Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: ImNotCrazy on June 15, 2007, 06:49:22 AM
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I have just spent the last four hours reading this message board. I found this site when I typed in "how to be a strong woman" into the yahoo search bar. It is safe to say that i have learned so much. What an education. I have clicked on all the links- read most of the posts... and I have learned I am not crazy! I did not even know the definition of the N word before tonight. I have cried, read with my mouth open and laughed at the similarities. I am married to a N. I am angry and I know why now. I have hit the 10 year point of always being wrong. Even when I know I am right, I have proof I have been right, I am still wrong. I misheard him, I never told him this or that- or my favorite "I must have just thought I told him something". I am a highly capable female, with strong family support. My parents have told me for years that my husband was abusive, but he never hit me. Every one is scared of his moods, the kids are afraid of him- "but that's just good parenting- the kids don't respect me"( because I explain things to them, or have a discussion-vs- yelling) I don't even know where to begin. I need T (I'm learning the abbreviations :) )
I am so done, but thought for years that I can't leave because we argue. How stupid of me to want to leave such a good man? Just ask him or any one else how good he is to me.
Today was the topper- I don't know what drove me to search the internet on how to be stronger- but I just assumed it was my fault.
I had a hysterectomy yesterday. He stayed in the hospital with me for a couple of hours then left to "chrome plate" the house for my return. (I am on vicoden right now so excuse any typo's.) After my doctor did her rounds she said I could go home after I did certain things, taking a walk being one of them. I asked the nurse if she saw my bag and she couldn't find it anywhere. So I called home and woke the Husband up. It was 7:00 am. I asked if he had my overnight bag. He said he took it home. I asked him "why?" and he said because he didn't think I needed it. I asked him to bring it to me, as it had my undergarments and clothes needed to walk the hospital and my toothbrush. He didn't see what the bug deal was but after he woke up and had some coffee he would bring it down. I asked him to please just drop it off (we live 5 min from the hospital- small town). So he shows up with my bag announcing that he didn't even have a shower, then became angry that I didn't gush with my thanks. I actually apologized to him for getting upset. My roomate (breast cancer patient) said "honey- life's to short... why did you apologize for that?" She told me she heard the entire conversation and told me to run from the relationship. She has lived through a marriage like that. I just started to cry. OMG! Strangers saw what I didn't. I came home and my mom arrived about 5 min later. We joked about an Egg Mcmuffin and we asked my husband to make an evil McDonald's run. Then he was pouting about- being curt and brief- punishing me for something... finally he told me he did not appreciate being told to go to McDonald's for me and my mom, that we could have asked him. I told him I had not eaten since midnight the night before and only had a pudding and chicken broth in the past 24 hours. I lost a day because I was really medicated. I was starving. and then I told him I did ask, but he said I demanded food. I didn't dare mention the house was a wreck. I told him ladies from work were going to visit me at home today. My mom cleaned up while he was at Mcdonalds.
I could go on and on, but I won't. I just refused to believe it. because we do have good times- he reminds me of them all the time. How can I tell him I am unhappy when I just told him yesterday that i loved him. He's never wrong, I mean Never!!! The kids, however are always wrong. I have tried to leave two times before but was talked back into coming home. He was so good to me. Guilt!!!! How could I do this to him? I just didn't realize what was going on. I make 27.46 an hour he makes $16- he told me he could not live on his wage alone and he would be broke, I have no idea what's in our checking account, I tried the old passwords tonight- they don't work. Oh I will get into our account tomorrow. I'm not even on the savings account, because "I'm bad with money".
Have I really been this stupid? So oblivious to my surroundings? My mom has tried to warn me- I didn't even speak to my parents for almost a year. I made my Mom apologize to my husband, and she did- because she loves me that much. It is so clear right now and I am pissed.
I'm sitting here alone on my sofa with a laptop forming a plan. I have 6 weeks off of work to recover(which is a "burden to our finances") GOD! I even felt guilty about my hysterectomy.
