Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on July 15, 2007, 11:28:17 PM
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As I said before, I am reading Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown. In it, she asks what is your biggest problem and these are the ones she mentions: 1) Valuing yourself 2) Accepting your limitations 3) Maintaining boundaries 4) Inability to trust your parents or others 5) Inability to access emotions 6) Inability to forgive your parents 7) wanting your parents to be different
So... which one is your biggest issue and what are you doing to move forward???
Love, Beth
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I will add that I think mine is the inability to forgive. I need to get over it, I know. The other issues are there, but not as big for me...
Love, Beth
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Beth,
Mine is inability to forgive NMum. I've known her behaviour was abusive for over 20 years altogether (13 years NC), and although things are a lot better now, regarding how I obsess about her, the not forgiving is the main problem I'm left with.
However, I've read in several places that 'forgiveness' might not be sensible, or justified. If she felt REMORSE, I'd try to forgive her, even if I never felt able to have a relationship with her ever again, but she's NEVER even hinted at remorse.
I think I need to get to the stage of feeling something slightly different from forgiveness...I want to feel a kind of healthy non-feeling about her. You know? Like 'I'm not bothered any more about what she DID, and I'm secure in the knowledge that I won't let do anything in the FUTURE'. It's almost like I want to feel a kind of apathy, but I don't think that's quite the right word.
To reach that stage, I talk it over with my husband ( a lot!! He deserves a medal!!). I've had counselling and therapy in the past, but I'm sick of that now - too much navel-gazing, and not enough answers. This board is a better way to get things out of my system. Time is a great healer, on its own. I have recently started going to a Unitarian church, and there it's OK to experience God as a feminine idea - I have found that this is very helpful to me, as I can now experience a female 'mothering/nurturing' that I never got from my own mother.
Janet
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Dear Beth,
Thank you for doing these insightful threads.They really promote a good discussion.I have all of the qualities on your list. The one that hurts me most is inability to access emotions.
I have been "obsessed" with the first Paul Potts audition. i have watched it over and over. I am not sure why but I think that it is b/c I see the emotions in the people and feel them in myself.. I love Piers Morgan's face as Paul sings. It is raw emotion--- awe, joy, beauty, and depth. . I see the emotions of a child before the N mother "slapped " them out of him.
I wish that I could find a man like that.I want to be in a place where those emotions exist . I have a deep yearning for this However, I think that it is not a man that I want ,but my own emotions. I still really don't understand this whole thing. If anyone could see this more clearly, I would appreciate it.
I think that the heading of valuing ourself also involves accepting limitations,maintaining boundaries and trusting yourself. I think that when our love for ourselves was "stolen" by the N, many other related things went with it. If we had something we valued, we would care, maintain and treat it well. When we lose value for ourselves,it is as if we are rolling downhill very fast. We are gathering dirt and debris on us and at the end we are a mess. I see myself as covered with the dirt and debris.
I am cleaning it off little by little.
I want to share something really wonderful. It relates to Janet's desire to fell"nothing" for her N mother. What I think that you are saying Janet is that you just want to feel a "neutral" feeling. You really don't want to be effected one way or another.
Today, I woke up and I think that I experienced a healing. For 3 weeks, I have been going through all the feelings and emotions that I have been sharing here. I got a yeast infection and feel that "all over sick feeling" that comes with it. My stomach feels really bad.However, today, something shifted.
I saw myself as in a cylinder. You know the transportation devices that they use in science fiction movies. They are tubes. I saw myself in there, alone. No one can get in or out. I am alone in there,but it feels freeing ,not oppressive. My parents and husband are not in here. No friend or other person can get in .. However,it feels empowering .
