Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on August 01, 2007, 11:31:19 PM
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Mom's been home from the rehab place a week and a half. She developed some gastritis and the doctor said she should be on a liquid diet until at least Friday. All she wants to do is sleep. Her PT says to keep her getting up every few hours, but she practically begs to go back to bed. She understands she's weakening.
I feel like leaving her alone, letting her sleep all she wants and then just re-evaluating whenever she wakes. She is so peaceful and calm. If we force her up, she is unhappy, pale, agitated.
At 96, I think...if she can sleep peacefully and painlessly here, that's better than forcing her through exercise she doesn't want to do, and making her sit in front of meals she can't eat. Or rousing her to the nausea she's had for days.
Thoughts would be most welcome. It's hard to completely trust my judgment because I have wished for some time now that this hard duty would be over. So I need to be sure I'm not letting her "sleep away" for my own convenience.
It's beginning to sink in.
Hops
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Hi Hops
and here's a hug (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Yes, many people sleep a lot in their last years and months.
Don't feel one bit bad that you have wished for your duty to end at times- all caregivers do- and you have been a beautifully loving caring daughter.
Let her sleep whenever she can, it's natures remedy.
And it will give you stamina to rest too.
I light candles and play soft music for people who are stuck in bed or can't talk much, I figure the sounds they can hear should be soothing and loving, the place should be comforting.
Once I sat and sang to a dying lady her favourite songs whilst her daughter took a couple of hours break, her breathing slowed right down and it was so peaceful for me as well as her.
This is a time for being in the moment Hops, let her be and enjoy the time you spend with her. And no self-doubt or recriminations- you've been the best through all this.
Love
Write
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Bless you, Write.
Bless you.
Hops
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Hops,
I am so sorry.
I read the words of a very wise woman not too long ago, and found a lot of comfort and peace in them, here is what she said:
Sometimes those who hang onto life...it's us, not them.
To such a degree as we can respect another's agency at the end of life, that's a good thing.
There is a time to rage against the dying light; but, Dylan Thomas only wrote of half of the whole, there is also a time to go gentle into that good night. Let her rest quietly and dream. I absolutely believe that you are doing the right thing.
Peace
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(((Hops)))
I like the idea of peace and calm for your mother.
Resting without suffering.
Light the candles and enjoy soft calming music with her.
You're a good daughter, Hops.
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I agree with everyone, as well.
I think when our time comes we ought to have around us those things we hold most dear.
Is there a physical thing for her--just as a child would like his teddy bear?-- maybe a music box? a book? to hang onto?
Is there special music that will be peaceful for her?
Does she love to hear the sound of your voice?
96 is living a long time and she is due a great send off and no discomfort before that. (speaking for myself there!)
=====================================================================
Javkie Gleason went at 71 , drinnking , smoking overweight: living the way he wanted! I belive he was happy.
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Hi Hops (((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))),
Hops. Without a doubt you are right... At that age and if she is peaceful, then what would moving her do.. Doctors and nurses are full of practical ideas but I firmly believe that it is what you feel SHE wants that is most important. It's actually a lovely thought to think that at the end of your time you will be allowed to drift peacefully with your family around you.. Believe in yourself Hops and give her the right to be..
Spyralle xxx
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Hops,
I am remembering when my Daughter was dying I made a choice to stop feeding her. She hated the feeding and just wanted to sleep. Iknew when I stopped waking her for her feeds I was letting her go. I was not trying to keep her here for me any longer. I sat and watched my beautiful wee girl sleep away her last days and I surrendered to it. I gave her what she wanted in the end. I gave her her life to sleep and left her drift onto her next life. She was so tired of the struggle of living I knew I had no right to try and keep her alive so I could be with her. Your Mom is her own person, let her choose these days for herself. I think courage is about letting the other go where they will, staying beside them and trusting them with their life.
This brings up so many memories for me. I know I did the right thing. I know that with all my heart. Part of me often wonders if I should have done it sooner.
I am sitting here now with tears streaming down my face thinking of my beautiful girl and I thank God, the universe for my precious baby and I trust she is being held with love and safety beyond me.
