Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: WRITE on July 15, 2007, 09:10:55 PM
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the last two saturdays I have been alone, after work I get ready for church then after that go to a nice cafe for hot tea or a cake, then there's a produce market I like, then home to cook and read and listen to music.
I decided it's going to be my happy-alone time, so I don't call anyone or take calls, or come over to ex/son.
I light candles and have made my apartment so pleasant, already I am looking forward to next Saturday and my date night with myself.
I may not have anyone special in my life right now, and maybe that's as it should be for a while, but I can make the time I spend with myself special.
It was Isittoolate made me think of it a few weeks ago when she said how she enjoys her solitude.
I am always so busy and so many people to talk to and work with and of course ex and son, I've re-framed the solitude as my own time for some self-care.
I don't have much money so I look out for things which will give me pleasure like two giant ferns being sold off in the garden centre today for $5 each, or a handful of rosepetals for $1 at the food market to throw in the bath.
My friend to me to a spice shop today, I picked up some herbs and some chocolate mix I will try out next week.
Last week I bought Gingerbread scented candles $1.75 for 12 on sale.
It's fun to think what I will cook, or watch, or read, or listen to after a nice long bath or a face mask....all affordable and all for me!
Why have I never thought like this before??????
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:D
Write, that is wonderful.
Happy lovely evenings in your good company!
Self-love!
That's it, girl!
:D
Hops
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I am happy that you are finding peace and joy, WRITE Love Ami
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Dear Write,
That sounds so cozy and pleasant! Thank you for the pretty image :) It is fun to think on... to anticipate that upcoming time of solitude.
I'm a very solitary person. I don't think that's just a consequence of my upbringing and feeling like an oddball through that time.
Can't be positive, but I do think it's just me... guess I need to take a closer look at my reasons for enjoying my alone-time.
Anyhow, weekends do take their toll because I'm surrounded... especially when the weather is so hot that I can't comfortably go piddle in the yard. This past one was difficult in that way... but with material here on this board and elsewhere to read, it was good to have my mind occupied. At those times, my bath is the only solitary place. With televisions and games, lights and sounds everywhere, I think it'd help to make bathtime more of a respite and light those candles! Have a bushel of them here from an extended power outage this past winter...
oh, and I have an old radio/cd player already in there, so why not have music, as well?? :)
As far as why you haven't thought like this before... maybe, like me, you just get occupied elsewhere and practical matters squeeze out the rest? My old habits of thinking tell me that everything has to be "just so" before moments like this can be enjoyed. I now recognize that as a lie from the past. Nothing will ever be "just so"-enough... these moments have to be invented - and that's okay! :)
Much love,
Hope
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Now that is a marvelous recipe for healing. No one can take any of that away from you. It is sole dependent on you. How perfect! Thanks for sharing - what comfort and strength - your friend - GS
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the weather is so hot that I can't comfortably go piddle in the yard.
:lol:
these moments have to be invented
great point CH, yes they do.
And in my life they are not going to easily be invented for me by anyone else.
I'm at a crossroads in many ways, I've spent so much time on son and ex and other people, other things, suddenly I need something for me.
Some re-charging and maybe a new direction.
I've been thinking about that Goddard college intensive low-residency course Hops was talking about.
Has anyone here done it/ know anyone who has?
I don't think I can fund it without going into debt until next year, but that gives me time to do a few other things which I want to, one of which is to drop the rest of my excess weight.
I've been maintaining for a while and not lost any more, and I'd like to do more exercise.
Checked my credit card today and fitness centre apparently billed the $190 overcharge twice instead of one charge/ one credit, will I ever sort out their incompetence....*sigh*
It is sole dependent on you. How perfect!
it is good, also lonely.
I am facing now the loneliness I have refused to accept all my life, I filled it with busyness and people and projects and lots of things, but I have longed to be held by someone who knows and loves me just for me.
Maybe children who weren't held always feel this way.
I remember when my son was small I held him all the time, he was so happy just to be on me or with me, I can't imagine how terrified I must have been as a baby to be just left, no wonder I have always been slightly afraid of solitary, and even now I panic if I wake up and it's completely dark, I always have a small source of light on.
Sometimes over the years I have stayed in homes, places that weren't just houses, places with nurturing people there, and I have slept comfortably in the total darkness, but not often.
I am only now realising how much trauma I have held, how safe I am now compared to the rest of my life.
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(((hugs)))) Write.
I'm so glad you did this for yourself. It sounds wonderful and relaxing.
I used to do things like this.
I don't know what happened.
