Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: motheroffour on July 10, 2007, 01:55:53 PM
-
Anybody have any tips or stratagies for letting go of pain, problems, etc.? I have been practicing believing that each day I will be given whatever I need. I had been praying about what to do with all of this new N information and how heavy and daunting it feels. Our last hynm talked about leaving our burdans to the Lord. Letting Him work it out in His own way and wisdom. And getting back to the work of living and loving and feeling peace. Even though I have told myself to do this many times, I have found it very difficult. Holding on to hurts wondering when healing would come. Needing so badly for things to change today! Last night I finally just prayed for God to help me with this seemingly impossible task of not carrying this emotional burdan everyday. Have any of you had success with letting go and letting God? Sometimes I can lay it down but it seems jump back on my back like a magnet. Like it is stuck on me --the fear, the pain, the aloneness, the isolation, not being perfect enough, or not being up to the challenge of all of this.....
And BTW, I must say that I am so impressed with the supportive and kind words I have received and as I have read some of what you share with each other. I am so deeply touched. I once read a story about an aborginal tribe in New Zealand and how they dealt with people who broke the law or made significant mistakes. They would take the offending individual and place them in the center of the village. Then every person in tribe would tell that person how wonderful they were. They would tell every experience and feeling they could think of for why they were loved and valued. This ceremony could go on for days. No one would leave until the crowd couldn't think of any more. You can probably guess that this tribe didn't have much trouble within itself. It make me think of what kind of people we would be if we were reminded how wonderful we are when our weaknesses show their ugly heads. Thank you for the kindness you do share. It is like water on the desert.
--Mof4
-
I think faith in God is very powerful.
Faith in yourself and your ability to make better choices, to care for yourself, is just as important though.
God wants us to help ourselves and I don't pray for deliverance from my dilemmas. I pray for God to help me help myself.
Dealing with your troubles is what heals you.
Forgiving yourself for making mistakes then making mindful choices in the future.... not repeating mistakes.... is so important.
Welcome Motheroffour.
-
Lighter,
I so hear you on the having faith in yourself peice. I think I am overwhelmed by the "dealing with our problems" thing. I feel like that is all I do. All of the "work" I do to get myself out of the "crazy-places" and the pain my environment seems to inspire. I don't really expect the problems to go away. I just find peace and acceptance and letting go so elusive. It all sounds so good on paper. How do you translate that into reality?
Mof4
-
I haven't translated it yet, to tell ya the truth.
I consider letting go some of my family members..... you wouldn't believe the craziness they keep going all around my own personal crisis and craziness.
That may be part of the translation for me in the final anaylsis.
Editing out craziness and making room for better things.
That sounds so awful, cutting out family members.
I can't wrap my mind around that and yet, I spoke with my Therapist today and he assures me that not everyone's life is this traumatic.
Not everyone has the struggles I deal with, and things could be worse, I realize that too.
I can't change my FOO's behaviors but I can certainly limit contact with it and perhaps end contact if that's what I decide needs to happen.
How do we limit the craziness in our lives?
I don't know what all your craziness is caused by.
I don't have any answers for dealing with an N husband, if that's part of your struggle.
I've left mine and my experience says that you can't find sanity in that position.
If you're mother or father is an N..... I'd have to say ending contact with that craziness is part of the answer.
I guess we edit craziness if we want less of it.
We get used to dealing with it if we want to feel better about dealing with it.
We join it if we want to feel at home with it?
-
I know what you mean by cutting off family members. Its not nice, right? Seems like the only way, but not realistic yet for me. Still working that one out. My life has lost a little of the craziness because of the steps I have taken to distance myself and nurture myself. I think that I feel so overwhelmed with all of it. My therapist, too, says that not many people deal with what I am dealing with. The truth is much of the caos is dying down. I think I have all the parts of it identified and I know where my pain is coming from. I have some coping stratagies in place and some selfcare stratagies as well. I simply don't understand why the intensity of my pain doesn't go away. Kinda feels like a volcano. Erupts in unexpected places. Then keeps coming and coming. I feel like I want so badly to let go of it. Can't decide some days if I hold it or it holds me. I guess I hold it. What ever you hold on to holds you, I have read. I guess I will continue what you suggest. Editing out craziness and making room for better things. How long have you been in recovery, Lighter? Does it take as long to find peace as it feels?