With much love,
Axa
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Thank you, ((((((((((((((((Axa))))))))))))))))
Your love is so powerful there is no way, imo, that it isn't enfolding your daughter as she is now.
love,
Hops
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Dear Hops,
I can only imagine how this must feel for you... pretty near imaginings... as I've given this considerable thought re: my own aging mother.
((((((((Hops)))))))
I don't believe that any ambivalent feelings are controlling your reactions to all this... and if they threatened to do that, I''m just confident you would choose to set them aside in order to do what's best for your mom.
But rousing her from peaceful rest every few hours makes no sense... no more sense than waking a tiny baby every 3 hours to feed her on schedule.
Your judgment on what's best in caring for your mom is trustworthy, Hops, when it's not based on shame or guilt.
You know that you have not made her what she is or put her into this position. You are there and have been there for her in very real ways, as much as she's allowed you to be real to her...
and that's the best a daughter can do.
Please receive this final bit straight from my heart, in good will and without any intent of offense... I do hope that your mom has had an opportunity to know Jesus. I really can't reply to this post without including that, Hops... because of all that I think I know or can imagine,
He's the one thing needful.
With Much Love,
Hope
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Dear Hops,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think that all people have ambivalent feelings in all relationships. I could be wrong,but I think that it is human nature.
The medical field prescribes "things" as they did for your mother ,often, to CYA. Often things are given not in the patients best interest,but to 'prepare" for a potential lawsuit. Families can come in later and say that they were not told to do a certain thing and the patient died. then, The facility(PT) or doctor is sued. There are lawsuits( and winning) over the silliest things.
IMO, your mother as a 96 year old person deserves the right to follow what her body wants,not some medically prescribes routine. Think of yourself-- which regimen would you want to follow?
I think that "normal' guilt is making you doubt yourself. You are having normal guilt and normal ambivalent feelings(IMO).
I would say that the most important thing that you can do,now, is to trust yourself.
(((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Hopsy, I bet there is something you can read about the end of life that probably describes the not wanting to eat and the wanting to sleep. It would be cruel to force her body to do the things it is not capable of. Medical people are trained to not ever give up. It sounds like your mother wants to listen to her body as well. I understand the worry about feeling guilt on your part. But it's like the saying, no matter how you feel about your parents, you will miss them when they are gone. You know you love her and you know you want the best for her. I have seen people try to make dying patients eat. Cajoling them, worrying about it. If she doesn't want to eat and she wants to sleep, then that is for the best and it is for her, not anybody else. It is her life and her body. She has always done what she wanted up until now. I see no reason not to let her do it her way.
Pennyplant
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Hops - your love will point you in the right direction. Trust yourself.
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Dear Hop, despite all you have done for her, I sense a little guilt in your post. Why do you think is that? You have woorked hard for your mother. I ask you that because I feel guilt with my mother despite all the damage she has done to me.
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Hops - you have received such wonderful, supportive posts. There is nothing more I can add except to say that I suppoort you fully. I find Axa's experience and her post to be unspeakably poignant, so powerful.
You describe her sleep to be peaceful to her and I read between the lines that it is peaceful to you as well. Cherish this shared peace, it has healing for you both. My heart felt love for you during this time of transition. I pray you receive these moments of shared peace. You deserve it and so does she. - your friend - Gaining Strength
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Hops ,
All the posts have said all you need to know with such kindness.
It is such a Blessing to be 96 and just to sleep peacefully.
So much love to you,
moon
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There is a poem by Bengali writer Rabindranath Tagore which says
Peace, my heart, let the time for the parting be sweet.
Let it not be a death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way.
That's how I see the end of life and ageing now, and the moving on to the next place, whether we call that memory or heaven or earth or light or whatever people individually believe....we have been taught to fear the pain of it and can easily miss the blessedness of the precious hours.
I think courage is about letting the other go where they will, staying beside them and trusting them with their life.
yes Axa, and she is both being held with love and safety beyond me and lives within you, even though you cry.
If I were there with you I would hold you, and cry with you, and paint pictures of your baby, and let you share mine (((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))
~W
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Write.... I'm speechless.
