Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on July 26, 2007, 10:11:40 AM

Title: About Lighter
Post by: Lupita on July 26, 2007, 10:11:40 AM: Everybody has helped me here, there is not one post that has not been of help.
It seems that Lighter is going through a very hard time right now. We need to offer opinion, advice, encouragement, and cheering up to Lighter who is always helping everybody, and this is the first time I see her pain.
We have to have something to say that might help her.
God bless you all.
Lupita.... (long rant warning stop reading at the point your eyes cross, lol)

from the very bottom of my heart......

as painful as being along is at first.....

being alone is exactly what will change your life.

You will find that you are enough.

You are strong and capable and worthy.

That your skin fits and is really quite comfy.

You'll look around and realize that you are the lucky one.

The mean people are not lucky.... and yes they suck, but that's besides the point.

They are not worthy of your company.

How lucky they were to have you working hard at involving them in your life from a position of need and fear.

They used your need and fear to KEEP YOU feeling weak and needy.... dependant on their crumbs.

Crumbs aren't good enough and now you know.

Now you'll experience your own company and take comfort in it.

It will become refuge instead of lonely panicked prison.

I have been where you are.

The mistake I made was feeling stronger and neglecting to be mindful of all the lessons I learned.

It started with compromise, then went downhill from there.

I will be more careful with myself this time.

I will approach relationships from a place of want. Not need.

I hope you learn from my lessons and commit to solid boundaries without allowing others to talk you out of defending them, as I have done.

I knew better Lupita and still I failed.

::changing gears.... getting upbeat::

Time to erect healthy boundaries, Lupita.

It'll be OK.

You're doing it for the first time.

I'm doing it for the second time.

There may be hiccups along the way but......

I hope you can honor yourself enough.....

to enforce those boundaries like a very alert mama.....

tiger guarding her cub.

Calm and capable.

She knows she can defend that cub.

She doesn't need to stand up and be loud about it.

She can flick her tail and look a challenger in the eye.....

and give them enough information for to know that they won't be poaching her cub today.

Then she's free to go back to enjoyng her life.

She doesn't experience upset the rest of day over the outragouse nerve of a flea or hyena pretending to have good intentions for her or her cub.

And isn't she the lucky one!

Strong and in control and capable and the predators KNOW this just from the way she carries herself.....

just from the look in her eye.

They know.

They go and choose someone else to test.

Ahhhhhh...... I am on a roll and I can't shut up, lol!

Sorry this is so long guys..... but it's been on my mind a lot lately.

I can't afford to have hyenas poaching me or my cubs.

My boundaries are what will keep us safe.

Lighter saying for the day..... "there is no try, only do" Is that right? The Jehdi master, Yoda said something similar, lol.

I have a particularly challenging challenge before me at this time.

I am absolutely committed to standing my ground.

No more fear guiding me.

No more worry about tomorrow.

I can't negotiate with my N.

I have no hope of his honoring any agreement he strikes.

So I won't bother (read that as spend money) to negotiate with him.

If it's war, and it is.... then take me to battle and I'll fight standing without fear of the outcome.

If I fall, then he falls too.

I won't be left lying in the dirt bloody and in debt up to my eyeballs with legal fees while he gloats and dances around all happy that he manipulated me and the system into allowing him to get away with murder.

I won't be left with a Judgement I can't collect or enforce while he's soppin up sun with various and assorted women on a beach while I struggle to raise children alone, hounded by collection agencies.

I simply reject that choice, though my attorney and family would have me choose it.

They don't understand that a reasonable offer from an N is reason for your gaurd to come up. Bring out the big guns (figurative) if they come bearing gifts or make a promise.

I don't want flowers or promises.

I don't..... ahhhh ya.... I realize I'm still ranting but it MUST COME OUT...... want to go to war either but he's counting on my gentle nature to choose the path of least resistance and (figurative) blood shed.

He's wrong this time. He's been right every other time he's pushed me over the line.

I let him push me.

Why would I stop now?
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Lupita on July 26, 2007, 10:13:27 AM: My boundaries are what will keep us safe.

Lighter saying for the day..... "there is no try, only do" Is that right? The Jehdi master, Yoda said something similar, lol.