-
I've suffered from breakups and loss. I've been divorced before and that hurt but I got through. Every time feels like going into a void and it gets more familiar each time I'm there.
So.... I know certain things about it.
it doesn't last forever and everything will be ok, even if it's not ok. Knowing this helps so much.
All that pain has a message. Best to sit and listen to it than run around and ACT when you're in the middle of it.
Having a few really close people (or just one) to tell everything to, and still be accepted, is so important.
I read and read and read and research whatever it is I need to get through.
When a friend died, I things that helped me deal with that.
To get over relationships that were painful and held me back, I read GETTING THE LOVE YOU NEED and WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH and tons of other books, PEOPLE OF THE LIE and WHAT YOUR MOTHER NEVER TOLD YOU AND YOUR FATHER NEVER KNEW and so many so many. So helpful to gain knowledge and understanding about ourselves and other people. I'e given them away or I'd list more of them here, lol.
It also gives us something to do besides go crazy while we're waiting for the reality to sink in and become less oppressive and horrific and scary and overwhelming. Sort of like arming ourselves for when the siege subsides and we can peek our heads out again.
I want to feel worthy and comfortable in my own skin.
I want to know how to deal with my sib when she begins calling other family members idiots and condemning thier childrearing practices, leaving them out of her visits to transfer aggression then feel attacked when she's the one who drew first blood.
I just got the first call from her doing just that and I wish I hand't given her a cell phone to call me with. I wish I could have put that call off for one more day.
So, I guess you might not have sunk into the sadness yet and really experienced it all and let it out.
I'm told that you have to do that in order to feel better and stop feeling haunted. I've had some luck with this and I do believe it's true, on some level.
Really cry and sob and wail and feel everything so it stops tapping you on the shoulder.
I guess I'll do some of that now that I have the house to myself tonight.
I really hate it but.... I think I have to do it in order to move through it.
I get better at it. It was almost impossible to do when I first started. Now I can wail and carry on much easier, lol.
That sounds so odd but it's the way it is.
We have so many strategies to STOP the feelings. We hold our breath or we get sidetracked by the noises we make, lol. It's just not easy but I'd do that if you haven't already.
Most people live their lives trying to avoid the pain and they find it impossible to do this. They go from one distraction to the next and wonder why they aren't happy.
-
I am sorry that your day has brought you more need of tears. I hope that tonight there is good movie and something or someone to sooth the blow of your experience. Sounds like you have been through so much loss. And sounds like your sib isn't a very fun person. I appreciate that you and others see the value in the big cry. My goodness, I have cried so much. From the depth of my soul. I am tired. I am weary of all the processing.....the neverending processing. For me, It feels like a new bad habit. I am ready for a new step I think. My childhood, my 10 year marriage, all of it has been so painful. Pushed me to my very limit. But dang it. It happened. Just want to set it down. Not carry the burdan anymore. Don't know if you like country music.....Raschal Flatts sings a song called "Stand" The chorus goes like this
" When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of
you might bend til you break, cuz its all you can take
on your knees you look up, decide you've had enough
you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you Stand."
I am done. You know. I wanna get strong and shake it off and Stand.
--Mof4
-
Hiya, Mother of Four and Lighter.
I hardly ever pop my head in here anymore. But I just got the notion, and stumbled into this "conversation".
What a wonderful dialogue. I'll just add some ramblings, if you'll indulge me.
There is no "easy way out", I have found. I have been through a lot, as some of the old timers here might recall. This board was and is a nice place to spell it out, on our keyboards, to others who have similar stories and feelings. Anyway, it's just nice to read "new" names supporting each other.