That was so beautiful.
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(((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Write so beautiful
m
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Oh gaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I feel bonkers
My mother is powered by a battery stronger than my own
Once again I began my inner goodbyes, tiptoed to her room, etc. Slept lightly, woke at 4:00 a.m.
Put in a long workday, got a call from her morning companion, who'd stayed the day...
Home at 6:30...Mom's up, sitting in the LR reading, nibbling on a sandwich...making sense, perfectly fine.
What a roller coaster.
I am so sorry for...for what? For a false alarm? Feeling like the sister of the boy who cried wolf? The confusion I feel?
I've lost count of the private farewells and I'm afraid when she does pass away (at 106) it'll have been so rehearsed in my head I'll be numb and witless.
Bless all of you for your kindness and forgive me, but I'm sure I'll call on it again.
xxxxxxxxoooooooo,
Hops
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(((((((Hops)))))))
I'm... speechless :)
With love,
Hope
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Oh Hops, lol.
I was just thinking of you.
I thought I'd find you sitting next to your mother's bed.... silently watching her.
So.... she was sitting up eating a sandwich huh?
She must of needed that nap: )
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(((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))
Well! My My Goodness
something left undone--??? That'll be me--forgot to dust the china cabinet.
Your Mom is something else.
Best to you both
Izzy
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Feeling like the sister of the boy who cried wolf? The confusion I feel?
I've lost count of the private farewells and I'm afraid when she does pass away (at 106) it'll have been so rehearsed in my head I'll be numb and witless.
no, I think this is probably you preparing for the future Hops. You've had so many emotions around your mother, your psyche is taking no chances for her passing! I'm glad she's feeling better and hope she is also feeling kind....
Don't be too hard on yourself Hops, you've had the patience of a saint with your mother, I know I would have hastened her end by now :)
What was on her sandwich anyway?
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These things are so subtle and you will cherish every memory when you look back.
including the sandwich.
Much love to everyone, goodnight y'all ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Swiss cheese.
I withheld the pickles because of the acid.
The doc thinks the anti-nausea pill knocked her out.
I feel so stupid and a bit as though I got such deep and inspirational and moving support...prematurely. :oops:
And I feel odd that my instincts are off.
(She's being kind...or not unkind. Has been mellow for a good while now, because the depradations her body's been through. She just doesn't have the energy for much N-ness any more. And I'm grateful, because whenever this chapter does end, it will end peacefully.)
Thank you again, patient people...
with love, a grateful
Hops
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((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))
It is healthy and imporatant that you be ready for the end. Because you will have so many conflicting feelings and you do want to do waht is right for both of you. No easy task and no right answer. However, you can see from all the responses here that we feel you are doing a lovely job with your mother and there is no reason to be embarrassed in asking what to do. I also would have said to let her sleep if that is what she needed. So the Energizer Bunny is back and moving along :) Don't feel guilt for anything, dear Hops. You are a thoughful and kind caretaker.
Love, Beth
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Yes you are, Hops
and don't feel odd at all
I was putting in mind different scenarios for when the Sibs come (tomorrow) and the Therapist said it was all right to be prepared for what might arise---as one of my thoughts was that they would insist I move back there.
I think I have often done this and what you have done was more or less a practise run which may be helpful for you at the real end.
Love to you and your MoM
Izzy
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The doc thinks the anti-nausea pill knocked her out.
To think you could have been slipping her some of these with her swiss cheese sandwiches all these years. :P
mud
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Hops, I send you lots of hugs,
My mom spends the best part of four days a week in bed resting and or sleeping.
About a year ago she was sleeping even more. We took her to the doctor. Everything checked out AOK. When we got home she said, I'm tired of being hacked about sleeping too much. I'm going to sleep all I want. She spoke her peace. That is what I will abide by. I'm sorry I don't know if this will help.
Love,
tt
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My Mom, on a Wednesday, asked the nurse a question. Nurse said for Mom to ask her Dr. when he came back on Monday.