I know this is long! I will go see a therapist- I need it. I am officially angry. I am going to call my parents tomorrow and ask for their help. I have three kids 14, 12 and 4 years old. I can barely stand up right now, but in a couple of weeks.... things are going to change.
Thank you for listening, and thank you all for your posts. What an education I received tonight. I am going to take my life back! I am more than a paycheck and a dishwasher!!!!
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Dear Im not crazy and YOU ARE NOT
Welcome. I am so glad to see that you are finding your voice. It is interesting how others can see what is going on and how difficult it is for those of us who are stuck in it to see the reality of the situation.
You need care and support right now not some two year old acting out in an adult body. Please stay connected here. It was what really helped me to leave and while it is difficult on many levels there is life after an abusive relationship.
Valuing my abuse free life,
axa
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Dear ImNotCrazy,
Wow, what a time to find us! You certainly sound like you could do with the support that this board offers. Just take your time.
It sounds like your H is very skilled at 'reminding' you how lucky you are to have him. But trust your instincts now. It's a shock to realise you've been tricked, and that'll take some coming to terms with, and grieving over.
You are very lucky to have supportive parents. Many of us here did not. It will help you when you need to change things, to have parents who can be there for you.
Take time to rest just now - surgery takes more getting over than just the physical side. (But you can still start planning :twisted: )
Janet
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NOTCRAZY,
Of course you're not. And isn't a relief to finally realize that you aren't? It's been a long "crazy" ten years and when the light bulb goes on, you feel just flooded with light!
But, go slow. Very slow. If he has changed the password on your account--if he says he can't manage on just his income--you are already dealing with a potential powderkeg. Please don't do anything too quickly. Planning is everything.
Plus, you just had a hysterectomy. You deserve to heal and get strong. That is major, major surgery and you are already in a huge physical upheaval. Give yourself a chance to be very strong. You're going to need to be very strong. Having the light bulb go on, as illuminating as it is, is really only the beginning.
Welcome, NC! We're so glad you're here. Come back and talk whenever you want to.
Love
CB
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No, you're not crazy and welcome to the board. I wish you a speedy recovery, dual meaning, and that your mother is available to help you through this.
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Dear Imnotcrazy,
I'm so glad you found us. Sometimes, just being able to rant on this board is therapy. :)
I wish you a very speedy recovery. Your H sounds like a real piece of work, plan carefully honey, think about each step.
You are a strong woman.
T
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((((((((((INC))))))))))
As a fellow hysterectomy survivor ;-)... eat a lot of protein. Your body will need it to mend. Don't push yourself physically beyond the point where you tire... and try to make sure you have someone looking in on you at home at regular intervals so that your husband's being a total poop won't have too much of an adverse impact on you.
You're already so far down the road to freedom it's amazing. :::::::::::::::::::::::: [applause]
(((((((((( ))))))))))
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IMNOTCRAZY,
Hi,
I agree with CB. Biggest thing for you now is you are validated. You know what you know and it is real. There is no time limit on getting out. You do it at your own pace what is wise and comfortable for you. Plan, Plan, Plan. You need to take care of your health needs right now. This is only the beginning so rest gain back your strength. Yes you are more then a pay check and a dishwasher but he can never be more then what he is, what you see, and how he lives.
Every feeling you have you are Right On! It is not you!! It is him.
Rest and speedy recovery.
Deb
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Welcome, INC...
I am glad you've found this amazing place.
I am sorry to suggest being calculating, but please be very careful now not to confront, or "let slip" remarks about money or real estate or children. Please don't say ANYTHING -- even to your parents I think -- until you've made an appointment with a lawyer and been educated about what steps you may be needing to take.
Keep MUM. And empty the Temporary Internet Files folder and Clear History and Delete Cookies.
This is a vulnerable time when a lot of women contemplating divorce sabotage themselves by letting their anger lead to confrontations that come back to bite them in settlement...
Welcome again!
Hops
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Welcome INC
I was never married so I never experienced the divorce thing. When I began No Contact with the Narcissist, that was it--no sharing of anything. It was just over.
