Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: isittoolate on July 25, 2007, 01:15:49 PM

Title: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 25, 2007, 01:15:49 PM: I just *really* looked at the calendar and have less than 2 weeks until my Brother and sister arrive, and I have things to do.

This will be the FIRST that I will try having anyone live in my world, instead of my trying to live in theirs. This is correcting a long overdue error on my part (37 years.)

One does not just become disabled and go back to normal living in the world. Adjustments have to be made on two sides --re family. It was all one-sided, and all the stress and strain has been on me.

Until these last years of freedom and choosing the more comfortable way for me.

Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: motheroffour on July 25, 2007, 01:28:08 PM: Hey Izzy,

How are you, my friend? What is it that you want from your brother and sister? I guess I want to understand more about what it means for them to interact in your world and why they haven't done it for 37 years.

--mof4
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 25, 2007, 01:33:15 PM: perhaps an example will explain?
As you know everyone parks as close to the door as possible. This would happen at family gatherings and when I would drive a distance to arrive, rain or shine, I would sometimes be all the way down the street, bringing me and my food contribution, purse, camera on my lap and crutches (for steps) maybe a block .

Finally Ii suggested to one family member to put a disabled parking sign in the double drive, for one of the spots.

Light bulb moment for all.

Next get together, the garage had an empty space with one car moved out and down the street and I could drive right in, bypassing the steps I would have used at the front.

Somehow though, as time passes, people forget and go back to old habits.

to repeat myself would be to 'complain' rather than suggest.

Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 25, 2007, 01:39:20 PM: oh hi mo4

well I have one sister, an N who says I'm slow. Well it does take longer to get in and out of a car when it's me then the 'chair. I would hurry for her sake, become anxious, feel slow and stupid, instead of her being understanding and allow me to do it the right way with no criticism.

Restaurants will be ones with no steps and accessible washrooms. I am accessible. There will be no mountain climbing on the agenda of 'tours' that I have chosen. They will accept my slowness, and when someone else will be in my car, they must wait until I do what has to be done, before they get into the car.

odds and ends like that!

thanks
Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: motheroffour on July 25, 2007, 01:48:59 PM: Oh Sweet. Stuff in the physical world. I totally understand. It must be hard to have your needs present everyday and have loved ones forget them. Wonder if they try so hard to avoid making you feel different that they become insensitive.

What is making you edgy? Is it that feeling of your needs being invisable and them not being sensitive to it? Are you concerned that they will come to town and hurt you again by not seeing your needs? Or that you will inconvenience them or cause them to slow down for you? Or are you edgy because you are going to venture into the world of making yourself fully present needs and all, and that is new territory after 37 years?
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 25, 2007, 02:17:14 PM: MO4
Quote
and that is new territory after 37 years?

That is the main point. They have never been in this province/town before so I am the tour guide. If they are 'bored: it will be because they would not be able to live the disabled life and enjoy what thay CAN do.

I haven't seen them for 9 years that I've been here, plus a year or two can be added on from back there before I moved.

This will be the first to see me after a 4 year stint with living with an N and all the resulting trauma, which is gone, but how do we know, if there are small changes, how we would be seen by a sibling---in this circumstance?

I will be meeting my own needs. Will they think this is selfish? Think!!!!! Aha. She has to do so-and-so.

Rather redundant, here, but yes, they will have to slow down for me, as I am the 'tour guide, the one to suggest i.e types of food for a restaurant., and they don't know their way around.

They do want to talk, so want to eat out so time is not wasted rattling the pots and pans. (per brother who does the cooking at home)

I told my therapist yesterday that I must prepare for every conceivable situation, one being--Are they going to ask/suggest/tell me to move back so I won't be alone out here in my old age

Two against one!

I am not moving. Case closed!

xx
Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: motheroffour on July 25, 2007, 02:52:12 PM: Ahhh, I understand better why you feel edgy. Well, as far as I can see, you sound prepared for any pressure they may put on you to move. And the rest sounds fun to me. Leading them around your stomping ground. I love it. Hope you have a great time reaquainting! You with them and them with you!
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: pennyplant on July 25, 2007, 06:19:31 PM: Izzy, I will be very interested to hear back AFTER the visit and learn which things turned out as you expected and which things were surprises. Hopefully, surprises in a good way..... but you never know. With me, the vast majority of the things I worry about don't happen. The bad things that do happen, I never would have guessed ahead of time. But I don't have a wheelchair to consider. The other stuff, yes. But not the physical stuff. So, I will be interested to hear how it all goes.

Pennyplant
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on July 25, 2007, 06:29:36 PM: Dear Izzy,

Sometimes I think I'm anxious and worried when what I'm really feeling.. is excitement!

You sound very well organized and I am excited for you :) Looking forward to hearing the outcome... and, of course, any other thoughts you have before their visit.

Since this is their first visit to your territory, I wondered... would you like to be the sort of hostess who says, "Just make yourself at home" and allows them to open the fridge, cupboards, etc.?

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 25, 2007, 09:14:43 PM: mo4, PP and CH

Thank you.

