Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: bigalspal on July 08, 2007, 09:01:23 AM
-
Hi everyone,
I was emailing my Aunt about my experiences with my NMother. She is my mother's sister & has been hurt terribly by her. Here's an excerpt from her latest email:
YEARS AGO SHE THREW A FIT BECAUSE CONSTRUCTION WAS GOING ON NEARBY AND THE WORKERS VEHICLES WERE IN HER WAY. SHE STOPPED AND CHEWED THEM OUT. I THINK SHE ALSOI CALLED THE COPS. SHE ALSO LET HER NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR KNOW THAT HE COULD NOT PARK HIS CAMPER NEAR HER FENCE. MIND YOU THE CAMPER WAS ON HIS OWN PROPERTY. SHE ALSO POISONED & KILLED A NEIGHBORS CAT.
Did the LAST LINE in this email shock you like it did me???
POISONED THE NEIGHBORS CAT??? I knew she was mean & cruel, but THIS!
I believe my aunt is telling the truth because she & my NMother were very close until she turned her wrath on her.
Someone on this board was said she could also be a psychopath, & now I think that is so true!
Has anyone else had this experience with the N's in their lives?
This has really shook me up!
Your friend, Bigalspal
-
I find that torturing and poisoning small animals is just about standard fair for N's.
There was a time my jaw dropped, but not anymore.
-
My jaw didn't really drop either, bigals and lighter. I'm married to an N, who saw nothing wrong with his father stepping on the heads of the rabbits they were going to kill and eat, and watching their eyes bug out. His demented "father" taught him that this was a FUNNY and FUN thing to do!
There have been so many times I almost divorced because of NH's stand on it being ok to harm our pets. He never truly killed one purposely, but he did step on a tiny kitten and smash its ribs, and act like it was "no big deal." I was with N-mentor at the same time, who, while I was holding the dying kitten, asked "you got more don't ya? it's only 1 cat, Laura."
-
Wow, you guys!
I guess I'm not alone in that alot of N's really blur the line between N's & psychopath's.
That is just so far from my personal truth, that it really blew my mind.
I do remember when I was a teenager, I had a horse. (My stepfather's idea, not my mother's).
Well, I became more interested in boys & stopped taking care of him. My dad did continue to feed & water him, so I did not expect what happened next. My NMother sold him without giving me a second chance to be more involved. Got off the school bus one day & he was gone!
I loved that horse :( I truly believe I would have stepped up to the plate if I would've had a warning. I also had a registered Collie. He was hit by a car. My stepfather did the right thing & put him out of his misery. What I didn't understand was when my mother told me to "shut up & stop sniveling". That hurt!
I guess when I look back, I really shouldn't be surprised my mother did what she did.
Bigalspal
-
Hi bigalspal
The "psychopathic triad" is a set of three behaviors that pretty much confirm that you are dealing with a sociopath.
Fire-setting, bed-wetting [as a child, long past the age of toilet training], and torturing or killing small animals.
I sound obsessed by this book but I'm going to refer to it again... 'The Sociopath Next Door' [it's out in paperback. Borders stocks it.] Because the psychopathic triad describes violent sociopaths, the ones who are headed for places like Pelican Bay.
You need more information about the sub-criminal kind...
God, I'm sorry you grew up with a mother like that.
-
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the replies.
I am going to get the book everyone has been talking about.
It always helps to read a book by a doctor or professional that confirms what you have been going through. But...You guys are my REAL professionals! We KNOW, don't we??!!
Bigalspal
-
The 'cat" is a big surprise to me. I guess I got "lucky" with my mother. She did not kill animals( lol)
I am very,very sorry, Friend. That would be a very huge shock to me. also.
It seems like it puts her in another category that is worse that just NPD.(IMO)
Keep sharing. I think that the "cat" thing
is HORRIBLE. My heart goes out to you. I can see why you feel awful Love Ami
-
Yes!
Violent acts such as that would likely classify her as a psychopath.
Izzy
-
My mother is a nurse and I have never seen her feel anything when a person dies. The only thing she has ever said about her work is that she hates abscesses (they gross her out). Basically, she just doesn't care enough about anyone to feel anything if they pass away and to her the job is just a necessity when my parents don't have enough money. I know that is not killing something, but to me feeling nothing while watching another die is similar.
