Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on July 16, 2007, 06:51:37 PM
-
I am just going to speak from the heart and then erase it if it does not sound "good"I am just hurting so badly. I ask myself the question,"Isn't it time I just said ,'Screw it " to everything and just love and accept myself? Why don't I simply say---- the Hell with everyone and i am going to love and accept myself. Why should I love myself? NO REASON -----Just BECAUSE.
I realized last week when I decided to be who I am --on the board_ that life has NO meaning if i am not connected to my core. If I don't honor and respect my core--- I might as well just sit on a chair and never get up b/c life will have no meaning . My meaning in life is when I live it from my core---- PERIOD.
I remember my mother and I went out for breakfast. I was about 13-14. I remember feeling whole. The day was sunny. We ate outside and had blueberry muffins. Everything tasted good and was "real". I was" real ". This little slice in time is coming back to me lately. After that I started feeling numb. I changed schools and went to a private school. I was "not there". The kids asked me to go to parties. I was afraid to go. I was not "real" ,anymore. I did not live from my core.I lived for how I looked outside. I remember when I got married. I was not "real". All the things that I did-- I was not there. I just really hurt right now--but I think that I am becoming "real".
I never knew what it took to come out of denial. My body feels sick all over.--- really sick all over.
Yesterday, I felt a voice tell me," I love you and I made you-- so that is your value."Today,it was "funny",but my son had a massage and the therapist told him that she found her value b/c God loved her even though she had an abusive father. My S said to her,"I have to go home and tell my mother that."
When will be the right time to just say,"Screw it to anyone who wants to push me down and just say,"I am here and I am doing it my way." Like it or not---------I am going to love myself Ami
-
from Ami,,,,I am just going to speak from the heart ...that life has NO meaning if i am not connected to my core
Ami, are you saying that you are disconnected from your core/feelings and can still speak from your heart? I am confused.
When I came on board I said I no feelings--they had been traumatized from me, and then reported that my therapist said I was "disconnected" and that is what we are working on.
Are you denying a trauma from that period in your life, if all was well before, even your mother? age14?
Most of my life is 'unreal' as though it has happened to someone else and I am 68. I know it's my life and I KNOW, my head tells me, what is sad, what is happy, what is twisted, when I pity someone. I live in my mind, not my heart! But I am not unhappy, because I do the things I like to do.
Anything ring a bell, Ami?
love
Izzy
oh BTW I might as well just sit on a chair and never get up b/c life will have no meaning
something else we have in common should you decide to.
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
Ami, maybe the right time to love yourself won't be just one moment all of a sudden. It may be the accumulation of many, many moments and lessons. I don't think it is necessarily a steady progression either. But some time from now, you will look back and see that you are a different person from before.
Pennyplant
-
Izzy you wrote: "oh BTW
Quote
'I might as well just sit on a chair and never get up b/c life will have no meaning'
something else we have in common should you decide to."
Just wanted to acknowledge this and say this statement must have hit you like a ton of bricks!
You are gorgeous, by the way - as is your daughter.
Dandylife :)
-
I did not mean that a person was a "non person "if they were in a chair. I meant that I would sit in a room and not go anywhere. It was a figure of speech--only-- not a literal reference to a chair.
I am very sorry if I was insensitive-- Izzy. Ami
-
That's okay--but then that attitude is what gets me into trouble--excusing people and not confronting them.
however....
I'm not connected to my emotions. If I were I might feel a punch in the gut but I'm okay
Actually, except for laying in bed reading/sleeping, I have been in this chair for 3 days without going out--and even if I go out I still am in the chair. You see? 38 years now-- the pic with my daughter I am 30 and she is 5; the one alone, I am 31.
That is the little darlin' who is now 43 and not too communicative.
I expect one must always be careful what one says, but slips are bound to happen. I say "I'm goin' downtown" not "I'm rolling downtown". I don't make a big fuss over my languge, as it sounds self-pitying.
Love all
Izzy
-
from Ami,,,,I am just going to speak from the heart ...that life has NO meaning if i am not connected to my core
Ami, are you saying that you are disconnected from your core/feelings and can still speak from your heart? I am confused.
When I came on board I said I no feelings--they had been traumatized from me, and then reported that my therapist said I was "disconnected" and that is what we are working on.
Are you denying a trauma from that period in your life, if all was well before, even your mother? age14?
Most of my life is 'unreal' as though it has happened to someone else and I am 68. I know it's my life and I KNOW, my head tells me, what is sad, what is happy, what is twisted, when I pity someone. I live in my mind, not my heart! But I am not unhappy, because I do the things I like to do.
