Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on June 06, 2007, 11:27:34 AM
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I went to the doc and for the first time in my life I have high blood pressure. I picked up the book DEADLY EMOTIONS and realized that this probably happened because of years of anger and resentment. She told me that if I had not blown up at my mom in 2001 I would have gotten cancer or some other disease. She told me we need to release those emotions so they do not eat us alive! Emotional eating. Fibromyalsia. Cancer. Ulcers. Does anyone else suffer physically because of your emotions?
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Overcomer...
Yup, count me in too.
I have high blood pressure and also GERD. I ended up in the hospital -- they thought I was having a heart attack or a gall bladder attack.
My Nmother was successfully turning every ounce of acid in my stomach into gallons. It could have morphed into something worse (liike esphogeal cancer or ulcers). That was on Christmas Eve, yet another holiday she has ruined for me.
Am still taking a script for it now to keep it at bay.
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I have terrible phyisical symptoms. I worry about what this stress is doing to me. I can feel it's detrimental. I can feel it's tweeking things and compromising my immune system. Interfering with proper function of lungs, muscles and organs (including brain.)
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Being new to the site, i really don't know if i should express my opinion to the asked question. Hoever, this particular thread is of special insterest to me. I used to think of myself as a "health hog."
For those that may not know, I found out my that my XNb/f, had been involved with another woman. I confronted him, and he has taken off, Abandoned me. Poof!! gone like a thief in the night. This is after a 3yr relationship. The stress that I have experienced the pass 3-4 weeks have been unreal. Not sleeping, unable to concentrate, dreams, crying, even an anxiety attack on last week. So YES, I feel 100% sure that we are all experiencing "deadly emotions."
Before my b/f left me, when he was around, I would be nervous inside sometimes. I always had to make sure I didn't bring up anything that would make him mad, or get him upset about anythin. Hoping that he would be in a good mood when he was with me, or that he was pleased with me. When he wasn't I would go back to not sleeping, eating, ect... sometimes I would be so upset I would not go to the gym, walk, or do anything. Some days I felt I was just paralyzed.
I honestly believe that if my body went Thur all of these negative emotions for 5,10,15,yrs My body would be a physical, emotional, mess.
So to answer the questions, yes, I too am affected.
Sweet
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I'm so sorry, Sweetgrass.
It hurts.
But I'm honestly glad for you, that you're free of him.
(You may not be glad yet, but I promise you will be.)
I remember after marrying my Nxh2, the wedding night was a nightmare (Mr. Hyde came out, I didn't know what Nism was then). The horror I felt I'll never forget.
I think we can be remarkably resilient and rebuild our health though. But I'm a believer in not being too heroic about enduring stress. When it's getting to be too much, go to your doctor and say, it's too much!
Or drink a lot of chamomile and spend a lot of time with kind people. Whatever it takes...
But trust your body, that if you keep giving it wholesome healthful food, fresh air, and regular walks, your panic will calm, your grief will pass, and your body will reward you by healing itself.
Sometimes, it can go too long, and people do have their health break down. But prevention is more powerful than cure, imo.
Hang in there. Keep breathing. Endure it but don't feed it.
You are WELL rid of him!
Hugs
Hops
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Sweetgrass:
Your story is so familiar. Sometimes I think the "thief in the night" mentality N's have, the joy they get from rubbing our faces in humiliation and disrespect is impossible to overcome. Then I realize that they're always going to be thieves and that's prolly not going to work out real well for them. They'll get old. They're behavior will catch up. They can't love anyone and they sabotage themselves. It's sad really.
It doesn't have to continue to be sad for us.
You're lucky to be rid of this N so easily. Though you may not feel lucky right now, you are if he doesn't draw you back in again and again. They usually do when they get short on attention. It's always the same. They don't change. Only the people involved with them change.
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I remember a similar incident. When my husband and I were on our honeymoon (cruise) Mr. Hyde came out. We were sitting at the bar and "boing" who was this man? For the first year of our marriage I endured drunken verbal abuse and finally at one year I pointed to the door and said, "Walk through it!!!" We now have a pretty good marriage (except for the occasional drunken tyrade - which now I just walk away and tell him to shut up..............I feel I got back my control...........) The alcoholism is another subject.....he added to my already stressful life with kids and MOM!~!! I felt ripped off because I thought I would get a support system from him but he just added to the mess.................so if I hadn't got out of debt and didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel with my weight and another light with my mom backing away from our business, I would be in high stress!! But it is almost like I am up for parole soon...............I'm getting out for good behavior........hopefully my ailments will lessen, too!!
