Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tayana on June 08, 2007, 03:16:20 PM
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I applied for an apartment I liked and was not approved because of the mess my credit has become, thanks to my nmom. So, I am stuck with her. If this place wouldn't approve me, then I doubt many others will either.
I was feeling good earlier, but this . . . I really had high hopes this would work.
Of course this also means that I'm unable to buy anything--house, car, anything that requires a credit check.
It's like I'm not meant to get away from that woman.
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Aw, ((Tayana)). Sorry you got turned down for this one, and sorry that you have to deal with the repercussions of your mom's behavior. This must feel like a dark moment.
Be aware of what my therapist calls "awfulizing" (I do this a lot) -- taking one miserable incident or circumstance and following it out until the world ends. There are many, many, many options out there for you. The scenario you spun is just one of them. Be gentle with yourself today, but keep fighting for your freedom, too!
Green
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Hi Tayana,
You can absolutely rebuild your credit rating, and I believe you can do it in six months (maybe even three). Please find out how.
There are many simple books in libraries and lots of information on the Net (just beware pay-for-it anythings).
There are Consumer Credit Counseling agencies, places where you can make an appt. and get objective, sensible advice and help drawing up a financial plan for yourself and your boy.
It might be a really good idea to do these things... You'll NEVER regret the knowlege.
And it would be an even better idea not to share your notes or plans with your Mom until it's a done deal.
Sorry for this setback but it's temporary!
Chin up, hon. Keep on posting and work it through.
hugs
Hops
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The problem is that it isn't something I can fix just by consolidating debt, or anything like that. I have to get rid of a court judgement against me on an account that isn't mine. I've been cleaning up my credit for the last three years thanks to her meddling.
I am back to square one with school too, since I'd hoped to have a new place by the fall.
I'll look into the consumer credit counseling thing though.
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Thanks, Ami. (((hugs))) to you too. I know you've been going through a rough time too.
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Tayana,
As Hops says, there are agencies who will help you start programs to sort out bad credit ratings, etc. Showing willing is what the banks, etc, want to see - and you are definitely 'willing', even if the credit history is against you at the moment.
It's a sad and annoying setback, that's all. Your NMum won't win in the end, though.
Janet
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I'm so sorry this happened to you.
A judgement against you on an account that isn't yours? Did your mother steal your identity, or coerce you to countersign something for her?
Definitely talk to a reputable credit counselor. You might ask your bank to refer you...
((((((((((tayana))))))))))
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She stole my identity to open credit cards under my name, then defaulted on them. The credit card companies then came after me.
I look into a credit counselor.
Thanks everyone.
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Tayana,
Argh, grrr, what a rock and a hard place you are in. She out and out stole from you and committed a felony. arghh, grrrr again. This is your mother what a shit position she put you in. I'm so sorry. Is there anyway you can make her pay or contribute to your repaying them?
Love
Deb
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No Deb,
My lawyer wanted her to sign an afidavit clearing up the mess. She had hired a lawyer of her own, and he suggested I sign my car over in her name, transfer my accounts to another name etc., so that I had no assets. I wouldn't do that. When I asked her if she would sign an afidavit, she refused. When I confronted her, she denied taking out the card and also denied not paying on it. She told me it had been paid off. Obviously it hadn't.
I don't believe anything she says. I can deal with her as long as I remember that almost everything she tells me is a lie. Before this, she maxxed out one of my cards and stole my statements so that I couldn't see the charges. Then she denied stealing my statements. I found then hidden in the desk at the store she opened with my money. I was supposed to be a partner in the business, but she never wanted me to really be a part of it. It was her baby, and then she'd be angry because I didn't want to work for her on the weekends. Even though I already had a full time job.
She wouldn't repay what she charged on my legitimate card, so I stopped paying her childcare. I figured that would take care of that. She never said a word. She won't even own up to this mess. She claims that she never had this type of card, she had a different card. Incidentally, the other card was in a similar situation, but I was able to have that taken care of before it went to court. I could do something similar with this if it was just the creditor, but if I do anything with the court, it'll be construed as an admission of guilt, and I do not intend to repay her debt.