I have a particularly challenging challenge before me at this time.

I am absolutely committed to standing my ground.

No more fear guiding me.

No more worry about tomorrow.

I can't negotiate with my N.

I have no hope of his honoring any agreement he strikes.

So I won't bother (read that as spend money) to negotiate with him.

If it's war, and it is.... then take me to battle and I'll fight standing without fear of the outcome.

If I fall, then he falls too.

I won't be left lying in the dirt bloody and in debt up to my eyeballs with legal fees while he gloats and dances around all happy that he manipulated me and the system into allowing him to get away with murder.

I won't be left with a Judgement I can't collect or enforce while he's soppin up sun with various and assorted women on a beach while I struggle to raise children alone, hounded by collection agencies.

I simply reject that choice, though my attorney and family would have me choose it.

They don't understand that a reasonable offer from an N is reason for your gaurd to come up. Bring out the big guns (figurative) if they come bearing gifts or make a promise.

I don't want flowers or promises.

I don't..... ahhhh ya.... I realize I'm still ranting but it MUST COME OUT...... want to go to war either but he's counting on my gentle nature to choose the path of least resistance and (figurative) blood shed.

He's wrong this time. He's been right every other time he's pushed me over the line.

I let him push me.

Why would I stop now?

He certainly won't.

I'm the beach donkey (love that Axa) and he's the Master of the universe.

Let's see what happens when the beach donkey takes up a flame thrower and faces the master?

I don't laugh when I say that.

I'm deadly seriouse and I'm truly interested in what happens between a deadly committed beach donkey and deadly committed MOU who's never backed down..... ever.

Simply lied and manipulated, cheated and schemed his way through life without any shame.

LAUGHING about things he's done, that would break you or me with shame, had we committed the same act.

No care as to how the world really views him, though he'd be delighted if he could be viewed as the victim.

He's carefully been cultivating that image of himself and his camp certainly indulge that fantasy, though they know in their hearts that it's not true. What the hell is that, anyway? (Rhetorical)

If you've read this far I thank you for that. I don't need any comments or atta girls on this one. I just needed to put this out there into the ether and let it breath.

::Sigh::

It's gonna be OK.

btw.... Lupita..... I'd like to be in your book club; )
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Ami on July 26, 2007, 10:21:09 AM: Forgive for being dense. I am not too 'with it" today ,either. I really don't understand this thread. I would like to be first in line to help Lighter. She gives all her heart ,caring and love to her posts. She tries to touch each person in a heartfelt and honest way. I so, so appreciate her. I REALLY mossed her when she was gone.
Lighter-you are a wonderful presence on this board.. How can I help? Love Ami
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: motheroffour on July 26, 2007, 10:31:08 AM: I am feeling at a loss as well. What is going on with Lighter ? My support is here. Feel like Ami just typed exactly what I was about write myself. Lighter, you are such a strength. What do you need?

--mof4
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Lupita on July 26, 2007, 11:09:41 AM: divorce, bad lawyers, she feels lonely in a battle against her N husband.
CB gave her validation in the other thread.
CB understood.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: bigalspal on July 26, 2007, 11:15:42 AM: I'm not sure what's going on with Lighter, but she has my sympathy!
And my love & support.
Love,
Bigalspal
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Certain Hope on July 26, 2007, 11:21:17 AM: (((((((((Lighter))))))))) ((((((((((Lupita))))))))))

I am out of the loop, but offering hugs and prayers for you both.

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: bigalspal on July 26, 2007, 11:27:19 AM: Hi Lupita,
I'm not sure which thread you are talking about.
But if it's about divorce, I know that can be so rough!

Lighter--
I'm so sorry. I'm assuming you x is an N.
That just makes it so much worse.
And if he has a shark for an attorney, well... that's even worse!
Lighter, you have always been very nice to me.
I appreciate it!
So, I'm here for you.
Just tell me how, & I'll do it.
Love,
Bigalspal
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Hopalong on July 26, 2007, 11:37:11 AM: That's kind of you, Lupita, and you're spot-on about our Lighter Tiger!

Lighter,
Here's one light, shining beside yours...we'll all aim our lights together and help you keep on your path. I'm glad you're going to coolly, determinedly, total-backbonedly, fight for what is rightfully yours.