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Hi CH
so you--- I can't comfortably go piddle in the yard.
When we were kids, 5 of us, at bedtime, dark, mom allowed us to piddle in the yard, (it's a wonder we didn't kill the grass.)
I was too close behind my now N sister (ages maybe me 3 and her 4) and I peed right up her back. Boy she was mad, and she hasn't forgotten it!
I was too young to know how I was built.
(I wonder if that caused her N-isn?--something for the professionals to investigate.)
Love
Izzy
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Write,
I'm so glad you're feeling better. You sound like you are finding your serenity and that is glorious! 8) 8) 8)
Izzy,
Am I weird or is that a bizzare thing for a mother to allow her kids to do?
However, do not worry....I don't think you can't piddle NPD on anyone. I think it has to be home brewed(?)
:mrgreen: Sela
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Write,
My friend loved the Goddard program...gave her a real boost. I wonder too if you wouldn't love training as a music therapist, officially? I also think you'd probably make a great teacher. Good to dream new dreams at this time of your life, whatever they are.
I think you are right, you're feeling some pain and fear that you'd kept yourself distracted from before. This is a good thing. A hard process, but it does healing things. Don't count your lonely Saturdays, just keep living them with the wonderful creativity you've been showing. Better to have a good cry in a bubbly tub than elsewhere, anyway.
love
Hops
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I am so happy for you. What I do on Saturdays I found a dance school. they have practice nights in which all students get together and practice advanced with beginners. 50 to 60 people dancing from 9 pm to 2 am. I do not have to make sacrifices for a friend to accompany me. I can go alone to th school. I do not have to pray for a partner. The school is fun, and everybody dances with everybody. I love my Saturdays.
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WRITE and Lupita,
You are an inspiration to me Love Ami
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Izzy,
Am I weird or is that a bizzare thing for a mother to allow her kids to do?
However, do not worry....I don't think you can't piddle NPD on anyone. I think it has to be home brewed(?)
Sela
Yes Sela,
In hindsight I don't think it is right, but back then it is how we we raised, on a farm, miles from anyone, with no indoor plumbing, and only 2 holes in the backhouse with 5 kids having to go to bed at the same time. This was my mother and I imagine her ways of thinking are ingrained in me somewhere that I don't know, but I don't go along with these obvious ones.
it takes all kinds?
xx
Izzy
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I'll order 'Moving on' CB. It's certainly time I did...
Most of my work now is music therapy so maybe I should train officially Hops, I thought I might get bored with it after a while but it's one of those subjects the more you know the more there is to know....
This morning at one of my groups a lady with an advanced brain degeneration who has been showing more and more interest came and sat at the piano with me! It's like the music wakes up very deep memories, and re-routes blood flow to the damaged parts of the brain.
Next summer I will teach through the summer, my son will be older then.
If I did the course I guess I'd have to go into debt for some of the expenses?
How do people usually fund these things these days?
I talked to one man whose law degree put him in debt to the tune of $120 000 which seems a little excessive!
I don't think you can't piddle NPD on anyone. I think it has to be home brewed
:lol:
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First, you might find out if a college has funds and scholarships itself to offer adult students. Many do.
There are many fellowships and grants to explore.
There are VERY low-cost loans.
I was amazed when my D disappeared into our computer room and actually sorted out the cost of a private education for herself at a fairly expensive college. With grants plus student loans, she got the cost down to the SAME as the cost for an in-state student at a public unviersity.
Some of the small private colleges have very large endowments.
And schools really LIKE adult students who've had real-world experiences.
Hops
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It's not always easy to find that "SWITCH" but you found it and turned it on, Write: )
Lucky you.... living in the moment and enjoying the small pleasures.... realizing they're the very best pleasures.
I'm enjoying my solotude this evening and I surely did miss it!
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Hi Write,
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I had a bunch of workmen here at my house this weekend. Nothing really serious, just pressure washing the house & patio & other assorted jobs. I'm still recuperating!
Anyway, you might have seen me talk about my husband's job. He's a truck driver & is only home 4 days a month! So, I spend ALOT of weekends by myself.
But you know what? I LOVE IT! I used to be jealous of other women who's men were home everyday. But he's been on the road our whole marriage, so I knew I had to get a handle on it (pun intended), & learn how to be by myself. I recently got my CDL & started teaming with him until I fell.
My surgery is the 30th, & after about a month recovery time, I'll be back out on the road with him.
It's been like a second honeymoon. BUT, a little voice in my head tells me that I'll be missing my alone time very soon! I'll miss EATING when I want, SLEEPING when I want, READING when I want, & TYPING on this board when I want! But, the money is FANTASTIC, & we have some goals we want to achieve. And we have a laptop I can use to stay in touch with my friends on this board.