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Tayana,
What a mess! Well your right you cannot believe a word out of her mouth. They lie so much that you don't know, if and when they tell the truth.
You got left holding the bag but you can reslove it in time. Sucks that you have to fix what you did not break.
What is done is done but I'm worried. Even pulling yourself out of the hole she dug you into with the things you spoke about how can you protect yourself in the future from her doing the same thing?
Don't give up on Apts. Keep looking. My friend had some really bad debt that her husband left her with and two children.
She looked for apts and finally found one where the Landlord let her even pay the 1st month security in payments along with her rent each month. She was honest and told them her credit was shot due to the breakup with her ex.
When you look for a credit counselor make sure it is a non profit one. Check out all options.
I'm very sorry that this was put upon you, so sneaky. That was probably my #1 rage when it was done to me.
I did not see it coming until it was to late and the damage was already done. It would have been one thing if I did it myself but to have it done to you without your knowledge so pisses me off.
Love
Deb
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I belong to another board, and someone there suggested looking for places that are independently owned, rather than managed by large companies. I think I'm going to do that. I've seen a few of those in the paper, or actually, just signs in yards. I got some other suggestions I'll have to try.
What's going to keep her from doing something similar? I know an awful lot about identity theft now. I check my credit report regularly. If something shows up that doesn't belong, I dispute it. If she does it again, and I find out it's her, I'm going to turn her into the police, and no amount of begging, whining or pleading will changed my mind. Kind of like the saying, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I won't be fooled a second time.
The worst part of this is. I really don't owe much money at all. It's not like I have a mountain of debt. I have one account that I still owe on, and I can pay it off quickly. I did make good use of the three years between now and my last attempt to leave. It's awful. I just feel like I'm in a prison I can't escape from no matter how hard I try. I'm hoping my lawyer will be able to give me something to show prospective landlords so that I can at least rent something.
She's like a leech, you know. I was reading old posts from journal yesterday, and one of them was about applying for jobs out of state. When I told her she said, "Well if you get it, I'm coming with you. You're not taking that baby away from me."
I'd forgotten about that. I think I'm going to start recording some of these conversations.
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Hi Tayana..
I was reading old posts from journal yesterday, and one of them was about applying for jobs out of state. When I told her
As difficult as it is to stop the natural reflex of sharing, I think things might go much more easily for you if you do not tell your mother what you're thinking about or planning to do. Whether it's a job out of state or an apartment across town, I think it's best to just do it...and tell her after you've accepted the job or accepted the keys. Even better would be packing to travel or move when she's not at home.
Do you know anyone outside your family who would store some boxes of things for you? Might help to get started to prepare for your move, and then on moving day you won't have to do the whole thng with your mother yammering at you.
Just a thought,. but if you get the idea to move away, I would not tell her until you've made a decision....
Hops
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Hops, I haven't actually told her about this move. She found out because one of the properties I looked at sent things here. I didn't know they would do that, or I would have asked that they not do that. Then once she found out about that, she started talking to my son and pumping him for information.
CB, I could pay several months rent up front. One of the reasons I turned in the application for this apartment was to see if I could rent anything, or if I would have trouble renting. The next one I'll make the offer to pay up front, and see if that will work. There is another complex close to work, owned by a different management company. I'll try them.
My credit will clear after the court thing is taken care of, I'm sure of that. The only problem with going to court is that it takes forever. I won't pay off her charges this time. I've done that twice. I don't intend to do it anymore. I didn't commit the crime, and I shouldn't have to pay for it.
There was a time when I was willing to put some clothes in a bag and leave everything I own behind. I'm almost to that point now.
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Tayana.... before you go to the next complex, talk to your employer, perhaps, if you can, and see if your supervisor will 'vouch' for you. See if you can get a memo from them that says you've worked there for x amount of time, and earn y, and are considered a stable and reliable employee...
You don't have to go into a lot of detail for the employer, but if you say you'd like to live closer to work, and that you would like to do as much as possible up front to assure that this complex will accept you as a tenant, you might get the help you need.