Someone here (a long time ago) shared a poem. I've moved, so heaven only knows what box that poem is in, but it was about passing through things...not around, not over, but basically just feeling it (however awful it is) and passing through it. "Throwing ourselves into the sharp edges of pain" is what Pema Chodron would call it (I stink at direct quotes, but that's the gist).
What we think the solution will be, what we imagine the antidote to our pain will be, rarely pans out the way we expect.
I got through what I thought was the crucible....only to find that there is still pain (albeit different manifestations) on the other side. So patience is surprisingly helpful. Letting this "just suck and that's that" is another. I'm not real good at those two, but I know I would benefit from using them more often. I tend to be a "do-er". That's where the next bit comes from:
Pain tells us it's time to change. It's our teacher. It tells us there is some learning to do, some growth to experience. (or in my case, a narcisstic to get away from).
But we are human. And that means that we will always experience human-ness and the pain that accompanies it.
I realize that could sound depressing, but it's actually very refreshing for me. To know that I don't have to have it all figured out, to know that I CAN'T ever truly figure it out. When I remember that there is no solid ground under our feet, that we do what we must and what we think is right, but we never really get to know how it all will turn out......it's then that I can relax a bit, and give myself a break.
Hearing your dialogue reminds me of how hard I had to work (as you are now) to break free from opression and fear, and I am exhausted for you!
I will say, from my experience, that there is an amazing reward for doing this work you are now doing. It's not a castle in the clouds or a white knight to carry you away. It's just the ability to FEEL the journey for yourself, and to live and love the way you must, to make this life as rewarding (not pain free) as possible.
Re; letting go: I spent so much time trying to avoid/get out of pain, that I never really looked at it long enough to see it truly, and then let it go.
This is the best thing I learned: "the only thing I have to do with pain, is to let it go".
One of my mentors told me that.
She also taught me that you cannot let something go that you are not holding (and feeling) first. I was very good at feeling pain and very good at expressing that (an important step!) but not so good at letting it go. If it were easy to learn how to do this, I doubt we would have the kind of egoic conflict we now have in the world (and always have).
Anyway, to answer the question of "HOW do I let go of the pain?" there are a bazillion answers. Ekhart Tolle would say "drop it as you would a heavy suitcase full of crap you don't want" (pardon the liberties with the quote, Ekhart). And many buddhist teachings would have us look at what it is we are attached to/ afraid of losing. And Shakti Gawain might have us imagine the negative energy leaving our bodies in a very visual way.
And my very Catholic, late parents may have alternately told me to "offer it up for a sacrifice" or "keep the faith".
There are a million teachers, and a million more ways to find our path in this life. Jesus said, "seek and you shall find". This is it. Your asking. Now here goes. Open your eyes and hearts. The answers are going to start falling out of the sky into your lap.
You won't stop feeling pain. You may (as I have) think you have something figured out, only to say "crap, here I am again!". But you will know that pain does not have to be chronic, or a way of life. You can choose how you deal with it.
It's late, and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with how much I wish I could explain to you...how lucky (yes lucky) you are to be learning.......how many "light bulb moments" are around the corner. But words never do anything important much justice.
So I will just be sending
love and light to you.
Mum
-
::sigh:: I really enjoyed that post, Mum.
Thank you for sharing it: )
-
Oh, Mum.
Thank you.
with humble love,
Hops
-
Mum,
Thank you for popping in. Your words are like a warm blanket.
mof4
-
((((((((((((((((((((((((mum))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
so much love to you
moonlight
-
So good to see you Mum!
pain does not have to be chronic, or a way of life. You can choose how you deal with it.
Amen!
Hi Moon! Love to you too!
MO4, the only "tip" I have is that our thoughts greatly effect the way we feel.
Like it is stuck on me --the fear, the pain, the aloneness, the isolation, not being perfect enough, or not being up to the challenge of all of this.....
I've had thoughts like this.....thinking, believing I was stuck, not good enough, not able to withstand the challenges. And I've felt fear, pain, aloneness and isolation etc. Do you see where the thoughts are intermingling with the feelings?
