Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on June 24, 2007, 06:15:38 PM
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Haven't heard from you in a while.
Hope you're doing ok.
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Hi,
I just checked the board today. I haven't been on in a while. I got a second job at the library, bumping my hours up to 40. I'm also developing a recipe for a competition. I'm forcing my self to be happy by watching movies (Kill Bill) and focusing on things I like (I'm a total Afriphile). Basically, I'm avoiding things that will make me angry/sad.
I'm still anxious for a diagnosis. I just try not to think about it and focus on the positive. I took a personality test though. It said I'm INTJ. I will be telling my therapist this information. I want the therapist to give me tools or something.
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I was just reading that INTJs are very intuitive, introverted and gifted at seeing the inner meaning of things
I have a great book on this called DO What You Are by Tieger
Three more words are competent, independent and perfectionistic.
This Myers Briggs information is such a deep well of information and insight.
Sea storm
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Bravo, El--
Cooking, entering contests, and intentional positivity? Bravo, young woman!
And congratulations on your library job.
Helps to know that therapy is a layering kind of thing, not just a smack on a label and do steps 1-10.
She could call you PTSD, depressed, anxious, any of that. But you yourself will find the most meaningful words for what you're healing from and what you want to work through.
Be on your own side, be patient. You're already brave and determined. And you have an excellent, intelligent and core-positive companion in the process--yourself.
Good luck, hon. There will be some pain but it's like learning to swim through surf. The best way to get past the surf is to dive through the wave. The calm bright sea is on the other side.
love
Hops
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<Waving> Hi, El.
You're filling your life with things that lift you up.
The one thing that keeps tugging at me is your desire for a dx. You want someone to give you a diagnosis because why?
I picture you diving into research and unraveling yourself, once that happens. You can begin researching one particular disorder,
but you're not a disorder.
You're confused and in need of understanding what happened to you, what affects it had and how to unlearn and re learn habits.
Add coping strategies and mindfully working at them till they become habit.
You have to learn about boundaries and enforce them like a mother protecting her child.
Just know that you've already begun.
You've taken the steps you'd have to take, in any case.
With or without that dx.
I'm an INFP, btw.
Love Myers Briggs and I'll have to go over INTJ's again, just to remind myself of how much more organized and focused they are than me; )
What a wonderful post, el!
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Dear El,
So glad to hear from you. You are an inspiration to me as I excavate out of pain Love Ami
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Hi El,
Glad to hear you are filling your life with positive things and congrats on your job!
Lighter, I'm also an INFP.
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Here's the site to take the Personality Test:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
I am INTJ - Mastermind. If I had to describe the mastermind aspect of INTJ, I'd say it is an enhanced ability to see the big picture.
tt
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INFP's..... tayana. Typically they're swans.......
in a family of ducks: /
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Or the black sheep, Lighter? I seem to be the rebel in the family.
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el,
Missed not hearing from you. Glad for the update. Glad for the new job in the library. All those books...delightful. Do you find the atmosphere soothing?
Yes, I am INTJ. I know of several more on the board including bean. When I took the test and was positive INTJ, I thought, Well, that explains a lot! Especially when I also ended up being the Mastermind type. I think they're only 1% of the population. Being a woman mastermind (I don't see myself that way, but the test says I am) makes the way I am even more rare. Anyway, when I found that out, I thought, No wonder my mom who is ESFJ and N didn't know what to do with me! I quickly went into the bad girl, bad guilt/blame mode. That was then. I don't do that anymore.
My Nmom reserved the 'right' to beat me. I believe my Dad stood in the gap, so that it never became severe. In all her ways, she was and is N. I'm so sorry there wasn't a compassionate person to stand in the gap to prevent what you and your sisters have endured. I know your plate is full, but I hope that somewhere in the system, you will find a way to expose your dad's savage behavior and the appropriate tether will be put on him and his ways.
I'm wondering if your dad is ESFJ. My mom is. Here is a portion of the ESFJ personality type that I think fits her. Of all the personality types, ESFJ is the only one with what I perceive as a warning. I don't mean that as a put down of ESFJ's in general. Obviously they have outstanding qualities except when their life tracking system is out of whack.
ESFJs who have had the benefit of being raised and surrounded by a strong value system that is ethical and centered around genuine goodness will most likely be the kindest, most generous souls who will gladly give you the shirt off of their back without a second thought. For these individuals, the selfless quality of their personality type is genuine and pure. ESFJs who have not had the advantage of developing their own values by weighing them against a good external value system may develop very questionable values. In such cases, the ESFJ most often genuinely believes in the integrity of their skewed value system. They have no internal understanding of values to set them straight. In weighing their values against our society, they find plenty of support for whatever moral transgression they wish to justify. This type of ESFJ is a dangerous person indeed. Extraverted Feeling drives them to control and manipulate, and their lack of Intuition prevents them from seeing the big picture. They're usually quite popular and good with people, and good at manipulating them. Unlike their ENFJ cousin, they don't have Intuition to help them understand the real consequences of their actions. They are driven to manipulate other to achieve their own ends, yet they believe that they are following a solid moral code of conduct.
