Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: changing on June 28, 2007, 07:28:30 PM
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I am married to a N man who plays softball 5 days a week, refuses. to work, and abuses me physically and verbally. I have not had a vacation in many years.(He has, though When we have gone away, he would not even give me 5 dollars- he would rather gamble $500 away. I asked him to leave last night- he says he's looking, but I don't know if that's true. He wants to stay here until a legal case is settled (says it will help the case). Still, he doesn't want to help with bills, etc- he spends almost his entire check on pornography and Starbucks, liunches, etc. Almost all of my money is gone. I would like to go to the beach, on a little trip, etc. I would also like to spend a whole day with nice people, not hearing his foul words. I sleep on the couch- he doesn't want to turn off the disgusting shows he watches. Oh, and the biggest thing- he lies constantly. I am ashamed that I am " married" to someone like this, and I can't tell anyone. It's too humiliating. But I want to go forward, and enjoy my life again.
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Dear Changing,
I am so sorry. It sounds as if you have lost your hopes and dreams. It sounds like you have been enduring a huge betrayal.
I can tell that you are tired and discouraged. I wish that I could do something to help you.
I have been through betrayal and it hurts so very badly.
Keep writing. Many people have been through similar situations I send you a Cyberspace Hug
Ami
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Changing,
No you just told us. No more secrets. Your heading in the right step. I encourage you to talk, talk, talk. Also do you have a T?
You do not have to suffer in silence anymore.
What about the physical abuse? Are you safe?
Deb.
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THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR WRITING! It is so wonderful to get support. I hope NH leaves tonight. If he touches or threatens me, I am going to the police. I had a therapist, who thought that I should stand up for myself more, but I couldn't tell him about the violence. I will look for someone else now.
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Changing,
It sounds like you've been beaten down after many instances of abuse. When you pass over an instance of abuse without "calling it out" - without saying, "That's wrong, don't do that anymore", you are basically saying nonverbally that it's okay.
So, when he refuses to work and mooches off you, that is instance #1. When he takes your money and gambles it away, that's instance #2. When he goes off and has fun without fulfilling any obligations, that's instance #3. You now have 3 instances of crossing the line b.s. You have more than the grounds to say get your butt off that couch and find yourself a place to stay tonight. If I can find you, I'll serve divorce papers on you. Good bye!
What's the worst thing that could happen? He'd get mad, angry, spiteful? Isn't he already?
And you'd have a big comfy couch to splay out on and money for your vacation that doesn't go to his habits.
I know it's hard. But once you're through it, it's such a burden lifted.
If it sounded like this guy had any redeeming qualities, I'd tell you to think hard about it, but you did not mention one redeeming quality about this person.
You have the strength inside, you have the voice. You just have to open up and say what you think.
Hugs to you,
Dandylife
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Thank you for your help. I am a little shaky, but am looking forward to a time of peace and happiness.
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Changing,
My friend just got a PFA against her husband.
He is not allowed into the home. He has been ordered for drug counseling. He cannot call the house.
You do have rights! Find out what your rights are!
CB is correct. Call a local center. Or dial an 800 abuse hotline. There is help out there Chang!
There is happiness and peace. Now you go for it.
Keep yourself safe.
Let us know how you are.
Deb
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Ahhhh, changing:
I'm not really fit to post right now but....
if I were you I'd get out of that marriage too.
I'[ll share some important lessons I've learned, maybe they'll help.
1) You don't have to put up with that behavior and it doesn't matter who knows what a pig your husband is.
2) It's going to come out sooner or later so get over the shame, I have, and focus on what you have to do to get out.
3) Interview attorneys and don't let your husband know about it.
4) You can get a 30 day divorce if there's nothing to fight over and you have everything ironed out ahead of time.
5) What resources do you really have? Do you have family? Are they near? Can they help you? In what ways?
6) Do you have friends you can confide in? You NEED TO SHARE what's happening to you. Even if you start out small, with one person. Also, CALL THE POLICE THE NEXT TIME HE LAYS HIS HANDS ON YOU!!!! VERY IMPORTANT!!!!