Anything ring a bell, Ami?
love
Izzy
Ami, will you respond to my questions as I am curious to know!
I am wondering if you are becoming enmeshed with the Board folks, or if you really don't feel your core.
Izzy
-
I ask myself the question,"Isn't it time I just said ,'Screw it " to everything and just love and accept myself?
Hi Ami Honey,
I haven't been around for a while, but want to say this: You are really progressing beautifully; the very fact that you're even CONSIDERING that it's about time that you love yourself is mind blowing!!! This is a HUGE LEAP for you!!!!!!!
BUT, what I have learned is that our healing, our recovery is a PROCESS. I can be impatient with myself and think "c'mon, c'mon, let's move forward already, sheeesh!!!!" But, I have found that healing & recovery doesn't work that way. It's a gradual progression and then ONE DAY, you (I) notice that we have changed for the better.
So give yourself a break. Wish we could all just snap our fingers and be done with healing & recovery and just live our happy merry lives, but, for me, it doesn't work that way. It's bit by bit, revelation by revelation, brick by brick.
And, Ami, YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!!!!
Izzy:
As they say on Long Island (NY): "Yaw uh pissuh!!", which means you're really funny and keep me laughing. Please do not hold back; I need the gufaws.
Izzy, I am so sorry about the situation with your daughter and grandkids. I know you feel, to put it mildly, disappointed. But, having read your story, I truly beleive you did the very best you could have done: You (and me and we) did not know about narcissism or family dysfunction until recently. I believe if everyone on this board knew then what we know now, we all would have done things differently. But we cannot change the past. We only have now.
Izzy, I admire you for all the healing & recovery you are doing now. You're a wonderfulperson.
Things may change with your daughter, she may come around; we never know what the future may bring. But, in any case, please know how highly I regard you.
Love,
Sally
-
Dear Sally,
You "Got It".Thank you. I was going to PM you today. I have been thinking about you and your healing.I guess the "angst" of my post brought you out with a hankie and a cup of tea. Thank you.
It is exactly what you said--- a heart cry on my way to loving myself. It is a marker in the 'marathon".
Love Ami
-
Dear Izzy,
. I am in a fight for my life. I NEED to connect with my core. My life has no meaning without it. My life is grey without it. I am not asking the question,"Should I connect with my core?" I KNOW that I must.
You seem to be questioning the general premise of should a person connect with their core or just"live in their mind?".. I have lived in my mind since 14 and i don't want to live in my mind anymore.
Your posts seem to be your own questionings of where I am going. I know where i am going. .
Perhaps, this is not the way for you.. The board, to me, is a way to connect with my lost voice. My connection with my lost voice and my path to myself are my own choices I am finding my voice---- Isn't that what the board is for? .
-
I ask myself the question,"Isn't it time I just said ,'Screw it " to everything and just love and accept myself?
Hi Ami Honey,
I haven't been around for a while, but want to say this: You are really progressing beautifully; the very fact that you're even CONSIDERING that it's about time that you love yourself is mind blowing!!! This is a HUGE LEAP for you!!!!!!!
BUT, what I have learned is that our healing, our recovery is a PROCESS. I can be impatient with myself and think "c'mon, c'mon, let's move forward already, sheeesh!!!!" But, I have found that healing & recovery doesn't work that way. It's a gradual progression and then ONE DAY, you (I) notice that we have changed for the better.
So give yourself a break. Wish we could all just snap our fingers and be done with healing & recovery and just live our happy merry lives, but, for me, it doesn't work that way. It's bit by bit, revelation by revelation, brick by brick.
And, Ami, YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!!!!
Izzy:
As they say on Long Island (NY): "Yaw uh pissuh!!", which means you're really funny and keep me laughing. Please do not hold back; I need the gufaws.
Izzy, I am so sorry about the situation with your daughter and grandkids. I know you feel, to put it mildly, disappointed. But, having read your story, I truly beleive you did the very best you could have done: You (and me and we) did not know about narcissism or family dysfunction until recently. I believe if everyone on this board knew then what we know now, we all would have done things differently. But we cannot change the past. We only have now. I don't understand this...Izzy, this has nothing to do with your situation, honest, this is just a question I don't understand: I thought, from reading this board, that saying'you did the best that you could' was not acceptable if it was said of our parents? There is so much pain here, so much hate for parents, does anyone truly believe 'they did the best 'they' could? I do, but I'm confused because for some, when it's said it's offensive to them. Does this question make sense to anyone?
