Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on July 11, 2007, 03:11:15 AM
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I meet with my mother's Pt team tomorrow, for The Talk about when she'll be discharged.
And my D arrives Friday.
I need to work to get into a peaceful space about my D...
i NEED my serenity, this is my vacation
And I feel overwhelmed about paperwork again--hers and mine
Find it hard to face.
JUST a little vent,
JUSt feel overwhelmed by responsibility.
Hops
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Awwwww ((((Hops))))
I'm up doing paperwork and it's almost 5am, lol. Overwhelmed and procrastinating till the last minute.
I hate the paperwork too, Hops.
I can't imagine finding serenity with all you have going on. I think it's a little unrealisitic considering the circumstances.
If you can rest and build yourself up, at least you'll have some reserves to draw on?
Can you get your doctor to prescribe a little ativan or something for the worst times? You could nibble off a corner just to bring yourself back to normal. I do that at funerals, which I find impossible to sit through otherwise.
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Dear Hops,
My impression is the you are 'judging" yourself unfairly. Using the word "lazy" is a slur to yourself.
I don't see "laziness: as a factor anywhere. I see OVERWHELMIMG responsibilities. I see the most stressful thing there is --- caring for an N(ish) mother . Also, having a hard relationship with a D on top of it. Probably your M and D unite against you ,too.
Hops, I really, really think you are not seeing the magnitude of stress that is around you. You are minimizing the very real issues . You seem to be trying to handle them all with tremendous grace and
I think that your little self critical voice is "sabotaging" your valiant efforts Love Ami
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Hi Hops,
I'm like Ami. I don't see it as lazy at all! That's a big job, taking care of another adult. ESPECIALLY when that other person can be difficult!
And I'd want my vacation, too.
I , myself, have unfinished paperwork sitting on the bar in my kitchen.
I'm putting it off! I don't even WORK right now, so I have NO excuse!
It's surgery paperwork.
You sound pretty "normal to me".
Love,
Bigalspal
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Hey Hops,
It's tough thinking about her discharge eh? The loss of peace.
Maybe you can plan ways to keep specific bits of your peace, even once she's home? Is there no respite care available for her at all? (I'm sorry, I don't know the system there.....here, there is some. Also, there are centres where a senior can be placed occasionally on w/e's.....to give the family respite. Anything like that there?). Or any voluteer agencies? Or how about one of your friends from church? Would anyone consider just sitting with your mom on a Saturday, every so often? To give you a break?
It would not be a selfish act to plan a few breaks for yourself, once she's back in the house. It would be a healthy step, I think.
Re paperwork: Does it ever end? What if you spend an hour tonight really going at it and then allow yourself to enjoy your holiday, after that. Then plan another hour when your holiday ends? That way, you make an effort and get things started but don't impose the requirement of completing the task, when you are on holiday? Wish I could come over there and give you a hand! And set the timer!!
You do have a lot of responsibility Hops and a right to feel overwhelmed. Maybe you can think of it in smaller bits and it won't seem like such a huge mountain? Can you delegate anything to anyone else? Is there anyone you could ask to help you out with menial tasks, for instance? Or possibly trade off with another person in a similar situation? I wonder if there is a support group for care givers through your neighbourhood mental health association? (or whatnot.....again....sorry I don't know the system there).
Maybe none of this helps? Just a hug then........((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))
Sela
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Sela, CB, Ami, BAP, Lighter,
What a gift to have this place. It knocks my socks off.
I'll do the "lazy" thing and answer everything at once while sending each of you an enormous hug and by the way, also a tall glass of this deeeeelicious guilt-free cooler I've made myself in a tall glass over lots of ice:
half-glass inexpensive merlot (I found they make tiny bottles that only have a serving & a half...great idea! I like wine but never buy it since it goes bad)
1/4 glass light cranberry cocktail
1/4 glass club soda
It's really really delightful. And is going to fortify me to go downstairs. blast Air America and tackle that tablefull!
I went this a.m. and the gist is:
--She will be staying at least another week or two, perhaps longer, until the MediCare 100 days runs out
--After that, she has to come home or stay there long term
--Long term is $150/day which is more than her income and neither my brother nor I has it
--We might manage again at home if she'll agree to some ground rules (in bed with a book after lunch until I get home, or, her caregiver keeping stricter hours that are set by me, not by Mom's whims)
All else is up in the air but somehow I'm drawing on my inner GS and I will tackle this pile of dreck. Yesterday I decided that while I have the luxury of using the space, I'd really use it. So I blew $7 on a big bouquet of sunflowers, I'm going to move the fancy punch bowl, and set up a dry-erase whiteboard I bought on the sideboard. I'm going to divide it in half, one side for my financial bottom line and one for my mother's, and create a visual aid for myself that will keep it all visual and can be updated every time we pay off something.
