Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: oc on May 31, 2007, 05:33:11 PM
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Well, I was talking to my mom and we had a pretty good exchange - as I was talking I got choked up, not because it was worth choking, I just get emotional when I have to talk with my mom.......
So I was telling her that my life was full of stress. One stressor was my finances. The other stressor was having an autistic child and having to work while she was at home bombing the house with toys. Another stressor was having an alcoholic husband and another stressor was my weight. I told her the BIGGEST stressor was working with her..........
So we calculated what I owed on cars and reserve checking and credit cards and she handed me a huge check to get out of debt!!!
Then she told me she was going to back out of the business.
Then she told me I should take a raise at work.
Then she told me I could work two days a week during the summer....
WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE HAVE YOU PUT MY N MOTHER???
I am so relieved right now knowing I am going to save about $1000 a month in car payments and credit card payments. I won't have NSF fees because I will have my reserve checking paid off. I am also going to make my reserve checking a lot less. Enough so I don't bounce checks but not enough to go into debt over!!
Today is a GOOD day!!
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<Smiling> that was such a nice post to read. I hope you continue getting along with your mother.
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Oc
Very Good!
Do you have it on tape, on paper, signed and notarized ? :lol:<grin> :lol:
Wow she cooperated and no anger? :shock:
Love
Izzy
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OMG, OC!!!
So fabulous. A miracle?
Love,
sally
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Excellent excellent excellent
Now get that check in the bank...
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It's in the bank but I cannot access it until June 9 - it's really quite big. Anyway, I have never thought my mom was "evil" just self absorbed. I have often said she won't just give, you have to ask and appear to be in dire straights. This brings out her "savior" complex. She loves "saving" people. She is loaded so it didn't hurt her. I don't expect her to EVER admit that she has a problem and maybe by being nice to me she figures I will stop leaning on her to change. It will never happen. Really we get along as long as everything goes her way and as long as she doesn't pour on the "i get what I want because IIIIIII want it!!" I will be fine.
I think she realizes that she is losing her edge and cannot keep juggling all the balls in the air, AND take care of my dad whose health is gradually going down hill. Diabetes, heart, small strokes, etc.
So I am hoping I am not making this conditional love and acceptance - as long as she does what IIIIIII want then I will be nice to her - that seems a little N and I want to be wary of turning into a conditional love type person!
But all in all, the money she gave me will pay off every credit card, cars etc. The only debt I will have is the mortgage on the house!!
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Dear Kelly,
It sounds like such a huge relief for you and I am so happy that good things are coming your way.
Many Hugs, Ami
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Congrats, Kel.
I remember my own mother only backed off her money-power-house/no house trip with me when I was desperate enough and she had literally driven me over the edge. I no longer cared about the power game, and then she abruptly quit.
It's shocking. If they can let go that easily, why torment someone for so long? Why reduce your own adult child to a quivering heap of heartbroken rage before you yield?
It's kind of overwhelming to contemplate, but however they get there, sometimes they do get there, and thank heaven.
Maybe you could set aside half of that $1000/month as an emergency savings fund, and let that pile up? You've said things are quite rough with your husband, and you've got big challenges with your son, too...
(((OC)))) you're O-Cing!
Hops
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I'm very wary of pouring cold water on this thread, as it sounds so good, and I don't know all of the background as I've only been on this forum for less than a month, but...
My NMum lent me money at times, gave me money at other times...there was always such a big payback in terms of things I was expected to do for her, that I wonder what your mother's motivation is? You say it's such a surprise, but you have been trying to leave the job, haven't you? How much will you owe her for, after this HUGE 'gift'?
I'm sorry to be such a wet blanket, I'm just being cynical.
Janet
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Janet, I was cynical too, I just did it on a different thread because Beth, bless her, created one. I don't have the right to speak for Kelly, of course, but speaking for myself, it's good to have all viewpoints represented, because -
the hook and line that the Ns keep us on is hope, the hope that they will change, and so whenever they do something that looks as though it's evidence of the change we hope for, we tend to drop our defenses because we want so badly for it to be true.
Then they REALLY have us.
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OC,
at risk of jumping in as a relatively uninformed newbie...
is it possible to be both optimistic and careful? it does indeed sound like happy news that will give you some financial freedom that you so deserve. Would it also be helpful and prudent to get some of the agreement on paper (as isittoolate suggested with smiles)? Like whether this sum of money is a gift or loan, when or if you are expected to pay it back, etc. Who has the power to give you a raise? are there conditions? Are there foreseeable strings attached? No pressure to answer these questions here - I am just tossing around ideas.