Likewise, would your bank do the same? They've had you as an accountholder for x years and you've never bounced a check... or whatever they can say that will show that you are managing your finances responsibly.
You could also offer direct debit rent payment.
Just a few thoughts. And by the way, if your mother is defrauding you and leaving you holding the bag for it, which is what it sounds like, you really ought to talk to someone about pressing charges.
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Eh.... whatever happened to figuring out what happened to your credit and having your mother pay for the crime, instead of you being permanantly punished for it?
Also, what happened to you finding a roomate or renting space, apartment from some nice lady with kids?
You're feeling defeated now. Fine. But don't let that last. It ticks me off that you mom's actions are accomplishing what she wants.
What happened with working out your credit and having those problems removed? Why can't your mother be prosecuted for those crimes? What do you need to do to get your credit in shape?
You aren't stuck unless you stop trying. Don't stop trying. I keep hitting walls too and things go so crazy unfair against me I can imagine how you feel. Really. But what happens if we stop trying to make things better?
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Tayana,
The situation you're in sounds depressing, but please don't give up now. That's just what your NMum wants. You're so close to getting out - surely a private rental can be more flexible? They'd listen more to your actual situation, surely? Most people renting or selling something just want to be sure of getting the future payments regularly - is there someone who can vouch for you, or help you put down a larger than usual deposit to start with?
Janet
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I have been re-energized. I saw a friend at the library today. She is looking for a roommate, and has a basement apartment. She also has a friend with a house, and she offered to vouch for me. She said the house is really nice and its still close to work. Her house is kind of out of the way, but I said I would think about it. Her current roommate is moving out. So now I have two options. I also found another house today. Not the best location, but if it was affordable and livable, I would take it.
I've not yet picked up my deposit check at the complex. I think I might ask if they would reconsider if I offer to pay several months rent up front. I could pay 3-6 months rent. I have that much in my savings, and since I wouldn't have to worry about rent for that length of time, I could put the money back into savings.
My mom's been very suspicious of me today. She wants to know why I don't want to talk to her. Gee, I wonder.
As far as her paying it back, she won't. I've tried to get her to do that. And prosecution may happen once the fraudulent charges are out of my name. The prosecuting attorney may consider prosecuting for fraud.
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Hooray Tayana!
So wonderful the way things work when you ask life for what you need!!
(Your friend would never have known what you needed unless you spoke up, right?)
Good for you.
Maybe you can do smalltalk, and non sequiturs with your mother, to keep her distracted.
Don't worry. She can't stop you anyway.
Hops
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Tayana,
That sounds a lot more hopeful! I'm really pleased for you. Several options to choose from, now! One of them must surely come right.
As for your mother, I agree with Hops - nothingy drivel conversation will keep her happy, and take her mind off what you're actually doing (you could ask her something about *her* - that should keep her talking for hours, and take her mind off YOU? :-) Just a thought...
Janet
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I have kept my conversations with her short and to the point and very much small talk. I don't want to talk to her, because anytime I do, she just says something hurtful, like this morning.
I was so glad I ran into my friend this afternoon. Things are definitely looking up.
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tayana! So happy your spirits are up. I think having all those options is great. I wish I could help you figure out which is best!
Are they all in the same school district?
How many minutes does it take to get to work from each one? How is the traffic in each area? If you have to drive an extra 25 minutes AND make a dangerous left hand turn out of your driveway EVERY morning where people won't let you out then I'd rather pay a bit more and live somewhere that allows me to skip those aggravations, KWIM?
Which are near the stores you prefer? Is there better childcare near one over another?
What kind of friend needs the roomate? Does she build you up? Would she add to your life and help you keep moving in a positive direction? Would it cost less to live with her? Can she help with the childcare? Do you trust her a great deal or is she a little iffy?
Would living on your own be a benefit?
Apartments are less safe, in general, bc of all the people who see you coming and going. You're exposure to potential problems is greater. You may end up with terrible neighbors or blessings. It's a crap shoot.