To cover some areas, this is not a family that has sunday dinner together. It is one whereby the 4 remaining sibs, back home, & spouses get together once a YEAR...................now. Time was it wasn't once a year.....all younger.

My eldest sister I haven't seen for about 13 years. We lived about an hour apart, yet I didn't see her in about 4 years before I left. These two coming ? maybe 2 years, therefore 11 years.

I had an adrenaline rush, after I posted earlier today, that was pretty huge and now have a very bad neck from it. WoW!

I am always organized and I don't know how much time we will be at/in my place as it is a 1 br apt. and they have booked a B&B for Sat and Sun night. Pizza was suggested for Sat lunch, since they have to arrive get to B&B and settle in. We'll have lunch here sunday--both dinners will be out!

(I did offer to pick them up at the airport but brother says they will take the shuttle. Should I HMPH? that my offer was not welcomed? Will also take shuttle back to airport on Monday! Well this little airport is not La Guardia or LAX... so HMPH!)

Yes they may open frig and cupboards for the glasses, for beer and wine on order, or snacks.

(To be cont'd August 6, PP)

oh dear 'sigh'
Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Hopalong on July 26, 2007, 12:10:16 AM: Don't try to anticipate everything, Izzz.
Don't try to make things perfect.
Don't try to control what they think...

Just be wonderful you.
Try to have some laughs.
Try not to worry so much about your pace.

Just do what you do.
Keep good peace in your head.

Listen to them talk and be curious about them.
That will take your mind off yourself.

Have a good time, hon. Let it be simple.

love you,
Hops
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: changing on July 26, 2007, 12:40:36 AM: Dearest Izzy-

I too tried to overcompensate for my disabilities. For example, I visited my father in his wretched last months, at great cost to my own physical wellbeing. I tried to take care of him and made things even harder for myself. This was not appreciated, and I need to stop trying to rescue others, and to stop being embarrassed at my limitations. If your physical status is being taken into account by those in your milieu, that's a good development! That being said, even with a disability, you are still a complete and an autonomous being imbued with human dignity, and the mistress of your own fate!

Hugs To You,

Changing
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on July 26, 2007, 03:44:53 AM: Quote from: isittoolate on July 25, 2007, 01:33:15 PM

Next get together, the garage had an empty space with one car moved out and down the street and I could drive right in, bypassing the steps I would have used at the front.

Somehow though, as time passes, people forget and go back to old habits.

to repeat myself would be to 'complain' rather than suggest.

Izzy

::blowing a great big phat raspberry:: Gentle reminders aren't complaining, Izzy. Don't overthink this thing. Stay focused on the pleasure of the visit.

They're coming to see YOU, not be entertained by a professional tour guide.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 26, 2007, 02:20:46 PM: hiya Hops, changing and lighter.

Thank you for your concern

The initial 'shock' at seeing how close it is to their visit is over now and I have calmed down. BUT--I had FEELINGS.

Maybe that was part of the shock.
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/pinkflower.gif)

.....and changing. We ought live within our limitations and not be embarrassed about that. If anyone criticizes--well they have to walk a 'mile in our shoes.'

My mother was in a wheelchair for 13 years before I was injured. So I had 'advance notice' that certain thiings can still be done and look like they are done without a struggle.
...but every disabilty is different. My mother used to drive, but never drove again. I drove again. Depends on the person and the ability .....which handicaps are included with the dsiability.

Yes we are still human and are due the respect of others as much as the completely able-bodied, or the famously diabled, like Christopher Reeve, Rick Hanson etc.

Love

Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on July 30, 2007, 11:51:54 PM: OK..... when are you sibs coming to town and how're you feeling about it now, Izz?
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 31, 2007, 01:28:31 PM: mornin' lighter

4 days and I must be stressed as a few physical ailments began to act up just yesterday--will see how the next few days go, being I'm always out of touch with identifying.

Thanks for asking.
love
Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: CB123 on July 31, 2007, 01:37:44 PM: Iz,

Hang in there. You will be in my thoughts and prayers for the duration.

Much love
CB
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 31, 2007, 02:09:35 PM: Thank you, CB

*scratching rib cage, both sides*
and
*places that wouldn't be pleasant to read about*.

Pains in upper arms, shoulders and neck.
and
this from someone who seldom complains.

Love
Izzy
(EDIT)
Well I might as well milk this one....
eyeballs are itchy..
lower arms to elbow and my anti-itch creams aren't working (soon be sliding outta my chair)...
diazepam's not stopping muscle spasms...(like last night--couldn't have pulled a needle out of my butt cheeks with a team of horses...
so tired today
(might be more a day goes On...
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 04:07:57 PM: Oh no, Izz!

I think you need something besides the diazapam for the muscle spasms. Methacarbamol or something like that?

The itching..... gee, I have no idea what that could be. Something to do with the nerves?

Just in case it's something blooming...... try some benadryl? There's spray too but the pills do a better job for me. The cream seems to be the weakest form.

No doubt your nerves are on edge as the day approaches. Busy yourself with something you can control and try to remember it's gonna be all right, even if it's not all right.

Other suggestions..... nap?

Make an ice cream sunday and enjoy it?