I love my husband, but I LOVE my alone time, too.
Just my 2 cents.
Sounds like you had a lovely night!
Love,
Bigalspal
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I was amazed when my D disappeared into our computer room and actually sorted out the cost of a private education for herself at a fairly expensive college. With grants plus student loans, she got the cost down to the SAME as the cost for an in-state student at a public unviersity.
Thanks Hops, where do I start to look for all this info?
Anyone got a book or website recommendation?
Thanks Bigalspal/lighter; I certainly like my little apartment despite the horrible noises from upstairs, those children will be seriously disturbed growing up with no sleep pattern. Some days they don't get any sleep, no wonder they tantrum.
Last night 3 am they were running around.
I just tell myself well it's only kids, it could be worse, and the hurricane arrangements will run out soon and they will probably have to leave.
I switch on my TV and fans and can't hear them as much...
I think for further education I will aim at next year, give myself time to assimilate all the other stuff and a space to work on my health more.
I'm determined to lose the rest of my weight now I don't need meds much.
Went for Indian buffet lunch with a friend today, lots of very healthy spicy veg dishes. He's in remission from spinal cancer and very attentive to healthy diet.
Tonight is my writers' group, love that. We meet once a month.
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http://www.peointernational.org/about/
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=continuing+education+grants+for+women
Google away, Write...check out government sites too, such as NEA.gov
let us know what you find!
love
Hops
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Yay yay to healthy spicy dishes and enjoying your writer's group: )
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Thank you Hops and lighter!
Time for ice cream and a bit of TV and a lie down before it's time to go out.
The street kids all came to call for son a while ago, he's out playing. Didn't he get through all that well?!
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I just had pizza and a nice rest myself. Enjoy your down time.
Not sure if I'm up on swhat son got through? Was it adjusting to new friends in the hood?
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Hi Write
I am a little off track from last Saturday, but are you going to do that again? Alone can be great, with the right atmosphere and thoughts!!--and a computer (me)
I hope I can have a computer in the Old Folk's Home and in the Palliative Care Unit and in Heaven/Hell!!!
Hey big Al
I didn't know you were a gal! I don't usually talk to the men here so we haven't really met. I was reading you post about going on the road and not having your alone time. So the Husband part sounds great Good on you!
Izzy
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last night I went to ( Lutheran ) church, bumped into friend of former 'best' friend, I was right to be worried about him, she said he was blind drunk the night before and made an aggressive pass at her.
She said he's obsessed with finding a partner right now and uninterested in other aspects of his life.
Felt sad for him, but I already tried to talk to him and he isn't in a listening mood.
***
So we sat and drank tea and chatted a bit, she is an occ. therapist and took my card, said they might use me for an alzheimers group.
Then I went to a wholefood market, bought ingredients for soup.
Came home and was so tired I had a bath, cup of tea, finished novel about bereavement sister sent, cried a bit then went to bed.
Took small dose of xanax, am thinking of trying to use it instead of seroquel as psych doc suggested. It's addictive though and so nice, not sure about it.
Did sleep really well though, maybe I should do this once a month. Won't create a dependence with that.
Calm today.
Cried as soon as I woke up though.
Went to a Unitarian church, preacher was Ba'hai. Every word he said, and the sung farsi prayer were meaningful to me.
Relaxed.
G_d is independent of the Christian church and still there in my life. I just was paying too much attention to the church and the scriptures and the crusade of trying to be a Christian. Jesus' teachings are very hard to follow which I suppose is why so many of the churches drop the main ones!
Think I'll stop worrying for a while and go back to the interfaith perspective of searching the truth and meaning in all faith.
It's G_d I want in my life, not religion.
One of the Bahullah quotes with eprfect timing was 'if religion becomes a source of fighting and trouble, better no religion'.
I really prayed today in a way I haven't been able to for days.
Bought a bookmark on the way out, several bookmarks, one said a Ghandi quote 'be the change you want to see in the world' another said 'other cultures are not a failed attempt to be like yours...'
Will try to meditate on that all week, because I have been feeling disappointed about the Christian church, about US culture, and I don't want to become at all negative or dismissive or even make too many assumptions based ona few negative experiences.
Wonder why I am crying so much?
Book sister sent was big trigger, woman who met perfect relationship, man died after few weeks of happy marriage...it was just a novel but made me think about a lot of things.
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If you're crying, Write..... you need to cry.