My aunt told me my grandma had high blood pressure until she divorced my grandfather (abusive) and then it went right back down to normal!!
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The expressions like," breaking my heart" or ripping up my guts are there because they are true(IOM).
Pastor Henry Wright wrote a book called "A More Excellent Way." He has a retreat in Georgia where people come to heal from disease. All he uses is Scripture. People heal from all kinds of diseases by doing things like giving up resentment,bitterness and hatred.
He said that our body was not built to carry these"deadly emotions." The human was meant to give up his burden to God.
It is an amazing book. You can also see him interviewed on Sid Roth's T.V. show.
As I heal, my body feels better.Now, I have to figure out to do with H. I don't know if I can be well with him. I guess I will watch and see. There should be no rush, i guess. Kelly, I am sorry to hear about your HBP. With an N, what do you do? You can;t rage back or it is double crazy so you just keep it in.Keeping it in hurts you. I am trying to figure out how to deal with emotions,also Love Ami
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I have GERD and IBS which are both made worse by constant stress. I also have problems with anxiety and at times that causes me to have little heart palpitations. According to my doctor, I'm perfectly healthy; I just don't feel healthy most of the time.
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Lighter, this is not the first time he has left me. He left me last May for the first time. I had NC for 4 months, then one day out of the clear he called??
This time he has left to pursue his new"Young Love." Since she just happened to be 13-14 yrs younger than he is, I am sure he is getting LOTS of SUPPLY. :) She is also listening to all of his boring stories/lies in awe.
There is a tinny-tiny part of me that thinks he may call me again. His exit is not one he personally chose. I had suspicions he had been fooling around. When I had all the FACTS, I dropped it all on him. You know how smart they think they are. He listened turned and got into his car. I know he was shocked! I'm sure he wondered, and still is how I found out. After all, he was having such a good time seeing the both of us.
In one sense, I sort of have the upper hand on him. He really doesn't know what to do, and I am sure he isn't sitting around trying to find an open door to me. His Supply is endless at this point. So I really don't know 100% what to think, or how to position myself for the future????
Sweetgrass
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[qNow I am working on my core strength. All of it helps. My therapist said that, for me, the exercise would be fine replacement for antidepressants and she felt that that was the reason I was able to forego them.
Dear CB,
When you say work on your core do you mean try to get strong in who you are? I use exercise as an anti depressant(self prescribed).
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In one sense, I sort of have the upper hand on him. He really doesn't know what to do, and I am sure he isn't sitting around trying to find an open door to me. His Supply is endless at this point. So I really don't know 100% what to think, or how to position myself for the future????
Sweetgrass
You have lots of ways to position yourself Sweetgrass.
I'd suggest choosing the one that restored your integrity, dignity and boundaries.
Oh ya, the one that sent him packing like the unworthy pig he is. You don't need treatment like that.
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Hi Sweetgrass,
You could not position yourself.
You could just be yourself.
(Your new, getting-unhooked, healthier self...)
Eh?
Hops
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Oh yes! Being around people who are toxic have a huge physical afftect on me. I think the main symptoms for me are being totally sapped of energy, and experiencing immune problems generally. But I've had really bad stomache problems too. I totally believe that toxic people can cause you serious diseases like cancer.
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I grew up carrying more baggage than the turn style at the airport:-)))
in fact if you can picture that turn style with all the suitcases and carry ons, that was me!!
only it was all internal....... you could not see the baggage, only the symptoms, emotional, phsycological , and deffently physcial
all the deadly emotions I carried for years and years however brought me to where I am today........ and that is with a new way of thinking and believing and seeing life and the people therein.......
I am actually grateful for my breakdown...... it is like the breakdown or the breakup ( deadly emotions), gave me a new life..
I am living my life in honor of my mom, who died at 47 , she died exactly one year after the death of her daughter, ( my sister)the doctors say she died of pancriatic cancer, and this is true, but I know there is more to it......I believe the cancer set in because of a broken spirit***
abuse is a killer.......... and it is like a virus, it plants itself in families and destroys them......
today I WORK for joy , live in the light , cultivate and attitude of gratitude
and thank God for another day
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yesterday I was feeling really up and I really think I am attributing that to a new found outlook. I was walking through the grocery and I had this grin on my face-I feel so optimistic! This is why-I have hope!