Buy a cute little neti pot and try it then notice how wonderful life is when that's over.... shoooooo! hee

Just kidding, Hops. Sort'a, lol.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on July 31, 2007, 05:54:57 PM: Oh, Izzy... I don't have any cures (except for maybe that cute lil neti pot thingy - lol)

Just had to say, I get the same way and I guess it's for the same reason... ? Being out of touch with identifying... feelings?

Used to be hives, then migraines, and now muscle spasms... like it just keeps morphing. Get "in touch" with one thing and learn how to bring it back in line and it just pops out someplace else.

Recently I had alot of fear about a situation and I knew it was fear... so I spoke of it, wrote of it, got it out (thinking this was a good thing, right? Putting it out there...)
Well, within 30 minutes of spewing it all out into the open, muscles in my back seized up and I spent the next 2 days trying to ease them back into some semblance of relaxation. I just don't get it... like some sort of aftershock. Maybe it's just such a foreign thing to own these feelings and try to dispose of them properly... almost like my body tried to forcibly reject them as some foreign object. Weird.

Heating pad and ibuprofin were all I had... helped, but I would sure like to skip that part of the "in touch-iness" next time!

Feel better. It will all come out just right!

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 06:20:17 PM: Oh Hope and Izz:

The only thing that got my muscle spasms under control, in the heat of the worst of times, was a neuro muscular therapist.

Can you get an appointment Izzy?

Hurts like hell but they work the muscle fibers apart, break them apart with their fingers, and if you go regularly, it helps a lot.

I guess this is where some people buy buhhda beads and learn to meditate?

I haven't been able to do that effectively yet, but I think about it, lol.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on July 31, 2007, 06:29:59 PM: lol Lighter... I dunno about the beads, but I just remembered - Calcium tablets helped alot with night-time leg cramps when I had a siege of those. Wonder if they'd ease up some of this other spazzing? Gonna take one now. What do you think, Izzy?

Where I live, you won't find neuro-muscular therapists listed in the yellow pages... lol. I wish!

Love,
Hope

P.S. Lighter, I do remember the heat of the worst of times... unspeakably awful... just after NPD-ex left... this is not even close to that.
It does get better... so much better. (((((((((Lighter)))))))))
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 06:49:00 PM: Hope:

I've been NC with N for a couple months now. I can't tell you how much that helps.

I still have muscle troubles with neck and back but I can function.

When all this started.... I couldn't breath and sometimes couldn't get up off the bathroom floor bc of back and neck.

I crawled to the car to go get Bio Ice so I could just function till my appt. with NMT.

Very awful and talk about hurting!

I had to force myself to go because he helped me so much one other time, I knew it would at least get better eventually.

The pain was so intense, I dreaded going.

It hurts more when I don't go steady.

If I skip a week.... I start having trouble turning my head to drive then it's all downhill from there,

esp with intense stress and fear.

I think I'm handling things better now.

I hope that remains the case.

I forgot to say that I make sure I take extra good care of myself when I know things are going to get chaotic.

I drink a nutrition drink in the morning and skip coffee.

I down water and make sure I eat protein, fresh fruits and vegetables. Not much bc N takes my appetite away.

Curiouse that my BPD sib makes me starvin an'Marvin y'all, lol!

Izzy.... make sure you're eating extra healthy and take B vitamins for stress.

Be very very kind to yourself.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 31, 2007, 08:56:06 PM: I been out all afternoon:

First, diazepam (generic of Valium) was prescribed for me in Feb. 1970..... 8 months after the accident. It is addictive and is what was being prescribed at the time for Muscle spasms for spinal cord injured patirents.--addiction not yet known.
***********************************************
I took one in the middle of the night and wondered by morning if I had forgotten ALL my meds yesterday. Am fine now re spasms.

I can tell you that I know by afternoon of the day, that I forgot my morning 7½ mg of diazepam. I was busy and didn't clue in, and the itching had really taken over, but that is not news--the spasms were.
*********************************
Nope am fine. After 15 years on Dzpm, a new doctor took me off suddenly and switched me to Baclofen. I was so close to convulsions when I hadn't slept, eaten and did strange things for a whole week and even my face was all spazzed up. When I called my new Dr. he said , "No way! You are having an anxiety attack" and he pawned me off to an Emerg with a psychiatrist., who was very angry that Dr. had done this. Phsy wrote me a prescription (I had been on 10 mg a day then) for 1 week and sleeping pills til I saw Dr.

Dr. was livid that psychiatrist gave me Dzpm back and I started at 2½ and I upped very gradually until I reached a new confort zone of 7½ mg--no Dr. after that EVER denied me that small amount after all these years (37+).

Rashes and shoulder pain are stress, too, but all are gone now.

I was at therapist's, then sibs on Sat/Sun and therapist next Tues. too.

Will see what this whole mess entails.............??

Love and thanks
Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 09:19:01 PM: Oh Izz.... you complain so little and deal with so much.

You're amazing and shame on that doctor who took you off dzpm then wouldn't take responsibility for his actions.

DA!