Not always a a bad thing.
Do you feel better after you finish?
Your post was lovely and enjoyed reading it so much. I find I commune with God when I'm not in a church filled with distractions and people. I need quiet to pray and sometimes I go to the Cathedral when it's quiet and no service going on.
It's nice.
Sorry your former best friend is having a hard time.
What kind of soup did you make?
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Book sister sent was big trigger, woman who met perfect relationship, man died after few weeks of happy marriage...it was just a novel but made me think about a lot of things.
They had a good relationship b/c he died after a few weeks
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Hey Write ,
Crying is cleansing the way laughter fills our hearts.
When at times of change or triggers I cry and now days I seem to cry " at the drop of a hat".......
But I laugh and enjoy sunsets and my little one she is so very dear Lifts my spirits ...... Your son is ever so dear .......
The xanax works I am sure I only used it one time and I sure did sleep well .....
When I need some help sleeping I take clonazepam and I do fine..( a very small dose )
Write your posts mean a great deal to me .
I have been too nervous to post all emotional not enough intellect well it's just I am not as expressive with words You have such a gift.
About the UU church that is where Mr m and I renewed our wedding vows a few years ago.....
We felt so at home there .........................."G-d wants spiritual fruits not religious nuts"
Your grace is a lovely example because even when times are hard You walk with grace ....
Blessings to you Write and lots of luv
from a fellow bi polar bear :D
moon
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Write,
I have had books trigger me like that. I get wrapped up in stories--I have to be careful what I am reading at what point in my life.
Big hug to you! (and to you, too, Moon! I've missed you!)
Love
CB
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Thanks all!
I have to be careful what I am reading at what point in my life.
I am trying to keep it light, I should have known to read about bereavement would upset me right now.
Some people love tear-jerker stuff but I have always found it over-stimulating.
fellow bi polar bear Moon, you are such a treasure! .........................."G-d wants spiritual fruits not religious nuts"
That is a keeper. Wonder if I can get a bumper sticker?!
They had a good relationship b/c he died after a few weeks
*snigger*
Wish I'd thought of that at start of read....
What kind of soup did you make?
leek. I'm trying to diet again!
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MMmmmmm Leek soup.
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well last night was not my usual worship & a quiet date night.
I went to ex's party for his family visitors.
He asked me to invite a bunch of people, everyone seemed to have a good time except his sister and daughter were a bit anti-social, didn't seem that interested in meeting people or talking.
I thought they were just jet-lagged maybe, but I ended up staying and being hostess then clearing up as ex got drunk whilst they took to their beds after a couple of hours!
Still, it was a good party, our parties always are.
They wanted to go to Sunday brunch this morning so I got up, missed church, came over.
Ex was hungover, couldn't come!
Took them to brunch and it was quite nice, they seem a bit uncomfortable with new stuff/ new places but everything was fine until they started talking about religion.
Then they did that passive-aggressive thing our families always do when they aren't really interested, it was just a wanting to dump something toxic for a while, I was telling them about some studying I did last year and they got up and went to the restroom, made it perfectly clear the discussion was over- which for them was saying that religion and church is all a load of cr*p!
I felt like I'd just been dumped on. Which I had. At best they were rude, but actually what upset me was to be encouraged to talk about something which was clearly important to me just so they could dismiss it out of hand.
Fortunately ex arrived then to take them to baseball.
So I'm going to spend the rest of Sunday trying to relax and stop thinking about what a toxic time I am having in my spiritual life lately.
They said that people in church rant that anyone who doesn't believe what they do is wrong...then that's exactly what they did, and I guess that's something else they can disapprove of ( and mock ) now, my faith.
My head feels like it will explode.
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ps it does make me see my american friends and surrogate family ina new light though, I often have complained that things are so superficial here; but none of them would have done that passive-aggressive piece on me!
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Dear Write,
Seems to me mocking others is done because of insecurity, mocking all comes down to people are hurting inside .
Sounds like you had more than one person doing this.The trick is to see this in the moment and not take it personally.
This is hard to do not easy at all .
Spirit, beauty and G-D are always inside you no matter whether the circumstances are difficult or not.
Your kindness is your strength.I do not know about you being "dumped on" as you are not responsible for other peoples reactions to any given topic.
Write it seems to me you are always living in spirit of kindness and goodness always reaching for the light and it is there within you at all times.
I just believe you can get past this type of mocking and the remedy is just not to take it personally.
But being human it is just not easy it sort of is done with a lot of kindness and no judgment ...............................