I've been in the mood to see your mother face to face with a District Attorney and I would urge you to hand her problems BACK to her and not think of it as getting her into trouble. She had no problem murdering your credit and filling your plate with trouble. BIG trouble. Hand it back to her. I see it as a moral obligation. She should have to deal with the consequences of her own actions.
So glad you're feeling better and the kick in the gut didn't keep you down for long!
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Thanks so much Lighter and Ami. I was feeling pretty bummed this morning too for some reason. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept having very odd dreams that I don't really remember this morning.
Lighter, I'd rather have my own place, just because I tend to be a private person. I like having my place and my things, and the apartment she offered me was furnished. I don't want to be beholden to my parents for anything when we move. And it is inconvenient as far as work and the like. The house her friend has is well located, and I'm very interested.
One of the things I was torturing myself with this morning was whether or not I should just put everything out on the table with my father and hope that I might be able to get him to co-sign a lease or something for me. Or his boss owns some property, that maybe he could pull some strings and get me a place. He was very livid over the whole lawsuit deal. I don't know if he'll sign something for me. I'm going to see tomorrow when I go back to the place I tried to rent, if I can get them to make an except if I can get a co-signer or offer to pay rent up front. I told him that I should be able to buy/rent/lease anything that I didn't have outstanding debt, and I told him that I'm tired of her manipulating my son and pumping him for information when I'm not home. And I said most of all I was tired of her manipulation.
I don't know that it did a bit of good, but I felt a lot better.
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I wish I could remember a quote I read in an e mail this morning.
"when God closes one door he opens another. The hallway in between may be really dark and scary"
Something like that, lol.
Glad you feel better. I believe your father should help you but may very well turn you in to your mother then hold you down so she can hurt you so, you'll have to make that decision for yourself. I don't trust him because he allowed your mother to get away with her actions. So what he was "livid?" He didn't do a thing to help you. He let you swing and past behavior is the best indicator or future behavior. (((tayana))) Glad your feeling better.
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I suppose indignant would be a better word. He couldn't believe she had done this again. She did something simliar about fifteen years ago with a house they own. Defaulted on the payments and then they were evicted. I came home from college that summer homeless.
I only said something because it was eating me up, and I was grasping at straws. I don't know that he'll do anything.
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Tayana,
My father has never stood up for meHe is a potted plant. If you do go to your father, try not to hope too much. Then,it will be another betrayal. I am looking forward to hearing how it goes Love to you Ami
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I don't expect anything from him. When I think about it, he's not stood up for me in the past, so I can't expect it now. I had my counseling session tonight. If nothing else it help me put things in perspective. My counselor's advice is to combat my negative thinking with positive thoughts. It was good, even though I spent most of it ranting.
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When I left my daughter's father after 3 years (plus 2 of dating) I was confused about how to travel. I put $15.00 down on a '60 VW beetle and they held it for me, $350.00 altogether from my "mad money", and I didn't even have a license-- finally got it
That car was a mess and needed a lot of work.
My father, who had NEVER done anything for me in his life, except beat me, sat me down with Mom and they said that he had arranged a bank loan for me, and had also found a much better car, --so I biught the car on this loan: paid off the loan, in monthly payments, while he had co-signed it. I never let him down. I was already in the hospital after the accident and could never drive that car again, but paid off the loan completely then sold it. I bought one later, when out of the hospital that would work with hand-controls.
Anyway, that was a good thing he did and one thing he said was that I was doing a good job of being a mother, and working and raising my daughter. THAT time it looked like he wanted to vomit, just to tell me something 'nice'.
Makes ya wonder
xx
Izzy
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He did have that moment, of being a decent human being and acting like a father.
You deserved so many more, Izz, but I'm glad you had that one.
Hops
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Izzy, I'm glad your father did that for you, at the time when you needed it most. You deserved it.
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I don't expect anything from him. When I think about it, he's not stood up for me in the past, so I can't expect it now. I had my counseling session tonight. If nothing else it help me put things in perspective. My counselor's advice is to combat my negative thinking with positive thoughts. It was good, even though I spent most of it ranting.