Mom said,"I won't be here on Monday". Nurse calls my brother, who then calls the rest of us and we go to see her, Thursday
She was even amusing in this time as I was there with a sister and Mom wanted to choose her burial dress from the closet (All house dress types or slighly better but not good enough) I chose th prettiest to make her happy, Sis chose one too and Mom said to make sure Goodwill got the rest as her sister would just get them and wear them out.
I drove back home, washed and set my hair and took a laxative, as I knew there was a funeral coming. I was okay to go up again on Saturday; sister stayed over in Sunday, called me and I said watch out for 4:30 a.m. That's the time Dad died. And Mom died at 4:30 Monday morning.
she knew when
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Wow, Izzy.
That would have been so confusing for me...... to have to deal with that conversation with a parent.
I'd like to think I could be as matter of fact and good humored about.... but I don't know if I could.
I sure wouldn't have assumed that a funeral was coming.
I wasn't even sure my first baby was coming when I took a bath, just to ride out the first contractions and do that timing thing with a watch, lol.
The baby was 2 weeks over-do, lol. I was an hour late in getting to the hospital.... the nurse was ticked!
Man, I sure was glad that nurse suggested I get in the tub to try and relax..... felt so good to be squeeky clean at the hospital.
I guess I resist change :shock:.
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My Grandma was that way, Izzy. She called me to say that she was done and I knew she meant it.
I drove the 200 miles with my kids to see her, and she was so happy...
she got all "dolled up" as she used to say, complete with her "warpaint", and we went out to dinner.
She wrastled the waiter for the check, as always, insisted on paying for our meal, we drove back home the next day, and two weeks later, she left us. Woulda been sooner, but my Aunt, who lived with her, defied her wishes and had her put on life support. She was just shy of 97 and I knew, she didn't want to have another birthday this side of heaven.
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Well my poor mother. She dealt with a lot and it might have affected her way of upbringinfghealthy kids.
She had a back problem, well 2, --scoliosis and spina bifida
Had an operatioin, at 18 months, on the kitchen table--no hospital said her parents.
Didn't walk until age 2 and grew up with a crookd back and foot, never ran, danced, rode a bike, married Dad as he appeared to be her only chance, but did all the farm chores and had 6 children--one died-- and at age 47 was in a wheelschaiir---for 39 years, then died.
Dad died first, in '86 and she lived alone for 2 years , then fell in the bathroom and broke a leg. She was able to get the phone from the wall but it was upside down--she was frightened I'm sure-- and was there alone for about 3-4 hours. Was in the hospital a month and was to come home but they discovered a blood clot in her leg and moved her to the "You stay in here until you Die" Ward-------6 years she was there. Died in '94
I knew so few things my mother thought!
IZ
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((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))),
One more understanding hug for you before you turn in.
Love,
tt
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Mud! :shock: :lol:
Don't give me ideas!
TT...you sweet woman, thank you. I feel okay, and Mom's peaceful. Talking about how weak she is, and sits on the edge of her bed, contemplates having to unhook her bra, and says, "oh boy." Says that a lot, and it's really kind of sweet, a mild plaint about how damn hard everything is. She's actually being sweeter-tempered than I've ever know her to be, this last year. She's become more childlike and also appreciative of small gestures: a meal, some flowers. She's not persecuting me at all any more (I'm just ready to move on, and she's not done. All power to her...what a life force.)
Lighter, Hope, Izzy (oh your mother's life) Write and Beth (HI!)...more to you soon, I'm fading, but thank you and lots of love,
Hops
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more to you soon, I'm fading,
ok, one swiss cheese sandwich coming up!
This has been a beautiful thread, life is so many different things isn't it, and through it all sadness and humour intertwined....
Good night everyone, sweet dreams
Love
~W
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Hi Hops,
I so get feeling like the sister of the boy who cried wolf! My mother has been resuscitated and has come close (on a ventilator) on other occasions, and has been in and out of the hospital numerous times.
So glad for you and for her that she's sweeter-tempered than you've ever known her to be.