Today,my H started trying to pick at me. I really do not care.It is the neutral feeling that Janet talks about.. I can see the truth about him. He provides and takes care of household things. He does not treat me well. He will never treat me well. He will be "whirling" just like my mother is" whirling. " They are going round and round in their crazy dance.My H will find something to hate me about b/c he feels ENTITLED to be an ass. His mother taught him that if he did well in school, he could come home and have tantrums etc and it was O.K.. Anyway, he will always hate me if I don't "buckle"under and let him be and do whatever he wants My job is to love him -- no matter HOW he acts.That is the unspoken agreement. However, I just saw the truth in it. I am empowered b/c I see it..
So. the upshot is that he will always hate me.. The point is what he wants is someone to give to him and love him -- NO MATTER how he acts. So, he is going to be doing his dance-- on and on and on--- just like my mother.
As far as forgiving, I think that Janet had the key. You want to get in to a space where it simply does not matter. I think that I got there with my H. It really does not matter. I will be "nice". I will not be an ass. However, I need to be packing my gun for when I need it. It is the truth. It is not pretty,but it is real.
I think that these 3 weeks of upheaval "birthed many things. I think that realizing that I am alone will put many issues in their proper place.I will not have the expectations of other people. I will not have the expectations of my mother or my husband
Thank you so, so much for letting me share my journey with you and for responding and caring
Love Ami
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Hi Beth,
This is just in time... a great help to review, re-shuffle, re-sort and evaluate. Thank you!
Thinking on this, I'm picturing a deck of cards. When you try to shuffle them the worn ones with bent edges will often get stuck sideways or drop out. Those are the ones that need some attention... to be mended... maybe even replaced.
Maintaining boundaries was the first I had to work on. For awhile, I'd kept them too tight, too closely guarded.
Noticing now that I'm actually able to practice relaxing those somewhat now... because self-respect has had time to become established and grow a bit.
Self-respect/valuing self has allowed respect for others to flow and ease some of the perceived need for such stringent boundaries. This is definitely not a process which can be hurried!
Inability to access emotions is the current issue, I think.
Maybe not to access, because that old "flat-lined" phase is past... but to recognize the emotions.
Past work with my husband uncovered alot... and recent connections with my oldest daughter have shown me that many emotions were still deeply buried, and yet survived. That brought an awakening. Then there've been other recent incidents where I felt prompted to examine a flash of anger and recognized that its root was in hurt feelings - that startled me. It's hard to say what's next in this line of work, because it's still all so new... but acknowledging these emotions and exploring them down to their roots seems to be the task at hand.
Trust - I don't know. Not there yet :) I trust God. Basically I'm thinking that's as good as it gets... too many expectations attached to other forms of trust?
I do trust my husband and my children and my best friends... to a point. Not sure to what point.
Guess it's appropriate to take a look at what exactly that trust is composed of and define its limits?
I don't know whether this may be further along on my own to-do list or just needs to settle in more deeply. Time will tell.
About forgiveness, Beth... just my thoughts - I think that's so closely tied with a newfound self-respect along with an intimate relationship with God - that the two go hand in hand. Defining and accepting self apart from any other human being... recognizing just how much God has forgiven me of... that all helped alot.
Thank you again for drawing out these thoughts!
Love,
Hope
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are growing very fast and making great realizations. You see to understand your husband perfectly. In a way he is a child having a constant tantrum to see how long he can get away with it. You repeated the relationship you had with your mother and now you are ready to let all that behind and start over. You should be so proud. The invisible chamber sounds like a great protective idea.
Ami, I want to say that I have made so much progress in just a year, just by clarifying what the problems were in my life and seeing where they were affecting me. Of the list I posted, I have changed so much in my life already... just from listening to people here and asking advice. Like you, I saw things so clearly when I knew what the other person was really doing. It's like the Emporer's New Clothes.
Janet,
You and I have so much of the same experinces. It is hard for me to accept that she could be a mother and just not sacrifice anything because she didn't want to and she felt she came first in everything. Having had my own children, I just can't believe she is that self-centered. And I just can't stand that the people around her insulate her. I think that is what bothers me the most - so maybe that means I am feeling some need to feel "right." I need to change THAT in me. I also am bothered that my sister and dad are so ingrained in this nasty behavior system. They are corrupted and it is their fault, but at the same time I wonder how people who lived around me for so long can be so mean and never want to grow as people.
