Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on June 15, 2007, 10:32:09 AM
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This question is directed to those experienced members here.
Now I have discovered why I feel the way I feel. What triggers automatic responses. What makes me paralized.
The question is, how can I stop feeling that way?
When my mom says something hurtful I get paralized. It happenes when a stranger says something hurtful. Cant think. Cant move. How can I change that? I dont want to feel bad. How can I stop it?
Thanks for your advise.
Thank you friends.
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Hey, Lupita, I wish I could answer this for you, but I have a similar problem. The words just freeze in my mouth and won't come out. I do spend a lot of time rehearsing conversations when I have to make an announcement. IT helps a little, but when the conversation veers off my script, I have a hard time.
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Wow Tayana, it is so nice to know that I am not alone. Not that i get consolation in your suffering, but I am not retarded. What you say is exactly what happens to me.
What can we do? What can we do?
There has to be something we can do.
Love to all.
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Lupita, you definitely aren't alone, but I don't know what to do either. I always thought I was a coward because I couldn't speak my mind around my mother. The words just froze. I used to have the same problem with my boss, but that finally got so bad that I did say something to him. Of course, I quit just a few months later.
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The worst is that we cant confront abusers. One of the teachers at my school was bullying me and had not courage to confront him. Just hold grouches. And people can identify us and abuse us because they know we do not confront abusers. I have to overcome this problem. Just don't know how.
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Ami, Lupita...
Assertive training workshop.
Martial arts classes.
Toastmasters, Int. (no joke)
anything and everything that builds verbal confidence will help you speak up in other situations.
(Martial arts are also verbal because you have to yell. Really.)
It's all about unlocking the voice.
Even theater could help.
hugs
Hops
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Dear Hop and everybody, I researched and found several workshops but they are for sales, liedership in education, it might help.
But I am sure there has to be something that I can read about that. More specific.
Friends, help me out here.
Help me find something, dear friends.
God bless you!!!!!
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Dear Lupita,
I am finding that literature is helping me more than psychology books. I have read many,many Psychology books. . Also, I have read many books on N. However, there is something about the great writers or just popular writers where they seem to understand life more.
My problem is that I have a skewed view of myself and the world. Writers are "good" and " beloved"if they express truth. Otherwise no one would read the. Frederick Douglass- From Bondage to Freedom( I think is the name. , John Steinbeck, Eugene O'Neill, are some that are good. I am going to start reading biographies too like Eleanor Roosevelt.
I think that Psychology can be a "small" world in that we focus on a narrow way of looking at life, at times. Many problems that we have are problems of humanity.We can think that we are in a little pigeon hole and forget that we are more than that pigeon hole. For example, someone could be labeled some personality disorder and might not be it at all.
I guess what I am trying to figure out is what is N problems and what are life problems.
I want to let go of N problems and face life problems This is where I am ,at the moment anyway.
Love Ami
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OK Dear friends, help me explain:
Today I was having lunch at a restaurant. My son pick us up, my mother and I and took us to a restaurant to eat together, my first going out since I left the hopsital.
We were having a reasonbly good time. I was going to say a joke to my son and my mother when I spotted a student and his parents. He is 17 years old, basket ball player.
I saw him and suddenly saw that he was hiding his face behind his mother, his mother and his father turned their heads towards me and laught. I of course, thought thery were laghing at me. I felt horrible. I could not talk. My son asked me what was the matter. I got mute. I said, sorry son, a senior moment. I knew it was not a senior moment. I knew it was one of those moments I felt abused and paralized. got mute and did not know what to do. It was not a seniro moment. I felt sad for the next two hours. It has been three hours now and start feeling better. It is fire crackers. I know that. But I dont want to soffer them.
I need something to do about that.
Somebody help me.
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Dear Lupita,
You are doing the right thing. You are asking for help. You are being honest about your emotions and you are reaching out. I applaud you for having the courage to do this.
You are just replaying 'Old tapes'. That is all that it is.
In your old tapes, you are humiliated and a person to be "scorned". What happened just triggered your old feelings.
Now, you have to try to face these old feelings. It may take time to identify them. You can find out how you got them. For example,is it shame given to you by your mother.? My old tapes are given to me by my mother.
After, you identify what the origin is, then you can "catch it" when it comes and combat it with the TRUTH. The truth is that you are a worthwhile person even if your "feelings tell you that you are completely worthless. You got these feelings from an unreliable source- an N mother(probably)
It is not hopeless. I am going through EXACTLY the same thing.
I will tell you about my progress and you can share yours.
I know that other people have gone through this same thing also.