He has a surprise coming, it sounds like.

I was thinking on CB's thread, and yours, how it might be nice for lawyers to receive a little printout about N's external "reasonableness" and the real script that's playing inside them. Could save a lot of time...

hugs all,
Hops
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 26, 2007, 11:50:08 AM: Quote from: Hopalong on July 26, 2007, 11:37:11 AM

I was thinking on CB's thread, and yours, how it might be nice for lawyers to receive a little printout about N's external "reasonableness" and the real script that's playing inside them. Could save a lot of time...

hugs all,
Hops

Hops, If you have a good link, I'd appreciate seeing it.

I don't know where exactly I'd find something that said that succinctly and clearly.

Thanks, if it's not too much trouble: )
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: tayana on July 26, 2007, 12:10:37 PM: Lighter,

I'm not sure what's going on with you because I'm behind on reading the threads, but here's a hug and a sympathetic ear if you need it. You're always there to be a voice of reason and hope, and I appreciate that so much.

Thanks for all you do. (((((hugs))))))
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: mudpuppy on July 26, 2007, 12:11:05 PM: Hi lighter,

Don't know if this is useful but I have always found this gal at the provided link to be extremely perceptive and able to put things in straightforward language even a lawyer can understand. :P And she has a bunch of fairly short essays that you could pick and choose from or splice together the most useful parts.

http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/npd_site_content.htm (http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/npd_site_content.htm)

mud
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: changing on July 26, 2007, 12:12:54 PM: Precious Lighter-

Thank you for your help and support when I was so alone and ashamed, in pain. I will continue to pray for you and your circumstances. You are loved and appreciated, and your many fans will support you now, and rejoice with you when you vanquish your vile enemy!

Hugs, Changing
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Lupita on July 26, 2007, 12:36:20 PM: Because some are saying they do not understand what is going on, I am copying and pasting CB and CH postings from the other thread.

This is from CB
Lighter,

Been there (still am). For the past year, I have been trying to convince someone--anyone--to believe me that my NH is not in this for the reasonableness of it. He will make a shambles of every "agreement" and try to make everything hopelessly convoluted and impossible to decipher. He is the master of confusion and he is trying to spread a thick layer of it over everything in this divorce.

No one has believed me. I had the same lawyer for six months--he never did believe me. I switched lawyers and I had to start all over. Yesterday, he got it. He said: I understand what you have been trying to tell me. No more messing with this joker. We are going to the wall. It's over.

I cried. Finally.

The first step, Lighter, is for you to finally believe it yourself. The only way this is going to end half-way well is for you to be just as in-your-face as he is. It went against everything I am--I am the supreme pacifist, turn-the-other-cheek, believe the best about someone--but I had to get over that. They have absolutely no internal controls. You could give them everything they want, and they will decide they didnt ask for enough. Ask me how I know.

Stand firm, Lighter. Chin out. Dukes up.

This is from CH
This is the truth...
There is no pacifying N.
There is no "letting N off the hook" in order to simplify matters and expedite closure.
There is no ending it cleanly, neatly, concisely, or reasonably. None.

But I never did put up my dukes... I refused to give him the satisfaction.
What I did was - "show up"... the last thing he expected. He fully expected to wear me down, but I just kept showing up.
Hearing after hearing, I was there... at times, only to find out that he failed to make an appearance >> rescheduled>> more agony...
and yet I kept showing up.

Remember, N's lawyer is presenting agreements, settlements, compromises, and resolutions... assuming that any reasonable person would want this done.
N's lawyer doesn't get it either. This one didn't until it came to the point where he would have to perjure himself in order to continue defending his client.
Then he resigned >> more rescheduling, more hearings, more NoNseNse.