Sounds silly but I think this will help me. I have an ability to "go to sleep" when things are in envelopes, piles, and folders....and just "not think about them" (too busy free-associating). So I'm thinking this is worth trying. Once I know where I stand, it's easier to start visualizing ways to cope.
Thank you, all of you. If I had to get an extra job to pay for extra care for her at home (and avoid selling the house) I might even do that.
hugs
Hops
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Hi Hops,
Hang in there - sounds like way too much at once (((((Strength and Serenity)))))
[Not to add to the stress - but something you might be able to offset if necessary] Regarding long-term care, we just last month went through this with my SIL's father and my H's grandmother. My SIL was told that with long-term care, if the money runs out, the care facility can garnish any assets that the patient has - including their home. Her father lives with them and used to be listed on her mortgage. Had he still been on the mortgage, the care facility would have sold their house out from under them. Now I heard this second hand, not sure all is factual, but it might be worth looking into. If you mother is on the mortgage/title, can she sign over to you so that the house is not garnished? The problem is that they (from what SIL told me), will sell it for whatever it can go for, not necessarily fair market price and you could end up losing a lot of money (or all of it).
Better, if possible, to get your mother's name removed from the title.
Luckily we did not have this problem with H's grandmom.
Take care and am thinking of you.
(now I think I am going to go try one of those coolers!!!)
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I am typing with one hand, been on the phone with the IRS for two hours now, awful service, passed back and forth like an idiot! The last lady at least helped me...no wonder people avoid sorting these things out, could they make it more difficult?!
i NEED my serenity, this is my vacation
And I feel overwhelmed about paperwork again--hers and mine
I think there is a certain serenity comes with sorting out jobs which hang over us, you'll feel much better to get it done than trying to relax another way.
It overwhelms me too to be wasting a perfectly good day of my one and only life on this nonsense.
Now the line just stopped...does this mean I am cut off, what? Frustrating isn't the word!
Think I'll call again tomorrow....it's taken me days to get this far.
The first help I got was advice to download a 247 page document on US taxes!!!
It's so stupid it's funny isn't it.
Hope you get loads done Hops (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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(((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((Mom)))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((PT)))))))))))))))))))
Hops, I send my best.
Love,
tt
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Awwwwwwwwww hops
I do not know how you do it but you do
Some inner place of deep kindness
I do hope your moms needs and your work do not cause a lot of stress
one thing about the paper work stuff I do it in steps get ready ,set and go
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
big hug for all you give here also your sermon
I just wish I had the way with words to tell you how beautiful it is
If I could draw a picture or paint you a painting you would know........
so much love to you
m
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Hops - the sunflowers and the board are magnificent ideas. I am going to visualize you getting through this. With some order created visually perhaps you can then begin to use the "one square at a time" concept applied to items on the board. My heart is with you and I am sending you courage and strength to master this chore. - your friend - GS
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Hops,
SWEETIE..........................Glad your Mom is staying for another two weeks. I think it is important that you look after YOU for this vacation. Remember Mom is coming back.
Drink sounds interesting!!! Delighted to hear about the sunflowers.
Wanna know something I do as I am great at avoiding the paper work also. I now have a rule. I cannot access Voiceless unless I clear some piece of paper work off my desk, pay one bill etc..... Doing it in small stages does move the mess.
About your Daughter. I think it is not your responsiblity to "make" her happy. Be yourself, trust yourself. She will be how she wants to be, hopefully respectful but remember the only person you can control is you. However you are she will choose her behaviour. I hope she will be gentle with you Hops,
Hugs,
Axa
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Lovely to picture you in the house with a big bouquet of Sunflowers and a glass of..... uhhhh...... whatever the heck that was you were drinking, Hops.
I had a lovely moment this afternoon reading a magazine and just enjoyed BEING. It's a state of mind and I want more of it!
Axa: I'm going to try to do a little every day, regarding paperwork. I like the idea of doing it before I allow myself access to the computer, etc.