7) Start drinking plenty of water and taking vitamins. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Now it's up to you to get yourself out. Use your anger to do something about it.
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My NH slept here last night, but this morning my NH woke up, and asked if I wanted him to go. I asked what he wanted, and he said "I want you to get some help!" He then went to softball, and came back in the afternoon and said "i've got a place!". He seemed very happy. He has left before, but I have never thrown him out before. He wouldn't spend any savings to help with the bills, etc., but he took some out to pay for an apartment. He wouldn't help with any manual labor, but he was motivated, as usual, in his own behalf. I felt guilty, as he had said that I was kicking him when he was down (no job), but it wasn't thelack of a job, it was the threats of killing and dismembering me, the constant curses, the wild spending, the put-downs the lies, and the most embarrassing- the pornography. I haven't been able to sleep in my bed for so long. He made it clear that he did not care for me, and that I was utterly unattractive. Then he explained that this is what happens in every marriage, and shut up about it. He has a lot of money saved, wouldn't spend it on me or our obligations. I guess he was saving it up for later, when he could move more easily. He actually asked if he could stay and I could continue to pay the bils, while his money went to his own pleasures. Still, I felt guilty somehow.
When he returned in the afternoon, I had been cleaning, etc. It was so much easier without him here- For 3 years he has been home all day, except for softball, Starbucks, or shopping (not with me- he took me to the laundry) and things got progressively worse. I couldn't keep up with him. 3 meals per days, all day in bed except for softball, etc.) He came in and said, "This hoiuse hasn't looked like this for 3 years". I don't think he saw the significance of the time period. He was dragging things out to his car, and the house quickly became messy again. We were getting along, but when I asked him to put something on the bottom of the refrigerator in order to avoid marring the wood floors, he called me a B----. I won't miss that at all.
Still, I have cried and cried. I spoke with my next door neighbor (a dear and wise friend) and she seemed glad for me. Yet I feel like, if I were a competent woman, I could manage things better, and perhaps we would have been happy, perhaps he wouldn't be so disgusted with me, and he would have been inspired to act accordingly. He does seem to hate women over 25 however, and I will continue to become older and older and older (he is older than I am), so I am somewhat comfortable in my feeling that there is nothing that I could have done.
I am anxious about what will be happening in the future- I also have had a major crisis come up in another area, so I hope it doesn't weaken me to the point that I make too many mistakes. Maybe we will both be happy. (Is this another fantasy?)
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Changing,
sounds like you're mourning the relationship that could have been, rather than the relationship that you had.
That's what happened to me when my dad (N) died. I mourned for the relationship I never had - with a dad who'd hold your hand. Eat an ice cream cone with you and when it dripped just wiipe it up not tell you how stupid you are for spilling.
Those feelings are very real. Let yourself have the full experience and mourn. You'll be healthier and stronger for it.
Dandylife
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Changing,
Aw I'm sorry. You go ahead and cry your eyes out. This is all part of the process with healing.
I think your are going to be able to explore and enjoy things again. Little by little. One day at a time.
You will get happier and find your inner peace.
Don't blame yourself for his short comings. You think about what you want to do now.
Maybe you can go sit by that beach even if for one day listen to the ocean and read a book.
I love the ocean.
Deb
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This board is great. I am not feeling the pain that would come if I were alone (maybe it doesn't seem real yet, either). Thank you for caring.
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(((((((((((Changing))))))))))))
love from another one who cares
I send you strength and support and
confidence in YOU.
Hops
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((Changing))
You picked an appropriate siggy name.
First, I want to take a moment to push my jaw closed. I'm so disgusted with that little twist N, I could spit.
He took the refridgerator? OUT of YOUR house? And...... did you happen to have a spare?
Second.... you were worrying about how you'll feel in the future, I think.
Let me tell you a little something about that.
The truth, I think.
I hope.
Some reasonable version of it, lol.
Well... let's just say it's been my experience, many times.
You're going to feel all kinds of anxiety and worry over how you're AFRAID you're going to feel. You've lived with a lot of guilt and fear, it's habit. Not sure when it started but it IS habit or you wouldn't have let this man treat you this way.
