-care. I've really let it slip.
love
Hops
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((((TT))))))))))))
again.
We had a horse called Maude.
Also King, M____, Mack and Pearl ( I thought I was named for that second horse!)
All the cows had names. I remember Sylvia was a rebel.
Getting down to smaller animals, I/we had to help Dad kill them
(--sledgehammer to the head of a calf, slit the throat of a pig, drown newborn kittens, shoot the grown barn cats that caught that cat disease____?)
yukkkk
(Pearl went blind but she could still "Gee" and "Haw")
Izzy
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Iz,
Y'all had three horses and more than one cow! You were rich!!! We only had one of each.
Hops,
Funny you mentioned that you want a Mule to love. Here's a recent Maude story. When I was sixteen and graduating HS, my parents sold the farm and moved us to the city (I always say that I've been warped ever since). That meant I had to change schools in my senior year, but that never registered as important with them. When I showed signs of a 'nervous breakdown', they sent me back to my grandparents, who owned the adjoining farm to finish the few remaining weeks. Well, the other day while having lunch at home with mom, I got to thinking about Maude and how I'd not said goodbye to her (she was sold with the farm). I was overcome with grief. I almost burst into tears, but again having been taught so well to control my emotions, I only allowed myself to tear up. It all makes me understand how important it is to grieve our *losses. Also, how important it is for things to be done in decency and order. It would have been orderly and decent for our parents to explain to us kids about selling the farm, leaving the familiar things, the animals, how things would be different, very different. I'm not blaming them. It's just an observation and a lesson and a tool to help me do life better from here out.
Maude. I know she is in Mule heaven. You would have loved her!
tt
Add in: *It's equally important to celebrate our gains. I think we do that in part by being grateful.
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The story about Maud the Mule being a beast of burden, for a few ears of corn and the right to graze, really is about how N's treat people in their lives.
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Ami,
Glad the reminder to take care of yourself registered. It's so true. Those of us who are born to an N or who have for whatever reason succomed to an N can be extremely vulnerable, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is very unusual for us not to be under attack in one or all of those categories. So we must be mindful of our body, our mind and our spirit. We must nurture them individually and corporately. I'm wishing you the very best.
tt
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To Everyone,
I'm glad y'all liked the little tribute to Maude. She deserved it and more. She was so faithful. Unlike Iz's horses, Maude never had a mule playmate, she must have been lonely sometimes.
tt
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It makes me very sad to picture myself as Maude, lol. I can remember my sister saying she'd meet me somewhere in highschool then never showing up. She actually did this all through our lives, and would still if I allowed it.
I'd still be standing there all by myself after whatever event was over and I'd see her later, surrounded by admirerers and having fun. She never even gave a thought about me faithfully waiting alone, I'd have never left just in case she was looking for me, ya know? I was worried something happened to her or that she was lost, lol.
It seems like she causes confusion on purpose, and not just for me. For everyone involved in her life really. I think I was just the one most affected.
Anyway, I identify with your story.
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My beloved cyber friends,
Yesterday was the worst day of my recent illness. Slept 20 our of 24 hours. Amazingly, today, I feel like I have 'whooped' that virus and on my way back to feeling well again. Thanks to each one who remembered me in your prayers, wrote encouraging messages, and gave me excellent remedies for healing the burn wound. For all of your kindness, thank you, thank you, thank you!
tt
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((((Lighter))))
There's plenty of Maude in me too, but thank god, I don't feel forlorn any more.
Hold on to the plow, Lighter, you will reach the end of the field and you'll not be working alone.
TT, I'm so so glad you've just about nailed the shingles.
(Shoot me if I pun again...)
heehaw,
Hops
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Keep on gettiing better, TT
That was good news.
And hops must stop nailing your shinlges!!!
(funnnnneeeee(
Izzy
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Glad you're feeling better TT. What did you do for the burn that worked anyway?
Hops, thanks for the nice reply about Maude.
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Hi lighter,
The burn...Well our in house doctor Ms Stormchild PM'd me and instructed me to apply Ester C lotion twice a day. It was very soothing. The other suggestion was to dab the would with original Listerine twice a day. In addition to that, I applied Neosporin once a day. It all worked very well. I'll be left with some scaring, but that's OK. I just want to heal and get back to my projects. Someone else suggested Silvadine. I think it would have been a perfectly good remedy, especially for where the wound was leaking. But it requires a prescription. I never made it to the doctor.