The trick is to catch the thoughts and argue or banish them before they get a chance to generate feelings, or at least put a stop to them, which will effect how we feel after that. Not always so easy either but definately doable.
For instance: Catch the...."it is stuck on me" thought and agrue it. Is it really that powerful that there is no way to shake it off? What? The best, strongest, never loosening glue is holding it there? (you could be rich marketing that product!! :D). It? Meaning the feelings of fear, pain, etc? Feelings are stuck and won't budge/can't budge?
Picture a great pry bar in your brain. Wedge it in there and unstick those thoughts. Pour loosener on the glue! Many have felt as you do and come out of it. You can too. You are not stuck there forever. You will pry your way out, if you decide to.
Is everything out of your control? The isolation? Can you do anything to change it? Find a support group, join something, volunteer, start a coffee hour, find people to share with?
Not perfect enough? Banish this thought. No one is perfect and you won't be. Tell yourself it's ok to be human and to make mistakes and to be imperfect. Don't allow this thought of being unworthy to stay in your head. It doesn't help anything and it's not realistic. Where did this thought come from? Examine the facts and see if you really are as awful as you imagine? Or has someone suggested that you are?
Can't do the challenge? Rearrange this one? This is a challenge and you will keep trying to get through it. Evenually, you will. If you want to and you try......you will. It's that simple. Can't doesn't factor in because it's actually a choice. If you don't want to or don't try.....you won't. Coming through doesn't necessarily mean getting things to work out the way you want but it does mean doing your best to get through this period and maybe things will work out. If they don't, prepare your brain to accept that you tried and learned along the way....and tell yourself....you'll be ok regardless.
Thoughts generate feelings. You will not feel anything without thoughts. Therefore, changing the way you think will have an effect. If you decide this makes sense and work at it, soon, you will feel differently. Maybe not so afraid, hurt, alone, isolated. Only you can choose what you think.
God doesn't really factor into this part of it because He doesn't not dictate our thoughts. He is with us, no matter where we are and maybe.....letting go and letting Him ...has more to do with trying hard and hoping for the best.....not hanging onto specific outcomes and just expecting them to somehow happen? Or maybe you can picture the fear and the pain and the aloneness and the isolation are all cooking in a big boiling pot, over a hot fire, and the feelings are each floating out, like bubbles, up, up, and away.....and God is there, with little net, catching them and popping each one.....freeing you from those feelings for now? I'm no expert, that's for sure. Just my blurb for today.
Sela
-
sela,
love the pry bar thing. Love the banishing of perfectionism. Love the boiling stew and God popping the bubbles. Thank you. I will try to apply these stratagies in future.
Do I have power to change my circumstances? Yes. Do I try to do this? I only do what I can do, which on some days isn't as much as I would like. But I don't push myself so much. I think a wait for opportunities to come to me, consider if I feel I can, and then step forward. I took myself out of the game for a bit. Kinda felt like a needed a rest, a retreat from the situations that were so hard. Thought if I listened to myself and nutured myself for a time, then I could build back a little reserve. I am perhaps mourning the loss of what I hoped life would be with regards to family and friends. Coming to terms with my circumstances. I really do just want some friends who laugh at my jokes and tell me to "get my roots done." (quote from Steel Magnolias) You know?
I must say I did meet one friend recently. We had a conversation. She said I was a breath of fresh air. Couldn't believe my ears. Too scared to hope at this point......
Some one on the board, think it was Ami, that said that the People you need with present themselves when you need them. Thanks for the reminder. I am also reminded of something I read often in my favorite book by Medody Beatie, "The Language of Letting Go." She says that everything we need will be there for us. We don't need to worry or spin. Boy do I need to read my own book.
-
Hi again MO4,
What I hear you saying is that you made a choice to sort of take a break and take care of yourself? Nothing wrong with that. So really, the thought that you are isolated is actually something you have chosen for your own good, at this time, to give yourself the space you need to heal? Sounds like a reasonable idea to me. It's a reasonable choice, imo.