I have my times (too often) of being numb and witless NOW.
cats paw
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Hey Hops,
Do you know how many times they called and told me my mom was not going to make it. We would make phone calls and everyone would rush to the hospital. We would be in hysterics and say our final goodbyes. She would make it through the night and the next day when you were looking at her and how tiny she looked her eyes would *flash open* almost giving us a heart attack and she would be just fine after that. After awhile wen we would get the call we would say yeah, yeah we'll be there.
You know who was accurate and told me when she was going to die. SHE DID!!
I had been recommend to buy the book Final Gifts and it is the best thing I had ever done.
Over the years, these nurses have identified a state they termed, "Nearing Death Awareness." Nearing Death Awareness is a state specific to individuals who are dying slowly such as cancer victims, AIDS patients, and others suffering long terminal illnesses. Nearing Death Awareness is not the same as a near death experience, although they do have some commonalities. A near death experience occurs when a person is actually dead -- they have no pulse, respiration, or breathing -- but are brought back to via medical intervention. The stories of people who have had near death experiences are remarkably similar. They describe a beautiful light, people who've passed before are often there, and they have a sense of leaving their body.
People who have Nearing Death Awareness may also see (and even talk to) people who have passed before, they may see a beautiful place (or bright light), and they may feel a profound sense of peace. Unlike people who have near death experiences, people with Nearing Death Awareness do not report leaving their body -- but rather they seem to experience both this world and the next world at the same time.
Hops,
I got to experience and listen to my mom exactly what this books talks about. I know this sounds odd but I was very comforted in the death of my mom just getting to be with her while she was getting ready to leave. I would have not known the signs or what she was saying if I did not read this book.
It is very true. My mom had given me final gifts.
The one gift she had given me is what I asked for towards the very end.
You have to read the book to know what I'm talking about but there was one part that said. Did you ever notice that when people are dying they seem to hang on (for us). We make it difficult for them to leave. You may walk outside for a coffee and say I was only gone for 5mins. Or I just went to the bathroom and she was gone.
I asked my mom to let me know when it was time. She was already getting ready because I had seen that see was in two worlds.
I seen more and more people (well didn't see) but knew they were really there for her to take her to the other side.
One night she said to me. Oh look with a big smile on her face, like she was giving me a surprise and waiting for my response.
I said look at what? She said look who is standing behind you. I said, mom you know I can't see them. I really want to but I can't. Who is it? Now this was very close to Xmas and I was dancing and singing in her room Xmas carols. She said, you know who it is.
It's your father. I said, it is? and then me and my father (danced) and she was so happy. When I lived with my mom I got the phone call that my father had died. My mother and sister were already on route to visit him. I arrived already knowing it. I never got to say goodbye nor did they. I think my mom just gave me that time back when she was approaching her final hours. I'm just sorry my sister was not with me then. She did not get this chance although I told her about it.
Now all through her talking about everyone being in that room coming from everywhere (people I could not see) deceased people my father was never one of them until this night.
I knew right then and there it was her time.
I told her later on that she needs to go with my Dad. She can leave us now. We will be fine to cross over. I told her I will be in and out to check on her that I did not want to make it difficult, because you know me mom, I'll get hysterical and I don't want to make you try to stay for me but please don't go with out you letting me know right before it.
I did go in and out and at one point I found her staring. I called her name and she did not answer. So what did I do? Became hysterical where she snapped out of it and said whats wrong? I said are you really going now? Is it time? She said yes. I left the room and sat on the couch. My H came in 20 mins later and I looked and said my mom is dead. He said, no, how do you know. I said I should have went in but I was hysterical. We both got up went in. She looked peaceful. I took her pulse and leaned down to listen to for breathing and she took her last breath and left.
See waited knowing I would need that for comfort and was gone.
Was very comforting to me Hops. All of it. Even that last breath. She knew I could not handle it sitting there the whole time and would become hysterical but she also knew she would not go without me being there. That was her final gift to me. Her last breath.
And four days later, a brand new, chubby Golden Ret for my kids that they so badly wanted from seeing one in the pet store. After my moms funeral my sister called me and said mommy gave me this money for you to get the puppy the kids want. Her last Xmas Gift.