This pain you're going through isn't necessarily a bad thing. Think of it as a GROWING pain. You will grow through it and you will grow out of it IF you don't try to sidestep it.
KNOW THAT YOU WILL FEEL BETTER soon. And don't fear it any more.
There will come a day when you just feel lighter.
Your spirit feels a ittle free one day.
You didn't see it coming. Y
ou're surprised by it, in fact, when it arrives.
You experience a little guilt over it when you process that..... this is just the beginning of feeling MUCH MUCH BETTER.
Life without that little twisted excuse for a man will be....... less worry.
Less work. Less expensive.
Less trouble.
Less humiliation.
Less shame.
Less pain.
Less guilt.
The natural by product is that you'll have much more time and space to experience OTHER things.
Recovery for you will be quicker if you start sampling things you think you're interested in. Things that build you up. Things you want to fill your life with.
You may not be ready for that. You may have more mourning to do. You may be very depressed and slide down walls for a while but.......
At some point you'll DO something else.... what shall it be? It's ok to feel a little anxiety here but, why not concentrate on feeling up for a little adventure intead? You can choose how you feel about it.
What do you love?
Do you even know?
Now's the time to explore that question, if you don't.
Don't think about it too hard if it doesn't come easily. You may still need to grieve and feel bad, just to get beyond it.
Go ahead and roll around in the shower and cry and scream and FEEL your pain and rage and, most of all your sadness. For everything..... cry and rock and cry some more.
Wail like a wounded animal till it subsides then scruff yourself nicely from head to toe (taking care with your feet and elbows....hands and face)
Do your hair (whatever ritual or process that you do when you're taking care of yourself) making sure you're done with the mourning and crying then dry yourself off.
Put on some lotion (thatyou love but haven't taken the time to use in a while.)
Notice how nice it is.
Notice that you love it and realize that you love it still.
Put on something you've ironed and taken care with.
Something you love to wear and feel good in.
Put on your makeup, if you wear any, do your hair or twist it up wet, whatever you feel like doing.
You're going out into the day and you're going to DO something for you!
Planned or not, going will be good for you.
No, not Starbucks. ::shaking head::
You need to do something new, something that yours and yours alone.
No, a walk next to the softball field.
Something that leads your mind to new and better places, even if they aren't exactly pleasurable, they need to lead you in a different direction.
You're simply exploring right now, without any expectations. Don't build it up in your mind, just go.
THIS IS AN ADVENTURE!
If you can't think of anything obviouse, like visiting a scrap book store bc you love that stuff.... then go to the bookstore.
Lot's to choose from. Little ones, big ones, one with coffee and ones without. What I love about them myself is to wonder the isles as they lead me and gather a stack. I take them to a lovely little private nook and curl my feet up under me with a latte. I touch the books and I see which ones speak to me. I choose and select and get engrossed or I go and make other selections.
By the time I'm ready to go..... I've learned some important things about myself. What I need to grow. I purchase the books that spoke to me and I leave feeling more educated, armed and happy to have books that I really needed at that time. You may have one on Narcissism and one on asserting yourself. Another on watercolors, in which case you know you're heading to the art supply store next, right?
YOU GOTTA GET A COUPLE THINGS FROM THE SALE SECTION!
On the other hand, you may join your church's book club. I just love the ornery elerly people in mine. Lots of years of wisdom and experience and they like having a younger opinion around.
I adore having them around me, that's for sure. Even if I have to absolutley DRAG myself there, I enjoy BEING there. The payoff will be worth the effort.
Think of it as walking up to a door and opening it.
It may not be a door that leads to something grand but....
by God it may lead to a few other doors that do. Job, friends, new hobby that feeds your soul..... a connection to someone new.
If waxing your car brings you good feelings... wax and detail your car but DO something. Garden? Can things?
It certainly will lead you away from where you are and where you are is painful and uncomfortable.
Those feelings have been telling you something.
They have a message.
You don't belong in a place that hurts and makes you uncomfortable.