My experience with a parent is nowhere as dramatic and overtly mean as yours and GS, but when I found out my type, I felt a greater sense of freedom.
Hugs,
tt
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Or the black sheep, Lighter? I seem to be the rebel in the family.
Black sheep, black swans... ::Shrug:: same difference. Matter of semantics, really.
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lighter,
Believe me, this is the only time in my life where I have wanted a label. I want a label to know specificaly what my disorder(s) is/are.
teartracks,
I don't think my father is a ESFJ-he doesn't have a personality.
I took the personality test a couple years ago and I was INTJ. I am still INTJ.
Do any of you INTJ people have problems with authority? I have massive problems with authority. I can't stand any authority figure telling me what to do..but this might be a by-product of my abuse, amplified by the INTJ traits (Or perhaps my INTJ traits were enhanced from the abuse)..
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Go EL Go!! So glad to hear you're looking up!!
A label can be so relieving. It puts a name to something and that helps set a person in motion of seeking helpful information, often times or proper treatment. I don't really like labels but I've also felt relieved when I received one regarding another person. It was like a weight was lifted and I wasn't crazy after all! It put words to what I was seeing, so I have an idea of how knowing that label is so desirable and even needed in some situations.
I hope yours will come soon and it will help. Have you gone through any tests? Is your T qualified to diagnose?
Keep enjoying your life as much as you can, EL. You won't regret it, I bet.
Sela
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lighter,
Believe me, this is the only time in my life where I have wanted a label. I want a label to know specificaly what my disorder(s) is/are.
Well there ya go, lol!
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Hi,
Hmm, my therapist wants me to see a pyschiatrsit. She speculates that I might have 1. Bipolar Disorder 2. Depersonalization disorder 3. PTSD. One or two or all three. But she says that I shouldn't think that there is something wrong with me-she says that sounds like my father who has told me that there has always been something wrong with me. I might possibly need medication..She is willing to work with me for FREE until university insurance kicks in, but the meetings will be once a month instead of once a week.
But right now I am planning a trip to Senegal for winter vacation (3 weeks). Awe.Some. Basically, the plane ticket roundtrip is very expensive (and room and board might be too, but I'm looking for hostels) but everything else like food is cheap... I'm saving money and reading travel blogs. And learning what not to do while there.. I'm an Antropology and African Studies major and the summer between junior and senior year I will study aboard in Dakar, so this upcoming trip is just a liitle taste of the future. And I want to be fluent in french by the time I graduate-that is a goal of mine. I will have had one semester of french before my trip. I will be taking a year of french my sophmore year. And next summer I will do this 6 weeks in Paris program. Plus a whole summer semester in Dakar, and I should truely be fluent.
I'm really happy right now-but that might just be the upside of the manic-depresssiveness. But I don't want to think about that now. (Oh crap. I just read some info. on Bipolar disorder.. I could have that..
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Wow, El, that's great!
Well, I don't mean a label or two...but it sounds like you're going to LIVE YOUR LIFE, labels or none.
(Probably would be good to see the shrink though, in case you need Rx for balancing.)
My D's father lived in Senegal in the Peace Corps, and my D loved African Studies.
I majored in French and I've always wanted to go to Africa.
Go have an adventure for this ole bat!
And keep checking in okay?
mother duck clucks,
Hops
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Hey El.
You sound happy to me too. Not manic, lol.
I think getting some answers, even if they're very iffy, have given you some energy?
Also, cograts on that very ambitious plan of yours.
I love the French language.
Never been to Africa but you're lucky to be studying something you have a passion for.
I wasn't this poised and focused at your age, I can tell you.
You're a very special person. It sounds like your therapist is too.
I do hope you get into once weekly sessions before long. When does campus insurance kick in?
Looks to me like you're making plans to reach your dreams.
Nuff said: )
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My insurance kicks in August 30th. And I have always longed to travel..and I thought why not now? I already have a passport and I don't need a visa since I'm staying under 90 days. All I need is cash..haha.
Hopalong,
Why didn't you go to Africa? It isn't too expensive, minus the flight.
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El,
You don't sound manic to me either. You sound happy. I'm so glad you are going to do those things for yourself, and your trip sounds amazing. Have fun and good luck!
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Hey El,
After college I had an invite to spend a year in Abijan, Ivory Coast, but couldn't afford the air fare. I got another invite for London, so I went there.
I am not done, darn it. I have been lolling around thinking "washed up" thoughts.
Thanks for reminding me!! Maybe I'll still go.
You keep taking care and doing the therapy, girl. You deserve it.