((((((((((((((((((((nursie)))))))))))))))))
I am glad to see yo here and posting again.
CH,
Boundaries were way hard for me. I tried to please everyone for the longest time and people just rush in to take advantage of that... Your post in general showed me that these are all so closely linked... working on one leads to progress in the other areas. Also, both you and Ami talked about the emotions. I know for me it was like I had two people inside. The "Hollow Person" was the one I used around my family. I was like a zombie in my house. The other person was an immature brat who was trying to figure out how other people acted and why and tried to copy them and find some peace and happiness. Great way to learn, eh?????
Thanks y'all (using my Texas language). Tomorrow we'll be on the road for 26 hours heading to the East Coast. Arrgghhhh.
Love, Beth
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Beth,
Valuing myself has to be the one I stuggle with most. I have been hardwired to think others needs are more important than mine and no matter how often i learn hard lesson I go back into the pit again.
Forgiving my Nparents, yes I have but forgiving XN........NO but I have forgiven myself for staying with El Creepo.
Waiting for change, this bit I never get. I understood after many years that Nparents were not going to change but got caught in the hope trap again with XN. I think it is quite childlike the inability to know that everyone cannot change. Of course intellectually I understand this but emotionally I think I am still stuck though I do accept that XN will not/cannot change.
axa
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Hi Beth
Valuing myself.
Accepting my limitations? How about accepting my strengths too, linked to (1).
Not sure I understand 4) Inability to trust your parents or others .... I trust others. Trust my parents to do what? I trust them to be who they are. and that's about it!
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Absolutely it is valuing myself. Until very, very recently, I did not see how huge a problem it is that I have not been able to do this. Ami, your imagery or rolling downhill was great. Very vivid and applicable!
Being my usual self comparing things to stories, I think of the valuing myself problem in terms of the story The Goose Girl. In this story, through ignorance, a princess is taken off guard by an enemy who steals her identity and casts her down into the role of servant - tending the geese. Many injustices and outrages ensue, because the identity thief is an imposter - she is falsely valuing herself and does not value the responsibilities of her role. The Goose Girl passively stays in this position watching one wrong after another, until she learns to value herself. Then she starts to make change.
I'm really not troubled by being unable to forgive my parents. For many years I felt it was compulsory to forgive them, or else I was a bad person. I'm so happy to be relieved of that burden and to lose that false compulsion. I personally have beliefs that include continuity of life beyond this life, and feel that Time is necessary for forgiveness to ripen, and that, in truth, it cannot be rushed or forced. After all, I have much experience with forced forgiveness: it doesn't heal.
Recently someone castigated me for not forgiving my father, and I was happy to find it angered me to be lectured to and otherwise bounced right off. That boundary is strongly in place. Yes!
One thing is for sure, I'm not going to get any remorse, contrition or apologies in this lifetime. So perhaps my belief that I will get them in some lifetime is just being optimistic and the way I rationalize it to myself. :D
It seems to me that accepting my limitations will be a big issue for me in future. I've certainly accepted my limitation on ability to forgive, but since seeing reality (and myself within that reality) is an ongoing project - like trying to construct glasses to cure very blurry perception - becoming aware of more limitations all the time.
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) Valuing yourself 2) Accepting your limitations 3) Maintaining boundaries 4) Inability to trust your parents or others 5) Inability to access emotions 6) Inability to forgive your parents 7) wanting your parents to be different
Valuing myself, accepting my limitations and maintaining boundaries are probably my big three. I do have problems with all the others though too, especially the last one. I have a hard time really trusting people, not just my parents. It gives me a "I have to do this myself" type attitude, and therefore I don't look for help. I don't know about forgiveness yet, I'm still too angry to forgive. I don't really have a hard time accessing my emotions, just acting on them or expressing them. I do still want my parents to be different. So perhaps I have a hard time with four. Definitely the first three, and probably the first one most of all. I have a hard time just taking time for me and not getting overwhelmed with all sorts of other stuff. I have a tendency to take on too much, too quick, and get overwhelmed.