All those "worthless" and 'humiliating" feelings are just lies.
You are a child of God. He loves you and He values you.
Keep sharing and you will get out of it- step by step Love Ami
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I agree with Hops. You have to mindfully train to become more assertive.
You also need to,
a) learn to recognize poor behavior, aimed at you, and learn to block it so it doesn't get in (instead of becoming overwhelmed and paralyzed)
b) Internalize the fact that no one has the right to treat you badly. That way you can become angry or aloof instead of hurt and victimized when it happens.
That's a pretty good start. I used to write and write and write about whatever was bothering me. When I was done I knew bc I had calmed down and could talk about whatever it was without dread or panic. Otherwise,l I experienced the same paralasys as you.
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Summary:
This is what I have gotten so far. We are not doing that bad. But if there are so many people suffering the same problem how come I get such a small response. There have to be more ideas. This is a good start. For a person like me that cannot afford professional therapy, I have to find my way on my own with your help dear friends.
We have a good start.
1-Replace the bad feeling with the truth. This could be done after the fact.
2-Identify the behavior aimed at you. How can I do that?
3-Learn to block the behavior. How can I do that?
I can do #1. But that is after the fact. #2 and #3 dont know how. They sound wonderful if I can develop the way to do it.
After, you identify what the origin is, then you can "catch it" when it comes and combat it with the TRUTH. The truth is that you are a worthwhile person even if your "feelings tell you that you are completely worthless. You got these feelings from an unreliable source- an N mother(probably)
Assertive training workshop.
Martial arts classes.
Toastmasters, Int. (no joke)
a) learn to recognize poor behavior, aimed at you, and learn to block it so it doesn't get in (instead of becoming overwhelmed and paralyzed)
b) Internalize the fact that no one has the right to treat you badly. That way you can become angry or aloof instead of hurt and victimized when it happens.
I am going to start writing every single thing that happens that cause the problem, analize what do they have in common. All have humilliation and isolation. Lonelyness and sadness. Victimization. Cant confront abuser, same way I cant confront my mother. I know that already.
How can I block before it happens?
Please help!!!!!!
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Lupita,
I'm starting to be able to do #2&3 a little. I'm starting to be able to assert myself a little better, not to my mother, but to other people. For me, I had to talk situations over with someone and try to look at it from a new angle. Talking it over with a friend would work for me, and I also had to find a little bit of an attitude, and just say, "The people who matter care about me. I don't care what you think." It sounds really callous, but it does actually help. I spent a lot of my life worrying about what various people thought about me, and how to please them and make them like me. I finally had to stop and look at that behavior and say, "Why am I doing this?" It does me no good. Why am I doing it? Then I could work at changing something.
I don't know if that makes sense, but that's sort of what I did in a round about way. I have no problem confronting other people right now, just not my mother.
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Dear Lupita,
For me, therapy did not help me. if I wanted a 3 D interaction, I would join a group like Al Anon, a women's group, or another group that related to my 'issues".These are free support groups.
I have to say that the only way that I started to get better and I am getting better is to know that God loves me as a foundation. I,personally, would not be able to face all this pain without that.
So, I am speaking from this perspective. I study the Bible with Andrew Wommack, who is on the web.He provides many free resources. I learn how God died for me, how God wants me to be well ,how he listens to me, how I will be with Him forever, how His opinion is so much more than my mothers' opinion etc..
I take these ideas and fill my head with these. I try to replace what my mother taught me( I am worthless, only have value as a garbage pail for her, can't do anything right, deserve nothing etc) and I try to replace them with what the Bible says about me.
I know that other people do not look at it this way. However, this is the way that I do it and I wanted to share that with you. Love Ami
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Summary:
This is what I have gotten so far. We are not doing that bad. But if there are so many people suffering the same problem how come I get such a small response. There have to be more ideas. This is a good start. For a person like me that cannot afford professional therapy, I have to find my way on my own with your help dear friends.
We have a good start.
1-Replace the bad feeling with the truth. This could be done after the fact.
2-Identify the behavior aimed at you. How can I do that?
3-Learn to block the behavior. How can I do that?
I can do #1. But that is after the fact. #2 and #3 dont know how. They sound wonderful if I can develop the way to do it.
After, you identify what the origin is, then you can "catch it" when it comes and combat it with the TRUTH. The truth is that you are a worthwhile person even if your "feelings tell you that you are completely worthless. You got these feelings from an unreliable source- an N mother(probably)
Assertive training workshop.
Martial arts classes.