You don't push yourself? That's ok. Nothing wrong there, since that is what you need right now. It is a choice though. You wait for opportunities to present themselves and then decide whether or not to take them (whether or not you're ready to take them)? More sensible stuff but again....choices. (Rather than you can or cannot take them......isn't it really.....you are ready or not to take them? That's how I think of it and it helps. If it doesn't help you, then think what does help, It's your choice!! :D)
I really do just want some friends who laugh at my jokes and tell me to "get my roots done." (quote from Steel Magnolias) You know?
Yep, I know. When you are ready, when you feel able, when you have finished mourning and when you decide it's time to try harder at finding the kind of friends you want........you will do so. Until then, there is nothing wrong with choosing not to do that. Another choice. And if people happen to come along that fit the bill.......hey! Enjoy! I'm with you in thanking God there!!
The way I think of it though is.......
The people I need may present themselves or they may not. I might have to put out the effort to find them, if they don't just appear. I can choose to do that too. So can you, I bet? When you are ready.
Sela
-
"Some one on the board, think it was Ami, that said that the People you need with present themselves when you need them. "
Sela, is this from you? if so Thanks for the reminder. Sure enough, a person has appeared in my life that i haven't had contact with for over 30 yrs! poof! he just appeared out of no where.
He has loved me for a long long time, and has wanted me to contact him. We were high school sweethearts. I would never contact him. One day I just picked up the phone and called him. It is just the strangest thing than i one day just called him, and he was there to accept the call. God knew I needed someone. Ami, you are so right.
He and I will talk for hrs some days. After dealing with an N, he is a breathe of fresh air. I have no love interest in him, and he knows that. He is just there if i need to talk.
mo4, your comments are very insteresting, and thought provoking. I, like you, have taken my problems to the Lord,(many times) and some how they end up back in my lap. I understand how hard it is to rid yourself of the things that seems to be robbing me of my joy.
On the way to work this morning, I ask God, again, to help me get this man out of my head, and to give me back my joy.
mum, great post! thanks!
Sweetgrass
-
Dear Sweetgrass,
I am so, very,very happy that you found someone good to connect with. That is so great . God brought me a loving female friend in a supernatural way Love Ami
-
I guess you can say I am an oldtimer and have not posted in a while....
MO4 and Sweetgrass just to give an example of letting go and letting God I too have had a dear friend contact me out of the blue
and it really has been such a blessing after 20 some odd years a girlfriend from high school has come back into my life
and we see each other every month or so we just picked up like it had only been yesterday...................... so cool
MO4 I understand needing to recharge and mourning painful experiences... you sound strong and also I want to let you know what a great thread
this is thank you.
Sela I have found myself making positive choices instead of falling into old patterns for the first time in my life.
Positive self talk after a life full of self doubt and feelings of worthlessness.
I also love the visual of a pry bar for the brain unsticking negative thoughts.
I really love telling yourself it's OK to be human and to make mistakes that lets a person get rid of black and white thinking
and lets your compassion shine for self and others................ 8)
Sela love back and Happy Summer days and I do love your quilting posts with MS....
Hi Ami ................ so glad you found a new friend!!! :D
much love
moonlight
-
Ok. I get it that it is a process. And I am understanding more and more of what that healing processing entails. I hear you saying that much of the healing processing is out of my control...meaning I need to let myself go through it, whatever "it" is. I hear you saying that you take what comes with acceptance. A friend may present itself, it may not. etc. But I also hear you saying that it is all about choices. Choosing how to deal with the pain. Maybe it is a balancing act between letting it do what it needs to do and controlling the way I receive it.?. I guess I am wondering if anyone has just stood up and said, Not today. Not one more day will my N control my thoughts. Not one more day will my pain keep me from happiness and thinking I am good. Isn't there some line in the sand? or maybe it is just a choice for how we deal with pain, right? Choosing to marinate in it or choosing to listen to it and let it go. I hear you saying that the pain may not stop but my choices for how I deal -- that is what I can control. And what if I want to choose the line in the sand. Not one more day, why doesn't that stick? I have devoted nearly 17 years to healing. ( Most of which, I spent lost and in hurtful patterns/relationships) But I want some traction. Anybody feel me on this?