Izzy, I admire you for all the healing & recovery you are doing now. You're a wonderfulperson.
Things may change with your daughter, she may come around; we never know what the future may bring. But, in any case, please know how highly I regard you.
Love,
Sally
-
I ask myself the question,"Isn't it time I just said ,'Screw it " to everything and just love and accept myself?
Hi Ami Honey,
I haven't been around for a while, but want to say this: You are really progressing beautifully; the very fact that you're even CONSIDERING that it's about time that you love yourself is mind blowing!!! This is a HUGE LEAP for you!!!!!!!
BUT, what I have learned is that our healing, our recovery is a PROCESS. I can be impatient with myself and think "c'mon, c'mon, let's move forward already, sheeesh!!!!" But, I have found that healing & recovery doesn't work that way. It's a gradual progression and then ONE DAY, you (I) notice that we have changed for the better.
So give yourself a break. Wish we could all just snap our fingers and be done with healing & recovery and just live our happy merry lives, but, for me, it doesn't work that way. It's bit by bit, revelation by revelation, brick by brick.
And, Ami, YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!!!!
Izzy:
As they say on Long Island (NY): "Yaw uh pissuh!!", which means you're really funny and keep me laughing. Please do not hold back; I need the gufaws.
Izzy, I am so sorry about the situation with your daughter and grandkids. I know you feel, to put it mildly, disappointed. But, having read your storyI truly beleive you did the very best you could have done: You (and me and we) did not know about narcissism or family dysfunction until recently. I believe if everyone on this board knew then what we know now, we all would have done things differently. But we cannot change the past. We only have nowI don't understand this...Izzy, this has nothing to do with your situation, honest, this is just a question I don't understand: I thought, from reading this board, that saying'you did the best that you could' was not acceptable if it was said of our parents? There is so much pain here, so much hate for parents, does anyone truly believe 'they did the best 'they' could? I do, but I'm confused because for some, when it's said it's offensive to them. Does this question make sense to anyone?
Izzy, I admire you for all the healing & recovery you are doing now. You're a wonderfulperson.
Things may change with your daughter, she may come around; we never know what the future may bring. But, in any case, please know how highly I regard you.
Love,
Sally
, I truly beleive you did the very best you could have done: You (and me and we) did not know about narcissism or family dysfunction until recently. I believe if everyone on this board knew then what we know now, we all would have done things differently. But we cannot change the past. We only have now. I don't understand this...Izzy, this has nothing to do with your situation, honest, this is just a question I don't understand: I thought, from reading this board, that saying'you did the best that you could' was not acceptable if it was said of our parents? There is so much pain here, so much hate for parents, does anyone truly believe 'they did the best 'they' could? I do, but I'm confused because for some, when it's said it's offensive to them. Does this question make sense to anyone?[
-
Why can't you just say "I will love myself"? Who or what is telling you that you can't? I think you do love yourself. I think you even like yourself. You are a great defender of yourself. Maybe you could just decide that you don't have to defend it anymore. You don't have to have your worth "proved" to you anymore. Why can't you just decide it? End the debate inside of your head. Trust that it is true.
I know that recovery is a process. But I think there are parts of it that are like a staircase. Moments when we are invited to walk on a different or higher ground. To take some of the ground we have lost back. And then practice the skill on a new playing field.
Ami, I think this is an invitation. Maybe it is coming from God or yourself. But dang! I think you should accept it and go to the dang party. Pick out a new dress and killler shoes and love youself!!! In short, forget every voice telling you that you "can't" and just go for it!!!
--mof4 (picturing myself in a cheerleader outfit for you! Go. Fight. WIN!)
-
I don't understand this...Izzy, this has nothing to do with your situation, honest, this is just a question I don't understand: I thought, from reading this board, that saying'you did the best that you could' was not acceptable if it was said of our parents? There is so much pain here, so much hate for parents, does anyone truly believe 'they did the best 'they' could? I do, but I'm confused because for some, when it's said it's offensive to them. Does this question make sense to anyone?
Dear Silly,
Excellent question. Yes, there is disagreement about the question as to "did the N do the best that the N could do".
Lighter explained my view of this question in another post (can't find itnow). But, MY feeling is 3 fold:
1st:For acts that are blatantly evil , like pouring scolding hot water on a child, then I would never say an NP "did the best they could do". Clearly such an act is evil and wrong.
2nd: there are situations where an N (or NP) is ignorant. Sometimes the ignorance is due to a lack of education or knowledge. In this case, I believe that the N may have done the best they could do because they didn;t know any better. Nonethe less, the child or victim is still injured, so that the N's ignorance DOES NOT DIMINISH the child or victim's wound.
