Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: mountainspring on June 03, 2007, 02:28:57 PM
Title: Mammaw
Post by: mountainspring on June 03, 2007, 02:28:57 PM
Hi Everybody,
I’ve just received a call from my mother. She said they took Mammaw to the emergency room last night because she was extremely weak and couldn’t keep anything down. They ran tests at the hospital last night and said she had something called a femoral hernia. They said she had to have surgery right away, so at 1:30 this morning she went in for the surgery. She got through the surgery okay and Mom said she’s resting now. I’m trying to decide whether to make another trip down there. The doctor said she will be in the hospital for a few days, then transferred to rehab. Both Mom and Dad tell me she’s okay and to stay put, that I’ll probably be needed more when she’s in rehab. If I go, I’d need to take both girls with me because my husband doesn’t think he get off work to stay with them without more notice. I’m trying to decide what to do. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: Amy on June 03, 2007, 02:31:51 PM
>>please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
Consider it done.
And a big hug for you, I have a hunch you need it. ((( )))
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: CB123 on June 03, 2007, 02:39:31 PM
MS,
My heart is with you and Mammaw.
Just take a few minutes to take a deep breath and think through your options. I know you will do the best you can, and so does Mammaw. She loves you, MS, and she knows you love her--whenever you get there.
Much love,
CB
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: Ami on June 03, 2007, 02:49:51 PM
Dear MS, I am praying for her and for you. May God's peace be on you at this difficult time . Love Ami
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: isittoolate on June 03, 2007, 03:19:51 PM
MS, My guess is that your hearts are so woven together that you ARE there with Mammaw...
tt
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: Hopalong on June 03, 2007, 05:13:09 PM
((((((((((MS, Mamaw)))))))))))
thoughts with you both, and for Mamaw, a speedy recovery. Nature's nasty, and you have been so stalwart.
love Hops
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: lighter on June 03, 2007, 06:43:57 PM
<Sending good vibes to Mammaw>
She's probably very groggy from the surgery. You may be more helpful at rehab where she'll be more alert? She'll probably need your support even more during the hard work ahead of her.
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: Stormchild on June 03, 2007, 08:27:48 PM
((((((((((MS and Mammaw))))))))))
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. [Psalm 46]
[Psalm 91] He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked.
Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place— the Most High, who is my refuge—
no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.
On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder; the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.
“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name.
“When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.
“With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
(((((((((())))))))))
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: mountainspring on June 07, 2007, 11:11:52 PM
Hi Everybody..
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for Mammaw. She’s doing okay, I think. I was prepared to make the trip early this week, but so many things started happening that I decided to take my Dad’s advice and wait until early next week to make the trip.
This has been a very hard week for me. My son woke up early Sunday with a swollen cheek and said he couldn’t sleep because of tooth pain. So on Monday we were at the dentist, and put him on antibiotics for three days so he could do a root canal today. He also put him on pain medication. My son sailed through the root canal today, and says he’s not in as much pain as before, and the pain medication is taking care of the pain he’s having.
Dad has been calling twice a day about Mammaw. One of the reasons he didn’t want me to come this past week was because my cousin was flying in on Tuesday. He said if everybody started showing up, it may alarm Mammaw. I don’t know how though, she’s been sleeping almost non stop since the operation. He also said that each day I’m there and she’s still in the hospital is a wasted day, because I’d be more helpful at rehab. I’ve worked out child care for my girls. I could take them with me, but I don’t know how long I’ll be there, and when I’m there I’ll be at the rehab center with Mammaw, and really don’t want them around my mother for long periods of time. Rehab should take 2 to 3 weeks. I think 2 weeks is pretty much my limit and am hoping to get her through that. Two weeks is a long time for the girls to be away from home, especially if I’m preoccupied with the rehab. I think they’d do better here with their Dad.
Then Mom called about Dad. He’s getting sick every night, continuing to try and work and help with Mammaw. All of these things have really had me down. I know Mom has a habit of exaggerating Dad’s condition, so I’m hoping this is a game and not the truth. But he didn’t look well to me when I was there. So I’m worried. I’ve been somewhat successful at trying to control my emotions throughout all this. This has always been such a problem for me. But I started writing down some things to help me with that. Stormy… the verses are helping too.