Ami, ((((((hugs, sweetheart))))), you're getting better. You really are. It just takes time.
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For me it is 5) Inability to access emotions
My therapist said I was disconnected and had been from very young. We are working on that.
love
Izzy
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Man, I struggle with most of those too. I think boundaries is hardest. I feel like I don't have any boundaries. Like people can come and go and do what they please and that I wasn't to have any feelings about that. I have recently been in a year long cold war/battle thing with my N family and have felt that I need to hide in order to protect myself cause my non-exsitent boundaries were not there to protect me. Feels good though to be finally able to set some. Hard to explain the details but I am starting to see that I don't have to take it and I don't have to fight for my safety openly either. I can just do what is best for me and hope that it will work out. I still feel guilty for doing this....why my intellectual brain can't figure out.....but I fight the guilt too and try to whisper truth to myself. Feel little parts of myself able to get back in the game. Like today. A new neighbor moved in next door. I actually introduced myself and welcomed the family to the block. I felt comfortable and she seems so nice. The whole time I had to tell myself not to "try" too hard. Not to pretend to be a good person -- with all of my jumping thru hoops. I wasn't quite my most comfortable self, but dang! I think I did pretty well. Baby steps...bill murray, move over!
--mof4
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7) wanting your parents to be different
As a child growing up it was certainly this. My dad was a twin. fraternal twin. So he and his twin brother didn't look exactly alike. They were opposites. He was nice, my dad was mean (an n.) I always wanted Dean for a dad. Prayed that one day i'd wake up and my dad would be Dean, not Dale.
Well, my dad died.
Now my life revolves around my husband who I believe I married to complete the cycle (also an N). I actually have come along way in the cycle. From helpless and hoping and wishing to actually taking control of my life and how I want it to be. I do still find myself wishing he was....someone else? Different? Wish different qualities on him? I don't know. I still feel that. I'm not completely whole yet. There is something there that maybe says I don't think I'm quite worth it yet??? I don't know what it is.
I also would say a weakness is "Not knowing what I want" and "Not going after what I want"
I tend to take the easy way out or around things. Don't bend the rules, don't make waves, don't step on toes, don't make others struggle just for me. All those things are ingrained I think.
Dandylife
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1) Valuing yourself--I think I have improved in this area by using the new tapes (in my head)
2) Accepting your limitations--Hmmmm, I think I have come up against my limitations in some pretty traumatic ways the last few years and sort of accepted them due to exhaustion!
3) Maintaining boundaries--I just learned what those were in the past couple of years and it is hard to establish them, but I am learning how. I had to first identify what was important enough to me to stand firm on. Had to also learn the various ways in which boundaries can be violated.
4) Inability to trust your parents or others--My parents were/are very predictable so trust really doesn't come into play there. I do not trust my peers, people my age, or myself. That is going to be a hard won ability.
5) Inability to access emotions--First I had to learn what they were and what they felt like. Then had to learn to allow them to exist. Then had to learn how to do that while still functioning normally in public. Now my challenge is to foster peace, happiness and contentment.
6) Inability to forgive your parents--Right now, this one is a non-issue for me. Maybe I've thought so much about the past I just want to be done with it. Maybe I know they were crippled and how do you forgive someone for just being themselves? I have more trouble with forgiving myself. That's more important to me to accomplish.