The Shingles virus is what put me in the bed for a week. I still have scabs, but tey are dry and not painful except if touched. I had a bout of diverticulosis the last four days. I'm so greatful for the human machine which is so capable of healing itself if we exercise good judgment and take good care of ourselves.
Unfortunately, coming from the backgrounds most of us come from here, symptoms and illnesses that are similar from person to person are common.
Thanks again for your encouragement...
tt
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I have a doc friend who said the burn won't leave lasting scars unless it went through all layers of skin. I thought for sure I'd be scarred. I wasn't. Yous will probably go away too.
Note to self: Ask that same doc for silvadene burn cream Rx. Amazing stuff.
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lighter,
Am going to doctor today. Will ask for the Silvadene. Thanks for that tip. I still have the second degree part that is healing. So not entirely home yet with any of it, but feeling so much better on all fronts.
Thanks,
tt
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DearTT,
I am so glad that you are better. I could see you(in my mind's eye) better and doing well. I am so happy about that! Hugs to you Ami
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Dear lighter,
Got the Silvadene. Never knew before that it is a must have on the medicine shelf. Thanks so much. All in all Doctor gave me a good report. :)
Ami, thank you for your vision for my healing. It's happening and it all seems to be doing it on target.
tt
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TT....
Hoorah for the good report from the doctor!!! I'm glad you're feeling better and hope for continued healing for you. Take care.
MS
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YW TT.
Glad doc said you're healing well. Good news.
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Thanks to each one who participated in my care when I was down. I'm not used to what happened. It all hit me out of nowhere. And is taking its good easy time leaving. CFS is what I think accounts for the awful feeling of tiredness and an unbearable back pain on my right upper quadrant. Sure enough that's where the Shingles popped out. I take my vitamins, eat well, try to exercise, it is my weakest link. My main thing is that after all the studying I've done, I am still enmeshed with my mother emotionally. To fix that would require that I go NC. As I've said before, I must take the actions now that I can live with the rest of my life. That is, take care of my mom's needs for doctor's appointments, dressing wounds, help with baths, help with driving, keeping up with apppointments, their results, monitor meds, refill meds. It never stops. WE, my brother and I are working on a two week plan where he will take her to his house to give me a break. I need a month at least. I have a few offers on vacation homes in the mountains that sound lovely. I'm hoping for one of those right by myself to come down and prepare for being with regular people for a wile.
The nephew is still here. I think he thinks I'm his housekeeper, but I'm not. Tomorrow, we will probably shake that down. We need to be on a schedule where the common areas should be divided and kept clean by the one designated to it. He can keep his room the way he wishes, bt once he steps out of it, he's responsible to keep it clean, dusted and presentable. Same with mey half. Meal cooking is touchy. Mom still cooks a little. Nephew cooks a little. I cook seldome. I think I'll leave the cooking to them from start to finish.
Nephew also has to start supplying his own toiletries.
My brother gave me absolute permission to kick him out at the first hint of misbehavior or using.
I'm bleary eyed. Maybe tis will make sense. I love you all.
tt
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Thanks to each one who participated in my care when I was down. I'm not used to what happened. It all hit me out of nowhere. And is taking its good easy time leaving. CFS is what I think accounts for the awful feeling of tiredness and an unbearable back pain on my right upper quadrant. Sure enough that's where the Shingles popped out.
tracks, did you have CFS before? Did I miss that? Or is this a new development?
I take my vitamins, eat well, try to exercise, it is my weakest link.
Best thing to do for CFS and also the hardest.
My main thing is that after all the studying I've done, I am still enmeshed with my mother emotionally. To fix that would require that I go NC. As I've said before, I must take the actions now that I can live with the rest of my life. That is, take care of my mom's needs for doctor's appointments, dressing wounds, help with baths, help with driving, keeping up with apppointments, their results, monitor meds, refill meds. It never stops.
It never will, tracks. This is a lifetime commitment and they do little or nothing to make it easier for their caregivers. You must make self-care as much of a priority as other-care. What you've just been through is a 'shot across the bow'. Please, please heed the message.
We, my brother and I are working on a two week plan where he will take her to his house to give me a break. I need a month at least. I have a few offers on vacation homes in the mountains that sound lovely. I'm hoping for one of those right by myself to come down and prepare for being with regular people for a wile.
Is there 'respite care' where you live? It's a county by county thing in most states, I think. You might be able to arrange for an additional week or so with a caregiver...