You should move on. It's OK to go, it's time.
I'm giving you permission to do so now, if you've always felt you weren't allowed, shouldn't go or couldn't get free.
It's OK.
Don't think of it as the death of your marriage, for surely it wasn't a marriage.
One person exploiting another and scapegoating them so they don't have to own any of their own character flaws is NOT a marriage.
It's exploitation and it's evil because he traded on crushing your spirit and breaking you down so you wouldn't question his odd, cruel, lazy, DISHONORABLE behavior and treatment of you.
He may look like he's having a great time somewhere else. He may talk about livin the dream without you but......
it's really
really
hard
to be happy
perched
on
a that little rock of his......
in hell.
And he's precariously perched, at best, because you were the foundation from which he used to lounge comfortably.
The little piece of rock he owns? It's crumbling and poorly made.
:::whispering::::: that means he'll probably be back.
It means, if you're unlucky, you'll be hearing from him.
It means you're you'll be better off IF you are busy doing other things when he comes around.
If you are able to IGNORE him altogether, so much the better for you.
If you can't just ignore him, You're allowed to say things like.... "Gee, I'm sorry you're such a mess and in pain, I have run" then GO.
or..... ""Gee, I'm glad you're happy, I gotta motor, bye" Then GO.
or......"Ya know.... I appreciate the offer to serve you but.... I'm busy now, No." Then go. Run. NOW!
Don't take his phone calls and chat with him about him for hours. Just don't. HE IS BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR AND CAN'T BE FIXED. That's all you have to know. You won't be able to figure out why but if you must understand more then read on it, don't discuss it with him. HE'LL NEVER GET IT. You're time is better spent on YOU. Not him. Your job is to figure out how to NOT pick broken men/people/things for yourself. Your job is to start making better choices, new mistakes.
It's important to honor yourself.
Dignity will present itself when your N comes around or phones.
Avail yourself to it!
Think of it as a new start.
No dress rehearsals, dear.
One door leads to another.
One good feeling clears space for the next.
Make better choices,
N is a bad choice,
awful feelings will end and good feelings will come again.
Good luck: )
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Hello Hops-
Thank you for your generous support and intelligent empathy. It has been a great source of comfort and inspiration. God Bless You.
Changing
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Dear Changing.
I don't know how I missed your story. Yesterday, was a huge emotional day for me ,so I guess that is how.
I wanted to speak to your "feeling guilty. My "primary"emotion, sometimes , feels like it is guilt. I feel guilty for no reason. Then ,if there is a little reason, I feel REALLY guilty.
I realize that my mother controlled me with guilt, That way, I would not have any strength to go against her.
It is a step by step process of facing the truth about our life and our emotions. However, I am healing. I wish that I could just "get it over with" ,but it is step by step. Keep writing and sharing A Big Hug Ami
((((((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Lighter and Ami-
You are awesome. It really helps to have your support and feedback. Actually, Lighter, it was an extra refrigerator, but I think he may have taken my cell phone (not sure yet)!
Thank you again,
Changing
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Good Lord ((((((((changing))))))))
what you are going through, what you have been through, I can't get my mind around this. I'm literally speechless.
(((((((((( ))))))))))
So sorry... you have been so alone, for so very long.
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Glad to hear you're still in frozen desserts, lol.
How's it going?
Is he leaving you alone, I hope?
If he is, it's a blessing in disguise.
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Hello Lighter-
NH called and gave me a phone number and post office box address. I cut the conversation short, and had a lovely, peaceful evening. It certainly helps a great deal to have a chance to express what is going on, and to learn from the experience of others. But it is the interest, kindness and support of this board that makes it, and the members, a real treasure.
Thank you and hugs,
Changing
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Thank you, ((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))))).
Hops
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Glad to hear you didn't allow him to waste your time..... or dignity.
Time to ignore him like he's an unwelcome ghost stalking you with maliciouse intent to do harm to you.
Keep in mind, it takes an average of 6 weeks NO CONTACT (with your average bear stalker) to get him to lose interest.
You HAVE to have contact with him bc of the divorce. Darnit.