Good Luck to you.
xxoo
Izzy
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Thank you so much! all of you! This is all I can think about right now. I guess I have been so busy with work and the kids sports. It's like a flood of emotions. I have all this time right now to just ...think. I appreciate the advice and validation. The more I read The more I want to hit my own forhead- like DUH!!!
I know I am blessed to have parents who love and support me. You all that have done it on your own are so very strong. I hope you recognize that! :)
I am worried he will come downstairs and see what I am typing. I'm being all "secret agent girl" right now.
I told him I am taking over the finances, That he is always complaining i don't do enough with the bills and he is the only one who has to worry about money all the time... So I said I have 6 weeks to familiarize myself with the bills and create a workable budget. That I am trying to help him. WOW- you should have seen the fur fly. After reading everything last night... when it came to the put downs I, I just smiled. It was so clear what he was doing. I think I shocked him. Something is going on right now... He is upstairs on the computer... I did break into our account this morning and found some weird drawls. i have not said anything right now. I think he is doing some creative bookeeping. I can't walk upstairs right now nor do I have anymore energy to confront him today. He is angry at me right now.
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IMNOTCRAZY,
Listen carefully to every word he says. Even the words directed at you. Listen like you never listened before. I swear when I read Laura write they always tell on themselves and I thought back, it was so true. Things I didn't notice. Thing he spoke about and used other people in the conversation directed it towards them but it was really him, his plans, his thoughts, his hidden agendas. He always projected!! Always!!
Deb
Oh and what CB said is right. I did no bank accounts money was given to my sister and parents to hold. I could trust them with my life.
Just be carefull cover your tracks. He is seeing change in you and your behavior. He's going to become paranoid now losing control.
The manipulation will be put on you heavy now. Watch, listen and remember who you are dealing with. They do not think right.
Deb
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I just took a little nap- I feel better now.
I am on my highly secure laptop work computer. He does not have any of my work passwords. My computer upstairs is dedicated to scrapbooking and the kids use it. You all would have been so proud at how I busted into his computer this morning. Right now he thinks I am checking my work email. He is still upstairs getting the finances in order. He told me finally that I could have the fiances after he finishes paying all the bills for this month. He told me he has done a really good job and he doesn't appreciate me implying he has done anything less than perfect. He even said he hasn't bounced a check in years. I said nice dig... (I bounced a check like three years ago). I won't post any of my big plans on this site- but I will keep you posted on progress. Right now i am focused on finding out where all of our money is.
Then out of the other side of his mouth he asks if I need anything, gets my meds for me, and makes me a cup of soup. Then he started to stroke my forhead. WTH?
On a different note... One of you said you had a hysterectomy... I had mine on Wed. It's really painful. How long did your recovery take? I am hoping to be up in a week or two... is that realistic?
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ImNotCrazy,
Good to hear your computer is separate from the others. Keep your plans safe, and take your time.
It wasn't me who's had a hysterectomy, but just to put my oar in, have you got any Vitamin E you can take? It really speeds up healing.
Janet
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ImNotCrazy,
Hi there. Sorry to hear about your pain(s). You've gotten some very good advice so far from everyone.
I had my hysterectomy at the same time I left my NH (the first time). It was awful. It took a good two weeks to really begin to feel like the healing was taking place. It was hard to sit up from bed without pain for at least those first two weeks. I had the bikini incision. Some people now get a much smaller incision - thru the belly button? That heals faster. I felt like I'd been cut in half and sewn back together!
One great thing I learned during this time was a sweet little pill called Gas-X. You can get it over the counter from the pharmacy and it is great because after surgery you have such gas. This cuts that pain out so you don't have to deal with that, too. Use them 3 or 4 times a day until you are all better.
It will slowly improve every day and soon you won't even remember the pain anymore.
Dandylife
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Hi ImNotCrazy,
I'm new here too and I have been helped alot already. And I can relate to what you said about your N judging your parenting skills. My father is my N and he always says that we (the kids) don't respect our mother-because we don't fear her like we did him.
I say "did" because we don't fear him now that we are older, at least I don't. They want their children to truly fear them-it makes them feel powerful. It provides, in the words of Sam Vakin "narcissistic supply". Growing up in constant fear will ruin your nerves-at the least. Please explain to your kids that their father is insane and that it is not their fault, until you can take them away.