Just keep showing up.
(((((()))))))

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Lupita on July 26, 2007, 12:42:24 PM: When I went through that, I just decided that I did not want to fight. I knew that my ex husband was very selfish and he would like to save money. So I told him, if you do not ask for vacation with my son, I will not ask for child support. I took the burden of raising my son alone, working double to support my self and my son, with out any help, with an N mother, but I paid. Now my son loves me and I prevented from him to spend vacation with a damaging father. His father was very bad to him and would have loved to damage him more just to hurt me. So I protected my son and did not have to spend money in lawyers. My son asks me why I separated him from his father, and I say would you have liked that I left you there? He said no. I could not let him go on vacation for very good reasons. Not vain reasons, not woman reasons, but very very important reasons that I am not going to talk about in this board. But God knows I was protecting my son.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Lupita on July 26, 2007, 12:44:14 PM: I have friends that have boyfriends and have a very amusing life but their children are in drugs, I devoted my life to my son and it paid, I do not regret any single moment I rejected

I did not want a stranger in my house to make my son feel uncomfortable and feel that this was not his home anymore.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Ami on July 26, 2007, 01:36:08 PM: It seems that the really hard part is that no one except for you gets it. This mirrors life where people do not GET what the N is about. I am so, so very sorry,Lighter.(((((((((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Lupita on July 26, 2007, 01:58:51 PM: Remember that Ns behave in an adorable way with people in general and in a dispicable way with thier victims. What they do to the victims, nobody knows, they always do it in private, nobody sees what is going on. That is why nobody believes you when you tell how bad is the person. My ex husband was adorable with everybody else but me. My mother is a very nice person except with me. Nobody believes you.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: isittoolate on July 26, 2007, 02:00:13 PM: Dear Lighter,

You have been so good to me and now I am thinking of you ALL day and hoping all is turning your way for a change!!!

Love
Izzy
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/pink_flower.gif)
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Hopalong on July 26, 2007, 02:15:57 PM: Hey Lighter...
Sorry, don't have one to hand. (But I notice there are 9 new answers since I checked here, so hopefully somebody did!).

Hops
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: debkor on July 26, 2007, 04:18:21 PM: Lighter,

I am sorry. I should have said something before. I do see that you are very frightenend. I hear you saying you are afraid.
You cannot walk out of a store without thinking that your X may have sent a Hit Man. Am I correct?

You are fearfull in your own home and are prepared for a house break in by X or X's men. You are thinking of self protection and even act out in your head how you will protect yourself and your children.

You worry about being shot through a window. You don't sleep well because you are the only one on guard.
You have no peace even in your sleep.

YOU CANNOT SEE What is coming SO YOUR EYES ARE EVERWHERE. Your mind is always on Guard!!

You wish he would forget you and find someone else. You wish a lighting bolt would come out of the sky and take him out.

You wish he would be arrested and placed behind bars.

He thinks of you and your children as Material things that belong to him.

Are you afraid that if he don't have you NOBODY ELSE WILL?

Are you afraid that he will COME THROUGH with his threats?

You say you are calling his bluff. Now the cards are on the table, Yet you can't see his cards.

You live in Fear. Fear of the unknown. Not just the normal fear of money, stresses but fear for your life?

AND you can't see him coming. Don't know where he's at. Don't know who's with him. Don't know anything except you want peace and safety.

Yet you will not run. You will not hide. You will fight.

Am I correct? Please tell me if I am off track here. I really want to be.

If I am correct. I know Light, I know.

I have lived like this myself. I was not feeling safe until mine went to jail.

He has been out for 5 years now. No contact but every now and then the dreams, the fear comes back and I still look over my shoulder.

How can we help you.

Deb
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Ami on July 26, 2007, 04:25:56 PM: Dear Lighter,
I am thinking about you,today, and hoping to hear from you . I would like to help in any way that I can,Friend . Love Ami
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: debkor on July 26, 2007, 04:48:51 PM: Light,

I am really sorry that I did not acknowledge this to you before. I did read and feel everything you wrote. I have been there I know what it feels like. I'm sorry I just left you out there. I have been left out there too. I talked and people listened but never quite got the whole big picture because they were too afraid to step into my shoes on this one.

They couldn't. The shoes didn't fit them. But I have had them on and I know what you feel.

I hear you Light.

Deb
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Sela on July 26, 2007, 07:08:49 PM: Thinking of you Lighter and sending you good thoughts and vibes and prayers.

((((((((Lighter)))))))

Sela
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: WRITE on July 26, 2007, 07:14:23 PM: I heard from Lighter this morning, she was doing okay.