And have her to this day.
I loved this book and changed the ways I look at things now.
Deb
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((((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))))
Your post...thank you.
tt
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((((((((((Deb))))))))))))
Thank you so much.
You are so deeply human, you find the deep humanity in so many situations.
You have reminded me that my mother may have some joy ahead, too. And that really really helps.
I know the vigils and final moments are unique to each person/family, but you helped me remember that I will be able to cope, however it goes (in 10 years or so, after she's broken all longevity records)..
She does feel very weak. Soon, I think she'll be bed-bound or wheelchair-bound, as so many become.
love
Hops
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(((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))
You are so sweet to appreciate your mother's kindness, when your view of it could be dimmed by your past with her. It shows what we all know, that you are just plain GOOD.
Love you,
Beth
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(((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))
Wow :shock: What a post, I was crying :(than laughing :lol:than crying :(. I don't know what to say. All I can say is I'm so glad I read through the whole thing before I posted a reply. All I can say is(((( love to you all)))0 for sharing all your experiences. All I can say is follow your heart with your Mom. Acceptance comes in stages , don't be embarrassed , hey if that didn't happen you wouldn't have gotten all these replies and more info on the way I'm sure. I have to agree with Ami, I am in the medical field as well and Dr's will an have to "cover theirs butts" . Deb thank you for sharing your experience, It was beautiful and very comforting. I'm so Glad to hear that your relationship now is mellowed with her, enjoy this time, do I dare to say that God has a plan and maybe now your Mom softening will help heal some of your wounds. I pray for you that it does.
Love Tweety
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Thank you sweet (((((((((Beth))))))))))))
And you too (((((((((((((((Tweety))))))))))))))))))
I really am healed a lot. I hold no more what ifs, no more pain, no more resentment, no more anger...she was far to the N side of things, but never overtly abusive and never physically abusive. And she did the best she could to be good and true. There was just stuff wired- or traumaed- or gene'd-in her that led to some aggression and sabotaging of me. I truly don't think she plotted it, ever, it was just reflexive. But now that chapter's well over.
Mom's just an ancient woman facing the end of things and she's been beyond plucky. I admire her for her endurance and she's been quite sweet. It's never too late to be loving. And if I can't have compassion for someone who's endured in 8 years: multiple migraines, a near-stroke, a mastectomy (at 94), a bowel surgery (at 95) and too many episodes with the ambulance to keep track of, then I ain't worth the paper I preach my values from.
It's been easier for me, forgiveness has...because social rules and frankly her Christianity kept Mom's darkest impulses in check. Better than mine, at times.
Now she is sleeping more, but when I rouse her to check on her she's always mellow. So I should just be grateful and be present, and see how it goes. Her life force really is amazing, and I won't try to predict again.
Thank you guys so much for your sweet understanding. You are priceless to me.
love
Hops
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Hops,
I think if my daughter had lived she would have been like you
xxxxxxxx
axa
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I know if your daughter has lived I would have loved to have known her.
(((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))
I'm sure of one thing, short life or not, your daughter never spent one day not knowing how much you loved her.
Hops
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I'm sure of one thing, short life or not, your daughter never spent one day not knowing how much you loved her.
And that is worth everything!
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I loved this book and changed the ways I look at things now.
I ordered Final Gifts thanks for the recommendation Deb.
It's quite a book club here isn't it, as well as everything else. I have loads of books which I first heard about from people on the Board.
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Write,
Your welcome. Let me know after you read it what you think?
I know you recently lost a friend not too long ago and I hope this book brings you comfort like it did me.
Love
Deb
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I know you recently lost a friend not too long ago and I hope this book brings you comfort like it did me.
I was just thinking of my friend and her family yesterday.
One day I will drive up to the beautiful church where she is buried and place some flowers.
I spend a lot of time with the dying, it can be an incredible healing time for families.
But often people are embarrassed about their emotions too, or angry, or afraid.
My therapist says because of the bipolar I am used to strong emotions and don't get easily upset or derailed by other people being so, it's true.
So many of the things which are initially our problems or our weaknesses later become our strength, which is something Mud said a few days ago.