The nephew is still here. I think he thinks I'm his housekeeper, but I'm not. Tomorrow, we will probably shake that down. We need to be on a schedule where the common areas should be divided and kept clean by the one designated to it. He can keep his room the way he wishes, bt once he steps out of it, he's responsible to keep it clean, dusted and presentable. Same with mey half. Meal cooking is touchy. Mom still cooks a little. Nephew cooks a little. I cook seldome. I think I'll leave the cooking to them from start to finish.
Nephew also has to start supplying his own toiletries.
My brother gave me absolute permission to kick him out at the first hint of misbehavior or using.
I'm bleary eyed. Maybe tis will make sense. I love you all.
tt
It all makes sense, what doesn't make sense is how your nephew got dumped on top of you when you already had mamma to look after. If he acts up, boot him, tracks. If he stays, he ought to carry his own weight, and provide some actual help to you around the house.
You're flirting with burnout here, and I hate to see it happening to you. You can only do so much, you can only carry so much other weight in addition to your own. Please take care of yourself.
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Hi TT...
Please don't reach the end of your string.
Nephew's outta there soon, I hope. This you do not need.
As to your mother, well hon...I have learned I can live with No.
I feel sad for her, this is a no-fun chapter, but I think she knows that if she doesn't work hard enough to walk stably again, she won't be coming home.
Even she knows that this isn't good for me, on some level. I visit her very briefly in the evenings and she no longer clamps on to try to hold me back. She can tell I'm very tired. Sometimes, to others, she blames me that she's "incarcerated" right now.
But I think I've been getting very very very close to the end of my string. Noone is rescuing me, I've paid in health, and too much. So I'm firming my resolve for the next phase, hard as it may be.
I hope you can too. I never expected to ache so much, so early.
I'm glad you're healing but please don't push your luck, hon. It does run out.
love
Hops
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Well tt
I had no idea you have CFS. It sounds you still have a lot on your hands. I don't remember the nephew, but it appears you have the arrangement in order.
How are you now? I'm a few days late responding to your post. I'm working on my own arrangements for me, and I am just me. I couldn't handle 3-4 others.
Take Care
Love
Izzy
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Hi Friends,
Ya'll are too good to me, but WOW, have I needed your kindnesses. I'm still not hitting on all cylinders. A tiny bit of energy increase day to day.
Nephew is gone. I didn't have to 'invite' him to leave for which I'm thankful. He professes to have gone to get his life and belongings in order. I wish him well.
CFS - that is a leftover from Mono about four years ago. Mono whooped my butt. Its legacy is two bouts with Shingles, achy joints, a spot inside my right chest that feels like a golf ball size molten lava. My doctor says my brain receptors are resistant (his best guess) to pain medications, even the heavy duty ones. So me and Aleve have become good friends.
Mom's ulcer is still just sitting there not doing much. The glued skin tear on her arm is miraculously healing.
Remodel project is about 90% done. Hope to have it ready for a happy renter by July 1.
I'm realizing that so much of my energy is spent trying to keep my mom alive. About others and society at large, I've often said, People need to be given back the right to die. It's easy to make a general statement like that, but for me in this situation, it's not easy. I feel like it's my responsibility to keep her alive. Will I ever stop being the 'fixer'! Not easy! I'm working on it though. I'm working on adopting the idea that I must, as my brother says, Get ready, it's coming.
My brother and I are working on a July 1 deadline to get her to his house and me either resting here or taking off to a mountain house. It would be nice to just rest here for two weeks, then take off to a retreat for another two. That's what I'm hoping for.
Thanks to each one for extending your best wishes and prayers. You're all precious to me.
Mud and Hops, you two made me smile today with your goofy humor! Thanks. :D
You must make self-care as much of a priority as other-care. What you've just been through is a 'shot across the bow'. Please, please heed the message.
I hear you loud and clear, Storm. I must take care of me.
CB, Thanks for your encouragement.
Iz, Some 'experts' deny that CFS is real. I know that it is. Until I got Mono, I never had joint pain, or the tiredness I experience now. I was beset with it overnight. I went to bed one night joint pain free and woke up aching from head to tow. Even the tissue on my bones ached. Bizarre!
lighter, MS, Ami, you are dear to me. All 'O ya'll are...
tt
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Tracks, I'm 'a'gonna PM you a magical mystical ulcer cure... :-) for your mom. You might want to try it yourself. It's loverly.