3rd: This is also my opinion: If the N ( or NP) lives in denial, then the N is also"ignorant" because they subconsciously refuse to look at the TRUTH of their actions. They refuse to "acknowledge" the evil that they do because they cannot face the truth (this is along the lines of Scott Peck's "Peopleof the Lie"). Peck calls such people "evil" and I agree. Nonethe less, because these Ns refuse to acknoweldge the truth of their actions, they live in a fog of denial and therefore,it's my opinion that such people could do not better than what they have done.
Because they live in denial, they can't see the truth and therefore, they are blind to the evil that they do, and thus, they could not have done any better. Therefore, such people did the "best" they could do. Again, this is my opinion.
As to your statement about many people 'hating' their parents, I can't always call it plain and simple hate. I believe that many of us are trying to UNDERSTAND and FATHOM our NP's treatment of us so that we can make some sense of it. Maybe some do hate their parents, but there's also a lot of effort to try to make sense of our upbringings and our FOOs and as we do so, we may feel a lot of anger and hate, but I think those are part of the mix of emotions that we feel. In my opinion, I think many of us feel hurt, pain, disappointmemt, disillusion and perhaps those feelings can amount to hate. I think the hatred depends on how bad someone's NPs were.
Love,
sally
-
Dear Izzy,
. I am in a fight for my life. I NEED to connect with my core. My life has no meaning without it. My life is grey without it. I am not asking the question,"Should I connect with my core?" I KNOW that I must.
You seem to be questioning the general premise of should a person connect with their core or just"live in their mind?".. I have lived in my mind since 14 and i don't want to live in my mind anymore.
Your posts seem to be your own questionings of where I am going. I know where i am going. .
Perhaps, this is not the way for you.. The board, to me, is a way to connect with my lost voice. My connection with my lost voice and my path to myself are my own choices I am finding my voice---- Isn't that what the board is for? .
Hi Ami
If you read my post again, I am saying that I have disconnected from my feeings (my core ) and that is what the therapist and I are working on. I have "lived in my mind" for almost 68 years and am trying to fix that.
So, NO! I am not saying you are wrong in wanting to connect again. What I was getting at is that we have the same problem but are just wording it differently.
Also, I am through with allowing thoughts of Ns control my life, so I have chosen to be 'happy' (fake it til you make it) to enjoy myself and forget about the Ns. I have set them aside. I therefore, generally, leave alone posts about Ns and watch for the posts about 'Voice'. Then I am working on only me, not on fixing (can't be done) Ns.
That is why there are seldom any rants from me re Ns'
Regards
Izzy
-
Also, I am through with allowing thoughts of Ns control my life,
Sometimes I'm reading here and things just pop out at me. This is one. Good goal, excellent goal.... I need so much work on this. Going to post it on my frig.
Thanks Izzy!
-
Amen. Izzy! and MS! I think those N's sought to control us. And many times they succeeded. But I know that I don't have to be controlled. There are no bars on me. No one forcing me to believe. Just me choosing to buy into it. I am with Izzy. No more letting them control my life. No more being miopically focused on what they did and how it hurt. Just me moving forward and breathing free.
--mof4
-
Hi Mof 4,
Just me choosing to buy into it.
I agree. But, there was a time for me when I was UNAWARE that I CHOSE to buy into it. Before I found out about narcissism, I didn't KNOW I HAD a CHOICE.
Now that I know about narcissism, I know that I DO have a choice.
Love,
sally
-
Hey Sally !
I think I knew I had a choice but I am sure I didn't know what thing to choose. Still don't most days. the confusion! I hate it. I am a lover of clarity. Some days I find it so elusive.
Feels free to stop and at least say that we do have choices and then wait for the way to reveal itself. I have spent so long running in circles while the N bites my fanny!
--mof4
-
Dear MOF,
your poor fanny!!!!!!!!
I think it's OK to be confused. We are not perfect and we make mistakes and it's OK. Maybe just give yourself a little time to evaluate the choices and then it may be easier to choose.
I love clarity too, but, unfortunately, I think life is often misty and murky and I accept that. Then again, the challenge (and maybe the "fun") can lie in the elusiveness.
I try to embrace the following: the only perfect and clear thing is God. We are humans, not God. For us, life is often a fuzzy, misty, elusive mystery and God gives us a free will to make choices. Sometimes we make the wrong choice, but it's OK because we are imperfect humans, we are not God.
Love,
Sally
Love,
sally