If you find you can't keep it ALL BUSINESS, then ask your attorney to demand all future correspondence go through his office. Have you begun shopping attorneys?
Begin shutting down anything and everything that your N has access to.
Close joint bank accounts. Savings accounts. Who's name is on the house, utilities, tax bill, car insurance, tag information, car titles, safety deposit box, who has access to important papers? Did you file jointly on your taxes? How are you handling that? When was the last instance of physical abuse? Can you file charges now? Are you afraid he'll hurt you again? Should you be?
Unfortunately, attorneys and pretty much everyone tends to downplay physical violence. Don't do it to yourself. Domestic violence needs to be noted in the file as a factor in dealing with the divorce. DO NOT LET THEM PHRASE IT IN SOME CUTE WAY THAT DISMISSES IT!
Now... playing devil's advocate for ya here..... the reason they want to downplay the violence and any other cause of action, like cheating, is because it muddies the water and adds time to the proceedings. Most people file under Irreconcilable Differences, no matter what happened because it's easiest and in my state, the division of property is still 50/50 no matter what happened in the marriage.
Downplaying violence in the beginning makes it harder to looke consistent and credible if your N behaves abusively towards you during the divorce proceeding. It's a catch 22, damned if you do and damned if you don't. He'll whine and complain and say he has nothing but goodwill towards you if you file the divorce alleging cruel treatment. He'll likely continue to be cruel if you don't. Eh... he'll probably be cruel no matter but, you see how this goes?
Go to radio shack and get a slim little voice recorder. I've used the Sony ICD-BH300 and had good luck. Olympus makes one that that works well too. You can record conversations with him face to face, conceal it or let him know you're recording. Use your discretion.
You can also record phone conversations. I bought the Olympus TP7, which is in a little bnox about 3" by 1/2". It's a small ear piece, cord and plug adaptors. It's suitable for cell phones. You insert the earpiece into your ear and put the phone against it so voice travels through earpiece, which is attached to MICROPHONE outlet on phone. HOLD THE RECORDER AWAY FROM THE PHONE OR THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION WILL BE ONE BIG DISAPOINTING SQIU&EELING NOISE YOUR HEART CAN'T TAKE!
BTW, most of the people selling this stuff won't know any more than you do and they tend to take your money then send you out the door with impossibly wrong information that will waster your money and hours of your time and cause you lost opportunity. Sorry so long but this is so frustrating when it happens to you!
Keep the recorder on you, making sure the cord isn't all messed up bc you'll pull the cord out of the recorder when you try to distance it from the phone in a hurry. Not good. You can always take your time then return a missed call after you get things situated and make sure you go over the record button and where to put recorder while recording. Just drop it in your purse or something. Be careful about what you say, remain calm and don't talk long. If he's threatening you, get it the first time, not later when he's wants to chat amicably and downplay the threats and abuse. You may not be afraid of him at this point. I hope he just lets you go without any trouble. Believe me, I do.
Do you need another credit card before you file? There are lots of offers out there.... choose something with 0% interest through at least August of 2008. Transfer balances from higher rate credit cards. Prepare yourself for war. No. Prepare yourself for an extended war, worst case scenario. Get your records together. Expect him to make insane demands for things he has no claim to. Expect him to drag this out. Hit him hard with the divorce when you strike and keep him off balance. Make sure your attorney understands that your N will most likely promise to cooporate then drag his feet and sabotage you at every turn.
Most attorneys will SAY that they understand N's. They will say they've heard it all. Most divorces even normal people go a little nuts. THIS IS DIFFERENT. Your N will almost certainly be deviouse and criminal in his dealings with you. Try to be as proactive as you can with protecting yourself in every direction.
Finding a COMPETENT attorney is key. Finding one that practices in your jurisdiction/county regularly is key. Finding one that has spent time as a Prosecutor may help you find an attorney who really does understand what you're telling him about the character of your N/sociopath. Interviewing female attorneys known for aggressively defending the rights of abused women might be the way you go. You have options and you should explore them all. Your N can't hire anyone you've spoken to either. Even if you have a short contact by phone, have your name put on their contact list so they don't even take your N's phone calls.