Itching gone and muscles under control. WHEW! So glad that settled down.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 31, 2007, 09:25:30 PM: Ha! Ya! lighter.

All fine.

When bro said he was coming alone, I don't think I reacted in the negative. It was when sis became an addendum and would be here that I said "DAMN!"

I am striving to be a gracious hostess and have them see my world. I've said it before---and if they are bored, let then wonder about my 38 years of it!

On that note, there is more to say, but I don't have the words yet. I might have them AFTER they leave!

Love
Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 09:54:34 PM: You'll have plenty to say after they're gone.

Just try to wrap your mind around your regular schedule, keeping them aware (read that as heading them/sibs off from doing anything too stupid)

They haven't been real aware so far.

When you bring them into your life you should give them a short synopsis of DO's and DONT'S.

CAN'S and CANT'S.

Let them know what you have to do ahead of time so they can plan around it and not be dissapointed because they thought something else was gonna happen or there would be some choice in the matter.

I think your doing reall well in the "appropriately asserting yourself" department.

Sometimes I think you don't speak up about your needs bc you feel whiney but..... just speaking up does everyone a favor and makes things clear so they don't get murky.

::Sigh::

I'm a bit fuzzy tonight, admittedly.

What does your T say about all this lately?
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 31, 2007, 10:40:23 PM: lighter

Today my therapist told me to look ahead to when they are leaving, then gone and what I will have wanted to happen that didn't....? Meaning do as I have chosen to do to show them my world, and since she knows this area, she liked my choices and accepted my turning down one of her suggestions because I haven't been there.

I do not want to be 'dipping my toe into the water'. They will be doing that! I will KNOW what I am doing! ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''I hope?

Want to take them across the 3 lane bridge that goes in 2 directions, a mess

(http://www.copwt.ca/untitled2.jpg)

and see, from the other side, the new bridge being constructed... so each will have its own way.
(http://www.copwt.ca/untitled.jpg)
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Hopalong on July 31, 2007, 11:20:34 PM: Aww, Izz...

I remember their emails.
They're NICE PEOPLE.

Nice people aren't going to have a bunch of perfectionistic expectations of you...

I hope you can just breathe, be in the present, try to enjoy whatever presents itself...

Go with the flow hon. Concentrate on delight.

love
Hops
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 11:27:02 PM: Izz, I wouldn't want any surprises either.

I'd want to have a plan and be comfortable with every aspect of it.

I like the idea of thinking past the visit to what you would WISH you'd accomplished.

Heh... did that make any sense at all, lol?
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on July 31, 2007, 11:59:40 PM: Thanks hops

and the one and only problem, when I get right down to it, is 'Where is the bathroom?" (Do you ever notice that if you dig at me deeply enough, I do get down to the nitty gritty! I have a 'kind of" wish that everyone knew about ALL the aspects of a disability, and would approach this first, second or third?

....and I was practicing as though I was in a public one, and they are often not as accessible as one would think. I pulled a tendon in my knee when I stood to re-dress--POOPAROONIE! hurts to stand, now, and put chair in car!

and lighter, yes you made sense, as did the therapist-- to have them leave with good thoughts and that I am fine on my own out here--as long as everyone leaves me alone to not pull my tendons!

Ixzzy bum busy
De fourledded fizzy
Tea-legged, toe-legged
Bow-legged

Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Hopalong on August 01, 2007, 12:12:27 AM: [Hops trying to enter Izz's brain and inject it w/ease and peacefulness and a sense of it's okaaaaaaaaaaay to be inconvenient! It's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to be physically complicated! Those things are 1/100000000000th of what Iz is!]

Hi Brother, Hello Sis!
Just got to tell you one thing right away...
I've been really anxious about showing you around until I realized what I was worried about, and how to fix it!
I realized I was worried we'd go touristing around and I might wind up not finding an accessible bathroom!

Then I realized I could put you on the team and between the 3 of us, we'll be sure to find plenty of them.
I know! Schools, universities, and hospitals and movie theaters...accessible everywhere!

So a couple times while we're out we're just gonna detour past a hospital or theater or school so I can wheel on in and take care of business! I'll give you a heads up and then we'll head straight for the plumbing. You can guard the van.

Great, that's settled. Now, are you hungry? What shall we eat?

Izz...
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 01, 2007, 12:23:50 AM: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I felt such ease and peace..............................................

Hops is so good to Izzy.................................................

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................................................

Oh hell! I fell asleep and peed my pants!..............................................
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 01, 2007, 07:57:01 AM: OH! OH! OH! HOPS!

::helping Izzy up out of her puddle::

AND HOTELS! HOTELS have the best bathrooms!
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on August 01, 2007, 08:57:22 AM: Gettin kinda messy in here, eh? :D

You know there's a reason why "Where is the bathroom??" is one of the first phrases learned in any foreign language.

Don't we all kinda keep our eyes peeled for the throneroom whenever we enter a strange place?
Or maybe I'm inconvenient and complicated, too :o
Hmm... slide over there, Izzy... make a space. I'd be on your team, anyday!