~W
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So many of the things which are initially our problems or our weaknesses later become our strength, which is something Mud said
Yay, you and Yay, Mud!
Hey Mudpup, you there? Awfully quiet on the bank...
sigh,
Hops
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Dear Hop, I wish I could feel like you do. Congratulations to you for having a clean heart. Someday I will too.
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Hops Dear-
You are such a constant and caring soul. I have spent more time than I would have liked in hospitals, and have done quite a bit of visiting as well. The 85 year old prayer lady at my church and I were really close- she had no family, and we were so simpatico! I used to visit her in the hospital during her last days, and would fall asleep with my head on the pillow next to her pillow! People heal while they sleep, and it feels so good to sleep when a loved one is nearby- I'm sure your mom feels the delicious narcotic effect of your watchfulness and care. You need to rest also- you are such a wonderful daughter, I am sure that your love and sacrifice will be rewarded.
Please don't let yourself get too worn out- that's when we all get brittle and wacky. You are the most help to yourself and your mom when you are feeling your best.
Love and peace to you,
Changing
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I used to visit her in the hospital during her last days, and would fall asleep with my head on the pillow next to her pillow! People heal while they sleep,
you were both 'healing'....
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Thank you, Changing.
You did give me peace. You see how we are living now.
thanks,
love,
Hops
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Dearest Hops,
I am thinking of you and your steadfast vigil. Best to you, my Dear.
Hugs and Love,
Your Friend Changing
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Thanks, Changing...
She's conked out. And I slept from 1 a.m. until noon. Wow.
She rallied a bit yesterday. She collected the car keys (!)--fortunately, they're to the old car--opened the mail and announced she wants to go to a bookstore today. Soon, I'll go prod her awake (the nurse convinced me I have to) and see if she has the energy. She hasn't been out of the house in weeks, because she hasn't felt well enough to walk down the walk.
I need to do paperwork. :(
Sigh. But all is well and thank you for thinking of me.
I hope you're having a peaceful and happy Saturday.
I've got the Utah miners on my mind...
love
Hops
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Dear Hops,
I am thinking of you and Mother. I am praying for you. Thank you for those common sense words when I was on the verge of "losing it" when my F was coming to visit.I never thanked you for that and many other times when your words pulled me back from the "brink" Love Am
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Your in my thoughts and prayers.
sending you blessings and love,
Tweety
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Thanks Tweety, and thanks Ami...
Today is going well so far. She's up, eating.
And says she wants to go out after (eating takes a loooooooong time).
But I'm peaceful, relaxing.
And a movie tonight with a friend! :)
(Mom will be tired enough that I can get out w/o worrying, because she'll sleep.)
xo,
Hops
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Hopsy Hops
You are an angel and a blessing to your Mom.
love
Izzy
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((((((((Hops))))))))
Just passing through with hugs... and I hope you enjoy the movie tonight!
Love,
Hope
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Hops,
Kinda watching this conversation from afar......but wanted to say what a beautiful thread this is. I hope you get all you need in the moment that you need it as you experience these last moments with your mom. It is rich and precious experience!
Peace to your heart and rest to your tired limbs,
Poppy
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Poppy, thank you so much.
I'm afraid I have confused everyone as much as I was confused.
A week ago she seems so deeply asleep for so long that I am sure it must be The Sleep coming on...
she's just bounced back a lot. What I'm catching on to is that it's going to be very very variable, and that
predictions and premature mentals farewells are just me making myself crazy.
Today didnt feel like "last moments" but I just stayed in the present, spent time with her and got her out in the car for the first time in weeks for a ride in the country, and then she felt well enough to go to a restaurant! Amazing.
She really is astonishing.
Thank you, Poppy, for your kindness.
love
Hops
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Hops-
YOU are astonishing. A ride in the country sounds so real and alive (unlike a hospital or nursing home) and fun! Have a blessed night, my wise friend.
Love you,
Changing
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out in the car for the first time in weeks for a ride in the country, and then she felt well enough to go to a restaurant! Amazing.
did you enjoy it and each other's company?