:-) :-) :-)
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Sorry for all you're going through, TT.
Wishing you a speedy exit from your suffering and a return of full health, even extra energy!
Sela
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A bit more explanation.
I'm realizing that so much of my energy is spent trying to keep my mom alive. About others and society at large, I've often said, People need to be given back the right to die. It's easy to make a general statement like that, but for me in this situation, it's not easy. I feel like it's my responsibility to keep her alive. Will I ever stop being the 'fixer'! Not easy! I'm working on it though. I'm working on adopting the idea that I must, as my brother says, Get ready, it's coming.
What I was alluding to is that three or four of my mom's falls (I've lost count) have been when she insists on gardening and pulling a garden hose across the yard. She's not able to separate what used to be normal activity for her and what absolutely can't be normal behavior now. On the one hand, I spend all my time worrying and trying to keep her alive by reminding her not to do certain things, while she does the exact opposite. Eventually her boneheadedness will cause her to fall again and break a major bone. I know because I've been in the 'business' of elder care this will reap vicious consequences. Oh the value of mutuality - just considering the other person! She is showing signs of mild dementia, but she KNOWS what she is doing. She was an incorrigible child and is now an Ncorrigible adult.
tt
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DearTT,
CFS is very real. I have heard that it can be brought on by extreme stress. I think that a long time ago, I was on the verge of having it.It was a time of awful stress and betrayal. by my M and H.
I encourage you to keep writing and sharing on the board. You have a group of people who have wonderful wisdom and love .. I think that you need these qualities right now.
I truly cannot imagine taking care of my N mother in your situation. I don't remember if your mother is an N. However, you said that you have an enmeshed relationship.
My mother was so mean to me whenever I needed her. I think that I would "beat her to death" if I were in your situation.. I can only imagine how awful it is to have all those emotions and have to "care take " also.
Truly, you are a hero. I would suggest to find all the outlets that you need that would help you emotionally. This board is an excellent one. .
Since you have decided to take care of your mother, I would keep trying to 'express" my true emotions whenever I could. It will be like a release of steam from a pressure cooker. I think that you should try to express whatever feelings you have even if they are not"pretty"
I have you in my prayers,TT.((((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Sela, Thank you for wishing me even extra energy. Now that would be wonderful! :D
Ami, You are such a good encourager. I have no doubt that the health problems I'm experiencing are stress related. I'm in the process of changing some of my mind sets, like that it is not my responsibility to keep my mom alive. I'm only responsible (because I've chosen to caretake her) to do my part right. You are right. The board helps tremendously in many ways, but for now, it's helping me see some things clearer and for sure encouraging. Thank you my dear.
tt
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Glad to hear your mother's arm is healing and your houseguest hit the trail.
Sorry your still not feeling well and have no energy for yourself.
Maybe that well earned vacation will be just what the doctored orderd to recharge and restore your batteries?
In any case, I'm glad your brother is helping facilitate time off for you. I'm so glad your looking forward to it and getting excited.
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TT
Wishing you strength and peace,
axa
Oh and better health
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Hi TT,
I've been steeling myself against the inevitable fall too.
Horrible thing to have to learn, but I guess it's like being a soldier.
Nerves of steel.
It's pitiful, but I spent exhausting hours upon hours trying to persuade her to walk regularly so that she could continue to walk...and it became a power struggle, and I finally realized I would have to quit, and if/when she had a bone-breaking fall, I would dial 9-1-1 again and hold her hand and be compassionate while we wait for the familiar young EMTs.
That's it. If she's home again, I will not live in a state of alarm again. The body is not willing.
hugs to you TT, hope you REST...
Hops
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Hi My Blessed Friends,
I wanted to give an update on what has been going on with me.
The week from hell was bad. It turned out to be more like a month from hell. Then things got a little better. The expenses on the remodel doubled what I expected because I was sick and couldn't supervise, nor could I do my own 'to do' list, which would have been a big money saver. It is rented as of Friday. So halleleua! It's a start to recouping some of my outlay.