7) Wanting your parents to be different--Well, that would involve going back in time or being born to someone else. I guess I just haven't spent a lot of energy on those kinds of hopes or fantasies. I wanted my current circumstances to be different, I wanted to be rescued, things like that. Sure, I think if I had been born to different people, but was still the same person I am, my life would have been better. I often compare myself to some of my son's friends, the girls with similar interests to me, and it takes my breath away to see a happier, self-confident version of myself. It makes me very wistful. But much of the damage done to me was done by my peers. Maybe if the adults had been more attentive, or the other kids' parents kinder, better teachers, then my life would have been better. That's the one that breaks my heart. That is what seems to have been such a waste. The kids who were so very, very cruel to me just weren't raised right. They were raised to be greedy and aggressive. The girl who almost destroyed me was a victim of incest. I wish her parents had been different. Mine weren't great but they certainly didn't set out to destroy me as her parents pretty much did. If her parents had been different, we would have been friends instead of predator and prey.
Pennyplant
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5) Inability to access emotions--First I had to learn what they were and what they felt like. Then had to learn to allow them to exist. Then had to learn how to do that while still functioning normally in public. Now my challenge is to foster peace, happiness and contentment.
Wow PP and Shunned
Am I learning somethiung this morning.
exercise my emotions.
I haven't been doing that for too long, so am trying to find them and have been all over the Board with posts today on this topic.
Thanks Loads
xx
Uzzy
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Forgive me father ofr I have sined.
I have the seven of them. Boy, do I have those problemems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hi Beth,
Great, thought provoking question. When I first read it - I thought, ok need a lot of work all are true :shock:.
But I got to thinking. For me, the biggest boils down to valuing my self. I think if I had that, the rest might fall into place.
Second – trusting others. The part about trusting my parents doesn’t really apply as an issue for me – I don’t trust them and will never trust them again (if my father were alive this would still be true). I don’t really have an issue with it as though I need to fix this, it is what is, and I can’t change it, nor would I ever put my self at risk in their hands again. The issue for me is trusting others. I don’t trust most people - period. There are a few I trust, but never completely. I have learned very painfully that people can turn on a dime.
Third - maintaining boundaries – I think as a young child I was not allowed to have any boundaries. If I tried to erect those fragile little walls – they were demolished, quite painfully, at the hands of my FOO. I think at some point in my life (and I can think of a few), I decided that I was so tired of no boundaries and everyone walking all over me that I erected huge boundaries, boundaries so strong and thick that I let no one in. Ironically, before NC, the walls applied to those outside of my FOO more than inside the FOO (in retrospect I think the reverse would have been a lot healthier!). The walls have thinned somewhat for a few people, but not many, and not all the way.
Fourth – inability to access emotions - accessing emotion is tough for me (probably because of those walls??).
The “inability to forgive my parents” depends on the definition of forgiveness. If forgiveness is defined as the mental, emotional and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation, or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution (Wikpedia definition), then yes I need to forgive. If I need to do all that and turn the other cheek and allow this to happen again – not happening. Cheek is too sore!
As for the remainder, “accepting my limitations” and “wanting my parents to be different” I don’t really see these as issues. Accepting my limitations – not sure what this means. Wanting my parents to be different – can’t say I ever really thought of this as an issue to get past. Would I have liked my parents to be different – you bet, but I don’t really dwell on it.
Very thought provoking question!!!
Peace
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I really got a lot from the responses to this thread.
Shunned--- that was profound. We can look at our "flaws" as on a continuum-- rather than have them or not have them. This is a huge insight to me. I always saw myself in a separate category. I was a damaged person from a crazy mother.. I saw other people as "having' good traits and me as "having "bad traits.
You are saying that we all have the same traits on a continuum . Also, that the "severity" of the traits can change and alter all through our lives. WOW
Shunned--- Is that what you meant?
How did you figure this out? It seems so obvious once you see it,but I was blocked by my own black and white thinking Love Ami
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Feeling positive about self-discipline and moving forward
Believing in my future again
Acting on my dreams
Self-care
Hops
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Finding Peace,
When you wrote:
"I think at some point in my life (and I can think of a few), I decided that I was so tired of no boundaries and everyone walking all over me that I erected huge boundaries, boundaries so strong and thick that I let no one in. Ironically, before NC, the walls applied to those outside of my FOO more than inside the FOO (in retrospect I think the reverse would have been a lot healthier!)."
that really struck a chord with me.