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 01, 2007, 02:14:46 PM: I had an interesting time at a Western Bar one night.

a band I knew was playing there. I went to the washroom and there was an accessible one--well ½ accessible. The toilet was straight in the door and the extra space was to the right so you go in the door, get to the space and your wheelchair back is to the toilet. won't work

try to get out and then back into space. got stuck. Door is already locked and I rocked and jumped and tried to roll back and forth and finally broke the lock off the door-- Now I have no privacy.

A woman came in, placed me in the space the direction I wanted and then held the door from the outside.

Accessible means one does not have to go through all this.

We had a few laughs and I had another beer, wrote a note to my singer that my driver's license was good for only 3 beer and left with the bathroom door next to hanging from a hinge!

Izzy

EDIT: I am positive now that I did not take any of my 5 different meds on Monday--all is well now!
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 01, 2007, 02:46:25 PM: Quote from: isittoolate on August 01, 2007, 02:14:46 PM
EDIT: I am positive now that I did not take any of my 5 different meds on Monday--all is well now!

Good Lord Izzy!

How did that happen and which med keeps the itching at bay?
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: NoMoreMindGames on August 01, 2007, 03:13:23 PM: i hope that your siblings slow down a bit and are patient, and thoughtful.

if they're not, just try to love yourself enough to not let yourself feel "slow" or "stupid"....you are the way you are, and they can just deal or not.

also, i firmly believe in karma....if they are not pleasant toward you, i'm sure they'll become handicapped one day and come to know just how you've felt. :D
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 01, 2007, 03:28:13 PM: Lighter

2 prescriptions, Effexor, anti-depressant and Lyrica, for neurological pain BUT also works on GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) Right now I developed an itch in my right underarm. I put masking tape on it until I get ready to freshen up and get the ointments etc.

Now that's done and I ought be okay for the day. Must go to office but I haven't figured what time yet---it's going to be busy with Registrations, yet it's my day to have the Office.

hi NMMG

I will be assertive with them because (as you imply) they have no idea, even though our mother was in a wheelchair too. They are on my turf and have not an inkling where to go for scenery or a meal.

if they are bored with what we do, then they have an idea of what I do--bit I am NOT bored as I know my limitations.

thanks

Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Hopalong on August 01, 2007, 07:32:01 PM: They won't be bored, Izzz....

they are going to enjoy your company, not just your tour guide routine.

xxoo,
Hops
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 01, 2007, 08:41:13 PM: Thanks Hops,

I hope so

After all, i have been through the N experience, and still in therapy which is AFTER I last saw them.

I think I'm the same in most ways---just waiting for them.

Love
Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 01, 2007, 09:27:24 PM: Remember what yo want to accomplish.

Try to think the big conversations through.

Start them on a happy happy note.... sleepy weel fed after dinner and a few drinks.... not too many drinks.

Share feelings but not in a blaming way.

No name calling or biting, lol; )

JK..... have a good time and don't freak out. Be relaxed and remember to count your blesssings and enjoy the little things.

Never mind.... do whatever it was that you were doing, lol.

At ease.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 01, 2007, 10:00:44 PM: I wonder what they'll say about my Christmas Decorations still be up???

TRUE

I put stuff in the laundry basket and hung 2 clean blouses on the bedroom door handle-- looks like I didn't wotk like hell to have it ALL right!

TRUE

am I nuts?
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on August 01, 2007, 10:03:18 PM: Izzy,

Tell 'em you just had a big Christmas in July sale at your place :)

Homes that look lived-in are always the coziest!

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 01, 2007, 10:37:22 PM: Weeeeeel.... just tel'm the Christmas ornaments are all about economy of motion. ::nod::
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 01, 2007, 10:39:52 PM: (http://www.slrkelowna.ca/haha.gif)
You kill me!
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 02, 2007, 06:42:02 PM: okay!

All I have to do is grocery shopping, buying __________________stuff (what is that word for produce etc that goes bad quickly?)plus ingredients for my seafood salad and my pasta salad.

I was going to go today.................................................I didn't

Instead I pulled out a bottle of wine and am drinking it, saying that I can shop tomorrow and do salads as well.

What would you all say about that????
========================================================
My justification is that today is the last day I will have alone.... until they leave on Sunday evening.

I so much value my privacy and solitude, I could be wondering how JUST two days without them will affect me!

and please don't think me wierd. This is real!

Izzy

my foot

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Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 02, 2007, 06:46:31 PM: Izzz.... what's the matter with your foot, hon?

And... I so understand solitude and the need for it.

Good call... enjoy it and charge your batteries.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on August 02, 2007, 06:48:26 PM: __________ perishables?

I say, enjoy it while you can!

You are not weird. Peculiar, maybe... definitely not weird.

Izzy, is that your foot now, at this very moment?

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 02, 2007, 07:06:48 PM: Ya, my foot. I sent that picture to my daughter and she freaked about diabetes.

I took that a bit back, and it still looks the same--so awful, eh?...............................well when I sit in my regular sitting position, my feet are on "my floor" as are yours.

Blood circulates round and round, but for me I have very poor cirulation re my legs and feet.