Toastmasters, Int. (no joke)
a) learn to recognize poor behavior, aimed at you, and learn to block it so it doesn't get in (instead of becoming overwhelmed and paralyzed)
b) Internalize the fact that no one has the right to treat you badly. That way you can become angry or aloof instead of hurt and victimized when it happens.
I am going to start writing every single thing that happens that cause the problem, analize what do they have in common. All have humilliation and isolation. Lonelyness and sadness. Victimization. Cant confront abuser, same way I cant confront my mother. I know that already.
How can I block before it happens?
Please help!!!!!!
I've just recently started looking at the world in a way that makes me feel "armed." I assume someone is going to do or say something at my expense that I'm going to have to respond to. I suppose I come off aloof. So what? I always have. The difference is that I feel more grounded. I don't feel scattered and guilty and lost all the time. This is BIG for me. It's been 20 years coming. I hope you can shortcut a bit from my lessons. Maybe you can.
When I realize I'm definately going to be dealing with a person who is going to say hurtful irrational things, I put on an imaginary helmet that keeps those thoughts from getting in. Don't laugh. It works for me, lol.
When I'm in the middle of a bad conversation, before or after it, I find it helpful to rise above, figuratively, and view it from a great distance.
I also approach the problem from the position of GIVING advice to someone else in that same position. For some reason, that allows me to make a jump into a different way of thinking. I suppose this could be construed as my not feeling I'm worthy of the same treatment and remedies as other people. <shrug> I'll deal with that later. For now, I just want to get grounded and keep gaining knowledge and coping strategies that help me grow.
I think you've had so few answers on this thread bc you asked the "more experienced members here" to respond. I don't feel like a more experienced member but I wanted to give you what I've learned. Maybe lots of people don't feel like more experienced posters?
At a class on communicating I learned that people who are mean to us are "transferring aggression." Think about that. Unhappy people like to bring others down with them. How do you feel when your boss blasts you? He probably feels better because he transferred some of his agression to you and now you feel worse. Those people suck, and you're not one of them.
It's hard for us to wrap our minds around people hurting us to make themselves feel better. We don't have to understand it, but we do have to anticipate it and accept that it's true. For whatever reason. Thank God we don't have to figure it out. Too time consuming.
Being mindful about sidestepping these people and filling our lives with better people is BIG. We can't always get away from them at work, at least I never could, but we can make better choices about who we let into our lives. We can make choices about how we deal with the toxic people.
I don't communicate so much with friends and family members any more. I was counting on them for support, but they weren't necessarily able to help me, for whatever reasons. They do love me and all but, they also have some weird stuff going on where they kinda want me to come down a few pegs. They don't necessarily condemn all the awful things my N is/was doing to me. I don't have to figure this out, I just have to find better support systems. That's my job. That's your job too, Lupita.
If we become overwhelmed, that's our responsibilty. I've known this for 12 years. This fact has been internalized for me and yet, for the past 6 months, I've not been able to completely control it. I do, then it comes and goes, right before my very eyes. I'm learning to deal with a whole new level of anxiety and pain and fear. I give myself a break. Cut myself some slack and commit to finding better ways. Just like you will.
So far, beating a dead horse is the best way for me to find more peace. Talking, writing thinking about what's bothering me till I've distilled it down to it's smallest most elemental parts. That removes the confusion and restores peace. It's time consuming and I have children who need attention. It comes and goes.
My T doesn't necessarily have any magic. What he offers is validation of my feelings and he reminds me of things that I find hard to grasp. You can find that here. He can provide some shortcuts but, for the most part he feels helpless with me, and that makes me feel better. You have that here on this board. You can keep moving forward with or without a T, Lupita.
If you help someone else learn a lesson you've already processed, it helps you too. Teaching is the next level of learning. I hope that makes sense.
While you chew on all this, start internalizing the fact that you can trust your feelings and then begin doing just that. It's a delicate balance to keep exploring our realities and at the same time, quit doubting what we should already know. You deserve to be treated well. DO NOT DOUBT THAT. IT'S YOUR JOB TO REQUIRE BETTER TREATMENT. This is a truth that matters even if you don't yet feel it inside. It will come. s
I think most of the problems we experience come from a certain amount of "learned helplessness." There are threads on the board right now that go over it. I find the subject uncomfortable and that means I need to own some of it. I'm working on that.
For whatever reason, we've been trained to let others stomp on our boundaries and make us believe we don't have the ability to change that. That seems to be the biggest difference between us and "typical, normal" people who do stand up for their rights. We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves. Then we begin faking it till we get it. It's a process.