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Write)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So much love to you
moon
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Dear Write,
You go girl :lol:... Dating yourself is such a wonderful experience. Getting to know yourself and what you like and what you want to do and actually enjoying your own company. Bravo :lol: for you for realizing you are worthy and entitled to love, happiness and joy and giving it to yourself. l have been dating myself and have been becoming more healthy, whole and balanced. At first I was terrified that I was always going to be without a man, but hey, for now this is exactly where God wants me to be, He wants me all to himself so I can learn self love and to believe that I deserve, love, happiness, joy and fun. I was so busy my whole life taking care of everyone else's feelings and needs, that now it is my time to shine. Don't get me wrong I loved raising my children and taking care of them, I can say it was the best time of my life, but they are 18 and 20 now and don't need me the way that they did when they were younger. I can't help think that everything does happen at precisely the right time in our lives, even though the pain and heartache of that experience would like to tell us otherwise. So Write, wine and dine to your hearts content, I raise my glass to you, cheers my friend.
Love Tweety
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the remedy is just not to take it personally.
thanks Moon, I'm not there yet.
It's opening an old wound to have family who are not interested in you still no matter what you do!
Actually I will back off, from everyone I think.
I was tons happier spiritually before I started trying to share my beliefs, I will revert to my old position of refusing to discuss religion. Maybe add politics too.
People don't generally care to understand, half of them believe they must convert, the rest seem either bitter or disillisoned to the point of blindness.
I don't believe I should proselytise so maybe there just isn't anything else to say unless I am convinced of genuine interest/love.
I was so busy my whole life taking care of everyone else's feelings and needs, that now it is my time to shine. Don't get me wrong I loved raising my children and taking care of them, I can say it was the best time of my life, but they are 18 and 20 now and don't need me the way that they did when they were younger.
yes I am happy when I have someone to take care of, but you are right, thanks Tweety, it's time for me.
Still not entirely comfortable with it though.
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Write ,
I know I am not there yet either.
For me it is that understanding of not taking things personally that helps.
Heck I understand the mixed feelings and the ups and downs.
I have been experiancing much less fear........ that has gotten a lot better.
Also I enjoy my 2 daughters and they are doing well.College for one and for the other first year of high school.
I do not share my spiritual beliefs with everyone at this point either.
It is time for you Write that's for sure!!!!!!
Love
moon
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Wow Write:
That made me tired just reading about all that entertaining of ex in laws.
I doubt I'll be able to speak to mine, unfortunately.
You're a trooper and I salute you. ::wondering what a boyscout salute looks like::
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Thanks Lighter, today was better but i am going to go have some down time on my own for a while now.
I'm really quite off at the moment aren't I, it's only when I realise how exhausted and emotional I am feeling I start to notice this illness and sometimes that can be too late.... Need to pay more attention I guess.
I do not share my spiritual beliefs with everyone at this point either.
I agree Moon.
Maybe I need to drop religion altogether, it's turning into a source of stress. It's too hard right now to keep everything together.
Maybe I am meant to be alone in this as in the rest of my life.
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ps
gave notice on apartment today. Told staff about neighbour problem and they weren't really interested in helping, the manager and her assistant both answered phones during talking to me and then the manager shut her door and said 'I have to send an email'!
Not sure what to do next, guess I'll look at some houses and apartment communities.
More stress no doubt...
:(
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awwwww Write:
I'd have to hibernate for 2 days to get over what you've just been through.
If you have some illness issues coming up, nows not the time to go signing leases, IMO.
Take time off and recharge.
This is a rhetorical question.... but what plan do you have in place for getting yourself back on track with the illness? I have an old board buddy who's husband had bi polar and he had a written plan and everyone knew what to do when things started going a bit off so everyone could correct and help him handle it.
Not sure I said that right but, who helps Write IRL? How do you handle the BPD proactively?
Your statements..... "Maybe I need to drop religion altogether, it's turning into a source of stress. It's too hard right now to keep everything together. Maybe I am meant to be alone in this as in the rest of my life."
Give me pause and I want to stop and acknowledge you're feeling down. How do you stop that cycle, ((Write))?
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(((((((((Write))))))))))))
I'm sorry you're having a hard time and feeling so unsupported.
Rough week for your T to be away.
You sound really lonely. Is there a 3-D support group or therapy group you could tap into?
There will be times like this, hon, and you deserve not to suffer through them alone.
I know your beautiful balance will not desert you. It's just weathering a bout.
I think you can't expect too much about religion. People are very bruised and defensive,
and one person's bliss is another's phobia. Most folks find it hard to hear that intimate and
intense passion...