They are normal in the morning when I've spent quite a number of hours horizontal. By about 2:00 in the p.m. my foot is like this--all the blood there and not in my brain?????? HAW! HAW!

perishables-----THANK YOU...............CH

Again this is my foot at this very moment but it is always this way by afternoons.

Just thought I'd get a REACTION! ( AND perishables)

I think I am just thinking about how little my bro and sis know about me, and if I showed them my foot in the afternoon, they would freak right out!

you two didn't

CYA

(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/fairy.jpg)

Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 02, 2007, 07:10:07 PM: Not peculiar Hope

ECCENTRIC
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on August 02, 2007, 07:13:31 PM: Well, I guess eccentric is better than idiosyncratic... I think... maybe...

But hey, your perishables won't perish :)

(((((((((Izzy)))))))) not freaked by the foot.

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: debkor on August 02, 2007, 07:22:54 PM: Hey Iz,

I would have to say the bottle of wine today and shopping tommorrow, salads, pasta, more wine WORKS FOR ME!!

Deb
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 02, 2007, 07:49:12 PM: Heh Ha! Hee! Deb

It's gonna have to work for me, as tomorrow IS the only day left for preparations...................

I like my wine day!! Works for me too!! I'm beginning to think Sat and Sun will be a chore, but then I argue with myself that it isn't.....................that it is just something new after 9-11 years.

Heven't seen the whole gang since this brother's son was married!.............. and cannot remember the year--think that was 10 years ago.

Iz
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 02, 2007, 08:16:00 PM: I didn't know you had diabetes (((Izzy)))
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 02, 2007, 08:38:57 PM: i don't have diabetes. Daughter just said that as she didn't know about the colour of my soles (soul) by midafternoon

She just sent it for an answer. My soles are black and red by afternoon. Where is my blood? In my feet!!

Just showing people some interesting things.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on August 02, 2007, 08:48:41 PM: Interesting things are good.

I am bored and it's too hot to play outside.

(in touch with the inner child, yanno)

Surrounded by dawgs over here... 1 large and 2 small.

They're chewing on rawhide bones and makin them look mighty tasty.

More iced tea for me... used to like burgundy and oh... I remember the sangria days 8)
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 02, 2007, 09:48:52 PM: I spend very little time out in the heat. I go from home to my a/c'd car then to an /ac'd store and back home to my a/c'd apt.

This weekend will be more time out in the heat.

I have both feet broken, no pictures, 8 toes broken, right shin bone & right ankle broken (same time,) right ankle fracured after, left ankle and one leg bone near it broken, --that's fun and different!!---bones turned brittle with this lack of circulation.

Sometimes I type too fast and if I don't check I don't lmpe )og goodness, KNOW --hi the rong keys there) what I have typed

I love good mystery books and trying to solve the crimes so often hit the sack early to read.

SAw gue3st's last post-- a bit irate, i would say

Iz
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 02, 2007, 09:55:55 PM: Ahhh Izzy.....

It made me smile to picture you tipsey....

and heading to bed to snug into a good mystery.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on August 02, 2007, 10:13:04 PM: Izzy,

A hat... with a built in fan.

Or they make these head wrap thingies you refrigerate and keeps your noggin cooled.

Ice in your socks to cool the toes?

Hugs

Hope

P.S. I like mysteries too... in books and on tv, sometimes. Not real life ones.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 02, 2007, 10:18:37 PM: Ice in my sox would cause spasms and I would have to O-D on Diazepam!

My head will buzz enough without a fan in my hat!

What hat?
I don't wear a hat!!!

You want my hair to not look perfectly coiffed?

After 2 elderly sibs riding horses for a week, they are going to have to take turns with my spare 'chair. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on August 02, 2007, 10:22:54 PM: LOL... okay, I'm fresh outta suggestions over here, but I must say - you DO sound relaxed :D

Don't forget your cool dudette shades! 8)
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 02, 2007, 11:07:11 PM: Never!

am playing Freefall right now! I love games that make be have to THINK!
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 02, 2007, 11:13:17 PM: I wonder how your next T session would go if you brought lunch.... and a bottle of wine?
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: CB123 on August 03, 2007, 12:02:25 AM: Iz,

Do they arrive tomorrow? Hang in there and don't anticipate too much. Just roll with what happens...

I've got a huge assignment tomorrow so I won't be around much--but I'll try to check in and give you an "atta girl" before they arrive. You can do it, Iz!

Love
CB
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Hopalong on August 03, 2007, 12:09:59 AM: I say (harrrummmppph)...Izz, there is nothing freaky or ugly about you or your body whatsoever. You are as beautiful and whole and wonderfully mysteriously made as (insert name of favorite athlete). And that's the way it is, and that's the way it would be if you were just a head on a cushion. So there.

Vegetables.

Hops
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 04, 2007, 12:06:28 AM: Thank you hops,

I used to ask people if they knew my Grandson'r favourite vegetable.

They didn't.

I said, "Me!"

So I'm closing off tonight, to bed to read my mystery novel and the "kids" come (they are younger than I, but still over 60)

A 2 day break . Remember that! No wondering if they killed me, or abducted me back to Ontario. No wondering if I killed them and was arrested!