Do you need to close private checking accounts? Can you account for every check? He may have stolen checks from the back of a book you have lying in the box of new unused checks. Can you account for all your credit cards? Do you have any joint credit cards?
Begin journaling about your day. What you did and what time. That you are living in a bona fide state of separation starting on this day. You don't want him charging 30K in new tvs and sterios only to find your stuck with half that debt, right?
Change your passwords. Get new accounts set up, if in doubt. ALL NEW STARTING NOW is a great idea. It also shows you are consistent and separate as of now. He won't have access. If he has your cellphone, he has all the information in it too. EVERYTHING. Do you need to change things TODAY? Make a list and begin methodically going through it. Walking meditation for ya. It will provide peace of mind and help you feel more in charge of your destiny, powerful and less at his mercy if you do these things.
What about insurance? Who's paying that? Who's on it? Do you need to cancel it or take him off your policy..... get insurance for yourself? DO IT NOW while you can still think. It only gets worse when the attorney bills begin and N begins messing with anything and everything he can in order to punish and lash out at you for attacking him with the divorce and robbing him of hiis God given right to exploit you.
Protect your credit. Is he on your cellphone account? Are you on his? He can have your phone suspended if he's on it.... or cancelled. He can put a pass word on it if he has the last 4 digits of your SS# and knows the billing address. You'll have to go into the store and produce ID to change the password and get your phone turned back on. No big deal but..... he can do that even if he's not on the account. Be proactive where you can. If it's his cellphone account, you can have your number transferred ONLY WHILE IT'S STILL AN ACTIVE NUMBER. Once he puts it on suspend, you can't take it with you.
I realize I should have started a new thread for this. Sorry it's so long ((changing)) but I sure wish someone had told me all this before I started this process. You can also send copies of the STANDING ORDER to the insurance company and anyone else N may try to contact and make changes to accounts or policy's? To the bank or credit card companies too. To have on file. He shouldn't change anything once the Divorce has been filed, though the court won't life a finger to stop him if he does. What will happen is they will address it at the Temporary hearing, which you should get in 30 days but will prolly take about 45 to 90 days to get, so take copius notes and document document document. Set up files in advance so you don't become overwhelmed with paperwork and have a place to put your notes. Get a carry file that you can put things in for going out the door and keep up with easily. CHANGE THE LOCKS AND ALARM CODE AT HOME! Does he have a key to your car? Where is that extra key, btw? These are all things you should be on top of RIGHT NOW!
Good luck
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I almost forgot.
Do you need a personal mailbox to send your mail to so N doesn't get it out of your mailbox?
Do you need to clean out a bank box or get a new one in a friends name?
DO NOT STORE EVIDENCE IN YOUR CAR! If you store it at home, can you put a deadbolt on a closet or your bedroom door?
Don't trust that bank employees won't be schmoozed into giving him access to your accounts or security box.
Don't assume he doesn't have passwords.
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Dear Changing,
I am so glad that you are doing better.(((((((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Dearest Lighter and Amy-
Thank you for your help, I am so blessed to have your help, support and advice! Lighter, you are right- I have been barely able to cope- now I need to get moving on the legal aspects! You are also right about NH's criminal tendencies, and the rage at my taking care of myself. You are so generous in compiling all of that information and sending it to me- it is difficult for me to focus now, but I can follow a list. What a wonderful and precious gift. I feel less confused now-I haven't gotten a lawyer, closed accounts, anything, but I will tomorrow.
Thank you again,
Changing
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You're so welcome.
I want to make another suggestion.
It would be a good thing if you could tell someone, if not several someone's about what's going on in your life.
Having another head to keep you focused and bounce things off of is a good thing. Maybe take you by the hand and help accomplish things on your list. Visiting the bank. Getting that bank box in her name and putting you on it as someone with access... giving you BOTH keys to the box or ONE, depending on how much you trust them. Sitting down and helping you make calls to credit card companies and figure out bills. You are overwhelmed and another person who isn't will help you stay focused and on track.