Boy, sometimes I look forward to my therapist appt JUST TO RANT THE ENTIRE TIME! And I needed to rant if I did. Most of the time my therapist is pretty sorry that things are so unfair and he's sorry nothing can really be done in the present to RIGHT anything. HOW FRUSTRATING!
I'm just sitting here feeling violated and sullied by this new layer of the world that I've become aware of. I knew that bad things happen in the world, I just didn't realize there were so many subtle variations of soul murdering tactics (that are near impossible to pin point and nail down so you can deal with it and make yourself clearly understood on the facts.) Truly IMPROBABLE that parents would devour their young for NO GOOD REASON so it's hard to make yourself/ourselves understood to other people, in any meaningful way when we/you/anyone tries to explain NPD and how it affects those in the orbit of that disorder. People should care, but it's just plain hard to wrap their minds around it. Improbable that your mother and father would actually DO THE THINGS you say they've done. Sure. But there it is.
I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that the District Attorney would spend more time trying to prove you're story is false, than prosecute your mother. <shaking head> The rage in my stomach is red and it's hot and my back is seizing with the epic INJUSTICE of that scenario! I have my own version of that right now within the legal system and those who are supposed to help me, have been holding my hands to my sides so I can be beaten, figuratively. ANOTHER EPIPHANY! I HAVE TO MAKE A MOVED AND GET MYSELF OUT OF ANOTHER MESS I made trying to get myself out of another mess! Cost me dearly! In every way and it's improbable and unfair and I wonder if my body can take everything I have to go through. <clearing throat>
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH what the hell?! I gotta rant a bit more, loll. It makes me so MAD that things are so UNFAIR on elementary levels of humanity and NOT ONLY IS IT DIFFICULT TO DOOOOO something about it! It's good and GD impossible, so covert and sinister and under society's radar! So even if we do <gasp>say it out loud, society tends to marginalize if not out and out deny what we're saying or, God forbid, wonder what the victim did to get themselves into that position. ARGH!
Oh my God I hope I'm not ranting through my entire day. It could happen, lol.
Eh, anger is a clarifying emotion that helps define who we are and give us the energy to change our circumstances. That's where I live right now. <sigh> That's where you live right now. Our unfair circumstances won't be changing unless we make heroic efforts to fend for ourselves in an unfair fight where we feel awful for having to attack (back) people who should be protecting us.
OMG, that is so sad and I feel so bad for us all. Every once in a while I feel I should be able to save everyone in my family, then I want to shake myself until my teeth rattle. I can't even save myself, up to this point. So very sad.
OK, back on topic.
Keep fighting tayana. Have you gotten anywhere with those decisions about where to move? You can always ask your father for help, though keeping your expectations in check will keep you from being bitterly dissapointed, once again, if he continues to do what he's always done. Nothing. (((tayana))) So sorry about that.
Think how strong you'll be once you've overcome this and are feeling better and parenting WITHOUT all this static and negative hurtful behavior aimed at your head. You are so gonna rock and what an amazing Gramma you'll make! You'll be so wise once you get this all behind you.
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Boy, sometimes I look forward to my therapist appt JUST TO RANT THE ENTIRE TIME! And I needed to rant if I did. Most of the time my therapist is pretty sorry that things are so unfair and he's sorry nothing can really be done in the present to RIGHT anything. HOW FRUSTRATING!
I pretty much ranted the whole time, and I kept having crying fits before the appointment. I now have assignments for this week to work on, mostly countering my negative thinking with positive thoughts. I'm skeptical about that one, but we'll try it. And I did look forward to the appointment the entire time just so I could rant and have someone tell me that I was okay and didn't deserve what was going on and that it would get better as soon as I could move.
I think one of the lessons I learned from my nmom is that the world isn't going to help me out. The only person I can really depend on is me, and I'm the only one who can fix things. She hates that by the way. She hates that I'm trying to fix the mess she created. She wanted to be the one to clean it all up so she could have me all indebted to her.
I'm going to look at another apartment today. I called the other complex just to see if there was anything I could do, but no, there wasn't. I'll just be upfront about the credit issue, now that I know it's an issue, and see if that makes a difference. It makes no sense to me why I can't rent an apartment when my credit score is high.