And whatever the labels may be, I know it will help you to have a handle on where to begin.
love
Hops
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today wasn't very good. I felt low. ANd I got reprimanded at work and I dissassociated. Then it was hard for me to breath all afternoon and it was hard to move my limbs. My enegry progressively dropped.
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Dear El,
A label is just a "moment in time" IMO. As you grow and get confidence, that label could totally change.
My all time favorite book is From Bondage to Freedom by Frederick Douglass. He "invented" dignity(IMO) Love Ami
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El,
That's hard. I have a very hard time with reprimands at work as well. Particularly when it seems unfounded. I understand how it takes the energy out of you. It helps to know that each glitch is an opportunity to grow--but it's still hard.
I hope tomorrow is better. You are doing so well.
CB
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El.... sorry you had a tough day today.
It's important to try to keep the reprimand in perspective. It was just a reprimand and you're still going to be OK.
I haven't figured out how to get passed the breathing problems during stress. Sorry.
I'm thinking that feeling your feelings and crying or screaming or whatever's inside, needs to come out and then you'll be able to breath again.
I can't always find time to do that. You have to plan these things (and being puffy for a bit)
You'll have good days and bad days. It's typical. (((((El))))))
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Hi el,
Do any of you INTJ people have problems with authority?
If the authority is corrupt from the core and I know it, then I have a problem with it. One that we're all familiar with is the 'speed trap'. Doesn't it always smack of corruption?
Do any of you INTJ people have problems with authority? I have massive problems with authority. I can't stand any authority figure telling me what to do..but this might be a by-product of my abuse, amplified by the INTJ traits (Or perhaps my INTJ traits were enhanced from the abuse.
You may have captured the core of what drives your rejection or aversion of authority. It makes sense that one, the abuse plays into the other, the personality type. My guess is that the abuse plays a much bigger part in it.
Authority isn't always about external forces, though it certainly could have looked that way growing up in the crazy environment created by your dad. Here on the board, we talk a lot about boundaries, or if you please, the guidelines we've established and continue establishing to govern the outwardness and the inwardness of self. We guard against losing what we've reclaimed.
Those of us who were abused almost always have to consciously establish in adulthood, what those from healthy homes did unconsciously and gradually as they grew up. For them it was probably as effortless as their hair growing. But for us, it is tedious, makes us feel crazy, takes all our energy. It makes life harder. They (those who grew up in relative healthy environments) didn't have to 'become' alone. Neither should we. I'm glad you have a T. I'm glad you read and post here. I'm glad you are smart, aware, motivated, and determined. I'm glad you're proactive in seeking wholeness.
It is our gift to ourselves to take authority over our ourselves, our habits, our emotions, our vices, our gifts, our time, our attentions, our intentions. Having done that, we are about as well-equipped as we will ever be to make accurate, informed, healthy judgments about external authority, which in turn will eliminate the need to reject all authority out of hand.
tt
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TT,
I have to quote you entirely because this is brilliant, cogent, and so helpful. You have a talent for summing up the core structure of the deepest work in just a few sentences that show unshellacked truth but in a way that feels, on reading it, that if I hear this, I can take reality in my arms and keep breathing. Once again, you've turned on a light for me and encouraged me at the same time.
Do any of you INTJ people have problems with authority? I have massive problems with authority. I can't stand any authority figure telling me what to do..but this might be a by-product of my abuse, amplified by the INTJ traits (Or perhaps my INTJ traits were enhanced from the abuse.
You may have captured the core of what drives your rejection or aversion of authority. It makes sense that one, the abuse plays into the other, the personality type. My guess is that the abuse plays a much bigger part in it.
Authority isn't always about external forces, though it certainly could have looked that way growing up in the crazy environment created by your dad. Here on the board, we talk a lot about boundaries, or if you please, the guidelines we've established and continue establishing to govern the outwardness and the inwardness of self. We guard against losing what we've reclaimed.
Those of us who were abused almost always have to consciously establish in adulthood, what those from healthy homes did unconsciously and gradually as they grew up. For them it was probably as effortless as their hair growing. But for us, it is tedious, makes us feel crazy, takes all our energy. It makes life harder. They (those who grew up in relative healthy environments) didn't have to 'become' alone. Neither should we. I'm glad you have a therapist. I'm glad you read and post here. I'm glad you are smart, aware, motivated, and determined. I'm glad you're proactive in seeking wholeness.
It is our gift to ourselves to take authority over our ourselves, our habits, our emotions, our vices, our gifts, our time, our attentions, our intentions. Having done that, we are about as well-equipped as we will ever be to make accurate, informed, healthy judgments about external authority, which in turn will eliminate the need to reject all authority out of hand.