Probably not making much sense. Trying to think outloud.
-
Mof4,
You're making sense to me. Why won't the line in the sand stick?
It will but it will take time and repition. You can decide to draw a line in the sand and that's fantastic! Then, you will have to consistently reinforce your decision to yourself. I think it's simply a matter of habit and small steps. We get in the habit of doing one thing and we have to retrain ourselves to do something else. It doesn't happen just because we make up our minds for it to happen.
And it will not likely happen unless we make up our minds to make it happen and then give it time.
It's the law of repition and consistency.
Eg. I cried every single day, often a number of times per day, for over 2 years. Then one day I decided: "That's it! I'm not going to cry today!" It was tough but I kept reminding myself of my decision and changing my thinking every time I felt the urge to cry. I made it through the day. And the next day. And a couple more after that. Then I cried a whole day but decided I would not give up because of the setback. I would keep trying and forget the day I cried and remember all the days I didn't cry. So I went for a couple more days and so on. Soon it was a whole week! Then a month!! Eventually, the habit was broken and my decision was realized. No miracle. No ease. Nothing drastic.
Just wee steps in the direction one wants to go and no quitting because of back steps.
I am still battling stuff/making changes.....have more I want to work on..... but I believe....with enough time and effort....eventually, my decisions will stick, if I keep working at it and reminding myself to keep going.
Hope this helps.
Sela
-
Ahhhh.... sela. Thanks. The lightbulb. Your comments help thank you. Moments when it all comes together.
-mof4
-
Hey guys,
I saw my Therapist on yesterday. We talked about choices. He wanted to know how much of my day was spent on thinking of my xN. When I told him, he explained to me that my thoughts were my choice, and I had to force myself not to think of him. He said it was possible to make myself stop thinking of him, and had to force myself to stop my thoughts.
He said everytime N came to my mind, I am to tell myself, I am not going to think of you. I am going to think of my children, my mother,work, or anything other than the N. Once I say that to the thought, I am to start thinking of the thing that i just stated I would think of.
He reminded me of what all Believers in Christ should be doing with unwanted thoughts. He gave me a scripture. If any of you would like to read it, it is from 2Corth.10vs 5:
"...We cast out/down every thought into obedience of Christ Jesus." The thoughts that are making us crazy, dealing with the N, are not from Christ Jesus.
We must make ourselves aware of what we are thinking and not let our minds go that way. Another good reference for us is to read, "Battlefield of the mind."(Joyce Meyer) I had forgotten about that book until just now. I think I am going to pull if off of my shelf, and see if it will help me.
When he told me that I could control my thoughts, it was like taking a cool drink on a hot day. After my prayer this morning, my thoughts of him have not been as intense as the normally are about the N, so I have not had to pull my thoughts down today. Why don't we try this and see what happens.
This is one of the most helpful threads that I have read. Thank all of you for your sharing your thoughts and your love. Ami, keep fighting, you are going to win. Mo4, I am glad you have found this board. You will find solace here. We all have to give ourselves a break, and remember the world wasn't formed in one day. We have to take one step at a time.(baby steps) Today, likely will be harder than yesterday, but we know that some days will be better, and hopefully, we will wake up just not allowing them to still our joy at all.
We don't have to win the fight, we just have to hear the final bell.
I think the answer for our healing lies in our Faith....
You guys are great! I am so glad I found you...
Sweetgrass
-
Wow! Ami! A masters in psychology! That's a wonderful accomplishment! Good for you!
I decided to honor my growth,yesterday
You made a decision and you reminded yourself of your decision and stood up for yourself later in the day! Wonderful!!
I must honor my internal compass.