If there's a friend or relative you trust, and be careful about who you DO trust, best to tell them now and get some support rathyer than wait, I promise. I waited too long. It was a grave mistake. I'm paying now. BE PROACTIVE!
Acting like everythings fine just works against you if things go spiraling out of control and nobody had a hint this was coming. You'll look insane and N will help keep that image of you rolling. NOT GOOD.
Tell them now. The shame of people finding out stings less than the shame of people doubting you later on.
Tell your friends and family and you won't have to dread their finding out any longer. I promise, it isn's as bad as you think it will be and you need the support
Accomplish getting your affairs in order and feel empowered.
Take charge of your life so you aren't constantly reacting.
I'd rather be the proactive person guiding destiny any day. How about you?
You're N doesn't expect you to adapt and make excellent choices.
He expects you to fall apart and be helpless.
Won't he be surprised, lol? (And off balance reacting to your offensive maneuvers)
Remember..... "Living well is the best revenge." With all the crazy things that will be going through your mind.... remember this. Fall apart when you really need to but make sure you're up and moving when you can be.
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Lighter,Lighter, Lighter!
Your admonitions have been so valuable to me. Your generosity in sharing your wisdom has been a great help! I have tried to share my situiation more with the people in my life, but no one has given the care, concern, and detailed information to me (including pitfalls in my own thinking and actions), that you have. I haven't completed all of my assignments yet, but am coming along. Thank you again.
Hugs,
Changing
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Yet I feel like, if I were a competent woman, I could manage things better, and perhaps we would have been happy, perhaps he wouldn't be so disgusted with me, and he would have been inspired to act accordingly.
You aren't married to a competent man so it makes no difference what you do.
He will never be happy because he is seriously screwed up so it makes no difference what you do.
He's disgusted with himself so it makes no difference what you do.
He acts according to his animal instincts so it makes no difference what you do.
None of his behaviors that you describe is justified by any of your actions. They are his problems and there is no reason why they should continue to be yours for one more minute.
What he describes is most assuredly not the way all marriages end up nor is it the way any of them should.
If he has found a new place to live it ought to be a kennel or maybe a pig sty.
mud
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Heh.... how do you really feel, Mud, lol? Don't hold back this time.
Changing..... how're you doing lately? Still getting things on your list done?
Remember, you'll probably be sliding down walls now and again, very sad and you need to do that some. Just don't forget it's your job to come out of being overwhelmed and continue to move forward.
Try to appreciate the little things and count your blessings.
Pssst.... ::whispering:: You're N being gone... is your biggest blessing right now.
Let us know what's going on. ((Changing))
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Mud you are a wonderful puddle of primordial good sense.
Lord love ya, man.
Hops
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Hello My Dears-
Things have been chaotic- I have had many commitments, as well as a major upset, to distract me from the NH situation. He put in for a change of address at the Post Office (I don't know his address), and I haven't paid his credit cards- I'm sure that he will be upset, but I had to pay COBRA insurance and house insurance, etc. Please pray that I can get a mortgage on my own for the house! Than you for your help and support- I think about your posts when things get rough. All in all, my health and happiness are much improved- no cursing or threatening or criticism !
Love,
Changing
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Hello-
My NH had his mail forwarded to his new location (I don't know where his Batcave is) . I found one of his opened credit card bills in my mailbox today- I suppose he thinks I've got to pay it, even though I had to pay the house insurance, house note, utilities, our joint COBRA bill, etc. I think I'd better hurry and get everything in place. Hopefully no big crises will occur in the rest of my life (as they did last week), and I can do it.
Changing
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Can you close the account?
I don't know the ramimificatios, but someone here will.
Changing, you are being wise and proactive and smart, and I know you will get through this stronger than ever.
Hang in there, keep posting (keep your records safe).
hugs
Hops
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Hi Hoppy!
The credit account was opened solely by him, and I don't have a card so I don't think that I can close the account. I need to serve him papers, and get his guns to someone as well. He was ordered to relinquish his guns until he gets a mental health clearance. Even though I paid the very expensive insurance bill, apparently he hasn't gone to his psychiatrist for therapy or to get his medications (his doctor keeps leaving messages)- What should I do ?