Thank you, TT.
love
Hops
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Hops,
TT,
I have to quote you entirely because this is brilliant, cogent, and so helpful. You have a talent for summing up the core structure of the deepest work in just a few sentences that show unshellacked truth but in a way that feels, on reading it, that if I hear this, I can take reality in my arms and keep breathing. Once again, you've turned on a light for me and encouraged me at the same time.
That made me feel good, heard, and appreciated. Thank you :)]
Also, Hops, glad this spoke light to you. Every little bit helps, eh?
tt
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Helps a lot, TT.
I was just faced with a moment of "taking instructions" from my boss today
and I think I was able to meet it with no resentful vibes because your post
must've been in my head somewhere.
And emptying myself of kneejerk resentment of bosses protects me.
And the day went well.
Thank you again!
Hops
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Hi El,
My childhood was similar to yours.
I am sorry I didn’t post to support you sooner – I have had a difficult month.
Interestingly, I too tested INTJ – I have to say, it pretty much nailed my personality.
I am in awe of you. You recognized the abuse and managed to break out of that vicious environment at such a young age – you are remarkable.
I have no doubt that the strength you have that helped you to survive and to escape that house of horrors will carry you through the next phase, healing.
Life does get better once the awareness kicks in. There will be ups and downs, if you hit a tough spot (it sounds like you hit one recently), please always remember:
You are a survivor – through no fault of your own, you were dumped in hell – inch by bloody inch, you clawed your way out of that pit – you, and you alone, saved yourself. Now that you are at the top of the pit – the rest, although it may seem hard, comes nowhere near to as hard as it was where you used to be. You are a survivor.
Peace
PS – What do you think about taking legal action against your genetic donor (can’t really call him a father) and sue him in civil court? Tayana posted a story of a lawyer who is an advocate for abused children (Andrew Vachss). He seems like just the shark to do this. If he can’t help, he might know someone who could. If I had thought of it then – I would have written my story, sent it to a lawyer to get his opinion on suing my father to pay for my therapy and to get a restraining order against any further contact. You deserve that and more from that twisted loser. Personally, it would also have given me a great deal of satisfaction to “beat” my father in a court of law – to get him labeled an abuser as he deserved, and to make him pay restitution for the wrongs he committed. As an aside, by suing and winning (and I don’t think there is a jury out there that would find your father not guilty) – you might be able to set a legal precedent that will help to protect others that are going through the same thing. It might not stop the abuse – but it might give other people the financial aid they need to heal from the abuse they suffered. Maybe something to keep in mind for the future if you aren’t (completely understandably) ready for this yet.
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hi all,
finding peace,
I am not ready to go to court. isn't there a statute of limitations on abuse, anyway? I don't want to go to court.
I had a revenge plan in mind though: mail copies of the police report (only evidence documenting his violence) to family friends to shatter his image. But it isn't worth it. And I'm just lazy.
Friday was a truly bad day.
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Hey El,
I'm sorry Friday was so hard.
Thanks for popping in here.
I don't think you can fix everything about your childhood in a grand gesture right now,
it'd be overwhelming. You can feel your way forward one day at a time.
You're doing a great job, tackling your emotional stuff in therapy and looking forward.
You'll be dragged back and forth in your mind some, it's normal. Try not to worry, hon.
Have a peaceful Sunday....breaaaaaaattttthhe. Be kind to yourself. Very kind.
(Even if you're not sure you know how, think loving thoughts toward yourself.
Just dictate them in your head...enough practice, it becomes real.)
love
Hops
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hi all,
finding peace,
I am not ready to go to court. isn't there a statute of limitations on abuse, anyway? I don't want to go to court.
I had a revenge plan in mind though: mail copies of the police report (only evidence documenting his violence) to family friends to shatter his image. But it isn't worth it. And I'm just lazy.
Friday was a truly bad day.
Eh.... you may put that report in the mail, yet. You've got lots of time and emotions are will be all over the board. That's normal.
If a wave of anger sparks enough energy...... you may get to it.
Sort of a walking meditation thing, lol.
I wouldn't spend any time feeling guilt, if it happens.
Sounds like it may go easier on your sisters..... if everybody knows what he is.
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Personally, I don’t see it as lazy – I think (incredibly wise for your age) your focus is exactly where it needs to be right now – on you.
AND YOU SO, SO, SO DESERVE THIS.
There is always later if you change your mind. The funny thing (or disgusting thing – depending on how you look at it) about law is that it is a moving target – if there is ever a point at which you feel ready to pursue legal action against your father, regardless of the “law,” and “statute of limitations,” a good lawyer will win (little cynicism there – but, hey, why not make the system, which is oh-so-flawed, work for you.) If you decide you never want to pursue legal action against him - completely understandable - court would be very hard.
What happened Friday? (If you want to talk about it.)
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Hi Bean - thanks for the welcome (kindness means a great deal to me!)
Hey El - just wanted to add that I am sorry that Friday was hard. How are you doing today?