-
What would I do without my dear friends to validate what I went through!
I think alot of people turn into psychopath's because they don't have peers like you guys to tell them "Whoa!, That's not acceptable!"
I don't know, maybe some are born that way.
Here's another example of her cruelty: My youngest brother has a daughter that he gave up of all his parental rights to years ago. My brother was raised by the same NMother I was & he was really messed up on drugs. Well now the child is in her teens & called her father to be a part of her life. My brother is a little better now & wanted to see her as well. My mother, her grandmother told him & me too, that his child was "Fat", "Ugly", was only out for the money! My brother doesn't have any money. That's besides the point. He wanted to see his CHILD!
They are trying to rebuild a relationship. My (our) NMother is fighting him every step of the way.
I told my husband that I would've been there for her with bells on!
I would put my arms around that grandbaby & weep tears of joy!
My NMother told me that she was a BITCH! This is her granddaughter. I haven't gotten to see her because I live so far away. My brother & I have issues, too. All a part of the pkg, I guess.
Oh, it's no wonder I'm walking wounded. But, at least I found all the great people on this board.
I love you guys!
Bigalspal
-
Hey Bigalspal,
BTW – thanks for the compliment on the screen name – and yes I think we all do definitely deserve some magical thinking sometime. I hope you had a nice “date” with Jack the other day.
When I was in second grade, we had a pet caterpillar in school that we watched as it turned into a butterfly. That summer I decided I was going to catch some caterpillars and watch them turn into butterflies. I collected about 5 of them, made a home for them in a tank – complete with mud, grass, branches, and a little pond. I watched them, made sure they had enough water and food, and waited. One day I came downstairs and my dad had my tank on the porch. As I stood there asking him what he was doing – he calmly raised a can of poison and sprayed all of them killing them. I asked him why – he told me they were a menace and that they needed to die. Now it isn’t like I lived on a farm where caterpillars can be a blight – it was a nice, quiet, suburban neighborhood. He proceeded to dump the little home I made out onto the ground and clean the tank out with the hose. I felt so guilty that I had led those little caterpillars to their death – at the time I thought if it hadn’t been for me, they would still be alive.
I know it sounds silly – but they were my pets (I had names for all of them).
About a year later, we were moving into a new home, and they told me they didn’t want my cat in the new home, so they told me they took "it" to a barn and dropped "it" off. I sometimes wonder if that is what they really did - to this day I am haunted by what really happened to her.
Ironically – when it came to dogs – it was the opposite. As children, we were never allowed sugar of any kind. Yet my mom used to keep a bag of chocolates in the freezer – it was for her and the dog (we weren’t allowed to have any – it is a wonder she didn’t poison the dog!)
You said –
That is just so far from my personal truth, that it really blew my mind.
This is so true for me – It is far from my personal truth too – and it still blows my mind. I have lived it and still can’t quite seem to get it.
Your momster's reaction to her grandaughter is just plain ugly. <<shaking head>> I don't have words except to say I am very sorry you have a momster like that.
Peace
-
Hi Peace,
I did have a nice date with Jack the other night!
He just didn't know it! 8)
I'm so sorry about your NDad treating you that way. How awful! :(
I thin they ought to be called NS's instead of just plain N's (no soul's).
They must be souless. Again, trying to make something make sense that is so senseless drives me crazy!
Love,
Bigalspal
-
This thread did remind me of the time my mother took our dog to the doctor for an abortion because the dog had somehow been out and gotten in "a family way." She didn't want to be bothered with puppies. I don't know why, but it seemed cruel to me.
You know, S & S, that is a very good point - do they torture the animals in private? Or use them the way they do their children (to get attention from the vet, the groomer, etc.)?
-
Beth,
That is so heartless! Seem to me she would've just sighed & tried to find the puppies a good home. That's what you & I would've done!
I think N's just cannot be bothered! After all, it was an aggravation to her. Heaven forbid it upset their applecart & burdens them with things they just don't want to be bothered with.
Plus, with my NMother, it she would've freaked out over the new cost of the puppies. MONEY is her GOD. That cost's too much. That was a big thing in my home.