That seems to be the path, as far as I can tell. I also find it helpful to "file" people in your head and heart. You may choose to keep your N mother in your life but REFILE her. (Or you may choose NC, at some point) It's OK to love people the way you need to, even if it's not what they say THEY NEED or want or that you owe them. You can still love your mother and choose to have no contact with her. Whatever you need is OK. Regardless of what others say THEY NEED.
Your mother and boss, IMO, don't deserve your trust and they should be handled like unstable people who do you harm. You don't have to figure out WHY they do it, only believe that it's true and accept it. There's no changing those facts. Once you internalize it, some of the horror of the realization begins to dwindle then it becomes just alarming then sad and finally it's just a fact you've internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR TO GET THEM TO BE KIND OR DECENT. They won't ever be that. Give up that hope and change yourself FOR YOU. This is about making peace with your reality and building a whole new one. You can do that.
Remember... it's your job to NOT become overwhelmed. You can't control that boss or N mother, you can control you, your thoughts and responses. What becomes habit eventually becomes a pleasure. It's mindfully FAKING new healthy habits that's the really hard part, IMO. If we can keep it up, it eventually gets easier then becomes a part of who we are, and that's the goal, IMO. Fill your life with new things and people that build you up. Gain confidence and find pleasure through new things you were afraid to try before. That's a job for you to focus on now. It will help lead you to a better place.
Our parents didn't teach us how to set up and enforce healthy boundaries. In your case, your mother kept you torn down and living in a state of confusion. You understand that now. You can get un confused. You can find healthy people in your life. You can replace the bad with good. It's possible and you can believe it and work towards it. Sure there will be ups and downs but, know in your heart that you are going to feel better and find better ways to live. It will happen.
You should have at least one person in your life you can tell EVERYTHING to. All your flaws and perceived weaknesses, and still be validated, accepted and loved for who you are. That's part of being human. We all need empathy. You never received that. Many of us haven't. You can find those things for yourself and it's your job to do so. It doesn't have to be a T or someone in real life, yet. It can be this board and you can get the validation you need to grow stronger. Sorry this goes on but I wanted you to hear these things before I have to leave the house and be gone for a little while.
You've found this board and that provides a healthy model for finding safe people in real life. I think having people in our lives who tell us the truth is absolutely priceless. I count on this board for that too.
Saying NO to unhealthy people in our lives leaves room for healthy people. Very important to stop letting toxic people IN.
Being alone can provide the space to really grow and learn through the sad and lonely times we encounter in that dark scary place. It helps to make it through when we know it will be over soon and we will emerge stronger and more capable than before. This is a truth.
Eventually, we realize how strong we are and we get better at recovering and adding coping mechanisms. The ball begins to roll and we try to keep it on track.
Sometimes we go a bit off track but we forgive ourselves then get back to doing what we know works. Forgive yourself and be kind. Your worth it, that much I can tell you without any reservation, Lupita.
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I also want to add a couple mantras I've picked up over the years.
1) We are where we want to be.
Meaning we have the power to make changes and get ourselves OUT of a place we truly desire to leave.
2) When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.
3) If we are uncomfortable, that feeling is telling us we are somewhere we do not belong.
4) When we have painful, sad, hurtful negative feelings, they're there to tell us something. If we can calm down and listen to them, they have a message for us.
5) Sinking into painful feelings and just being with them, instead of running around reacting to them, is a good first step to becoming mindful and making better choices. We can choose to do nothing but listen to our feelings for a while then choose actions from a place of strength.
6) Listen to what people DO, not what they say. I heard it put this way once, "What you are speaks so loudly in my ears, I can't hear a word you're saying." That makes so much sense when dealing with N's.
7) When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them. Regardless of what they TELLl you to believe.
8) Life is a journey, not a destination. Every time you overcome something you realize how much stronger it makes you. You're here for a purpose and you're on the path that God intended for you. So is your mother. Don't waste energy worrying about your mother. Concentrate on you and believe that God has a plan.
9) When you have to suffer, ONLY DO IT ONCE. Don't keep doubting and inviting that pain back again. Experience it and move past it.
10) It's your job to require better treatment.
It's your job to NOT become overwhelmed.
Research, grow and learn to trust your feelings and instincts. It will come.
9)
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Dear Light, yours has been the most complete answer so far. I think I need several days to digest and internalize all this information and then move a step forward.
I will read this several times before I give you an answer.
Thanks a lot. I am sure that Ami and Tayana will have good use of all this. I will respond to this ina few days. I need to do a lot of work on studying your post before I answer.
Thank you so much for your time.