The dental thing - the bridge that had come unglued...Well that turned out to be something! My beloved dentist was sure he could lift the whole thing out, treat the anchor teeth and drop it right back in. I've never experienced anything like it before, but the procedure he used was to use a kind of upside down jack hammer that gave a pretty good jolt to the bridge to loosen it. The bridge is in the bottom. Lo and behold, the second anchor tooth just wouldn't give way. He was so embarrassed and apologietic. Said that in his career as a dentist ( 30 plus years ) that mine was the second one he couldn't at least get to come out using the same procedure. That darned second tooth wouldn't give at all. It has come down to cutting the bridge away and rebuilding it. That means I'll be spending thousands instead of the hundreds I would have spent if the damned thing would have come out. So I'm left with it in place because I decided I'd rather have the old bridge than a temporary while I go on vacation. So replacing it has been delayed because changing my time away would be next to impossible. My mouth is sore. Can't chew normally. You know the frustration, right?
YES! I have the month of July apart from my mother. She has the month of July apart from me. I took her to my brothers Sunday. He and his wife will be caring for her.
The mountain retreat worked out. I'll be alone, away from the familiar, and hopefully pretty much invisible to the others in the area while there. Being alone is what re-energizes me. That is next week. After that, I have no plans, except to follow my nose and do things that hopefully will relieve the exhaustion I feel.
One thing I'll be doing is visiting Carl Sandburgs home. His wife loved goats. I hear it is well worth the few hours it takes to tour it. I love goats, (would love to have a goat dairy), so I really look forward to that.
My mom's anemia has been corrected. She is feeling stronger, but is still rather frail. The leg ulcer is still just sitting there, but the inflamation has abated. The arm skin tear, which has healed pretty well, now has two smaller ones around it. She can't remember how she got those. She declared to me a few days ago that her memory was just as sharp as it was when she was 18. She still gets in her car and drives. She has had a few spells of confusion. Could be low potassium. We keep bananas in the house for that.
I've learned an important lesson. I've learned that up to now, my every waking minute has been spent trying to keep my mom alive. What was I thinking? There is an obvious conflict of purpose. I want to keep her alive and safe. Her purpose is to interject something into each day that is meaningful to her and redeems the little time she has left. Coming from a farm background dictates that she do things she loved doing when she was younger. That gives her meaning, but puts her at a much higher risk for a dibilitating, even deathly fall. Hence, the falls while gardening and watering things on the outside.
I need to internalize this new understanding, that is, it is not my responsibility to keep her alive. I'm responsible to do what I can. Keeping her alive is not one of my I can's. The problem is that I haven't internalized this new thinking. I hope to accomplish that while I'm away. I need time for one on one with God. I need to apologize to Him for my foolish thinking and to hear His comforting assurance and love.
I need to do what Day Lily talked about in her post today. I need to forgive myself for being disappointed in myself for my failures along life's path. I had done some of that, but her post reminded me that it is an unfinished work. Thank you Day Lily.
Anyway, I'll be kind of scarce over the next three weeks.
For all who took the time to console, advise me and intercede at the throne of God on my behalf, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My best love,
tt
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I need to do what Day Lily talked about in her post today. I need to forgive myself for being disappointed in myself for my failures along life's path. I had done some of that, but her post reminded me that it is an unfinished work. Thank you Day Lily.
Dear TT. I see you as having bravery and grace. You probably se yourself differently( as the above post says). We have a filter which sees the failures. Why? Maybe with me, I compare myself to all the "perfect people" my mother told me were out there.
I see myself as losing my core at 14 and making stupid mistakes from then on. If I would have retained my core, I think that I would have been all right If I had a core, I would not have married an abusive manand I would not have spent a lifetime trying to get my mother to love me. However, I only found God b/c I was so broken. Maybe,it is like that Chinese proverb with the man and the horse.
TT,it seems like you found God, The troubles of his life are nothing compared to the glory that lies ahead.I hang on to this when I am forlorn. I will be praying for you on your trip. Love Ami
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Hi Tracks,
I hope you have a great time on your mountain retreat. I wonder if your brother could do this more often for you. These breaks sure do help. Enjoy yourself, TT.
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Hi Ami, MS & CB,
Just wanted to say thank you for your kind encouragement, cyber fellowship and good suggestions. I'll be leaving no later than Wednesday to the calm, coolness of the mountains. I've worked in a frenzie this week trying to get the tyrannical urgent things behind me so I don't have to worry after I leave.
Love to y'all. You mean a lot to me.
tt
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TT,
Cool mountain breezes, the sweet faces of wildflowers,
the peace of earth and rock to you...and vistas to see.
And hopefully a wonderful porch.
hugs
Hops
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Wishing you a wonderful, healing trip,TT. Enjoy God's beautiful handiwork, Friend Love Ami