Doesn't make you wrong, or them.... You're just way more ept, verbally, communicationally (new word)
and they felt, I think, inept to respond appropriately. For some people, talking in a heartfelt way about
religion is though someone's suddenly sharing details of their sex life.
I don't feel like that, but I know folks who do.
It's all just language. Not judgment, not a measure of your worth....
love
Hops
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Dear Write,
I'm finding that it takes a good long while to un-learn religion and all the human-devised notions attached to it... in whatever form it presents itself. That's difficult enough one-on-one (self to self, you know)... but when all that is stripped away, there's Jesus... and what He says to me is, "keep it simple, sweetheart".
Bunches of love to you, dear Write,
Hope
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WRITE,
I haven't read your thread, but I said to myself, A Saturday night date with myself! What a clever idea. You are so innovative. My date may not happen on a Saturday night, but I'm going to have one regularly, because of you. A toast to you, WRITE!
tt
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I'd have to hibernate for 2 days to get over what you've just been through.
it does feel like lots of little things going wrong lately....when I got home there was a notice from the apartment community, if I was staying they are raising the rent! and the COBRA forms arrived and it's going to be $470 not $400.
I bumped into one of the ladies from the concert the other night ( I think I told you they were too mean to let son and I sit with them, good church people that they are! ) She said 'did you go to the concert?'
I was talking to her there!
what plan do you have in place for getting yourself back on track with the illness?
I have a care plan which has evolved over a few years.
It's not as easy as just take/go/do this though Lighter, it's a delicate balance this illness and one of the reasons people have so much chaos with it is they experiment so much with trying to cure the symptoms. I decided with the psych doc a few months ago to continue as long as I can bear it as I am, the last time I hit the meds it gained me 60 lb and took a year to get well again. I slept for months, would just take son to school then go to bed until it was time to go get him. I have to be more functional than that financially now, but also- life wasn't worth living. I was a walking zombie.
How do you handle the BPD proactively?
this is as good as it gets dear! By managing the moods and accepting the pain and minimising stress and maximising self-care.
You should see how it can be....my new psych prof doc says I am managing it as well as is possible, he thinks I should take 'breaks' with diazepam though, because it's so hard to cope with mood swings unmedicated.
I'll go back and see him in the fall, it is $300 a time though so I can't go often.
How do you stop that cycle,
I have decided no more trying to settle at churches. I will flit around like I did before and just sing sometimes. No sermons, no Sunday School and any sexism/racism/intolerance I shall get up and leave. I don't have the spare resources to challenge it all but I certainly won't be part of it. That's my tiny protest!!!
Most folks find it hard to hear that intimate and
intense passion...
people crack me up Hops.
they can be so passionate about nothign and when it really doesn't matter and then when it's life or death....
I dropped a card into church today for a woman who was beaten badly during a robbery a few days ago. I asked about her and the woman on the desk said 'oh she's a good Christian woman, she'll be okay!'
I thought how callous/casual but it's just typically sugar-coating life, people don't want to accept reality so they pretend the bad doesn't happen.
Which means they don't know how to respond or deal with it.
I wonder if the church will provide her with actual practical support, I do hope so.
I see an awful lot of rhetoric and praying and talking and not a lot of social action or personal interaction at that church....which is how i got involved in the damn first place- helping someone through a crisis!
I don't regret that of course, though it does make me raise eyebrows that these things are so often taken for granted and the recipients don't reciprocate.
But I just can't go and pay my ten per cent and turn a blind eye to things I can't stomach and treat it like a social club; in fact that is why the people are so depressed there I think, it is out-of-balance.
Religion isn't just ranting and taking care of ourselves or it shouldn't be.
I'm done with it, I need a new version of Christianity based on Christ's actual teachings and that is where I am sticking, as CH says, even if I end up a church of one.
My faith has seen me through so much, I'm not about to become a hypocrite and adopt someone else's just to belong now!
Wow I feel so strong writing that, like I just found my balance spiritually again.
I've been twisting myself in knots over this for weeks.
And church guy too- I really liked him and that incident where he didn't bring me water when he brought everyone else soda really upset me, we haven't been the same since, and I don't think we will keep in touch somehow.
How can that be, such strong attraction and feelings and then it doesn't mean anything?
You are so innovative.
you are very kind Teartracks, and I hear this a lot that I think creatively; but that's just the up-side of being bipolar and also of having not had much choice.
It's been sink or swim, right now I'm like one of those bouys: half-submerged all the time, sometimes a bigger wave crashes me under, but basically floating- yes, in a random manner, but still bobbing around!