Lupita
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Lighter,
Your post #15 was brilliant.
Thank you for that incredibly practical distillation of what it takes to heal.
So many great parts, but thanks for this especially:
We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves. Then we begin faking it till we get it.
I really think it's true. It's almost that simple.
Hops
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Summary
I assume someone is going to do or say something at my expense that I'm going to have to respond to. I suppose I come off aloof. So what? I always have. The difference is that I feel more grounded. I don't feel scattered and guilty and lost all the time. When I realize I'm definately going to be dealing with a person who is going to say hurtful irrational things, I put on an imaginary helmet that keeps those thoughts from getting in. When I'm in the middle of a bad conversation, before or after it, I find it helpful to rise above, figuratively, and view it from a great distance. I also approach the problem from the position of GIVING advice to someone else in that same position. For some reason, that allows me to make a jump into a different way of thinking. people who are mean to us are "transferring aggression." Think about that. Unhappy people like to bring others down with them. How do you feel when your boss blasts you? He probably feels better because he transferred some of his agression to you and now you feel worse. Those people suck, and you're not one of them. It's hard for us to wrap our minds around people hurting us to make themselves feel better. We don't have to understand it, but we do have to anticipate it and accept that it's true. For whatever reason. Thank God we don't have to figure it out. Too time consuming. Being mindful about sidestepping these people and filling our lives with better people is BIG. We can't always get away from them at work, at least I never could, but we can make better choices about who we let into our lives. We can make choices about how we deal with the toxic people. I just have to find better support systems. That's my job. That's your job too. So far, beating a dead horse is the best way for me to find more peace. Talking, writing thinking about what's bothering me till I've distilled it down to it's smallest most elemental parts. That removes the confusion and restores peace. It's time consuming. You deserve to be treated well. DO NOT DOUBT THAT. IT'S YOUR JOB TO REQUIRE BETTER TREATMENT. This is a truth that matters even if you don't yet feel it inside. It will come. I think most of the problems we experience come from a certain amount of "learned helplessness. We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves. Then we begin faking it till we get it. It's a process. . I also find it helpful to "file" people in your head and heart. You may choose to keep your N mother in your life but REFILE her. (Or you may choose NC, at some point) It's OK to love people the way you need to, even if it's not what they say THEY NEED or want or that you owe them. You can still love your mother and choose to have no contact with her. Whatever you need is OK. Regardless of what others say THEY NEED. Your mother and boss, IMO, don't deserve your trust and they should be handled like unstable people who do you harm. You don't have to figure out WHY they do it, only believe that it's true and accept it. There's no changing those facts. Once you internalize it, some of the horror of the realization begins to dwindle then it becomes just alarming then sad and finally it's just a fact you've internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR TO GET THEM TO BE KIND OR DECENT. They won't ever be that. Give up that hope and change yourself FOR YOU. This is about making peace with your reality and building a whole new one. You can do that. Remember... it's your job to NOT become overwhelmed. You can't control that boss or N mother, you can control you, your thoughts and responses. What becomes habit eventually becomes a pleasure. It's mindfully FAKING new healthy habits that's the really hard part, IMO. If we can keep it up, it eventually gets easier then becomes a part of who we are, and that's the goal, IMO. Fill your life with new things and people that build you up. Gain confidence and find pleasure through new things you were afraid to try before. That's a job for you to focus on now. You can find healthy people in your life. You can replace the bad with good. We all need empathy. You never received that. Many of us haven't. You can find those things for yourself and it's your job to do so. It doesn't have to be a T or someone in real life, yet. It can be this board and you can get the validation you need to grow stronger. Saying NO to unhealthy people in our lives leaves room for healthy people. Very important to stop letting toxic people IN. Being alone can provide the space to really grow and learn through the sad and lonely times we encounter in that dark scary place. It helps to make it through when we know it will be over soon and we will emerge stronger and more capable than before. This is a truth. Eventually, we realize how strong we are and we get better at recovering and adding coping mechanisms. The ball begins to roll and we try to keep it on track. Sometimes we go a bit off track but we forgive ourselves then get back to doing what we know works. Forgive yourself and be kind. Your worth it, that much I can tell you without any reservation. When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.
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In short words:
have to anticipate
Talking, writing thinking about what's bothering us
We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves. Then we begin faking it till we get it.
Imaginary helmet
Feeling aloof instead of humilliated and victimized
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internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.
This is the most important part.
internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.
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internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.
This is the most important part.
internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.