It can take people a long time to die Hops, a small number of our patients I was convinced wouldn't be here in days have rallied and lived instead for years, it can sometimes be unpredictable though most times I think the sense of someone passing has been accurate.
But my MS friend is still here, those eyes still twinking and she's still laughing despite almost complete immobility now.
I told her G_d had other plans for her including being my encouragement and inspiration, she says she prays for me and wouldn't have had time if she wasn't sick; of course we both saw the humour in some people needing round-the-clock prayers for them, so more laughter.
Don't worry about the paperwork Hops, it'll get done.
Love
~W
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We did more or less enjoy it.
I stayed in the present and felt pleased by her pleasure.
I hadn't forseen her going out again.
You're right. She could live to 106, easy.
Oy.
It's a blessing to have a job that gets me out.
Hops
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How is the job? Are you enjoying it still?
~W
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I am, Write!
It pulls on my strengths and most of all, I do feel respected and appreciated.
(I'd rather not work so hard or for such long hours, but it's fun. And I haven't had fun at work for many years.) And the business is growing like crazy. Large part due to my creative marketing.
I have financial worries, the salary's not great, but for now, I'm just glad to have it.
The last few years were nightmarishly stressful. I thought ageism and sexism in the local market doomed me, and this funny door opened when I emailed the owner in the middle of the night. Odd.
Awful (well, I know it's not awful--thanks board!) to say, but when Mom is gone all sorts of creative space would open up in me,, despite the job time drain. This is the kind of job that's done when it's done. I don't take it home.
Thanks for asking, Write. I'm always inspired by your tales of fulfilling work too.
love
Hops
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Hiya Hops
so happy to hear about your Mom.
now I just cannot go back through all the posts, but I expect she is NOT an N and that the two of you have a good relationship!!!!
How wonderful she can enjoy the simple thinks of which she is capable.
(Well that's me at 68, so I have 28 + years to go???--Sheesh I hope I can still throw a wheelchair into the car! at 106!!!)
Love to you and Mom
Izzy
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the business is growing like crazy. Large part due to my creative marketing.
that's wonderful!
I have financial worries, the salary's not great, but for now, I'm just glad to have it.
finances dog me too, but I just think the universe will provide and so far it has...
for example:
this funny door opened when I emailed the owner in the middle of the night. Odd.
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Hi Izzz,
My mother is a subtle verrrrry NNNNish person. (Never raged or cursed or hit...just blank-feeling, and very manipulative, and All About Her, and such stuff etc.)
But after years of struggle and anger and one explosion (mine), there came peace.
Now in extreme old age she is vulnerable and dependent, and I'm kind, and she's grateful, and we're at peace.
For which I'm very thankful.
love
Hops
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Hi dear Hops,
I've been missing you. The board is rushing along at such a pace lately, I just can't keep up. BUT, I wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you and old mama. Your above post is so tender and kind.
Today, my mom reached out with one arm to hug me. I could tell there was a lot of emotion behind it, though I didn't question it. I just accepted it with cautious gratefulness. There have been so few of those times in our life. I'll cherish it. I wondered if it is a sign that she is entering the stage you described about you and yours. I have some pretty daunting times ahead. Don't know how well I'll hold up.
Lately she has aggressively accused me of moving her money around. She thinks I'm taking money out of her checking account and redepositing back into the same account giving her a larger balance than it should be. My standard answer now is mama, go eat a banana. I think low potassium may be behind the confusion. I asked her that if she is going to accuse me of doing something to please make it look at least like I'm clever crook. Taking money out of an account and redepositing it in that same account...well, that doesn't seem very clever, does it?
Appreciating you Hops and wishing you and your charge the best.
tt
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Thanks, TT. Great kindness.
I think a one-armed hug from an old N is quite amazing! Maybe it's the same softening that I think mortality is bringing to mine, as well. Glad you got that.
Blessings back to you. Maybe we can help hold each other up when the hardest chapter comes.
love
Hops
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Dear TT and Hops,
Our dear friend Vaknin says that there can be a softening of N in older age. Love and Hugs to you, both Love Ami