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Hi INC - I had the hysterectomy. I'm not a good model for recovery, dear, because I had pretty severe complications which I won't go into now because you don't need to worry about that stuff, you are home and on the mend.
It took me about four months to get completely back on my feet because of the complications. By 'back on my feet' I mean driving and walking and sitting and bending and twisting normally without pain, and without needing a cane for support [I was very weak at first. Because of the complications].
Normal recuperation time is about six weeks, I have been told.
Eat protein and take vitamins, take calcium/magnesium/zinc supplements, don't try lifting anything heavy for several weeks, use your pillow to cough. I rented a walker - one of those little old lady gizmos - and kept it next to my bed so I could use it as a support when arising in the morning, and I bought one of those little bathtub seats so I could sit in the shower. Best investment I ever made.
Did you have the whole shebang, or did you retain your ovaries? I ask because if you had them removed and haven't gone through menopause yet you can expect hot flashes and so forth if they don't put you on some form of hormone therapy.
One thing they won't tell you about: you may find that marked changes of barometric pressure cause you twinges, literally in the center of you. Don't be surprised if this happens. If it doesn't happen, rejoice, because it's a nuisance.
My op was ten years ago this coming November, and I still get the occasional 'stitch' but it is much milder now than at first. I know of a spinal cancer survivor who had the same thing - they had to go in through the front to operate on him. Got it all, he's in remission and has no signs of it, but he too used to get some 'pulls' when a storm was on its way.
Another thing. Abdominal surgery recovery goes in plateaus. You'll make progress and then stop. And sit and sit. And then you wake up one day and you've healed more. And then you stop again. And sit and sit. But you will get there. It may be maddening for the last few weeks, but you will get there. And it really does feel as though it goes in leaps and fits, you go to bed sore one night and wake up with that soreness healed the next morning.
Oh, I just read dandylife's post. Gas-X is the most wonderful stuff on the planet. You don't want gas, you don't want bloating, that's such a good piece of advice!
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well, It's 2:30 in the morning and the NH finally went to bed. I'm free. I wasn't sure I was going to outlast him.
Great tips and advice. I had some panic today about how I was going to do all this, if I was being oversensitive or if I was crazy... I've decided I again, am not crazy. i have to keep telling myself that. I AM NOT CRAZY. Tonight my husband asked if I wanted something to eat. I wasn't really hungry, but the doctor said that hot soup can help with the gas. So I asked for tomato soup- smiled my cheesy wife grin, then he said he bought vegetable beef soup also. I told him thanks, but I don't like VB soup... and I added "I thought you knew that?" with another smile. Then he said "yes you do! You've eaten it before" and I said No honey, I have never liked the barley in the soup, so he said "since when"? Like I am lying or making it up! OMG i wanted to slap him. So I said J___, I have never liked VB soup, not now, not ever, and we have talked about this! So he gets an attitude and said "News to me, I guess I shouldn't have went to the store and bought you soup"! GOOD GOD!!!!! We had a 20 min convo about stupid soup. I finally said, just admit you forgot I didn't like it! Why is that so hard for you? So he storms off. He finally came back downstairs and I said "I can see your upset, do you want to talk about it"? And I swear to god, he said he was NOT upset. Like nothing happened... he opened and made me tomato soup and then kissed me on the head and said he loved me. My head was spinning, like I was not just part of the previous conversation. AGGGGG!!!! This is what i am talking about!
It may seem minor to some, but this blew me away. This is some of the everyday crazy making things.
I will try not to fill up this post with my petty stuff, but it is driving me nuts. Small stuff, and big stuff and all kinds of stuff!
You all have been so friendly and supportive! I will go buy the GAS Ex tomorrow. I wish I had some right now. I did get to keep my "girls" (ovaries), so I am blessed on that account. And they did go in through my belly button and above my pubic bone (about a 1 1/2" incision). Those are healing nicely.