Doubting our reality is our problem, isn't it? Doubting our feelings, or even worse, outright denying our feelings? Little wonder that our stomachs are flipping and our minds are racing to make sense of something that MAKES NO SENSE!
Accept that it never will. This part is very difficult for me. I'm an optimist at heart.
I don't want to give up on someone important to me.....
yet, I must or I might not be able to save myself.
It's MY JOB to save myself.
Caretake myself.
TAKING CARE OF MYSELF IS THE MOST LOVING THING I CAN DO FOR MY LOVED ONES. Very important.
When we really understand something, we can respond appropriately to it. That's why we need to beat that dead horse and understand our problem on a fundamental level. Then we have no more doubt. We have no more confusion. We can trust our feelings and respond appropriately with resolve. No matter what craziness is thrown in our face, we can't be destabilized bc we're grounded and we understand beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I love this place, without fear or doubt.
I know how to get there.
I'll keep beating those dead horses as long as I have to in order to understand what I need to overcome and trust myself.
An act of violence against us, physical or emotional, deserves a swift powerful action, right?
Of course it does.
But if we're kept confused and unsure of our reality, how in the world can we respond appropriately?
We can't.
When our N's are acting like helpless children who need comforting, when they hurt us and tell us they're doing us a favor or delivering advice to be helpful, it's confusing...... in fact we're told we should FEEL grateful? That is so messed up!
Unfortunately, we can't have a rational conversation with N's.
It's wasted and just keeps us mired in the craziness.
Now I understant the No Contact rule.
It took me while to get that.
Write, read and internalize your mantras, Lupita.
You get stronger with each realization you make.
You're worth protecting and you have that power, just like everyone else.
You just have to find it and use it.
It's there.
Everyone on this board will point it out to you and give you permission to excercise it.
When in doubt, fake it.
You'll get through.
Act like you want to feel.
Keep taking care of business and keep doing positive things, even if you don't feel like it.
One good feeling leads to another.
You can move through a bad place INTO a good place.
Know you can and stop dreading the pain.
The more painful the experience, the bigger the lesson it will teach.
You're gonna be just fine, ((((Lupitas)))) It just takes a while to get there.
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Lighter,
Your post #15 was brilliant.
Thank you for that incredibly practical distillation of what it takes to heal.
So many great parts, but thanks for this especially:
We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves. Then we begin faking it till we get it.
I really think it's true. It's almost that simple.
Hops
I think it's just that simple too. I wish we had more practical classes, in high school........ on life skills, ya know?
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I also want to add a couple mantras I've picked up over the years.
1) We are where we want to be.
Meaning we have the power to make changes and get ourselves OUT of a place we truly desire to leave.
2) When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.
3) If we are uncomfortable, that feeling is telling us we are somewhere we do not belong.
4) When we have painful, sad, hurtful negative feelings, they're there to tell us something. If we can calm down and listen to them, they have a message for us.
5) Sinking into painful feelings and just being with them, instead of running around reacting to them, is a good first step to becoming mindful and making better choices. We can choose to do nothing but listen to our feelings for a while then choose actions from a place of strength.
6) Listen to what people DO, not what they say. I heard it put this way once, "What you are speaks so loudly in my ears, I can't hear a word you're saying." That makes so much sense when dealing with N's.
7) When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them. Regardless of what they TELLl you to believe.
8) Life is a journey, not a destination. Every time you overcome something you realize how much stronger it makes you. You're here for a purpose and you're on the path that God intended for you. So is your mother. Don't waste energy worrying about your mother. Concentrate on you and believe that God has a plan.
9) When you have to suffer, ONLY DO IT ONCE. Don't keep doubting and inviting that pain back again. Experience it and move past it.
10) It's your job to require better treatment.
It's your job to NOT become overwhelmed.
Research, grow and learn to trust your feelings and instincts. It will come.
I remembered a couple more last night.
11) If someone is being kind to you, but mean to everyone else, they'll eventually be mean to you too.
12) Whatever a man's doing when you meet him, is what he'll be doing while he's married to you. Things usually don't get better, they get worse.
13) Trust your first instincts. Don't make excuses for any bad behavior and don't let other's make excuses for it either.
14) Don't allow anyone to yell at you, name call or badger you.
It's OK to remove yourself from that situation and it's OK to take a break and come back to a conversation if you need to.
Just say when you'll be coming back.
You don't even need to explain why you're taking a break.
I do this with great success.
I never have big conversations when I haven't prepared for them by beating that dead horse until I'm comfortable and experience NO confusion about the situation whatsoever.