There was a time (in my mid-twenties) when I actually remember saying to someone at work who I knew well ' I don't need any friends - I only need my family'. Years later, she told me this had sounded really scary to her. I'd thought it was normal, as my family had always lived by the idea that 'outsiders' are dangerous, so we 'kept ourselves to ourselvess' But, guess what? That was my NMum's idea, not mine really. Took years to work that one out. Seeing the outside world as the 'enemy' and home as 'safe' is a very sneaky way that they train you not to leave.
Janet
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Hi Beth,
I think for me, the big one is valuing myself. I just went which ever way the wind blew. You want to hurt me? OK. You want to leave me? OK. Whatever you wanted me to do, however you wanted me to act, OK by me! You want me to like to ride motorcycles (ex), no problem! I'll even kill myself working to buy you one! You get the idea. That was me.
I don't do that anymore! Thanks to this board!
Love,
Bigalspal
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Hey Shunned,
Like the continum idea.......but I have to confess, I am a little childish on this. I want my healing and I want it today!!! :x (tantrum tantrum)
"You want to hurt me? Ok. You want to leave me? OK."
This was me too. Watching myself do this -- like an out of body experience. And then finally learning how to say no more. Feel like I have to learn those boundaries, those self valuing skills, everyday.
Thanks,
mof4
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Hey Beth ,
Great question I can answer this one easily it is number 1) Valuing yourself I can see from a small child I always thought everyone was better than me.
Also it was not until high school this changed ....I had teachers that helped me books and learning from 3d friends and friends right here as well.
So thank you for the question good thread...
moon
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Hi Janet,
Yes - they use isolation techniques from a very young age to keep you locked into the "family." I hear about the isolation techniques a lot with Npartner relationships (where the NH or NW won't allow their partner to have friends outside the relationship), but not so much with families.
I too was taught that the outside world was dangerous and that the only ones I could trust were my FOO (ha! - have to laugh at that one). Also, whenever I brought a friend home for them to meet, there was always something wrong with them - they didn't live in the right kind of house, they didn't wear the right kind of clothes, they had their ears pierced too may times, their mother was a single mother, their father didn't have an executive job....ad nauseum. I also couldn't trust how my parents and brother would act when I had a friend over. The parents would also get jealous that my attention was not focused on them, so after my friends would leave, I would get h*** for something or other. Over time I just stopped pursing friendships - just too draining.
It is a very hard pattern to break. Unfortunately, I was also in an abusive relationship in my early 20's - got out of it fairly quickly, but that just about sealed those walls.
Peace
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Beth,
What a great topic. It is a great book, so helpful, but painful to read.
I suffer from all 7, but I think the most important struggle (and lesson to learn) for me now is boundaries.
So many wonderful posts. Many people are expressing ideas and feelings I have and this makes me feeless alone, less “abnormal”, less freakish.
Regarding forgiveness, some people, like Alice Miller, feel it’s OK not to forgive. I agree with Iphi that forced forgiveness doesn’t heal and I have also heard that in the afterlife, we all forgive each other, which is a comforting thought.
Pennyplant
The girl who almost destroyed me was a victim of incest. I wish her parents had been different.
I don’t mean to keep mentioning about Alice Miller, but she talks about this situation in describing Hitler’s upbringing. Bad parenting can unleash evil into the world.
So sorry Pennyplant for those nasty kids.
Shunned
But there's no "right" place to be, all the time; it changes throughout our lives.
I love your continuum idea, it’s very freeing and takes some pressure off.
Finding Peace
maintaining boundaries – I think as a young child I was not allowed to have any boundaries. If I tried to erect those fragile little walls – they were demolished, quite painfully, at the hands of my FOO. I think at some point in my life (and I can think of a few), I decided that I was so tired of no boundaries and everyone walking all over me that I erected huge boundaries, boundaries so strong and thick that I let no one in. Ironically, before NC, the walls applied to those outside of my FOO more than inside the FOO (in retrospect I think the reverse would have been a lot healthier!). The walls have thinned somewhat for a few people, but not many, and not all the way.