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I am just beginning to see that I have a lot of healing to do. I have to first get used to the
fact that he is not coming to see me, he is not going to call me, he just simply is not going to be
around. Not interacting with him is very very difficult. I have to readjust my entire life. I do understand that. Once just this basic fact is really settled into my heart and my mind, the healing will take place.
Everthing is still very fresh, and I really am trying to adjust, but the truth of the matter is I miss him terribly. I am taking day by day, step by step.
Sweet
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It is nice to be in such good company as I strive to do the rights things to feel better, and to BE better.
Many of you talk about learning to ignore N's, and Sweet my prayers are with you, as I feel that you must ignore that dog, for your own health, both mental and physical. In the sitution where the N is going to be allowed to stay, I think of my mother-in-law, who told me a year ago that she did this with her H. I am learning. It has been hard. I felt that it was such an insult to my H to ignore him, an insult that I did not wish to inflict. I just wanted everybody to think and behave reasonably. I have married two MBA's (the first with a JD to boot) on the assumption that they would operate as I do. Not. Okay, I get it. That's not going to happen. Next item.
What to do with the stress? The jittery, shaky, heart-pounding, migraine-producing, nervousness of all this. You all are doing a great job, using up all those fight or flee chemicals with exercise. It feels wonderful, I know. I used to work out every other day, back before I moved here to H's house (now our house). I had a bipolar boss, and I used to think that without my workouts I would die. Away from working out for years now, sometimes I think I will die. Sometimes I wish I would, just to have the stressful interactions end. Last night at dinner I could feel a migraine starting as my two kids and H got into some very disgusting subject matter. I think that if I weren't feeling so out of shape I probably would have gotten up from the table and walked away. Interesting that the more we sit and "take it" the less able we are to leave. This morning, the migraine was full on. I am fortunate in that Imitrex resolves my migraines. H took the kids to school. I stayed in bed and recovered. Better now, but I do feel that I am in a rut.
I can see you getting out of your ruts and I have hope of doing the same. Right now, my yard need lots of attention to finish our big renovation project. Working on that and the inside of our home, putting everything back (or tossing, donating, etc.) after our remodel is a huge endeavor. I hope that it will tax me physically, enough to help handle the stress.
As I learn to ignore, or more accurately not respond, the stress decreases, as some of you have described. It's like a new rule of thumb, "I will not respond to ridiculous comments." The physical cost of such interactions is too great.
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>>Could you explain the above in more detail?Can you tell me the process and the steps that you went through?<<<
I can try to explain it
1) first recognise your negative traits o/ learned behaviors / reactions that are a hinderance to a healthier quality of life ie)
2) resign to work on them ( this is the consious divorce part)
3) work through them, set strong new bounderies - learning what you are responsible for and NOT responsible for ( the divorcing)
4) then put into pracitse each and every day the new way of living a healthier quality of life is the result!!! ( learning to live apart from the bagage) divorced
does that help?
I do occasionally stumble , and I think we all carry a little baggage all our lives, but at least the baggage I carry now is not so detremental to my health
(song from the Be-good Tanya's)
"Keep It Light Enough To Travel"
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[quote -I feel so optimistic! This is why-I have hope!
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Good for you!!!!!
Sow a seed of hope
Awaken to a dream
Lay upon your bed of faith
and move a mountain
to carry out that dream
The hands of charity
will run to meet you
Together we will fulfil the dream
thanking God for the seed sown in us
Love - the reason for every ones dreams~
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Thanks!! What a cool poem.......
I am also thankful for my breakdown five years ago................I SNAPPED!!!!!!!! Snapped!! I went off the deep end. Yelling. Screaming. Slamming doors. It is no wonder my mom thinks I have emotional problems or Borderline Personality Disorder!!! But the truth is I just could not take her STUFF anymore. She pushed me too far. But because of the breakdown, I finally set boundaries with the woman. My anger made her a bit afraid of me and that is ok with me because if that is what it takes for her to back off then so be it!! You know? My anger is a little over the top all around. I mean, if I am walking across a cross walk and someone drives right up and kinda pushes me I point to the cross walk and yell CROSS WALK!! I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY!!