She's very private about some of her difficulties. I think a lot of people are during divorce, not wanting to put anything publically 'out there' to cause more problems.

~W
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Certain Hope on July 26, 2007, 07:21:37 PM: Thank you, Write.

Sounds like wisdom to me.

Prayers continue.

Love,
Hope

((((((((Lighter)))))))))
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Ami on July 26, 2007, 10:53:12 PM: I am glad that you heard from her ,WRITE. I am praying for her safety and sanity through this ordeal .
Love Ami
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 27, 2007, 09:54:05 AM: (((Lupita))))

You are so special in my heart. Thanks for comforting me.

I'm Ok, but I'm in a very offensive position.... driven there by N.

I have some legal clarity and I'm feeling good about it, as good as one can feel in a divorce with children involved.

The up side is...... I won't allow myself (read that as assist) N to push me around like he's been doing, unchecked.

The down side is...... I'm beyond the point of posting about anything to do with staying with N's.

::Shaking head:: Just can't stomach it.

I suppose this is a board announcement that I won't be posting in that arena any more and if I snap a bit, it's not about anyone here.... it's about me and the position I'm in now.

I feel like I'm coming off a high altitude climb up a mountain road...... and peeking over the top, finally.

I didn't know exactly what I'd see.....

but it was just more road, not a sheer drop with lions driving me over the edge! ::Whew!::

The lion's still back there but I've begun rolling down the hill, so much better than remaining static.

My wheels are a bit squeeky and slow...... lopsided even in this imperfect legal system but......

At least I'm moving

and I realize I'm in a war chariot,

and I'm ready to do battle.

My stomach thrills just a little bit at the unfamiliar movement..... like being on a horse for the first time, lol. I can hear the clop clop of horses hooves, smell the leather harnesses and enjoy the unfamiliar sound of all this offensive gear beginning to roll.

(you should see my attorney's eyesy light up, like a little kid at Christmas, as he contemplates all the evidence displayed before him, against N) Smacking his lips and picturing the Judge's/Juror's reaction to this documented horror show, that's been my life. ::Sigh:: Something to be said for good documentation, Ladies. ::nod::

It's exhiliarating and sad (for my children's sake) but I'm focused like I've never been focused in my life.

A growing experience beyond all the rest, and I've had some intense growth experiences in the past 10 years.

Intense: /

HERE I GO, lol!

I've never committed myself to fighting back before. Not like this. I've always gone belly up and allowed it before breaking contact and moving on.

I can't break contact this time.

Believe me, I wish I could: /

Thanks to everybody who's posted support. I'm just getting back to the board and catching up: )

Your attention is appreciated so much.

Thanks again (((Lupita)))
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Sela on July 27, 2007, 10:11:20 AM: Dear Lighter,

You are an inspiration to all who must face the same battle!

Keep going!

You're doing great, even if it's the hardest thing you've ever done (and I bet it's close)!

The picture you paint with your words about the mountain, the horses, the thrills, the disappointments, fears, etc.....is very clear and focussed! Go girl!!

This will end!

You will fight this fight and do your best and come out kicking and waving your fist and it won't be in vain!!

Every time a person exposes the horrors they've endured in a court room, llike you're doing, it helps those who are yet to visit that court room. It opens the eyes of those with the power to do something about it, be that in hindsight.

What a brave warrior you are, Lighter!!

Just put one foot infront of the other and not only will you finish you're climb but you'll come off that mountain to the cheers of all who have yet to and must still climb it!

Reminds me of a run-away slave. :shock: Don't think about failing or stumbling or getting lost or being caught! Just keep freedom in the front of your head and follow that north star!!

((((((((Lighter)))))))) I'm so proud of you!!

Sela
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 27, 2007, 05:01:05 PM: Quote from: CB123 on July 27, 2007, 10:48:25 AM
Lighter,

I'm with you. You're right, there's something exhilarating about being free from all the what-ifs and doubts. My attorney has the same gleam in his eye. This is not going to be pretty, but any ending at all is going to be a happy ending.

Hang in there, Lighter. We are on our way to the finish line.

CB

CB: How much jerking around has your N been doing, referencing jerking away settlements he's offerend?