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Totally agree. I have an ilustration to compare. In the airplanes, they say that if there is loss of pressure of Oxigen that Oxigen masks will fall down. But they say that you have to place your mask first before you try to help your baby, or child. Because if you are asfixiating, you will not be able to help anybody. You have to be breathing your self to be able to help others to breath.
Another, lifeguards. If the rescueee, is fighting the rescuer, the rescuer will sink with the rescuee. Sometimes they have to nock the person so they can help him or her. But if you are not healthy capable to swim, you cannot rescue anybody.
Now I understand that you have to take care of your self before you can take care of others.
I am thinking about the imaginary helmeth, and replace the thoughts so I dont feel victimized, but able to deffend my self, understanding that the other person is probably sinking and I wont be able to help. As Lighter says those people feel bad about themselves and they feel better when they hurt somebody.
God and the Universe will help me. I have to think positive to attract positives things to my sorroundings.
Well lighter, you have certainlyu been very helpful.
God bless you!!!!!
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Lupita-- WHY does it feel so wrong to love and take care of ourselves??? Love Ami
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Ami, dear Ami, it is because wwe have been programed to satisfy other people's needs. We feel guilty if we take care of our selves. I even feel guilty when I have a good time. I have been alone for 15 years already, but when I used to be married I felt guilty when I had sex with my ex husband. I feel guilty when I enjoy anything. We have been programed to feel guilty.
We have to erase our hard drive and re program. We can do it!!!!!!!!!!
We Can!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are worthy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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This is the reason for which I choose to keep my mother in my life, because I feel sorry for her, she is totally living in limbo, no contact with reality, she is a zomby, and she cannot get out of that world at 70 years of age. Not possible. But at least I know the truth and I will not abandone her. I will put my imaginary helmeth and she will not hurt me again. And she will ot come back until next year. And in the e mails I have some control of what I can feel, before I open the e mails I will put my imaginary helmeth. And I know she was very badly abused.
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Lupita:
You boiled down my posts beautifully, lol! I didn't realize all the rambling till I saw your distillation. Oh well, you did a good job.
So glad you provided that oxygen mask and lifesaver analogy about saving ourselves so we don't sink and can perhaps provide assistance to others.
It helped me too.
I don't know that you can keep your mother fromhurting you, esp if you feel sorry for her.
I hope you can.
I'm trying to think about having empathy for our N's and understanding that they were vicitimized too. That makes it harder for me to protect myself. I don't know that I could keep my N in my life, on any level, and stay safe. I hope that helmet gets really comfy on your head and you can take it off when you need to.
((Lupita)) You're so smart and interested in educating yourself about YOU.
Recognizing your problems is half the battle.
You're working on the solutions, and I believe you'll find them.
I agree about the guilty feelings and not being able to caretake for ourselves bc it feels alien and wrong. We've been trained to put others first and feel guilty for considering ourselves. It'll take a while to train ourselves in the other direction, is all.
If we're mindful, we can do it.
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2) When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.
Lighter, this one really struck me. I think this is where I am now. I can't stay where I am anymore. It's just costing me too much in happiness and strength. And if I'm not happy, I can never expect my son to be happy.
Now, why my mother doesn't want me to be happy I don't know. That's what she used to tell me, "I just want you to be happy." Good thing I never believed her.
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2) When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.
Lighter, this one really struck me. I think this is where I am now. I can't stay where I am anymore. It's just costing me too much in happiness and strength. And if I'm not happy, I can never expect my son to be happy.
Now, why my mother doesn't want me to be happy I don't know. That's what she used to tell me, "I just want you to be happy." Good thing I never believed her.
I'm at the point where I assume EVERYTHING my N says is the OPPOSITE of what he really means. It's funny now but, it was crisis getting to that point.
Please don't waste any more time trying to figure out why your mother doesn't want you to be happy.
She only cares about sustaining her crazy made up reality.
I honestly don't think she understands that she causes you unhappiness. She's just in pain and desperate and you can't DO anything about that.
You can't bleed enough or bow down enough or be good enough or bad enough or ANYTHING enough to make her feel better.
You can no longer afford to bite your tongue and pretend that elephant isn't standing on your toes.
So you go and thank God bc you can't meet the needs of your son if you aren't getting your own needs met.
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I am practicing. My mom is leaving this Sunday. Let us see how I feel after her dparture. That will show me how much I am improving.
She was good yesterday and today. But day before yesterday she really gave me a hrad time talking about her husband and trying to make me feel guilty becasue she came to help me and her husband was mad at her because of coming and leaving him twice for two weeks.