Another very good decision! Don't forget to remind yourself!!
Hey Sweetgrass!
I love the smell of your name!!
and I had to force myself not to think of him.
I had to really work at doing this. I decided not to think about my abusers but man o' man they kept getting into my head! It was like a battle and I told myself exactly: "I'm not going to think about that" and I substituted a topic I would think about and eventually......I won!! It took a lonnnnnnng time tho! :roll:
Keep going Sweetgrass! You will make it!
When he told me that I could control my thoughts, it was like taking a cool drink on a hot day.
It sounds so easy and has a "why didn't I think of that?" ring to it eh? What a relief!! It's true that most of us don't even think about controlling what we think about. Why should we? That sounds a bit odd doesn't it? And then we get the idea that we do not have any control over our thoughts.
Thing is.....when our thoughts are causing us to focus on stuff that we cannot do a thing about.....or stuff that is harming us.......or stuff that is illegal, immoral or unhealthy......then we are the only ones who can take control and change our thinking (to take care/protect/improve ourselves). We do have power!!
The same thing happens when we allow ourselves to think "unflattering" thoughts about ourselves.
We think it and think it and think it and eventually.....we believe it and even act on it.
In order to change all that we have to catch those thoughts, pronounce that we won't think about that any more, instruct ourselves to think otherwise and keep doing it ....over and over until we believe the substituted thoughts and begin to act on them.
This is one of the most helpful threads that I have read.
Maybe we should copy it to the "what helps" board?
Sela
-
Thank you for your focus on the practicing the healthy thoughts. I feel strengthened in that reguard. I feel like perhaps I have spent enough time...for now anyway...focusing on my pain. I need to put more of my energies into attacking my core beliefs that are not correct. Or at least, focusing on the stuff I want to believe about myself and acting "as if" I believed it. Wish I wasn't such an applause junkie. Wish I didn't need such exterior feedback to tell me that am good. Think I may be getting better......Thanks for all your feedback. Feels good to orient myself to your ideas.
--mof4
-
Hi Mof4,
Wish I wasn't such an applause junkie. Wish I didn't need such exterior feedback to tell me that am good.
Maybe this is something that was missing when you were growing up? Did your parents applaud you and give you good feedback...tell you you are good?
Mine didn't. Any mistakes/flaws were clearly pointed out, though. :(
This is something we have to learn to do for ourselves, (applaud/give positive feedback), now that we're adults and even, if we've learned to pay more attention to our errors/flaws. You're not alone in having to work on it, Mof4! It is changable! (same rules of repitition and consistency apply).
One thing I did, which might sound ridiculous but it really helped me......
Every time someone made a positive comment to me....I wrote it on a little slip of paper and put the paper in a jar. I was quite surprised, once I started paying attention to the nice things people say....at how much I was missing/not paying attention to. I'm no angel or wonder....I'm just a person. But people do say nice things, sometimes, and I used to pay little heed (in my head). I'd say thanks, for compliments but never really took them in. Once I did the jar thingy......I made myself read those little pieces of paper and I had interesting discussions with myself (mentally) about how the comment is valid and the person has a point, which I decided to accept. It's not like it all went to my head (a worry one might have) or anything but it did help with my self esteem and to get me out of....negative thoughts about myself mode.
Or you could make a list of your good points/traits and keep it handy......add to it......each time you follow through with a decision; every time you notice something good about yourself and every time you feel confident.
You ARE good Mof4! You do deserve applause for all you've been through and for all you are trying to accomplish! I would gladly cheer you on, if I could only get in your head ( :shock:.....now that's too weird!). Keep going! Believe in your ability to think yourself to a better place! You can do it and it can become a habit!
Sela
-
Hi, All. Such a productive thread going here.
I used to say to my therapist that some thought process or behavior of mine was "stupid" and she would stop me and rephrase it into:
"not productive". It helped me to back off on my judgments of myself, which were pretty intense.
my core beliefs that are not correct.