Whoopity-do
Izzy

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Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: teartracks on August 04, 2007, 12:45:08 AM: (((((((((((((Iz)))))))))))))

Can't wait for the next installment!

Love,
tt
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: axa on August 04, 2007, 10:01:15 AM: Izzy,

Wishing you a gentle time over this visit. All I can recommend is to observe yourself and your feelings and see how that goes.

xxxx

axa
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 04, 2007, 02:15:56 PM: Quote from: isittoolate on August 04, 2007, 12:06:28 AM

A 2 day break . Remember that! No wondering if they killed me, or abducted me back to Ontario. No wondering if I killed them and was arrested!

Whoopity-do
Izzy

Whew! I would have been so worried, lol.
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 06, 2007, 02:31:40 AM: Hi to all
Boy am i ready for bed!
Izzy
====================
I think you have to read it all to get the impact of me and my 2 younger siblings, ages 65 and 67
============================================
I was up early Sat. (7:30) --then waiting, and was sleeping at my computer desk when my brother, and sister, called at 11:00. They had arrived and were at my old address where I lived with the N.!!! laff laff.

He stayed on the phone as I guided him here, and that is not far from the N.
I went down to meet them at the door and we hugged and kissed and TALKED, came up to my apt. they thought it looked great and we TALKED. I wanted to have lunch and my salads but we TALKED.

I finally said that we were taking a walking tour, as they were now living in MY world, which took explaining for them to understand, which they did and we went to The Grateful Fed for lunch and we TALKED.

BTW. They looked no older than when I last saw them, as they said to me. 9-11 years ago.

I showed them every business establishment in this small 2-block area, that made it so handy for what I do and they now understood, then on to the Japanese Gardens, the Library, then the Yacht Club that began our lakeside tour and a stop for ice cream. and we TALKED.

Many things to point out along the way, and the Grande Finale that I knew my brother would love was, in the Wetlands at the end of the lakeside walk was an Osprey’s nest. He took a million pictures. There were 3 birds: Momma, Poppa, and baby I expect and I was so surprised, and we TALKED. The pic in here is empty of birds. It is from the city’s album.
We came back home and had my salads etc for dinner, as our lunch was pretty heavy. They loved my salads. They were happy that I had beer and wine for them. We TALKED.

Their horseback riding stories were great, as they were the only novices in the Group.
Bro had to saddle sis’s horse and boost her up, as she is short. Once she wasn’t prepared and he flipped her so she fell flat on her back. She came here covered with bruises, and he came here with a beard I’ve never seen before. They still look young, as do I, and we TALKED.

They didn’t interfere with my way of life, as I has made that clear and I called the next day to tell them when to come and we TALKED. We finished off the salads for lunch and then was a car ride tour. I showed them how close the Office was to me then we went up Knox Mountain, MY mountain. I can see it out my balcony window. Then to the scene of the Forest Fires that devastated Kelowna a couple of summers back, then to Layercake Mountain, and we TALKED.

Finally----------------------Finally when my car is ready to have a heart attack—we came back here, as we forgot water bottles, and we TALKED. Do you know this was when I finally got ME into the conversation?
My sister , who was privy to my depressed crying spell in 1993, was flabberghasted when I told her I have never cried since (This was re my daugher.)

I told them about Therapy and what my problems were. (Meanwhile they had seen me as just the same as before, but then I had been traumatized before, and by them.) I recounted tales I knew they would not remember, as they are both younger and had no hand in certain things except to be egged into it by my N sister, next older than I.

I mentioned all the traumas and I told my brother I knew I loved him, from past memories and what was in my mind, but my heart is not working. I told him he was special to me as he shared 2 secrets with me when he was younger and I felt so close to him [[[[ I was very disappointed to learn that those two secrets were known by sis—and I thought I had kept them. Had been special, for him all these years.]]]] I had that 'closeness" with him to remember, for oh so many years, and it wasn't mine to hold close.

I ended the day, before they left for the B&B, after we went for Chinese Food for dinner, by saying, ”You can see now why I will never be back to Ontario” (Canada) I said I would not be there for anyone’s funeral. I would send a proper bouquet and a card, but that would be all, and no one would know when I died, until my daughter received a Death Certificate in the mail.
I cut off suddenly here as this is long, but it was an important visit for me and am anxious to share some intricate details with my therapist.

My brother asked me to please email him, in a week or two, when I've thought about it all, and tell him really!!!! what this visit meant to me.

End of this unless someone has a question, as I'm not into long posts.

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Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: teartracks on August 06, 2007, 02:39:28 AM: Iz,

You're back! Missed you.

tt
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 06, 2007, 03:54:48 AM: Thanks tt
Izzy
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: lighter on August 06, 2007, 11:14:27 AM: So glad to hear from you....

it sounds like it was a wonderful visit: )
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on August 06, 2007, 11:24:19 AM: Welcome back, Izzy... been thinking of you alot and regularly!

I think it may take a good while to sift through all the recent events... and I hope you'll relish the sifting
(((((((Izzy))))))) Missed you.