So, I got very mad and said ugly things to her. Besides than telling her that I did not ofrgive her for accusing me of flirting with her husband ten yeasr ago, I told her that he will finally leave her and she will end up her last years of her life totally alone. I was bad, but I was totally out of control, I felt I had been provoked. The next day I thought she was going to be mad. But she behaved like nothing happened. So, I followed the game.
I feel ashamed of my self that I felt into her trap. But little by little I have to anticipate that the rape is coming and instead fo feeling victim will be aloof and take care of my self.
If you can remain me where are the threads or reading about how do you set bounderies, please, tell me.
God bless you.
Lupita
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I think that hwat happened is that I lowered my guard because she had been doing fine for several days. But I cannot be alert all the time.
I finish exhausted if I have to feel alert all the F@#$% time.
The biggest projects depend on the success of the smallest components. One most approach every task as though it were great and noble. From washing the dishes after dinner, to taking care of a cell culture for the laboratory's boss. However, unexpected stimuli presented to the fovea can go undetected in some tasks, "inattentional blindness".Change detection depends critically on the expectancy of the observer. Under conditions of focused attention to a single item, change detection, even for an attended item, is influenced by the detail level to which the observers' attentional system has been set. Change detection in items that are fully attended depends, therefore, on the internal level-rediness of the observer. I would translate that as training. But, there is only a finite amount of energy, and it's impossible to pay close attention to everything, all of the time. One has to think of strategies and tactics
When the day is finished I feel very tired, after being with my mother.
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It's funny, I'm dealing with similar feelings about my mom this morning. I woke up to her acting like nothing happened yesterday after we had words too.
I didn't attack, outright but.... I attacked her denial and serenity. Outright, yes I did do that.
Lupita:
Forgive yourself for losing control, adjust that helmet and rise above the struggle. Look down from that distance and try to see it without emotion.
The pressure you're under is HUGE. I'm half happy that you SPOKE and used your voice, half sad that your mother has the power to upset and anger you.
About setting boundaries.... hmmmmm.
What would Sheriff Andy Taylor do?
How would he respond to crazy requests that he feel guilt over a mother's visit? He'd be sad and he'd probably wonder why his mother was doing such a toxic hurtful thing to him. He'd realize that she's doing her best, as awful as it is, and he'd try to forgive her and realize she can't do better than that. He'd make peace with it and try to embrace anything good he could find in her.
How would he respond to crazy accusations that he made sexual overtures to his father's wife?
I think he'd ask some very pointed questions, designed to lead the crazy person to the correct conclusions.
"Dad, I would never do such a thing, why would you say such a thing?"
wait for response
If the response is crazy, Andy wouldn't ruin his day and life over it.
Crazy is crazy, we still have to live and get through our day.
Andy still has his Aunt B and his son Opey and the support of his friends at the Barber shop and at his place of work.
He still has his relationship with his girlfriend and he finds the humor in everything.
You have this board, if nothing else, we're here for you, Lupita. We understand and you're doing a super job of navigating through this mind field of pain and understanding. Confusion. You're amazing. Really.
Oh Lord, I'm rambling.
The thing is, humans don't have any defense against stress. WE HAVE TO CATCH IT AND STOP IT BEFORE IT GETS A HOLD ON US. We can only control how we anticipate, deal with and move through stress and craziness. Not if it's heading our way, just know that it is and learn how to cope with it and stop if from getting in.
I choose to mindfully accept what I can and can't control. Yes, that's a process and I get better and better at it as I age and grow. Yes, I do.
I choose to mindfully stop something from getting into my head and making me feel bad, if I can. I still have to function during my day. It doesn't help if I'm tied up in knots and I understand that.
Functional people protect themselves.
They draw a line in the sand, with regard to boundaries.
They assert themselves and don't overreact.
They remove themselves when someone is treating them badly. They get in the car or leave the room or go for a walk.
They continue to take care of themselves and refuse to be sidetracked from that endeavor.
They edit people from their lives if they can't behave appropriately. It's Ok to withdraw with love from very hurtful people who would do us harm.
It's also OK to refile them in your heart and keep them, though at a distance and in a place that denies them our trust.
Stop doing the things you've always done, that don't work.
Try new things.
Require decent treatment. "Mom, if you can't speak to me without yelling or accusing me of something I haven't done, then I can't have a conversation with you.' 'When you calm down and can speak to me calmly, we'll continue this chat."
Leave the room.
Don't give them an audience AT ALL if they can't follow the rules. They'll either GET IT or you allow them to experience the consequences of stepping on your boundarie. YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH and protect the boundaries you do set.