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Lighter,
I know if I did not discipline myself in this way I would get nothing done. It has been big learning for me that all the small bits add up to a big bit. Good luck with the paper work.
axa
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Hi Bean,
She's coming tonight and as her grandmother is still in the PT place, I'm ignoring her drama. Plus, I believe I am ready to ignore her domineering ways anyway.
I am so burdened right now with all this stuff and am late on paperwork, even a few bills, and I don't have the inclination to pander to anything excessive from D. That said, i think she's eager to come and be with me here at home WITHOUT GRANDMA for the first time in 8 years. We'll both spend time at the nursing home too, but I know we both will savor time together without Mom's hovering presence.
Anybody tries to get me in a drama, I'll fall asleep right in front of 'em.
love
Hops
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I hope you enjoy that visit with your daughter, Hops: )
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Thank you Lighter...I did!
She is still brittle and defending her space a lot, but this visit was heaven in many ways because for the first time in eight years, we were on our own here, not tiptoeing around my mother. My D was frantic to dig into our still-packed moving boxes in the basement to find scrapbooks, and she did. It was, ironically, like Christmas. She kept bringing more things upstairs and we celebrated it together. She worked hard, cleared away tons of stuff, I cooked for her, she had a visit with her brother and former stepmom, and I was just so glad to have her near. We did have one laaate night intense argument but the good news is, it was not a fight. We communicated, I set some boundaries, she expressed herself, then we continued talking about life things in general and it felt so good.
We shared laughter, relaxed with TV, saw my mother, took her out for a meal, went through stuff here, and I treated her to a massage appt. on her way out of town.
I miss her very much already.
She had a minor wreck while she was here and we both have serious financial worries. I felt pretty rotten that I couldn't hand her the money she needs.
But it was good. I may not see her for six months because of her work schedule unless I go down there, and I'd love to.
thanks for asking, Lighter.
sleep well,
Hops
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Hops,
So glad that things went well for you and D. Sounds like a lovely experience, I am envious. It also sounds like you engaged in a lot of activity which I feel can be helpful when you are rebuilding with another. I tried the intense one to one talks with my son but when we would do things together, even cooking dinner, it made it easier to communicate.
In some ways I think it is good that you did not have the money to give to her. Sometimes, I feel money can blind things. She was there to be with you.
Well done on the boundaries,
axa
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That was the most satisfying post I've read this week, Hops: )
What a lovely unexpected visit with your daughter.
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we both have serious financial worries. I felt pretty rotten that I couldn't hand her the money she needs.
well I'm glad you couldn't!
It's all part of being grown-up managing your own life, even if you did bail her out ( again ) she'd only secretly resent it.
Maybe part of your closeness this time is accepting each other for the wonderful limited humans you are, and not thrusting roles upon each other.
I'm really pleased you had such a great time and what fun to look at the best bits of the past, & memorabilia and photos; I love that too. Better than the actual Christmases!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Dear Hops,
I am really happy that you had a good visit . Love Ami
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Write, Lighter, Ami, Axa)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you!
(I see your point about it maybe being good I didn't have the money. I think she saw the reality of it, and I do think it made us more adult together.)
love
Hops
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I think she saw the reality of it, and I do think it made us more adult together
exactly. I am so happy for you, that is just what you wanted!
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((((((((Hops))))))))))))
I forgot the name of the thread re your daughter's coming. Well I found it earlier and now the visit is over and I have the feeling that everything went just as well as you could have expected.
I am glad.
isn't is something that on this board we find we are not alone? Remember when I thought I might not have anything more to say and might have to leave!! WeEll with a great group like this there is always more.....................
...........some goods some not so, but happ0y to hear your news!
Love Izzy
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Thanks much (((((((((((((((Izz))))))))))))))))))),
I'm really glad you stuck around!
hugs
Hops
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Hi Hops,
I'm glad your visit with your daughter went well. It sounds like you both had a great time!
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Hey Hops ,
So happy to hear your visit with d went well...
our moonlet (she is 14) has gone off on a vacation with her friend and her mom....... for 5 days longest time from Mr moon and I .
She comes back today and we do miss each other but letting those wings open and fly is good for all.....
love to you Hops
Moon
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Thank you, ((((Moon))).
I know you'll miss Moonlet, and she'll be full of her adventures when she comes home.
You're lucky to still have some of those young years with her, and she's lucky to have the Moon-Mom.
love
Hops
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Update!