Don't get me wrong, I am super happy at your news, but I also think some practical precautions might be in order.
Good luck,
green
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it's shocking. If they can let go that easily, why torment someone for so long? Why reduce your own adult child to a quivering heap of heartbroken rage before you yield?
It's kind of overwhelming to contemplate, but however they get there, sometimes they do get there, and thank heaven.
Exactly, Hopalong. My T said this type of behavior is all about control: The NM wants to keep control thru $. But, yes, AMEN, when they finally give.
the hook and line that the Ns keep us on is hope, the hope that they will change, and so whenever they do something that looks as though it's evidence of the change we hope for, we tend to drop our defenses because we want so badly for it to be true.
Exactly, Stormchild. This is why kids of Ns are so messed up.
Maybe us N offspring need to learn to just say "thank you" and act as if no strings are attached. No guilt: it's a gift. Period.
But, OC, nonetheless, am happy for you. The money gives you some relief. It's up to you whether YOU will allow your NM to guilt you into doing things against your will.
Savour the moment (and the KASH!!!!!).
Love,
Sally
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For many years I delp obligated-now I do not allow her to put strings. I will thank her but not allow a sense of obligation to take away my soul. I googled has lighting and boy does mom fit the bill-I am going to forward it to her.
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I know she will never admit she is part of the problem-but I will not accept her saying that I need counseling to get over my instability. It is just too easy for her to point to me as the one with the problem.
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Today I went to a support group meeting which is a requirement before surgery. I am jumping through all the hoops and am moving forward despite all the negative feedback. And the job? The lady basically told me I had it but I have yet to hear back from her. I would like to have a feather in my cap but I feel pretty good about my job right now-the financial pressure is off so I will be better for awhile.
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Plus my mom seems to be actually making strides to move along-I told her I did not trust her and she acknowledged that so for now I am ok where I am.
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Your situation is different from mine because I live far away from mine. Also, Thank God, I do not work for her or interact closely with her.Your mother does not sound as bad as mine,either.
N's are on a continuum, I think.My H has N qualities. However, his father was a Super N-worse than my mother.
My mother has a psychotic world view . I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I try to share it with her-which I chose to since age 14- then I am crazy as a loon,which I was. If I reject it, she wants to kill me.
I don't think that your mother is this bad. Also, with mine, she uses the therapy to justify her world view.
I want everything to be the best for you. You have been through hell and deserve a life of dignity
Love Ami
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Thanks! I have been through hell and back. I was neglected and brainwashed growing up with significant religious abuse. I was a drunk, did drugs, was about as promiscuous as Samantha Jones All while feeling such shame and guilt. I know now that even back then I was trying to establish my own identity. I did not establish boundaries until I was 42-That was only 5 Years ago. That is why my mom thinks I am unstable because The status quo was blown away in a fit of rage. I think she is tired
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Of th fight. I will NEVER allow her to run my life again-NEVER! And because of this I can deal with her. Yes sometimes she sends me off the deep end with her crazy making behavior but for the most part I just laugh-she is truly insane and I am not the only one who knows it. She realizes she is not as sharp as she used to be-she knows her time is numbered and I can sense and intensity within her that points to escaping embarrassment.
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So I go to the doctor and find out I gained 22 pounds in 6 months AND have high blood pressure! Medications, anemia-she is for the surgery but she wants me well first!
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Oh and she told me that maybe my mom cannot allow herself to open up and feel those feelings that made her the way she is. We all know that N s are made not born and usually there is something that happened to them that made them need to control everything and to be the center of attention to make them feel good about who they are. The doc said I need to stop insisting she take responsibility because it causes me stress and health problems.
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Overcomer Kelly,
I have been following your thread and wishing you well. Sounds like you are doing some really important work here.
This sounds like a really interesting idea when you said, "The doc said I need to stop insisting she take responsibility because it causes me stress and health problems." What did you think about that? Ring any bells?
I know it did for me when I looked at it with my own situation. I notice that when I focus a lot on my Nmom and wanting to get certain reactions from her, I abandon myself, which surely would thrill her if she knew. :?
Green
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I realize that extreme emotion is bad for you-I cannot allow her to take away my low and health! It has taken me years but I finally feel free!