Some of the things my parents told me that I’m remembering are;
When the nurse took Mammaw’s pulse the day after her surgery, she smiled and said Dynamite comes in small packages!! She had a very strong pulse!
When the nurse was preparing Mammaw for surgery, she tried to take Mammaw’s teeth out. Mammaw let her struggle a while why trying, then reached in her mouth and handed the nurse her teeth and smiled. That sounds like Mammaw.
Mom said the incision is pretty small, so this is something to be thankful for.
Today with a lot of help, Mammaw sat in a chair for 15 minutes, and today is the first day she’s eaten regular food since her surgery.
They’ve had to watch her ALL the time. The minute anyone turns their back she pulls at the tube that drains her stomach. Today, finally, they took the tube out. I’m very thankful for that.
The things I’m worried about are:
Mammaw took forever to wake up after the surgery. I’m talking 3 days. She’s been sleeping day and night and she’s very weak.
When I tried to talk to her on the phone mom said she smiled then closed her eyes, so I know she heard me but it is Thursday and I’m thinking she should be stronger.
They originally said they would transfer her to rehab tomorrow, but today they said early next week. So I don’ t know what’s going on with that.
She had a real bad infection on top of the femoral hernia problem. They are giving her something to clear that up..
I don’t know how cooperative she will be in rehab. She becomes a different person when she’s not feeling well (I guess most people do) and Mom says she’s not sure how much rehab she will agree to do. But maybe if I do the exercises with her, this will encourage her and maybe if I promise to take her for rides if she’s able, that will encourage her. Dad says he’s not sure she will cooperate with anyone else during the rehab, and I’m feeling some pressure with that. I’m not god, I have no answers, but I can try. I know if I can get her to laugh she will cooperate. I think if I can get permission to take her best friend from assisted living to the rehab center for a little while, that may perk her up a bit. I’m working on keeping my head straight so I will be useful, but some days, it’s really hard. She has to complete the rehab before going back to assisted living.
Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers. MS
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: lighter on June 07, 2007, 11:22:34 PM
Well.... MS.
You sure have alot on your shoulders right now. Glad you're working on your head. You can only do what you can do to help Mamaw. Nothing more. Childcare lined up. CHECK.
Make Mamaw feel loved and encourage her to work hard in rehab. CHECK.
That;s your job. You can't do Mamaws part for her, or I'm sure you would.
She sounds very special and you must be a very wonderful Grandaughter to be loved so much. I'm sure you love her back and will get the chance to convey that to her when you see her. Remember, even it it;'s not OK, it's OK. Do your best and know that you don't have control over everything. Just you.
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: mountainspring on June 07, 2007, 11:58:57 PM
Hi Lighter
Thank you for this:
Quote
Remember, even it it;'s not OK, it's OK. Do your best and know that you don't have control over everything. Just you.
This is a struggle for me. I don't always know what the healthy picture is in these situations. Another example is when I'm around my parents my father sneaks ice cream. He's not suppose to have it, and he knows it, but he loves it. So, if I am around, it's don't tell your mother. And I don't. What I'd like to do is look at him and say "what the hell are you doing"? He'll even ask me to buy the stuff if I'm around. Now.... maybe this is a control thing too? I'm not sure. My father has always loved sweets, my mother seems to enjoy depriving him of them, and his doctor tells him to continue to lose weight because of his health issues. If I buy the ice cream, he interprets that as my caring about him. If I don't, well, he thinks I don't. He's not going to stop. At what point to we refuse things to those we love because it's not good for them. I hate these kinds of situations because I don't always know the right thing to do. I guess this is a whole different topic... but I have difficulty sometimes knowing what's right in these situations.
And another thing. My mom and dad met at the airport last time I was there. He said he parked in 2A, but he meant 2H, and she was arguing with him. He gets real confused sometimes and this frustrates him. I said to him, it doesn't matter, just show me where you parked. And I drove the car and he was able to give me exact instructions as to where it was, and I said see, you know where you parked. And I told this to my T, and she said there was a triangle going on between my mom, my dad, and me. I'm confused about that. I was trying to comfort my dad, not target my mother. But maybe I was trying to tone her criticising him at the same time. I guess both motivations were there. More to work on I guess. Triangulating, yuck. That wasn't my intention. But controlling the hurt was, and I'm not really sure what the healthy thing to do is those type circumstances. Stay silent while he fumbles around and she enjoys it? That doesn't seem like a good option to me. But am I attempting to control the situation. Yes probably. Is it healthy? I don't know. Anyhow, thanks for bringing it up. More for me to think about and try to work out a healthy way to express myself without falling into bad things.