Thanks for your love and support.
I will keep trying and never give up....things will never be perfect for me or even good all the time, but I'll wait for the next time of peace and maybe appreciate it more since I have had to wait.
Night & G_d bless!
~W
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Dear WRITE,
I have been gone for a couple of weeks and have not kept up with the board, plus I am too tired to read back but none-the-less I wanted to respond to your last post (without knowing much of what you are responding to.)
I hear by your description that you are going through struggling times again. (So familiar to us all.) But I hear so much more. I hear a true strength in your words. I hear disappointment in the way people, church is or can be but not resignation, instead I hear a deep, profound understanding as though you have tuned into a frequency of Truth that will guide you out of the pain though not necessarily out of the struggle.
I think you are moving into a richer consciousness and that while the struggles continue you or on the verge of finding life easier. You appear to be on the precipice of wisdom and I have to believe that that will bring good rewards and some true comfort.
I'm routing for you and admiring you from afar.
Your Friend,
Gaining Strength
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Dear WRITE,
My church experience has been put to the test too. Things have leveled out now, but I simply withdrew for a while. I love the little church I attend now. It doesn't have the box store mentality and is more liike a spiritual boutique. I love it. Previously I had attended a large church, not a box store type, but pretty big. I never dreamed that a church as small as this one would fit my need exactly. It's a poor church in $, but so rich in spirit. I'm not making a recommendation, just sharing my experience. I'll be hoping for you to find exactly the church that allows you to use your gift for music and also, fulfill your need for fellowship and one that doesn't smack of a social club.
tt
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Night, sweet Write.
Dittoes to TT.
I don't mean to make a recommendation but maybe a suggestion if you haven't checked them out before...
Sojourners?
love to you, peace to you,
Hops
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Hops ,
I am sure Write will not mind me asking
What is Sojourners????
Our UU church has moved out of town and the only UU church is miles away now.
I hope not to wake Write :D
last night I got a good night sleep so important to bipolar.
love to you
moon
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I think you are moving into a richer consciousness and that while the struggles continue you or on the verge of finding life easier. You appear to be on the precipice of wisdom and I have to believe that that will bring good rewards and some true comfort.
I'm routing for you and admiring you from afar.
thanks so much GS. So often your words have been an anchor for me when things have been difficult.
And I hope your situation is easing somewhat too, I have been thinking abouit you ((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))
I simply withdrew for a while.
you know TT even though I KNOW intellectually when this is what i need to do, I so often don't do it!
I never know when to quit.
Maybe quitting is an inverse kind of rejection thing????
Maybe I should re-frame things, 'take a break....'
Now the UU church I went to where I had bad experiences but also made many friends and went back and overcame my fears and upsets....well because I have stayed in contact I have watched as things unravelled there which were nothing to do with me but all part of the same behaviours and attitudes which i had problems with before, the place is pretty-much falling apart with the clergy on leave, the finances in disarray and the people acting in a way I would call at best unhealthy.
I can't change these kinds of things can I, though sometimes I try to, and hang in there long after it becomes obvious to others that there's nothing to be gained.
Maybe because I was abandonned I don't like to feel I am abandonning others?
I am the same with everything, I don't like to under-tip, I keep appointments I cannot afford because the other person needs to earn a living too, I say no when I mean yes so as not to put people out....I'm sure I seem like a total idiot to you guys sometimes with my strange decision-making.
I need to work on this more and stop feeling so responsible for everyone and everything.
love to you, peace to you,
Hops
you too H!
last night I got a good night sleep so important to bipolar.
me too Moon!
I took 10 mg lexapro at 10 pm and slept really well all night.
I'll check out Sojourners http://www.sojo.net/ Thanks.
I'm having a down-time day today, ex suggested it.
He is so happy havign his family visit, he's taken a whole week off and hasn't been to work once!
He told me yesterday he will help me financially if I struggle over the next few weeks or if I get sick; I don't entirely trust in him not switching tack, but he has been extremely reliable financially to date despite the divorce.
I think everything will be okay with he and I.
Son was crying at bedtime, teenage angst stuff....
I tried talking with him and the negativity defeated me, so I distracted him by making a limeric:
there was a young lady of Dallas
who wanted to live in a palace
but she married a sailor
who lived in a trailer
and treated their children with malice!
It's sort of an NPD theme don't you think?!
He loves to rhyme with me, or make up silly stories :)
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Write;
So glad you're feeling stronger.... more centered and sure.
Sometimes, if we're lucky enough to realize it at all..... we forget to give attention to our spiritual selves.