Anyway, thank you for your support and help- It has kept me together!
Hugs,
Changing
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Yup....ATTORNEY.
And ask to get those papers FILED.
I wonder if you can put a fraud alert on the cards, or something.
Your name's not on it but he put it in your mailbox, opened?
Then at least you have the account number, for future reference.
I'd turn it in to your lawyer?
I am no expert on these things, glad CB knows more about the financial practicalities.
When I divorced we had a separation agreement. He bought out my share of our house with a gift from his family. I used my share to make a downpayment on a little house in town. We had custody and visitation sorted out in the papers. We didn't own that much, but made a list of our division of our possessions that was included in the settlement. (Breaks my heart to look back and see that we actually included a spider plant. But we got things worked out okay. By the time it came around both of us were more sad than angry, I believe.)
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Hi Changing:
You sound really good.
I wouldn't make another payment on his credit cards, btw.
How dare that little shit drop it in your mailbox while keeping his forwarding address a secret from you.
And he thinks you'll just pay his credit card. Just wait till he sees what happens to his interest rate when that payment's late.
His problem. Not yours.
Have you started interviewing attorneys?
See the best and see the brightest in your county. Certain one's will be THE attorneys in that county. Just make sure you see them so he can't hire them, even if you don't like them.
Ask every one of them who they'd hire and why. Ask lots of questions and don't hire someone your friend's aunt knows. HIRE SOMEONE GOOD and very capable. Most have 60 or so clients. Make sure yours isn't just blowing smoke up your puttuty.
They tend to say whatever they think you want to hear then act all dazed when your case, and life, fall apart. See lots and see what you think. Do you need to pay off any of your own debt before you file?
Do you need to apply for more credit cards? That home loan in your name?
Once you file you aren't supposed to do anything that isn't within the normal course of business.
Do your debts need to match his so that it's a wash... instead of your picking up half of his? Think about it.
Keep us informed.
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because you stated your truest wishes and feelings about being living with an abusive husband, It seems to me that you are taking steps to free yourself from what must be an emotionally exhausting, scary, painful way of living. I, get it. I married two abusive men. first one was physically abusive. second one was emotionaly abusive to the point that I was sure he was crazy. He wasn't. Please do all you can to have a "safety plan" for when the day comes that you walk (or skip/run/speed-walk as I did out the door. your local womens' shelter can help. it's RE.ALLY important for your physical safety beacause an abusers sense of control depends on consistent access to the controllee. If that access is threatened their is most often a violent explosion like you've never seen (directly after the confusion and psudo please of needing you have been voiced by the abuser).
You are a loving human being who DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH ANYTHING OTHER THAN LOVING KINDNESS. Chances of him making significant, permanent, POSITIVE changes are around 3%-7%. This data is factual. and finally, Jill's reliable quote: "Every 5 years or so I look back on my life and I have a good laugh...." Indigo Girls. write something in a journal the day you leave, or even today, date it and look at it in 5 years. you'll see...!!!! :u )) May you have peace....
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Changing,
I wanted to be sick reading about your soon to be X. I think you have been given wonderful advice here from people who have been through the mill also. I loved Mud's post, very grounding stuff and good for me to hear also. Nothing you could have done would have made it any better. That is the conclusion I came to also, giving up on my own guilt was hard for me but part of the abusers game plan is to have you so unsure of yourself that you doubt your own name.
While you are making great strides on practical issues I wonder how you are doing? Do you have a T. What sort of support systems do you have in the 3dworld. Do you have a job?
Healing from this level of abuse is so painful and I think it is very important to have a support system. Are there any womens groups for abused women in your area. I know a long time ago I joined a group of abused women. I was in complete denial about what was going on in my life but the more I heard the stories of others the more I could take on board the abuse I suffered. The support of the women there was wonderful.
Please take care of yourself and WOW sending a cybermedal for having made such significant changes to your life.
Axa