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: Hopalong on June 08, 2007, 12:03:00 AM
Hi MS, I don't know her physical particulars, but if it's any encouragement, my 96 y/o mother has recovered from a mastectomy (at 94) and a bowel surgery (95)...
She is dwindling now and fighting a UTI, but still reading, enjoying game shows, and adoring her caregiver companion. She lives at home...
She's something of a mutant, I think, but she really has been remarkable. Until this year, I think I've never seen her depressed, and she was still driving at 94. I didn't list the osteoporotic fractures, migraines, other things...
my point is just that human resilience is amazing and I do hope for the very best recovery for your beloved grandmother...
And for you, peace.
You cannot be separated from her.
love, Hops
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: mountainspring on June 08, 2007, 12:08:41 AM
Quote
but if it's any encouragement, my 96 y/o mother has recovered from a mastectomy (at 94) and a bowel surgery (95)...
Thank you Hops!!! This is extremely encouraging!!!!
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: Stormchild on June 08, 2007, 10:56:49 AM
Hi MS
I think your T meant that your parents were doing the triangulating, not you. Your dad is enlisting you as an accomplice in the Ice Cream Wars, and as a defender in the Parking Lot Precision Wars... which would be fine if he ever defended you similarly, but because he hasn't, it's triangulation and unhealthy.
Re mammaw, have them check her hematocrit. This kind of weakness may be the result of anemia. There can be various reasons for that, but they should really check into this SOON.
(((((((((MS))))))))) ye gods when it rains it pours.... I'm so sorry about your son! And your dad's health too.....
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: Sela on June 08, 2007, 11:23:42 AM
(((((((((((((((((((((((((MS))))))))))))))))))))))
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Sela
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: mountainspring on June 08, 2007, 06:39:43 PM
Thank you Sela.... still have your mother in law in my prayers too.
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: mountainspring on June 08, 2007, 06:42:13 PM
So in a good and healthy world these issues wouldn’t come up. If my Dad were emotionally healthy and enjoying his life, he would eat right. But when dealing with adults what is the healthy way to respond? Usually my Dad and I banter around making jokes, or if I’m lucky, he’ll start discussing history and religion and we’ll talk about that. But the serious things are always communicated in silence. They always have been. As a child, if he saw I was mistreated, he wouldn’t take any action, but very shortly afterwards he’d slip me a dollar, or some candy, or give me a ride to the mall to hang out. He never asked many questions. He just wanted peace.
So if this is a situation where I am being triangulated what is the appropriate response. What’s the healthy response to triangulation. And when dealing with triangulation, is there always a target. It seems there is, but I have trouble picturing my dad making me a target. I think he doesn’t want to deal with my mom, so he lets it go, and I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. So maybe it’s something else?
And when an adult says to you, don’t tell, but you know what he’s doing is bad for him, do you let it go because he’s an adult and in charge of his own life? He’s told me on more than one occasion he wants to be left alone about his eating choices. So to make an issue would be crossing a boundary? Dad wants ice cream so go get ice cream, even tho I don’t want to? Maybe he’s crossing a boundary with me by asking this of me. I’m not sure.
And I’m leaving early next week to help with the rehab. And I want to go very badly. But I resent the things my mother is saying. “If anyone can get Mammaw out of bed you can”. I’m sure after you work with her she’ll be healthy enough to go back to assisted living. You have a way with Mammaw, she’ll do what you tell her. And sometimes she will and sometimes she won’t. That’s not the point really. I resent the expectation. I hate the pressure. I can’t do anymore than anyone else could. I want her to get better desparately, but I have no magic powers. My mom’s words feel like manipulation to me. They don’t feel right and I resent them. I wish my best was good enough no matter what. The whole situation leaves me feeling very lonely.
