Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on July 19, 2007, 09:46:30 AM
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When I joked about ending up with dogs----- something big hit me. I looked back at my life. The happiest times were when I felt centered and whole. I could have been doing anything . I could have been with people or alone. My happiness was a connection of wholeness with myself.
As I heal, slices in time are coming back to me. I remember being in N.C-visiting my aunt and cousin. I was walking in the morning to meet them for breakfast. The cigarette factories smelled like cigarettes,but it was a sweet,plant type of smell. I felt whole. Another time I was eating breakfast in the college cafeteria ,early,on a Sunday morning when no one was there. The coffee was so good and I think that I had french toast. It was sweet and delicious.
Slices of time of being at peace are coming back to me. Life was more "real" and vivid that it has been lately. At some point-my senses became more .grey. I guess I got that Psychological word that means you can't experience pleasure".
I remember that I had many really nice boyfriends and girlfriends. However, no relationship ever "filled" up my sense of self. It was fun and exciting to have a boyfriend,but it was 'grey" if I did not have myself.
So, I see that what I want-- no one can give me. This is good b/c none can take it away from me either. My H is really a "blip" on the radar screen" to where I want to go. When I get whole,I will know what to do with him.
I am in shock now -- so I will give it time to get out. My H is a victim of his upbringing,too. HOWEVER,I cannot allow any abuse by him, my son,mother etc. The abuse issue is a secondary issue ,too.
I am happy that I don't need them to help me get where I want to go Love Ami
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Start with dogs.
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Hey Ami, yes Ive been experiencing some of what youve mentioned, remebering times when I was truly happy, being with family and friends but some of the most calm moments were when I was alone and contented with myself. Lately I feel so happy that I am contented again. I have periods lately, periods of anger, periods of depression, preiods of greyness and periods of calmness and relaxation. The relaxation and clamness is becoming more prevelant over time and the greyness is fading, the depression has gone virtually and the anger is becoming easier with time too.
I am so happy that you realise that only you can guide yourself to your destination, I am there right with you on that score, I sit and smile to myself sometimes as the freedom from the past feels such a relief adn the future looks all kinds of bright :)
Love ya
James
ps you dont need a man or dogs at the moment you just need you :D then after that perhaps a dog and then lastly a man, although be warned we aren't as house trained as dogs :P
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Dear James,
You GOT my point-- exactly. I was beginning to wonder if anyone would understand the importance of it. It is a very crucial issue--- being content with yourself. It is essential to a quality life.
Thank you for your wisdom.my friend. I will remember all your good advice . Love Ami
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Anhedonia.
Man-dogs? My first husband :wink: was a yellow Lab. Most extraordinary and sweetest companionship I've ever known.
I'm looking for a middle aged human Lab, now, and he won't even have to fetch.
Hops
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Hey if men are dogs what are women, cats I suppose :) Makes sense dogs are dirty and cats are clean, right im off to roll around in the mud and then go and chase my favorite squeaky red rubber ball for a bit :D
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When you get back,you can have a treat.