After literally months of letting the paperwork phobia build, I faced the dragon. Bills are current, most of it's filed or sorted and ready to, and my (and Ma's) debts--sobering--are listed on a whiteboard which I'll update as we chip away at it.
Two things helped (and I'm ashamed to say they are both external, which will be something I need to think through...):
ONE--I fetch Ma home tomorrow. It's been a month of bliss, house to myself. But, can't leave a big mess before her eyes or it'd be more stressful. So that required that I tackle it and move it through the pipeline.
TWO--I asked my D to help me, simply by opening envelopes and sorting a few stacks. That was it. She started grudgingly but after I explained to her it really did help me in that dysfunctional part of my life, she was more gracious. And when I emailed her a happy little update note, she replied asking about a few other things...I felt cared about when she did that.
So...the issue is, financial self-care, keeping paperwork timely and orderly...I haven't seen as okay or even necessary to do for myself. And I let fear of failure or reality (the real numbers) build up until I invariably worsen the situation with denial. Gotta stop that.
For now, clarity. Great relief.
And thank you to all of you for listening to me hold forth so many times on this exasperating piece of immaturity!
love
Hops
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Very fulfilling post, Hops.
I can't decide if getting through all the paperwork was more satisfying or if having your dd help was. I think it's lovely though and you sound good with your mom coming home too.
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That is a beautiful interchange with your D.
I had something like that today with my older son. I never ,ever wanted to make them think that they needed to take care of me. However today,I said, that I would love so much if he could give me a little TLC just by "caring" and listening and being there. We had the best talk and it was a priceless afternoon.
Love Ami
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That is a beautiful interchange with your D.
I had something like that today with my older son. I never ,ever wanted to make them think that they needed to take care of me. However today,I said, that I would love so much if he could give me a little TLC just by "caring" and listening and being there. We had the best talk and it was a priceless afternoon.
Love Ami
At the risk of hijacking Hops wonderful thread....
Ami... have both your sons witnessed your husbands violent behavior?
Is he violent towards them too?
Maybe your younger son thinks he has to be mean to you in order to avoid N's wrath?
What did you talk about with your older boy today? It sounds like you two get along very well.
What are your sons doing, are they in school? What do they want to be when they grow up?
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I have always been really close to both of them .My H has been trying to turn them against me since when they were little-- but it never worked until a few days ago.
My H is livid at me b/c I have gotten strong( lol ). My H is really, really angry about this..My sons have witnessed everything. When my H had the chair over my head, Golden told me that he was standing there thinking that he may have to "beat him up" . This attitude (of being abusive to me)from Golden is new .
For some reason,now, Golden has decided to try to abuse me ..He was seeing if he could be abusive to me like his father is However, it is not going to happen. I have asked him to apologize for his fresh attitude( several times) and he won't.
He is a biology major in college.He wants to go to medical school. Maybe, this is part of the 'modeling" that he is doing,with his father. My older son is halfway through a bachelors degree and he wants to go into business. He has worked his way up from the counter to a Manager in a fast food restaurant. He is working and going to school.. They are sweet people. For some reason, Golden decided that he wanted to try to abuse me
The older and I see reality. We talk about N's and other 'real issues. The younger will not face reality. The older and I talk about everything.We were just talking about betrayal in life and how it happens to everyone.
It was nice to be honest with someone who you love and who loves you.
Love Ami
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My Dearest Hops-
Once again you have brought clarity to me in your courageous revelations and witty self-assessment. You are inspiring-I am going to slay some of my "dragons" today, especially the insidious ones that seem to entangle my everday existence ( separating ALL of my NH bills from mine , etc). Sorry that you have had so many demands upon you. You are awesome!
Hugs,
Changing
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Thank you much, (((Changing)))
My dragons are paper dragons that's for sure.
(Money's made of paper, after all.)
I heard a great quote from Tao in church today:
BEGIN THE DIFFICULT WHILE IT IS STILL EASY.
That was a lightbulb for me.
A few pieces of paper a day? Easy.
My usual method? Huge flapping paper-dragon...
Hope to keep it to porcupine size from here on.
Good luck with yours, too, Changing.
Hops
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I haven't read this whole thread but am chiming in to send paper dragon encouragement. I think I am getting close to slaying my dragons. If it turns out to be true I will share my inner journey in case any of it may be of interest to you.
Sending "one or two pieces" energy your way. - GS
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Thank you, GS!
Who better knows the paper dragon battle? :)
I'll be very happy to hear your story when you're able, dear.
hugs
Hops