We recently had a litter of kittens show up at our house. They are so cute!
Mind you, we are truck drivers & after my surgery we'll be on the road 3 weeks out of the month, so we can't take care of them. But, I have been setting food out for them. I know that's not a logical thing to do, but momma kitty was so skinny & hungry & pitiful looking that I had to do something! so I will deal with finding them homes before we go back out. I promise you I won't be KILLING them!
I know you wouldn't either!
Bigalspal
-
BigAlsPal,
I too was shocked. Horrified.
Worse, I feel sick at the thought of you having any contact with this woman at all, ever.
Hops
-
I'm not surprised that these Nparents have no heart at all about anything outside of themselves. I can remember when I was about 12 years old when a kid, close to my age died. We had known each other since the age of 5 and he had been born with multiple physical disabilities. I'm crying and grieving over the death of a child my age and here's my N-mother shoving all kinds of CRAP in my face demanding that I pay attention to HER and what SHE wants! She didn't care that a CHILD HAD JUST DIED!
Bones
-
Dear Hop & Bones.
I lost a whole post just a minute a go, so if it shows up I'm sorry!
Bones, That sounds just like my NMother. I'm so sorry, I KNOW that hurt! Death means NOTHING to them. Even a small child's.
Hop, I try to keep contact with her to a minimum. She always calls ME!
She not the other type of NMother who DEMANDS time & attention from her kids, so it's really weird.
I think it's because money is her God & I'm doing better with money than at leats one of my brothers. Plus, we are literally the only ones from the family who will actually talk to her. She gets such a rush out of hearing about my monetary accomplishments! Mind you, we are not rich, but we do have a nice home & car & a 4o1K. That just gets her off! And of course I'm an approval junkie! At least with her. At least it doesn't affect me the way it used to.
Here's another DOOZY for you:
When we moved from our tiny apt into this 4 bedroom house, we needed a dining room set. She stuck her nose in and said, "What you need to do is buy ONE CHAIR AT A TIME!".
My husband just laughed & shook his head. What else can you do? This from the same woman who manipulated my great aunts will to not include me. I might of been able to pay CASH for one if she hadn't done that! Oh the irony. She will always says things like "Don't you feel much better knowing you did this all by yourself?" ARRRRGGG! At least we live over 5 hrs away from the crazy making!
Thanks friends,
Bigalspal
-
IT is so awful- Friend. I am so sorry. (((((((((((((((((((((((Bigalspal))))))))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
-
Ami,
Thank you so much for the kind words!
I just love reading your replies to the hurting people on this board.
After all you've been through, you NEVER hesitate to comfort!
Love,
Bigalspal
-
It seems like it is a matter of the inconvenience of the animals for some of these people. My mother had two cats for several years and one of them started peeing on area rugs all of a sudden. Now, I can understand how annoying that is. My cats do that when a new animal is introduced or if one of them is bullying the others. They have ruined some furniture and that is annoying. But you deal with it.
She decided the one that was peeing would have to be put to sleep if no one could be found to take him. She asked me to take him and I said no because I already had four cats doing the same thing--I figured she would come to her senses anyway. That's a big deal to go have your cat killed just because of peeing. She had these same cats for years! I told her just let him go outside more and he would probably be fine. But he wasn't allowed outside because of fleas. None of my suggestions worked. She just wanted me to take him. But I didn't.
Sure enough, a few months later he was gone. I couldn't even ask her about it. The whole thing makes me sick. Basically, she feels it is my fault because I refused to take him. As it is, I ended up with another cat because my son brought home a stray. So, now I wish I had taken him. Amazing how I end up feeling guilty because my mother had her cat killed. When she came over to take me out to lunch for my birthday, the first thing she noticed was my son's cat. I told her it was temporary until he gets a place that allows animals. How did I end up being the responsible, guilty one?
-
PP,
Don't you feel guilty for not taking that cat! That's your NMother's sin to bare.
I know, HOW could she NOT help her long time treasured friend!
I guess, PP, unlike US, she has NO conscience!
Like you said, it was an inconvenience!
Oh these MONSTERS!
Take care friend,
Bigalspal