How much pressure has been applied to you to spend time and money seriously considering offers you knew would never be honored?

That's one of the things..... that everyone has expectations of both Defendant and Plaintiff. Reasonable behavior and the N is setting you up to look unreasonable all the time. Mine applies pressure and doesn't give an inch unless someone else backs him off of me. I'm trying to change that dynamic.

His behavior has caught up with him this week. We'll see if it continues to. We're back at square one and I'm just happy to be here, quite frankly.

He's using the children to put still more pressure on me.... and I have to be diligent about enforcing safety boundaries for them and myself. The children don't ask to see him anymore but...... it's my hope that they can see enough of him that they feel loved, even if it's only in their heads, and not be too damaged.

He's always pushing and pushing and pushing. Consistent force. Never a moment for me to breath if he can at all help it. I wish I'd have gone to the police in the first place. That was a huge mistake I hope everyone else can learn from.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 27, 2007, 09:31:34 PM: That is soooo frustrating. I don't know that I can allow that to keep going on. I tell people what's going on and we have to do everything the hard way? On my dime? Over and over and over again? I just don't think that has to continue..... or does it?

My N's had a rude awakening this week. I think it just makes him change gears. He doesn't change direction or intent. Very sad when children are involved.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Hopalong on July 27, 2007, 11:54:11 PM: Lighter,
I visualize you...an Amazon charioteer...
these obstacles he's throwing are just clods of mud from the track...nothing will stop you...your horses are fairness, safety and survival for yourself and your children, and you have a TEAM.

I am sickened at the way good women, good mothers, good people like you and CB are manipulated by Nmen and a system slooooow to call their bluff. But I think it's like the tortoise and the hare. He's running around being the dazzling rabbit. Meanwhile, you keep showing up.

I hope there's a chance HE can get stuck with your attorney's fees...if there's justice.

love to you, and much respect,
Hops
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: axa on July 28, 2007, 06:49:33 AM: Lighter,

Have not been posting/reading too much these days but just read this post. I wish you strength and strength and strength. I have always found you to be smart, supportive and clear. I am grateful for that. I want to be supportive to you now in this difficult time.

Wishing you everything good,

axa
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 28, 2007, 08:20:32 AM: Thanks CB, Hops Axa and everyone else who's been posting support for Mrs. Toad's wild chariot ride, lol.

:::Picking up Axa's strength... going to make coffee::
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Ami on July 28, 2007, 09:43:39 AM: Dear Lighter,
I am thinking of you and praying for you. You post when and if it feels right to you. You ,obviously, need to take a break from the board . Maybe, you need to pull your emotional resources inside you.Maybe,it is a drain to your psyche rather than a refreshing , at this point in time.
I will look forward to hearing from you when you are ready Love Ami
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Certain Hope on July 28, 2007, 09:54:45 AM: Dear Lighter,

It is exactly all of N's tail-chasing (referring to his own tail :P) which is going to show the court his real intent.
All of this maddening behavior of his is going to trickle down to the level of the bench to give the judge an eye-opener... and he/she will not be so appreciative of the aNtics.
Never was it more true than in the case of N... give him enough rope and he WILL hang himself.

Praying here that God will be your strength and your shield.

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 28, 2007, 11:41:10 AM: Quote from: Ami on July 28, 2007, 09:43:39 AM
Dear Lighter,

You post when and if it feels right to you.

You ,obviously, need to take a break from the board . Maybe, you need to pull your emotional resources inside you.

Maybe,it is a drain to your psyche rather than a refreshing , at this point in time.
Love Ami

I don't need to pull back from the board, Ami. My children are home and I'm enjoying catching up with them. I'm also preparing for the next phase of my legal battle.

After a stagnant period, where I really relied on the fellowship of this board, I have direction and lots of work to do. Part of this direction came from posting so much ON this board, lol.

This is a good thing but I don't have time to post like that right now.

What I'm pulling back from, are posts that involve remaining in relationships with N's.

You're still a very new poster and you may decide to leave your N.

You may not.

That's logical and perfectly acceptable, no matter how you slice it. ::shrug::

However, from where I sit, it hurts my stomach and makes me feel badly to see you do that so I stop responding rather than post the negative feelings it may bring up for me.