I am going to read some of the other posts now, I have been peeking today, but really want to become involved in this board... unfortunately, it may be after 2:30 in the morning!!! :)
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ImNotCrazy,
In my opinion, it's the 'small stuff mixed in with the big stuff' that does your head in. It's the denial that things you said yeaterday were never said (apparently), or that you've remembered them wrong, or whatever. You can try to adjust your version of reality, but only for so long... inthe end, you just have to admit they're twisting your reality on purpose.
Janet
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Dear IMNC,
Don't minimize the "small stuff". I almost lost my life by minimizing people trying to ' distort my 'reality.I hate it when they try to jerk you around and then"kiss " you. My H and S (golden boy)are always kissing me and I want to scream.
It is a horrible assault for people to try to 'take away" your reality.
My N mother( a therapist) tried to take mine away for my whole life. I finally saw it and was able to start healing. Your reality is your life line to mental and physical health.
Any instance that tries to take it away will end up in a really bad place for you.. Yo have to hang on to your reality for dear life.Once I lost mine, I went down.I lost mine at 14 and it was downward since then.
Keep Sharing. I can tell that you realize how very precious and life giving this board is.You are not nearly as far down as I was. You will be able to get up easier, I think.
You are on your way. Don't rush yourself, particularly when you are healing.For right now, I would just try to "face" it, as you are. doing. Facing it is the worst thing,in a way.Coming out of denial is a job in itself. You don't have to build Rome in a day( i.e. get away from him right away). The problem will still be there when you are stronger emotionally and physically Love Ami
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Regarding what Deb wrote...yes, as I said, they always "tell on themselves" if you listen real closely. The reason you might not notice it, is because it's so untactful and strange that you tend to want to brush it off as "nahhhhhhh, that wasn't what I just heard. He didn't just agree with the person who said I was a nuisance, and admit it to MY FACE and tell me that if he had his way, I would have died with the Nazi's because of that terrible dinner I fed him last night, rather than defending me to that critical person. He surely did NOT say and would NOT be so cold as to do that."
But guess what...YES HE DID DO JUST THAT! He DID JUST SAY THAT TOO! YOU DO NOT HAVE EAR BLOCKAGE OR A MENTAL ISSUE...HE REALLY DID JUST WISH YOU DEAD AND OUT OF HIS LIFE, AGREEING THAT YOU WERE A NUISANCE< TO YOUR FACE!
Here are some other examples:
Narcissist: "I'm a wonderful friend, IF YOU DON'T CROSS ME (laughs wryly)...ain't ya glad you're on MY side?"
>>>Generally you find out later, when they have decided that you are "on the other side, have crossed them, don't measure up, dared to blow the whistle" what this actually MEANT...you experience the WRATH OF N firsthand, as their new ENEMY.<<<
Narcissist: "I tend to be intolerant. I can't STAND ignorance in people. I had a sister once who was so ignorant...I just have no time for that."
>>>Later, this will be used ON YOU. They will have decided that you have proven yourself to be IGNORANT, and thus unworthy of their "love." Then, they will SHOW YOU how they treat ignorant people, and might even tell you "see? I told you I can't stand ignorance in people!" (while they are ignoring and abusing you)<<<<
Narcissist: "Oh, they wouldn't DARE not give me a refund. This happens all the time, but I've NEVER had one waitress refuse to give my money back. They KNOW BETTER!"
>>>This is always a "fun" one later. You get to watch firsthand as a waitress one day decides that the food was just fine and NO, I am not refunding N's money. You will relive your childhood temper tantrum memories, as you see a grown N-adult, practically throw a major hissy fit, complete with phony tears, yelling, eye-glares, threats, bargains, etc.<<<
Narcissist: "I once destroyed a lady's poodle. Well, I warned her that she needed to keep her mangy mutt out of my way!"
>>KEEP YOUR ANIMALS AWAY FROM THEM. I have had an N LAUGH while I was crying, as a baby kitten died in my hand (my husband had accidentally crushed it's ribs by stepping on the poor thing) N comments: "oh your cat had more kittens...she had what...6? you have other ones...don't worry about it; it's only one cat."<<<<
Narcissist: "People need to keep their brats under control and out from under my feet! ooooooh I HATE that!"