This (above) is, verbatim, what my most influential mentor taught me.
"Through our thoughts, feelings and beliefs, WE create our experience". I have seen this to be true! My father knew this, and now, 22 years after his death, I am finally understanding this "secret" that has been staring me in the face forever.
I guess I am wondering if anyone has just stood up and said, Not today.
ABSOLUTELY. That is the day I woke up. Lot of people here made that move!
I likened it to standing beside a crumbling brick wall for years, getting hit on the head repeatedly, and finally opening my eyes and saying "oh, hey, I better step away from this wall!". Then, of course, the ex started throwing the damn bricks over at me, but I got really good at seeing them coming!
I think the "acceptance" part is not to say "stay where you are and kill yourself making the best out of horrendous circumstances", but instead, for me, it was accepting that I was okay, as I was, "warts and all", and that I DID deserve to be treated with respect and true love (from myself, first and foremost). And when I forgot that, and fell into fear again, I allowed myself some compassion and knew it was ok, and that I could make a different choice anytime I wanted.
And it is a choice. That, I think, is still the hardest part for me to swallow. Because it gives us so much power, it's almost easier not to have it. It's a lot of responsibility, choosing for ourselves. Life will have all kinds of challenges, and thinking that we may have called them on is mind boggling.
So if it's too much to imagine that.....I just remember that these seemingly "random" experiences in life, are learning challenges and how I CHOOSE to respond to them is what makes me who I am. Not that they happened, but that I dealt with them in ways that are consistent with my CHOSEN core beliefs (not the inauthentic ones I had previously believed).
If I screw it up, and fall back into old response patterns....so what? I can do things differently next time.
I used to get so mad at myself if I let my ex rile me up. I had practiced detaching from his crap so much, that when he did something selfish that hurt the kids, I felt I HAD to say something. That is exactly WHY he did this, to "engage" me again. He was addicted to this exchange. And most of the time I could be aware of that, but when I got hooked (he knew the buttons to push....the kids) I would regret it (because it never actually changed anything....he's going to be an ass anyway). So I decided to stop regretting that, too. Why should I beat myself up for years of conditioning. I just said "ok, he got you this time, but not next time". Getting down on myself is NOT PRODUCTIVE, as my dear therapist would repeat.
Sela is right, it takes time, patience (with ourselves, mostly) and practice.
Sela has some great visualizations....I have found this a very helpful strategy (visualizing things). Honestly, it's how I learned how to change energy overtly (had done it for years without being aware....that's what us teachers do!!). It was especially helpful for me when my ex dumped his negativity on me. The practice I used is a little bit of Buddhist "Tung-len" meditation and a little of what Shakti Gawain explains in her book on intuition. Whatever works, is my motto.
It's hard to change our minds, but what more important work will you do in this life, than change your mind about yourself?
So good to hear from all of you ("old timers too!!!!) :)
love to you
Mum
-
Thank you. Mum. Kinda feel like you just changed the subject of this thread to "Changing my mind about myself." Boy it is the toughest work. I am ready to really work in that arena. Thank you for pointing me there.
-
Hey, Mof4. I'll reel it back in!
"Letting go and letting God":
The concept of "god" is different for everyone. If you will indulge this broad concept:
God as unconditional love, or all positive power of the universe, that which all humans have as our core and birthright
and aspire to connect to:
Then having faith that all of our choices, done in love, with love as a driving force, will fall out exactly as needed. Just as God/the universe/unconditional love intend for us.
It's all okay. All is exactly as it should be, including us, our struggles, our dreams and our choices in getting those dreams manifested.
Our minds and thoughts drive our beliefs, and (Sela put this better) thus our choices and behavior. If we can align ourselves with love, and make choices in love..........then letting go is where we stop worrying and trying to control it all. We let it go, and trust that what is meant to be, in our best interest, will occur.
Mum
-
Oh goodness, don't reel it back in. Just trying to say I loved what you said. Feeling like changing my mind about myself is letting go of my need to believe the lies. love you latest comment too.