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.

I don't want to transfer my agression to you, or anyone else in your very serious situation.

This agression, isn't meant for you.
Yup yup yup, just like Jack Sparrow said to the nice little smithy in Pirates. It's meant for my N, and innocent bystanders don't need to catch any.

You have enough on your plate, as is, Ami.

Unfortunately, I know I don't have the emotioanl resources right now to keep my responses in check, so I pull back and do no harm.

I would regret it and it wouldn't help anyone, including myself.

This is my stuff, not your stuff Ami.

We all walk our paths our own way.

Peace to you and your sons.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 28, 2007, 12:24:05 PM: Quote from: Certain Hope on July 28, 2007, 09:54:45 AM
Dear Lighter,

It is exactly all of N's tail-chasing (referring to his own tail :P) which is going to show the court his real intent.
All of this maddening behavior of his is going to trickle down to the level of the bench to give the judge an eye-opener... and he/she will not be so appreciative of the aNtics.
Never was it more true than in the case of N... give him enough rope and he WILL hang himself.

Praying here that God will be your strength and your shield.

Love,
Hope

N-tics.

aNtics.

Heh.
I like that.

Let's just hope this Judge continues to find domestic abuse unnacetable.

N has painted himself into a corner and has to face the consequences for manufacturing evidence, lying, cheating, harming me physically then listen to his taped confessions about it all. He'll have felony charges soon. It's unchartered territory for me. I'm not sure how to feel abou it.

He'll be playing Defense, instead of Offense.

I was supposed to crumple and fold long before this happened to him.

TO him. ::sigh::

He's lit himself on fire and I couldn't put him out no matter how many times my hope had me try.

He wouldn't allow it.

Now it's my turn with the Lighter.

(figurative, of course)

And I only use it to shine light on his actions, not to hurt him, though it surely will be viewed that way by some.

His family.

Him.

What about the Judge and N's attorney?

Hard to say, really.

To protect me and my children, I shine the light.

I ask for the logical consequences.

I do it in self defense only.

That leaves me feeling pretty blurry, actually.

Is it being in the orbit of people who's realities are distorted through N's filters?

Would I do the same for my children?

Maybe I'm a bit bleary over the release of pressure?

::Pssshhhhhhhhhh::

Like rising up off the ocean floor and finding myself on the surface?

It's certainly disturbing to know his family would harm the girls in order to protect him.

That they would harm me, is one thing, but our children?

::sigh::

Now I feel Lighter.

I will not make the mistake of gloating, though I feel that N has taken plenty of rope and hung himself.

In more ways than one.

Sure, some of his threats are real.

But not all of them.

Time to stop fearing and be mindful of every decision I make.

As long as this Judge continues to find domestic abuse unacceptable, I think our children and I have a chance of being protected in the court, to the extent the court can help.

It's something.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Hopalong on July 28, 2007, 04:58:23 PM: No guilt, Lighter.
You are holding someone accountable who NEEDS to be held accountable.
And through your determination your children will learn the distinction between bullying and bravery.

I am glad you are pressing charges and though spurts of vengeful feelings may happen in your brain (you're human, you know) that does not mean it is wrong for him to be held legally accountable for what he's done.

Our legal system is a blunt instrument that too often lets the guilty skate and the innocent languish. Should all the cylinders move as they should for once, any time locked up is time he can make choices about. He can use it to ponder, or he can waste it.

Either way, it is his karmic hole, and nobody else was holding the shovel.

Hops
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Ami on July 28, 2007, 05:11:56 PM: Thank you, Ligher,
I hear the what you are saying to me. It is very wise on your part . Love Ami
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 28, 2007, 11:10:17 PM: It is a karmic hole.... isn't it, Hops?

Ami: thanks for understanding.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: kaylebsmommy702 on July 31, 2007, 03:01:48 PM: ((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))
((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))
(((Lighter))))))))))))))))))))))(((LIGHTER)))(((((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))
((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))
((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for all of your wonderful advise. Let me know if I can help.

KM
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 04:49:14 PM: So tired today.

I enjoyed reading every post on this thread......