>>>DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THEM and, if you have some already, be prepared to STEP IN when N decides YOUR "brats" are under his/her feet!
Just a few tidbits from one who has Been there, done that, had N STEAL THE T-SHIRT and my HEART AND SOUL ALONG WITH IT!
~Laura
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Not Crazy,
PLEASE take Hops warnings very seriously. We have had husbands break into computers and really make havoc. If you post here with your plans, he could really hurt you. Please erase your history.
CB
Ummmmm, what CB and Hops said. But add a very large red exclamation point!!!!
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Imnc: Welcome to this board. This is a great place with some fabulous women to hear you out! We listen and rant right along side you. We understand and we have some great insight! Keep coming here and be careful-N people can be vicious-but you can do whatever it takes to in where you want and need to go!
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what about the GUYS on the board. I thought i saw at least 1 on here at some point.
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You are right Laura, I did mean to exclude them, I just meant that as women we have experienced some of the same things.
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I MEAN DID NOT MEAN TO EXCLUDE THEM
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well, It's 2:30 in the morning and the NH finally went to bed. I'm free. I wasn't sure I was going to outlast him.
Great tips and advice. I had some panic today about how I was going to do all this, if I was being oversensitive or if I was crazy... I've decided I again, am not crazy. i have to keep telling myself that. I AM NOT CRAZY. Tonight my husband asked if I wanted something to eat. I wasn't really hungry, but the doctor said that hot soup can help with the gas. So I asked for tomato soup- smiled my cheesy wife grin, then he said he bought vegetable beef soup also. I told him thanks, but I don't like VB soup... and I added "I thought you knew that?" with another smile. Then he said "yes you do! You've eaten it before" and I said No honey, I have never liked the barley in the soup, so he said "since when"? Like I am lying or making it up! OMG i wanted to slap him. So I said J___, I have never liked VB soup, not now, not ever, and we have talked about this! So he gets an attitude and said "News to me, I guess I shouldn't have went to the store and bought you soup"! GOOD GOD!!!!! We had a 20 min convo about stupid soup. I finally said, just admit you forgot I didn't like it! Why is that so hard for you? So he storms off. He finally came back downstairs and I said "I can see your upset, do you want to talk about it"? And I swear to god, he said he was NOT upset. Like nothing happened... he opened and made me tomato soup and then kissed me on the head and said he loved me. My head was spinning, like I was not just part of the previous conversation. AGGGGG!!!! This is what i am talking about!
It may seem minor to some, but this blew me away. This is some of the everyday crazy making things.
I will try not to fill up this post with my petty stuff, but it is driving me nuts. Small stuff, and big stuff and all kinds of stuff!
You all have been so friendly and supportive! I will go buy the GAS Ex tomorrow. I wish I had some right now. I did get to keep my "girls" (ovaries), so I am blessed on that account. And they did go in through my belly button and above my pubic bone (about a 1 1/2" incision). Those are healing nicely.
I am going to read some of the other posts now, I have been peeking today, but really want to become involved in this board... unfortunately, it may be after 2:30 in the morning!!! :)
INC, the Soup Skirmish was a classic example of gaslighting. Classic.
One of the things that works against us is that each single event seems trivial in itself. Don't look at them in isolation, and resist to the teeth anyone who tries to force you to see them in isolation. The problem is in the pattern, the repetition of these seemingly trivial events. One drop of water doesn't affect a stone. Enough drops, over enough time, carved out the Grand Canyon.
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Then out of the other side of his mouth he asks if I need anything, gets my meds for me, and makes me a cup of soup. Then he started to stroke my forhead. WTH?
For me, this is one of the sickest things they do. Talk and make nice while you know they're stabbing you in the back at the same time. Listen ONLY to the mean things they say. The other is designed to keep you doubting your reality and it makes it harder for nice people to defend themselves in the face of nicey nice behavior.
Just ignore the niceness and don't let it distract you at all. It's just a ploy and nothing to concern yourself with. I hope you feel better soon.