Nothing to do with religioun.
So much going on around you. ::sigh::
I liked picturing you rhyming with your son: )
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Dear Write,
About withdrawing, you said:
"even though I KNOW intellectually when this is what i need to do, I so often don't do it!"
I know this one because I've tripped over it so often...
for me, it's about feeling naked without a "cause".
Just starting to recognize that it's okay for the "cause" to be more about being than doing.
And I like your rhyme alot :D
Love,
Hope
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There once was a woman named Write
who never stopped searching for light.
She sang and she wrote-ed, she ebbed and she float-
ed, and she wound up feeling really all right.
(Now you know I'm a poet...) :lol:
Hops
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So much going on around you. ::sigh::
absolutely lighter.
I've been getting in a state and yesterday I was driving home and looked at something and smiled and caught myself smiling and thought: this is what my life is.
It's not churches, it's not boyfriends, it's not even son or ex. It's me, that core person inside with my ideas, and my values, and my personality and my ways...
I lost sight of me again.
for me, it's about feeling naked without a "cause".
I think you hit it CH.
It's so hard to go from all this intensity about causes and other people to having no focus for it- and it doesn't go away with me all the time because of the bipolar.
I'm going to try channelling it more into solitary pursuits though, not groups.
I have to stop helping people for a while, until I know I am only doign a) what i am capable of and b) what i really want to not just patterns and habits.
I need to calm down I guess.
Very good Hops :lol:
and
There once was a lady called Hops
who always pulled out all the stops
to make people cheerful
when they're feeling fearful,
that's why we all call her the tops!
( sorry, been a long week, feel free to improve upon me! )
:D
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well last night was Saturday night again.
I went to church, it was a lovely service and towards the end my friend arrived.
You remember I was upset with him a few weeks ago, he stopped calling me and for some reason was treating me strangely.
He came and sat with me and was clearly emotional; a couple of weeks ago a friend of his also joined me after church and bought me tea and told me she was worried about his drinking.
I did listen to him, and encouraged him to address his growing drink problem and reminded him I have been there, but frankly it was my night for myself and I felt like I didn't have to be on therapy duty, and it was a little disconcerting that he never asked about my divorce or my son or one question about me!
After an hour I excused myself, we hugged and I went on with my special night on my own; he invited me to go out with his crowd but I declined.
I went to two food markets and tasted some melon and cheese samples and bought ingredients for soup and some great garlic hummus for dinner.
Watched a movie, had a long cry and went to bed.
I don't know where all this crying has come from recently, and a couple of days I have taken ad/s which helped, though I have to be careful with them because they cause mania even in tiny doses.
I think part of it has been dropping the pretence that I can cope without meeting my needs and denying my own painful responses to things for so long.
Sitting with my friend whilst he went on and on about himself, I resisted the urge to go into helper mode, and acknowledged that he was making me feel somewhat uncomfortable and almost invisible...
Got up really early today, made soup. Had an accident and sliced my finger open, blood everywhere. Found just the right size/ kind of elastoplast in the cupboard to deal with it fortunately!
And an easy-read novel from one of my favourite UK authors which I spent a couple of hours reading.
Going to an antique fair now.
I'm trying to be a little less intense and do more low-key stuff instead of all this delving into the heart of the world I've been obsessed about the past few years. Maybe my crusading days are over!
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Your post was so normal and on target, from where I sit.
Not jumping into helper mode is hard, but I think that's part of taking care of ourselves...... just turning away from other people's problems and dealing with our true responsibilites.
Us.
I learned to say..... "Let me know how that works out for ya" instead of trying to fix other people's problems.
It feels so good to give myself permission to turn away from that role..... the guilt of not being the fixer.
Glad to hear your night wasn't sidetracked and you stayed focused on you and your scheduled evening.
What kinda soup did you make?
ps.... love those really thick waterproof bandaids that don't fall off till everything is healed: )
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I resisted the urge to go into helper mode, and acknowledged that he was making me feel somewhat uncomfortable and almost invisible...
Wowsers, Write!
This is the kind of thinking that leads eventually to happiness!
xxxooo
Hops
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Leek soup- my favourite.
This is the kind of thinking that leads eventually to happiness!
I don't know, but I am starting to feel more 'whole' again.
Slept all afternoon though, maybe that's the heat. And the fact the tap-dancing babies upstairs woke me at 2 and 3 am....
All my neighbours are moving out, the place looks rougher daily. Can't wait to move now, have brought some of my stuff over to ex's as I suspect we'll have problems with security next. Once the balance of a place changes....