I do a lot of visualization about what life will be like when it's just me and my son. I know it won't be easy, especially at first, but my son and I get along so much better when it's just the two of us. I was trying to think yesterday, what my nmom actually does WITH him during the day, and the answer was not much. She gets frustrated with him, and mostly he does what he wants all day. Yesterday, he helped me do some cleaning. He decided on his own that he wanted to sweep the floor, so I let him. We played a boardgame last night. He hasn't wanted to do that for a while, and it was fun. I keep thinking what it will be like when I can live without thinking, "What will she think? What will she say?" I keep thinking what it will be like to buy my son clothes without hearing, "That's hideous, take it back." Or being able to leave food on my plate without hearing, "Why didn't you eat? Don't you like my cooking." or "My cooking makes you sick."
I'm rather disheartened by the legal system as well. I haven't heard from my lawyer since I gave him his check. I'd like to know there's at least a little progress to clean up this mess.
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LIghter, CB,
We're all going to get through this, or we wouldn't be here. Sometimes it's hard to remember to keep fighting. I was so sad all day yesterday, and at one point my son saw me crying and wanted to know what was wrong. I told him I was sad and that it was okay to be sad and cry sometimes. He said and it's okay to cry when you're angry or happy too, and i said yes. I never told him why I was sad.
It's okay for us to be mad and rant all day. It's okay to be sad and spend a day crying too. It's all part of accepting what happened and moving on.
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Dear CB,
I want a ticket to the Land of Normal.I have left the world of the Big Monsters(FOO) and am currently in the land of Little Monsters (H).
The hardest part of the journey is finding the way up the trecherous mountains(N's perceptions of life ) , swim the dangerous waters( The N's lies))
until I get to the beautiful forest(my loving myself ,nurturing and caring very gently for myself).
End of Story Love Ami
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<sigh> Oh CB.
What would I do without you, lol?
I'm going through the stunned into paralasys phase of eating for comfort and filling myself beyond full. I'm physically falling apart today and don't exactly know why and didn't see it coming, quite frankly. OK, I had a strange night and didn't get much sleep.
I get so scared when my body betrays me. My foot is better today, and I still have no idea what the hell happened to it in the first place.
I half expect to find no help when I seek new councel tomorrow. I have back ups but, it makes my stomach flip to picture getting a cold look of doubt instead of an enthusiastic oath of relentless violent legal remedies designed to drive my N beserko in an efficient timely manner.
What scares me more is receiving that promise and getting no action. Again.
So, thanks for your post. I understand it on a couple levels and the peace is on the way. I'll stop expecting justice and understanding and settle for freedom and the ability to survive and start again.
Lord knows I'll be stronger, wiser and better prepared to deal with life at every level.
I'll be a better parent too.
Those are all good things and I'll try to concentrate on that today, try to break this compulsive thinking about how unfair things are and how the best I can hope for is to come out alive and free with nothing that belongs to me or that I'm entitled to. Including living without fear.
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Hey (((((((Tayana))))))))),
It's an endurance test and you have youth and love for your son and determination on your side. Can I try to cheer you up by sharing with you something that could be, if you look at it a certain way, just a little bit funny?
...mostly countering my negative thinking with positive thoughts. I'm skeptical about that one...
:) I know when I have a little of the fog lift and laugh at my ownself, things are instantly brighter. It's hard to do though, so don't feel bad if it ain't working!
((((Lighter))), you hang in there, and don't beat yourself up for having a very emotive day. It's okay! And what's more you're right, imo. I agree. Thank you for venting for me too!
Hops
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Hey Hops. It's been a very good day for me. Things are looking up. I have one more major hurdle. The moving out speech. At least the place I went to today seems to want to rent to me, as long as I jump through some hoops. I don't care that the building's a little worn around the edges and it's smaller than I wanted. I can't bring myself to care at all. If I get it, it's mine, and that's all that matters.
I try to laugh at myself, but yesterday, I couldn't laugh at all. Sometimes, this situation is so ridiculous it has to be funny.