Again; )

Thanks for the links and the support and the insights and experience and lights shining in this darkness with mine.

Thanks KM for the cool Lighter art.... thingy..... that took time and it made me feel better.

So tired today.... not sure what it is.

The crash after all the waiting and then having an answer in court, finally?

Not sure but....

Thanks again to you sweet (Lup) for caring enough to start a thread for me.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Certain Hope on July 31, 2007, 05:14:07 PM: Dear Lighter,

I get those after-conflict crashes... even when the conflict is just within my own thoughts :shock:

Maybe they function like those power strip/surge protectors... preventing us from overloading and blowing out the whole fusebox :)

A reset switch would be real handy at times.

Hope you can rest.

Love,
Hope
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 07:45:05 PM: I came home and crashed earlier today but my mom stopped by to support and chat me up, lol.

I have a need to hibernate and recover after lots of contact or stressful events.

She's not aware of this.... I haven't told her all that.

What I told her was that I needed her support and she's been trying very hard.

Cost me my nap cause I didn't want to thwart her effort, again.

I have to work on being honest and doing it gently and with kindness.

So hard to ask for what I need.

I hurt her feelings a few days ago and she huffed out and left me feeling badly.

I handled the feelings though and held my ground.

I had to.

I just didn't have it in me to DO what she wanted me to do which was pay attention to N ploy that was worrying her.

I have blinders to them most of the time and try to help others understand why I do what I do.

I'm focused but it still hurts to see others confused and thinking I'm off base.

This has to do with spinning wheels on a deal that won't ever happen...... like CB's going through.

In the end I phoned mom and apologized for upsetting her but not for asking her to stop doing what was bugging me. She understood after my update and let me know this is all confusing for her too. She's learning and when she learns something, she learns it well.

She'll be one of my staunchest supporters in that area now. It's just work, all this communicating, lol; )
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Certain Hope on July 31, 2007, 07:59:16 PM: Oh, Lighter, I understand this so well.
You need those blinders to some of the ploys...
(I'm still trying to get mine to stay in place, but they keep slippin off...)
There simply isn't enough energy in the world to pour into the bottomless N-pit of tactics and maneuvers.

Your mom sounds like a gem.
The effort to communicate with her was no waste... what a blessing.
And now I hope you can have a mini-hibernate ((((((((Lighter))))))))

Much love,
Hope
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 08:08:54 PM: I made dinner and had ice cream wth my youngest.

I've sat on the board and dreaded seeing sib again.

I'm procrastinating.

Again, lol.

::thinking about making another ice cream sunday::

Well, I'm not entirely worthless today; )
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 08:24:19 PM: Well Hope:

I'm on the sofa.... waxing poetically while watching COURAGE the dog on Cartoon Network.

I'm pretty sure Eustuse is an N, lol.
\
Murial is an angel out of touch with the N reality but she makes herself happy, nonetheless.

Courage is completely in touch with reality but he's not happy about it, lol.

I'm still procrastinating, lol.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Certain Hope on July 31, 2007, 08:26:15 PM: LOL... I think I must be procrastinating too.

Discovery Channel is on with the Dirty Jobs dude... but I don't think he's an N.

It's nearly time to behold the power of cheese, I think! 8)
Title: !
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 08:34:54 PM: I love that show... and HOW IT'S MADE!
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Certain Hope on July 31, 2007, 08:50:00 PM: Yup yup!! And that little English guy who does the worst jobs in history... whoo-eeee am I ever glad we live in modern times!
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on July 31, 2007, 09:10:17 PM: Oh GACK!

I have a really good imaginations, lol.
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: Hopalong on July 31, 2007, 11:06:58 PM: I'm sorry, ladies, but I plan to marry Mike Rowe and let him do all my dirty work.

siggghhhhh..........

Hops
Title: Re: About Lighter
Post by: lighter on August 01, 2007, 04:16:01 PM: Quote from: Hopalong on July 31, 2007, 11:06:58 PM
I'm sorry, ladies, but I plan to marry Mike Rowe and let him do all my dirty work.

siggghhhhh..........

Hops

I like a man wiith a sense of humor.... esp if it's an enduring unlikely sense of humor...... under fire.