Oh, I can be such a bitch!@
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Dear Poet,
Thanks for that list. I am going to do it. I have been subconciously doing some of it. I get really exhausted trying and learning new behavoirs. Is this just part of it? Thanks for all your wisdom, Friend
Love Ami
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Dear Poet,
>>>Thanks for that list. I am going to do it. I have been subconciously doing some of it. I get really exhausted trying and learning new behavoirs. Is this just part of it? Thanks for all your wisdom, Friend <<<<<
"Is that just part of it"... lol the good news is YES!!! it does sound really mechanical doesn't it? But remember there is a real gem inside the constructed learned reactions and behaviors, what you may not understand is "how" it is working, all you have to do is make the consious choice to change attitudes /behaviors that make you so unhappy the ones that steal your smile, the ones that are so self defeating....... and effecting the quality of life that you want to have
The best way to describe my "breakdown" is like my physcolgist said, she said the mind is like a filing cabnet , and we store hundreds of files in it, ( the files are life events and crisis and happenings), when my father died , it was just ONE too many crisis, too many files for my cabinet to store......so the cabnet broke and files went flying all over the place..... the files then could be talked about , discussed and thrown away so to speak.... but it wasn't just the files that were the problem it was all the attitudes and hurts and pains that went along with them.... alot of destructive thinking, inherited fears* ... alot of Anger, which I believe was not all mine, but my fathers anger injected into me.
I have certain mantra /motivating thoughts, beliefs that are one with me.... what I mean by that is, they are engrained in my heart and mind
they are with me where I ever I go, what ever I do , like my own personal truths, my own salvation in a sense
" we only do this trip once"!! - and when you really grasp the meaning of this, you will want to live in each and every moment, you will have a deeper appreciation for everything, loving the good with the bad...... kinder eyes to forgive , a thankfulness for the life you have and can have!!! ( I say God is responsible ) but for me God is the core of my faith
I read this poem one day , and it hit me like a ton of bricks....... I was browsing through some old books of my husbands and I happened upon it, this poem is how I feel about change in my own life, while she speaks about a place effecting her profoundly- I relate the poem to my breakdown and rebirth (so to speak)
"If Once you have Slept On An Island"
- If once you have slept on an island
You'll never be quite the same;
You may look as you look the day before
And go by the same old name,
-You may bustle about in street and shop;
You may sit at home and sew,
But you'll see blue water and wheeling gulls
Wherever your feet may go.
-You may chat with the neighbors of this and that
And close to your fires keep,
But you'll hear ship whistle and lighthouse bell
And tides beat through your sleep.
-Oh, you won't know why and you can't say how
Such change upon you came
But- once you have slept on an island
You'll never be quite the same
By Racheal Field
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Overcomer:
I think anger can be a very healthy clarifying part of defining who we are and giving us the energy to defend ourselves and make ourselves safe. Anger isn't a bad thing in my book.
It's ongoing hate that seems to do damage, IMO.
Sweetgrass:
So sorry your in the void right now. Everyone goes there. I say this a lot but it's true. It's the space you occupy before you fill it with better things. If we're lucky, we make new mistakes and stop repeating old mistakes. We put better habits in place and don't slip too badly into the old ones when we start feeling better.
We're mindful about setting up and defending our boudaries. That's where I fell down last time. I had the boundaries defined, just not well defended and I got lost. (((Sweetgrass)))
Nothing, good nor bad, lasts forever. This too shall pass. Promise: )
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Even in the Bible it says something like, "Be angry but sin not!" I think anger is the manifestation of other emotions. Fear. That makes me angry. Frustration? That makes me angry, too. Feeling out of control? Anger!!!
But the key is to let go of the anger in a healthy way. Healthy would be........go play raquetball or run around the block. Go to the gym. Paint a picture. Take a nap.
Not a good way......road rage. Yelling and screaming at people. Drinking a six or worse a twelve pack........or doing shots of tequila. Eating a half gallon of ice cream. oBSESSING. Planning revenge. Shutting down. Turning anger inwards.
Yes, I am angry over my past and a doc I just visited with told me it appears to her that I am well on my way with the boundaries, etc. but I need to do a little grief work...............give me the tissues! :x :(
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Good for you Kel.
I'm glad you are getting ready to grieve.
You can do it. You're only a human being.
love
Hops