Sorry for the rant. I feel better now having written it all out. MS
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: Ami on June 08, 2007, 07:12:59 PM
Dear MS, I am so sorry for all the stress and uncertainty that you are going through.You may not feel this way ,but I am so impressed how you are handling everyone and everything. One thing that struck me was the "patterns" between your parents. Yesterday, I 'saw" that the lies in my family were a huge brick wall. I always felt like a failure because I could not make it O.K. .Now, i see that it is inpenetratable. I see how impotent I was and how silly it was for me to bear any responsibility for taking them down or fixing them in any way. I truly had a lifelong depression because I failed at making my family O.K. What I see with your parents is that you cannot change the life long patterns. I am not saying that you are trying to. However, I think that there is something in us that wants to jump in and make it better. You can't make it better.Maybe, remembering this will take off some pressure. As far as the ice cream, I would follow my "gut". I think if it were me, I would get the ice cream. If something as small as this makes him happy, I would do it. However, if it feels like a manipulation to get you in the middle, then I would not. You have much more courage than I do to face all this and to try to help your grandmother. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Love Ami
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: mountainspring on June 08, 2007, 09:20:56 PM
Hi Ami,
It's not so much that I'm trying to break old patterns. I'm trying to identify them and I'm trying to form a picture in my mind of what emotional health looks like. I think these things that are so familiar to me sometimes seem normal, and in reading I discover they aren't normal, and I'd like to be able to identify these things as they're happening so I know if my responses are healthy or not. On the other side of the coin though is the analyzing that isn't good if things are analyzed too much. I think I'm searching for what a healthy environment looks like and feels like, and when I have that picture in my mind I can practice it. As long as I'm unsure about my own reactions to things I seem to get stuck. I guess it's just part of the path. Another thing is when I find out another reaction is healthier that's a process too. I think things that come naturally to those who grew up in a safe home feel foreign somehow. And I want the healthy to feel normal and the old patterns to be the foreign things. Am I making sense?
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: pennyplant on June 09, 2007, 04:35:11 PM
Hi MS,
I know there's lots going on with you and I'm picking only one thing to respond to, but I had a similar incident with my father and maybe my info can help you sort out that one thing.
And when an adult says to you, don’t tell, but you know what he’s doing is bad for him, do you let it go because he’s an adult and in charge of his own life? He’s told me on more than one occasion he wants to be left alone about his eating choices. So to make an issue would be crossing a boundary? Dad wants ice cream so go get ice cream, even tho I don’t want to? Maybe he’s crossing a boundary with me by asking this of me. I’m not sure.
My father's bad thing that he involved me with was cigarettes. One of the many times he tried to quit, before he actually did, he had let himself almost run out. Then he called me frantically and said he was afraid that when he did run out of cigarettes that he might "freak out". So, would I go get him just one pack and bring it out and he'd pay me when I got there. And I agreed. Now, I had bought him cigarettes many times in the past even knowing how bad they were for him (he had emphysema from about the age of 40 onwards--that is eventually what killed him). But this time I became angry about it. I got in the car and steamed about it the whole time I was driving, buying the cigarettes, and then driving out to his place to deliver them. And in that time I realized I was angry about how he manipulated me into getting the pack for him. He might freak out, he didn't know what would happen, what he would do, only I could save him from this terrible whatever. He said what he thought he had to say in order to get me to do what he required of me.
So, when I got there, I had my response all ready. I had my limit, my boundary set, and I was ready, finally, to lay it on the line and mean it. I told him I would never buy him another pack of cigarettes again, for obvious reasons, and it was his responsibility from now on to get them for himself or not. I hadn't liked being placed in that position by him and would never allow that again. To my surprise, he accepted my boundary and respected it from that moment forward. Of course, he was not N. Nor even N supply any longer by that point in life. Maybe your Dad would respect whatever boundary you want to establish, maybe it would be messy. But I'm thinking that this ice cream situation is indeed a boundary violation. He is a grown-up and free to eat poorly if he so chooses. That may actually be a part of his particular journey through this life. But you are also free not to cooperate with him if you so choose.
I hope this helps in some way with part of what's happening these days. It's a lot right now. Still in my prayers, MS.
Pennyplant
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: lighter on June 09, 2007, 04:50:52 PM
Mountainspring:
RE: your father. I think normal people would look for low fat low sugar low cal frozen desserts that your father could subsitute for less healthy alternatives, and feel good about that. Seems loving and thoughtful to me. There's all types of products out now.