Boy, Finding Peace you really expressed my feelings.
Janet
There was a time (in my mid-twenties) when I actually remember saying to someone at work who I knew well ' I don't need any friends - I only need my family'. Years later, she told me this had sounded really scary to her. I'd thought it was normal, as my family had always lived by the idea that 'outsiders' are dangerous, so we 'kept ourselves to ourselvess' But, guess what? That was my NMum's idea, not mine really. Took years to work that one out. Seeing the outside world as the 'enemy' and home as 'safe' is a very sneaky way that they train you not to leave.
Me, too Janet. My family was a fortress: no outsiders got in and none of us could leave.
My mother also almost always found something wrong with my friends or boyfriends and before I knew it, she would talk me out of liking. Once she tuned me into their faults, I was focused on their faults.
Sally
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Peace,
Yes, after I 'escaped' the FOO from hell, I left home only to live with an N (that my NMum and Nsister had 'chosen' for me). Took 6 years to get away from him.
They seem to enjoy setting us up for relationship failure, so that we'll go back to them. My Nmum even suggested that I moved back in with her (when I ended the abusive boyfriend relationship), and my Dad could 'have' my flat to live in, as she despised him, and wanted me back under her roof so that she could control me better. The fact that neither me nor my Dad wanted to do that totally flummoxed her...after all, it was SUCH a good idea!!
Janet
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Janet -
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: move back in? :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
<<gagging>>
NEVER!!!
I am so glad you are out of those relationships and have found a truly wonderful partner!
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Peace,
Thank you for the 'shocked looks'!!
Yep, seemed pretty mental to me, too, even back then.
I was sooo desperately hard up once I'd separated from the Nboyfriend (as he'd cleared out my bank accounts, getting me overdrawn), that it would have been MUCH easier to move back in, but my instinct just told me not to. As soon as I'd left home, even with living with the Nboyfriend, I had still managed to increase my weight from an anorexic 5 stone 3 lbs to 7 stone 7 lbs in a year - simply by not having to live with my mother! I sure as hell wasn't going to let her do THAT to me again!
Guess, what...surprise, surprise - both my Nmum and Nsister hated my husband from the moment they set eyes on him (they could obviously see that he wasn't falling for any of it).
My Nmum's reason was 'he's too clever' (i.e he's got a degree, and at the time was a schoolteacher)
My Nsister's reason was 'he's a teacher, and everyone knows how awful they are' (meaning she did averagely at school, whereas I did really well, and she felt inadequate, so she'd projected that onto the 'nasty' teachers, therefore ALL teachers were dreadful!)
Both of them claimed once I started NC that he was stupid to 'blindly support me ' and 'fall for my lies'. Aaarrgghhh!!
Janet
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Ami,
Funnily enough, I'm not at all surprised your H doesn't like Maria...although she sounds lovely, to me! :D
Janet
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Dear Shunned,
When I still had good "mental health", I "knew" that we all as humans were the same.This comforted me b/c if I was upset, I thought that all people deal with these feelings. I was not alone.Then, after many layers of N lies--- I was lost.
I felt alone-- not connected to others by having the same emotions. I thought that I was "bad" b/c I was damaged by an N mother.
Your post reminded me that this is not the case.I am on the continuum of emotions that humans have.
Thanks for reminding me, Shunned.Please keep posting. I love your voice Love Ami
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Dear Shunned,
Knowing that you are not "bad" is really, really big. I am not there ,yet. Down deep, I feel that I am "bad", even though in my 'head', I know that it is not true. I seem to not want to let go of the last thread of her. That last thread might be that I am not "bad" ..I really, really want to get what you have on this . How did you get there/ Did it just hit you,one day? Love Ami