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Hopalong on August 06, 2007, 07:01:25 PM: Izz, you introvert, you must be absolutely DRAINED! :lol:

I am so glad it went so very very well.

C'mon back when you're ready to TALK some more.

love
Hops
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 07, 2007, 02:04:42 PM: Thank you, lighter, Hope and Hops for stopping in.
Hello all again

Not only was this past weekend a rousing success, in that I know my sister an brother love me, with my brother asking me to write him in 2 weeks to tell him how I felt about the weekend, we had a great time in My world and they were not bored. I don’t think I spent a penny and my salad lasted for 2 meals.

Then by some odd coincidence, my grandson, almost 21, called me this morning and we talked for an hour.
He wanted my brother’s phone number re taking about joining the police force, and to tell me that the book was out regarding his adventure in the North Atlantic. He will be sending me an autographed copy.

I feel a little in ‘no-man’s land', as all is surreal., and no current complaints.
Izzy
======================================
The Book: The nephew is my grandson.
========================
It was a story that made headlines: In 2004, Canadian Thomas Evensen perished in the North Atlantic in the arms of his nephew after a failed attempt to sail to Norway. It was a tragic death and one that left many unanswered questions: Why wasn’t he wearing the survival suit that could have saved his life? And why would an inexperienced sailor undertake such a dangerous voyage?

In this deeply compelling story, journalist John Chipman retraces Thomas’s voyage from its beginnings—his boyhood dream of learning to sail with his father and his midlife decision to fulfill that dream with his own son, culminating in the purchase of a sailboat ill-equipped for the journey. And then there is the voyage itself, a heart-stopping and ultimately doomed endeavour. Skillfully interweaving conversations with those whose lives were touched by Thomas, as well as his nephew’s first-hand account of the boat’s final days, John Chipman tells a story that is both harrowing and heartbreaking.

A page-turning saga from beginning to end, The Obsession is an incisive and memorable portrait of a fatal voyage and of an ordinary man with an extraordinary, and extraordinarily misguided, dream.

Edit:--and today I see myTherapist

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Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Hopalong on August 07, 2007, 06:50:21 PM: Oh that poor kid.
To have his father die in his arms in the middle of the ocean, alone. :(

I am very glad he called you, Izz...things are better than you thought with family!

(I like your brother, too.)

:)
Hops
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 07, 2007, 08:05:59 PM: Hiya Hops

That was my grandson who held on to his dead UNCLE for 1½-2 hours before Iceland Rescue found him in the icy waters, knowing that if he died, they would sink and never be found. He held onto his uncle so there would be a body for closure with Tom's family.

Tom is a brother of Gus, my N ex son-in-law, who okayed his son, my grandson, to take that ill-fated journey at age 17.

All is well with Wes and Ruth and yes, Wes is a good man, a very good man. No one can prove differently.

I am still in a bit of a surreal state and the Therapist thinks it is because I miss the 2 "kids". I don't know yet. I value my solitude and have the prospect of another Website to build and life goes on........................................................................and on and on and on..........................................................................................and on.

Hugs
Izzy
http://www.penguin.ca/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9780670065011,00.html (http://www.penguin.ca/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9780670065011,00.html)
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Hopalong on August 07, 2007, 10:31:54 PM: That must have been the watershed moment of your nephew's life, Izz.
Tagic and inspiring at the same time. What courage that boy had.

I can't imagine how this affected him, but I would like to read the book.

Breathe deep, Izz. This won't be the last time you spend with family.
You're not alone after all.

love to you,
Hops
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 07, 2007, 10:39:15 PM: Quote
That must have been the watershed moment of your nephew's life, Izz.

Not nephew, GRANDSON.

I really hope he thinks of that and doesn't become an N like his father.

He is the little guy I looked after for his first 4½ years and he loved me "more than the whole wide world'......................and his 2 yr old sister 'more than Cheerios!'
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: Certain Hope on August 07, 2007, 11:03:37 PM: Dear Izzy,

Maybe that surreal sensation is... bliss :)

That's a sad story for a young man of your grandson's age to live and then to write... I hope that it's helped him to record it in a book.

If you don't mind, I'll pm you tomorrow re: my avatar issue and those little wiggly gif's that always slip away?

Thank you, Izzy

Love,
Hope

P.S. to Hops... Is Izzy makin ya dizzy over there, woman? :) You seem to be suffering from relational-obtusity :wink: Love, Hope
Title: Re: Now I remember why I'm edgy--
Post by: isittoolate on August 08, 2007, 12:20:21 AM: Hiya Hope

What is surreal anyway? There is a definition, as in dreamlike, but what is that dream state--one of good or bad.

Would this mean I missed the "kids" (65 and 67) when they left, or was happy to have my solitude again, knowing they loved me.

Therapist thinks I miss them.

Trouble is, I don't feel, so I don't know. Everything is in my head.

The fun weekend and my preparation for it cannot go on every weekend or every month, so...................................

There are 2 more sisters , 70 and 72, and we really have nothing much in common--we would never have fun like this past weekend.

Talk to you later. PM about images if you want--keep it all together?

Love
Izzy