As far as your mother goes, you aren't obligated to keep secrets from her on your father's behalf. You shouldn't be put in that position.
Treat them the way you want to be treated and try to rise above the craziness they create. It's not yours to own. It's theirs.
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: Ami on June 09, 2007, 05:19:39 PM
Dear MS, I don't know if this will be helpful but what struck me in the last post (to me) was that you are striving 'too Hard" for normal. I know that my family has sick patterns and I am seeing this. However, in my gut is a barometer that will lead me right(IMO). I believe that we all have this inside as an endowment from God. I am reading Frederick Douglass's book now. He "knew" that God did not make some men to be slaves.He got a strength from a "knower" inside himself. What I am saying is that I believe that there is a 'knowing" in you that will lead you right. There is probably not a "normal" anywhere. However,there would be a healthy. Healthy to me would be respecting yourself and your inner core. If something seems wring to you,don't do it. If it seems right- do it. This insight struck me as one that could be helpful to you. I found that therapy got me "looking at my navel" too much. It took me a long time and still I am not over the overanaylsing a situation.I think that one of the big reasons that I lost connection to my core was too much therapy and then getting a Master's degree in it.(This is just my opinion) However, whether or not you agree with this viewpoint or not, my essential point is to try to trust yourself,.If you make a mistake, that is what "forgiveness" is for.For me, the Bible provides for repentance so that if I "screw up:", a way has already been provided. It is like an eraser on a pencil I hope that I offered something of value to you. I could see you "in the forest(IMO) and wanted to provide a tree or two. Love and Hugs Ami
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: mountainspring on June 09, 2007, 11:00:45 PM
Hi Pennyplant..
The situation with my Dad wouldn’t get messy. He’s very kind, he wouldn’t start yelling or quit talking to me or anything. I could tell him don’t ask me to buy you sweets and don’t tell me not to tell mom etc. and he would stop. It’s really not him I’m afraid of so much. It’s my own feelings. Those old messages that I know in my head are BS but I still feel them when I speak up. The how could you say that to your father, and how do you think that will make him feel. Yucky childhood stuff that I know is nonsense but don’t feel it yet and won’t feel it until I have the courage to take the action I need to take. I think I may take that action this trip, or may not. I’m not sure what I’m going to find when working with Mammaw and if I start getting overwhelmed with her maybe this issue will have to wait for my next trip. And I wouldn’t tell my mom anyway, I tell her very little about anything and I’m sure she knows. I’m leaving tomorrow. Thank you for your prayers.
Lighter…..There are many alternatives and he knows about them. His eating habits are something he refuses to change. I wonder if it’s the last thing he feels in control of and just refuses to let it go. My mother has controlled so much for so long. I remember him telling Mammaw years ago Look, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I love my sweets just like you do, leave me alone on this issue.
Ami… you have me pegged on the ‘normal’ thing. I strive for what I believe is normal. Some of it has to do with my emotions being all over the place at times and others don’t seem to struggle with that as much. But I’m working to trust my gut more and follow my gut more by practicing the things I know to be common sense but don’t always feel. My head doesn’t always agree with my heart. I can relate to a lot of your posts on finding yourself. I remember a time when I felt panic just writing a post… but I’ve made progress on that this year by hitting that send button (probably more than I should!)
I’ll be off line for at least 2 weeks. Mammaw’s rehab center is right behind the assisted living facility. I’ll stay with her at rehab during the day and spend the night in her room at assisted living. She has to be able to get from her room to the front door in 2 minutes to keep her room at assisted living. She can do that by walker or wheelchair, but she has to do it or she’ll have to be moved. From what mom has said, right now she’s sleeping most of the time and not eating that well. PT at rehab starts Monday. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers (and me too)
And another thing I just remembered. The nurse that took her pulse after her surgery last week said that dynamite comes in small packages. She was referring how small Mammaw is and what a strong pulse she had. There’s lots of hope that she’ll be back in her assisted living room soon!
Title: Re: Mammaw
Post by: pennyplant on June 10, 2007, 09:21:31 AM
mountainspring,
I think you're doing better than you think! It probably looks different to you, being in the middle of it, than it looks to us being somewhat on the outside. You seem to be making lots of progress and growing and learning.
All my best to you with Mammaw and the re-hab situation.